YOU DANCING FOOL!

First things first (not to make it all about me, but to make it all about me) I had the most delightful birthday last week. Every single person made it so special and there were so many Bachelor references everywhere and I love every single thing about it. You guys are the MOST delightful. 

MOVING ON...

We open with Chris Harrison telling the live studio audience that Nick… is at a crossroads… at the end of his journey. I’m not a geographical expert... But I’m pretty sure these things don’t go together. Strong start, Hare.

Better question: Is Ivanka Trump in the audience? Is Tiffany Trump? Cause it sure looks like it. This is a sea of basic blondes.

I definitely have a problem with Chris Harrison telling us that “Nick has to choose between two beautiful women…” How about two incredible women? Two… wonderful women, even? COME ON, HARE.

Really quick, very real memo from the remote Living Room Peanut Gallery about meeting the family:

John and Shannon def don't cry that much tho

RAVEN MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I have no idea where in Finland they are, right now. I’ve never seen those letters together before. Not even crammed up in my mind when I’m pathetically trying to figure out Wheel of Fortune.

A few questions about the family dinner: dynamics aside, are they eating… chicken and… hollandaise sauce? What is Bella drinking? That is 100% a glass of red in her hand.

I love that Bachelor Nation has witnessed the entire maturation of Nick’s sister Bella. We have been watching her on national TV since she was three.

I also always forget that it’s so easy to see that Nick gets his waterworks from his Mama. Hey, I get it – DO NOT talk to Lou Douglas about the episode of NCIS when Ziva’s Dad died… And how she made me GOOGLE TRANSLATE what Tony said to Ziva after the funeral, while she was bawling. I swear she was crying for days.

I need to express my discontent with both Raven and Vanessa for their mascara jobs, on these dates. Those lashes are CLUMPY. Less is more, ladies!

I’m unmoved by Raven meeting his family. But clearly Nick and Raven did plenty of MOVING because they’re covered in snow as they say goodbye to each other right now… Why are they always rolling around? What is it with these two?

VANESSA MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I’m surprised that Vanessa wore cargo pants this outing to meet Nick's parents. Probably to hold all her emotional baggage.

We had to take a break because Johnny walked in… With a vase of roses. There are a couple ways to my heart, but relevant shoutouts to my favorite things are one of them:

JOHNNY: Did you know that today is international nap day? Fitting, during this guy’s season. HE’S A SNOOZER, DOUGLAS. A TURTLENECK-WEARING SNOOZER.

Vanessa meets his family, carrying all that emotional baggage... This moment between Vanessa and Papa Viall is kind of endearing. But I’m still mad about her clumpy mascara. EVEN BELLA’S MASCARA IS LESS CLUMPY.

Sidenote: I’m kind of disappointed in the quality of chairs that they have on the ground floor of this live taping right now…They are giving me C grade Church Basement chairs...  

FINAL DATES AS NICK'S GIRLFRIEND: (Their words, not mine) 

Honestly, if I were Vanessa and I saw the two horses, I’d be like, “Are we reenacting the final scene from The Revenant? EPICCC.”

...No? Am I the only one? Is this why I'm still single?

Vanessa is more excited to see Santa than she has been for anything else this season. I come to understand that Santa does, in fact, speak English, (although you know I love subtitles) except now I’m wondering if they dubbed over him, because we definitely can’t see his mouth.

SANTA: This gift is for you.…
JOHNNY: It’s “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac. On vinyl.

....instead it looked like something out of an eighth grade art class. (I mean, from one of the good art students, not from an eighth grade Grace Douglas art student....) 

I’m so upset that they talked Vanessa into doing this whole comparison of Santa Claus and love…

Mercy.

Did Nick just say that he doesn’t care how this turns out? I'm kind of too bored by their conversation to care. Vanessa's mascara job is a little better today, but still pretty clumpy. 

Vanessa tells Nick that she wants answers. She doesn’t want him to give her general responses… But has she actually asked him any questions? If I got a dollar every time Vanessa has said “Going into… this/today/the date…” I’d no longer be packing my lunch to eat at work everyday. (Totally kidding, I’ll always pack my lunch – CAN I GET AN AMEN, KATHERYN RUPERT?!) It seems like Vanessa just wants to know if Nick is gonna propose to her. Which is fair. But them going around in circles during this conversation right now is boring to me. 

OH NO SHE’S CRY KISSING. MAYDAAAAAY.  

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

Vanessa, if your gut is telling you to question things, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Honestly. This is not difficult. But I’m glad that at least her still-kinda-clumpy mascara is waterproof. 

We are beginning the date with Raven and Johnny has JUST figured out that they are in Finland. 

JOHNNY: They’re in Finland?!
GRACE: Seriously WHERE did you think they were? 
JOHNNY: I dunno… Milwaukee? Minnesota? I don’t know…
GRACE: You thought there was a Santa not speaking in English in Minnesota? 
JOHNNY: Well I just thought it was some place really lame and cheesy! Look at them skating right now… Imagine if they skated straight into a Sixpence None the Richer concert. 

We all agree that Raven and Nick have chemistry… but we kind of wonder who WOULDN’T have chemistry with Raven, because she’s so charming and silly. Vanessa is just so... difficult, it seems. 

THESE HUSKY PUPPIES ARE EVERYTHING DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. 

Raven definitely does a better job of asking Nick ACTUAL questions than Vanessa does. And while I’m thinking about Vanessa… Where was her post-season gift for Nick? Where is Raven’s gift for Nick? What is this show right now? Looks like he just tried to take a bite of Raven's hand. Probably in aggression that she didn’t give her a gift. Sheesh. 

We took about twenty minutes to pause, rewind, pause and rewind again to observe the studio audience. Did you guys see the girl in the polka dotted dress that looked directly at the camera with intention? 

TWO THUMBS WAY, WAY UP. 

We are getting a full on Neil Lane infomercial right now. QUICK ANNUAL REMINDER: I don’t want a big rock, ok? Don’t let him give me a big rock! #FatFingers

Glad that Raven is in a floor length fur coat. Know what we call that in my family? My great grandmother had a mink coat and Davey, who was 2 years old at the time, toddled up to it, gave it a pat and declared “kitty!” So Raven is wearing a kitty.

Johnny points out that we need to acknowledge that no final rose ceremony location will compare to the one in Farmer Chris’s serial killer barn… Althought this rose ceremony room definitely provided the Lapland Michael's with the most business that they’ve had in YEARS. Johnny summarized it best as “Get all the dead things in Finland that you can and stick them in a room.”

Raven starts her spiel… And everyone is cringing. Honestly, if I started giving my spiel, I’d look at him, read his reaction and be like, “Oh, it’s not me, is it? Should I go?” Also let’s acknowledge how much makeup Nick is wearing right now? Goodness.

Oh she knows. Raven knows. And we see that she knows. You know what? Let’s clap it up for Ray-van because her mascara has FINALLY gotten itself together on her face. Nick tells her he’s going to miss her and she pulls a Han Solo and says “I know.” She then proceeded to walk out the door without her kitty. Brrrrr. But what a classy broad.

In the rejection limo Rayven asks “Why even look for love if it’s not possible?” SHE IS TWENTY FIVE.

Now all I can think about as Nick starts his spiel to Vanessa is… “Why doesn’t she have to give him a spiel first?” Also why has Nick been fighting falling in love with Vanessa? (I don’t know why I put that first question in quotations, but I’m letting it happen) Has there ever been so much crying at a rose ceremony? Well… aside from JoJo. But that was a single-handed delivery, on her part. We also can’t figure out why Nick has to pick up these women so much… Does he need to prove he can carry them? Mercy. 

Here are a few thoughts on Nick: I loved him on Andi's season. I loved him on Kaitlyn's season. I loved him on Bachelor In Paradise. I think he's one of the more interesting humans to be on the show - COMPARATIVELY, ok? Think about Marine Alex from JoJo's season... Or Jared from Kaitlyn's season... THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING INTERESTING. (I don't care how much Ashley I wants to cry her eyes out about Jared. He's dull. And the poem he wrote for Kaitlyn was terrible.) So I guess I mostly liked Nick cause he was interesting.But then he suffered from that Bachelor overexposure, where watching him becomes, "If I have to hear him analyze one more emotion, I'm gonna pull my hair out..." It doesn't help that he's a pretty analytical, in-his-head kind of guy, and let's face it: hearing someone parse their own emotions night after night gets kind of dull.

And finally: who's to say why he did the show. I don't know him. I can't rule whether he was in it for (literally) Love or Money. (Did anyone ever watch that show on NBC? Cause it was so good) The only thing I have to say about him being in it for the money is: HE IS THIRTY SIX! Why doesn't he even have a real job? Why hasn't he been able to find love? Basically what I'm saying is that Nick's life stresses me out almost as much as the Super Bowl Halftime show, right now...

After The Final Rose:

So Nick sits down with Hare... Anyone else thing that it wasn’t AT ALL convincing when Nick said “Yeah… Things are good?” This is weird.

Raven has opted to wear a nightgown, tonight. But she definitely got a spray tan. And her hair looks immaculate. And without ANY hesitation, she agrees to do BIP. Great. I bet she'll have some delightful one-liners...

Then Vanessa comes out... In a terrible 1994 Homecoming dress from Dillard's. Honestly, I respect that she didn’t watch the fantasy suites… Cause that’s not how I roll. But more power to her, for being able to resist the temptation to know how those dates went...

Guys… Vanessa and Nick are going to break up so fast. I haven’t seen a couple this tense since Brad Womack and Emily Maynard. He definitely doesn’t have his arm around her. They’re kind of holding hands, but they’re really not sitting that close together. Their bodies aren't even touching! So many pursed lips from both of them. They’re both touching their faces WAY more than the contestants usually do at this point – this is a self-soothing gesture that people do when they’re uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure he’s fiddling with his tie right now. Goodness. BODY LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

THANK GOODNESS RACHEL IS COMING OUT TO SAVE THE DAY. WHEW! 

Loving her jumpsuit right now. At this point, Johnny and I are getting in an aggressive argument about whether or not Chris Harrison’s tie matches his pocket square. I think they’re the same. Johnny thinks they’re not. Then he got nasty: “It’s JUST close enough that PEOPLE LIKE YOU will think they’re the same. But they’re different.” I then consulted Bachelor designer Cary Fetman, found out it was a Mimi Fong tie, but no word on the pocket squares… You guys have any thoughts?

OMG BRINGING OUT THESE GUYS RIGHT NOW I’M NOT READY WHAT IS HAPPENING??!

DeMario – NO.

Blake – NO. (Blake is a terrible combo of Farmer Chris and Swimmer Woman Robby)

Dean – best so far, but like… still a baby. OMG WAIT I TAKE IT ALL BACK "READY TO GO BLACK?!?!?!" HE WENT THERE. Oh my goodness.

Ok wait what was that fourth guy’s name? We love him.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER SEASON ALREADY BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE MONTH AND A HALF!! 

Predictions on how long Vick will last? (Vick? Nessa? Nanessa? Eh?) Will they split before the season premiere of Rachel's show? I can't wait. 

Until then, 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...