Monday, March 6, 2017

Want Me To Call You St. Nick?

First things first: my birthday is Friday. Please send all the cookies. Thx.

Secondly, I need to get something off my chest… Obviously this is L.A. and there are movie and TV posters everywhere… I’ve been seeing King Kong posters (comes out on my birthday, by the way)… and this whole time, I’ve been VERY legitimately convinced that they were posters advertising... Godzilla. I thought it was a Godzilla sequel. Until I tried to google “Godzilla sequel” and couldn’t find one that came out on March 10. Just needed you guys to know.

OMG Raven!!! We’re already off to such an intense start. This poor girl. Ok, let’s talk for a brief moment about editing: all this stuff where Raven is bouncing around Finland, petting dogs and looking all jazzed? They totally shot that BEFORE her date with Nick. That footage, plus the music, plus her ONE soundbite of saying that Nick is good at what- OH HONESTLY I CAN’T EVEN REPEAT IT BECAUSE WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, RAVEN?! YOUR FATHER IS WATCHING THIS!! But anyway: the combination of those three things tells us quite a specific story, no?


Rachel and Nick are “trying out some new adventures together and there’s something exciting and romantic about…” feeding reindeer. Her words, not mine. Carolyn was floored that they went cross country skiing: “Seriously if he picked me for that date, I would send myself home immediately.” Honestly Nick and Rachel are more of a couple than anyone else on this season. We also know that they don’t end up together, so basically what I’m saying is that there is no hope for anyone, least of all Nick. And they obviously didn’t get an appearance release from the Sleigh ride Driver and had to awkwardly cut around him and we never saw anyone driving the sleigh.

Post sleigh ride, Nick raises a toast: “Here’s to those moments when you’re willing to be vulnerable.” I really don’t have much affection for Nick this season, but I do like those words. Wait, speaking of words… Did Rachel say “I’m terrible with words” just now? You have a juris doctor degree, RACHEL. YOU ARE A DOCTOR OF LAWS. PULL YOUR LEXICON TOGETHER, WOMAN.

Nice onesie, though.

Ugh. I needed Nick to make her French Toast for breakfast, for my fantasy league points. Remember how he told Danielle M that he made great French Toast? I was banking on that!!


CAROLYN: Why do they all wear the dumbest hats?

VANESSA: I love it here!

CAROLYN: Do you? It’s a literal TUNDRA.

The producers are LOVING the word play on this date. “Our physical chemistry is on fire, so we need to cool it down a bit…” etc.

Ok them creeping out of the ice bath IS kind of hilarious. I love that they’re turning this ice bath challenge into the two of them facing emotional mountains together. IT’S AN ICE BATH, NOT CHARITY WORK IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY. But shout-out to Vanessa rocking that one piece, because you could not pay me TEN MILLION DOLLARS to wear that thang on national TV.

Nick keeps his pinky up as he sips his drank and tells Vanessa that he doesn’t want to eat dinner with her family every Sunday. I don’t understand this conversation. I think Nick is euphemizing the fact that Vanessa has dinner with her family every Sunday as “you are traditional.” Because she’s smart and articulate, she takes it to mean something deeper than that, so there’s some awkward tension due to this miscommunication. Also… isn’t Nick super close to his family? Doesn’t that make this whole thing kind of weird?

Nick is proud to be an American.

....pretty sure this episode was filmed before the election.

They kind of talk in circles and compromise on nothing, and now the date is over. I wonder if I’d be friends with Vanessa. I think it would be pretty black and white; either we’d be besties or I’d never want to hang out with her.


Well… Two minutes in and Nick is already crying. Please let the record show: I don’t think that’s a BAD thing, I just thing it’s a thing.

Roses went to: Raven and Vanessa.

If I was OBVIOUSLY the last girl standing (like Rachel is now) and Chris Harrison came in to say “Rachel I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes” I would put up my hand and holler:

Rachel is giving us some SERIOUS mascara tears right now. I’m here for it.

But also like... This is Rachel, after this episode

Ugh. This is one of my season favorites, you guys.

The back row is officially the most forgettable girls of the season. Except for Alexis. Glad she admitted that gills mean that costume is a shark. That poor Production Assistant probably told her mom she was gonna be on national TV when they told her she had to sit in the audience wearing that thing.

Chris Harrison absolutely cannot control these women. I love it. He even whistles at one point. This is great.

Carolyn and I are very concerned about everything that is going on with Josephine’s attire. There is dark lipstick. There is yellow velvet. It is all so very much.

Seriously who is this chick in the back that is asserting her minor in psychology? Then Danielle stands up for the fact that Taylor got her Master’s, before readjusting her boob tape, and someone hollers “having a master’s degree doesn’t give you the right to bully someone!” Bless.

We hear a sound bite of Nick saying “The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense…” Which is a very good way to describe everything that was Liz on this show. Now she’s telling us that she was trying to get over someone else right after she hooked up with Nick, which is why she didn't pursue him… Why didn’t she tell Nick that? She gave an oddly impassioned speech (I say "oddly" because this is the Women Tell All, not Viola Davis accepting an Academy Award) and I love how Hare says “I love your perspective… how are you different now?” I think this female empowerment thing is kind of cool, but ultimately really hypocritical, because the girls basically undid everything by subsequently stoking the Corinne/Taylor flames... I’m not saying we should just blindly support all women ever because they are women, but tearing other women down does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone.

During this Corinne and Taylor bit, all I can think about how Corinne’s hair is a MESS. Also I can’t believe that Taylor is 23. Mercy.

This Taylor Corinne exchange:

Neither girl has a solid argument, so there’s no point to this.

I love that they show the Corinne Highlight Reel and then Chris says “When you watch that, what do you think?” She claimed that she had an “anxiety attack” on the night of the rose ceremony…

"Anxiety Attack"

I’m really bummed that Corinne’s hair extensions are curled tonight, but not her bangs.

Corinne’s rhetoric deeply reminds me of a certain candidate for president, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m still stressed about her sun spots. She just tells Taylor “Yes, right now, I held a grudge to you…” Ugh. Sentence structure, y’all. Loving the cheese pasta handout, though. She totally didn't plan that herself, but I always advocate for warm, simple carbs. Everyone needs some cheese pasta in their life. (Carolyn and I had some tonight. As we do every Monday night. For which we will NEVER apologize.)

Davey and Buck crapped out after Corinne (they text me updates from the east coast). Carolyn went to bed after Taylor. I am now a lone wolf watching the Women Tell All and this will never NOT be my favorite show on network television.

Loving Kristina’s lighter hair right now. She is heavily made up tonight, but not as heavily as some of the other girls. There is a LOT of make up and contouring happening in those seats tonight. Danielle M has opted for a low makeup look, of which I will ALWAYS be a fan, but her silver hair is NOT doing it for me...


Image result for zac efron gif thank you

Hare's delivery of “you had your heart ripped out” is pretty delightful. Add that to your reel, Hare.

At this point, Bryan walked in the apartment with a bag from McDonald’s, but he doesn’t eat French Fries, so I can’t be bothered. We then proceeded to mimic Danielle L’s crying noises for the next ten minutes. 

I like that Dominique calls Nick out on running away from the things that he allegedly wants (I also dig her eyeshadow)

So stoked for Rachel's season. Bless. Finale next week, you guys. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

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