Just Don't Bash Her Over the Head With a Hammer...

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

True life: after last week’s antennae debacle, my roommate Carolyn and I watched this week’s episode on the computer, in real-time via live stream… On East Coast time. Which means it started at 5.

It is actually shocking to finish the show and realize that it’s only 7 PM. It’s like a glorious version of “Fall back,” during Daylight Savings Time, or something.

I didn't start watching until about 5:20, but apparently all I missed was Selma asking Sean if he could “handle all 110 pounds” of her. YEAH RIGHT YOU ONLY WEIGH 110 POUNDS, ASHLEY GREENE. (This tidbit brought to you courtesy of Ethan Kasnett… Yes, including the “yeah right” part.) And I’m sure I missed the promo clip of Tiara asking another girl, “ARE YOU STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL?” that was no doubt repeated for the umpteenth time.

1) SELMA’S DATE:

Apparently they went rock climbing. Cool. (Sidenote: I would  like to know why they haven’t had a Bachelor date at the Trapeze School that exists on Santa Monica pier – I discovered the existence of that little gem last weekend – Hare, can you get somebody on that, please?) Moving on:

Observations:
- So much whispering between them right now. So much snuggling. I’m feeling a little claustrophobic.
- OH LET’S SIT THERE AND TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS NOT TO KISS HIM, THAT'S A GREAT  IDEA.

- Sean respects Selma. Grace respects Sean for respecting Selma. 

- But whoa there, Sean, you are hovering in the danger zone right now. Her mom isn't gonna like that...

- Ohhh she’s "found her prince charming." I think we’re done here.

Questions I have:
- Wait… How did Selma get on this show?!

- Anyone remember when Elizabeth Kitt played the No-Kiss card on Jake’s season? He was all about it at first… Until she turned into the BIGGEST. TEASE. EVER.
- Once again: no but seriously HOW DID SELMA GET ON THIS SHOW?!
- So “in her culture,” do they keep dating a secret from… their family? Society? Define "secret," Alice Cullen...

- Why is her speech getting slower and slower? Is this an editing trick?

- But really... Is the "secret dating" thing the reason she can't kiss him? Or is it literally because it would make her mom mad?

Memorable quotes: 
“It’s so funny when they can’t kiss… I mean, what else can they do right now? There's so much silence...”    -Carolyn

2) MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE FARM:
- Tiara asserts that shes' ready for a one on one date and that “I DON’T NEED NO chaperones.” It's time for Sean to "step up," and to "see who she is." I have no idea how those last three statements relate to one another, nor what they could possibly mean.

- Lindsay, Robin, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tiara are going to go on a group date where they'll have to "roll with the punches."

3) ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES:

Observations:
- This is Sarah’s first group-date. It’s CRAAAAZY Ashley’s third.
- Lindsay thinks they’re gonna roll around in hamster balls. Not a bad guess. (I would like to take a brief moment to salute the life of our first-ever real pet, in the Douglas Family (that doesn't count goldfish) was a hamster named Goldie, and we'd put it in one of those rolling balls whenever we washed the cage... One day our little neighbor, Connor, didn't secure the thing shut, and Goldie escaped...

In the wild.

Goldie was never seen or heard from again.

It was a dark time for our family.

If I were on this season, I'd probably cry to the camera about the tragedy that was Goldie the Hamster.)

- In case anyone doesn't remember last week: AshLee doesn't like “activities.” Something tells me there are gonna be some tears about this. 

- KRAZY Amanda straight-up lied and said she’s done Roller Derby before. I like Amanda more and more by the minute. 

- Robyn is concerned that Sean is going to think that she isn't coordinated, because her ability to stay standing, whilst on skates does not reflect her real coordination. I would like to take a moment to comment that it is true that your ability to rollerblade says very little about your coordination, so much as it says about how much you did it as a kid. 

- Wait let’s just talk about the risk of Sarah injuring her good arm. This isn't a question of “being brave,” it’s a question of INJURY. 

- Sean said that Amanda’s hospital trip was for “precautionary reasons.” I vote “liability reasons.” 

- LADIES. ATTENTION: Sean did not call off the Roller Derby, ABC’s lawyers did.

Memorable quotes:
-Tiara calls the rink decal “a skull and two bones.” IT’S ‘A SKULL AND CROSSBONES,’ TIARA.
-Tiara has been building up “aggression,” living in the house. I didn't know that aggression could be “built up.” 

- In her role as Sarah's Personal Cheerleader, we are reminded: 

AshLee: “She has everything that every other girl in the house has…” 

Carolyn: “Except an arm.” 

- According to Sarah, Amanda “wiped out. On her face.” Too good.

Questions I have: 

- Can someone bring out that giant dice and play that game where you’re out if they roll your number? Brentwood Skate Center, anyone? 

4) POST SKATE RINK:

Observations:

- Sarah asked Sean in about fifty five different ways “am I ok?” He affirms this. 

- Amanda openly admits that she’s willing to play dirty. Ten points for honesty. 

- Sarah asks if Tiara has talked to AshLee, before jumping ship. Grace is wondering the same thing. 

- Tiara is LOVING the word “torture” right now. 

- Ok fine. That part where Sean told Tiara that he could tell that she likes him by the way she looks at him… I’ll give you that one, Sean. It was sexy.

Questions I have:

- Tiara "doesn't want a Sympathy Rose"… so she’s going to fake going home? THAT won’t be a sympathy rose?
- Tiara asks if Robyn is still in high school. ARE THEY BOTH IN HIGH SCHOOL?!
- Update: Tiara got her "Sympathy Rose" that she "didn't want."

Memorable quotes: 
- I can’t even summarize whatever it was Lindsay said about her favorite and least favorite parts of the day because it was just... useless. It was useless in execution, because it made ZERO sense, and  useless in sentiment, because it somehow made her sound like she was seven. 

- “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Ok obviously Tiara hasn't even made it to high school yet, because she would have learned about adverbs, by now... 

- About being neurotic and psychotic, Sean tells Tiara: “I know guys probably… handle it differently." TO PUT IT MILDLY, YES. 

- “Don’t mind my short swimsuit.” Oh we don't mind at all, Sean. 

5) BACK AT THE RANCH:

- Is Pretty Woman your favorite movie, Leslie? Really, is it??
- Tiara, can we talk about the success of a relationship founded on one party “always getting what they want”?!

- I just need to remark that Tiara is the only one we have ever witnessed eating ANYTHING, on this show. Ever. 

 

6) DATE WITH LESLIE:

Observations:
- Sean is a dream, Sean is her future, Sean is her fairy tale. I’d LOVE to see a Bachelor about whom the women say “You know, he’s… alright.”
- SEAN WILL GET A PARKING TICKET IF HE LEAVES THE CAR THERE.
- Sean says that every girl talks about Pretty Woman and how Richard Gere treats Julia Roberts to whatever she wants and how he wants Leslie to be just like Julia Roberts. At this point, Carolyn and I yelled, “BUT SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE.”
- Ok you know they had the ABC stylist onhand, making sure Leslie picked out a strapless dress, to show off some more bling… 

- They are gonna be GREAT friends. I’m calling it right now. 

- As twisted as it is, I think one of my favorite aspects of this show is watching for the exact moment that the girl knows she’s going home. Cause you could see it written all over poor Leslie's face... 

- Cue the epic departure music... Wait also cue the music of the concert that they didn't get to hear. How unfortunate for all parties. Bet the production team was a GREAT audience for whoever that dude was...

Questions I have:

- That vest at the beginning. Sean, what’s happening with that? Talk to me...  

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Sean has taken control.” DID SEAN FOOT THE BILL, LESLIE?!
- Ok Leslie's cliche interjections. Let's talk about them for a second. In the car, there was “Holy Moly, Batman!” about which I won't even comment. There was “Winner winner chicken dinner” when she found the dress, which would be an acceptable time to use that phrase... if she were in third grade. And then there was an “Ooopa!” when they got to dinner, about which I really have no idea...
- “My parents divorced when I was five…” MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS WILL GET HER CROSSED OFF THE LIST.

7) COCKTAIL PARTY:

Observations: 

- Sean tells the women to come talk to him if they have questions. I bet Robyn’s gonna have some questions about Tiara tonight… (Update: she talked about chocolate. I was in the fetal position for most of it)

- Robyn apparently gets drunk on Sean’s kisses. Seriously. No,literally she seems drunk, and can’t get it together in the interview right now.

- Tiara is now trying to apologize to Robyn and is saying some really strange things that… make zero sense. 

- Lez is sporting the middle part tonight; not sure how I feel about it… 

Memorable Quotes:

- Sean tells AshLee that she’s been on his mind a lot. She asks him to expand about it. He replies, “I just know how amazing you are.” That’s more or less like when Prince Derek said “What else is there?” to Princess Odette in The Swan Princess. (You're welcome, Katie and Christine)

- “I’m not gonna let anyone bash a hammer over my head.” ....Keep telling yourself that, Tiara.

- The way that Daniella just pronounced “MANIPULATive”… would have been ok… if she were in fifth grade.
- Catherine just coined the term “Tierrable.” Catherine is climbing higher and higher on the ladder of approval. 

- “I feel comfortable and vulnerable enough to really shine tonight.” YOU GO, CATHERINE. She doesn't wanna kiss him in front of the other girls. So they go for a walk. How covert. She and Sean say “I really like you” about sixteen times, and also talk about how they never waste time when they’re together… I’m not sure those two things go together, but I won’t ask many questions… 

8) ROSE CEREMONY: 

Amanda, what’s going on with your hair, girl? And the purple lipstick - why girl, why?

Roses go to: Catherine, Dez, Lindsay, Lez, Sarah, Jackie, AshLee, Daniella and Robyn.

Afterwards, Hare came out and delivered his classic, “if you did not receive a rose” line, as though there were plenty of girls that didn't get a rose… There was just one. Bye bye, Krazy Amanda.

This was also the first Bachelor-accompanied walk-out that we've seen this season, where Sean said “I enjoyed getting to know you.” 

….That was it. 

And that last clip of Sean, unable to make the Jeep go forward was literally ALL worth it, just to hear his commentary, after each false start...