IF YOU CAN FIND LOVE ON DATING APPS YOU CAN FIND IT ON TV

Hi first things first GUYS I WAS A SENIOR IN COLLEGE WHEN THE EMILY MAYNARD SEASON AIRED I AM EXPERIENCING MY AGE IN A WAY THAT I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. 

Send help. 

Several quick questions during this What-Arie-Has-Been-Up-To-For-Five-Years Montage:

1) Why are we not seeing Dolly Parton in this flashback? Does no one remember how Dolly made an appearance?

2) Why are we not talking about how he dated that producer, Cassie? That was a groundbreaking, FOURTH WALL BREAKING moment in Bachelor history, HELLO.

3) Remember how Emily ruined that perfume-making date with Arie cause she wouldn’t let him even do the date because she sent him home?

4) OH I FORGOT ABOUT ARIE’S JOURNAL ON THE AFTER SHOW!!

Honestly looking at him age right now right in front of my very eyes is like seeing Mark Hamill in the new Star Wars franchise. (Which I still haven’t seen, because I refuse to acknowledge my own mortality… whatever)

So the show doesn’t premiere before January 4th, like, EVER, so when I scheduled my flight back to Los Angeles after Christmas, I chose to fly out on New Year’s Day. I had to leave my parent’s house at 7 pm sharp, literally JUST as we were getting the footage of Arie driving up the coast and talking about how he’s looking for love… it was PAIN.FULL. Full of pain. However, my friend Kimberly GRACIOUSLY offered to let me watch at her house (We still don’t have cable, get on my level) so Kimberly, Justin, and Daisy Mae the cat and I watched together. Normal Peanut Gallery proceedings to begin next week. (Oh also JUST IN CASE anyone was wondering - I did NOT get engaged over Christmas. Whew, glad that's out of the way!)

I spent most of the opening ten minutes raking my hands through my hair, repeating “I can’t believe it… I can NOT believe Arie is the Bachelor…” I mean, how did they have ZERO options and just dive deep back into the archives and pull out an archaeological artifact for this season, my mind is BLOWN by this. Think about how much this franchise has evolved in five years. Think about how much YOU AND I have evolved in five years! And all the grey hairs that Arie now has! It’s just so much and I love it all. Most of these girls were literal BABIES when Emily’s season aired. Think about it: all of them were born during the presidency of Barack Obama. I’m just kidding. But not really.

MOVING ON:

Oh Chris Harrison, how I’ve missed you and how I love you. Also you look tan and I am NOT objecting.

THE LADIEZ:

Chelsea from Portland, Maine – she was “comforted” by knowing that Arie was The Bachelor. What an interesting word choice. Also she has apparently never touched toys or a peanut butter sandwich before, because she does NOT know how to fold this shirt right now. I was also attempting to educate Justin on how to spot juvederm and botox, and Chelsea was a GREAT subject for this.

Caroline, Real Estate –

JUSTIN: Well that’s totally a normal dress to show a house.
GRACE: I really didn’t need to see her ribcage.

(Also they totally found these people in the house on Actor’s Access, let’s JUST be real.)

Maquel – Photographer… And the new Corinne. Even down to the center part of her hair.

Nysha – nurse – I 100% do not care that she jumped out of a plane.

Tia – the new Raven. Don’t ca- oh, it looks like she literally does KNOW Raven. Obviously she is not from this town named after a male anatomical part, they just went twenty miles down the road from Hoxie and made her pose next to the welcome sign and handed her that red toy as she exited the limo.

Kendall – Taxidermy Girl – can someone introduce her to Kirk’s dad? Yes KIRK FROM ALI’S SEASON WHO HAD A DAD THAT WAS INTO TAXIDERMY. (Remember that basement?) Yes, the same Kirk who broke Carly’s heart on Bachelor in Paradise, BEFORE CARLY FOUND LOVE WITH EVAN BECAUSE TRUE LOVE IS REAL.

Bekah – nanny. So… she’s an actress. Mmm hmmm. This girl is absolutely an actress. Make no mistake. If your hometown says “Los Angeles” and your last name ISN’T Garcetti, then you’re a) not from here and b) DEFINITELY an actress.

Marikh – lemme guess. She isn’t here to make friends. She 100% does not co-own this restaurant with her parents. Just like Corinne didn’t run her parents’ business are you KIDDING ME.

Coach Krystal – YES. Omg she is such a wreck!

JUSTIN: She’s also not 29. And I love how they made it look like she was generous and gave out two bags of food but it was really that they only had time for one shot of “homeless people” in this intro.

Limo Exit Notes:

- Relator Caroline – “off the market” line. Could’ve done without that.

- Chelsea – is Chelsea already hammered? This seems like a weird intro.

- Kendall – “creative director,” where’s her ukulele? (update: I’m sorry I asked)

- Seinne – elephants never forget… AND NEITHER WILL WE. But she is very pretty. Not that being pretty makes up for bad jokes, but just an observation.

- Tia – OMG. The tiny toy she pulled out. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY IT BY MENTIONING IT HERE, some things should be sacred. MERCY.

- Bibiana – Bibiana is so Miami that I 🍩even know how to handle.

- Bri – sports reporter… I did NOT need her to throw that ball. Don’t care that she played softball. Also, if you’re a sports reporter, don’t you call yourself something more official than “sports reporter?”

- Jenny – pink dress. Boring.

- Brittane (or HOWEVER you spell her name) You know what? I don’t hate the Ferrari/Arie joke. Am I getting old? Is it my old age that’s turning me soft?

- Jacqueline – well she seems the most down to earth so far, but she was definitely born during the Obama Presidency.

- Krystal – I really want a Krystal burger, tbh. When she told him to… close his eyes and feel the gratitude… Remember when the big chubby guy in Mulan grabs the short guy with the black eye (voiced by Harvey Firestein – FIRESTEIN, not Weinstein, calm down) and makes him meditate? That’s what this reminded me of. Hold on, here’s a picture:

Have a Gratitude Attitude

- Nisha - EAT SOMETHING

- OMG this girl with the yellow dress and red hair. She is the most quintessential season premiere girl that ever lived. We don’t even see her name because she is going home in literally five minutes. (Update: she’s a “Server” from Nashville – really, that was the best title they could come up with? And she got a rose!)

- Nanny girl Beckah drives up in a red version of the car that Princess Mia drives in Princess Diaries and I CANNOT BE BOTHERED.

Thank you, Trolley People. 

- Jenna – social media manager. Jenna has already been overserved and what is she even saying to Arie right now as she is grabbing his shoulders, this doesn’t even make sense but I love it.

- Jessica- Jessica wants us to believe that she’s 26 ARE YOU KIDDING ME omg I’m remembering that I’m older than half these women now and it’s such a time warp.

- Marikh – what did she even say to him? I zoned out. Something about spice?

- Olivia – “I adored you on Emily’s season” WELL THAT’S GREAT BECAUSE YOU WERE FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN IT WAS ON, GIRL BYE.

- Becca – Could have done without the Rebecca Jill thing but this girl is gonna go far. Also how many push ups can she do because she is ripped.

- Lauren – Ohhh he really likes Lauren (well, this one, anyway)

- Lauren J – “recent master’s graduate” that’s a new one. These Mardi Gras beads are out of control but I’m obviously very into them.

- Lauren B – oh are we going to have to keep up this Lauren trope all night?

- Lauren – “executive recruiter from LA”… so she’s another actress.

- Ashley – real estate agent – too many finish line jokes, Lord have MERCY

- Brittany – did NOT need to be speaking Dutch so poorly. Mortifying.

- Amber – spray tan line OMG HOW DARE SHE!

- Ali – pit stop… Please don’t.

Literally.

- Annaliese- KISSING BANDIT GET OUT but why is he touching her so much. Also I love how people wear a TINY mask on this show and act like they’re wearing a bank-heisting ski mask.

ILLUSIONS, Michael! 

- Maquel – OMG her hair extensions. Helloooooo Corinne. This girl will 100% be releasing her own fashion line before she tries to find love in Mexico on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.

- Arie’s 60 mph to 0 when Chris talked about the first impression rose was REALLY working for me.

- KIMBERLY: I just need to take a moment and point out that Arie is calling them “girls” and not “women.” Not sure what that means but let’s take a note. (I feel like we're going to circle back to this one)

- Of course the Juvederm girl steals him away first, are we surprised? Also she low-key reminds me of Courtney Robertson,

- OMG ARIE’S “SILLY FACE” WITH CORINNE 2.0 I AM DECEASED. Why did she take a photo and walk away? I love this,

- Who is this down to earth girl that is talking to him by the fire? I can’t even scroll up in my notes to see her name. Probably Lauren. (Update: Jacqueline. Rooting for you, Jackie)

- Brittany… pulls him aside to show him something she has prepared. OMG is it a massage table. Oh hello it’s two Barbie cars. How did she squeeze into that pink car? Arie saying that he would give her a bump is the most charming and human he’s been this whole episode. And now she says that their kiss was the greatest of her life and it was LITERALLY a peck.

- Kendall and the ukulele… Please leave. It’s like it’s so overproduced that she’s not even that nervous and awkward about it and so it just SUCKS. We don’t see her being nervous about it or anything as she sings a garbage song, this is just a straight up dumpster fire.

- Jenna… Who maybe owns a pedicure shop, maybe owns an ice cream shop. GIVE ME MORE OF THIS GIRL.

- Annaliese, Mask girl … We hit the rewind button on Aire’s “Aww, so pretty” no less than nineteen times. Reminds me of the way my dad said it when he saw my lavender cotillion dress in sixth grade, So much disappointment. And I’m sure Annaliese is now mortified that she has a chemistry goggles mask mark on her face. (Also may we NEVER forget the mask guy from Ashley Herbert’s season)

- We are LOVING the white dress that one of the Laurens is wearing but we are definitely ready for her to run for office, not to marry the Bachelor.

- Chelsea has clearly done some pick-ups, cause she’s not wearing her lashes in this interview where she says that she needs more time with Arie… Aaaaand she steals him away again. Hope he enjoyed those lips, cause they have to cost about $300 a month…

- Pink dress girl drew a picture of Arie and said that she was an artist when she was a little girl… THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL WHEN EMILY’S SEASON WAS ON.

- Nanny Beckah is a MASTER. She knows all the right questions to ask and all the right looks to give. I think I’m rooting for her?

- Random note about an Ashley… WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GIRL IS. Seriously have we seen her before?

- Roses went to: Becca, Marique, Kendall, Lauren G, Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S, Sienne, Caroline, Brittani, (Don’t even know how to spell her name) Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B, Ashley, Tia, Maquel

Oh I feel kind of sad about the girl whose dad “met” Arie (but did he really meet him? Asking for a friend. But I think this girl looks too much like Laura Trump for me to feel endeared to her)

GUYS I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS SEASON I 🍩 KNOW HOW TO EVEN. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...  

Bachelorette Red Wedding

Let me start with this: I get morning newsletters from ALL the outlets. You name it, I’m reading it when I’m procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning. The longest running daily news stories I’ve been getting are from… Yahoo News. I couldn’t even tell you why, I could just tell you that I know way too much about the Kardashians and Duggars because for WHATEVER REASON, Yahoo over-peddles their stories. So this (Monday) morning, I was DEVASTATED to read that Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split. True love is DEAD. And THEN do you know what I read? “If you think Rachel chooses Bryan, read this…” and proceeded (like the usual sucker I am) to an article about how apparently Rachel and Bryan’s last date is full of a bunch of air and awkward silences… You know who ELSE had a final date like that? Kaitlyn and Shawn. Right before she absolutely, unequivocally picked Shawn B and he proposed. What I’m saying is SHE IS GOING TO PICK BRYAN AND THEY’RE GOING TO LAST FOR FOURTEEN SECONDS AND I 🍩care.

Ok. Onto bigger and better news: I got to be in the Bachelor in Paradise studio audience this weekend.

Yes, that means exactly what you think it means.

Let me back up: on Thursday of last week I got a text from my friend Shannon, who had seen a post from a friend on Facebook, saying something like, “We need people in the audience for a Bachelor in Paradise special, email this person if you wanna go!” I didn’t even finish reading Shannon’s email, I just IMMEDIATELY reached out to the email address and was like, “I WANT TO GO GET ME THERE.” Carolyn was out of town for the weekend and could NOT join me, so I was flying solo. I signed (what I’m sure was) an iron clad Non Disclosure Agreement (TLDR), so I won’t be giving anything away, but just stay with me, here. So we get to this holding room where we sign all the papers and they give us some Subway sandwiches. Then they start calling us by group to go into the studio. (As in: group that you got tickets through – ABC, Next Entertainment, etc) I knew that I wasn’t in a big group (obviously) and would be called at the end, which meant a crappy seat in the back and I could NOT HANDLE that, so when they said “Disney Group” and called everyone’s name in the group, I just stood up and walked over to the group of people. Completely bluffing, pretending I was a part of that group. I knew they wouldn’t be checking names once we were in the door. So I started talking to two girls and when we got into the studio and the coordinator asked “How many in your group?” still bluffing, I answered, “Three.” And when they showed us to our seats (which were great) I turned to the girls and said “Ok, sorry, I was totally lying, I am NOT a part of this group, I forced myself into it and I’m sorry.” They laughed and agreed that I’d made the right choice. So then a producer comes over and says “Ok, I’m gonna need you guys to spread out and each sit on two chairs, so we can make it look like this row is full. After the cast gets offstage you’ll slide over because THEY’RE GOING TO COME SIT OVER HERE.” Yes, you read that right: I was sitting next to the cast. For literally HOURS. Imagine a 14 year old at a Justin Bieber concert because THAT WAS ME, for six hours straight. NO. CHILL. Other memorable moments include but are not limited to: the SIX times I yelled “WE LOVE YOU CHRIS HARRISON!” during the silences. He finally said “I love you too.” And now I think we’re dating. I will GLADLY ghost write all of his future romance novels.

So the gist of it is: a) it was the best day of my life b) I was in the same room as Chris Harrison and was so close that I could have thrown a Frisbee and hit him in the face and c) I will be watching the BIP after show, COMBING THE SCREEN FOR MY FACE like a kid who was featured on the news in the ensemble of a homecoming pep rally dance. As they say in Hamilton “If I could see half of my hair, that would be enough.” (Totally kidding. They don’t say that first part in Hamilton. But you get it.) So during the second and third week of BIP, there will be an after show with a studio audience –THAT was the thing I was in and seriously, even my own wedding day won’t compare to that day.

So Carolyn and I still don't have a TV. I have watched highlights of last night. It looks like it kind of played out the way I said it would play out, and without further ado, I now present guest host, Claudia Crook's thoughts: 

(Actually let me give a very brief preface and say that she and I were talking last night about reality TV (or "Unscripted TV," as we say) and I was kind of explaining why I think things went down the way they did and how they ended up going down the way that they did... Which ended up totally ruining the show for a one Claudia Crook. And for that I am deeply apologetic. No one should be ruined on this show. Everyone should believe in TV Magic and True Love!) 

CLAUDIA:Ok, so honestly, our brief conversation about the possibilities of how the ending of the show was manipulated by the producers has completely changed my outlook on the whole thing.

I’ve seen UnReal. I know the production process is manipulative. But the show became enjoyable for me to watch with the presumption that the contestants were willing and conscious participators; that they knew it was a game and how the game was played and were co-conspirators in a way. We the audience were being duped, but to a certain degree the contestants were in on the joke, or at least the lead was. This kind of lead/franchise relationship is exemplified to me in the pep talks with Chris Harrison, the strategy meetings of sorts. I also knew the show that we saw was manipulated in editing – picking and choosing the best stories based on the footage available (exhibit A, the ridiculous teasers that made it looks like a) Kenny and lee got in a fight and b) Peter made Rachel cry back before hometowns). But I guess I had thought the action actually unfolded relatively organically, with the knowledge that the casting was made for specific reasons and the dates are grueling and unusual and the isolation process is stressful. What I may have seen tonight, though, is depressing and disturbing in that, if what Grace has suggested is correct, even Rachel is a pawn of the system. And I also had fun imagining the show as a kind of modern match-making process. Even though it’s not really what the brand of the show advertises and sells, which is the fairytale romance that I assumed the less critical consumers of the show just buy into wholeheartedly, I had suspected and really saw in Rachel’s use of the show and the “process/journey” that the show could be much more practical – just like the Indian community using biodata and their parents and aunts and uncles expertise to find a mate for them and then quickly agreeing to it re: Meet the Patels, why not use the whole force of a highly trained ABC production team to sort through thousands of applications of men who want to date you and then have a bunch of really elaborate dates and also stressful situations to find someone you work well with and then just go with that? Maybe not romantic in the traditional sense, but a hell of a lot of fun, and practical! I thought that was the decision Rachel was going to make with Bryan vs Peter.

To say that I feel Red Wedding level betrayed by the finale of the 13th season of The Bachelorette would be a fair comparison.

Here’s what I thought I saw: 1. A great example of the things I loved about this show and the possibilities of reality television, which is real human emotion. Goaded, perhaps, but those eyes are puffy and those noses are snotty and those looks of devastation are genuine and in the moment. The full flex of those 43 facial muscles, that’s what’s gripping about this show. I saw it in Peter and Rachel’s conversation during their last date and I saw it when they met again in the after the final rose segment. 2. Rachel make a decision that is uncommon but perhaps wise – to choose a partner who is perhaps less magnetic at the get-go but has more concrete qualities that you know you can depend on for life; the use of this show as a perhaps antiquated but maybe more mature match-making process that focuses on the actual things that make a long-term relationship work and put more faith in building love and marriage with someone who wants to be there with you instead of focusing on an initial passion/magnetism that almost undoubtedly will fade.

However, both of those sweet tastes of voyeurism turn sour when I think of producers calculating 1) how their image would be hurt if the show came down to black vs white and somehow manipulating Rachel’s decisions so that that wouldn’t happen (though how naïve of them to think that conversation wouldn’t be happening regardless of how it happened – we just already had that conversation; what arrogance/ignorance to think they could skirt around it, particularly considering how they brought a real live racist on the show and then played him off like a normal mid-season villain), and 2) how much better the ratings would be if Peter didn’t win and then whispering into Rachel and Peter’s ears things that would make them break up even though they probably had the best change at an actual relationship, making EVEN RACHEL believe that she made the decision herself! that’s what I saw in the after the final rose segments – she seemed very happy with Bryan, but also the relationship with Peter is still fraught with feelings.

In terms of seeing emotions on screen, it suddenly feels much more exploitative and gross to be watching it go down with that level of manipulation on the table; if the lead is also being handled with so little respect just so the audience can see that kind of lasting effects of psychological trauma play out on television, all for money and ratings, the Roman Colosseum is hardly an inferior ethical comparison. I mean, have you ever had to confront an ex with whom you had a messy break up? Remember how shitty that was and how you lie awake thinking about it, whether you said the right thing, how much you hurt someone/were hurt? Now think about having that broadcast on live national television after having to watch it happen again. And think about the people who put you in that situation for a paycheck. And having to live with putting yourself in that situation for a paycheck! What torture!

And the GOT parallels come in the trickery of it all. The red wedding disappointment is like…I thought Rachel was better; I thought I was better! I saw myself in Rachel and saw Rachel making logical decisions and saying things about relationships that I’ve said about relationships. What I thought I saw was two smart people (Rachel and Peter) getting “around” the show in a sense, and I believed in it. I believed these two could have a real lasting thing in spite of the show, almost in the blatant defiance of the show. OR, I thought I was going to see Rachel make the hard but wise decision to go with the one who wants you, and present the relationship like the practical choice it was. But she didn’t present it that way – instead of , “you have the things I want, you’re there for me where others weren’t, you sold me with your confidence” she came out with the “you’re my best friend, you’re my forever, I can’t imagine my life without you” which we saw absolutely none of on the show. It’s possible it was there, but they chose not to show it. So with the editing of this season, like the Lannisters closing the festival hall doors at the Twins, the producers just pulled the rug out from under us and were like, “Nope, we win, we always win, we’re gonna get our proposal from the guy that we purposefully made out to seem like a used car salesman AND spin it like he was the favorite all along, you think you’re smart but you’re not, and neither is this girl who you loved all season because we can manipulate her too and get our manufactured and completely fictional ‘fairytale’ ending exactly on our terms.” It’s like, I’ve been duped. And that interpretation is still assuming that Rachel was somehow important – it becomes even more disturbing to think that at some point a production meeting happened when someone pitched Peter as the next Bachelor and then they stopped paying attention to Rachel and her process at all and then just started grooming Peter for the next Bachelor story to make them more millions of dollars (and put this whole nasty race issue behind them for good, conveniently!).

So yeah. That darker interpretation has totally colored all of my other more fun and exciting thoughts that I had during and immediately after the show. Just the money in all of it…I don’t know if I’m going to watch anymore! Combined with the way they’ve marketed the situation with Corinne and DeMario and the way they handled the race issue by treating it so disrespectfully (by a) disrespecting Rachel by bringing Lee, a racist, onto the show as a contestant, b) making light of real racial tensions by playing the lee and Kenny rivalry as a typical mid season fight, and c) clearly having the arrogance to think that as long as the final two contestants weren’t one black and one white that the whole race issue would suddenly not be important, and then taking whatever steps were necessary to make sure that Rachel didn’t have black man standing up there as the final two), I just don’t think I’ll find watching the show fun anymore.

GRACE:

I SWEAR NONE OF THAT WAS INTENTIONAL. Everyone should believe in TV love all the time!! This is a strange and dark turn to end the season on, but somehow wildly appropriate. We all know Bryan and Rachel aren't going to last. Maybe I'm also feeling resentful because this season was so dull, in the sense that we knew it was going to come down to Peter and Bryan this whole time, and then three episodes ago we realized that Peter wasn't gonna propose... I do hope against hope that Peter is the next Bachelor, and since he's such a level headed dude, they're gonna get some REAL colorful girls on that season. Oh, and I'll have a TV by then. 

Also I should remark that "I walked past your eyelashes for two days" is the new "I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR" was the best thing I saw on Twitter last night. 

Until next year, IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD.  

Men's B*tchfest (Gran's title, not mine)

So Carolyn and I moved this weekend and do NOT have a TV. 11 years ago we were pretending to watch TV during Advanced Theatre when we were NOT on task and last night we were doing EXACTLY that: pretending to watch TV.

Sorry, Ms. Klocko.

So I have dispatched my guest hosts, Davey and Gran Gran, with taking notes. Not that it's a contest, but... Davey let me down: (I screenshotted these off my Droid and pasted them together in Microsoft Paint. GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, MARK NORMAN) 

And now... drumroll please for Gran's Commentary!!

Ok y’all, total disclaimer...I didn't know half of these dudes. Here we go:

First off...the memorable moments were lower than low rent. Who even cares about those?

There is some BAD JuJu amongst the dudes. Dean is clearly the audience fave, and he won the consolation prize with Paradise. I guess. Gain paradise but lose your soul, hmmmm?

Iggy to Lee: “You are a gossip queen… Rat of all rats…You're a joke bro." Wasn’t Iggy the one that you and Davey whined about? (See above, Gran)

Blake spent more time talking more about Lucas than Rachel.

Heard several "her &and I"...where did these dudes learn grammar?

There were A LOT of bleeps...Mercy, they can cuss.

Kenny: "I wasn’t there for Lee, but for Rachel.” Lee apparently badgered the guys. DeMario was on team Lee. Kenny REALLY missed his daughter. He did an impression of Lee. I wasn’t impressed. Pun intended.

Lee states that Kenny is one of the smartest guys in the house. Says he should've been a better friend and that one of his tweets was especially heinous, (I won’t dignify it by mentioning the contents) He really got busted on that one by the dudes AND Rachel. BUS.TED. He appeared as if he was falling on his sword, all contrite. And eating a MAJOR slice of humble pie.

Diggy was offended that Lee got a rose over him.

Josiah: Lee was a common enemy, He asked if he was a racist, why did he come on the show with an African American?

Lee hugs it out with Kenny, and wants to apologize to Rachel.

Dean: relived his heartbreaking moment. He asks why was he her beautiful surprise, then dumped? Hometown revisited...he wanted Rachel to see his big picture.

Rachel was pretty much hemming and hawing about the guys. Nothing newsworthy.

Bloopers were idiotic.

Okay kids...that's all I have. I do need to disavow myself after taking a SHOWER.

Give it up for my hard working team, y'all!!! 

Honestly I'm still scouring the streets of Venice for Deanie Babies. 

If he's a bird, I'm a bird...

It's Miracle Season, Y'all!

Seriously I'm already bored and depressed going into this week because Deanie Babies is gonezo. And if you DON'T think I'm SCOURING Venice, California for this guy every day of my life now, you're wrong. 

MOVING ON:

Meeting the Fam

PETER:

Ohhhh look at Rach switching it up and introducing her family first. Oh wait, her sister is pregnant. This exposition scene with the guys was so stupid and such a waste of time. The Living Room Peanut Gallery hates ChiroBryro at this point. Ohmigah why are she and Peter at this baby store right now I am SO BORED, WHERE IS DEAN?!?!

Ok Here’s the deal: we ALL know she’s gonna choose Bryan. She isn’t gonna choose Eric, Peter isn’t ready to propose, and now they’re having to fill in all this boring exposition because there is NO show. I don’t hate Peter’s stargazer lilies that he brought for Mom and Co, but if only he’d picked them out himself… It was a bold move for her to tell him that she’s falling in love with him too – I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BEN HIGGINS. (But still… marry me, Ben)

Have bag. Will travel. 

Where is Rachel’s dad? I do think it’s telling that Rachel wanted her sister there badly enough to bring the guys to Texas. Also this is very obviously 100% not their house. Sure, they added some family photos up on the wall, but this is not their home. 

I love how Rachel is trying to convince her family that it’s ok for Peter to propose to her after one month because his parents got engaged after one month. As an attorney, she should know that this is a weak argument, Your Honor. 

Loving that the brother in law asked what items are “of note” to Peter. Not concern, just “of note.” But then her mom asked Rachel what the red flags were. And Rachel says “I don’t know if he is ready to propose.” Because THAT is going to be the show, you guys. Peter will be the one who won’t be sure in the end, and she’ll pick Bryan. Ugh, I need to get out of unscripted TV. It's ruining this show for me. 

Peter doesn’t want to ask for Mama Lindsay’s permission and Mama Lindsay LIKES IT. Honestly so do I. Peter is so down to earth. And MERCY, this light of day is making those green eyes shine.

We saw Rachel’s dog and I go “What’s the dog’s name?” Carolyn says “Copper.”

And we both looked at each other and said “THAT NEVER HAPPENS!” (Carolyn has trouble with names. And small, minute details. Like the name of a dog we’ve seen twice. This was a big moment for her.)

Carolyn’s roommate Jyoti hasn’t seen a lick of this entire season, and after Peter’s date she goes “I just don’t think he…. Likes her.”

She’s not wrong.

ERIC:

Rachel’s uncle remembers that Eric was one of the guys that came on at the After the Final Rose, and I am HERE for his superfandom. 

I wish that Constance had taken the moment that she spoke with Eric to sing Celine Dion’s “Have You Ever Been in Love”… I really wish she’d carpe-d that diem, but alas, she just gleaned that he's never actually been in love.

Eric asked for Mama Lindsay’s permission… She gave him a very diplomatic answer. So diplomatic that I still don’t even know what the answer actually was.

CHIROBRYRO:

Ok that’s all I got on Eric. Oh good grief. Now it’s time for ChiroBryro and I 🍩 care. SHE’S INTRODUCING HIM TO HER FRIENDS! I’m telling you he’s going all the way. This is like when Nikki met Juan Pablo’s family.

RACHEL, to her friends: I thought he was a d-bag!

CAROLYN: I definitely still do. 

Honestly I kind of zoned out while Bryan was talking to her family because I was reading about someone’s speech to the Boy Scouts today, but also I was bored AF. Ohhhh loooook, he’s leaving the dining room, Rachel is annoyed… He’s probably going to get a human body art performance sketch of his love for her, calm DOWN, Rach. (I don’t even know what that means, but he probably left to go fetch some grand gesture) Wait but now we’ve gone to a commercial break. No art performance sketch? Constance doesn’t think Bryan is genuine and I completely agree with her. Constance is giving me Ben Patton taking on Ben Higgins and I am INTO IT. (Honestly, either of those Bens: MARRY ME) Is it just me, or has Rachel been talking Bryan up to us this whole season when we can all see right through him? Kind of in the way that your coworker talks up that one guy who is just THE guy and then you meet him and you think, "Really? Him?" And THEN you kind of doubt your entire relationship with your coworker cause you realize her standards are in a place that is totally different than you thought and THEN you start to kind of doubt YOURSELF because maybe you're a poor judge of where people's standards are? 

I seriously just made up that entire scenario just now, truly: THAT'S how bored I am. Gracious. (But I know you guys know what I mean. Seriously does ANYONE like Bryan? Let me see a show of hands...)

Rachel sits down with her mom and comes at her wearing her attorney hat, as she tries to convince her that it’s ok to say “I love you” after like, six minutes.

FANTASY SUITE DATES: Spain

ERIC:

All I can think about while they’re walking around Spain is…. “If I were The Bachelorette, I’d need my toe shoes.”” So much walking today. This scenery is pretty beautiful. I wouldn’t mind going here. The last place I’ve been really impressed by was Antigua, on stupid Dez's season. I will never tire of the site of the mountains next to the ocean. 

This dinner between Eric and Rachel is painful and boring. I love how “I love you” has somehow become the litmus test for the leads on this show. Like, no matter what kind of person they’re dealing with, ALL THEY NEED is to hear “I love you.” He says it and she’s ready for the fantasy suite. Mercy. Also: why is Eric wearing an undershirt on this date? Like, a straight up white undershirt. Like Big Daddy wears. 

Oh wow. We are seeing Rachel and Eric walk around the morning after. She does NOT have eyelashes on and she looks GREAT. Seriously, she needs to cut back on the lashes. 

PETER:

Peter and Rachel visit a vineyard that was… built on love. I don't know about that, but I really enjoy this Spanish man singing right now. 

PETER FOR THE WIN. That cork. I don’t even care if this story is made up. I love Peter. Not as much as I love Dean, but I love Peter. He isn't ready to propose, so they'll probably orchestrate a Brad Womack Redemption storyline and make him the next Bachelor and I am HERE FOR IT. 

Ohhhh Rachey is getting angry that Peter isn’t ready to propose. She’s getting real aggressive. This is weird that it is now a thing for them that they don’t agree on the definition of… engagement? 

OHMIGAH WHY ARE WE BEING STRUNG ALONG TO NEXT WEEK?!?! Although next week is the Men Tell All and you guys KNOW how much I love that shiz. 

So stoked for Lee and Kenny to face off. And for the Men Tell All audience to appreciate Deanie Babies.

Oh wait, next week might be... TV-less... Carolyn and I are moving into a place and don't have a TV (yet) soooo if anyone has a TV they'd like to sell to us... Or if anyone has a nice man they'd like for me to marry... Or cookies, honestly. You know, the usual things. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Special Guest Host and Commentator: GRAN

​Have I told you guys how my mom used to take notes on shows when I was in high school? (Didn’t have DVR then, still don’t have it now.) She would watch Alias and The Bachelor when I was in rehearsal then give me a run down when I got home. TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK. You know how super fancy people have guest hosts of their podcasts? That’s what I’m doing today. Here is Gran Gran’s commentary and recap of the show, for your viewing pleasure…

ERIC...in Baltimore... Took Rachel to "good part first, bad part last.” Played some hoops, then sat on basketballs to talk. He has never brought home a girl. His best friend was impressed. He had no role models, so he had to "put his big boy pants" from an early age. Admits he puts up a front that says "I'm OK.” Met the fam in a swanky hotel. Mom asks what it's like to be first black Bachelorette. Eric said he was running from love. Did NOT tell her he loved her.

BRYAN... Met her in Domino Park, and they shared Cuban cuisine. Rachel is very nervous. Bryan’s old GF was threatened by his mom. Mom told Rachel that she would kill her if she broke his heart. Dead Serious. Bryan is a mama's boy. BUT he did tell her that he loved her. Big Daddy loved that this was in Miami and kept asking if you knew every person on the screen, if they were going to go to your church, or if they’d stop in Little Havana and see Allycat.

PETER... Isn’t ready yet??!! Mercy. His friends loved her. At home, Rachel melted with Peter's niece, watching him interact with her. Rachel said he was more reserved around his family, but she connected with Mom and Sissy. Rachel said she was committed to a man, and NOT the proposal.

DEAN... Rachel jumped him when she first saw him. She does that ALOT. It was D's first visit home in 2 years. He is “troubled,” as Big Daddy would say. His dad is really bizarre. Dressed like some Shaman. No communication with Dean. Dad hit the gong and said Dean had a lack of energy and power.  Then Dean proceeded to go off on his dad, and dad simply walked away. I can sum it up in 1 word: BAGGAGE. He also didn’t tell her he loved her.

Rose ceremony:  First of all, her metallic blue eye make-up was HIDEOUS. Nothing we’ve seen before. Mercy. Rachel has feelings for all 4 men. Bryan was the ONLY one to say I love you. With Dean, she said he was a big surprise...but then she dumped him.  She seemed to be hemming and hawing thru the entire ceremony. Dean was obviously upset in Limo...saying he'd found true love...So, why didn't he say so to Rachel? I can sum it up: he was shell shocked by visit to his family.

I know a lot is riding on this commentary... May I disavow myself?​

NO YOU MAY NOT, GRAN, THIS IS AMAZING.

Guys, be sure and comment to tell Gran what a good job she did. Also she sent me THIS in the mail the other day, and if you’ve ever spent more than sixteen seconds with me, you know I LOVE some good drapery. Coupled with Lilly Pulitzer = the DREAM.

Three cheers for Gran! 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tomorrow will be difficult. I don’t know what else to say. Except: BYE!

First thoughts: OMG I’M SO GLAD TO SEE DEAN ON MY SCREEN AGAIN.


I love that we’re hearing from Matt for the FIRST TIME THIS ENTIRE SEASON. He and Adam HAVE to know why they’re here. They are there for the explicit purpose of being easy to send home. That is IT. ChiroBryro gets ANOTHER one on one date… Adam and Matt still haven’t had one on one dates.

Now is obviously my favorite time to bring up that ONE RANDOM DUDE from Ali Fedotowsky's season... David? We genuinely DID NOT hear him speak until the episode before hometowns in like, Reykjavik when he was sent home.

I'm about to look this dude up on Spokeo

At least Adam had Adam Jr. as a point of reference, but SHEESH these two got ZERO airtime. Hopefully they have better luck in Paradise.

One on One: ChiroBryro:

I really don’t care that they’re driving this stupid car around Switzerland. Take me to the site of the Geneva Convention, that’s all I care about. This stupid Bentley reminds me of how they gave Dez a baby blue Bentley on her season and it was SO. STUPID. I hate cars and cannot be bothered. (Except shoutout to my favorite guy, Rodger the Prius, because he is bae. All other cars are a waste of time.) Show me that you have a copy of the 1623 First Folio - THEN I'll be impressed. Mercy.


The only reason I’ve heard of this watch place is because I have to drive through the Watch District to get to Carolyn’s house every Monday. And by “Watch District,” I mean that for a stretch of three or four miles on Pico Blvd, there are ONLY billboards for luxury watches. Including Breitbart, here. Wait what is it, Breitling? I 🍩 CARE.


RACHEL IS NOT BUYING THE WATCH, BREITLING IS DONATING THE WATCH FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT GET OUT OF TOWN WITH YOUR LIES, RACH.

I love that they set up Matt and Adam to talk on the balcony about how they haven’t had one on ones dates. Are they mortified as they watch this, seeing what kind of pawns they were? One has to wonder...

AND NOW LISTEN TO MY MAN DEAN SPITTING TRUTH ABOUT BRYAN’S WOMANIZING WAYS.

Ok is it just me, or is Rachel going HEAVY on the hand jewelry this season? Which is a lot for me to say because I’ve been stacking as many rings on my fingers for as long as I can remember but there is just SO much metal happening on her hands. It’s pretty much the only thing I have to think about on this date because they’re JUST making out and talking about luxury things that 🍩 move me.


That is a FULL glass of wine that Rachel is working with, at the dinner table right now.


I appreciate that Bryro went to an all boy’s school. I don’t appreciate that he asked Rachel for specifics about her school uniform. I am liking this symphony that is playing for them. But honestly, I low-key miss Josh Rachet, from Juan Pablo’s season…

Rachel says Bryan “brings out the best in her,” and that is because he LITERALLY SUCKS IT OUT OF HER, mercy!!

One on One: 
Dean Don't-Punch-Me-In-The-Face Unglert


Dean asks Rachel “is ths Sunday best?” EVERYTHING YOU DO IS SUNDAY BEST, DEAN.


You guys… Dean’s smile is… I don’t even know how to describe it. White Oleander? It has to be poisonous, right? BUT IT IS SO PRETTY. I don’t know why I said it could be poisonous. I don’t mean that. I take it back, Dean, MARRY ME. I have zero problems with this date being an outing to church. Wish they didn’t have to make conversation with people who don’t speak English, but whatever.


WHY ARE ERIC AND PETER SITTING ON THE BALCONY SAYING UNCOUTH THINGS ABOUT DEAN?!?!?! This is blasphemy.

YOU BOYS BETTER LOOK OUT.

Also why is Dean so nervous on this date?! He is imploding right now before our very eyes and I don’t understand what’s happening. Meanwhile, Matt is ruminating on the fact that Dean is “set in his ways” as a guy in his twenties… Is it 25 year olds that are set in their ways or 37 year old chiropractors? Remind me… I have no qualms about the fact that Dean asked Rachel what her favorite dinosaur was, I can definitely get behind that question. Thank goodness she finally got to the bottom of it at dinner tonight, but I wish that Rachel had asked him “WHAT’S WRONG” so much earlier in the day. Kind of stoked to see what on earth his family could possibly be like. What does he mean when he says his dad is "eccentric?" (Update: judging by the previews, that means EVERYTHING and I cannot wait) Take me home to your eccentric Dad, Deanie Babies, I won't judge.

One On One: Peter

Rachel and Peter are going to the Alps… and it greatly reminds me of Sean’s Giant Snowbus aka one of my favorite dates in Bachelor history. Seriously I looked at Carolyn and said, “What does this date remind me of?” And she goes “Sean’s Giant Snowbus!” Then we high fived.

NEVER FORGET

THEY ARE SO COLD ON THIS DATE IT IS WORSE THAN THE REVENANT ARE THEY GOING TO SLEEP INSIDE A DEAD HORSE?

(I actually asked this outloud and Bryan goes “Yes, Grace. They are. Don’t ruin it for everyone else.”)


Peter told Rachel some stuff about his last girlfriend… I was half listening cause I was reading this terrifying article about global warming, it’s fiiiiiine:
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/07/climate-change-earth-too-hot-for-humans.html


Three on One:

Obviously the producers have been feeding Adam some LINES because he just told us that he has a stronger relationship than any of the guys in the house....

YIKES

CAROLYN: She is wearing a CROP TOP. It is SNOWING.

I think Eric’s date was on the Tuesday episode last time and I just need to remark that seriously NO ONE has ever made such a strong comeback in Bachelor history, EVER. The rate at which he was able to get out of his head and pull it together was ASTONISHING. And now he just wants to be her shoulder to lean on. He is a Bachelor prodigy. Whatta legend.

Meanwhile Adam is ABSOLUTELY deranged. He is feeling confident and at peace and we all know what THAT means.

And now Matt is telling Rachel that he loves having seen her evolve over the past 8 to 10… months? Huh? Ohhh she’s already crying.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

That was also strangely the longest goodbye kiss we’ve seen in Bachelor history. Interested to see if he's perked up at all by the Men Tell All.

Obviously they had to cut for time, so we didn’t see Rachel have time with Adam during the day, nor did we see her tell the dudes that she had just sent Matt home, but whatever. This date is already long AF.

Adam is spitting some serious game as he talks to Rachel, but we all know that she’s giving the rose to Eric! Was ANYONE thinking otherwise?? Mercy.

Ok. We're now down to four. I am SO excited for Dean's hometown next week, it's kind of unreal.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Tides of Realness

Announcements:

1) BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK ON ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD I AM SLEEPING SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT. Lack of punctuation intended to indicate stakes. 

1a) There's apparently a three part interview with DeMario happening sometime this week. I learned that when I went to yahoo.com to try to login to my yahoo email account. Couldn't guess my password. Gave up. But excited about that interview. 

2) I watched live at home tonight with my roommate Adrienne because Carolyn and Johnny are literally too famous to function - they were at a MOVIE PREMIERE for a film that Carolyn's company did. Everything famous that's ever happened is those two. 

3) I won't get to tomorrow night's episode til probably Thursday - I have dinner plans with two of my favorite ladies tomorrow that I sternly refuse to reschedule. 

THAT BEING SAID:

We open with Eric being too drunk to even fully open his eyes. Then Chiro Bryro tells Rachel some math equation about how they’re perfect for one another and I’m annoyed by him. WE JUST SAW SO MUCH OF HIS TONGUE WHILE THEY MADE OUT OH MY WORD.

I really appreciate how Will said something to the effect of “I don’t care about Lee and Kenny, unless someone is throwing punches.

....That said, I will go and watch.”

I think that’s my entire life summed up in two sentences.

Here’s the thing that Kenny and Lee need to do: have this discussion in front of Rachel. THAT is how they could solve this. I’m not saying I’m King Solomon (remember when those two women with the baby came to him and he was like “I know how to settle this”) BUT I KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS. If they hashed it out in front of Rachel it would go so differently. Especially because she's an attorney. Now Lee is walking away from the conversation, a definite giveaway that he has lost the argument. Good, cause I was tired of listening to them talk over one another. They were worse than political pundits on Meet the Press.

Group rose is going to Chiro Bryro, I’m calling it right n- oh, look. It did.  As his twin, Alex, stands behind him. Ouch. And then Rachel just slinks out. Kenny congratulates Bryan, implying that this is a contest, and then he... whispers at Lee.


One on One date: Jack
Oh my gosh this date with Jack is PAINNNN FULLLLL. Y’all what is even happening!!!??? This is disastrous. Why... is Jack... the way that he is?? No hot sauce on my oyster, please. Jack is every uncomfortable quality that a man could possibly have, rolled into one. 

Ok here's my one insight about Jack - You KNOW that Jack is every girl's friend. You know that every girl he’s ever known has told him that he’s a "great catch" and is "totally the marrying type".... but they won’t go on a date with him. BECAUSE HE IS THE CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE!! 

These background Shaggin Dancers are so excited to be featured on this show, though. 

Live your best life, shaggers. 

OH MY GOSH SHE JUST GAVE HIM A PECK AND THEN TOLD HIM SHE WAS SICK WHAT HIS HAPPENING I AM DYING OVER THIS.

And why does Jack keep giving her this serial killer look?!!? I didn't even have to wait for this moment. I just pointed my camera, snapped a picture and it was his serial killer face because he was hardly ever NOT making that face. And yes, that's how many cords it takes to run the TV to an antenna through a converter box because I insist on living no later than the year 1994. 

There seriously hasn’t been a date this bad since that guy Doug that Emily Maynard had to send home mid-group date after he tried to kiss her. I am locked in the fetal position and have no plans to get out of it any time soon.

I love how Rachel takes everything he says so literally – like when he told her he "couldn’t focus during the dancing," she looked at him like, "Oh so you have ADD?" Or how he was "shocked the first time he spoke to her," she looked like she was ready to ask, "Oh, did they tell you the Bachelorette was gonna be white?" She can't even enter onto a joking level with him because she is SO repulsed by him. 

Aaaaaand the first thing Jack would do back in Dallas is… lock the door. MERCY!! Rachel had a weird soundbite about that, saying how it showed her what kind of man he was, when there are plenty of things they could be doing around Dallas. I would argue that it isn't so telling that he wants to "go to Dallas and lock the door," but that he wants to do that and she doesn't feel good about it. Because I can guarantee that if Peter or ChiroBryro said that, she'd be all about it. 

WHY DIDN’T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM HIM?! I really hope he's on BIP. Full disclosure: I somehow found myself combing DEEP into Taylor’s Instagram comments (Mental Health Counselor Taylor who got into it with Corinne – remember her?) and she and Danielle M from last season were calling out some trolls, and then Jack jumped in on the fun… Probably because none of them have jobs and sit around on Instagram all day... It was several days ago before BIP resumed filming, so who KNOWS what will happen down there. Also I will never NOT endorse going deep into someone’s Instagram comments. It’s worth it every time. 

Can't stop. Won't stop. 

Whoa, Will is spitting some truth at Lee right now about what’s going on with Kenny. Lee isn’t having it. Guys, Will is growing on me something FIERCE. (EvenThoughHeDressedUpAsUrkel)

Rose Ceremony:
Adam and Iggy clearly missed the dark suit memo, but I’ll let it slide. I can’t believe they made Kenny and Lee stand beside each other but I’m obviously here for it.

Roses went to: Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and… Lee.

Wait what did Lee say about Kenny? A phrase that they use down south? I missed it. And I’m watching live so I can’t rewind!

I’m glad Iggy has support from his dudes. They seem to really like Iggy. Ok I really didn’t hate Jonathan's“one for the road” moment. It was definitely the most self-aware he's been all season and I’ve got time for that. Didn’t need to see his “tickle hands,” though. Woof.

Iggy is crying and saying that he has learned more about himself in the past four weeks than he has in thirty years. Can someone PLEASE explain to me how this show "teaches you about yourself?" Because I don’t understand how it does anything but make you miserable and insane… (and very TV worthy)

MOVING ON. Norway:

Glad that Rachel got a copy of the Norwegian Welcome Packet so she could read us the amenities that Norway has to offer. She couldn't have been any less excited about it.

RACHEL: This is real. I’m trying to find a husband.
ADRIENNE: WELL AREN’T WE ALL.

Rachel says that when you travel with someone, you really get to know them… Rachel, that’s when you’re stuck in a car with someone for seven hours. THAT’S how you get to know someone. Not when you fly cheap Norw-air while production makes it look like a chartered plane touched down on that runway just now... (No, "Norw-air" isn't a thing, but I should probably make it one.)

One on One: ChiroBryro

Dean thinks Bryan is going to go home… I respect Dean, but I think his barometer is a bit off on that one.

Rachel informs ChiroBryro that they are going to repel down off a huge ski jump. Cool. Scared of heights, scared to open up to love, blah blahhh.

Did I tell you guys that we’re doing the Sky Slide this weekend? It’s at the US Bank Building… You know, the slide that’s 70 stories up in the air that Nick and Vanessa DIDN’T do when they dined on top of the US Bank building. (Seriously why else would you POSSIBLY go to the US Bank building?)

WHY IS RACHEL RAPPELLING THIS IN HEELS? Sara Jung, may we please get an official statement from Rock Climbers of America about how this is a bad idea? (No, Rock Climbers of America isn't a thing - well, as far as I know it's not - but I should really make that one a thing)

Ok they’re a little bit charming together. I’m not mad. But I could definitely do without the smacking during their kisses.

I support the conversation that Rachel and Bryan are having at dinner right now. Super vulnerable. But when are we going to get to the fact that it’s crazy that he is still single?

Chiro Bryro told her that he’s falling in love with her and he has had NO MORE than eight total hours of conversation with her. No joke. God bless America and God bless reality TV.


GROUP DATE: 

Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

These outfits are dumb. They’re not even funny, Is Matt on this date? Can’t even tell.

I strangely love that Will played hand ball at summer camp growing up. I'm seriously thinking about tweeting incessantly at Will and making him meet me at the Venice Gold's Gym when he's in town for the Men Tell All. Any thoughts on that?

Peter has a GREAT attitude about this and is using his time on the court SO wisely.

Why is Dean wearing a jock strap on the outside of his jersey? Mad protection of the family jewels? Adrienne and I can’t figure it out but aren't ready to quit giggling about it.

I CAN’T BELIEVE RACHEL AND PETER GOT IN THE HOT TUB ON THE GROUP DATE! WHAAAAAT. That's honestly... kind of rude. Like, I believe the dudes when they said "Well here he is three hours later" when Peter finally emerged... Shout out to the Production Assistant who got to blow dry his hair and comb their fingers through those silky silver fox waves...

Group date rose went to Will. Peter obviously didn’t get it because she feels like he doesn’t need any affirmation DUH.

Two on One Date:

It always amuses me how people talk about preparation for these dates saying things like, “I’m calm, I’m focused,” like it’s an actual marathon. The proper response would be “I’m excited to spend time with Rachel!” Come on, dudes.

It’s also entertaining that the people that get sent on the two on one dates… have no physical connection with the lead. Remember Corinne and Taylor? (Don't tell me Nick and Corinne had physical chemistry) Or Alex and Mad Chad? Or Olivia and one of the Twins? Zero. Physical. Connection.

Is it just me or does Lee look… puffy? Like he had one too many drinks last night? Is that just me?

WHOA LEE IS LAYING DOWN A SCENE, HERE. Mercy. I can’t wait for VanGate to come up at the Men Tell All. 

Ok I'm no lawyer, but I DO want to explain some logistics, here. I'm not defending either party, but I have found that I am a VIGOROUS defender of clear communication, and I want to point out what happened, here with VanGate: 

Lee told Rachel something to the effect of "Kenny got really aggressive with me, he wanted to pull me out of the van one night... He showed up and said "Is Lee in there?!" 

Interestingly, Lee made no mention of Kenny actually laying a hand on him. Kenny probably said "Is Lee in there?" so he would know to ride in the other van. But because Lee set up his statement with "Kenny wanted to pull me out of the van," all Rachel heard was "Kenny attempted to pull me out of the van." 

Which Kenny obviously didn't do. I can't speak to the whole "Kenny said he has a dark side that comes out when he drinks," but in terms of VanGate, Lee pulled a REAL snaky move and IMPLIED a whole bunch of things. 

But I'm bummed that Rachel Lindsay, Doctor of Laws, didn't pick up on that. 

Very curious to see if she sends them both home. I feel like she doesn't, cause we have yet to see the instance where Kenny ends up with that blood on his face, which is obviously fake... SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Until tomorrow, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.