Make Corinne America, Again

First things first: new conspiracy theory, among the Remote Living Room Peanut Gallery: Corinne is actually Tiffany Trump.

Then, because... America, more news broke:

(The boys were watching on the East Coast, I was still at work) Let's declare yesterday #SallyMonday thx. 

Loving that we open this episode with Rachel giving a pep talk about keeping your eye on the prize. Then we pick up with the fireside chat, where Corinne has never heard either the word "eye," "prize," or "emotional intelligency" but who's counting (we gave up counting long ago) Corinne is just spouting straight nonsense to Taylor right now. She has now declared that no one in the house likes her and maybe she's not here for the right reasons. Both girls are pretty intoxicated, which means basic girl blabber is running rampant. 

This episode being hosted by Josh Gad and Luke Evans … I have so many conflicting emotions. My love for Beauty and the Beast is unparalleled. When I was a kid, I had Belle EVERTYHING. So obsessed. And I love Josh Gad. And Luke Evans is EASY on the eyes (is he related to the Hemsworth Family? Come on, is he?) … but the corny puns are just SO MUCH in my life right now. I just don't even know. 

It is very clearly freezing in this barn where they’re having the rose ceremony. Or they’re all vaping. On a personal note, I tend to identify with Danielle M and actually look WAY better when I’m cold (probably because it gives my face actual color since I’m usually ghostly from wearing a visor all the time and wear 0% makeup) 

Roses went to: Whitney (really?) Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimie, Krystina, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, and Taylor.

Taylor accepted that last rose VERY forlornly. 

Oh I’m sad that Sarah Hyland went home. She seemed so reasonable. Bye, Astrid.

I love how many times Nick must’ve practiced saying “N’Orleans” for the ladies. And it still wasn’t that seamless.

Quick travel observation: They are flying Southwest. I’m obviously here for it.

One On One: 

Rachel

I love how the girls are taunting her with “You liiiike him,” and it’s giving me shades of Miss Congeniality’s “You want to hug hiiiim, you want to loooove him” and I’m INTO IT. (And yes, everyone called me "Gracie Lou Freebush" after that movie came out, and they thought it was HILARIOUS) 

Rachel opted for a shirt with... no back. Did she think they were going to a dance class? She's wearing a leotard. I'm confused. 

Nick is NOT goofy in this flea market right now. Why is he holding a wad of cash in his hands? Take that alligator off your head. I'm bored. 

There is no way to gracefully eat a beignet, but watching Nick eat one is waaaay better than watching him try on hipster fake glasses. Rachel is so cool. I want her to be my best friend. Teach me how to be so cool, Rachel. But wear a shirt with a back, pls. 

They are sooooore spontaneous and “wander” into a bar where there’s live music! Apparently Rhonda Rousey is launching her singing career. Didn’t see her going in that direction, but I’m here for it.

They’re sitting down for dinner (she's finally wearing something with a back) and I’m REALLY hoping Rachel doesn’t tell Nick she’s falling in love with him. I don't think I'll be able to handle that, and it will definitely ruin how cool she is in my mind.

I’m concerned that Nick asked if he had to call her dad “sir.” Is that even a question? Are you kidding me? What does that even mean? Why would he ask that? If anything, he should be asking her how to address her parents on the thank you note. (and for the record, it's: "The Honorable Rachel's Dad and Mrs. Rachel's Dad." but don't call me Emily Post...) 

I DO like Rachel's sentiment,“It’s been such a long time since I’ve been vulnerable over somebody." I like that a lot. But I'm still so disturbed that it was even a QUESTION in Nick's mind about whether or not to address her dad as "sir." Mercy. 

Group Date: 

Josephine, Christina Alexis, Raven, Jaimie, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Jasmine, Danielle L.

I love how excited Alexis is about the ghosts. Meanwhile Raven is not having ANY of it.

It also seems that no one bothered to tell Raven that her shirt isn’t buttoned…

Boo, the tour guide, is just a TAD disappointing to me, I won’t lie to you. I’m kind of an expert in southern tour guides. One of my personal favorites was Fern, who took us on a tour of “Historic Charleston: Featuring the Georgian Period.” Not kidding. One day on vacation Big Daddy woke me up and was like, “We’re going on a tour.” This was a very regular occurrence on vacations, and kind of still is. We were the only ones on the tour. I’m not even kidding. We kept passing people on tours with like, fifty people, but this one was JUST us.I recall that I got in a bit of a tussle with her because she mischaracterized the Baroque period and I wasn't going to stand idly by... 

Not a drill. 

Here's another one, when we toured ruins of Dungeness on Cumberland Island, where BD and I heckled the tour guide about what could've possibly happened to Uncle Andrew Carnegie. 

But srsly: not a drill. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm, prepping for the two on one: Taylor and her essential oils. Oh mercy. Look, I have a thousand of them. I am ON the essential oils train, I just don’t peddle them to people and I definitely don’t sit in a circle of candles to inhale them. CAN I GET AN AMEN, BOWEN ALICE?! 

Honestly Nick’s hands on these women are like a kid’s hands digging in sand. You know when you’re trying to talk to a kid about something (shoutout to my babysitters) and they’re totally not listening to you and just running their fingers in the sand (or the carpet or the grass or WHATEVER) THAT is of what his hands remind me. Speaking of children, I love that Raven is ordering Jasmine around and making her apologize to May for offending her.  

Other parenting move: Rachel was ordered to counsel Corinne and Taylor.

SO MUCH NUZZLING WITH DANIELLE M. FINGERS ALL OVER. 

Raven told Nick she’s in love with him… By accident? I don’t even know anymore. Danielle M got the rose. I’m bored. I wish they'd shown Nick in the Nicholas Cage mask, here. Really excited about the two-on-one. 

TWO ON ONE: 

Taylor and Corinne 

WHY DIDN’T THE CARD SAY:TWO WOMEN ONE ROSE ONE STAYS ONE GOES?!?!?!

This is how I feel about that: 

I love how backwoods these two-on-one dates are… A glacier, a desert, the forests of Pennsylvania, anyone remember the HotTug? I’m here for it all.

I don’t know who these voodoo people are or how production found them, but this is amazing. Clearly they literally dragged these people off the street and told them to don white, chant, and burn some sage. The first priestess woman they spoke to was clearly the owner of the air bnb where the crew was staying. I wonder what instructions the tarrot card reader was given. This is so great. Even the animal motifs are amazing.

CORINNE: Taylor basically called me stupid.

NICK: How did that make you feel?

GRACE:

THE DUET IN THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST TRAILER I AM SLAIN. Seriously I’m just going to cry through that whole movie. I’m going to have to see it alone because I will be a WEEPING. MESS.

Gracious. Back to the two-on-one:

Thoughts: Corinne isn’t looking Taylor in the eye as she’s making these accusations. I wonder if Taylor asked Corinne about the voodoo doll. Was she like, “Hey what’s that doll with a pin in it?” No? 

Honestly maybe Taylor didn’t get the rose because she chose not to wear a bra today….

I love that she says “I don’t think he fully knows the girl he sent home tonight” as she enters the voodoo circle.

CAROLYN: Are they going to light her on fire?

Commercial break: Apparently Neil Lane is peddling rings at Kay Jewelers, now. Has he always been doing that?

I’m still so stressed out by the sunspots on Corinne’s chest.  

Ok but seriously WHAT is up with the format of these episodes? Is this a new thing now? It’s not like they were losing viewers and had to delay the rose ceremony to keep them hanging on. So strange. But I don’t mind being strung along til next week to see the Taylor confrontation.

Final word: This is obviously not a political commentary. But it seems mmmm.... callous, I guess, not to take a moment to observe that we are living in harrowing times. I am privileged to post this frivolous blog every week. May we continue to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird… 

Taco Spas...

Ugh, the Living Room Peanut Gallery missed the first part, did Vanessa confront him? The recording started as he gave Corinne the final rose (duh) and said goodbye to…

Christen got sent home. Don’t care. Get your hair under control, girl. She is forcing these tears so hard right now, mercy.

Brittney didn’t understand why girls cry on the show, now she does. I actually really liked Britney. She obviously didn’t last long enough for me to learn how to spell her name correctly, but she’ll probably show up on Bachelor in Paradise. Speaking of which, I’m calling it right now: Josephine is going to be the STAR of BIP. We all know she’s only got one or two weeks left on this season…

Corinne gives a toast, post-rose-ceremony: “We should take every day as…. Great.” I don’t even know what Corinne was saying in this toast. This is a weird edit. And now she’s eating her rose. Oof.

Speaking of edits and Corinne, did anyone else notice the pick-up interview they used of her throughout this whole episode? That interview where she had the Z Gallerie backdrop and was wearing a black top, had heavier eye liner than usual? That was a pick-up interview. Cause we got her commenting throughout the entire episode from that one sitting (in addition to the interviews of her outside the farmhouse and inside the barn later that night) – did you notice that? It just means that the producers were building the episode in post and realized they needed more soundbites of her, so they made her sit down and record some more shade throwing… Obviously they quickly handed her a glass of wine. This girl knows she’s good TV.

Also shoutout to Remote Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Ashley, who pointed out that Corinne was in a Juicy J music video, circa 2011. Yes, Juicy J, the guy that comes in on that Katy Perry "Dark Horse" song with "She's a beast. I call her karma..."

We open with Josephine sitting in the mansion living room, saying basic millennial generalities for which I do not have time. Something about how Nick is narrowing down the women, he’s looking for a wife…

Don't care.

The girls start SCREAMING when Chris Harrison tells them they're going to… Milwaukee.

JOHNNY, as a young girl: THEY HAVE CHEESE CURD THERE! THEY HAVE BEER! THEY HAVE PEOPLEEEE!

Living Room Peanut Gallery is loving the height of basic that is Jasmine’s shirt that reads “Farmer’s Market.” 

Live your best basic life, Jaz. 

Nick goes to meet Ma and Pa Viall and Johnny immediately asks the Living Room “would it surprise you to know that Nick’s Mom is an aspiring country singer? Cause I feel like she’s about to announce that to us…” Ohhhh she has a nose ring. How trendy and progressive, Ma Viall.

Ma Viall is a crier and I’m here for it. She’s also apparently kind of crying because she’s worried that Nick is going to be Forever Single. 

My parents too, Nick. My parents too.

As I’m watching Nick tell the women that he’s taking Danielle L on a date, I’m thinking how weird it must be for the bachelor to see all the girls hanging onto each other like BESTIES, knowing that if you do ONE of them wrong, she’ll tell the others.

One on One Date: Danielle L

Wait, Danielle L’s laugh is the ACTUAL worst thing ever. We all now know that the “L” in Danielle L is for nervous LAUGHTER and – 

You guys… the Nick-erdoodle. I’m not even mad that it looks like someone doodled an alien out of silly string. You know I’d eat that thang. The other day at the office, Smith asked me if I would take care of something, and when I told him it was already done, he said, “Of course it is. Cause you’re unstoppable.” I thought about it for a moment, and said, “Actually…” He finished, “You’re very stoppable. I’d stop you with cookies in a heartbeat.” 

It's terribly true.

I’m upset that Nick’s ex-girlfriend Amber chose this shirt to wear today. What is going ON with the back of that thing, right now? I wonder how production even got this girl’s contact info. Is Andi coming up on the next episode? (Did I tell you guys how I read Andi’s book? I read it when Josh Murray went on Bachelor In Paradise cause I love a good self-assigned research project. It was as good as those books usually are. I’m still a little upset for her life that she chose to leave a job as a practicing lawyer for reality TV fame, but that’s neither here nor there…) I wish that Rachel had been with Nick when he ran into ex Amber; she’d ask way better questions.

Ok wait… Danielle and Nick were lying in that field, talking about all their firsts… and then Nick goes “Chrissy…” and then they started kissing. That’s what happened, right? Or did he say something else? Kiss me? That was weird.

I YELPED when I saw Danielle’s choice of dress for the evening portion of this date. DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW THAT YOU’RE WEARING THAT? (I used to yell that to freshman girls leaving the dorms on Friday nights when I was in college)

At this point, I started threatening to turn on closed captions because Carolyn and Johnny had started throwing out one liners. Nick asked Danielle if she had flaws and Johnny whispered, “IBS…” Carolyn said “I listen to Creed....”

Danielle said she didn’t want to “research anything about Nick,” before coming on the show…

It’s 2017. You don’t NOT research EVERYTHING. Come on. 

CAROLYN: At this point I’m wondering if she even HAS nipples, because wouldn’t we have seen them by now?”
KIMBERLY: If she wears that in Milwakee, what does she wear in Vegas? 

Danielle gets the rose. So we have to put up with her laugh for at least another week.


Group Date: Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimie, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

So they’re on a farm. Nick “thought this would be really fun.” Read: The producers knew this would be GREAT television for Corinne.

Josephine with the white pants and Jasmine with the white sweater… WHY. (I mean, I know WHY, but WHYYYYYY)

Aw man, I was really thinking this was one of those competition dates… They’re just pretending to shovel animal crap. I’m bored. Obviously Corinne is well (enough) versed in “millennial brat” to call her “cold hands” a “medical problem” that involved “losing circulation.” I bet she missed a lot of school due to “medical problems.” Let’s also address that he is still calling feces “poopie.” Mercy.

Kristina was clearly primed to tell Nick all about her past… and he told her they didn’t have time. Has a bigger Bachelor emotional shutdown ever happened? I guess there was that time Sarah H. showed Sean Lowe pictures of her family and he responded by… sending her home. But still, oy vey.

Listen, I’m not surpised by Corinne’s inability to be articulate when she addresses the group (see: her post-rose-ceremony toast) but she spits a BIG game in her interviews when she says, “Watch me, I’ll be sweet and fake right back to those women. Two can play that game.” And then she proceeds to be neither fake nor sweet, just… dumb. Her announcement to them was dumb.

Meanwhile Vanessa shows Nick a book that her students made… When she said, “I have something I wanna show you,” I was SO scared that she was going to whip out a microphone and sing. I know we’d already established that she was normal, but MAN I got real scared there, for a second.

Sarah calling out Corinne right now is EVERYTHING. She was so cordial and articulate and I am SO here for it. Also she has the widest eyes I’ve seen since Sarah Hyland.

Rachel looks like she’s unraveling… HANG IN THERE, RACHEL. I’m also a little concerned about how her dress is fitting. Or rather, NOT fitting, right now. But thank goodness none of those tears spilled onto her face. (On second thought, I could've used tears on her face as points for my fantasy team, but for her actual human morale, I'm glad she didn't cry)

Kristina is pulling ZERO punches in her confrontation of Corinne. Whatta dish, whatta doll. Out of the major Corinne confrontations this week (Sarah, Kristina and Taylor) and Kristina is by far and away the most articulate. Also after spending all that breath telling the girls to say things to her face, Corinne literally walks away from the conversation with Kristina. I’ll say it again: she’s GREAT TV. This whole corn husk thing? Great TV. She knew America would latch onto a vegetable soundbite, just like we did with Onion Ashley. I'm here for it.

The LRPG agrees that Nick looks exhausted. This is the most tired we’ve ever seen him.

JOHNNY: This is the most I have ever related to Nick.

We were all FLOORED by Krystina getting the rose. Johnny was especially happy because she’s (one of the only girls left) on his team.

One On One: Raven

Raven seems so nice. I still wish she had been the villain. Johnny thinks she has dead eyes.

The date said “get your kicks,” Raven just suggested that they might be playing baseball. I’m mildly concerned about the disconnect, but I’ll let it happen.

The LRPG is all pretty concerned about the age difference between these two siblings – how old is Bella? That is a LOT of time for Ma Viall to be giving birth to kids when she needs to be focusing on her country music career…

Can we talk about how Nick straight up bolted away from the goal, when they were supposed to be blocking goals? Doesn't bode well for fatherhood...

GRACE: How did they get appearance releases from all those kids?

JOHNNY: THEIR PARENTS ALL WANT THEM TO BE FAMOUS.

I really don’t know what’s going on with Taylor in her bikini and Danielle being fully clothed, with their feet in the tub during this conversation but I don’t care enough to be mad about it.

WHY WAS THERE A CHILD IN THAT ARCADE GAME JUST NOW?
Also: Bella is obvs the future Bachelorette. Let’s just get that on the table right now.

Raven really isn’t present during this whole day. Except for when she tells Nick about catching her ex-boyfriend cheating, but we’ll get to that in due time…

There are SO many straps on that dress that Raven wore to dinner. There aren’t even that many straps in my closet, what is happening?

Also: How did Nick get so sunburned?

Raven then goes on to describe ASSAULT AND BATTERY and she and Nick are… kind of laughing about it. Literally assault and battery. Stiletto to the head. Mercy.

WHY IS THAT DRESS SO STRAPPY?

Rose Ceremony:
First things first: I would NOT go near that fire cause I would NOT want my hair smelling like smoke for the next 24 hours. No ma’am, I would NOT.

Did Josephine just say “hyper-critical” or “hypocritical?” seriously no idea. And Corinne and Josephine gnawing on snacks is perfectly fine with me.

Ohhhh how is Taylor gonna handle this confrontation with Corinne?? Will her Johns Hopkins master’s degree pay off? Also… I love how she doesn’t seem to realize that the more she confronts Corinne, the more she sets herself up to go on the two-on-one date with her. I’m calling it right now. I'm mostly disappointed in this confrontation. I expected more from Taylor. She talks about Corinne's self-awareness, and I wonder if that is the first time anyone has ever uttered those words on this show, but both girls seem like they've had more than a few drinks, AND the curse words are FLYING, which means the drinks must be flying…

I can't wait for Corinne's social media post where she defends managing a multi-million dollar company. Cause we all know there's no WAY she does ANY of that... 

WHY DO THEY KEEP CUTTING IT OFF BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY? Obviously I don’t even care because I am here for it ALL.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird....

Trying So Hard to Be Myself That I'm Not Myself...

FIRST THINGS FIRST: WHY DIDN'T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM LIZ. Lack of question mark intentional. Seriously I needed some tears from her or something to get me some more points for my fantasy team. Can't wait for her on Bachelor in Paradise. 

We start the episode off with the Kentucky Russian explaining the previous night’s events. Allegedly Christen got the rose. Nick is patting himself on the back for being “transparent” with the ladies. Ugh. At least Christen’s hair is in a little more control tonight, so I’ll give her that.

Ohhh and Lacey tells Nick this situation is “eerily similar” to Kaitlyn and Andi. So she’s calling him a slut.

I'll allow it. 

I’m really not into how Nail Salon Danielle and Nick are waving their interlaced hands around whilst talking about his relations with other women, but that’s just me.

Gonna go ahead and throw this question out there - why is it that Nick is at the center of three of the more noteworthy Bachelor sex scandals? What does that mean? (Seriously, I'm asking.) Is it because he has nothing better to offer? Is it because it's the ONLY thing he has to offer? 

OH I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE THAT LITTLE GEM CORINNE HAS BEEN HIDING TONIGHT… And we see that she’s commandeered the ONE Bachelor mansion bathroom to don a trench coat that is, as remote Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Buck Curly informs us, way more “flasher pervert” than “sexy.” Then she mentions something called “sex charm.” Something tells me it has nothing to do with a bracelet.

Raven tells Nick she’s ok with everything about Liz. I will NEVER stop wishing she was way more venomous. I needed more points for my fantasy team! Marshmallow girl (Hailey?) just told Nick he was a Hot Topic. I do believe she meant “hot commodity” but if she wants to compare him to a gothic tchotchke store, be my guest.

Corinne in the trench coat… I really could NOT care any less. And then we have“I don’t think giving into this moment is going to do any good for anyone” which JUST might be the wisest thing Nick has ever said, even though he's still handling this like a 13 year old boy. Also worth mentioning: Corinne is drunk as a skunk right now. Mightily intoxicated. That is neither here nor there so much as it’s just an observation on her sobriety. And now girls are crying about it. HELLO GIRLS, YOU DON’T CRY ABOUT THE WHIP CREAM, YOU RALLY AND YOU HAVE A MARCH ON SATURDAY IN DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES- wait sorry. Wrong audience. But come ON: this is why the show is such a train wrecked masterpiece. Instead of women saying “Psh, her lack of creativity with that whipped cream is laughable,” these girls are crying. Then Corinne took a Xanax and went to sleep. Tell me something I didn't see coming.

Also let's establish that Sarah and Danielle L. are the SAME. Like, is there an actual difference cause I don't see it. Except that Danielle L, apparently works in six nail salons and is probably one of those chicks who says "Girls don't like me, I was always friends with the boys..." You know the type.

Roses went to: Astrid, Taylor, Britney, Christina, Danielle, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimie, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Britney, Josephine, Jasmine. 

Hailey (was she Marshmallow girl? The one with the bobby pin tattoo?) Lacey, and some other girl who looks exactly like all the other ones went home. Bye, girls!

I'm still mad we didn't get an exit interview from Liz. 

Group Date: Backstreet's Back

Danielle L, Christen, Christina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne

THE BACKSTREET BOYS IN THE MANSION IS SO MUCH FOR ME EMOTIONALLY RIGHT NOW. Wait... but Brian Littrell's balding mullet hair is also a lot for me. 

Ok I did laugh at Corinne saying she does the Mom Dance. And now Christen has mom HAIR. Ugh, Christen, you were doing so well! 

Did you guys get all of the info in Nick Carter's plug for their Planet Hollywood Residency in March and June in Las Vegas? Did you?  

I don't hate Corinne trying to dance because... that is me trying to dance. But I'm also really stressed out by the sun spots on her chest, so she's at a zero net gain to me, right now. And when I say "right now," I mean literally in this moment where she's dancing with sun spots on her chest. Only these three seconds. Otherwise her net is WAAAAAY in the red. Oh and now they've sent some poor Betty into the bathroom to console her. Whitney? Is that who they sent in? Corinne is crying and saying "I'm not a crybaby, it's not like if the attention isn't on me I'll start crying,,,," but she is and she does, sooooo.... 

Ok I'm going to throw a wet blanket on this date. Anyone else think about how it's kind of sad to see the Backstreet Boys like, almost fifteen years later? Am I so obsessed with aging that I'm really sad thinking about having to face an aging Brian Littrell? And weren't they kind of reaching for some of those notes? But SINCE I'm so obsessed with aging, I'm JUST gonna take a quick moment to throw in some shout outs to other idols who have not aged: Julie Bowen (Am I the only one that watched Ed? She looks the same.) Thandie Newton (HELLO Mission Impossible II and Westworld could have been shot days apart) Also Sam Seaborn aka Rob Lowe, who still looks REAL good. Please feel free to submit other entries. Leslie Mann and Paul Rudd are also among honorable mentions. 

I guess what I'm saying is I don't like to see people age because this is me every morning: 

EVERY. MORNING. 

Corinne calls choreography "planned dancing" and I'm here for it. And then she tells us "I made Corinne great again" 

Look, I can't really say anything about her power naps. They're totally staged, but even if they weren't, I'd be ok with them. Naps are a lifeblood that fuel the dreams of champions. 

I don't care about Danielle and Nick dancing in their one on one time right now. But at least it's better than the a capella "I Want It That Way" from earlier. Oof. 

Corinne telling the girls about her nanny is remarkable television, Props to the producer that prepped her to tell them about it. I'm already stoked to see Corinne at the Women Tell All. Can you imagine? 

Rose went to Danielle. I'm still so disgusted by her intro where she went to the nail salons that she "manages" that I still don't care for her. And let's just be clear that when Nick tells her "I'm intrigued by you" he means a lot of other things that aren't covered by the word "intrigued." 

One on One Date: 

Snakes on a plane... Or something. Vanessa

I'm not a kiss counter, but was their greeting kiss just now their first kiss? Look, I won't tell you that I hate how she said, "I'm calm and confident and comfortable when I'm around Nick," I like that a lot. 

Wait I really love these two. 

Ok but also she 110% did NOT throw up. That bag didn't even inflate. Let's just clear that up right now. 

I'm also impressed with my LA trivial knowledge - I knew based on the entrance to the building that they were going into the US Bank Building. I'm still up to go on the sky slide in that building, if anyone wants to take me on a date. Group Date or One On One, I don't really have a preference. 

I love that Vanessa straight up asked him why he would go through this again. Maybe because there's some level of naivety as she asks it, which is kind of endearing. I am SUCH a fan of Vanessa. NICK IS CRYING RIGHT NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING,Wait, he is very legitimately weeping. What? There is nothing on television like this show. Why is he crying? How is he crying? I love it. 

Group Date: Nickathalon

Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimie, Sarah, Britney, Dominique

Nick was doing laps as the girls entered, he hugged them, and is clearly still out of breath as he explains what they'll be doing. 

Astrid wishes she'd worn more support. I have 0% of an idea what that must be like. 

These athletes are so scripted and it is amazing. 

Next round top three: Rachel, Alexis and Astrid

Astrid grabbed a chunk of the ring and dove into the hot tub with Nick. You go, Glen Coco. Live your best life. 

Meanwhile Dominique:

This is an emergency

Dominique is a runaway train.and there is NO stopping her. Rachel says she's getting too in her head, but I'll tell you right now: Dominique isn't in Dominique's head, the producers are in Dominique's head. Mercy. 

They went to a place called Big Daddy's. But there was no sign of the man himself:

Don't forget the dark socks.

Shark girl laid out the big poster of Nick, for the two of them to lay on. If I were Corinne, I'd definitely be asleep right now.

Dominique is in attack mode. She is so aggressive. She is so painfully aggressive right now, Dominique, stop!! 

This was such an epic crash and burn. I am so overwhelmed. This happened so fast. Nick just called it a break up. Amazing. 

Also, can we just talk about the Fifty Shades Darker trailer? (YES Johnny and I WILL be going to see it on Valentine's Day weekend, I'll let you know how it is) That scene where Ana grabs the check and acts like she just used ninja speed and reflexes? Those movies are as big a wreck as The Bachelor, but without the self-aware producing....  

I don't even know what to say about Corinne's princess bounce house. Is it just me or is she drunk as a skunk again when she's mumbling "Today has been amazing. You are my prince." Mercy. 

Nick is so uncomfortable in this conversation with Vanessa and she's handling it like a BOSS. Ugh, We have to wait for next week for the conclusion to that dramatic conversation, 

Anyone who says this ISN'T the greatest thing on TV can fight me.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

She Didn't Come Here To Be a Bridesmaid...

Maybe Im'ma run this thing like a church service and do some announcements and housekeeping at the top: 

Anyone have any thoughts on the Globes this year? 

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I JUST want someone to say ONE word about me with the power and passion that Viola speaks about Meryl. I will never get over either of their speeches as long as I live. 

Also let's never forget my favorite moment from last year:

Love you, Leo

This episode is near and dear to me because we experience SO much. Think about it: there are still so many girls in the house that the producers have a WEALTH of crazy sound bites from which to choose, and the girls still really have no idea what kind of environment they're in, so they're super insecure and kind of addled, which makes them prone to say and do even weirder stuff. 

Speaking of Emma Stone - anyone else wonder if she and Andrew Garfield ran into each other at the Globes? Ugh. I mourn the loss of their relationship possibly just as much as I mourn the loss of Tony and Blakley's failed engagement after Bachelor Pad 3. Mercy.

Oh and hey, some shameless promotion - if you like Hollywood murders or crazy conspiracy theories, you should watch Discovery ID's "Missing Evidence: Is OJ Innocent?" that starts this Sunday. Some people that are very dear to me worked on it. There's a dude who says that OJ's 24 year old son committed the murders and they made a show about it and Martin Sheen narrates. #Ad #Spon #JKItsTotallyNot #LikeIHaveSponsors #ButSrslyTheGloveDoesntFit

Ok. Moving on. I can't believe I had the audacity to mention "housekeeping" at the top of a post about The Bachelor, but I'm letting it happen...

Poll time: Is Corinne wearing hair extensions? I can usually spot them a mile away, but the jury is still out on her locks, right now. As a beneficiary of what Big Daddy calls "Homeschool Long Hair," I can attest to some long hair. It can be real. But Homeschool Long Hair Girls aren't usually on this show. (And to anyone who takes offense at that term: Big Daddy LOVES homeschoolers. Literally does not stop praising them, all the time. How well spoken they are. How they win all the spelling bees. How they look you in the eye and have great conversational skills - loves them)

The Living Room Peanut Gallery is feeling enthusiastic about Josephine, right now. 

CAROLYN: She's definitely cuter in person.

JOHNNY: Yeah her head shots did her no favors. I'd also like to point out that on ABC.com it says she's an "Unemployed Nurse," but her lower third here says "Registered Nurse." What a mystery. 

Wedding Date: (literally)

Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Haley, Lacey, Britney, Jasmine, Raven, Nail Salon Danielle, Taylor, and Elizabeth

JOHNNY: (as the girls drive up to a swanky estate) Where are they? We live so close to here, but my life looks so different from this.

LACEY: Nick could wear a potato sack and he'd look great.

JOHNNY: Send her home. SEND HER HOME. 

LRPG is loving the photographer, Phranco (there's no way he spells his name with an F) Johnny wants to know if he is wearing a romper. Jury's still out on that one. 

Alexis hasn't heard of a shotgun wedding. I would wager that there's a lot of things of which she has not heard. I'm still so annoyed that no one bothered to point out that she was wearing the Katy Perry Left Shark costume, last week. 

Shoutout to the lavender bridesmaid dress. All I wanted for the sixth grade cotillion ball was a lavender dress. I found one and fell in love with it. It was so expensive ($100) and my mom said we could only get it if I paid for half. So I quickly forked over $50 of my hard earned sixth grade money:

I was radiant in those ringlets.

No idea why Davey posed with me like that. Big Daddy probably told him to. And yes, it WAS at this cotillion ball where Jake Peterson STOPPED dancing with me, mid-Box Step and told me he was going to find someone else to dance with EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T A DANCE WHERE YOU COULD CUT IN ON PEOPLE. 

But like, JK Jake Peterson, are you still single? Call me.

Corinne and Alexis are getting SOREEEEE drunk right now and Lacey is on the FAST TRACK to a breakdown. I'm TELLING YOU this is the greatest episode of the season. 

LRPG was convinced that Corinne is having a Kabbalah wedding, based on her red bracelet, but oh... it's a beach wedding. 

Do we even bother dignifying Corinne's jaunt in the pool with characters on this page? What can possibly be said? She knows she's great TV and she will be on Bachelor In Paradise this summer. And will probably accept a rose from Mad Chad. (the one who eats sweet potatoes raw)  

Update: Ok Corinne definitely has lash extensions, but jury is still out on her hair.

LRPG is really liking Raven, at this point. Mostly because she seems to be one of the only sober ones. Speaking of: someone PLEASE give Corinne some water and some crackers, ASAP. She's gonna turn into that girl that was crying in the bathroom stall in the second episode of Juan Pablo's season (I TOLD you the second episode is a good one). 

At this point I was conferring about Corinne's hair with Officer In Charge of All Things Beauty: my friend Kimberly. She's one of the most beautiful people I know, so she obviously had answers. She pointed out "it's hard to grow hair that long with hair that processed." 

Case closed. 

It is now 9 am the next morning and Corinne has been served champagne because... Bachelor. She tells Lacey, "He's just so great. When I talked to him, he was like, listening" 

BAE. SICK. 

And you know that Corinne is catnip to these producers because she will a) get as drunk as they tell her to so she will b) get talked into saying anything, which is how they got her to "confront" Taylor, or whatever you want to call it when a drunk girl tries to call out a sober girl. 

What a time to be alive. 

Let's Take Off (or something) 

One on One: Nashville Danielle

I am so bored by these two. Special shoutout to Ashley Bizzell, who pointed out that Nashville Danielle was in Cole Swindell's "Middle of a Memory" music video. Maybe she'll be in another one where they rap about the right reasons...

Nick is the least overwhelmed on this date as he's been all season, which is nice. I'm trying to decide if I've ever liked someone as The Bachelor as much as I liked them as a contestant. It's like they suffer from overexposure, once they're the Bachelor, and they become kind of grating and unbearable. I still maintain that Nick was the most interesting contestant on Andi and Kaitlyn's seasons, but I'm bored to TEARS by him, this (fourth) time around...

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:

Honestly in this conversation between the girls on the couch, I only have one question: I also why Christen's hair is SUCH a mess? It's not like it's super curly, why can't she seem to get it under control? What is the deal? 

Loving the deflated flamingo motif throughout Liz's whole confession, though. The Bachelor PA really came through for us, on that one. 

Nashville Danielle asks Nick what's in store for tonight. He says "more surprises."
....Because he VERY obviously has no idea what the producers have planned."

Ok ok ok... Nashville Danielle's story is a bit rough. That's sad. But... 

...how did she not know her affianced was an addict? (Was anyone else wondering this?)

Oh, HONESTLY. No ferris wheel will EVER be season 1 of The OC and it DEFINITELY won't be The Notebook, so let's move along...

Final verdict on Nashville Danielle: she doesn't wear a lot of makeup and I am SO into that. (Yes, Big Daddy says my lack of makeup completes my homeschool long hair, giggles furiously, then goes onto discuss all the marvelous qualities in homeschool children, of which I apparently have NONE)  

Group Date: We Need to Talk:

Christen, josephine, Astrid, Jaimie, Christina, Liz

Josephine is perhaps the Olivia of this season. Remember Olivia?

Never forget when she jumped out of that cake

Here's another great thing about this show: Josephine clearly stands out to Nick right now Remember how he said "Oh I'm expecting something from you," before the breakup performance? It's because she's obviously established herself as the loud mouth in the group. So she stands out. So Nick says things like the aforementioned to her. Which make her feel special. And the more special she feels earlier on, the more likely she is to go into a downward spiral as she learns that she is, just like the rest of the girls, not too special at all, and we are left with her standing on a beach, watching Ben and one of the twins sail away from the Two-on-One date... 

Everybody loves a good two-on-one

At this point, Johnny says, "Grace, at the commercial break, remind me to tell you of my business idea for you...." 

I feel like The Museum of Broken Relationships is going to get an INFLUX of relics, after this episode. 

The LRPG agreed: This is Los Angeles.... Those were the people they found to be the actors in this museum right now? What is happening ? PLEASE STOP THE ACTING. 

Nick: Well if we have to stage a breakup, I'm excited to see you guys fired up...

JOHNNY: Let's see who has some demons!!

Commercial break, Johnny says, "So you know how they do Sex and the City tour? YOU NEED TO DO A BACHELOR TOUR. There are so many obscure places in this city and you know them all and you know that people would be into it. Once a month, you could rent a van, get a megaphone...."

I'm definitely considering it. Mark Norman, would you take the tour? First stop: that hot tub gallery in Ventura where Ben and Caila went with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. 

Liz is so overwhelming on this episode and I am HERE FOR IT. She hasn't said one SINGLE thing except that she met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. She has said it so many times that I'm beginning to suspect that she might actually be a robot. I was so convinced that her breakup speech was an actual breakup and she was going to leave the show. Who told her to prepare a speech? Who told her to read from a notebook? Who said ANY of this was appropriate? I love it all. 

Also quick memo about Josephine's breakup spiel: she started with "there are bottles all over the place!" and she could have VERY quickly turned it around with "You love ketchup more than you love me! Look at all these ketchup bottles!" 

...but that's just me. 

Bryan came in and sat down: "Johnny, you smell like wine."

JOHNNY: I've had no wine. Just the rest of your Diet 7Up. 

BRYAN: You ruthless beast. I'm gonna start calling you RJ. Ruthless Johnny.

NICK: I'm still worried about Liz.

Nick and Liz's conversation was priceless. It basically went something like this:

NICK: I think you might be here for fame.
LIZ: We met at Jade and Tanner's wedding and we hooked up.
NICK: Yeah, I know, and I really think you just want to be on TV. Why didn't you try to get in touch with me?
LIZ: Well... why didn't you try to get in touch with ME?
NICK: You didn't want me to have your number cause you said you were a hott mess.
LIZ: No, I said I was wearing a "hott DRESS," but also hello: maybe I don't like talking on the phone. Especially to people I already know.

Some of that is hyperbolic, but not much.

Johnny pointed out that Liz's departure onto Hollywood Boulevard will be an exodus into a sea of homeless people, a drum circle, and a guy handing out his mixtape. Oh, and this is Johnny's impression of Liz and her collagen injections:

Also not much hyperbole, here. 

Ugh, at this point, with Josephine, Jaimie and Corrine on her team, Carolyn is going to take a CLEAN SWEEP of this season. Johnny and I are both ready to throw in the towel. 

The only thing I have to say about the end of the episode is: I would have eaten ALL of the pieces of sushi that were on the table with that rose. 

Next week should be just as rich. Can't wait. 

Until then, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

From Bad Boy to Bachelor

Obviously let's start with some crucial updates:

I didn't get engaged over the holidays. 

Just in case anyone was wondering.

What I DID do was pretty much hibernate at my parents' house for two weeks and loved every second of it. They kept saying things like, "Do you think you'll take a shower tonight?" or "Do you want me to wash those jeans for you? You've slept in them for three nights now" or "Are you sure you meant to eat that many cookies?"

And I was like:

But actually. 

So here’s the thing about the premiere: we see some of the crazy (ie: the shark costume, Corinne and her full time nanny) but we don’t get the real crazy yet, so the premiere is kind of a snooze. In the second and third episodes, you start to hear the girls say the most out-of-left-field stuff about each other, probably because the first few dates are when they’re the most insecure. (Especially since there are like, fifty of them crammed on those massive group dates. Those things really bring the crazy out. See: Onion Ashley and Mesa Verde, or Lace pulling Ben aside to say "I'm not crazy" sixty five THOUSAND times on date 2) So episodes two and three, and the episode before the hometown dates are probably my faves, cause there’s usually a big blow-up in the episode before hometowns. (See: Tiera's uncontrollable eyebrows, Clair and Nikki's fight over a hotel room, etc)


In the meantime, here are some thoughts:


- According to Hare, this is going to be an “Unprecedented Season.” Look, I’m not mad - I love to promote literacy and vocabulary, but seriously what does that even mean in the context of this season?


CAROLYN: I feel like Nick's bod was better on Paradise. (Looking at the menu) Johnny, they don’t have pot stickers at this place, does Grace like dumplings?
JOHNNY: Tweet about his bod. Get the fried dumplings. She likes those. Maybe we don’t have to talk about her like she’s a child and not sitting right there – Grace, we’re getting you fried dumplings.
GRACE: No no, you know I need you to treat me like a seven year old when it comes to ordering exotic food. Keep it up.

Maybe Wok on Fire isn't exactly exotic, but who's to say? 

This montage of Nick doing all this "imperfect" stuff is:

I guess they didn’t want the budgeted archival producer to go to waste, so they had her pull Every. Single. Time, Nick has ever rolled his eyes. And she had three seasons from which to choose... 

- Honestly I'm excited that Nick’s family gets a second, wait, FOURTH chance to watch him find love, because we all watched them sit through the finale of Kaitlyn's season and it was PAIN. FULL.

- Nick’s sister Bella is “wise beyond her years...” She tells him to pick up his date in a sweet ride. I think we're done here. 

- Ugh Sean Lowe. What a delight. Never forget Sean's Giant Snow Bus.

Other important announcement about Sean: his Dad Lyfe tweets are EVERYTHING. 

JOHNNY: I feel like this Previous Bachelor Advice thing is really going to go down the drain once Sean isn’t there. Cause these other guys are garbage.

BRYAN: Who did the Farmer end up with?

GRACE: A girl named Whitney. She’s engaged to another man now.
BRYAN: Then why does he get to be here?
GRACE: Exactly. 

- Remember in Runaway Bride when that kid Dennis is doing laps and he says "Maggie, don't marry Coach, marry me!" and Julia Roberts says "You're jail bait, Dennis." THAT'S how I feel about Ben Higgens. Don't marry Lauren B. Marry me! I'll be jail bait. It's fine.

- By this time, we had divided up the girls onto our fantasy teams. Johnny claimed that he was going to win. Raven was the only one I truly cared about because she looked so much like Courtney Roberts, so I was stoked to have her on my team. But with three words out of her mouth, I was convinced that there’s no way she could be the villain.
  

INTROS:

- First intro was Rachel: I want Rachel to be my best friend. Her acting skills are pretty poor, definitely giving us shades of Andi while she tries to show off her job, (and I’m not saying she doesn’t have a real job, she just very clearly has a job where they can get ZERO appearance releases signed, so they had a producer sit in front of her like a client while Rachel asked her “and what time of day was this?”) but Rachel is waaaaay to qualified and too much of a human to be on this show.

But pls don't run away 'til you get me some points... 

- Nail Salon Danielle: this is how I feel about Danielle:

Amirite

Vanessa: I’m undecided about Vanessa. Either she’s going home tonight, or she’s the Kelsey Poe of this season. (Remember the crazy one from Farmer Chris’s season, whose husband died and who regaled us with “isn’t my story AMAZING?”)

Josephine: Welp, she looks way better than her bio picture. And she shares a name with an American Girl Doll. She was picked last for Carolyn’s team. Sorry, Josie.

Raven: Ok, does Raven work at this store and they just tried to make it look like she manages it? Or does she even work there? I’m so disappointed in her. I had such high hopes that she’d be the villain.

Corinne: Corinne is Elle Woods sending an admission video to Harvard. Corinne does NOT type actual words on that keyboard. And Corinne definitely does NOT manage a multi-million dollar company: her dad does. And you KNOW they had a production assistant chop up that cucumber. They probably picked up that nanny on the way to set, that morning.

Alexis: Alexis wears sumo wrestling costumes to CVS. So does every person in Venice Beach. Johnny loves Alexis because she's super Jersey. 

Nashville Danielle: Hey y'all! She takes care of infants that need a little extra help. And the infant we're seeing right now needs a LOT of extra help. Danielle has clearly never meandered around on the Nashville pedestrian bridge in front of a camera crew before, and she looks super awkward. Stick with babies, Danielle. 

Taylor: TAYLOR IS ON MY FANTASY TEAM AND SHE'S ALREADY EARNING ME SO MANY POINTS. But she’s got a master’s which never gets you too far on this show. Here’s to point earning in the meantime.

Elizabeth: Alright, I’ll admit it: I knew this girl hooked up with Nick, which is why I put her on my team. I feel great about it. I doubt she’ll last long, but she should earn me some solid points in the meantime. Also I’m pretty sure she got botox on the morning of the premiere, because she had a solid bruise above her eyebrow for the whole night. Live your best life, Liz. Just don’t do it on the morning of the premiere.

Johnny is feeling pretty down because none of the intro girls are on his team. I'm feeling strangely hopeful.

I don’t know what made me think of this, but remember Crazy Olivia from Ben’s season? Listen, maybe she'll have a career you guys. Just look at the Weatherman from Ali's season. Does anyone remember him? Because there is a HUGE poster of him right by LAX now, he is a legitimate weatherman. 

MOVING ON:

Limo Exits:

Danielle L: Did I mention that I’m am bored to tears by this chick?

Elizabeth: Don't care

Rachel: YES, RACHEL IS MY GIRL

Christen: Christen is already a few drinks in. I'm here for it.

Taylor: I think Taylor might go far... Ohhhh until she poorly delivered that line about "all my friends HATED you!" Ugh. I take it all back.

Kristina: Boring.

Angela: I think Angela is one of the prettiest girls on the season. No one agrees with me.

Lauren: Viall hussy. I cannot. I DO NOT.

Michelle: Cute dress

Dominique: I'm bored.

Ida Marie: Trust fall. Don't care.

Olivia: Eskimo kisses, DON'T

Sarah: Runner up. Don't care

Jasmine G: Jasmine brought... Neil Lane. Clearly this girl is SO dull that the producers let her bring Neil Lane for her intro.

Hailey: Underwear joke. Don't care.

Astrid: Speaking in German. Don't care.

Liz: seriously ANY time but this morning would've been great for botox. 

JOHNNY: I like this Requiem for a Dream music while he figures out whether or not he knows her...

Corinne: Corinne is really pretty. And she has a full time nanny. And she's on Carolyn's team which, by the looks of it, might just win Carolyn this whole darn season.

Vanessa: Great dress

Danielle M: Ohhhhhh her hands were shaking. CLEARLY the producers were like, "He likes girls that are sexy! Put your fingers in his mouth!"

Raven: Pig call. Ugh. I'm still so bummed that she doesn't look like more of a villain.

Jaimi: She has balls. I can't

Briana: DON'T LISTEN TO HIS HEART, STOP, PLEASE DON'T.

Susannah: Beard massage. Oh no.

Josephine: Someone talked her into straightening her hair. Carolyn is super excited about the "wiener in my book" cause she thinks it will get her lots of points. I'm really stressed out that it's 2017 and she looks like she used a hair straightener from 1996.

Britany: Is she a... proctologist?

But really. Please do. 

Jasmine: Another red dress. This Jasmine is also on my team. I'm all in on the Jasmines and Carolyn is all in on the Danielles.

Whitney: another red dress

Lacey: Cause Nick loves a good hump.

Alexis: Shark costume. So drunk. Here's the only time we're going to spend on the costume: it's the left shark costume from Katy Perry's halftime show. It is OBVIOUSLY a shark costume. Boom, done.


Quick observation: SOME OF THESE GIRLS ARE OVER TEN YEARS NICK'S JUNIOR.

Ohhhh I feel a rant about Liz coming on... (Honestly, it's either Liz or the Dakota Access Pipeline, these days) Is it just me, or is Liz kind of the problem with the modern woman? THERE I SAID IT. You think it's mysterious that he doesn't remember you after you slept with him the first night you met him? I am slain. This is too much. You can yap all you want about the liberated modern woman, but I WILL not buy it. I don't know a) why she wouldn't give him her number or b) why she bothered to wait till now (I mean, I know, and you know, but I can't actually answer for her) but there are so many problems up in here. Have some more self-respect, girl. I seriously would have liked her more if she said "Yeah I came here cause you're the Bachelor and I had a chance to get some more Instagram followers and peddle Flat Tummy Tea!" But at the rate she's going and the song she's singing, I am NOT into it.

The entire Living Room Peanut Gallery is rooting for Rachel. I still can't decide what I think about Vanessa, but I sure like her dress. Aaaaaand Corinne laid one on him. You go, Glen Coco. But spoiler alert: the girl who lays one on him on the first night is NEVER the final girl.

Roses went to:
Vanessa
Danielle M
Christen
Astrid
Corinne
Elizabeth W
Jasmine G
Raven
Kristina
Danielle L.
Sarah
Josephine
Lacy
Taylor
Alexis
Hailey
Whitney
Dominique
Jaimie
Brittany
Liz

It's gonna be an unPRESIDENTed season. (Not my words).

.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...