YOU'VE ONLY BEEN ON TWO DATES WITH HIM AND YOU'RE MY SISTER.

Ohhhhhh hometowns. What a great week for BachelorNation. Im’ma go back to an old format because I have SO many things to say…

Hometown: Orange County, CA (Amanda)


Observations:

- Let’s call it like it is: Ben is WASTED during this opening monologue, right now.

POUR ME ANOTHER

- Amanda could have worn ANY shirt… and she chose this one. This strapless-but-not-strapless, off-the-shoulders-but-not-really little black number, and I’m so overwhelmed by what a bad choice this was. The running and hugging while she's wearing it, the holding her kids, the hanger straps, WHATTA MESS.

- Amanda waiting to see her kids for the first time AND introduce them to Ben at the same time is the WORST idea that’s ever happened. No wonder Little Charlie was a Meltdown Machine. Also quick reminder that no introduction to kids that tops when DeAnna meeting Jason’s son Ty. (Elisa Goodrich, can I get an amen?)

- Ben has apparently never seen a child in his life. He offered the two year Charlie a handshake. Keep it up, Dad Lyfe.

- I’m not doubting that Ben is a geat guy and great with kids. But anyone - ANYONE can pretend to be nice to kids on the beach for two hours. WHY DID AMANDA CHOOSE TO WEAR THAT SHIRT I’M SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT IT lack of punctuation intentional.

- I love that Amanda’s dad thinks Ben is "young"… BEN IS OLDER THAN AMANDA.

Seriously get me a grave plot. 

- Of course the two of them putting Charlie down for a nap is going to be a DISASTER. I'm sure Amanda is a great mom, but she is exhibiting NO authority over these girls and it's stressing me out...

- THE LIGHTS ARE SO HARSH AT AMANDA’S HOUSE. If we can see their shadows, you're doing something wrong, Bachelor Gaffer....

- I can't believe this didn't occur to me until this episode. I've been watching this show for years - all the years - and I didn't think of it 'til now: I bet they rent houses for half these people. I feel like JoJo's house was a rental (the one where the producer boyfriend left the roses and the one where her family was) because did anyone else notice how not personalized these homes are? Like, the random beds that they all go sit on to talk? HOW HAVE I NOT CONSIDERED THIS UNTIL NOW?! I bet they rent houses cause they need space for all the lighting and equipment... My brain is doing one of those flip-book flash-backs, circa How to Get Away With Murder right now, as I consider all the blandly decorated homes we've ever seen on this show...

- We all know Ben isn’t going to end up with Amanda. He has got to feel like a DOG right now, trying to peddle himself as a potential father to her family…

Memorable Quotes:

- Amanda asks her mom what she thinks about Ben… her response is “he’s sweet.”

This is how I feel about that.

- Amanda’s Dad “If she’s happy, I’m happy.” Let me tell you who DOESN’T have that philosophy. Actually I don’t have to tell you: you already know.

Hint: it's this guy. 

- Amanda: “It is hard because my feelings have grown so much today and I’d be heartbroken if I were sent home…”

Can I just take a second to remark that with guys, I sometimes have that notion: “ok Grace, your feelings have grown a lot today, things are going so well, this is kind of crazy.” But then I remind myself: :Grace, shut up. You need to sit down, calm down and SLOW DOWN.”

Works every time. 

Hometown: Portland, Oregon (Lauren B)

Memorable quotes: 

- Ben: “When I saw her for the first time, the world stopped.” I’m SORRY to keep making comparisons, but you know who WOULDN’T be impressed by that line? You guessed it.

"Tell me about your retirement plans, son."

Observations:

LAUREN B: We are in Portland, Oregon.
GRACE: And your bra is out, gf.

- The most I’ve liked Lauren B is when she discusses her love of butter – SHOUT OUT TO KIMBERLY IRION, GIRL, I SEE YOU.

Questions I have:

- Quick side note: is Christy Carlson Romano doing abbreva commercials now?

- Why is this the longest that Lauren's family has gone without seeing her? I thought she lived in MdR? Oh, sorry, that's what we call Marina del Rey. V trendy, over here. 

*Fact: "Of Kings and Prophets" is ABC trying to have a "Game of Thrones." Keep it up, ABC. Keep it up. 

Hometown: Somewhere, Ohio (Caila)

Observations:

- High school shaped Caila into the woman that she is today. Because she’s had no other experiences in life since she’s 24. 

- I need to admit… even though aside from group projects, I wouldn’t really seek Caila out and force her to be my friend (like I did with most people, see: Carolyn Murdock) I can’t help but smile at this home building date. Although I still don’t understand why Caila moved so much as a kid if her dad wasn’t in the army? 

 - Caila’s mom is THIRTY.

Why didn't my dad marry a Filipino woman? 

- Caila’s dad REALLY stresses me out... buuuut he asks good questions. 

- SHE HAD TO GET HER MOTHER TO TELL HER THAT BEN WAS IN LOVE WITH HER?!?! I AM SO STRESSED OUT BY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE QUINN FAMILY. Caila has for SURE fallen the hardest and the fastest, of these four girls. (Yes, "girls.") She full on, Olivia-grade thinks that Ben is her HUSBAND. 

For those of you who just joined us, this is Genie doing his
"MAAAAYDAYYY" in Aladdin. 

Questions I Have:

- Why has Caila seen a lot of couples on this bench on campus? At this high school? OH. Wait. I totally just figured it out. It’s because it was a co-ed school. DANGIT.

- Why is Caila’s brother sitting at the head of the table?

- WHY DOES SHE CALL HER MOM “MOMMY” Lack of question mark indicative of anxiety about it.

Memorable Quotes:
- Caila’s Dad: “The fact that Caila was emotional all night long means that it is real.”

- Hopefully this is the last thing I say about my Dad, but it would very legitimately go something like this: “Grace has been emotional all night. Which means she must be really tired. Or hungry.”

*Sidenote: Let’s be real about it: "The Catch" doesn’t look good. And the lead, Mirielle Enos, is giving me Poor Man’s Connie Britton…

Hometown: Dallas, Texas (JoJo) 

Observations:

- JoJo’s ex has learned what love is and has completely matured in 39 days. 

I'LL BET. 

- JoJo's family is the winningest, so far. Her mother is a lot. But I love her brothers. And how much they love her, AND BEN PATTON'S RETURN TO TELEVISION IS SO GREAT. (Call me!) 

- Did anyone else have the same thought that I did, when JoJo's brother Matt greeted her? Am I alone? 

- Nothing that Ben (H) is saying to the brothers is making any sense. Granted, he's probably scared spitless right now, but he still has NO real words coming out of his mouth

- I don't know whether or not to applaud the mustache on JoJo's dad, or  be appalled by it. Be Appreciative or Appalled. Can't decide. 

Memorable Quotes:

- "You've got him up on a pedestal and he's all these great things... YOU ARE THOSE THINGS, TOO, JOELLE." This is how I feel about Ben Patton:

Also just a really quick shout out to my own brother (who, very truly, would say the same things). He very recently started watching this show and reading this blog, so now is obviously a GREAT time to dig up a classic photo:

Sorry not sorry.

Memorable quotes: 

- JoJo's mom: "You're not going to get hurt, you are beautiful!" 

Let's also see something else from JoJo's mom:

HEY TINA VARGAS, I SEE YOU, GIRL

Questions I have:

- Where was JoJo during this kitchen interrogation? Seriously where was she? How did they get her out of the (fake) family kitchen long enough to grill him? 

Rose ceremony: 

"It seems silly to say 'I want a rose this week,' cause it's so much more than that..." JUST might be the most profound thing that Lauren B has said.

EACH OF THE GIRLS HAVE HAD THEIR ROOTS DONE AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. 

Amanda's exit was graceful... And as much as I love tears, I can certainly applaud a graceful exit from the show... 

Fantasy Suite Dates next week! Can I get a shout out for the time that  Jesse Csincsak told DeAnna Pappas that he'd have to ask her Dad if he could take her to the fantasy suite? Anyone? Bueller?

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...