Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Fireworks in His Eyes, in My Heart, And in the Sky...

Thoughts on the opening:

BEN: I think Jamaica could be a great place to fall in love.
JOHNNY: And it smells like weed. I am so stoned right now.
BEN: We will be doing really romantic things.
CAROLYN: Like having sex. That’s romantic. We will be doing that. 
JOHNNY: Are those floating pillows in that mini pool in this shot?
GRACE: I was thinking floating tea bags…

This post is dedicated to Mary Grace Toler. Mary Grace and I go way back, all the way to out here in California on a week long retreat with our Dads... There was hiking, ropes courses, and obviously... Friendship. Mary Grace has been a fan for quite a long time and we all know that there are fewer ways to my heart than, well, being a fan. (And yes: "fan of Grace" amd "fan of the show" are interchangable here, and pretty much always in my life...) THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, MG.

First Overnight: Caila

Something has GOT Caila’s goat. She is speaking ZERO words on this date. Ben remarks upon her mood at dinner. She acts like he is Indiana Jones and his observation of her mood is a discovery of the lost arc "It's soooo crazy that you picked up on my mood..." Yada yada, she tells him she’s in love with him, and her telling of it is like it’s a book report for which she wasn’t prepared, and then they suck face. There is no other phrase for what they did. I saw so much tongue. Whew, we're only two paragraphs in and I've said "sex" and "tongue" already. Oy.

JOHNNY: She is gonna BANG him tonight.
CAROLYN: I bet she’s a freak in the sheets.
JOHNNY: Totally. But are we fetishizing Asian women by saying that? *whispers* YES.

Let’s talk some logistics: we know that he professes his love to TWO women… in the preview where we saw that, it was definitely night time when he said it… NIGHT TIME HAS PASSED AND HE HASN’T SAID IT TO CAILA.
Down in flames... 

Overnight Date: Lauren B

It is very, VERY obvious that Lauren B can NOT walk in those shorts. Not to mention the fact that she planned that shirt with the thought that she’d be standing for the date, not sitting on a boat. I'm JUST saying...

Two thoughts about this date:
Take what ye can. Give nothin' back. 

2) The only important thing about sea turtles is a WONDERFUL Nicholas Sparks film, written for Miley Cyrus, also featuring a wonderful performance from Greg Kinnear, “The Last Song.” What a classic. “You read Tolstoy and take up arms to defend innocent sea turtles. This ice cube act's not working..." (no but Liam Hemsworth is a DREAMBOAT in that movie and I'm super ok with it)

Come on. You're not mad at this, K. Bocksel
After (maybe) saving some baby sea turtles, the two sit on the beach and Ben whines that Lauren is out of his league. I don’t know how I feel about that. I think you should always feel like you got the deal in a relationship, but there’s something self-deprecating about Ben’s tone that doesn’t seem to bode well… 

Quick note: I've always been of the school of thought that the Bachelor isn't actually prohibited from saying "I love you," it's just heavily discouraged. Because it's never really been addressed in a way that makes me convinced that it's formally disallowed. Right?

Also... There's no WAY I could make it all the way through the day and wait 'til night time without saying it, like Lauren B did. Granted, I would probably be so overwhelmed that I'd shout "I love you!" then do something spastic like chucking a baby sea turtle in the ocean, but still. I couldn't wait till the end of the day. Absolutely not. When I was in elementary school, we had this babysitter named Ann who was (and let's be real: still is) my idol. She told us that when her Dad proposed to her mom, he was going to take her to some beautiful park and do it there, but he was too excited and he did it at a rest stop on the way. You'd think that 9 year old Grace would be horrified that Mr. Jennings couldn't wait till the park overlook, but I've always been super ok with that story. If you have good news, get it OUT there. (I suppose this is the equivalent of people swooning over the When Harry Met Sally quote about wanting the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, blah blah... Basically: propose to me at a rest stop, Future Mr. Grace Douglas. I don't want no viral video proposal...)

Let’s talk about this… Lauren prefaces her love confession with “I guess there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

What the actual-
Welp... Then Ben did himself ZERO favors by saying it back to her. We are officially in unchartered waters, people. Ben closed the door, they probs played Scrabble and went to bedsies. Totes adorbs.

Ohhhhh I did NOT need to see Lauren’s clothes on the floor, post fantasy suite night. I 100% did not need to SEE that.

Overnight Date: Jojo

Well... we know that JoJo has read 'The Five Love Languages," as she tells the camera that her love language is words of affirmation. In an UN-shocking turn of events, she tells Ben she loves him. HE TELLS HER THE SAME THING. 

JOHNNY: He should just pick JoJo, and if it doesn't work out, he can blame it on the brothers. 

Y'all. Is he going to pick JoJo? I've been thinking Lauren B this whole time but like... what is going on right now? 

CAROLYN: I really hope this is a Sandals resort.
GRACE: They're all at a Sandals Resort. 
JOHNNY: Really?
GRACE: Yeah. Haven't you seen all the signs?
JOHNNY: Sandals is where Michael and Jan went on The Office. He took a topless picture of her. This is so great. There were billboards for Sandals all over the Jersey turnpike. 

This part with Caila is so painful I can't even stand it. She knows. As soon as they sit down, she knows. (She later confirmed that even as early as him hugging her, she knew.) 

I was threatening to pull my hair out during that entire exchange. Shout out to when Sean Lowe said goodbye to Lindsay Yenter on the finale and she said. "Well I'm gonna go... Cause this is my nightmare..." I FEEL YA, YENTER. 

I'm glad she jumped out of the car and asked him  (in so many words) if he'd known when he took her to the fantasy suite... 

CAILA: I feel like my purpose in life is to love other people, and I don't know why I haven't found that yet."

Oh man, Women Tell All next week. One of my most favorite weeks. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Closing thought: it's been almost twenty four hours. I can't stop thinking about Caila crying in the car and saying, "And I could tell. I wanted to jump into his arms but I knew something was up..."

My birthday is coming up on the 10th. That's next Thursday. You're welcome.

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