Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Like My Tattoo Says....

Guys. I still stand by the fact that “Like my tattoo says, ‘You can’t love someone unless you love yourself,’" is one of the GREATEST things that’s ever been said on this show.

Miscellaneous observation: during the previews of the show tonight, it looks like they’re gearing up to tell us that Ben came out of the closet…

Lezzbe real about it: This post is dedicated to Grace C. Douglas. Is a self-dedication as gratuitous as a nude selfie, circa Kim Kardashian's Instagram? Sure. BUT BETTE MIDLER CAN THROW SHADE AT ME ALL DAY CAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THURSDAY AND I DO WHAT I WANT. (But please, Bette, feel free to throw shade. I'd love any and all attention from you.) If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner eating ALL the cookies.
Current mood: ready to find love (and cookies)

Bachelor Nation field trip: The baby with “#HOMETOWNS” onesie is EVERYTHING. The producers are patting themselves on the back for coming up with the line about “bachelor across the generations…” that Ben was able to throw in there, about the baby...

As the show started, Tina (honorary member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery and girlfriend to  esteemed LRPG member Bryan) was going to go home and do laundry. I turned the volume up and sat back on the couch, “Just stay and watch him introduce the ladies, Tina. You know you want to see who's had their roots touched up...” Bryan rolled his eyes, “Grace, you are the WORST influence. You are terrible.” I replied, “Oh come on, Bry. You know this is my only vice. I’m not the one to say 'Come on, Tina, do one more shot. Stay out for one more song…' No, I just influence people to stay for the show. I ONLY CARE ABOUT THE SHOW."

....Tina and Bryan stayed for a while.

So tonight we have: Lace, Tiara, Amber, Jami, Izzy, Rachel, Jubilee, Jennifer, Shushanna, Lauren H, Olivia, Leah, Becca, Haley, Emily, Amanda, and Caila. What we DON'T have is Mandi, that girl that wore the giant rose headband on the first night. What's that about? And what about that girl, LB? I think I liked her. But she was on Johnny's fantasy team, Maybe it's better that she isn't there...

Random thoughts:

- I’M SO EXCITED TO SEE LEAH FACE THE WOMEN FOR WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT LAUREN B. Update: it wasn't nearly what I dreamed that it would be. Even Ben didn't give her too much flack about it. What a let down.

- Olivia’s eye lashes need some WORK. Is it that they need heavier eyeliner over the adhesive? More mascara? Allison Norris, please weigh in, here. Thank you.

- Shout out to Dad Lyfe Himself, Chris Harrison, casually manning the fort with that chicken running around: “Lace, you got Sheila?”

I think part of the reason that I love this episode so much is because the women are perhaps more desperate in this studio than they are in the premiere. It's like they've all told themselves "I have to look so good that he'll lament what he can't have now..." Which basically equated to... CLEAVAGE. You guys. There was SO much cleavage last night! Good GRIEF, Charlie Brown, put the girls AWAY! Im'ma be real candid, here: I wouldn't know anything about it. I realized pretty early on that my chest wasn't going to get me attention, so I better learn to be the funniest girl in the room if I wanted attention. But you know who never had to learn that? EVERY GIRL ON THAT STAGE LAST NIGHT. Special shout outs to Jami and Hailey and Jami. And Jami. Hey, it's only fair: Jami CLEARLY never learned to be the funniest girl in the room, soooooo....

Loving the race conversation that’s happening right now. It’s so tense yet so very meaningless. We haven’t seen anything this tense and meaningless since Marquel and JJ on Dorfman’s season. You know the producers love it cause it means drama, but they're all super WASPy themselves, so they don't even really know how to incite a racially charged conversation, which means there's just random accusations flying. The producers have so much more control over other tense moments because they can set them up and draw them out of people how they want to, but the race discussion is always more of a crapshoot and it makes very little sense and I LOVE it.

Harrison brings Jubilee down to the hot seat for her audition as The Bachelorette. She tries to differentiate herself by saying that Ben’s brand is “unlovable.” Hers is “hard to love.” Right now the only thing about her that is hard to love is those eyelashes that she's struggling with, but who's to say? She'd be a whopping mess of a Bachelorette and would prove much more entertaining than Baby Caila, but my only problem with her is that she seems to spend so much time whining about how "complicated" and "layered" she is. You guys know my beef with people who over-peddle their own "flaws"....

Harrison tells Jubes: “One thing I hope you realize is that a guy as terrific as Ben saw you and got you. I hope you realize that you are that person.” THANK YOU FOR THE DAD WISDOM, HARE.

Ok this guy that has Lace’s face as his tattoo… I don’t even know what to say. BUT I'M SO UNBELIEVABLY STOKED THAT LACE WILL BE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

What I have to say about Olivia is that... her jumpsuit was a nice choice. The women on this show seem to choose dresses for the Women Tell All that are great for standing, but not for sitting. Big Liv chose something that is great for sitting and I COMMEND her for that.

This girl Izzy, who is talking about bullying to Olivia… WHO IS SHE. Lack of question mark intentional.

CAROLYN: I hate how the “Teen Mom” comment was an insult. Do you know how much those women have overcome? I’ve been with these women for seven years. They had babies that are actual humans now. And MAN, are they going to be messed up...

Caila’s jumpsuit and earrings. Also a good choice. OH GEEZ NOW HARE IS ASKING HER HOW SHE THOUGHT THAT REJECTION DAY WAS GOING TO GO. He is pulling out the DAGGERS tonight! Strictly in terms of auditions, I couldn't make a call between Jubilee and Caila for the next Bachelorette. Although... can we just acknowledge that Caila's face looked fuller? MORE POWER TO HER, I'M NOT JUDGING, I'M JUST REMARKING. (I know, I know: Lena Dunham isn't letting anyone photoshop her anymore and I'm over here calling ladies 'fat,' Happy Women's Day.) 

Ok true life: I have heard NOTHING of Ben and Jubilee's squabbling, because I was too busy looking for this clip: start watching at 3:30, when Kaitlyn says hi to Ben at the Men Tell All: (just watch his salutation. It's all you need to see.)

One final note: who are we kidding: Ben could tell Emily and Hailey apart because the women were seated in ascending order! DON'T TRY AND PULL A FAST ONE ON AMERICA, HARRISON!

Whew, I'm exhausted. So much ranting. I love it all.

Ugh, I'm in a glass case of emotion about next week. I think he's going to pick Lauren B, but I'm still standing by JoJo being a better choice (once more: WE CANNOT IGNORE how he says "I'm most myself with JoJo."  WE CANNOT IGNORE'T!!)

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

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