Well She's Got The Bidet Going For Her...

I mean, honestly, I really didn’t take too many notes, this evening. I was so wrapped up in the drama. You GUYS, this was such a good episode. Good for television, and good for my fantasy team, if I’m gonna be totally honest.

OLIVIA IS GOING TO CRASH AND BURN SO HARD, BUT I NEED HER TO EARN ME MORE POINTS THIS SEASON. 

God bless this show, and God bless these United States of America...

She is so obviously spiraling out of control so quickly. The romance that’s built up in her head is so far from real life and it’s going to explode in her face. She tells the camera, “It keeps getting better. There’s a bidet. I love Ben. Our love language is reserved for the two of us.” (if you don't know what a bidet is, your life is going well.)

Let me just be real about it: this post is dedicated to Jamie Fraser. You GUYS. I am so deeply entrenched in the Outlander series right now, it's unreal. I have been SO. ROYALLY swept away by these books and I don't even know how to talk about it. Per usual: I'll still be single the next time you see me. I'm halfway to my full-on status as a crazy old cat lady, but there is no frigate like a book and I'M OK WITH THAT.

AMIRITE?

One on One: Amanda

BEN: The girls aren’t up yet. But I am. I’ve showered and everything. Let's go see the girls!

JOHNNY: I hope one of them has mace.

Ok but that LED light that Ben has is SUPA bright. Big Daddy used to wake me up by flipping on the light in my bedroom, but there wasn't an LED light involved. 

Let's all take a moment to acknowledge that Amanda is wearing lip gloss right now. There is 100% gloss on her lips, as she's sitting up in bed. DON'T TELL ME YOU WOKE UP LIKE THIS. 

As their balloon went up over Teotitlan, I said, “Dude, did you guys see the story about the German kid that climbed to the top of one of the Great Pyramids?"

JOHNNY: No… Cool… Is that allowed?

GRACE: Absolutely not. But apparently he took pictures.

CAROLYN: Guys, remember when Amber was on this show?

Meanwhile: the banner at the bottom of the screen reads, “Trump Thumped in Caucus…”

GOD BLESS THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Guys, we need to talk about Amanda’s hair for a minute. I understand that it’s vogue right now to have dark roots and light tips, but let me tell you about a kid in fourth grade named Benjamin Hutto. (Stay with me, I promise I'll bring it back home) A set of cubbies, or something of the like, fell onto his head and he had to get staples. Because it was the year 2000, they poured hydrogen peroxide on his head while he was bleeding. (A nurse’s office doesn’t even HAVE hydrogen peroxide, now, if you really want to know. When I was teaching kindergarten, I asked for hydrogen peroxide to get a stain out of a sweater. The nurse looked at me like I was NUTS. "We don't use hydrogen peroxide, anymore," she asserted) But ANYWAY, it dyed the top of Ben's hair light yellow. He had naturally dark hair. So he had what appeared to be frosted tips, for a while. And they continued to grow out, and after a while, it just looked like he’d dipped the last inch of his hair into yellow highlighter liquid. I think he finally got a buzz ‘cause it looked so weird.

Moral of the story: THIS IS WHAT AMANDA’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE. I want to pat her on the back and say, “I’m sorry a bottle of hydrogen peroxide fell on your head, but you’re doing a great job letting those roots grow out, girl! Keep it up!”

PASS THE H2O2

And I don’t mean to be ripping on Amanda, but her voice makes me want to mute this television. And it’s getting higher and higher as her story gets more and more traumatic.

Group Date: Cook Things In Spanish

Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

So they sat in a classroom and learned some Spanish phrase and Jubilee was super shut down. 

Quickly: have I talked about this before? I can’t roll my R’s. It’s legitimately impossible for me. I would’ve failed this class. Failed this "class," rather. 

During the cooking portion, JoJo and Becca are just drinking in the corner. Great. Keep it up, girls. 

Apparently if you know how to cook, you’re ready to get married. Emily made a tortilla that was the consistency of a brick. I guess she isn’t ready for marriage. 

Jubilee is going down in FLAMES. She is spiraling out of control so quickly. 

When he pulled her aside, I was nearly in the fetal position.

GRACE: Why is she sitting like that?

BRYAN: Because she is a child.

JOHNNY: She is the next Bachelorette, thank you.

BRYAN: I can’t take one more second of her.

JOHNNY: Shut up, you racist.

BRYAN: I’m not a rac-

JOHNNY: ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LOVE JUBILEE FOR ALL THAT SHE IS AND ALL THAT SHE WILL BECOME IS A RACIST.

GRACE: Johnny, if you don’t lower your voice, I will turn on the closed captions. YOU KNOW THAT ISN’T AN EMPTY THREAT.

JOHNNY: Ben isn't cool, Grace. He’s just not cool.

GRACE: *through gritted teeth* HE HAS A BIBLE VERSE TATTOOED ON HIS RIB CAGE.

JOHNNY: It’s not even a cool Bible verse!

GRACE: Ugh. Well it’s certainly not an original one. BUT IT’S A BIBLE VERSE.

One on One: Lauren H.

Johnny wisely pointed out that Lauren H was obviously chosen for this date because of her dimensions.

...that is all I wrote about this date.

Oh, but that WINK, YOU GUYS! When Ben winked at her on the runway? Am I the only one that caught that? I hit the rewind button at least ten times. Other honorable mentions of runway affection include, but are not limited to:

This one's for you, Katie Bocksel...

Is Lauren H our dark horse? Her story about the boyfriend and how she wakes up and chooses to be happy everyday.....

The door is THAT way....

BEN: JoJo, I promise you will never be blindsided.

CAROLYN: That’s the worst promise, EVER.

LAUREN B: I could see a LIFE with you.

CAROLYN: They are totally in lust right now.  That’s it. They know NOTHING about each other.

Ugh. The Teen Mom thing DELIVERED. I mean, WOW to that whole scene. I was so appalled and horrified and entranced. I will say this, once more: Olivia is getting ANNIHILATED by the editors. They are relentlessly shredding her to pieces. Does this mean we're only getting about 10% of reality? Probably. Am I upset about it? ABSOLUTELY not.

Emily crying to Ben about how much she hates Olivia... GO HOME, EMILY, YOU'RE DRUNK. She's seriously a baby. No, not in the insulting kind of way, but in the literal kind of way. 

The girls freak out about whether or not a rose can technically be taken away from someone. Wasn't it taken away from Rozlyn, on Jake Pavelka's season when they found out that she was sleeping with a producer? She'd been given the rose on a group date before Harrison had to pull her aside and let her go? 

UGHHHH CLIFFHANGER WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL NEXT WEEK TO SEE OLIVIA'S FATE UGHHHHHHHHHHH

In the meantime, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.