I STILL Don't Know What I'm Seeing...

Facts:

1) My birthday was Monday night (thanks for the finale scheduling, Hare!)

2) Obviously, we didn't go out on Monday night to celebrate, we went out on Sunday night, since everyone knew I'd be glued to the TV for three hours, come 8 PM on Monday. 

3) This commentary is dedicated to Johnny Langan and Carolyn Murdock, who successfully pulled off THE GREATEST SURPRISE ANYONE HAS EVER KNOWN ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.

I thought the two of them were taking me to dinner. They told me they'd chosen a nice Italian place cause it had pasta and an intense dessert selection (I'm not that hard to please...) We got to the restaurant, and instead of three of us, it was THIS:

Even better: it had a Bachelor theme. Everyone had name tags with their name, age and occupation, as well as roses and date cards galore. When we got there, Johnny said, "Here's a date card for you to read... Oh wait. The date card is for us, from you. LET'S SEE WHO GETS TO GO ON THIS DATE!" And he proceeded to read the names of everyone who was there that night, even though their name tags said things like... 

Roses all around:

....It was a good birthday. 

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Meet the Parents

Observations:

- I’m loving the dramatic end to the episode that they’re doing in the previews right now, with a subtle howling wind in the background of the crying women…

- Clare and Juan Pablo are saying hello to one another and they have shared FIFFTY-FIVE mini besos.

- JP's sister (sister in law?) gave Clare a hug, but also kept a hand on her pregnant belly. Good choice. I'd keep my baby away from Clare too, in untero or not... 

- Clare’s mother (fondly referred to as “Mama”) is Mexican, but Clare does NOT speak Spanish. 

....This is BEWILDERING to me.

- I think Madre JP was speaking of the language barrier, when she asked about communication, but Clare started talking to her about when they argue?? Oh it's cause English is her second- NEVERMIND.

- I love how the women on this show think that they’re getting out of admitting that they’re “in love” when they get that question, by saying “I’m falling in love.” AS. IF.

- Cousin Roldofo seemed to ask if Clare would be willing to stick around and hold onto the relationship, "even when Juan Pablo walks away…" Red flag, anyone? Was there NO part of her that heard this and thought about asking, "Why do you ask? Does he frequently walk away from relationships?" 

- And then cousin Rolf hit her with “You need a person that’s willing to stay.”

 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... OBVIOUS OBSERVATIONS WITH HARE ROLF.

- But in unrelated news: Rolf’s braces. I say YES.

- Madre asks Nikita, “How would you imagine a weekend with Juan Pablo?” and then proceeded to tell her that it involves a lot of... watching TV. Based on her tone, I assumed she was passing judgment on this weekend activity, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE GROWING INTELLECT OF A FOUR YEAR OLD IS INVOLVED, but no, she was making the point that International de la Bachelore is a down-home kinda guy... Riiiiiight.

- Conclusion: Cousin Rolf doesn’t seem to have too much faith in Juan Pablo’s relationship skills.

- And finally (most importantly) where is Kelly's dog, Molly, tonight, in the studio audience? Why is Carly Rae flying solo?!

Memorable Quotes:

- “Every time I say goodbye to Juan Pablo, it gets harder and harder…” LEMME TELL YOU FOR WHOM IT DID NOT GET HARDER, EVERY TIME HE LEFT THE BACHELORETTE... THIS GUY:

Oh, are you having trouble recognizing him? Maybe this picture will help:

- Obvious Observations with Hare Clare: “I don’t want a rose; I want forever." 

I NEED THIS TO BE DONE, NOW.

- "It’s all been my perfect fairy tale and I just want that fairy tale ending…” OH WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO WRITE A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG, CLARE.

- JP had a pretty solid English flub with, “Clare has been dying meeting Camila." This could be interpreted so VERY many different ways. But English is his second language, y'all.

- Clare reminds us: “I love family." Do you, Clare? Cause yours is BONKERS.

- “I will wait for the right one. But I can’t wait.”

...To the four people reading this commentary, I apologize. I wrote down this quote, but I did NOT record the speaker. It seriously could have been Cousin Rolf, for all I know...

- Ah, finally Clare DOES pose a question to Madre JP: “Is there anything like, personality-wise that I need to know about that he would never tell me?” 

- Madre to Clare, “He has so energy," and she then proceeded to tell us that essentially, JP has ADHD and soccer was the cure. Great.


- Madre's greatest question/pronunciation was hands down: "“How is the izzzzzland?”

- Obvious Observations with Hare Random Audience Members: “His family warned both girls about him and they were like, ‘Ohhh it’s ok!’ and you know what? It’s not!”

Final Date with Clare:

Well... For once... I will give it to Chris Harrison. I believe that "most controversial" was the superlative with which he approached this finale, and while I STILL think Brad Womack I (that would be Brad's FIRST season) was the most controversial, this season was the most SOMETHING, at least. 

Observations:

- Ohhhh there it is. A cloud 9 reference. Everybody take a drink.

Memorable Quotes:

- “Are we taking a ride in a helicopter?” I'm NOT kidding, she asked this as they were WALKING UP TO THE HELICOPTER. 

Oh well. I'll let this game of Obvious Observations with Hare Clare go. If only we'd known what was coming. If only SHE had known what was coming.

- Ok so I'm not a professional transcriber. At least not one like THIS CHICK, anyway:

But I made everyone go back and re-watch what Clare said when they disembarked from the helicopter, so I could get it all down: (if this were a classroom, I'd call on that random emo kid Hunter in the back row, who wasn't paying attention, to read the following off of a slide...) 

"So as the helicopter is landing, we have a rare moment together with no camera no audio and no one there with us except for the pilot, and Juan Pablo leaned over and whispered what I thought was going to be sweet and loving words was not what came out of his mouth, and I’m just shocked."

(At that moment, I'd stop Hunter, so he could have time to reflect on how he needed to pay better attention, and I'd make the following remark to the class) 

At this point, I'll admit: the editors and producers still had me. I've seen this show enough times (EVERY TIME, if you really care to know) to recognize when the audience is being set up to think one thing, right before the opposite comes to fruition. So I'm expecting that sentence to be followed up with a "He leaned over and told me that he has never loved anyone in his life like he loves me." THIS IS NOT DUE TO A HIGH OPINION OF JUAN PABLO; IT IS DUE TO THE EXPERIENCE OF BACHELOR EDITING... 

Hunter is terrible at reading out loud, so I call on Emma, in the front row, to finish the quotation. Emma has a 99 average in my class and hasn't missed a day of school since she got pneumonia in third grade. 

"It's something he said in that moment to me, it’s just… I almost, I don’t have words for it: how I feel right now. He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat, it was insulting. It was offensive and it just made me feel awful. Every single women deserves to be treated with respect. I’m not just an object. Maybe I have him all wrong. He said, 'I feel like we don’t know each other. You don’t know me, I don’t know you!' but he loved hooking up with me."

Emma would read that quotation with perfect diction and inflection, and then I'd move on to show the class the next slide... SEAN LOWE'S FACE:

Sure, it's blurry and pixelated, but it's pretty much crystal clear...

- Somehow Clare didn't LEAVE HIM TO ROT ON THAT REMOTE ISLAND, she stuck around and "confronted" him later on in the evening. She started with, “We had a conversation in the helicopter… talk to me about that.” I don't even know where to BEGIN with this. On the one hand, it's not an aggressive line, which is admirable. But on the other hand, she literally said NOTHING useful to him, topping the whole thing off with, “If I’m gonna be with someone, I want them to know that they want to be with me.”

Do I think it's slightly unsettling that I can so accurately describe my emotional reactions to this show with clips from Disney movies? Maybe. Either way, THIS is what I have to say to their conversation:

- Remarkably, in their exchange, JP said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of sensible value WHATSOEVER. I say "remarkably," because he didn't even feed her cliche lines that every girl wants to hear. He said a bunch of garbled jargon (including, but not limited to 'I like so many things about you, I like how family you are into...") and then topped his spiel off with, “To me, the no kissing rule was the best rule you gave me." 

Buster Bluth had the most appropriate words for this moment:

Call me crazy, but could it be that the "no kissing rule" was JP's favorite because it was THE ONLY RULE ON WHICH CLARE INSISTED?!?! Ugh. He's playing Josh Rachet. I WANT AN END TO THIS.


My notes from here on out became skinnier and skinnier (unlike my waistline) and the only comment I have about Nikita's date is about how she must have convinced Bachelor Intern Jacob to rustle up a picture of the two of them... Which begs the question: did Clare have a gift that she intentionally withheld from JP? Cause she seems like the type who would Mod-Podge all the petals from roses she'd received from him into a collage of his face... 

Rose Ceremony: 

- As soon as we saw Clare get off the boat first, I hollered, "SHE'S GOING HOME. HE'S GOING TO SEND HER HOME, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS." I was watching with mostly Bachelor rookies, who didn't understand the significance of whichever contestant emerges from the boat/limo/WHATEVER first...  

Just because it's #tbt, I'll hurl a hefty retrogression at you: remember when they did the good ole split screen, circa Bob Guiney, and we didn't know which girl was going to get rejected until suddenly he uttered the word "but" to one of the women, and the body language looked like this, and we all understood?

I STILL say Bob and Kelly Jo were MADE FOR EACH OTHER. 

- So Clare isn't breathing right now. No, she's not being suffocated by JP's lechery, but she is seriously taking NO breaths between her words. THis is indicative of having had little to no therapy. I'm JUST saying. You can spot the crazies ten miles away. (Although, sidenote: my parents actually watched the finale (yes, I'm still shocked, too) and I had to fill Granny in on a piece she might have missed, when I told her, "Clare was super sane this episode... she hasn't been in ANY. OTHER. EPISODE.")

- I won't even dignify the "glad I didn't pick her!" line, but I would like to call your attention to JP's "I wish the earth sucked me today." Once again, just so many different ways for that one to go...

- Nikita gushed, "I can’t wait to call my mom and say “Mom I’m engaged.” That's why you want him to pick you, Nikita?

- She says “I love you” to him and he says, "Thank you." THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 
- He doesn't offer Nikita the Neil Lane rock, so we come to understand that her phone call to Mama and 'em will sound something like, “Mom, I’m not engaged, but he likes me a lot…”

AFTR:

- We know that Chris Harrison says ALL THINGS best, but he truly summed up this ahem, journey with, "Another season of The Bachelor has come to an end, I’m not gonna lie: I’m ok moving on…” I'm just too exhausted by Juan Pablo to even analyze what happened. How are he and Nikki still together? How did she watch this whole season and still want to be with him? Was he not admitting he loved her too, just to spite the producers? What happened two weeks ago, around the time of the Women Tell All, that made them change all their plans? (Is it that his Dancing With The Stars contract offer was withdrawn?) I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SEEING RIGHT NOW. (For the record: those are Hare's words; not mine)


Blah blah blah, Andi is the next Bachelorette... - “I have a good life, I just don’t have anyone to spend it with.” WHO SAYS YOU NEED SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SPEND IT?!? Ugh shrinking violets, be GONE.

- Whom decided that this yellow dress was ok for Andi’s big reveal? The color, the shape, the texture, the EVERYTHING is wrong with it... Ugh and her eyelashes are too thick to even keep her eyes open right now, as she's talking to Hare…

Verbal Faux Pas:

- I refuse to dignify the former Bachelor with ANY more discussion of him, but I would like to highlight an outstanding faux pas from Mrs. Sean Lowe. She and Sean were essentially trying to tell JP that he's behaving like a brat for wanting this much privacy, when he basically SIGNED AWAY HIS LIFE, when he agreed to do the show, and she said, "Don’t slap the hand that fed you." 

....it's "don't bite the hand that feeds you." There's a verb tense issue and a word choice issue, but she's Mrs. Sean Lowe: she can do whatever she wants. 

Now please excuse me while I go re-watch every episode of Burning Love until May...