Tuesday, March 4, 2014

He Has No Regrets...

You guys, Juan Pablo regrets nothing.

LET ME BE CLEAR: there is only ONE MAN who is feasibly allowed to have ZERO regrets:

This post is dedicated to Elisa Sugar Goodrich. She has faithfully supported my commentary from the beginning (from the very beginning, really, but leading me to my Bachelor Blogging Idol, Lincee Ray years ago) and she also taught me that you can watch secular TV shows and follow Jesus, because we would watch The Bachelor after she led Bible Study at her house, in high school… This rose is for you, Elisa!

Again, per usual: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)


- This is the first time in the show’s history (TRULY) that Hare has remarked on an external change in a contestant, with his reference to Cat’s bangs. And I’m not that upset about it…

- Rene’s eyebrows have been MEGA penciled in and I’m not sure what to think about it…

- The girls complained that there was little to no substance in their conversations with Pollo. But wait! Rene got some substance! Ohhhhh nevermind. It’s cause they talked about their kids… and nothing else.


- This Muppet thing, right now… First of all: the STUBBLE ON CHRIS HARRISON. Seeing how we saw it first appear in the “Need for Speed” promo, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this facial hair is a “movie promo look” cause it’s resurfaced for this promo and I am NOT upset about it… And finally, this Villainous Kermit story line… Anyone who has El Pollo Loco as their best man… is 100% a villain

- Ohhhh Lauren S. You need to sit up straight, behind Kat, right now. I do NOT need to see your tummy peeking out of that dress… Who decided that she should wear this little number for an event where she’d primarily be shown SITTING?

- I’m loving how Hare is trying to defend Juan Pablo in any and all ways, because HE IS THE ONE WHO PITCHED EL POLLO LOCO TO AMERICA. #TakeSomeResponsibility #NotHereToMakeFriendz

- Speaking of hashtags, anyone remember #Kasey, from Dez’s season? So campy. Rest in peace, Dez and Kasey’s relationship that was destroyed by the sudden gust of Santa Anna Winds…

- Victoria, honey, there is NOTHING you can say that will be taken seriously by ANYONE right now. Rene had to CRAWL UNDER A BATHROOM STALL TO RESCUE YOU. Close your mouth.

- Sharleen’s eyebrows are perhaps as equally penciled in as Rene’s, and I am MOST ASSUREDLY not upset by it.

- I would have REALLY liked to meet Sharleen’s family. As much as I didn’t want to meet Clare’s, I would have loved to see what Mama and Papa Sharmander were like…

- I think that Rene’s assumption that her declaration of love wouldn’t have changed el Pollo’s mind and therefore avoided her elimination "because those were her feelings, and not his…" Is giving Pollo too much credit…

- Rene says that she learned a lot on this show. MAMA RENE, WHO COUNSELED EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW MORE THAN THE BACHELOR SHRINK EVER HAS… learned something…

- Ohhh look: Hare dropped the “Room full of ex girlfriends” line… Yuk yuk yuk. Fried Armadillos for everyone. Sean still lives at home, yuk yuk.

- AHHHHH LAUREN H, I FORGOT ABOUT THE CRYBABY ON THE PREMIERE! Why didn’t we hear more from her tonight? She was such an epic Hare… (No, not like “Our-Host-Chris-Harrison Hare” but a hare as in “The Tortoise and the Hare.” She burned out right away. Yuk yuk yuk.)

- When Hare  (yes, the one who sometimes has stubble, not the rabbit) starts listing adjectives that describe the season… YESSS THE BLOOPERS ARE COMINGGGG

- I was just commenting about how much I missed the days when Stubble Hare would ask the former contestants who they thought would be the final choice… THOSE DAYS GOT BROUGHT BACK TO US, LAST NIGHT. Team Nikki for the win. (But this isn’t a contest, you guys.)

Memorable Quotes:

- Stubble Hare billed this season’s superlative as “controversial.” So we heard, “most controversial season in the show’s history…” Was it, though? Is it ever, though?

- Subtly Stubble Hare wasted no time in grilling Sean and Catherine, “How was the wedding night?” OH WE ARE GOING THERE RIGHT NOW… 

- On why they’re going to start having kids ASAP, Cat remarked, “I mean, he’s old.” Well they say that honesty is key in a successful relationship…

- I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Andi regrets calling Pollo “enchanting,” in the clip that we just saw, but that’s just me…

- Subtly Stubble Hare asked the women, “So you’re all attracted to him, but why wasn’t that enough?” For all the superlatives and hyperboles that our dear host loves to throw out there, this should have been advertised on the Women Tell All Marquee: “Watch as our host poses a question to the women that he has never before inquired. Previous contestants ask The Bachelor why they weren’t enough, but never before has it been asked why The Bachelor himself wasn’t enough!”

- While she didn’t talk about her Dad’s DUIs, Kat enlightened us with, “He talks about being fair, and then he goes around and changes every single one of his rules…” Well that… yep. That right there.

- “He didn’t say ‘Camila’ when he was in the ocean…” THANK YOU, CARLY RAE, THANK YOU.

- Did anyone else catch the moment where Subtly Stubble Hare said “The rules changed… what he was doing and AT WHAT TIME." That last part was totally under his breath, but I hope it dug the knife in, either way… 

- When watching the playback of Sharleen, I remarked “Ugh. Great dress on night one.” My friend Johnny replied, “Um, has she ever NOT had a great dress?” TRUTH.

- This is also, I believe, the first time that Hare has referred to a “top girl.” Am I right? It’s not a competition, you guys. But Sharmander was the top girl.

- Stubble Hare asks Rene “What’s going through your mind when you watch that?” WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING THROUGH HER MIND, HARE?! She graciously replies “It’s hard to watch…” And he digs the knife deeper, “Why is it hard to watch?”

- Andi summarized her time in the fantasy suite: “The things he said made me feel cheap… But he wasn’t mean.” I hope her statements in the courtroom aren’t like that, because she just threw way too many ideas into the crock pot and turned it on…

- Sure, what JP said about “not being there to kiss 27 women” is legit, except the fact that he told the women, in the moment, that he was thinking of Camila… (Which he then went on to say meant that he wasn’t going to let her watch the show, but he was worried about what her friends’ parents might say to her?)

Questions I have:
- …Piggy and Kermit arent’ married? Is this like a Barbie and Ken thing, where they split up and are getting back together again?

- Why is Andi defending the oceanic romp, right now? Why?

- Once again: I’ve always known I’d be a terrible candidate for this show. But am I alone in thinking that if I were a contestant that DIDN’T make it to the final two, I would watch the season and then spend every Monday night thereafter practicing my tirade for the WTA in the bathroom mirror? There are so many rehearsed and polished monologues that we see in this episode and they just don’t ever get enough credit…

- Not that I’m terribly curious, but when Andi says that el Pollo was “name dropping” in the fantasy suite… Are we talking names like David Beckham and Mia Hamm? Or Sean Lowe and Desiree Hartsock? Or random Venezuelan people that Andi had never heard of, but nodded her head like she had because she could infer from his tone that he was trying to name drop, before she faked falling asleep?

- Who was that blonde chick that stumbled into his arms, in the bloopers just now?

- How, HOW could this finale POSSIBLY be unlike anything we’ve ever seen before? We've seen Travis Stork not propose, we've seen Brad Womack pick neither woman, we've seen... whatever Dez's season was... How could this ending POSSIBLY surprise us? (And whose idea was it, to let these audience members think that they had the authority to speak about the outcome?)

But finally... I want to see this girl on Bachelor Pad 4:


  1. First off, I am shocked and utterly honored. Warren said our Bachelor watching post Bible study wasn't near as bad his…they would watch South Park after. Girls win.

    And I'm so curious about the lost blonde too? Where did she come from? A cut contestant post-filming? Busted!!!

  2. Who is the girl for Bachelor Pad 4? Should I know???