WAIT ARE YOU A MODEL?

Couple things:
1) IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA AND ARE NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE, DO SO *RIGHT NOW* so you can vote in the general election! (Or if you live LITERALLY anywhere and are not registered to vote)
2) Right before the episode, news broke that they also have Paul Manafort on witness tampering and I am LIVING.
3) Y'ALL HAVE TO READ AMY KAUFMAN'S BACHELOR NATION. It's such a good read on the show, but also unscripted TV in general. Also maybe the millennial psyche, in general.

Guys. You all know this is my favorite episode. The dates are totally overproduced because they’re still in LA, and there are still PLENTY of crazy contestants so we get plenty of nutty sound bites. We get crying over a picture frame and half-naked dudes at rose ceremonies and I LOVE IT.


We open with Becca biking around Venice and LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW: Biking in Venice is NOT this easy. 11/10 would NOT recommend doing this. I’m not just trying to be like, “Guys, I live in LA, I KNOW.” Truly: biking, walking, BREATHING in Venice Beach is very problematic.


The dudes saunter around the mansion, stand on a balcony and yell Becca’s name for no reason at all and I need the record to show that I’m REALLY enjoying Blake. I really think it might be because he reminds me of Miles Teller, who stole my heart as Willard in the movie reboot of Footloose, may we NEVER forget:

Group Date: 

Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln 

 
I’M SO EXCITED THAT JORDAN IS ON THIS DATE YOU GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A HOT MESS AND NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES ANY SENSE. 

 
Great product placement from BLK Tuxedo, whatever that is. Also I love how Becca said she wanted this to be about pampering and there are… tuxes. Like, the only thing they have to be luxurious about is… tuxedos. THAT’S SO RELAXING TO PUT ON A TUX! 

 
Jordan wants to give Becca some tips about what to do before she puts her… panty hose on in the morning. I really can’t dignify this with much commentary. Did he think it was too scandalous to say “underwear?” Or did he start to say “panties” then decide THAT was too scandalous and veer towards panty hose? I think I'm giving him too much credit. It was so weird and I love it. 

 
We see Rachel and Bryan and… I don’t miss Bryan. At ALL. This is honestly a great idea for a date (yes I know they did the Dad obstacle course with Ashton and Mila last season, but I’m thinking of how much better it will be than the bride obstacle course that they did with Farmer Chris. ) cause dudes are competitive AF and won’t worry about running an outfit. (I wouldn’t personally worry about “running an outfit” so much as I’d spend the whole time thinking “this cost HOW much?”
OMG as soon as we hear Bryan’s voice I am OVERWHELMED by how much I do NOT miss him!!

"Cold Feet" was the best thing they could come up with? There isn’t even ice in that thing! 

 
Carolyn has drawn our attention to the fact that there is a show in Japan called “Slippery Stairs," where people try to climb up… slippery stairs. No for real, it's a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGPLNQzKGSA Your'e welcome.

I do NOT have time for David saying that “he was drawn to the right cake like he was drawn to Becca. Was he drawn to a chicken suit because he has been "chicken" in love before? GIMME A BREAK.

Lincoln won, and I'm just so glad we are done seeing Bryan aka "Dr Abs" for the rest of the season. (No for real, he calls himself "Dr. Abs")

Interesting note about continuity - Becca's hair was straight on this date (at the end of the night) and in one of her interviews, it is definitely curly. BUT in OTHER interviews that night, it was straight! Which means, the producers looked at the footage, decided they needed another soundbite and sat Becca down in that same outfit for an interview, to get the exact soundbite (I can't even remember what she was saying when she had curly hair in that one shot. Maybe it was something to better set up the picture throwing sequence.) They did this a lot with Corinne on Nick's season, it's just interesting that we only saw ONE soundbite of curly-haired Becca, not even multiple.

I love that the dudes can have a whole conversation about who Lincoln is… when they’ve known him for 24 hours. They're sitting around on the couch saying bro things like "Yeah he just likes to brag man, he's that kind of guy..." Oh really? Do you know that from the years of friendship you've had with him? So many armchair experts. This episode is my favorite.

OMG this argument between Connor and Lincoln is really something else. Connor is already in self-destruct mode and it’s only the first group date!! STAND DOWN, STAND DOWN!!


Ok two things about the frame throwing: the sound of glass shattering was added in post production. And then they clearly sent the PA down to shove it in the pool and get a shot of it. I obviously love all of it, but let's not pretend that Connor had the ability and precision to throw the frame to hit a tree then land in the pool.
....and Jordan is LOVING it.

Because he has absolutely zero brain cells left, he is reveling in this whole thing. You and me both, Jordy.

Lincoln insists that the picture is broken and now his heart is broken, and honestly I hate that, but honestly it's better than David's line about the cake but honestly:

Could’ve done without Jean Blanc’s segue into the kiss, but I’ll allow it cause she was into it. And just as I'm getting comfortable accepting that I'm allowing this, Lincoln comes to Becca about Connor like my kindergarten students used to come to me when they wanted me to get another student in trouble. And instead of giving Lincoln the tools that he needs to solve this himself, Becca goes and fetches Connor.

Connor could have gotten out of this. He could have easily said “I was totally caught up and I regret doing that. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to get to know you." But instead it was just super tense and uncomfortable and I'm surprised she didn't send him home right away.

Ummmmm is anyone else seeing these HORRIBLE commercials from former Bachelorettes for Ocean’s 8??? Also… ASHLEY I, YOU WERE NEVER A BACHELORETTE WHAT IS GOING ON. (I have no idea why people like Becca Tilley and Nick Viall are publicizing their relationship. Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they are gunning for a Bachelor in Paradise wedding, but I truly have no idea. I mean, good for them, maybe true love is real, but like.... what is going on. Also a quick side note about Jared - y'all remember when Kaitlyn and Co were in Ireland and the dudes had to ride a bus to wherever they were going but Jared got to ride with Kaitlyn? AND THEN THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE TOP OF A TOWER AND KISSED A ROCK?! I'm still stressed out by all those germs. To this day. Whew, just needed to get that off my chest)


Oh and NOW Lincoln is weeping about the picture frame. Honestly the ability of these producers to KEEP UP THIS LEVEL OF HYPE ABOUT NOTHING is truly amazing. Also who even is that dude that listened to Lincoln and then turned around and laughed about him with Jordan? Do we need to be concerned about this? Jason. I think it was Jason. He looks like Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You. 

Then in a turn of events that we probably all saw coming... Jordan hits us with something for which we were not really prepared: "ingenuinity." In-Genunin-ity. Not "ingenuity," there is definitely a whole 'nother syllable added in there. This guy better make it to the final two then go to Bachelor in Paradise because I LOVE HIM.

One on One Date:
BLAKE
Blake’s teeth are definitely wine stained when he finds out that he gets the date, but who even cares.

OMG SEND ME ON A DATE WITH BLAKE I LOVE HIM. If he is the next Bachelor, I will do the Christmas gift sprint contest that Arnold Schwarzenegger does against Sinbad in Jingle All The Way to get to be the first in line.

(Did that happen? In that movie? With those people? I honestly saw the trailer one time but it clearly left an impression)

Wait Blake's posture in the limo is really defensive! See how he was a) gripping his knees and b) had his arm up, making a barrier between the two of them? HE IS CLOSED OFF.

I wonder if they had some kind of celeb lined up for this but they backed out, because it makes NO sense that Hare is introducing this date.

Oh. Oh I see that Li'l John is waiting inside. Maybe he showed up super late? Honestly the only song I really need from him is “Yeah!” But I’ll take “Turn Down for What” I love that he is like, narrating the whole thing… "Turn down for what?! Smash that dead love, Becca!" Also weird that this date is based on... Arie. Like, hey Blake, come on this date that is all about my ex! Weird.

I have never heard of Warwick, except to tell you that Richard III lived at/helped build Warwick Castle in England, but Carolyn HAS been there (to the LA bar) and says it’s super trendy. Wouldn't know.

The second episode is obviously my favorite for reasons listed above, but there is also so much talk of “I LOVE spending time with you. You have qualities that I’m looking for!” And I do NOT have any interest in those conversations. They are not real. Even the pleasantry "I loved meeting you!" is what you say when you have NOTHING else to say. Blake gets the rose because he is perfect and then Becca not-so-smoothly yanks him up against a wall. But I can't say I wouldn't do the same, soooo...


Group Date: 
Garrett, Ricky, John, Bryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton

I can't even remember what the date card said, but it definitely should have said "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"

OMG these kids are HYSTERICAL and I love it. These dudes are getting so sweaty and this is hilarious and awesome. YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH?!? I am howling.

So glad Fred Willard is here. This makes zero sense, but please bring him to narrate EVERYTHING.

Leo is probably “so good at dodgeball” because he is an actor and has plenty of time to practice trampoline dodgeball. (Have y'all ever been to one of these trampoline places? They're super fun.)

Alex is SUPA cute. His teeth are 100% fake but I will 100% allow it.

I think Wills might be the first time that a kiss on the show was described as “sultry," but like Alex's teeth: I'll allow it. (Why am I allowing so much this season? Am I getting soft in my old age?)

I love that the rose is on a platter with… clams and ginger roots. Legit like Ivanka Trump’s Thanksgiving table:


Colton takes Garrett aside and talks to him about how he dated Tia… 1) How could Becca NOT know that they dated? She had to know. 2) Garrett had absolutely ZERO idea who Tia was. Honestly good for him. This entire conversation was staged, at least that wasn't.

Ah, unless the footage they showed of her reaction was not the actual moment where he told her, her face really didn’t move. She’s frustrated, but she obviously very much knew. Interesting that she clearly likes him enough to keep him around. She didn't like that guy Jake from Minnesota, so she sent him home. She didn't like that guy Chase (whose ex-girlfriend texted Chris) so she sent him home. NOT SO WITH COLTON! Either Becca gets over the Tia hang up REAL quick, or it drags out for the next episode before she sends him home.

Sultry Wills gets the group date rose

Rose Ceremony

I think Becca is emotional this morning because she really wanted something to happen with Colton and she is having to deal with the fact that he dated Tia. Something about Colton rings VERY disingenuous to me. Or like he is full of un-in-genuity, or something.

Quick question: why are Garrett’s eyes welling up, like, always? He legit always looks like he's about to cry.

CLAY: Let’s have a victory dance. We do a couple of moves and then my teammates and I…
BOOZER: Kiss? Do you kiss?
Honestly the kiss wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I was bracing for, to be totally real.

Coulda been worse. 

Oh I’m glad that Venmo John went in for the kiss!

Wooooow Connor really went for the fresh start. This is so amazing. I am so impressed. He called in an entire PR team to figure this out and he NAILED IT. I'm so glad she didn't send him home so we could witness this comeback tour.

Jordan doesn’t go kyaking on Sundays, he wants you to know.

JORDAN: Tick tock, make it rock!
BOOZER: ...here's my great big...??
CAROLYN: Happy pride!

I love that Jordan STRIPS down and proceeds to say “I am spontaneous, I like to speed. My hair is usually kempt.” Also for a dude that is supposed to be comfortable in his skin… he is tightly wrapping that button down around his waist right now. This honestly reminds me of when Corinne did that whipped cream thing with Nick, that sounded so great in her head but the actual execution was very messy. Gosh, Corinne and Jordy would probably be perfect for each other.

Chicken David semi-confronts him and Jordan says ZERO things that make any sense.
INGENUINITY. He said it again. I love this.

Roses went to:
Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, I’M A WILHEMINA MODEL, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton

HOW DID THEY GET ALEX TO CRY OMG THEY MOST HAVE BROUGHT IN A CRISIS NEGOTIATOR TO PULL TEARS OUT OF HIM. He was so cute. I'll miss him and his fake teeth.


Finally a quick note - and I'm doing this at the end so I won't lose you at the beginning - I just wanna do a quick Life Fact Check, because the man who is in the highest office in this country has been saying some things in some public statements (because YES, sentiments from the social media platform he uses to post is considered a public statement) and they are categorically untrue. Like, VERY, VERY FALSE. Just wanna go over a few things quickly because truth matters:

1) There is not a law that is separating parents from children at the border. it is a policy. It is a policy that has been implemented by the current administration's Department of Homeland Security and Attorney General, so to say that "democrats are why we have laws separating parents from children" is categorically untrue.
I'm not even commenting on the policy itself, just pointing out some lies. Further reading: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2018/jun/06/what-you-need-know-about-trump-administrations-zer/
2) There was not a spy planted in the president's campaign. There was a very run-of-the-mill counterintelligence operation, because there were people in the campaign that raised A BUNCH OF RED FLAGS because of their communications and business dealings with people like... ALL OF RUSSIA. (Four - FOUR! of the former campaign associates have been indicted by the special counsel.) Even very Republican Trey Gowdy and House Speaker Paul Ryan have acknowledged that there was no spy. Further reading:
https://www.vox.com/2018/5/25/17380212/spygate-trump-russia-spy-stefan-halper-fbi-explained

Hooray for Facts!!

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

All God's Children Got a Rose

Guys... So much has happened in my life since Arie's season... I fell in love, I got married, we bought a house- LOL JK STILL ENJOYING MY SINGLE MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS, FAM.

Honestly the biggest update is that I got a stupid MacBook. I went into Best Buy for a new computer (because I literally had to use an earring to turn on my sweet, sweet Think Pad) and the deal that they had in the MacBook was TOO GOOD to pass up. It wasn't the software or the aesthetic that got me, it was the DEAL. Because by now we all know that nothing tastes as good as saving money feels AMIRITE?

Two quick book updates: most importantly: James Comey's book came out and it was WONDERFUL. 11/10 would recommend. The book isn't about the president, it's about Comey's life and what he considers to make an excellent leader - they peddled the bits about POTUS to help sell the book, it's only a small part. I was just writing down quotes that I loved from the book and here is one of my favorites:


"A sense of humor in particular, strikes me as an important indicator - or "tell" - about someone's ego. Having a balance of confidence and humility is essential to effective leadership. Laughing in a genuine way requires a certain level of confidence, because we all look a little silly laughing; that makes us vulnerable, a state insecure people fear. And laughing is also frequently an appreciation of others who have said something that is funny. That is, you didn't say it and by laughing you acknowledge the other, something else insecure people can't do."

COME ON, HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT?!

Also MARVELOUS shout-out to Amy Kaufman's Bachelor Nation, because it, too, was DELIGHTFUL. Let me give you the logline that I tell people - including the stranger at LAX that I convinced to buy a copy of the book: not only does she have things like Sharleen Joynt's journal excerpts from Juan Pablo's season, but her best friend's mom is the chair of Harvard's Folklore and Mythology department, so she does a deep dive on why we, as this allegedly progressive society, still cling to the old fashioned notions of gender norms and stereotypes. GET IT AND READ IT, PEOPLE.

Ok ok ok, moving onto the episode. Wait, one more thing about Arie - did y'all see this GQ article? 

https://www.gq.com/story/the-bachelor-arie-luyendyk-jr-profile

It's fascinating and there's a definite twist at the end. Very worth the read. 

(Scroll to the end to see my comments on the Garrett Instagram drama) 

Ok NOW onto the episode: 

First things first: I’m def into the Corgi that Becca's sister is holding. Is that Corgi ever gonna find love? That's the show I wanna watch.

Becca's mom telling her “You’ve got so much going for you” is EVERY MOTHER who has ever lived. My mom legit says this to me when I've binged on popcorn and chocolate and three seasons of Peaky Blinders, and she truly believes it. Thanks for your service, Moms.

Ok this room that Becca is staying in looks 0% spacious or luxurious. There is a 2 ft radius around the bed. Guess she won't have to worry about her charger reaching the pillow. Also why is she doing aerial yoga? Is this foreshadowing?

Becca says she “idolizes” what the former bachelorettes have.

That... is troubling. (Unless she means their Instagram sponsorships, because... who wouldn't?)

Why is JoJo wearing a school jumper to this Bachelorette Reunion? Like, legit what I wore in 4th grade? I also really want to see a NOT middle part on JoJo. This conversation is so dull and boring. Why isn't Kaitlyn talking more? Ohhhh we got a "Let's do the damn thing" from her. I think we're done here. 

Obviously that phrase will be way overused this season, but I just have to take a quick moment to remind us all that it was what Becca first said to Arie WHEN SHE MET HIM AND MADE HIM FAKE PROPOSE to her, and she also said it several other times on their dates... and he DIDN'T say it when he proposed. Which tells us legit all we need to know or remember about him. 

I am into this dress on her. All the pearls. Wait but why is there a safety pin? Did the Production Assistant really think we wouldn't see that? 

INTRO VIDEOS:

Clay… Clay is a sprinter. Legit all he does in this intro video is sprint. Clay’s speaking voice makes it seem like he hasn’t taken a breath in 19 years, but that's probably because he has been sprinting that whole time.

Garrett.... Garrett is pretty cute, but too cheesy. I don't hate a Matt Foley impression, but I don't think it's the thing to be leading with...

Jordan. Jordan is a professional model. “Intensive Gentleman” I CANNOT. I can’t believe they let him keep the title of “Male Model” and what even IS a “tub of chocolates?” He says he sits on the couch and eats a tub of chocolates... A tub of ice cream, you mean? A box of chocolates? I hope this guy sticks around cause he's like Robby and every dude from Armani fragrance ads had a baby...

Lincoln... Oh Lincoln can jump rope with one foot... I think I'm a little impressed by that.

Joe… Joe doesn’t know how to wink. But he's pretty cute.

Jean Blanc… I don’t even know where to start with this. I'm not mad about being obsessed with fragrances, I totally get that, but like... why is he showing us his watch collection?

Colton is wearing a velvet vest right now. Ok well he is kind of dreamy. Oh ok the vest is for charity. (I think) I sure hope this charity is real.

LIMO ENTRANCES:

Colton came out of the gate with confetti poppers, which I can get behind. Pretty cute. 

Clay said some football puns then legit yelled “I WILL CATCH YOU INSIDE” into her face. I really wanna like this guy but he seemed pretty nervous. 

Jean Blanc getting her to say “let’s do the damn thing” in French was the only acceptable use of that phrase.

"Connor. Fitness coach." was all I wrote down for him.

Joe. Joe has already had too much to drink. I was really hoping for some produce jokes from him.

John told Becca about his grandparents then hugged her. Bye, John!

Leo is a stuntman. I can’t imagine being a stunt man with that much hair.

Jordan’s limo exit was a dumpster fire. He “was not expecting this color” on Becca and is “already having a great time." I made us re-watch his limo exit about 14 times, because the way that he rehearsed exiting the limo but didn't account for how awkward that silence would be in real life was something ELSE.

Alex. Whoaaaa Alex. Alex is DREAMY.

Nick does not have socks on. Stunt man is already talking smack about him.

Mike has a cardboard cut out of Arie. His line about it isn’t TERRIBLE, but I could still live without Arie's face.

Grant came out of the gate in a minivan... does he want to drive the minivan, or does he expect Becca to drive it? When they have kids - what is it Gaston says in Beauty and the Beast? "While the little ones play by the fire..." 

STRAPPING YOUNG BOYS. YOU WILL BEAR MY CHILDREN. 

I can't decide if I'm going to love Garrett or hate him. Either he is gonna stick around for a long time, or his cheesiness will get the boot REAL quick. 

Now someone is whining about how many guys there are - how do these dudes NOT know that there are gonna be a bunch of dudes?

What is Blake even riding in on? Is this a bull? An ox? Oh it IS an ox, thank you, pun. Male model recognizes Blake. Oh he also recognizes Lincoln. Because he watched the AFTR footage like Matt Saracen watched old Dillon Panthers footage. 

My comments get shorter as my attention span decreases:

Darius is cute.

Oh I think Ryan is SO cute. Is he a jerk? Time will tell.

Wills looks cute.

Jason wanted to have a secret handshake. It looks like every other secret handshake ever.

Kamil wants to meet halfway. And then 60/40. Get that guy outta here.

Then we meet Jake… who knew Becca in Minneapolis. Oh this is gonna be interesting.

Trent rolled up in a hearse. I mean, he's fully committed to literal death, I'll give you that.

Christian had to “see” Becca, spun her around and... seems hammered.

I’d like to point out that David’s words were transcribed on the closed captions as “Beh-Kaw.” And the blonde attorney sure appreciates the pun.

Chris brought a gospel choir. Yawn.

Connor steals her away first as stuntman brushes out his hair and says something about real estate. 

Whatever to the fact that Clay brought along some... clay, but I like that he molded her wearing the dress. I feel like that shows some attempt at... art. 

I’m impressed that Christon could get her to spin the ball on her finger. WOW HE JUST DUNKED ON HER. I am officially impressed

I like salsa dancing guy. A lot.

Didn’t need to hear the poem that Jean Blanc wrote, but it’s cute that it’s on a candle.

BLAKE: My last relationship ended abruptly.
CAROLYN: Is she dead?

OMG WHY DOES THE ATTORNEY HAVE THAT MASSAGER?!?! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! 

Chicken guy is pretty cute… Aaaaaaand he’s a venture capitalist. Wait he’s 25? He’s a 25 year old venture capitalist? I honestly had to google "venture capitalist" because in my mind it's the same thing as "hedge fund manager" which basically means Chicken guy is Anthony Scaramucci.

Guys I love Jordan so much. He is such a righteously hot mess.

Wait I’m really starting to like Garrett.

Ohhhh WOW right now to Chase and calling out and blaming “Women, man…” This is NOT going to go well on Twitter. Also “I’m not that guy” ONLY comes from people who ARE THAT GUY. I love that this is turning into an actual thing.

Blake reminds me of Miles Teller and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Becca pulled Jake aside and told him that they'd met approximately 19 times back in Minneapolis. He said he recalled meeting her one time. And then said he'd had a transformative year. Which is honestly what I say after one trip to the gym. It is VERY easy to get the picture of Jake's past year, and I wish we got more of it in his intro video. Maybe he'll be on BIP...

Guys, Garrett is so cute. His smile is so big and I can’t even handle it. He got the first impression rose. And I liked him up until the Huffington Post article. See below.

Roses went to: Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Khal Drogo, Mike, Chris R.

Then of course after the episode, I read all about the Garrett Drama. For those who have just joined us, here's the gist: he hit the "like" button on some terrible stuff on Instagram. Detailed here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bachelorette-premiere-garrett-yrigoyen_us_5b0837d9e4b0fdb2aa5342b6

We're looking at the prospect of him hitting the like button on some of the following:

Couple of things: 

1) I am a little taken a back by the notion that your social media can lead to condemnation. I don't disagree with it, but it's definitely new territory for all of us. And also a quick admission that if someone combed through my social media likes, they'd probably say something like "How can she even have a job, she spends all her time liking stationery and pen bloggers!!" (...which is not untrue) But we knew this was coming. I keep work and politics off of my Facebook and Instagram for the most part because I don't think that those are a good platform for those thoughts. (Therefore I mostly just post about cookies) My Twitter handle is usually aflame with political statements and articles, but definitely nothing that I wouldn't defend in front of a court of law, or even in front of my super Republican grandparents. (Who told me five days ago that they love me even though I voted blue) But my point is: WE KNEW THIS WAS COMING! We know that these things aren't sacred! The like button has more power than I think we've all been willing to give it, but this isn't surprising. 

2) IF these screenshots are real, (he has yet to release a statement confirming or denying) did this stuff come up? Like it came up with Lee on Rachel's season? (Where we saw Lee showing some of his more racist colors) And if not... HOW DID THIS NOT COME UP?! Honestly the border wall is in like, the top 5 things I first talk to people about when I meet them. Not kidding. That, or Michael Cohen. Maybe there's a reason why I'm still single. LOL JK I WILL NEVER CHANGE. #SorryDad

3) I will be VERY curious about how ABC responds to this, especially in the wake of the cancellation of Roseanne. Like, how woke do you wanna be, ABC? (granted, I don't think that what Roseanne and Garrett have done are the same thing, nor do they have the same kinds of jobs/representations/expectations, but it will still be interesting to watch) ALSO interesting because I'm pretty sure it's a part of Garrett's contract that he can't really speak about the show until he's been eliminated. What if he lasts a long time? Will ABC craft a statement before then? 

UNTIL THEN,

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Starfish, Party of One

Things:

- Honestly all I cared about at the Oscars was Kween of my Life, Allison Janney. NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR *MY* POTUS. Big Daddy kept calling me throughout the show, mostly to ask me things like, "What does that movie with the baking soda guy have to do with Mike Pence?" But he called for Best Supporting Actress announcement because "I wanted to be on the phone with you when Your Meryl won!"

Also special shout out to other queen – Jennifer Garner and that gorgeous dress. She never doesn’t deliver.

Don't even need to crop this screenshot cause she's a straight up GODDESS.

- Frances McDormand just DOES not have any flips to give. She didn’t wear any makeup, she set Oscar on the ground, she ate a bucket of fried chicken at the after party – WE SALUTE YOU, FRANCES.

- E’erybody be sure and stock up on aluminum foil. I love that Paul Ryan is like, “You can come for the women, you can come for the immigrants… BUT HANDS OFF MY CHEAP ALUMINIUM, FAM.”


Finally… let me take you back to my freshman year of college… (Have I told this story before? Stop me if I have. Lol jk you can’t.) Lissa Rubin, idol goddess herself (who was a senior when I was a freshman) somehow majestically decreed that she was going to come to my dorm room and watch the finale of Jason Mesnick’s season with me (seriously what did I do to deserve such an honor?) We watched, as I clutched my Jonas Brothers pillow (no really – it was a thing - shoutout to Maria Kim in the background)

Jason proposed, then he, Melissa, and his son Ty jumped in that pool together (fully clothed – seems like an expensive dry cleaning prospect if you ask me) THEN WATCHED AS JASON BROKE UP WITH MELISSA. Which I know I’ve talked about on this blog before because I MADE this image:

I will never forget that night. One, because Queen Lissa thought I was cool enough to watch with, but TWO, because I remember looking at the screen thinking: “Oh wow. Oh he is actually going to do this. He is going to do this and get away with it. Chris Harrison is going to let him do this and no one is going to arrest him.” 

Well. Looks like Arie did the same thing last night. And you know what? We deserve him. I'm serious - stay with me, here. We elected a man to be president who thinks he is above the rules, and so now we have a Bachelor who thinks he is above the rules. Did you guys see this article? 

http://people.com/tv/bachelor-becca-kufrin-talks-arie-luyendyk-jr/

Becca was very calmly like, "Yeah he kept liking her photos but we were a team so I thought we could work through it together..." Bekah M also posted pictures of messages he has sent her recently. He has been treating women like this for YEARS and is just going to keep doing it. To quote Shang to the novice soldiers in Mulan: "You're a spineless pale pathetic lot AND YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE." 

Am I directing some of my rage at the radical unraveling of our democracy towards Arie? Sure. But the two are related. We have held up men who think they are above the rule of law (for one of those men it's the ACTUAL Constitution, and for the other it's just, you know, the rules of SOCIETY) so honestly this ending makes sense! 

That was not my tirade to announce that I will no longer be watching the show. This blog will never feature that announcement. But it was a tirade to say about this season: DUH. 

Now for the commentary: 

Living Room Peanut Gallery was comprised of: myself, Kelly, Carolyn, Austin, Madison and Matt

First thought: MESNICK THEY’RE BRINGING OUT MESNICK WHY

Hare is trying to defend Arie to us at the beginning of this (very much NOT LIVE on the west coast) show and NO ONE is buying it. Not should they. He even invoked Juan Pablo as he tells us that we are going to see the raw footage of the final scene... 

Meet the Fam in Peru: 
All I care about is the fact that we get to hear the word “Cusco” over and over again tonight.

Lauren walks out on her balcony to journal... in a leather jacket with some champagne.

You know what I have to be, to journal? TOTALLY SOBER.

Lauren goes to meet his family and tells Arie: “I hope that I don’t freak out and act weird.” Arie lamely responds: "Just be yourself." Which means: don't freak out and act weird. Also, what constitutes "freaking out and acting weird" for Lauren? Telling bad Knock Knock Jokes?

I love that the brother leads with the producer-fed question of “what date stands out?” Lauren proceeds to have NO answer for him, and instead basically says: “This has been different for me because I’m like, not cool…” Actually, when I say she "basically" said that, I mean "she intoned it in a basic manner." That is her actual quote.

Kelly walked in the door with a bouquet of roses and I told her “Lauren is meeting his family and is trash. The only highlight so far is that they’re in Cusco, Peru…”

KELLY: (singing) CUUUUUSCOOOOO!!!
GRACE: Exactly.

Arie whines that he has to spend a lot of time reassuring Lauren. 

HEY ARIE:

Is this blonde chick Arie’s sister or sister-in-law? Cause her hair extensions are ROUGH.

SISTER (in law?): Can you talk to her all night long?
ARIE: Um.
KELLY: Those were sex eyes! He doesn’t talk to her all night, he sexes her all night!

Sister in Law says that Lauren IS a cool girl. Whom do we even believe now?

Kelly and I then get into a conversation of who is worse: Lauren B or Lauren B. (From Arie or Ben’s season) I say from Arie’s. Kelly says from Ben’s. And proceeds to speak with SUCH vitriol that I almost have to agree with her. I mean VITRIOL

We talk about how Ben's Lauren was clearly just in it for the fame. Which could definitely make her worse. I'm slowly beginning to see Kelly's side of things.

Now Becca goes to meet Arie's fam.

KELLY: Gosh Arie’s mom is just so SCARY in the FACE! I keep thinking I’m going to get used to it and I don’t.

Interesting that Arie’s dad asks Becca if she gets along with Lauren. This is also interesting because we never get to hear the girls dish on other girls this late in the game. Becca very gently threw Lauren under the bus by mentioning that she doesn't really open up. Ok also v weird that the whole family keeps bringing up Lauren. But then again we are only seeing 7 minutes of a five hour date... Other sidenote: I’m totally here for the baby goat with the flower crown.

ARIE: What did you guys think?
AUSTIN: (walking in the room, having never seen an episode in his life) Who are these people?
GRACE: Strangers from Cusco. 

KELLY: CUUUSCOOOO!!

Ok the fam definitely likes Becca more. I wonder how that will influence his decision.

ARIE: This is probably the biggest decision of my life. Maybe.
GRACE: He’s saying that like there were a lot of other things in the running for that...

Meanwhile back at the live show: Caroline shows up and tells Chris Harrison that she still is pissed off about what Arie did. Shoutout to my friend Megan being on a flight with Caroline yesterday. I told Megan to harass her for answers, but she fortunately did not.

Final Date: Lauren 

WAIT WHEN DID ARIE AND LAUREN MEET IN DALLAS?!?! 

Update: Apparently she came to one of his "races," and met him. She showed him a picture of it on the first night but it was cut from the episode. 

I still hate her, but she definitely seems more comfortable than she has this entire season. Which means it's taken her the ENTIRE season to be as comfortable with him as Becca was on their first date. They go to Machu Picchu and I'm honestly surprised that Arie didn’t tell Lauren that this was a “vintage town.' 

AUSTIN: Is he biting his lip right now?
KELLY: YES HE BITES HIS LIP ALL THE TIME LIKE HE’S SOME NEWBIE AT THE DRAMA OF HIGH SCHOOL. LIKE, ‘KISS ME JONATHAN, IT’S PROM NIGHT”
ARIE: I could tell you that she has a speckle in her left eye. 

GRACE: Literally no one could possibly care less.

As they sit on the couch that night and blandly explain their feelings to each other… I realize that I do, in fact, hate her more than Ben’s Lauren B. The fact that she apparently has ACTUAL feelings for him (more than Lauren B had for Ben) make me somehow hate her more. She tells him “We see the world in the same way” SERIOUSLY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! What WAY could she possibly see the world? As like, sunny? She could see that the sun is shining and Arie can too? When you say you "see the world the same way" as someone, it usually means you have similar views about things like immigration and white collar crime... I somehow don't think Lauren has heard of either of those things.

ARIE: When you close your eyes at night, what do you see our life like?
MATT: Oh good one, Arie- closing your eyes at night, imagine that!
KELLY: Matt’s got the jokes!
MATT: Gimme about twenty minutes. I’m just getting warmed up. 

Lauren and Arie say 'I love you' to each other about 923847 times and Lauren tells the camera, “I don’t think Arie would have let me say all those things if he knew he was picking Becca…” Hi, Lauren, quick spoiler alert, over here: HE TOTALLY WOULD.

Back to the live show: ohhhhh Sienne has lost her voice and is throwing SHADE about it.

Bekah M keeps serving up her truth by saying that if Arie is this conflicted then he shouldn’t propose… WELL WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT WENT DOWN WHEN BRAD WOMACK DID IT. 

Final Date: Becca

My biggest question about these final dates is where is the production assistant? Why are these women lighting the candles themselves? Also why didn't Lauren give him a gift of like, all her dried rose petals? Is Becca going to give him one? 

Becca says that she can’t imagine never seeing Arie again or never talking to him again (Update: OH IF ONLY SHE KNEW. If only she knew a) the realness of this possibility and b) let's talk about how never talking to him again IS a possibility for her. You know for whom it ISN'T a possibility? Arie. Cause you know whose DMs he keeps sliding into? Legit everyone's.

Watching Arie and Becca, the Living Room Peanut Gallery had an epiphany that most Bachelors are pretty good about keeping their feelings compartmentalized and kind of veiled. ARIE IS SUCH A SIMPLETON THAT HE CAN’T EVEN DO THAT. He is so transparent that when Becca says “How are you feeling about things?” instead of saying “Just focus on us!” he says “Well yeah I’m def thinking about proposing to another girl." 

Becca presents Arie with a gift (because of course) and it definitely looks like they sent the PA to the Peruvian Michael's for these stickers.. AND OMG THE STORK WHYYYY!! MAYDAY MAYDAY!! It was all ok until that moment. 

Although let us observe that this sticker book has "let's do the damn thing" in it, which is now the THIRD time she has brought us that phrase... Which means that if Arie proposes to her tomorrow and DOESN'T use that phrase, then this was all in vain. (Update: it was all in vain)

FINAL ROSE (CEREMONY)

Ok well Becca is clearly more of a rational journal-er, journaling here with tea, right now.

Also worth noting that neither woman asked Arie if he’d said “I love you” to the other woman, like JoJo did when she had her bathroom meltdown with Ben, on their final date.

What I really love about this proposal set up is the smattering of llamas and that muddy river in the background. 

AUSTIN: Twist! Flash flood! They all die. 

GRACE: Different show. 

OHHHHH Lauren is the first one out of the limo. Girl BYE! 

She gets through her whole spiel about how she's in love with him, he rejects her and has... nothing to say. Legit nothing. Is basically like, "It's not you" and then walks her to the car in SILENCE.

Lauren is wondering how he could possibly not know whom he was going to chose on the morning of but then propose to Becca three hours later, which is, quite possbily, the most logical thing she’s ever said. 

Then we get Becca. Who wore a dress that was designed in the way that Tia's rose ceremony dress SHOULD HAVE been designed.

BECCA: Arie, as soon as I stepped out of the limo, I was in awe of you…
GRACE: Really? You were?
KELLY: Shhh, she’s basic too. Don’t forget. Just not as basic as Lauren, but pretty basic.

IS HE GOING TO SAY “ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING” OR ISN'T HE?! (Update: he isn't)

THIS WAS LITERALLY THE WORST PROPOSAL OF ALL TIME!! HOW COULD HE NOT SAY “REBECCA JILL ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING?!” EVEN *I* KNOW THAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT AND I HAVEN'T BEEN DATING HER FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS!!!

The rose!! THE BROKEN ROSE, YOU GUYS!!

For real tho

Aaaaaand now we get to the break up. 

Couple of things: 

- I truly believe Becca did not see this coming. The final couple meets up every few weeks after the proposal, and this was just another one of those times. They probably told her they were just filming an update about their relationship and BOOM Arie walked in and broke up with her. 

- I think they played the raw footage JUST so they could say they were doing something unprecedented. It went on for way too long. It also FURTHER continued to expose Arie for being a clueless moron wafer, as he broke her heart and had NOTHING TO SAY. NOTHING! He sat there! And then he somehow couldn't find her in the bathroom?! We all SCREAMED when he knocked on the door and said “hey are you ok" ARE YOU *KIDDING* ME?!?! 

BECCA: You shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee.
GRACE: OR WHEN YOU DID YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID ‘REBECCA JILL ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING”

She told him to leave. He did. Then he came back. She told him she was embarrassed. And that he should leave.

CAROLYN: Why is he still here?
GRACE: Literally for the affirmation. He wants her to tell him that she doesn't hate him or throw herself in his arms and beg him to take her back. 

I can't believe this. I was JUST getting over the fact that I couldn't believe that they made Arie The Bachelor and NOW THIS. What a schmuck!! 

I also can't stop thinking about how she said: "Well you finally saw me cry." I mean, it makes sense that he wouldn't see her cry when they're in the honeymoon phase, but also why was that a thing he'd brought up?!

CAROLYN: This is staged. She's too calm. 

KELLY: She had to bury her father. This is emotional pennies to her.

So I'd like to reiterate that it was NOT staged (this was also verified on Twitter by several of Arie's friends, who have NO reason to throw him under the bus) but also that no one was twisting Arie's arm to make him film it. You don't think he could've called her up and said "I'm calling it off, act surprised?" He totally could have and chose not to. Probably because he knew this was more dramatic, would get more viewers and would get him more Instagram followers. 

SPINELESS 👏 PALE 👏 PATHETIC 👏 LOT 👏

Final thought: if I were Lauren (and it sounds like she's gonna take him back) I'd want to see a) his proposal and b) the breakup. Because I'd want to confront him about the fact that he told Becca "I choose you today and everyday forever" AND I'd confront him about the cowardly way that he broke up with her. If Lauren takes him back (ESPECIALLY if she's seen this footage) she only has herself to blame. 

They better make Becca the next Bachelorette. Hope we find out tonight. Til then, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

If You Don't Know, You Know.

Ok so we had a full house tonight. And by "house," I obviously mean: "Peanut Gallery." Peanuts included: myself, Johnny, Carolyn, Kellyanne Conway, Boozer, Madison, and Matt.

LOL jk Kellyanne wasn't there.

ARIE: I could fall in love in Peru.
JOHNNY: Same, tbh. Actually just put me on that pretty balcony and I'm pretty sure I could find love. With those pink blooms.
GRACE: Matt, how much do you know about The Bachelor?
MATT: Well I know Josh Murray really well.
GRACE: I don't care that you know Josh Murray really well (although he DID hawk Advocare for a while and I have been a patron of theirs for over a decade) What you need to know is that it's down to three women.

KENDALL:

Kendall runs up to Arie and throws her arms AND legs around him, because apparently there is no other way to greet anyone, ever. They get in a dune buggy and Mad Max their way through the Peruvian desert. 

JOHNNY: I dare you take your mask off and take in a bunch of sand!
ARIE: I could be married to Kendall, she’s fun.
JOHNNY: She can’t even stand up right now. If he wants a microwave version of her then he should pick Lauren B. 

I honestly really couldn't even tell you what Arie and Kendall talked about. She said she was quirky because she likes dead animals and plays the ukulele, and I had to smack the side of my head several times to retrieve my eyeballs that had rolled into the back of my skull. SPEAKING OF SELF-DESCRIPTIONS - ya'll remember when one of our friends asserted that he was a "very stable genius?" This was, in my opinion, the most thoughtful response, and you all should read it. It's quick:

https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/01/how-actual-smart-people-talk-about-themselves/549878/

Bottom line: IF YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE THE THING, YOU'RE NOT THE THING, KENDALL.

She accepted the fantasy suite. Her skin looks fine without makeup. Don't forget to moisturize after being in the sun all day, Kendall. 

LAUREN B:

BOOZER: Why do they all jump up in his arms?
CAROLYN: Cause they’re skinny enough to do that.
JOHNNY: And they have daddy issues.
ARIE: I'm so excited to see Lauren running towards me.
JOHNNY: (As Arie) Even with a plane behind me, Lauren is all I could see.

Arie definitely learned the word “geoglyph” today.

I honestly couldn’t even tell you what this conversation between Arie and Lauren on this cafe patio was about. I think she was trying to be deep. But I am also so bored by her that I can’t even focus on her words. Anything that starts with “I like, do this thing in my head…” is never going to end well. I think shes trying to tell him that she doesn’t trust him because he’s dating other girls… but like, didn’t she know what she was signing up for?

Actual footage of Lauren fighting herself in her head

WHOA HE JUST SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO HER OMG OMG THEY’VE NE'ER SAID IT THIS EARLY. WHAT IS HAPPENING. He is Ben Higgins on steroids. DIDN'T HE LEARN FROM BEN?!?! 

MAAAAYDAAAAY

WAIT WHY ARE THEY PLAYING “HOW DO I LIVE” RIGHT NOW DURING THE FANTASY SUITE WHAT IS HAPPENING I DON’T UNDERSTAND I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION Guys, It had to cost so much money to license this song, I AM SO OVERWHELMED. What could they POSSIBLY be trying to accomplish by playing this song right now? 

Update: I spoke to our music department. They said it would've cost at least $30,000 to license the cover, would've been north of $50,000 to license the original. I see no other way to proceed than to list my questions:

1) AT WHAT POINT was this decision made? Because (usually) the episode is built by a story producer and an editor. Then reviewed by a co-executive producer. Then executive producers. When in that chain of command did they make this call? Did one of the story producers suggest it and then send it up the chain? Or was an EP like, "Get a song in there?" 

2) WHY did they need a lyrical song? We NEVER hear songs with lyrics (pretty much at any point in the show, unless it's Juan Pablo playing Josh Ratchet from his iPhone on his final date with Clare) and we CERTAINLY never hear them during the fantasy suite date. 

3) Why go for the cover, and not the original? If they have 30k to burn, why not shell out the extra 20k and get Leann Rimes in there? 

4) Were Arie and Lauren consulted about this? Did they say "hey, what's y'all's song?" and put it in there? If so, does that mean that they did it because he CHOOSES Lauren, or was it a consolation prize because he told her he loves her but DOESN'T choose her?

**UPDATE: the song was covered by Laura Fleiss... Oh, does the name "Fleiss" sound familiar to you? If so, THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE LAURA FLEISS IS MARRIED TO THE SHOW CREATOR MIKE FLEISS. Still trying to get to the bottom of an actual cost report. Stay tuned. 

This is seriously the biggest conundrum of this entire franchise that has ever happened. I am going to be chewing in this for WEEKS to come. I'll definitely let you guys know if I ever get any updates. I can't believe I just typed out four individual questions I had about this, as though I were Robert Mueller gearing up to interview DJT, but it happened and I'm not gonna fight it.

BECCA:

Becca runs up and ONCE AGAIN, embraces Arie with both her arms and her legs. It's a pretty overcast day, yet they're going out on a boat. How quaint. Hope they're wearing sunscreen.

Arie points out a seal

JOHNNY: Oh look there’s me.

GRACE: Johnny, I think we need to go to a Charlie Puth concert.
JOHNNY: There are very few things I would rather do LESS than that.
GRACE: Which is why we need to do it.
JOHNNY: I would rather fill my shoes with fish and not take them off for a week than do that.
GRACE: Exactly. We need to go.
JOHNNY: Honestly… if we went I would make t-shirts. That had the “Poo” emoji followed by “TH.” You know what, I’ll go. I just talked myself into it.,


HE HAS NOW SAID I LOVE YOU TO BOTH OF THEM. EVEN EARLIER THAN BEN HIGGINS DID AHHHHHHHHH

She accepts the fantasy suite, and it's a tent in the desert. Great, more sand.

They venture out of the tent for a picnic breakfast the next morning and honestly the fact that they are exposed in the sun right now is so disturbing to me. It's first thing in the morning and you KNOW that they're probably not wearing sunscreen.

GRACE: I mean, even when I am MARRIED, I would never let my mother see footage of me in a bathrobe the morning after. NEVER!
JOHNNY: Obviously. I could have told you that after knowing you for three days.

Then we get to the ex boyfriend... The entire living room was convinced that he was an ex of Lauren B, because that accent seemed to indicate Virginia Beach... But as soon as we heard Becca's sound bite of "Nothing could get me down at this point..." WE KNEW.

So then this guy shows up. They try to obscure his face at first, as we hear him say "I don't want cameras, I just want my girl..." And then goes onto allege that he didn't know the show ended in a proposal.

Honestly if I met ANY man from the age range of 20 to 40 who DID NOT know that this show ends in a proposal, I would run for the hills.

Also just a production note: by playing the audio of him saying "I don't want any cameras" before we saw his face, we were made to believe "Oh maybe there's a chance we won't even see him because he does it all behind closed doors because he's really just there for love..." SPOILER ALERT: You can't even go on camera until you've signed a release. He knew he was going to be filmed. He wanted to be filmed. And by "filmed" I mean "get Instagram followers."


BOOZER: He is so cute!
JOHNNY: Keep it in your pants, Boozer.

I love that Arie called him a… nerd. The unclassiest of nerds.

When Arie says “He goes from… being broken up to… I’m gonna propose… WHAT” The "what" was by far and away the MOST emotion he has ever shown.

The Living Room pretty quickly decided that Ross must be pretty annoying in real life. He came here with aluminum foil on his flowers (did his mom put them together?) and didn't even PROPOSE to her (After he told Arie "it's my proposal to give") didn't pull out a ring... Was just like, "I've been thinking about you..." Now I WILL say that there is NO CHANCE that the producers hadn't been calling him for weeks saying things like, "Becca keeps talking about you..." cause there's no way he would've shown up, otherwise. But he doesn't even have a ring! Becca tells him that he expects everything to be like the Notebook and he can't just show up like this. And honestly NO ONE can expect everything to be like the Notebook unless you're Ryan Gosling. She sends him home and goes to talk to Arie.

We all SCREAMED when Arie and Becca said the Krystal “Heeeey” at the same time. Can’t rewind because it’s live but Johnny legit almost fell out of his chair. He was kind of lowkey into Ross's spiel for about sixteen seconds before I snapped him out of it:

If everyone took a drink everytime the word “know” was said in this scene between Becca and Arie… “I know.. you know…. I don’t know… but you know… I don’t know…” I mean, that was really something else, you know?

It’s kind of cool that Arie is worried that “Becca might still have some feelings for Ross” when she a) didn’t let him in her room and b) WHEN HE HAS SAID I LOVE YOU TO ANOTHER WOMAN NOT TWENTY FOUR HOURS BEFORE.


Arie: I’m so excited to end this in a proposal. I feel good going into next week,” ALL THREE GIRLS THINK HE’S TALKING ABOUT THEM.

Arie pulls Kendall aside, sends her home, and we all collectively yawned. She'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise.

So deeply excited for next week. Hopefully that criminal conviction of Arie's will have gone through the court system and we'll find out what on Earth Caroline was talking about when she told him "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID (last summer)."

I will leave you all with the greatest line ever said on TV from my favorite too-short-lived Go On:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

A Buffet of Glitter and Mic Drops...

Seriously WHERE do we even begin? I guess I’ll get back to the basic – “’write what you know,’ so they say…” let’s hit some pop culture updates:

- In a conclusion that EVERYONE saw coming – Black Panther totally eclipsed Fifty Shades by like, a billion. And no one is mad.

- Oh! Do yourself a favor and follow TextFromMother on Instagram. It was inspired by a crazy text from the mother of a certain roommate of mine, and an entire account was born. Also send us screenshots of the crazy stuff your mom says. Merp.
- Kacey Musgraves released two new songs and I haven’t stopped listening.

- Fransisco Cantu’s “The Line Becomes A River” is my latest read and it is PHENOMENAL. It’s about life along the U.S. Mexico border and it’s like Hillbilly Elegy meets a Donald Miller book and I love it. 11/10 would recommend.

https://www.amazon.com/Line-Becomes-River-Dispatches-Border/dp/0735217718

- Not really related to pop culture but if anyone in Pennsylvania can get me a date with Conor Lamb I’d be SO down.

Ok. Women Tell All. BOY did it deliver, you guys! I feel like we got everything we were expecting from people like Bekah and HurricaneKrystal and then there were darkhorses like Caroline (WHAT did Arie do?!!? Does she know about him robbing a 7 Eleven in his past?! WHAT)

Our Peanut Gallery numbers were low due to previous engagements – it was just Kelly, Boozer, and myself.

The first thing we notice is that Hare has cut his HAIR! This is a strong start. Also sorry for not being able to pay attention fully to this episode because I’m still combing the audience shots for my face, hoping one of the poor assistant editors weeded over the audience shots of the Bachelor in Paradise taping because I gave them SO MUCH GOOD FOOTAGE to use of my face.

Uh, where is Maquel?

Someone clearly handed Hare an index card with generic questions to ask the women, and all we learn is Jenna was excited that Arie was The Bachelor because she likes older men… This whole thing really should’ve been a montage of “We wished that the Bachelor was Peter…”

Ohhh and we quickly get into glam shaming. Brittany telling Marikh, “you’re trying to make it a thing and it’s not a thing” is my favorite thing. I understand that Marikh was irked that Chelsea told Arie that she was constantly checking her reflection. She tried to justify said primping by saying “My hair looked like s***!” And you know what the REAL problem with the whole thing is, Marikh? If you’re too busy combing your hair and separating your eyelashes, it means that you think your appearance is the best thing you have to offer. Maybe the ONLY thing you have to offer. Which just isn’t a good look, ok? 

Kelly quickly pointed out that all of Bibiana’s dress was blurred, because it was so… unsuitably placed. Yes, “unsuitably placed” is a euphemism, because we all know what the dress was REALLY (not) doing.

Bekah chose to go for the jugular when she pointed out that even though her age was lower, she scored higher than most of the women on communication and conflict resolution. And you know what? She isn’t wrong. Also worth pointing out: everyone probably wanted to pick on her for being the young one because everyone is actually envious that she possesses way more skin elasticity and collagen in her cells than they do. (Oh, no one else is jealous of that? It’s just me being a crazy old witch lady that's chasing after youth? Whatever)

Ok so our quick assessment is that Krystal got a nose job... right? I mean that thang looks way more narrow than it used to be... doesn't it? As much as I like to be a witch lady seeking youth, I am no plastic surgery expert...

Whoaaaaa we were taken aback by that footage of her in the bathroom. You KNOW that the producer walked out of there, grabbed the sound guy and said "TELL ME THAT YOU WERE PICKING UP HER AUDIO." Audio guy probably got a raise that day...

New Favorite Caroline hit Krystal with some more realness: “I believe the things you say but I don’t believe them when you say them." Honestly I feel that way about a lot of people. Probably specifically our commander in chief, but that's just me.

The unwillingness of the girls to take it when Krystal said “Maybe I was focused on my relationship with Arie” was amazing. They had ZERO time for her.

OHHHH interesting that Hare asked Sienne how men usually deal with the fact that she is a total package. A rather insightful question, given his usual breakfast tray of cliche questions. They tried to act like they were hinting that she could be the Bachelorette so we might all think ABC is woke, but she isn't going to be the next Bachelorette.

Interesting that Bekah is really ranting about Tia, and ranting about people being ageist, in general. I think she wanted a platform to stand on to give her more airtime, which is cool, but if she really wanted to come after them, she could have pointed out: "Insecure girls will often look for something to pick on, to make themselves feel better. Mine just happened to be my age."Also the way that she addresses Arie’s insecurity about age and Tia faulting her for not being at the same place is TERRIBLY articulate and I am HERE for it. Just wish she had put on a shirt.

Kelly proceeded to ask the important question: why haven’t we heard more about Annaliese’s bumper car trauma tonight? We didn't hear a single word from her!

Chris says that Tia was one of the most painful goodbyes… DEFINITELY the most painful goodbye was Peter and Rachel, a thousand hands down, no questions. 

Guys... did Tia really have feelings for Arie? Like, why is she crying right now? Is Weiner THAT small of a town, that she just hasn't met humans? 

She'll be great on BIP.

I can’t believe that they made Arie the Bachelor, I know we’re at the Women Tell All and it’s kind of late in the season but like… I’m still just SO shocked. I needed to say that.

Krystal wants to start with Arie’s goodbye being… cold. 

I mean, I honestly didn't even take any notes during this section because I was so transfixed by the TV screen. Arie has ZERO flips left to give, so he let Krystal HAVE IT, and he is so far down in the trenches, away from my affinity, that this definitely didn't make me like him an OUNCE more, but it sure was super fun to watch, MERCY. And I mean, yay for Krystal's brother... I guess? But when you've spent your television career sabotaging other people, we really don't care about the charity of your brother...

I love how much Hare thinks that we love the bloopers… Seriously no one cares about them. And they were 0% funny because this season is 100% basic. The ONLY thing they were good for is setting up John Cena's very welcomed "Merp" at the end. 

Final witch lady comment of the day: LESLIE MANN HAS FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH AND I LEGIT CANNOT HANDLE IT. She looks exactly like she did in George of the Jungle and I am SLAIN every time I see her face. (Also honorable mention to Megan Mullally, because she is aging EXCEPTIONALLY well.)

Meanwhile I'm literally over here like:

Ok. Fantasy Suite date commentary up soon. We had a full house for that one. (The delay is because I REFUSE to publish half-finished jokes. I won't do it.)

Till then - if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Tia, Tamara Will Be Waiting For You Outside...

Well a good morning to everyone who hasn't been indicted by Robert Mueller yet!! (Although honestly he could indict Arie for being just the WORST.)

Quick Poll: Bekah M's tears last week... real or fake? I know we saw that one crocodile tear fall down her face, but other than that, we saw NO 👏ACTUAL👏TEARS👏. I have been feuding with my boss about it for over a week now because he is saying I don't have a heart and I'm telling him he's being hoodwinked by Bekah... what do you guys think? Seriously - holler at me. 

A few pop culture things we need to discuss:

- I had to take a personal day last Wednesday to mourn the loss of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's marriage. And by "mourn the loss of" I mean "go to the spa and get a hydration-rejuvenation facial because I need to be READY to sweep Theroux off his feet. (Are hydration-rejuvenation facials a thing? I think they are) 

- I'm reading this amazing book right now called Text Me When You Get Home and it's about the amazing bond of female friendships and you all should read it, ASAP. (And to my .07 male readers, maybe you should read it to further your understanding of how AMAZING women are)
https://www.amazon.com/Text-When-You-Get-Home/dp/1101986123

- Fergie's national anthem... YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! I am still left speechless by it, to be quite honest. I really don't even know where to begin. Except that she should fire the person who bolted awake in the dead of night and thought "I KNOW! Fergie should do a fresh take on the national anthem!" (Spoiler alert: YOU SHOULD NEVER DO A FRESH TAKE ON THE NATIONAL ANTHEM) 

- Johnny and I partook in our annual Valentine's Day tradition of dinner and a terrible movie this weekend. Which means I HAVEN'T seen Black Panther yet, but I HAVE seen Fifty Shades Freed. Two things I have to say: 1) Johnny, sorry for aggressively punching you in the arm over and over again while Jamie Dornan sang "Maybe I'm Amazed" because I was so uncomfortable that all I could do was sock you in the arm, 2) Honestly everyone who wants to go into screenwriting should see this movie because it is a fascinating study of... how to have ZERO plot. I'm not even joking there was NOT a single plot line in this movie and it was kind of insane and awe-inducing. I have lots of thoughts on the actors in the movie and I'm happy to share them with anyone, but WE MUST GET TO THE HOMETOWN DATES WITH FUTURE MUELLER-INDICTEE, Bachelor Bland Man. 

Living Room Peanut Gallery tonight: Carolyn, Kelly, Erica (Boozer) and Lennyn

KENDALL:
Well I CAN confirm that Kendall DID grow up in Los Angeles because my friend Eric went to high school with her. He maybe dated her, I'm not really sure. I'll try and get more details. Last week I sat in Eric's office for a solid twenty minutes as I flipped through US Weekly and gave commentary about every single page (Sorry, Eric + everyone in that office. But they made it seem on the cover like Carrie Underwood's husband abuses her and I just can't stand for false advertising) 

What I can NOT confirm is Kendall being into taxidermy right now. They legit found a warehouse with a bunch of dead animals. Kendall has probably touched ONE dead animal in her whole lifetime (Eric says she wasn't into dead animals in high school)

CAROLYN: I wonder if I’d be allergic to those… dead animals. 

Is NO ONE going to try and fix Kendall up with Kirk's dad from Ali Fedotowsky's season? Because this is absolutely NOT the first room full of dead animals that we've experienced on this show.

Honestly this wigged-out-by-dead-animals Arie is the MOST real we’ve seen him. He is SO uncomfortable around these dead animals and it’s the most charming he’s been because it is the most emotion he’s shown, maybe ever.

To the Production Assistant that made the diorama of Paris for the dead rats to get married in…. I see you and I salute you.

ARIE: if Kendall and I get married, she can have her taxidermy room and I can work on cars.

BOOZER: And you kids will go to school and tell EVERYONE how weird you guys are.

Yeah ok we need to talk about Kendall's breathing. Why is she always out of breath? The acting teacher that lives deep down inside of me and rears her head at mostly inopportune moments would interrupt Kendall's scene right now and make her do some mega breathing exercises. She is not in her body nor is she on her breath. If you don't know what those terms mean then take an Intro to Acting class and get back to me.

Kind of hard to believe that NO ONE saw fit to make a Kendall and Kylie joke, but that is, in fact, the name of her twin sister. Glad they at least did their hair differently, so Arie could tell them apart. You know he's so brainless that he'd start hitting on the other one if they looked similar enough.

Furry white throw aside, this patio furniture that they're sitting on 100% came from Ralph’s.

Glad the producer’s talked the sister into giving Arie an energy reading. Also love that sister wore the platform shoes that I had in sixth grade. Kylie just gets better and better.

LENNYN: I feel like Kendall is going to pass out at any moment.

KENDALL: It’s hard for me to talk about emotions

CAROLYN: Is it?

BOOZER: Cause you were pretty articulate with Krystal…


TIA

Tia is “challenging herself” to “do things outside her comfort zone” and Arie is LOVING it. What he’s really loving is that he gets to drive a race car. I'm honestly more impressed by the fact that I remembered that "race car" is a palindrome. Cars kicking up dust is very unmoving to me.

Tia tells Arie who he will be meeting at her house… And I need to say right now that every good play that’s ever been written has a cousin named Rhonda….

LENNYN: Her mom is really giving me Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers. 

Honestly it’s great that they’re raising pigs in a blanket to toast to Tia and "Airy" as her dad called him.

Raise 'em up.

Tia’s dad’s mustache is EPIC. Arie is certainly more engaged with Tia’s dad than he was with Kendall’s. Don't really know what that means, but it's a fact.

Apparently this has already made the rounds on social media, but Lennyn aptly pointed out that Tia’s mom’s spirit canine is: 

I am unmoved by Tia's brother. He was trying to be intimidating like the producers wanted him to be, but he said nothing of substance. 

BECCA:

The whole Living Room Peanut Gallery decided that we need to go to an apple orchard ASAP. Carolyn said she'd never had a desire to go and pick apples... but then we saw the apple slingshot and caramel apples and were SOLD.

Arie is 100% more himself with Becca than he is with Kendall or Tia. Again, he is Bachelor Bland Man, and so I don't even think this is particularly telling, but it's definitely a fact. 

Arie goes into meet Becca's family, sits down with Uncle Gary, who proceeds to have his body turned COMPLETELY away from Arie, on the couch right now. Doesn't seem too engaging for a pastor?

Arie proceeds to tell Uncle Gary that he "isn't as far along in his faith' as Becca, but he would go to church with her. Aaaaaand this is where I call the game and tell you that it will NEVER work out between these two. Bye!

Where’s Becca’s sister?

Becca’s mom coming in STRONG with the thoughtful question: in successful relationships that you know, what makes it work?

Another fact: Arie DOES use the word “wife” with Becca more than anyone else.

Becca tells Arie that he is "stealing pieces of her heart” I can get into that, but I feel like Becca is so hopeful that this is all a set up. He's gonna pick Lauren B, right? Ugh. He's the worst.

Lauren B

The Living Room Peanut gallery has SO many strong thoughts about Lauren. I kept saying how I think Arie is going to pick her because... she's so pretty, Finally Carolyn goes "I really don't think she's that pretty. You think she's the prettiest one there? No way." And upon reflection, I realized: "No I don't think she's the prettiest one there, but I think Arie does. Lauren is the kind of pretty that guys are just INTO, even though she's a total dullard..." 

KELLY: Maybe he likes her because she’s SO bland that it makes him feel interesting. He thinks “I’M SO DYNAMIC COMPARED TO THIS BRICK WALL” 

The two of them puttered around Virginia Beach and I am mega bored. 

Lennyn pointed out that this lighthouse has the word “slay” written on one of the windows. If we could spend ZERO more time watching them make out, I'd be pleased. 

Anyone else find it kind of startling that Arie has apparently NEVER met ANYONE in the military? Then at dinner he suddenly stepped away from the table because he is having a full on MELTDOWN. WHY DOES HE LIKE LAUREN B SO MUCH I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH A BAD INDICATION OF THE STATE OF MEN IN AMERICA.

Ooohhhhh then he REALLY won Dad over with his ONE story about seeing Air Force planes. Thank you for your service, Lauren's Dad, but HOW could he be so easily won over?

Laruen’s mom asked him some questions and… then shook Arie's hand. Then held Lauren's hand as she... cried about how similar she is to Arie. No, that isn't hyperbole, that is TRULY why she was crying.

LAUREN: Mom he’s so much like me. I can look at him in a room of 15 girls and know what he’s thinking.

GRACE: ANYONE can tell you what a guy in a room of fifteen girls is thinking. He’s thinking “I’m a guy in a room full of fifteen girls.” 

Rose Ceremony: 
OMG THERE IS A BENCH OUTSIDE THE MANSION FOR THE GOODBYE. If that doesn't shake the girls up when they walk in then I don't know what will.

ARIE: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

GRACE: Is it?

ARIE: It really is.

GRACE: Did he hear me through Alexa? I'm not even mad.

ARIE: This is really hard. I need a minute.

GRACE: Is he gonna have another panic attack?

LENNYN: I honestly hope so. It would make things way more interesting. 

He pulls Kendall aside... the other girls huddle and I love their whisper strategizing… And how Laruen B has contributed NOTHING.

KELLY: Cause she knows she has it in the bag!

Kendall gets the final rose.

HARE: Tia, I’m sorry, take a moment, say your goodbyes.,

BOOZER: Tamara will be waiting outside for you.

Tia… we feel for you, we are WITH YOU, we are ALL Tia. And on that note of solidarity, I want to leave you with this depressing Washington Post piece, about the bird version of Tia:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp/2018/02/02/nigel-the-worlds-loneliest-bird-dies-next-to-the-concrete-decoy-he-loved/

IF YOU'RE A BIRD I'M A BIRD...

Wait… Guys… Arie and the rats right now. This is so charming! I don’t even know how to cope with this! And then the Krystal rat! I am slain. God bless America. This is the Arie that we want and that we will NEVER have.

A Rose by Any Other Name...

Ok let's get the most important thing out of the way: Arie's 24601 tattoo. Refinery 29 did a great breakdown of this story. In the midst of viciously partisan government shutdowns, potential obstructions of justice on all sides, and the constant threat of global uproar due to climate change, it's important to remember the critical things: 

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/12/185675/arie-luyendyk-bachelor-les-miserables-tattoo

Also 63 more days 'til Comey's book comes out. Also everybody beware and don't be fooled by Russian bots before the 2018 midterms. (I really feel like the best thing we can do is all call our Aunt Marma up in Michigan and warn her against the trolls... I don't even have an Aunt Marma in Michigan but if I did, you know she'd have the wool pulled over her eyes by the bots...) 

Let's start with a shout-out to the producer who somehow convinced Lauren B to look at the tower in Pisa and ask: “Why do you think it’s leaning?”

Honestly it's like Lauren B is somehow the contestant that America has earned. No one knows why she's here. Or how she got this far. Or why she has NEVER understood structural and foundation issues with architecture, but alas. Here we are. We deserve her. 

I love that Hare meets the girls in the public square. Could they please stage the scene where Romeo kills Tybalt, right here? I feel like this is the street square where that scene took place. Hare could quote Romeo to them: "Courage man, the hurt cannot be much..." 🌹🌹🌹🌹

So then we see the beginning of Jacqueline's downward spiral and we come to understand that she doesn’t know if she’s in love with Arie or in love with being in love… Aaaaaand we now OFFICIALLY know that Jacqueline is too smart for Arie and for this show.

JACQUELINE: I’m not sure I can visualize his conversation with my parents.

JOHNNY: I think she’s ashamed of him. Is that what’s happening?

One on One: Becca K 

Ok look I'm  just gonna be really vulnerable with you guys: I didn’t wanna rush into things. I wanted to take it slow... but I DEVOURED a whole serving of pot stickers, just now. In about five minutes. Our current Living Room Peanut Gallery consists of Carolyn, Madison, Kelly, a whole bunch of Chinese food and... Everyone's favorite participant: JOHNNY LANGAN! The only way I really know how to provide the rest of the commentary on this episode is with direct quotes. Get ready. 

Arie and Becca wander around whatever town in Italy this is, even though they've been in Pisa but are trying to peddle it to us as Tuscany, WHATEVER. He has pushed her up against a wall to palm her skull and make out with her NO LESS than 24,601 times. 

JOHNNY: Did you see that tattoo, Grace? She loves the Lord.

GRACE: That tattoo doesn’t mean she loves the Lord.

CAROLYN: What is it? A cross?

GRACE: Maybe it’s a T. We don’t know that it’s a cross.

JOHNNY: A “T” for what? Treasure? You think she walks around saying “This is a T for treasure?” Come on.

Arie pushes Becca against a(nother) wall. Apparently this is his ONLY move because we spent Emily's season watching him do it. Becca gets a rose to secure a hometown date. 

JOHNNY: I feel like I could feed him a bowl of dog food, tell him it’s really good, and he’d eat it and agree with me. He seems so earnest and eager to please.

Jacqueline proceeds to spiral out of control and decides to leave the show. Just a quick note about graceful exits - y'all remember Megan Bell from Farmer Chris's season? They were in Arizona or some random southwest state and she was just like, "Hi, I think I'm gonna go, bye!" We understood that she was leaving, no one was uncomfortable, and no one missed her. Mah gurl Jacqueline could've taken a note from Ms. Bell. Cause this was a whole lot of... something. First of all, she walked in there WITH HER HANDS IN HER SWEATER, which is the same way I walk into the living room when I need to ask Big Daddy for money. (LOL totally kidding I never ask BD for money)

She gets into the room and immediately starts downing wine. And I do mean CHUGGING. And it becomes very clear that Arie wants to be the one that breaks up with girls. 

GRACE: Oh he does not want to be broken up with. 

JOHNNY: Well who does? 

GRACE: No I mean that he can't stand for someone else to have the power. He wants the break up on HIS terms... 

CAROLYN: Yeah, someone is getting real defensive... 

ARIE: So are you not interested in me or are you scared of me?

CAROLYN: (as Arie) I just wanna make sure that it’s not about me, k thx bb. 

JOHNNY: (also as Arie) Yes, why DON’T you nuzzle my chest right now?

Kendall proceeds to have a stage IV breakdown about Jacqueline’s departure. Bursts into tears. Which is also a callback to Catherine crying when Sean Lowe sent My Best Friend Lesley home before hometowns. But it looks like Lez is gonna do JUUUUUST fine with DeanieBabies on Bachelor Winter Games, so whatevs. 

JACQUELINE: I feel like I kind of suck at being happy.

CAROLYN: Aw man, this is where I kind of get sad on this show. 

One on One: Lauren B

Apparently Lauren has never actually been on a bike before. Or seen a wall. Or consumed food. Johnny is growing increasingly concerned that we haven't seen any ACTUAL conversations with Arie, on this episode, just him talking about what is currently happening with the women. Literally saying "So these bikes are fun" AS THEY ARE RIDING BIKES. The LRPG approves of Arie's bike tricks, just for the record. 

ARIE: Have you ever played soccer?

LAUREN: Yeah when I was a kid.

KELLY: Which was literally five years ago.

This champagne glass of Lauren’s at dinner is legit the size of her head.

Lauren told Arie that she was falling in love with him. And he walked away. The whole living room surmises that he just had to take a leak. He came back to the table and gave her a rose but we fully expected him to say "Yeah I really just had to take a piss..." 

One on One: Sienne

I feel like a shirt that is ripped all the way down the middle is... NOT the best thing to wear to go truffle hunting… But I've never hunted truffles nor have I been on a single date in Italy, so whaddu I know? 

What I DO know is that we all love the dogs way more than we like Arie or Sienne. They find like, three truffles then head back to the house to cook a meal that ended up looking AMAZING. 

ARIE: I used to work at a pizza place.

KELLY: YOU WORKED AT PIZZA HUT, ARIE. I HATE YOU.

Fun fact: Kelly legit met this kid last weekend. 

SIENNE: (nervous laugh) This family keeps talking about love.

CAROLYN: You came on a reality show about love, do you think they wouldn’t talk about it.

JOHNNY: Send her home! She’s got life behind her eyes!

ARIE: I love the way love makes me feel and I love the culture.

JOHNNY: That sounds like my USC application that I wrote in 15 minutes later.

ARIE: I’m trying to be Logic.

GRACE: Like the singer? Isn't that a singer? 

KELLY: I’m trying to be logic, and emotion and also Common….

KELLY: I just think Sienne could do better.

GRACE: Oh she deserves way better, for sure.

KELLY: No I mean at PRETENDING that she wants to be here.

GRACE: Oh. Also very valid point. 

Sienne didn't get a rose. Then we saw a commercial WITH Common, and had forgotten all about Sienne... SIENNARA! 

3 ON 1: Bekah, Tia, & Kendall

Tia is so bored on this season that she has resorted to plotting to throw Bekah under the bus. Which kind of works, kind of doesn't. Who even knows anymore. Then she's STILL so bored that she decides to TELL BEKAH that she has attempted a bus throw. Bekah tries to cry about it. No really, that's what happens.

GRACE: Bekah was trying harder to cry than Minka Kelly did in season one of Friday Night Lights.

KELLY: Oh that was so good. God bless season one. And at least it was raining and so it looked like she was crying...
GRACE: Are you sure it was raining? I don't think it was raining... 

Update: we checked. There was no rain. But Tim Riggins 4eva.

Another update: Tim Riggins hair was wet. From sweating. But it was kind of always wet. From sweating. 

At this point Kelly and I spent at least four minutes of our lives that we will never get back watching a wonderfully crappy "Tim + Lyla = their story" video on youtube. Highly recommend this.

The only thing I have to say about Kendall on this date is that she's really into... the Bachelor. But she's not into Arie. She's like a really good canned script, saying all the right things to end up in the final two. Is it gonna come down between her and Lauren B? Kendall is still my favorite on this show, but her level of interest doesn't at all actually match up to who Arie is as a person. It's kind of baffling. But this show is such a snoozefest that I'm also kind of into it. 

CAROLYN: Bekah’s outfit is like… slutty Amish, or something.

JOHNNY: I prefer the term “prairie hipster”

BEKAH: My family knows me so well. I talk to them about everything all the time.

CAROLYN: Oh like how you ran away from home and were a MISSING PERSON?

BEKAH: I have grey hair!

ARIE: You old woman!

KELLY: Aww, they have so much in common.

Arie gives Kendall a rose. The Living Room is nearly asleep with boredom right now. Or maybe it's just a post-pot sticker coma. 

GRACE: This interaction with Bekah after dinner right now… It’s like it’s the movie scene where her character is dying…

JOHNNY: She’s Eponine! A little fall of rain! 24601! 

We proceeded to sing Les Miz for the rest of the night. Didn't even hear another word. Bekah didn't get a rose. She pretended to cry about it but cried ZERO actual tears. She really just could've offered a crying voice, not done the heaving and the sobbing sounds, cause that just made the whole thing way too fake... 

Can't wait for some fried armadillos, next week. Let the taxidermy jokes abound! 

If you're a (stuffed) bird, I'm a (stuffed) bird...