The One Thing I Know Is That I DON'T Know...

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Let me start with my phone call with my Dad this morning:
Big Daddy: Happy birthday! How was your show last night?
Grace: Oh it was great. And they knew it was my birthday today because next season we're getting not one, but TWO Bachelorettes. Happy Birthday to me. Nothing like some good ole fashioned misogyny to start off my quarter century...
Big Daddy: Ewwwww.
Grace: Misogyny, Dad. Mistreatment of women.
Big Daddy: Oh. I thought you said androgyny...

GET ON MY LEVEL, DAD.

Facts:
1) We don't have cable in our new apartment.
2) Esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member (but very sadly no-longer-roommate) Carolyn has not only cable, but some mega x-box crazy hook up, where you can say things like "X-BOX, PAUSE!" and it WILL.
3) EXCEPT... we didn't know how to work it.
4) BUT fortunately The Bachelor was trending on Twitter, so SOMEHOW we pulled it off of a random menu on the X-box, probably from the future, I don't even know, but it WORKED.

Wait... Maybe it didn't work. We definitely missed Prince Farming's family meeting Becca. But we care very little. So we started the episode somewhere around Whitney's emotional toast to Farming... What is most uncomfortable at this point is how deeply Whitney cares for Farming, how intent Farming is on Becca, and how... lukewarm, if anything, Becca seems to be towards Farming...

Let's take a quick moment to allot points for insightful sister questions: Chris's sister asked him, "What are your hesitations about Whitney?" This is smart. I'll give her some points for this. (speaking of sisters: did we ever see Farming's brothers-in-law? What do THEY look like?)

And then once the spotlight was on Gary, we all hollered, "X-BOX, REWIND!" about sixteen times. to make sure we'd heard what we thought we'd heard...

Gary: "Whitney is a sure thing... but Becca... Becca's who Chris wants... "
OH SNAAAP.

It very well could have been a pitch fork, but you know Gary dropped SOMETHIN' after that line....

Here's the crux: CHRIS STILL WANTS BECCA BECAUSE HE HASN'T CONQUERED HER.

I actually went on about this at work yesterday to my poor co-workers: my personal theory about why there have been so few Bachelor relationships that have lasted is because when they're the Bachelor, the guys do ZERO chasing. None. Women hurl themselves at the feet of these guys, as opposed to the months-long uphill battle that is The Bachelorette. (Well... at least, until last night, anyway)

Did we also miss the first part of Becca and Farming's date? "X-BOX, DO YOU HATE BECCA?"

...It didn't respond.

In their oddly charged conversation, we hear Farming say, "Maybe the question I should've asked is... Why don't you feel like you're in love with me?" This might be his most insightful question all season. She can't articulate an answer, and even X-box knew that the answer was "BECAUSE I'M STILL A BABY," but we suffered through the painful conversation anyway.

Grace: Wait why aren't we getting to see the gift? What gift did she give him?
Johnny: There's a gift?
Grace: Of course there's a gift! It's like, 'Here's dried petals from all the roses that you gave me... Plus all my tears...'
Johnny: Well she didn't give him the ULTIMATE gift...
Carolyn: Not yet, anyway...


About Becca/to Becca/to Chris I would like to call upon one of my all-time favorite TV shows that was taken from us all-too soon:

TRUER WORDS, MY FRIENDS. 

I shared my additional insights about Becca with the LRPG: "She was totally that girl that never really talked in class, but you'd get stuck on a bus next to her one day on a field trip and come away saying "y'all, Becca is so hilarious. I don't know why she doesn't speak up more, cause she's so funny..."

...But we're still in the "she's quiet in class" phase...

Way to plant, Ann.

As we later watch Whitney and Chris guzzle wine in his Pier One house, we have a few questions:

Johnny: What is the wine budget for this thing? There is never NOT wine.
Grace: No WONDER things fall apart after the filming stops. You can't drink this much in real life without getting sent to AA...

(But come on: He spent half a night in a hotel room with one woman, and spent the entire DAY on his FARM with another woman? Followed by the half a night in a hotel thing? And you wanna tell me this is a tough decision?)

Also, can we talk about how all that the women can say about Arlington is how beautiful the... fields are? I can't help but feel like they're all filled with so much panic about their desolate future in Iowa that they involuntarily gush about the VERY dismal landscape...

Even more dismal: Chris's empty words to Whitney: "This is a place I feel good about being in with you., right here..."

She is clearly trying to force an "I love you" out of him and he is clearly not giving it to her. And now she's kind of crying and clutching his face about it...

Wait... Did they break up? Is he telling her that he isn't where she is and so she's walking out? I have no idea what is going on.

For all of Chris's inability to be articulate, Whitney sums up the evening quite nicely: "Honestly I feel like I have taken my heart out of my chest and put it in his hands."

Finale:

Let's get right to it:

Grace: Is that...?
Carolyn: That is a red velvet dress.
Grace: Oh she is READY for Arlington, THAT IS A RED VELVET DRESS.
Johnny: That is a red velvet MESS.

OH. MY. WORD. As if the red velvet mess wasn't enough...
This proposal barn, right now.

Remember how earlier Whitney joked, "What, there aren't chandeliers everywhere?"

BECAUSE THERE ARE DEFINITELY CHANDELIERS EVERYWHERE.

Grace: They pulled out the STOPS for this gig.
Carolyn: There is a lantern in a cage. Lot's of them. What happened to a tropical paradise proposal?
Johnny: There is nothing romantic about this. This is absolutely the space where a cult leader would hold cult meetings.
Grace: There is absolutely a tractor in the wall. They have run a tractor into the barn wall and it is stuck there and they're pretending like it's decoration. X-BOX, PAUSE! Look, there it is!
Johnny: This is a BARN-MITZVAH.
Grace: Mazel tov.

We all have VERY few things to say about Becca. Her goodbye, exit, and limo ride were all very uneventful. No tears, even. She'd probably spent all of her tears on the fact that she was made to wear a red velvet mess...

Whitney, on the other hand, looks amazing. Absolutely zero thermal protection in that little black number, but she looks pretty good. We also witness a finale freak-out from her that is unlike anything we've seen since Catherine Giudici nearly hyperventilated when Sean proposed... But she's also got to be FREEZING. We can see their breath right now, in this stained-glass, tractor-crashed Barn Mitzvah. 

The LRPG begins to wonder if the "never before seen finale" moment will be... Whitney barfing on Chris.  

Ohhhhh he said he loves her. Who knew? (We knew) He got down on one knee. I'm shocked. (I'm not) She said yes. More shock. (Not more shock) 

Blahhh blahhhh After the Final Rose... Becca looks GREAT. 

Let's clap it up for what was absolutely Farming's best line of the season: 

Hare: So Whitney didn't watch the show and see your dates with other women. You're a smart man.

Farming: She's a smart woman. I think I'm a smart man because I chose her. 

I absolutely support Whitney's decision not to watch the show. I wouldn't be able to do it myself, because I'd be too curious, but I totally support it... 

Aaaaand let's clap it up for Kimmel: "I got you something you can take to that horrible farm you're going to... This cow's name is Juan Pablo... It doesn't speak English..." 

And now a brief word about The Bachelorette... 

I just... where do I even begin? I can say I haven't fully developed my thoughts, but I'm a little concerned to hear Britt, Kaitlyn and Hare all say that because they've signed a hulluva lot more contracts about it than I have. 

I suppose my thoughts will be more formulated around May 18th, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to say. Very curious about the politics involved in this decision, because contrary to what Hare told us, America (and the studio audience) are very clearly NOT divided AT ALL about who they think should be the next Bachelorette...

I still wanted Carly...