Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Dear Future Husband...

First things first:


Second things second:Absolutely none of these words are malintended. No, "malintended" isn't technically a word, but Shakespeare got to make up his own words, so I'm taking the same liberties. This isn't meant to be mean, it's meant to be hilarious. So there's the disclaimer. For all other legal questions and concerns, please see my lawyer. (Spoiler alert: he's two years older than I, bears remarkable resemblance and also shares the same last name)

Ok we're nineteen seconds into the promo and I already have two major questions.
1) Was it REALLY necessary to spend gas on TWO limos, en route to Bachelor mansion? THERE IS A DROUGHT IN LOS ANGELES, PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU CAN.
2) Also, how much did it cost to have that rose box custom made?? To have the carpenter shape out a rose outline? I am voracious in my curiosity as to whether or not we see said boxes down the road in I dunno, Bachelor in Paradise? Survivor, maybe? 

According to America's favorite host, this is a HISTORIC premiere. Let's all take a moment to acknowledge that he has never used "historic" to describe an episode. Bet he had to dig deep for that one. He goes on:“This is one of the most controversial, talked-about premieres in Bachelorette history…”


Upon seeing Kaitlyn’s dress, that had more sequins than Lupita's Oscar dress had pearls, I remarked: “Dude, there would be so much chafing in that dress.”

CAROLYN: Seriously!

DEVIN: What?

GRACE: Chafing. X-BOX, PAUSE! (They have a voice-activated x-box that I'm pretty sure is from the Year 3000, but you can do things like that and X-box will listen to you) Yeah, chafing. Like, my skin would be raw from rubbing against those sequins. 

DEVIN: Oh, are you quick to chafe?

GRACE: Very quick. And very aggressive. I am a quick and aggressive chafer.

DEVIN: X-BOX, PLAY! (it does)

GRACE: well clearly someone listens to Dad... 

Moving right along, let's talk about memorable intro clips: 

 Jonathan, Automotive Spokesman: not a car SALESman, but a SPOKESman. Wait. His kid coming into the frame right now. This kid is a forty year old trapped in a five year old’s body. I love it all. 

-  Joe, Insurance Salesman: This guy is from the back-est Back Woods of Kentucky, so far back that you almost get to Australia. He also claims that he always dreamed of wealth, a wife, and a mansion... with a white picket fence. So he's clearly never even seen a mansion, because if he had, he'd know that they don't (ever) come with a white picket fence... 

- Josh... the law-school-grad-turned-stripper. Is he making more money than Andi Dorfman? Probably. Does he have SIGNIFICANTLY less dignity than Dorfman? Absolutely.

- Brady, singer-songwriter from, wait for it... Nashville… Y'all, Nashville got a STRONG showing this season, but I still can't say I'm at all impressed. Brady leads off with, “I’ve always had melody inside of me…”


- Josuha, welder, Idaho: Don't get me wrong, this guy is cute. But more importantly: THERE ARE SO MANY DUDES LEANING AGAINST WALLS ON THIS SEASON IT'S UNREAL. #BlameTheInterns

- Ian, Executive recruiter (what?)  Ok wait but in the background of Ian’s intro shot, I need you all to notice that we caught a glimpse of “The Flyin’ Jalapeno…” For the record, when I say I work right by there, I mean I could have thrown a stone at hit Ian's perfectly shaven head with it, in that shot. When I say I work right by there, I mean my friend Amy and I went to lunch on Tuesday and she said, "I'm craving a burrito, is there anywhere we can go?" and I said, "WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE FLYN' JALAPENO TO CELEBRATE ITS TELEVISION DEBUT LAST NIGHT?!! Back to Ian. I like him. He seems intense. I'm into it. 

- Jared, restaurant manager… Ohhhh nooooo he has an alter ego of... Love Man… 

Let the record also show that Jared described Kaitlyn as a “Wildfire.” I do believe the word he was looking for was “spitfire.” (And may we ALSO let the record show that this is the dude who told said "Wildfire" that he voted for the other chick? JUST an observation....) 

- Tony, Healer, also known as... spiritual gangster. I believe he referred to himself as "antisocial." Super. Can't wait to see what happens next.  

- Ben, Fitness Coach: This was the guy who's mom passed away when he was 14... Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn only had one question: “Is that the best picture he had of his mom?” (We saw that picture at least nineteen times. Unframed AND framed.) #BlameTheInterns #Kasey #TheSantaAnasRuinedKaseysDate

Our gracious host informed Kaitlyn and Brit that that the men will have a ‘little bit of power tonight,” which, nobody worry, Brit finds to be “romantic.” 

Can we just stop right here and establish whatever the male equivalent is to Slut Shaming? Like, what is it called when you blatantly shame a man for being a misogynist? Cause we need it, right now. Y'all know I don't love standing on my feminist soap box, but HOLY SMOKES this is worse than Chris and Juan Pablo COMBINED. 

And honestly, if I were in either of the girls' shoes, I'm fairly positive that I would turn to the other girl and say “I’m so sorry. You’re lovely, but I’m about to fight dirty.” And then I would proceed to tell each man very directly why they should choose me. Come to think of it, I’m actually quite skilled at this – I do it at the office daily. Today my boss was talking to my co-worker Levi and I stepped in front of him and said to her, “Quick reminder: I’m your favorite. 

BOSS: You put my hard-boiled egg in the freezer this morning.

GRACE: Yes, but that was an accident. And Levi wouldn’t have tried to refrigerate your food. You should make me your favorite. 

BOSS: Ok. You can be my favorite.

(I high-fived myself on the way out) 

I can't even really discuss which guy went to which of the girls first, because you all know we got about MAYBE 35% of the truth in those sequences... There's no way to know that we even saw the original order that the guys got out of the limo, let alone in what order they said hello to the women... #BlameTheInternsEditors

Just a few notes: 

- JJ. Investment Banker. At JJ’s entry I yelled, “X Box, increase volume!” Devin quirked a brow and said, “you can just tell it to “volume up.” WHOOPS. I don't think I like JJ. His pucking joke wasn't bad, but he's somehow not my favorite... 

- Shawn B… It takes a while, but FINALLY WE get a guy who calls for a group hug… He and Brit have a connection… HIYOOOO UNTIL WE FIND OUT THAT HE WANTED THE BACHELORETTE TO BE KAITLYN

- Tony, aka Spiritual Gangster: Listen ladies, Tony lives in Tony's world. That means that if he thinks Kaitlyn can't hear what he's saying to Britt, he's gonna turn right around and say the EXACT SAME WORDS to Kaitlyn and nobody's gonna bat an eye about it. Also, what's up with his black eye?

- This Drunk Ryan is absolutely as good as it gets. Let's start with one of my favorite lines of the night: “I’d like to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and… never call her again…” Misogynist Shaming. He needs it. He goes outside to moan about the next contestant we meet, who is... a man driving a hot tub car... Wait, it get's better... The guy is an "Amateur Sex Coach." Only question: Does that mean he coaches amateur sex, or is he an amateur coach? (Do I even want to know the answer?) I'd like to thank my friend Camille for the apt description of the "Former-Newsie-Turned-Harrison-Security" to describe the man whose glorious job it was to pull Ryan outside for an intervention with Hare. And by "intervention" I mean "departure orders." Still in a bit of disbelief that ABC aired the rape comment... That guy is gonna have a REAL hard time finding a job... 

Don't even care that he's a dentist...

Ok. Onto the Misogynist Cocktail Party:

- The first guy that pulled Brit away a) has a son named Aurelius and b) WE CAN SEE THE TEETH OF THE FINE TOOTHED COMB THAT HE USED TO STYLE HIS HAIR.

- Let's talk about the guy who asked, "Do you choose the one that you like the most, or do you choose the one that likes YOU the most?" WHAT A QUESTION. 

- The guy with Chris Harrison on the triceratops… So much respect for a man who knows how to WORK WITH WHAT HE’S GOT

- Before the voting began (with the custom-carved rose boxes) Hare asked the ladies, "Is there anything you would like to say?" Once again, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT OPPORTUNITY TO SAY SOMETHING, to convince the men that I should be the favorite. 

- “I just found a pocket of guys that are pro-Kaitlyn…” THOSE ARE REAL WORDS THAT WERE UTTERED BY A DUDE. 

Ok whatever blah, blah, it ends on a cliff hanger... 



Ok so I turned on the TV, and this is what I saw, no joke:

Rest in peace, Bachelorette Career for Britt...


Anyway. Let’s talk about the set-up (that I successfully rigged up myself, if you really must know)

TV to converter box to antennae...

Very few comments about the evening: (BESIDES THE FACT THAT NICK IS BACK AND I LOVE HIMMMMM)

- Ok so obviously Hare was going for the fake-out, and wanted to make Kaitlyn think she was getting sent home… But then on the reveal, he didn’t… do a reveal. He kept a somber tone the whole time... huh? 

- Um, breach of confidentiality that Kaitlyn called her mom, or no? 

- In very unrelated news, the show “Whispers” looked very un-good. UNTIL I LEARNED THAT LILY RABE IS IN IT. Game. Has. Changed. 

- Ok how exhausting it must be, to live a day in the life of Spiritual Gangster Tony, being as sensitive as he is? Does he break down in tears when he gets cut off in traffic? (Or can he even drive cars without having psychotic breaks?)  After a few more minutes I decide that it’s a toss up: who cries more in traffic, Tony or Songwriter Brady? I really couldn’t say.

But what I COULD say is that Tony’s name reminds me of the Tony that proposed to Blakelee on Bachelor Pad II, only to have a broken engagement months later. UGHHH I JUST WANT EVERYONE IN THIS FRANCHISE TO FIND TRUE LOVE AND I GET SO UPSET WHEN THEY DON’TTTTT. 

- Just so we're clear, when it comes to Jared, (yes, LOVE MAN) voting for Brit was one of the hardest decisions he’s ever had to make. Even harder than whether or not to tell America he was "Love Man." SO DIFFICULT. 

Blah blahhh rose ceremony... 

The only two noteworthy guys who got sent home were the potential-barrister-turned-stripper and the hot tub car guy... Jury is still out on what part of his career was amateur, but after his conversation with Britt, it sounds like it just might be the "coaching" part of it...

Whatever. I'm so stoked for Nick. 

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