YOU CAN'T HATE ON LOVE

I mean TRULY where do we begin.

I can't even end that with a question mark because I am so dazed after that episode. Do we go minute by minute of that crazy two hours? Or do I start with my biggest problems with Clare?

I understand that it's hard to go on national TV and have every minute of your life severely scrutinized. The trolls are awful. The trolls that came for Kaitlyn Bristowe and Rachel Lindsay were AWFUL. And they were unwarranted. They came after those women for made up concepts about their life that didn't exist. BUT IF WE ARE COMING FOR CLARE, IT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS SHOWN HERSELF TO BE AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE LIABILITY. 

I think my biggest beef is the name that she is giving to single women over thirty. Just like Riley didn't want Yosef speaking for the group, I DON'T WANT CLARE SPEAKING FOR THE GROUP. In an unusual turn of events, I have boiled my thesis down to a succinct sentence for you people (and will obviously continue to extrapolate further below) 

CLARE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MATURE WOMAN, BUT THE DALE BLINDERS THAT SHE PUT ON SO READILY AND IMMEDIATELY INDICATE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. 

More on that later. Let's start with Yosef, who (not so) graciously kicked off our two hours of insanity.

First of all, Yosef is a dirty fighter. If anything, I learned from that exchange that I'd never want to argue with Yosef, because his accusations and conflict resolution are BRIMMING with red flags. For what it's worth, he probably knew that he had no chance with Clare, so he clearly decided to go SCORCHED EARTH and leave nothing in his wake. And to be fair, Clare STARTED OFF WELL! She did! She didn't do her weird adrenaline breathing thing for a while, and just let him speak his piece. 

He said he missed his daughter. 

She said she missed her mom. 

He did not care. 

I'm honestly too exhausted by the whole episode to go back and watch to see THE MOMENT that it started going downhill, but there's always a single moment. In the last presidential debate, POTUS was pretty mellow until Biden brought up Giuliani. As soon as he did, it was game over. Clare got set off at some point, and the whole thing flew off the rails VERY QUICKLY. 

Now for someone who claims to have been to a lot of therapy and "done the work," it stands to reason that she could have just calmly let him see himself out. I would have said something like "Wow I'm so sorry to hear that; I'm a little surprised that you chose this angle, because you did, in fact, choose to come on a TV show voluntarily, but thank you for your feedback and I'm glad you will get to see your daughter again soon. Goodnight." 

....That is not how Clare reacted. 

Sure, she could have been hamming it up for the camera, but I couldn't help but feel that her "I DiDnT sEtTLe FoR mEn LiKe ThAt..." had been rehearsed in front of the mirror ONE TOO MANY TIMES. 

If you had "Dale comforts Clare post-meltdown" on your Bingo card, congrats! The producers sent Dale over to console her and after ONE HUG, she literally forgot every problem she's ever had in her life. Dale didn't even try to find out what happened, he just started dishing up empty platitudes to get her to quit crying, AND IT WORKED. She gushed about how she's been waiting for someone to come and save her, and tell her she isn't alone. And I am very concerned at how she is almost forty and his spent all this time waiting for someone to RESCUE her. Aren't you supposed to get AWAY from that as you get older? Like, sure, I was dying to be rescued (from literally everything) at age 15. But the older I get, the more I realize that I'm the most reliable person to rescue me. And that's not some weird life coach BS, it's just a reality - if you can't console yourself after an aggressive encounter with a wounded human, and the only way to solve it is a DaleHug, you've got trouble in River City. 

She proceeds to CONTINUE gushing about Dale. "He's just... I can't even put words to it." 

....I've never trusted people who can't put words to things, honestly. 

But also let me be clear - I'd probably pick Dale too! I've always fancied winding up with a former athlete- it's a built-in personal trainer!!

She gives out some roses and honestly I still don't even recognize half the guys, but she has a good crop of dudes! Too bad for those DaleBlinders. 

The next morning, we see her doodling "Dale + Clare" into her journal. And my takeaway is: her journal sucks. That thing came from the dollar bin at Target, and if you aren't investing in a nice-ass journal, I trust you as little as I trust people who can't put words to things. STRIKE TWO, CLARE. 

I have NO idea why DeAnna showed up. It's not like she was even nearby - she lives in Dallas! I will take a moment to dig through the archives to give you a glimpse of Ancient Grace, back in the day: I booked a study room at the library in my free period during junior year to watch Brad Womack's finale where he dumped both DeAnna and Jenni. Honestly that might have been the last TRULY SHOCKING episode we saw. Anyway, DeAnna is happily married with kids now, but apparently has grown NO WISER in the 13 years since she was on the show. Also I'm pretty sure she's wearing a choker that is no less than 13 years old, as well. She tells Clare that when you know, you know! And they sniff Dale's pants together AND NO ONE FINDS THIS WEIRD. I don't fancy myself an EXPERT on men's clothing, but I have to say that if you're gonna gift someone with a piece of your clothing, your pants are kind of at the bottom of the list. Maybe above "socks," but IS THIS REAL LIFE?! ARE WE WATCHING HER DO THIS?! No camera guy just gave up and threw his camera at the audacity of these two grown women?! 

Group Date:

Clare spends the entire day sniffing Dale's pants, so there isn't even a group date. She waltzes in and tells the men as much. So they gather for cocktails and Dale gives a pretty weird speech before making everyone do a WEIRD group hug, and then whisking Clare away to makeout. 

Obviously I've thought about it a lot, and I've concluded that perhaps THE MOST disturbing moment of this whole episode is when Clare looked at Dale and goes "Why are you so perfect?!" I don't know how to consolidate my thoughts on this other than to break them down into a list:

1) A 39-year-old woman calling a man "perfect" raises some SERIOUS red flags. (Unless he is Jesus Christ, then have at it, sis)

2) This is what I'm talking about with her immaturity - you mean to tell me that a woman who has been on this earth longer than ANY OTHER LEAD IN HISTORY is calling a man perfect?! This man? Whom she BARELY KNOWS?! 

3) That's the other thing - WE HARDLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DALE. She has just, QUITE ALARMINGLY, made up her mind that he is perfect. Which is FRIGHT-EN-ING. 

4) I've done a fair amount of research - apparently these two truly didn't talk pre-show. But the difference is that she knew who her cast was. So unlike other leads, she had time to stalk their social media profiles. And CLEARLY she just decided that Dale was the future Mr. Clare Crawley, and that was that. 

We find out post bedroom-romp that Dale is genuinely the worst politician ever. Eazy (very mildly) pressed him to admit that he was being a tool. And Dale refused. But his refusal was... so pathetic. 

Meanwhile my man Jason is suffering not only the First Date Curse, but he's probably still nursing a vulnerability hangover and he is getting FEISTY about Dale's hogged one-on-one time. (For those of you that have just joined us: the First Date Curse is when you get the first one-on-one and basically get imprinted on the lead circa Jacob and Renesmee, but then have to wait WEEKS before you get any more time with them. And the time in between is just spent spiraling, as you watch them with other contestants aka what Jason is doing now.)

Dale gets the rose. Color me surprised.


One on One: Zach J. 

You'd think based on his Bunny Bread Utah look + his not-so-young age that Zach could give Dale a run for his money on the date today! And BOY would that be wrong. All Clare had to do here was jUsT ShOw Up and she might have found true love with Zach, but instead, she spent the entire time literally asking the camera where Dale was. 

They went to go get massages and let's get one thing straight: there's no such actual thing as "ticklish," there's just "tense." You feel ticklish because your muscles are tense. This says a lot about our boy Zach. Also on a side note, I was decently considering risking covid the other day to go to the Chinese foot massage place. Y'all ever been there? It's $35 for the most insane massage of your life. I go see a 6'4" dude named Li (no really that's his name at the Wilshire Foot spa) who digs his elbow into my shoulder for an hour and I walk out of there a new woman. But my boy Zach can't take the heat. Interesting. 

And then, once again, things got weird. 

I'm not quite sure how to begin commentary on this, so I think the best thing to do is break down what we actually witnessed on screen with our own eyes: 

- Clare went in for a kiss. 

- Zach didn't pull away, but he didn't really move toward her, either. 

- If I'd been watching it on mute, I probably would have determined that Clare decided against the kiss, mid-lean. 

- She pulled away. 

Here's where things got dicey. Zach tried to pull her in. You know what would have been far more effective at pulling her in than your hands around her throat? YOUR WORDS, ZACHERY. He tried to pull her in not once but TWICE, in a way that was WAY TOO UNCOMFORTABLE for the viewers. But Miss I've-Done-The-Work didn't discuss ANY of this with him. In all fairness, his HANDS ON HER CHEST could have temporarily driven words away from her. But she didn't discuss her feelings in the moment with him, we just saw her clutch her dogs and then send Chris Harrison to bid him farewell. And let me be clear: if a guy makes you uncomfortable or feel physically threatened, send him home! But I was surprised for how therapized Clare claims to be, that she didn't even discuss anything with him? Or make her feelings known? Is this a bad take? 

Group Date: Roast

As someone who has hosted my very own roast, I am here to tell you on authority that I would have NO INTEREST in having a roast with men I'd just met. But honestly that's a moot point because the ENTIRE night just became "everyone harp on Dale, lol." Usually the time leading up to a performance on one of these dates is a great chance for the lead to get to know the contestants. (Remember when Becca got to know Wills when they were at Wayne Newton's house? And no one was mentioning the egregious plastic surgery he'd had on his face?) Would have been a great time for Clare to find out that the dudes had a LOT to say about Dale. (And to be fair, maybe this transpired and we just didn't get to see it cause it had to be cut for time since there was SO MUCH CRAZY to get to, in this episode.) But we just went straight to the show, sponsored by Black Tux. Or whomever. 

My main takeaways are that for a piece of cardboard, Bennett actually didn't do too badly and also... YOU CAN'T HATE ON LOVE. 

NARRATOR: You can, in fact, hate on love. 

I'm now VERY curious to know what Dale is like in the house. What do the guys mean when they say he "talks in circles"? It'd be great to hear him talk at all, honestly, because we have truly heard VERY LITTLE from him! 

Also I don't know if Cary Fetman is doing this season, but it's like the stylist thinks that ANYTHING WITH SPARKLES is appropriate for Clare. Even if it's sparkles on a Pee Yellow dress. 

After the date, she sat down with each of the dudes and talked about... Dale. This is perhaps the first time EVER that a lead has been intentionally seeking info about another contestant. Ever notice how it's always the guys pulling the gal aside to talk about ONE DUDE, and the woman is like "Ok but can we PLEASE not have this be the ____ show?" (and vice versa?) EXCEPT CLARE WANTS IT TO BE THE DALE SHOW. 

Bennett seems relatively unfazed by this, which I guess is just what happens when you're super rich and have been to Harvard. 

I MEAN LOOK AT HER CRAZY EYES AS SHE'S SEEKING INFORMATION FROM THESE DUDES RIGHT NOW! 

AND THEN SHE CALLED DALE HER FIANCÉ!!! ARE THEY JUST GONNA PLAY THAT AUDIO AND HAVE NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT AND THINK WE WON'T NOTICE?? I CAN'T EVEN TURN OFF CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN STOP YELLING ABOUT THIS. 

Oh wow, a Tayshia appearance will get me to turn off my caps lock. I disenjoy her SO much. (No, "disenjoy" isn't a word, but I'm trying really hard to make it one.) She is so calculated and inauthentic and I'm not a fan. I mean Clare is CRAZY but at least she is authentically insane. I hope she tries to steal Dale from Clare and we get a Battle Royale. 

Miles to go before we sleep. See y'all next week. (PS I've already done the research for you - the show airs on Thursday next week, not Tuesday. Because on Tuesday we will all be.... [fill in appropriate emoji])

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

JUST SHOW UP

WOW, WHERE DO WE EVEN BEGIN?!

 

Honestly let’s just pick up where we left off. Except I don’t know where we left off, so who even cares. This franchise is so gloriously off the rails at this point that nothing even matters anymore. 

 

So far my biggest takeaway about filming this season in a pandemic is that the producers of this show should be running the federal Pandemic Task Force. This was one of the first shows to go back up after everything was locked down, and they clearly did a good job. (sidenote: it’s not hard to “do a good job” not spreading Covid when you have GOBS OF MONEY at your disposal from over FIFTY seasons of hit shows – yes, there have been a total of over fifty seasons of shows from this franchise. Respek.)

 

GROUP DATE: LOVE LANGUAGES

But that being said, the producers have clearly just given up on the dates this season. This Rapunzel tower on the Love Languages date was clearly a leftover set piece from the La Quinta High School production of Into the Woods. And it’s possible that it could have been cut for time, but where was the “acts of service” love language portion on this date? (Cause that’s mine.) So bizarre for the dudes to have to give her words of affirmation when they DO NOT know her. I could have done without the physical touch portion of the date. Mostly because it was so cringeworthy but also because I have taken the 5 Love Languages quiz so many times and the only constant is that I always score a 0% on physical touch. It’s kind of been the highlight of the pandemic for me – it will be socially acceptable not to go within 6 feet of someone for the next two years and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

 

WE GET IT. SHE LIKES DALE. If any of y’all were weirded out by her saying that she could recognize the dudes based on how they smelled, you’ve clearly never had a friend with the nose of a bloodhound, aka me. I can get a whiff of someone walking by at the grocery store and tell you what they had for lunch that day and the last time they took a shower. But you know where I talk about these things? ON A BLOG. I don’t announce them to people’s faces (unless I’m accusing a roommate of using my Herbal Essence shampoo when I told him not to, cause I smelled it when he got out of the shower. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRYAN) Part of what makes Clare so socially awkward is that she has to BROADCAST everything she’s thinking, VERY MANICALLY, right in the moment. Announcing “I’m like, really big on smell, so I can tell who is in front of me even with a blind fold” IS WEIRD. Announcing “I’m big on vibes and I LOVE you energy” IS WEIRD!!

 

I also take umbrage with the “special gifts” part of the date, because special gifts is how I show love, personally. (Yes it still feels super materialistic to me, but once I finally gave in and just began sending people books from Amazon as often as I wanted, I started thriving.) They HAD to have told the dudes to bring something beforehand. No way that one dude just BROUGHT A CHESSBOARD with him. (Unless he stole the piece from a set in Harvard Bennet’s room.) That one dude who gave her his “favorite shirt” definitely got that thing from the La Quinta gift shop six minutes before handing it to her.

 

When they all sat down at the end of the day for “quality time,” none of the men (read: Dale) pulled her aside, and she got pissy. Poor Bennett was sweating his face off as he spoke to her, but she couldn’t even listen to him because her pride was too wounded. I like the fact that she cut him off and told him she couldn’t be present with him when there was something on her mind, but the “something on her mind” was pretty pathetic, if you ask me. Clare, you’ve been driving the narrative of this whole day, telling the dudes where to go and when, and what's coming next. And you think that when you sit down with them that they’ll all (read: Dale) know immediately to try and steal you away? These are MILLENNIAL MEN, Clare. They don’t have a clue. One of the gals I was watching with (ON A WELL-VENTILATED, SPARSELY POPULATED SCREENED IN PORCH) is a therapist and when I wondered aloud “How is she.... so entitled to their attention?” she pointed out that entitlement is the other side of the coin for insecurity. With a wound (like lack of feeling valued, etc) there is an insecurity about it, but there is also an entitlement about how it is OWED. (I should watch with therapists more often.)

 

I love how she said she “needed to get this out in the open before it was bottled up and just exploded.”

 

GIRL THAT WAS AN EXPLOSION.

 

Yosef said “Allow me to speak for the group when I say that…” but never finished his sentence. Riley immediately jumped down his throat and told him not to speak for the group. I feel like I would have at least heard what he had to say before I reprimanded him for speaking for the group. (Although it looks like nothing Yosef has to say is super great.) Poor Zac C TRIED to make up for it with a “well can I steal you right now” but poor Zac C is NOT Dale, so she wasn’t interested. But obviously when Dale pulled her aside, she immediately perked up. (sidenote: what happened to Bennett? She left him sweating on a bench and we never saw him again.) She gave Riley the group date rose after an awkward prom dance. The production budget was blown on Covid tests so they clearly couldn’t afford to license actual music by Boys II Men.  

 

ONE ON ONE: JASON

This one on one date was EVERYTHING. I don’t even know where to begin. Clearly they’re really leaning into the this-is-a-mature-bachelorette-that-isn’t-wasting-time trope, but WOW THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR A FIRST DATE, OK. I think I’m gonna have to do bullet points cause I have so many thoughts about it:

-       You know that poor dude was already five drinks in when he arrived. I’m sure he started pounding whiskey as soon as he got a date card that said “vulnerability.”

o   Speaking of date card – HOW VERY ON BRAND for Clare to send a THREE PAGE date card. As someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “brevity,” I have no choice but to stan.

-  My personal pet theory is that one of the producers from the Nexivm doc wound up on this season and was like "LET'S PULL A NANCY SALZMAN AND DO A CONDENSED EXPLORATION OF MEANING SESSION AND MAKE THIS SUCKER CONFRONT EVERY SINGLE DEMON EVER IN FORTY FIVE MINUTES"

- Where did those terra cotta tablets come from? I mean I know it’s the desert so they weren’t hard to find, but it looked like they were writing on them with those scented magic markers, which had to have felt like nails on a chalkboard? They looked like wood, so we were all relieved when they DID shatter easily. (Honestly I feel like Keith and Nancy would have LOVED terra cotta tablets in an EM)  

o   I also liked that Jason had the self-awareness to recognize being called “manipulative.” Haha that’s also a GLARING red flag, but I don’t know who he could possibly manipulate when he could barely put three words together by the end of the night.

o   Also just what kind of "demons" are we talking here, Jase? My man makes it sound like he watched his parents kill a guy?  

-       Ah, who doesn’t love a good letter to your younger self? This is such a weird one. I was disappointed that neither party chose to take the opportunity to say things like “dear younger self, be sure and buy plenty of stock in Apple. Get lots of toilet paper and rations for the freezer at the beginning of 2020…” The MOST IMPORTANT thing to come from a letter to your younger self is DEFINITELY the insider trading aspect – tell your younger self where to put their money, HELLO. 

-       Literally NO ONE cares about that stupid dress. He clearly had no idea what it was when she pulled it out. And tried to tell her it was ugly. But kind of covered for it. But was kind of drunk.

-       Bottom line: Clare isn’t into this guy. I’m not even sure why she chose him for the date – he was the dude who came out of the limo with a baby bump? But he is very clearly a PROJECT to her. Also I need to be clear – how Clare was asking questions and making points about his past is literally me with every dude I meet at a bar. I know this game well. But we do it with projects, not potentials. And even her body language was closed off. Her legs were crossed and pointed away from him and she had her arm crossed up over her chest holding her drink – she’s not interested in this guy, but had no problem showing everyone that she can get deep on a first date. That poor guy probably had such a vulnerability hangover the next day. 

(And a real one.)

 

GROUP DATE: DODGEBALL

I thought we were done cringing after that date, BUT WOW THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE IN STORE. Call me an old granny if you want, I am very unmoved by scatological humor. I think ball jokes are tired and unfunny. And I find it disturbing that Clare announces to the guys that she’s “looking for a man with balls” and somehow managed to relate that to the physical reveal of his anatomy, but let’s be real – that was production. Strip Dodgeball wasn’t Clare’s idea, it was production’s. Were the men’s bodies super objectified here? Yes. But does the show do much else BESIDES objectification? No.

 

Also RIP, Fred Willard – you know he would’ve been ALL OVER this date.

 

Props to that production assistant that got to play the referee – you know his entire family tuned in to see his big screen debut.

 

I can’t believe there is a dude on this season named Chasen. Every time I think the Bachelor franchise can’t possibly out-Bachelor themselves, they do. Also props to him, cause he’s the first “Chasen” that comes up on Instagram – that’s what having a unique name will get you, even if it’s a uniquely frat-tastic name like Chasen. Shout out to the gig that he didn’t land as the caveman in the Geico commercials. But he got the rose.

 

Blake Moynes pulled a Tierra and showed up and it was weird AF. (Also is BLAKEMOYNES a double name? Did he insist on his last name being in there? Lots of questions) Even though she’s an independent woman who don’t need no man, Clare clearly took her cues about BlakeMoynes’ presence from the men who showed up and circled him like the Sharks vs. Jets, and she sent him packing after denying him a kiss. Why he went in for it in the first place remains a mystery. (But then she later pulled a Peter with Kelsey and gave him a rose before the rose ceremony, essentially placing a weird target on his back.)

 

Seemed like we’d have a normal boring rest of the night UNTIL BRANDON TRIED TO TALK TO HER. I’m still wondering if maybe we didn’t see some of the footage, cause this was truly the weirdest moment of the night, which is obviously saying a LOT. I don’t know how else to organize my thoughts but to produce some bullet points:

-       He said he wanted to get to know her. Knew she was from Sacramento and would love to learn more. This is normal.

-       We are currently living in an age where it is STILL CONSIDERED WEIRD to bombard someone with facts that you have gleaned about them from the internet, prior to a date. If *I’M* saying that as a 30-year-old, it doubly applies to Clare!

-       But here we go with the entitlement again: SHE IS ENTITLED TO A MAN WHO HAS GONE OVER ALL OF HER BACHELOR FRANCHISE FOOTAGE WITH A FINE-TOOTHED COMB. And the other side of the coin – insecurity! SURELY HE COULDN’T JUST BE HERE FOR HER LOOKS! (Honestly if a man told me he was just there for my looks, I’d be flattered enough to give him a rose. My looks are always last on the docket)

-       She mentioned that other guys admired her “drive” or “how she stood up for herself.” Girl, your DRIVE?! What do they actually know about your DRIVE?! She of all people should be offended that someone would come in acting like they know her after only watching her on TV. (Unless that someone is Dale)

-       Brandon actually handled it pretty well. Besides getting super sweaty. Usually guys choke and get defensive in this situation, but he did fine. And I’m sure he’ll have a great redemption tour on the Zoom Men Tell All. Very possible that he’s just one of those GOOD LOOKING DUDES who has never had to have much substance to what he says because he’s so good-looking, but I’d give him an 8/10 on his performance.

 

Some final thoughts on Clare:

-       She keeps saying she’s “been to therapy” and “done all this work,” but I feel like she’s had a VERY mediocre therapist. When you have a truly great therapist, you wind up talking more about specific things that you’ve learned about yourself, rather than “I’ve done a lot of work.”

-       SHE STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO GO. Do y’all notice how her breathing gets SUPER erratic when she’s uncomfortable? It happened when she was talking to Sweaty Bennett and had wounded pride, and it happened again when BlakeMoynes crashed the group date. Her breathing gets really shallow and her words get super choppy. Usually indicative of poor coping mechanisms and inability to self-regulate.

-       Every time she’s with Dale, she looks like she wants to slowly chew his clothes off with her teeth. And NOT in a good way. In a way that makes me worried that she’d be willing to accept a proposal from him LITERALLY ANY TIME because she’s been so swept away by a lustful fantasy of the promise of a fairy tale, (And she’s entitled to it, remember?!)

 

Can’t wait to see where this season takes us. It’s good to be back.

 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!

UNLIKE ANY PREMIERE YOU'VE SEEN BEFORE

...because it was *literally* three hours.

Blog has been temporarily outsourced to my Instagram story, fam: grayCdee

Please accept all my roses.

I Haven't Seen This Much Love in A Room Since Narcissus Discovered Himself...

Good news, fam: America’s favorite guest blog host is back. Our erstwhile blog owner has yet again abdicated her duties, so it’s left to the People’s Champ/world’s greatest brother to pick up the pieces. This is also really starting to feel like the fence painting scene in Tom Sawyer. Grace has bamboozled her guest hosts into doing her work for her, and we think we’re getting the deal. I resent this. I have to work late and will settle for NOTHING LESS than getting an apt recap to my loyal subscribers! So strap in for two hours of wanna be alphas trying to out-bro each other, all while Chris Harrison tries to goad somebody into giving us a “hold my beer and watch this” moment that makes reality TV so phenomenal. 

Chris comes jogging out to what can only be described as orchestral pump up music. In order to tantalize viewers, we’re immediately treated to a BIP teaser. Following multiple makeout clips, we cut to a stunned Leo on the beach commenting that “everybody has kissed everybody here.” I’m a lil worried that he may have taken one too many knocks to the noggin during his stunt show, because he should not be that oblivious to the premise of Paradise.

In what has to be a BIP first, we have a genuine allegation of witchcraft! Hold onto your brooms—it’s gonna get spooky. (It takes me a few lame jokes before I get rolling.) We also have the seven stages of grief, but it’s compacted into the 3 stages of Colton crying. It starts with small tears, then progresses to he and Tia crying together, and culminates with Colton sobbing on another dude’s shoulder. Hi, Davey - it's the five stages of grief. I go through them every morning when I get out of bed: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... 

And just like that, I’ve lost my Arkansas princess. Tia, Colton, and Sales Trainer/Mr. Glass Chris are ensnared in a love triangle. If somebody is actually picking up what Chris is putting down, swipe left. He seems like he just watched episodes of The Pickup Artist on repeat and figured he knew how to talk to women. I’m pretty sure that every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross. He probably has a "coffee’s for closers" tattoo. But at best, Chris is Stephen Baldwin. At best.

The teaser ends, and we get introduced to our 17 panelists, starting with the guys that everyone forgot. Three guys who didn’t survive night one make the panel, and one of them has the job description of “social media participant.” I’m assuming that means he’s still very active on MySpace. Too bad Becca didn’t put him in her top 8.

They show us “highlights” of the season, and Jean Blanc opines that “you can’t sleep in the game of love.” Which fully explains why he launched a thousand torpedos to sink the SS Love. He was just sleep deprived.

The Jordan/David drama, Jordan in general, and Chris dominate the highlights. Hare asks Chris what happened with Becca, and Chris candidly admits that the wheels fell off. Bruh, it wasn’t just the wheels—it was the transmission, engine, doors, windshield wipers, and seat belts. It was like a moving out-of-state yard sale: everything must go. Conner and Christion also come up with what should be a trending hashtag (is that what the kids say?): #groupdateguys.

This episode seems to have a bubbling undercurrent of genuine dislike and anger. Jean Blanc and Colton exchange some heated insults, and everybody is still livid with Jean Blanc’s flip flop. Colton and Jordan then start verbally sparring, which leads David to decide to jump into the ring.

The real fireworks start when the guys cut after night one decide to go after Jordan. They’ve had months to plan the perfect takedown (that could even lead to a coveted BIP invite), and they finally pick their sport. It does not go anywhere near according to plan. Jordan obliterates them. He then adds insult to injury by mocking one of them for wearing high water pants. I’ve never been accused of being fashionable, but when and why did those pants and sockless loafers become a trend??

Jordan gets in the hot seat, and he’s staring longingly at himself in the recap clip they show. Even Narcissus would tell him he probably should take a step back. To the shock of no one but Colton, Jordan announces that he’s wearing his golden underwear, and he gives the audience a brief (see what I did there?) peek.

Next we hear from Grocery Joe, who has to be the most popular vendor of veggies in America. He further wins the crowd by parrying Hare’s “other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show” questions with deadpan aplomb. (Shamelessly stole that one from Garden State). Hare announces that Joe is bringing his produce to paradise, and Hare goes in for a handclap that he’s hoping will turn into a side bro hug. America’s Grocer is having none of it, and he goes in for a straight handshake. Hare deftly readjusts his grip to avoid the public shame of a rejected side hug.

Wills and Colton have to get in the hot seat, and Hare makes them awkwardly relive their heartbreak. Wills gives great answers to the obligatory dumb questions, and Colton gets emotional talking about his virginity. Jordan gives Colton an unexpected shoutout about respecting him for being true to himself, and it’s warmly received by Colton. Honestly at this point I feel like a CNN reporter live tweeting a White House Press Briefing. Still waiting for the real drama to begin.

Buffalo Jason hops into the hot seat...and it continues to be serious and heavy. In an effort to alleviate the tension, Hare talks about how he didn’t enjoy talking to Becca about how Jason was a great kisser. I’m still feeling all of the awkwardness.

Hare decides to introduce Becca by gleefully announcing that he has “17 broken-hearted men here that can’t wait to talk to Becca.” Once Becca takes the stage, the awkwardness of the episode continues to skyrocket. Jason tells Becca that he hopes they can be friends, he suggests a hug to the wild applause of the audience, and Hare asks if he was really that good of a kisser. Becca then proceeds to ask how Jason’s mom felt about the fact he was known as a good kisser, and I threw my arms around my eyes and ears in a form of solidarity to help Jason escape the awkwardness.

Hare asks if anybody has anything bad to say about Becca, and we have Jean Blanc again making an appearance. He offers up a second bottle of perfume as a gift, and everyone collectively rolls their eyes. Becca asks if anybody in the audience wants to test it, and there are approximately zero takers. Jean Blanc awkwardly leaves the stage.

Hare decides to give Stephen Baldwin the last word. And dammit, he actually gave a pretty decent apology. While bringing the choir back from episode one. But he’ll still be the sales trainer that stole my Arkansas princess, so we’ll probably have to fight if I see him.

We thankfully reach the end of the episode, and they send us off with bloopers! Hare shows us that he’s truly a master craftsman when he interacts with a young girl in the audience of the Richmond debate. Once he hears that the girl is 12, he tells her, “Oh, you’re not actually going to learn anything today then. This is actually what happens when you drop out of school. Stay in school. The world is not flat.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we finally get to see which proposal Becca decides to accept. Remember that the world is round, and stay #blessed.

Special thanks to my in house legal counsel for holding down the fort this week!! Happy Trial to Paul Manafort today!! 

Until the final rose - if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Solid as a Rock...

Hi, Friends. Let's get one thing clear: climate change is HERE. There's no "Sea levels will rise one inch by 2150," we are HERE. Further interesting reading: http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-heat-wave-energy-20180725-story.html#nws=mcnewsletter

I say that since I missed most of the episode because our power was out. The power grid in LA is pretty old but spoiler alert: it's not getting any cooler and people aren't using any less power. THAT BEING SAID, our special guest host this week is... GRAN! I didn't even have to cue her up to greet you all as her subscribers.

Alrighty then subscribers..Gran here called upon at the 11th hour to commentate. First of all, either one of my brilliant, hilarious kiddos could SO do this better than I. Heads up...they had a dinnertime game to see who could make me laugh the most. It was always a draw, because I laughed at them both....AND I have the laugh lines to prove it!

Sooo... Going into week 9, Becca loves all three. PLEASE tell me these dudes don't hafta pay their airfare jetting all over the world? Mercy.

Becca is such a JUMPER. Seriously? Jumps all over these guys! And what's up with the no kiss or no touch after the trail head? Just a big tease or...? The setting would be so peaceful, were it not for Becca's yapping in the background. Honesty, Compromise, Patience and Giving. Do these two have those things? Cause I feel like we'll never know...

Note to Blake...get outta your gnarly head and into your heart! Meanwhile the Beckmiester is disasterizing over in the corner, while Blake is insecure about the 2 other dudes. He looks to stay, not to go, and Becca takes it hook, line, and sinker. OKAY...so waking up in the morning after having sex most of the night?? NOBODY wakes up all made up, and in a robe., So was it a staged or stooged? And WHY does Arie hold so much power over Becca? Again... note to Blake: get outta your head, buddy.

Now onto Jason...is he deluded? He thinks Becca charismatic? How'd I miss that one? And, what's with monkeying with her HAIR? Deep breaths, Becca. get outta YOUR head.. This is your best kisser, don't mess this up! Jason says he feels good. to whom is he lying, himself, or Becca? Either way, he's all in.

So getting hurt is both of their greatest fear...Excuse me?! They signed up for this! Come on, you guys.

Did Jason freeze, just now? What is even happening? Becca is wigged out, and now she's all weepy. And so the Beckmiester backs out. She backs out! Oh, Jason is begging. He is BEGGING. Whoa dude. And Becca has a come to Jesus Moment, and says "What am I doing?" Bye, Jason!

Finally moving onto Garrett. Grace says he has a white nationalist haircut and I can't say I disagree with her. At the beginning, Becca is STILL in her head, yet she thinks it's her heart. Wait. She jumps him...did she jump on Jason? Starting off, it's a lovely raft ride, then it's a traffic jam...Kudos to the producers...They knew it was a national holiday. Mercy, there are people everywhere! 

Becca is asking herself "what's in it for me?" Then they appear in a totally made up set that is supposedly an Oasis...WHAT? Re: Arie, Becca needs to "wash that man outta her hair!" For the millenial subscribers, that's a reference to South Pacific. Garret has his fears, but he's solid like a rock. Oh, wait...I'm SERIOUSLY dating myself.

Becca muses..."I'm in love with Garret" Remember, subscribers: he got the first impression rose. She says to him..."I hope you are the last person. I feel you, I love you." She is his heart's equal. Then comes the rain. Is it foreshadowing? Becca states that she is in love with both Blake and Garret. You might be asking,"How is this possible?" Oh, Wait...its REALITY TV.

Then, there is drama on the horizon with Jason. He confesses that Becca is the only one he loves. It's quite abrupt, Becca is shocked, Jason wants closure as well as justification... He is fighting for her, his love for her was genuine. Is this a second chance? Maybe this crappy scrapbook could help seal the deal? NO, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NYET.

When is this episode end? Oh, wait. With 2 roses. Boring! Can't wait for the MTA next week, and I know Grace sure can't. Whatever she says about birds when she signs off - insert that here. Til next time! 

Guys, give it up for Gran!! So stoked for the MTA next week. Will Garrett be there to face down his bigotry, like Courtney Robertson was? Will there be any sign of Lincoln? WHO EVEN KNOWS. Til then, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

She Thinks His Tractor's Sexy...

Hey subscribers! You know how when your best friend has a best friend you just become friends with them because they're best friends with your best friend? That's Camille, our guest host this week. Special thanks to her for watching, taking notes, and providing us with the Michael Jordan gifs we never knew we always needed. Also quick shoutout to roommate and Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn Murdock, who took the following notes:

First guy. Dunno his name. He’s cute? How do I not know him? Which kid was this?

His family seems fun. Go Mom - rocking a shoulder baring top.

Wait what happened with his ex?

All my notes are just questions. I should stop this.

But really, what the EFF happened with the ex? Was she a lizard person? Was she a he? Did she vote Trump? WHAT DID I MISS?


Thank you for your service, Caro. Ok. Onto Camille's commentary:

Friends,

My name is Camille. I'm from Jackson, MS. I love The Bachelor. I have terrible grammar and I'm ready to voice my opinions. I know Grace through Laura Grace. Here is our awkward photo. I'm the one rocking "the Rachel" 10 years after it was a thing:

Let's dig in

It’s Hometowns. That means I ask my peanut gallery to vote if we are in a real home or a staged home.

Here is a break down by the number for this episode:

• “this house has too much ugly to be fake” 0 fake homes: 4 real homes
• 4 toddler jumps (see above)
• 3 roses
• 2 wind swept hairdos
• And only one Daddy Harrison
• 
  

Garrett: Some farm in California?

We start with Garrett. Can’t wait to hear his family throw his ex-wife under the bus?

Garrett, who as we all remember, exited the limo the minivan and declared himself ready to be a dad. He started their date by having Becca jump on the back of a tractor and they plant tomatoes. I think it was a metaphor of their love growing. Wait no, that was the rose bush they planted next. BORING. But Becca is literally giddy. Giddy.

Here is their exact* conversation:

• Do you like being out here?-I like being out here.
• Could you see yourself out here? - I could see myself out here.

This is Lauren and Arie level deep convo.

Which reminds me - RIP Arie

They talk about Garrett’s last relationship. Reminder - that means mostly this:

Garrett thinks his ex was taking him away from his family. Well, Garrett, not to get all Biblical on your ass but the Bible literally says, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife.” Leave it to Beaver to get this one wrong. This is a dig at the producers for editing Garrett as the wholesome and same values (re: religion) as Becca. We get no real details on 1. any of these values and 2. the ex.

Takeaways from Garrett's family:

• Overall his family doesn't want to see him get hurt again. They imply that they should have stepped in during his last relationship and they're not going to hesitate this time. It's not like Garrett is an almost 30 year old adult capable of making his own decisions.
• His sister literally cries/squeals, "You never want to see somebody be irking (hurting?) like that.” It made my night. We had to rewind it 5 times so I could attempt to write down what she was saying. I have two brothers and I would never let my voice do this on national television for either of them.
• Garrett hugs his grandmother goodbye and tells her, "I love you too," and his dad immediately mocks him.
• This is a huge red flag to those of us who already know Garrett as a misogynistic, racist Tomi-Lahren-liking jerk. Thanks, social media.
• 
  

Overall, Becca is totally into him. They edited this to make Garrett look "wholesome", salt of the earth, and basically like a minivan-driving, soon to be dad, and overall Becca's dream guy. BUT something is off with their chemistry when Becca says goodbye. IDK what.

Jason: Buffalo, NY

We’re on the same page with Jason. Right? He’s still around just because he is a good kisser.

I don't want to fight Grace on her own blog but regarding Newsies:

Movie > Theatrical butchery of the plot and music.

And Jason is Brooklyn.

Hi it's Grace and I am not looking for a fight either but may I suggest that perhaps: 

Netflix Movie Production of the musical > Movie > Live show? 

JUST LISTEN TO JOEY'S ACOUSTIC VERSION OF SANTA FE, OK?? 

( https://www.facebook.com/Newsies/videos/vb.183143071724041/1172753932762945/?type=2&theater )

I'll keep this brief. But my favorite part about watching Jason was when Carly's brother, who stopped by our viewing party, called him " a sleazy investment banker" at the beginning of his segment and then we realized that he really is a senior investment banker and it blew our collective-peanut-gallery-minds.

Wing Eating Contest- can you think of a worse televised date idea? This takes place where the "buffalo" style chicken wing was invented. Their kiss afterward was #saucy I bet. Can't wait to see a future hometown at Chick Fil Et...

Ice Skating- Jason calls Becca, Bec-ster, which sounds like Baxter (oh hey that’s my brother's name) 

like 10 times. 

Perfect segue  to Jason's brother.... He's gay and ABC totally normalizes it. Jason obvi loves and admires his brother and his brother's relationship.

I love Jason.

I love Jason's family.

They are supportive but they also ask him questions that will lead him to think and form his own conclusions.

Jason has a great goodbye.

• Tells her he loves her
• Great kiss #duh
• Becca says I'll miss you

Blake: Bailey, CO

Blake almost seems too innocent for this. He's already told Becca that 1. he's falling in love with her and then last week he said 2. that he's in love with her. He's such a great Bachelor contestant going through the typical Bachelor motions.

Blake takes us to his high school. Ok, before you judge him and the producers for making him look like he's stuck in high school, you need to know two things: 1. Blake's mom worked at the school and Blake says he grew up spending so much time here 2. Blake and Becca sit down in the library. I immediately notice the intern made, computer paper-blue marker #BaileyStrong sign behind them. It turns out during Blake's senior year, there was a school shooting. Blake's mom even made the announcement "Code White" on the intercom. A girl died and this was tragic. Blake goes deep and talks about his perspective after going through this experience.

The interns had a surprise down the high school hall- a concert with Betty Who! Who? Betty Who. Becca seemed pumped. My peanut gallery got in a long debate if Betty Who is wearing a skort and also the difference between skorts with only the flap in front/shorts in back vs. Skirt over shorts. We are team skirt over shorts FYI. I opted to wear a plaid skirt over a navy skort every day of junior/high school so overall I'm team not-skort but am obvi always willing to give my opinion:

We learned a lot about Blake's family last week (his mom cheated on his dad with his basketball coach). We only really see and hear from his mom. She is super protective and mentions how heartbroken he was after his last break up. Becca seems to really like that he's been through heart break. I guess bonus points if it's aired unedited on national television?

They have a great goodbye. Becca is supa into him. A+ kiss. Becca says see you soon. #swoon 

So if you're paying attention, the first three guys just took up an hour. So Colton and the rose ceremony get an hour. What's about to go down?

Colton: Somewhere IDGAF, CO

We’re friends by now, right? Right-ok, time to be blunt. COLTON IS THE WORST. Colton obviously slid into Tia’s dm’s thinking she would be the next Bachelorette. He had a BRIEF career in the NFL and has been trying to gain on his popularity into celebrity. 1. Aly Raisman 2. Fake Non-Profit. Ok it’s real but is he doing it for the right reasons? Also, it's named after himself and it's a personal pet peeve of mine when people can't collaborate with an existing non-profit, but that's a different rant for a different blog that no one will ask me to guest write. 3. I don’t believe that he is a virgin. I think it's all for camera time. I could go on and on and on so TIA for listening. Get it? I just said thanks in advance but also threw Tia under the bus.

Colton takes Becca to a children's hospital. It's so calculated. I refuse to believe that his heart of stone is really gold. I refuse to like Colton. (He is great with the children.)

Colton has a large family. (He is great with the children. )

Colton's dad questions Colton about Becca being ready for another relationship back to back with Arie. Then his dad mentions Tia to Becca. Colton's dad is a bitch. Colton talks to his mom about his virginity, fantasy suites, and tells her that he loves Becca. Mom is on board. I'm overboard #Goldie Hawn 

Colton tells Becca he loves her. They actually have a great goodbye.

 

Girls: Tia, Caroline, Kendall, Seinne, and Bekah (aka short hair Becca)

Nothing like some girl time at a roof top bar with mimosas champagne glasses full of orange juice. Thanks to The Bachelorette liking to spoil themselves, we already knew Tia would be throwing a grenade on Colton and Becca's relationship and honestly, I was let down. Tia obvi was not ready for confrontation. She was hemming and hawing and finally let it out that she still has feelings. Neither girls were prepared for the wind on the rooftop. Thank you, wind. Without you this would have been the worst produced "confrontation" during this franchise ever. Side note: Do we think Becca is friends with these girls? I think she is with Caroline but I'm doubtful on the others. Side side note: Interns did not grab Tia's lip gloss and it's chilling right behind her during the girl talk.

Rose Ceremony

Friends, let me first share with you that I have been struggling with the fashion statements this season. Obviously, Wills and Jordan do not count.

Garrett- All black. Did you think this Rose Ceremony would be your funeral?

Blake- WTF are you wearing. All black with a red bow tie. You look like a preppy Chicago Bull. You’re not Michael Jordan, this isn’t the 90’s, and this is not a look.

Jason- I liked his outfit… just not his hair

Colton- Gosh, I do not like you. You look like a 90’s Chicago Bull with your too-blue suit pushed up on your arms, t-shirt underneath, and I didn't see but I assume Colton was not wearing socks. If Becca is wearing a sequined gown the least you can do is put on socks.

 

Colton walks in and immediately plays the “I’m a virgin” story card to Daddy Chris Harrison. You can tell that Colton knows he’s getting a rose and trying to pave the way to becoming Sean Lowe and take the fantasy out of the Fantasy Suite. Spoiler alert: Colton goes home to BIP with Tia

Roses go to:

Blake

Jason

Garrett

We see the preview of Becca crying on a bed for the ONE MILLIONTH time with her saying "I did to him what Arie did to me." I don't know what this means or what will happen... but if there is a Bachelor god then we will for sure see the-morning-after- Jason with non-slicked back hair so America can decide if he's attractive or not. Is that too much to ask for Bachelor producers and interns?

 

*not exact, but pretty damn close