JUST SHOW UP

WOW, WHERE DO WE EVEN BEGIN?!

 

Honestly let’s just pick up where we left off. Except I don’t know where we left off, so who even cares. This franchise is so gloriously off the rails at this point that nothing even matters anymore. 

 

So far my biggest takeaway about filming this season in a pandemic is that the producers of this show should be running the federal Pandemic Task Force. This was one of the first shows to go back up after everything was locked down, and they clearly did a good job. (sidenote: it’s not hard to “do a good job” not spreading Covid when you have GOBS OF MONEY at your disposal from over FIFTY seasons of hit shows – yes, there have been a total of over fifty seasons of shows from this franchise. Respek.)

 

GROUP DATE: LOVE LANGUAGES

But that being said, the producers have clearly just given up on the dates this season. This Rapunzel tower on the Love Languages date was clearly a leftover set piece from the La Quinta High School production of Into the Woods. And it’s possible that it could have been cut for time, but where was the “acts of service” love language portion on this date? (Cause that’s mine.) So bizarre for the dudes to have to give her words of affirmation when they DO NOT know her. I could have done without the physical touch portion of the date. Mostly because it was so cringeworthy but also because I have taken the 5 Love Languages quiz so many times and the only constant is that I always score a 0% on physical touch. It’s kind of been the highlight of the pandemic for me – it will be socially acceptable not to go within 6 feet of someone for the next two years and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

 

WE GET IT. SHE LIKES DALE. If any of y’all were weirded out by her saying that she could recognize the dudes based on how they smelled, you’ve clearly never had a friend with the nose of a bloodhound, aka me. I can get a whiff of someone walking by at the grocery store and tell you what they had for lunch that day and the last time they took a shower. But you know where I talk about these things? ON A BLOG. I don’t announce them to people’s faces (unless I’m accusing a roommate of using my Herbal Essence shampoo when I told him not to, cause I smelled it when he got out of the shower. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BRYAN) Part of what makes Clare so socially awkward is that she has to BROADCAST everything she’s thinking, VERY MANICALLY, right in the moment. Announcing “I’m like, really big on smell, so I can tell who is in front of me even with a blind fold” IS WEIRD. Announcing “I’m big on vibes and I LOVE you energy” IS WEIRD!!

 

I also take umbrage with the “special gifts” part of the date, because special gifts is how I show love, personally. (Yes it still feels super materialistic to me, but once I finally gave in and just began sending people books from Amazon as often as I wanted, I started thriving.) They HAD to have told the dudes to bring something beforehand. No way that one dude just BROUGHT A CHESSBOARD with him. (Unless he stole the piece from a set in Harvard Bennet’s room.) That one dude who gave her his “favorite shirt” definitely got that thing from the La Quinta gift shop six minutes before handing it to her.

 

When they all sat down at the end of the day for “quality time,” none of the men (read: Dale) pulled her aside, and she got pissy. Poor Bennett was sweating his face off as he spoke to her, but she couldn’t even listen to him because her pride was too wounded. I like the fact that she cut him off and told him she couldn’t be present with him when there was something on her mind, but the “something on her mind” was pretty pathetic, if you ask me. Clare, you’ve been driving the narrative of this whole day, telling the dudes where to go and when, and what's coming next. And you think that when you sit down with them that they’ll all (read: Dale) know immediately to try and steal you away? These are MILLENNIAL MEN, Clare. They don’t have a clue. One of the gals I was watching with (ON A WELL-VENTILATED, SPARSELY POPULATED SCREENED IN PORCH) is a therapist and when I wondered aloud “How is she.... so entitled to their attention?” she pointed out that entitlement is the other side of the coin for insecurity. With a wound (like lack of feeling valued, etc) there is an insecurity about it, but there is also an entitlement about how it is OWED. (I should watch with therapists more often.)

 

I love how she said she “needed to get this out in the open before it was bottled up and just exploded.”

 

GIRL THAT WAS AN EXPLOSION.

 

Yosef said “Allow me to speak for the group when I say that…” but never finished his sentence. Riley immediately jumped down his throat and told him not to speak for the group. I feel like I would have at least heard what he had to say before I reprimanded him for speaking for the group. (Although it looks like nothing Yosef has to say is super great.) Poor Zac C TRIED to make up for it with a “well can I steal you right now” but poor Zac C is NOT Dale, so she wasn’t interested. But obviously when Dale pulled her aside, she immediately perked up. (sidenote: what happened to Bennett? She left him sweating on a bench and we never saw him again.) She gave Riley the group date rose after an awkward prom dance. The production budget was blown on Covid tests so they clearly couldn’t afford to license actual music by Boys II Men.  

 

ONE ON ONE: JASON

This one on one date was EVERYTHING. I don’t even know where to begin. Clearly they’re really leaning into the this-is-a-mature-bachelorette-that-isn’t-wasting-time trope, but WOW THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR A FIRST DATE, OK. I think I’m gonna have to do bullet points cause I have so many thoughts about it:

-       You know that poor dude was already five drinks in when he arrived. I’m sure he started pounding whiskey as soon as he got a date card that said “vulnerability.”

o   Speaking of date card – HOW VERY ON BRAND for Clare to send a THREE PAGE date card. As someone who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “brevity,” I have no choice but to stan.

-  My personal pet theory is that one of the producers from the Nexivm doc wound up on this season and was like "LET'S PULL A NANCY SALZMAN AND DO A CONDENSED EXPLORATION OF MEANING SESSION AND MAKE THIS SUCKER CONFRONT EVERY SINGLE DEMON EVER IN FORTY FIVE MINUTES"

- Where did those terra cotta tablets come from? I mean I know it’s the desert so they weren’t hard to find, but it looked like they were writing on them with those scented magic markers, which had to have felt like nails on a chalkboard? They looked like wood, so we were all relieved when they DID shatter easily. (Honestly I feel like Keith and Nancy would have LOVED terra cotta tablets in an EM)  

o   I also liked that Jason had the self-awareness to recognize being called “manipulative.” Haha that’s also a GLARING red flag, but I don’t know who he could possibly manipulate when he could barely put three words together by the end of the night.

o   Also just what kind of "demons" are we talking here, Jase? My man makes it sound like he watched his parents kill a guy?  

-       Ah, who doesn’t love a good letter to your younger self? This is such a weird one. I was disappointed that neither party chose to take the opportunity to say things like “dear younger self, be sure and buy plenty of stock in Apple. Get lots of toilet paper and rations for the freezer at the beginning of 2020…” The MOST IMPORTANT thing to come from a letter to your younger self is DEFINITELY the insider trading aspect – tell your younger self where to put their money, HELLO. 

-       Literally NO ONE cares about that stupid dress. He clearly had no idea what it was when she pulled it out. And tried to tell her it was ugly. But kind of covered for it. But was kind of drunk.

-       Bottom line: Clare isn’t into this guy. I’m not even sure why she chose him for the date – he was the dude who came out of the limo with a baby bump? But he is very clearly a PROJECT to her. Also I need to be clear – how Clare was asking questions and making points about his past is literally me with every dude I meet at a bar. I know this game well. But we do it with projects, not potentials. And even her body language was closed off. Her legs were crossed and pointed away from him and she had her arm crossed up over her chest holding her drink – she’s not interested in this guy, but had no problem showing everyone that she can get deep on a first date. That poor guy probably had such a vulnerability hangover the next day. 

(And a real one.)

 

GROUP DATE: DODGEBALL

I thought we were done cringing after that date, BUT WOW THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE IN STORE. Call me an old granny if you want, I am very unmoved by scatological humor. I think ball jokes are tired and unfunny. And I find it disturbing that Clare announces to the guys that she’s “looking for a man with balls” and somehow managed to relate that to the physical reveal of his anatomy, but let’s be real – that was production. Strip Dodgeball wasn’t Clare’s idea, it was production’s. Were the men’s bodies super objectified here? Yes. But does the show do much else BESIDES objectification? No.

 

Also RIP, Fred Willard – you know he would’ve been ALL OVER this date.

 

Props to that production assistant that got to play the referee – you know his entire family tuned in to see his big screen debut.

 

I can’t believe there is a dude on this season named Chasen. Every time I think the Bachelor franchise can’t possibly out-Bachelor themselves, they do. Also props to him, cause he’s the first “Chasen” that comes up on Instagram – that’s what having a unique name will get you, even if it’s a uniquely frat-tastic name like Chasen. Shout out to the gig that he didn’t land as the caveman in the Geico commercials. But he got the rose.

 

Blake Moynes pulled a Tierra and showed up and it was weird AF. (Also is BLAKEMOYNES a double name? Did he insist on his last name being in there? Lots of questions) Even though she’s an independent woman who don’t need no man, Clare clearly took her cues about BlakeMoynes’ presence from the men who showed up and circled him like the Sharks vs. Jets, and she sent him packing after denying him a kiss. Why he went in for it in the first place remains a mystery. (But then she later pulled a Peter with Kelsey and gave him a rose before the rose ceremony, essentially placing a weird target on his back.)

 

Seemed like we’d have a normal boring rest of the night UNTIL BRANDON TRIED TO TALK TO HER. I’m still wondering if maybe we didn’t see some of the footage, cause this was truly the weirdest moment of the night, which is obviously saying a LOT. I don’t know how else to organize my thoughts but to produce some bullet points:

-       He said he wanted to get to know her. Knew she was from Sacramento and would love to learn more. This is normal.

-       We are currently living in an age where it is STILL CONSIDERED WEIRD to bombard someone with facts that you have gleaned about them from the internet, prior to a date. If *I’M* saying that as a 30-year-old, it doubly applies to Clare!

-       But here we go with the entitlement again: SHE IS ENTITLED TO A MAN WHO HAS GONE OVER ALL OF HER BACHELOR FRANCHISE FOOTAGE WITH A FINE-TOOTHED COMB. And the other side of the coin – insecurity! SURELY HE COULDN’T JUST BE HERE FOR HER LOOKS! (Honestly if a man told me he was just there for my looks, I’d be flattered enough to give him a rose. My looks are always last on the docket)

-       She mentioned that other guys admired her “drive” or “how she stood up for herself.” Girl, your DRIVE?! What do they actually know about your DRIVE?! She of all people should be offended that someone would come in acting like they know her after only watching her on TV. (Unless that someone is Dale)

-       Brandon actually handled it pretty well. Besides getting super sweaty. Usually guys choke and get defensive in this situation, but he did fine. And I’m sure he’ll have a great redemption tour on the Zoom Men Tell All. Very possible that he’s just one of those GOOD LOOKING DUDES who has never had to have much substance to what he says because he’s so good-looking, but I’d give him an 8/10 on his performance.

 

Some final thoughts on Clare:

-       She keeps saying she’s “been to therapy” and “done all this work,” but I feel like she’s had a VERY mediocre therapist. When you have a truly great therapist, you wind up talking more about specific things that you’ve learned about yourself, rather than “I’ve done a lot of work.”

-       SHE STILL HAS A LONG WAY TO GO. Do y’all notice how her breathing gets SUPER erratic when she’s uncomfortable? It happened when she was talking to Sweaty Bennett and had wounded pride, and it happened again when BlakeMoynes crashed the group date. Her breathing gets really shallow and her words get super choppy. Usually indicative of poor coping mechanisms and inability to self-regulate.

-       Every time she’s with Dale, she looks like she wants to slowly chew his clothes off with her teeth. And NOT in a good way. In a way that makes me worried that she’d be willing to accept a proposal from him LITERALLY ANY TIME because she’s been so swept away by a lustful fantasy of the promise of a fairy tale, (And she’s entitled to it, remember?!)

 

Can’t wait to see where this season takes us. It’s good to be back.

 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!