I Felt It. I Accepted It.

WOW GOOD MORNING TO MY FRIENDS AND SUBSCRIBERS WHAT A WEEKEND WE’VE HAD.

 

Couple of things:

1)    I watched last weeks’ episode two times.

2)    Honestly the best thing for Election Night would have been if they’d just given us the show, instead of the media circus that we got while we all bit off our fingernails, but you’re looking at a newly minted Steve Kornacki stan, which is more than he had yesterday!

3)    Do you think Clare and Dale are mad that their engagement was overshadowed by the election?

4)    Do you think Clare and Dale are real people? 

 

 

Let’s get right into it – that journal Clare is using is TRASH. Her entirely unstable emotional well-being can be traced back to the fact that she’s writing her feelings down on poor quality paper from the 99 Cent Store. AND I LOVE THE 99 CENT STORE!

 

….but not for journals.

 

Ok so here’s the thing: I didn’t realize that Chris Harrison was gonna call this whole thing off. You say tomato, I say to-MAH-to, Chris Harrison says: LET’S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF. I thought that Clare was gonna say “I want to leave with Dale,” not be goaded into it by Chris. This is a fascinating role for Hare, because up until this point, we’ve ONLY seen him as a host, not a producer. He usually shows up and just TELLS PEOPLE how things are going to go. “Chad, you WILL leave the premises for being a drunken mess last night." or "Remaining couples in the Bachelor in Paradise Pagoda, you WILL go to the fantasy suite now." But he had to go in there and CONVINCE Clare that having a one-on-one to see if Dale liked her back was the best idea. I mean he’s only had 65,000 seasons of television to prepare for this moment, and he did ok. He DID come in doing Clare’s weird, uneven breathing thing at the top but then he seemed to get it together as he calmly told her she’d blown up the Bachelorette. I wonder how many different versions of that sound bite the producers tried before they settled on that one.

 

Personally I thought it was pretty messed up that Hare asked her if Dale reminded her of her dad. Especially followed by his wiping away a fake tear. I actually don’t know that I’ve ever met a man who reminds me of my dad, but I can tell you one thing for sure: I’d know if he reminded me of my dad after a cross-country road trip, not after spending a combined total of four hours with him.

WE LOVED CADILLAC RANCH THO.

The height difference doesn't make for good selfies... 

Even Clare’s fake lashes are giving up on her, here. I don’t know anything about brows or contouring or threading or honestly makeup, but I know bad lashes when I see them. If they can bring DeAnna in from Texas, they can bring in one of the ten billion lash extension artists that live in Los Angeles.

 

I don’t think I’ve reflected on how terrible the mantra of “Just show up” is. Becca’s “let’s do the damn thing!” was overdone, but at least it was cute and well-intentioned. I am still doing zoom workouts with friends to pass the time and the other day one of the stupid instructors on the youtube video said “Just press play, it will keep getting easier!” My blog post on virtual workout video instructors is a whole ‘nother thing, but when she said that, I realized that even THAT was a better mantra than just show up. Just show up should be the slogan of like, the DMV, not a woman looking for love, MERCY.

 

I’m actually going to go out on a limb here and share something with you guys that I haven’t talked about before – I actually know what it’s like to know in your gut when you’ve found The One, even though everyone doubts you.

 

I had to find a dress for an event when I was in college and I thought it was going to take MONTHS. I walked into the first store in Miami, had them take me to the Clearance Section, and put my hand on the first dress and said “Oh… this is my dress!” and the woman said “Girl, does it have your name on it?” and I said “It is SINGING to me!” I tried on a few other dresses just to pretend like I’d given other options a fair shot, but I bought the dress. Everyone kept asking me “Are you sure? Do you not want to look around some more?” My mom was VERY anxious that I’d made a mistake. But I knew. I knew in my bones as soon as I saw the dress that it was made for me.

 

I wore it, and it looked FABULOUS.

 

HATE ON, HATERS.

 

….that was a dress.

 

………not a relationship.

 

I’m so anxious as we go into this dinner with Dale. You could see the wheels start to turn when Chris Harrison pulled him aside. Up until this point, I think Dale was riding high on being the frontrunner, and choosing to pull her aside as much as he did just to keep his status in first place. (I say “as much as he did” like it’s been weeks – it was like, two times. But to Clare it was apparently enough to warrant a joint checking account.)

 

Clare immediately unloads all her hopes and dreams on Dale, telling him that he reminds her of her father, and every other awful over-eager social faux pas we have been taught to avoid. It could have been a trick of editing, but it would appear that Dale DEFTLY PIVOTED, and asked her about her parents. (Obviously trying to figure out who her father even was, to see if the comparison was warranted.)

 

AND WOW NO WONDER CLARE IS THE WAY THAT SHE IS! HER FATHER PROPOSED TO HER MOTHER AFTER THREE WEEKS!!

 

I’m a big believer that we grow up wanting our parents’ love stories – if nothing else, because they’re usually the first love stories we learn about! So NO WONDER she is ready for a proposal after sixty seconds. WOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Throw in the fact that BOTH THEIR DADS HAVE HITCHIKING STORIES? CAN YOU SAY “MATCH MADE IN CRAWLEY HEAVEN?!?!”

 

She really seems to gloss over her parents’ relationship because if it had truly been totally smooth sailing, I doubt she’d have so many attachment issues. She then essentially asks Dale how he got over his mom’s death. And he… Does not answer her. Unless the name of his therapist got left on the cutting room floor, he literally just fast-forwarded through his mother’s death, straight to Clare being announced as the Bachelorette.

 

I don’t use emojis, but if I did, I’d just the SUSPICIOUS ONE here.

 

Clare continues to look at Dale like she is Mr. Potter of Bedford Falls and he is a pile of cold, hard cash. I feel like she is looking at him with the same gleam in her eye that a businessman sees when he’s about to close a lucrative deal. She is a product of materialism and just wants the PRODUCT. She sees Dale as A MAN THAT CAN GIVE HER THE ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING THAT SHE WANTS.

 

And it is SO uncomfortable to watch.

 

The only thing I have to say about the rest of the night is WHY ARE HER FEET SO DIRTY? When they climbed on the bed, her feet look like mine do after walking around barefoot in my brother’s apartment for three minutes (JK, DAVEY – THANKS FOR LETTING ME QUARANTINE AT YOUR PLACE WHEN I CAME HOME THIS SUMMER)

 

 

What followed the next morning was one of the most disturbing scenes in Bachelor history. We saw them in bed (keep in mind – they’d had a chance to get up and freshen up – we saw breakfast on the bed, this wasn’t rolling RIGHT OUT OF BED) and Dale proceeded to keep his eyes closed THE ENTIRE TIME.

 

This is VERY telling.

 

This is indicative of a literally avoidance of reality. Think about when you close your eyes in real life; what kinds of expressions people are usually making:

-       closing their eyes as they shake their head in disbelief, because something doesn’t make sense – and they can’t face it.

-       closing their eyes as they grimace in pain over a mistake, willing reality to change, trying not to face reality.

-       closing their eyes in joy (for me, it’s biting into the center part of a soft sugar cookie from Ralph’s) thinking “surely this has to be a dream” this can’t be real.

 

Dale was literally trying to avoid reality. He was closing his eyes to shut out what was in front of him. Because what was in front of him was a really clingy and demanding woman with terrible fake lashes. That moment when she asked him what would happen next and he said he hadn’t thought about it and she anxiously tapped his chest and nagged “no but THINK ABOUT IT!”

 

Maybe I cringe so much at Clare because I’m so afraid of BEING her? Or people perceiving me the way I perceive her? I can’t remember the last time someone called me desperate or needy or clingy, so it doesn’t feel like an accurate comparison, but I have been known to fly off the handle with my insecurities.

 

I still don’t know if Dale had totally figured out that it was over at this point. But he definitely didn’t wanna be there.

 

My final comment about the morning is shout out to her trainer because her legs look great in that romper.

 

 

Clare sits down with Hare and proceeds to tell him an even more outlandish motto: You know they love you WHEN THEY DON’T RUN.

 

Clare, you know they love you when they stop to pick up cookies for you. You know they love you when they turn the electric blanket on for you before you get home. YOU KNOW THEY LOVE YOU WHEN THEY SEND YOU DANK MEMES. When they don’t run?!?! The audacity.

 

Here is actual footage of me after this conversation with Hare:

It seems like even Clare didn’t know a proposal was coming. On the one hand, I get it. The producers had to go for the highest stakes if they were gonna blow up the show. Of COURSE they were gunning for a proposal. I guess I was surprised by how calmly Hare told Clare what was going to happen, and HOW CALMLY SHE ACCEPTED IT.

 

But of course she did. Because she is certifiable.

 

She goes to tell the guys and she clearly didn’t have any time to plan what she was going to say. She did her weird breathing thing and basically shouted at them that you can’t hate on love, and expected them to be happy for her. Somehow Boy Band Kenny drew the shortest straw and had to be the Poor Sport. He made a good point about her not being present in her conversations, which is a legitimate complaint for someone whose motto is “just show up,” but what’s the point, Kenny? I think Zac C might be my favorite dark horse. He just kind of quietly observes everything, AND he was the one who tried to say “Ok, well, Clare I’d love to steal you away right now!” after her group date meltdown when no one jumped at the chance to pull her aside.

 

Poor Jason is STILL nursing his vulnerability hangover from the Therapy Date. I don’t think we’ve ever had a First Date Crash and Burn like his. I mean he thought they were going to get MARRIED after that date, no wonder he’s bummed. And Blake Moynes and the book on dementia! I was touched by that until Carolyn’s boyfriend goes “Dude, he bought a book cause this is a game and he wanted to win.” And I was like “Ok well I’m no longer touched but like, gotta respect the game.”

 

 

After FaceTiming Neil Lane (who is VERY CLEARLY on the premises and just didn’t have enough time to quarantine to appear on camera in person) Hare sits Dale down to let him know HE WILL BE PROPOSING. TONIGHT. Dale avoids a lot of eye contact with Chris, and absently scratches his face, which is a self-soothing gesture. BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS GUY WAS SPIRALING.

 

Here’s the thing: I think Dale is a good dude. Seems like a perfectly fine guy. According to what I’ve read, he wants a broadcasting career. (Don’t we all?) I would imagine he came on the show for the exposure (Don’t we all?) Probably didn’t imagine he’d be the frontrunner, certainly not the immediate frontrunner, and DEFINITELY NOT must-propose-now-or-face-certain-death-frontrunner… So he has two choices:

1)    Give Bachelor Nation a reality check and say “what are you TALKING ABOUT I literally just met you”

Be hated and villainized everywhere before disappearing into obscurity,

 

OR

2) Go along with it. Propose. Be engaged for a while. Hit 1M on Insta. Act cluelessly overwhelmed about the prospect of marriage in a few months and amicably part ways. Keep 1M on Insta. Get broadcasting career.

 

….Clearly he went for the latter option.

 

And for all the awful sequins that we’ve been subjected to this season, the Meaghan Markle wedding dress knock off ain’t so bad. We knew it was gonna either be no sequins at all or just ONE GIANT SEQUIN for this proposal outfit.

The whole thing was very strange. I felt like both of them were having an out-of-body experience. They didn’t seem really connected. It’s like Clare is more connected to the idea of Dale in her mind than she is to him in real life.

 

He pulled out a ring and got down on one knee like he was supposed to, but then Clare MADE SURE HE STAYED ON THAT ONE KNEE FOR A WHILE, telling him “Hold on, put that ring on my finger I've waited a long time for this!”

 

Also Clare literally two years ago:

 

Her comments after they stood up and kissed included, but were not limited to

1)    “I mean look at you, though!”

Like he’s literally a piece of meat.

2)    “Clare Moss has such a nice ring to it…”

Reminder: we are still so early on in the process that this sounds like an obsessive seventh grader reading from her journal.

Dale’s comments after they stood up and kissed included, but were not limited to:

1)    “I felt it”

2)    “I accepted it”

He accepted it. The AUDACITY!! He “accepted” that he was a pawn in Clare’s grand vision for her life. She even told him that she’d “waited for THIS” for so long, not “waited for YOU.”

 

I go back and forth because I want to say that I hope we never hear from Clare again, cause I find her kind of insufferable. But then I remember that she’s being replaced by TAYSHIA, who is one of my least favorites. I remember cringing all the way through Tayshia’s dates with Colton, because I felt like she wasn’t even genuinely connecting with him, she was too invested in presenting herself as the kind of woman she thought he wanted. (And honestly, what kind of woman DOES Colton want, because seriously no one knows. Did y’all see Cassie dropped all the charges?)

 

Honestly it seems hard to imagine Clare and Dale making it through the holidays. Especially when they live on separate coasts and it’s a pandemic. If he spends Thanksgiving with her, I’ll just hear “I felt it. I accepted it” on repeat in my mind. All of their footage together post-show feels VERY stilted. And disconnected. And if they DO make it through the holidays, I’ll honestly see it as how badly they both want the post-show fame.

 

Ugh. Here comes Tayshia. 

 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

 

 

PS I don’t understand Dale’s football career, nor do I really care, but here’s what’s on Wikipedia, in case anyone was wondering:

After going undrafted in the 2012 NFL Draft, Moss signed with the Green Bay Packers on May 11, 2012. He was waived at the end of the preseason during final roster cuts on August 31, 2012. He then signed with the practice squad of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on September 3, 2012, and was released on November 13. Two weeks later, he signed with the practice squad of the Chicago Bears.

After spending the remainder of the 2012 NFL season on the Bears' practice squad, he signed a reserve/futures contract with the team on December 31, 2012. He was waived on June 10, 2013. Moss then was signed by the Carolina Panthers on June 19, 2013, and was waived on August 24, 2013.

Moss was assigned to the Los Angeles Kiss of the Arena Football League in January 2014. After making nine catches for the Kiss, he was placed on recallable reassignment on April 23, 2014. He re-signed with the Chicago Bears on July 29, 2014, and was waived during final roster cuts on August 30, 2014.