Aaaaand we are OFF to the races with Tayshia! Just like the producers had given up by Clare's Love Language date (didn't that feel like it was 10,000 years ago?) stylist Cary Fetman has given up on dressing Tayshia. He clearly grabbed some military garb from one of the bases out in the desert, threw some sparkles on it and called it a day. But Tayshia is still a STUNNA, I'll give her that.
By the grace of the La Quinta gods, we have no awkward limo entrances tonight! Just.... lots and lots of awkward hugs. SO many. Like literally went around the room and hugged everyone. Aka my actual worst nightmare.
I have to say that I DO like Tayshia's energy more than Clare's. There's something less entitled and way less nervous about her. And the dudes were clearly excited. But why does she keep talking about how hot they are? Uncomfortable emphasis on their appearance...
Riley says that he's interested in finding out who she is and where she came from... Here's to hoping Tayshia is a little more gracious and doesn't send him packing IMMEDIATELY for having the audacity not to have WRITTEN HER BIOGRAPHY by now. When he finally does talk to her, I'm terribly bored by their conversation, but I guess it's necessary for us to learn about Tayshia, since she didn't even get an intro package.
I'd put Jordan in my top 5 for cutest guys, and he only endeared himself to me further by telling her that she had "big-ass eyes."
BlakeMoynes tells her that he has no expectations (which is honestly a good tactic for him, to say that he was super geared up for Clare, but can now just focus on getting to know Tayshia without all the preconceived notions and ideas) but he should have told her he had no expectTAYSHIAns, AMIRITE? (I'll see myself out)
Tayshia sits down with Turtleneck Brendan and is having aNOTHER boring intro conversation, when CHRIS HARRISON OF ALL PEOPLE, comes to whisk her away. Haha we have NEVER seen Hare interrupt one on
one time! He has never said CAN I STEAL YOU FOR A SEC!!
Aaaaaand he pulls her aside to tell her eVeRyThiNg Is aBoUt To cHaNGe.
NARRATOR: Everything was not about to change.
Yada yada, more guys arrive, blah blah blah...
This DOES seem like proof that they had a bit more of an agenda to get Clare out earlier than they might have let on - remember this is earlier in the summer when there weren't rapid tests - these dudes had to arrive, quarantine, get tested, quarantine again... So they'd been there for a while.
Spencer is clearly a dude the dragged off the streets of LA, and he legitimately has more gel in his hair than a sixth grade boy. I'm CONCERNED by the fact that she SO VERY QUICKLY announced "Oh Spencer is my TYPE. I would GO for a guy like Spencer..." You know where I would go for a guy like Spencer? At a bar. I'd quickly get him talking about the women in his life and how he was secretly resentful of his sister and how he felt like his dad was never really there for him. I'd point out to him how he probably treats women pretty terribly. And then I'd never see him again. THAT'S where I'd go for a guy like Spencer.
Spencer goes inside and the guys are NOT happy. The only two dudes who show any sign of playing nice are Zach C. and Jason. Jason went full on Principle Gold from She's the Man and basically sang Spencer a welcome song and I was NOT MAD. When I googled the gif for this moment, the thing that came up was so perfect I couldn't have even written it myself:
Other guys: I love Montel's vibes, Peter feels like a tool, Noah seems like a chill dude (although according to the promos, everyone is going to hate him. Can't wait.)
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| ACCURATE THO |
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I am going to be laughing about this on my deathbed. |
I think I like Ben. He looks a lot like my fave Zach C, but with more of an underbite. The dudes on this season look eerily more similar than usual, which is saying a LOT. I was V V WORRIED about Ben trying his dance moves on Tayshia, but it went way better than I was expecting. Ten points for you, Ben Coco.
Tayshia says that Zach C. is "interesting" and I
think the word she's looking for is "sober." I'm telling you I LIKE THIS GUY.
In a disappointing turn of events, she gave the first impression rose to Spencer and WENT FOR IT with the kiss. Which, honestly, wasn't a bad idea. These guys (although not Spencer, I guess) are probably so used to walking on eggshells and not knowing what they're gonna get, that they need a woman to take the lead for a second.
An already-hammered Bennett congratulates Spencer on getting the rose. I guess they teach you that at Harvard.
THEN WE GET TO THE “AFTR” WITH DALE AND CLARE. (Dlare? Cale? I’ll workshop it)
Apparently this was filmed way back in August, after they’d only been engaged for about a month. But according to social media, they’re still together, looking for houses in Sacramento, and she met his family this weekend.
The most notable thing about this interview was Hare saying “DAAAAYUM” on television. I genuinely don’t think we’ve ever heard him use that word before.
Clare proceeds to gush about Dale and say things like “I felt like we’d known each other… And I can’t put words to it.” CLARE, YOU LITERALLY JUST PUT WORDS TO IT, SHEESH.
CLARE: I just needed a man to show up for me. I didn’t need to get proposed to.
NARRATOR: She did.
This is so weird without the audience and I love it. I wonder how they kept their energy up, because you know that music wasn’t playing in the background when Dale walked out.
Hare asked if it was love at first sight and Dale replies, “Well see, it’s weird how we play things in our mind before they happen…” I think I’ve said this before, but Dale is certainly not the most articulate human to ever walk the Earth.
Literally WHAT DOES IT MEAN to “show up”?!?! Why is that the only thing Clare wants?
Oh. Oh I see. It means pacing around the pool with someone. Excuse me while I continue to journal about why I don’t understand this.
I'm trying to think of what my version of this schtick would be if I were the bachelorette and all I've got is "I just wanted... cookies. And a visor. And he brought me both."
Clare’s dad wanted her “to be ok,” and WOW, now that she’s found a man, BOOM! SHE IS OK!
Also the way that she gushes about BEING WITH SOMEONE is troubling. She just wants the relationship! (And we will soon find out: the babies) I can’t wait to gush about how I’ve found a man who will spontaneously bring me cookies and is excited to eat grocery store sushi with me in the Ralph’s parking lot and has read more than one Shakespeare play since high school. Clare is just NEBULOUSLY gushing about… romance? happiness? I honestly don’t even know. She’s stoked about something, but it’s way too general to feel sustainable. Sunbeams out of my heart? WHAT?
Hare saying what we are all thinking – Dale totally glossed over the baby! ALSO worrisome.
I think I said this last time - I don't see these two making it through the end of the year. Can't wait to see Dale on Bachelor in Paradise. Good riddance, you two.
BACK TO TAYSHIA:
Ok my first takeaway about Tayshia is that SHE HAS A WAY BETTER JOURNAL. I’m already giving her points for that.
GROUP DATE: Let's Get Scantily Clad!
Tayshia comes out of the pool like some Palm Springs Bond Girl and the men all drool. WE GET IT, SHE'S PRETTY. The men gather around the pool and remove their clothes and it becomes clear that Boy Band Kenny has literally never removed a shirt from his torso before, but he’s also never owned a suit, so I guess I’m not too surprised.
Why is there SO much emphasis from her on their appearance? Tayshia's “Let me see what I’m working with, take off your clothes?” WHAT? And why are we always insisting that the men don as little clothing as possible? (I mean I KNOW why, but also.... why tho)
Ohhhh it’s another competition date. Is Blake Moynes on this da- OH WOW YES HE IS. Is he going to lose two times in a row is the ONLY thing I want to know.
In the locker room, we see that mah boi Zach C. is clearly familiar with a sun salutation. Guys that do yoga are so hot. I hate yoga. And guys that do things that I don’t have the patience for are HOT.
The game begins and ok WOW I was NOT expecting the underwater cam of their pasty thighs, but #2020. Is this water polo? Water foot game? HydroSport? Who cares.
The team that BlakeMoynes (say it like it's a double name - it's fun) is NOT on wins the game. Apparently the winning team got to do an open bar BBQ with Tayshia, but it weirdly wasn't filmed? The whole crew gathers in the evening, solely to avoid a weird BlakeMoynes SoreLoser interruption.
Wow Eazy proceeds to tell her that he thinks he just met his wife. Bold. Also worth noting that Eazy has been accused of sexual assault. His accuser has spoken with the legal team at NZK, which is no small step. Seemed worth mentioning.
And now thanks to Riley, I’m going to start calling every person I don’t like “lunch meat.” He and Spencer had some kind of exchange that must have been weirdly edited, because I came away understanding they'd agreed to a duel at dawn. Somebody pop the popcorn.
Eazy gets the rose. Yawn. I still like Zach C. the best.
Awwww poor Jason. He was literally emotionally terrorized by Clare, no wonder he is unwell. He goes to tell Tayshia that he's leaving. Hope that guy finds someone who won't stomp on his heart. Also weird that they showed this clip here when it was clearly filmed right before the evening portion of her date with Brendan. Did they think we wouldn't notice?
One on One: BRENDAN
Honestly I wish that Brendan had been sitting next to his bestie Joe when he got the news about the one on one.
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| MORE OF THIS, PLZ |
Not QUITE sure why she liked this guy so much. I honestly don’t care about the turtleneck, but he seemed pretty nervous and shy when they talked for eight seconds before Hare interrupted them.
It’s honestly impressive for Tayshia to lead these two horses beside a swimming pool right now. Bennett was showing ZERO interest in her until she showed up as an equestrian and his Harvard ears perked RIGHT UP.
Ok honestly I don’t hate the Chris Harrison cameos on this date. They could do way worse than this.
WHY DOES HE KEEP TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO KISS HER WHEN THEY ARE ON HORSES? PLEASE DON’T TRY TO KISS HER WHILST ON HORSEBACK, BRENDAN.
Brendan just seems like a huge dweeb and I honestly kind of love it. And Tayshia REALLY loves it.
If I had $800,000 and the best researchers in the world, I STILL couldn’t tell you what “vibing” means. But apparently Tayshia and Brendan are doing so.
I know no one was asking, but this is to serve as a reminder to you that TAYSHIA DATED COLTON. I just remembered that and was kind of floored. 1) that it was so long ago and 2) that it was… COLTON.
I honestly don’t know anything about divorce, but it’s got to be hard to have an early divorce for a not explosive reason. People like tidy answers. And “we fell out of love” always leaves them asking more questions, which has to be annoying. Also it has to be hard to get divorced when you married a FAMILY FRIEND? I mean my dad would die of happiness if I married a family friend, but he’d come back from the dead JUST to die again if I got divorced from them. (Not because of divorce, but because of a SCHISM IN A FAMILY FRIEND RELATIONSHIP.)
I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE WANTS FIVE CHILDREN. I haven’t heard anyone under the age of 40 say they want even TWO children in YEARS. I’m not shaming her, I’m just SHOCKED. (Does she know how expensive kids are?) I thought their conversation about it was charming enough. I can’t remember the last time I heard a man my age say that his life passion was to become a dad, so I’ll give him that one.
This is, according to him, the best day of Brendan’s life. That feels worrisome.
I wrote down “Oh she LIKES Brendan” seven times. (Yes I was taking notes by hand at this point because honestly my thumbs hurt from texting these days)
Honestly my biggest question about the rest of the season is: What’s the deal with Noah?
SPEAKING OF NOAH:
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