Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Producer Putty

Hey subscribers!

Hope you enjoyed our guest host last week. My dad apparently read it then EMAILED ME ABOUT MY BLOG FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER because of course it would take having a male guest host to get the attention of my father... No really. It went like this:






He knew that he could mollify me by alerting me to the fact that he was up on current events.... But subsequently decided to try and rile me up by telling me to call my (very conservative) grandmother, about it... Also I clearly wasn't kidding about the D Doug thing.


Ok let's get down to business - did y'all read that article about Jordan from his local paper? 

He said so many wonderful things. I have read it several times and decided that my favorite thing is how he says "Wilhelmina wants to represent me to the max now..." 

I am not a model. 
I do not have an agent. 
I am not represented by Wilhelmina. 

But I CAN tell you that agency representation is kind of like the salvation of Jesus - it's pretty black or white. Either you're represented by them or you're not. There are no varying degrees, which would cause one of their models to claim that they are now represented "to the max" as opposed to before being represented "to the 'eh' degree?" 

THE POINT IS that I can't wait for Jordan on Bachelor in Paradise. He is the gift that forever keeps on giving.

Why they went to Virginia, I 🍩 know. I'm just kidding - I totally DO know: there is a team of people to plan each episode and I can tell you definitively that they got the best offer from Richmond, Virginia. Which means the hotel and date packages and... RALPH NORTHAM (We'll get to that in a bit. I obviously have so much to say about it.)


As Jon Lovett would say: LET'S GET INTO IT... 

Right out of the gate my first question is: how is Connor still there? I very genuinely forgot that he was even alive. But let's NEVER FORGET THAT HE HAD THE GREATEST REDEMPTION TOUR OF 2018.

So stoked for Chris on this episode. He is going to 1000% implode.

Becca tells us that she loves historic towns because of... some weird line that was fed to her by producers and makes ZERO sense. There is absolutely nothing "mysterious" about historic towns. They are literally explained BETTER than other towns BECAUSE they are historic.

Ohhhh NO I did NOT need to see her spell out “LOVE” in front of that sign. Completely coulda done without that.


ONE ON ONE: Jason

Jason gets a one on one. And he is STOKED. Chris is hoping for a one-on-one – wait whoaaaaa this thing about Chris saying he lost 100 pounds. I just...

Honestly I couldn't even take notes during this segment because I was so transfixed by what happened on screen. A few subsequent thoughts: 
- How insane and amazing that Chris and Lincoln were seated next to each other. This whole thing happened without them making eye contact, and on a scale of One to Even... I can't. 
- Chris lost a lot of weight? When? How? Intentionally? Unintentionally? Literally? Figuratively? Did he tell that to Lincoln in confidence because they used to be friends but now they're not? Did Lincoln overhear him tell someone? HOW DID LINCOLN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? Did a producer tell him? 
- I'm trying to recall what they were ACTUALLY arguing about during this exchange, but I'm coming up blank. Apparently Lincoln fat shamed Chris, but Lincoln now has to register as a sex offender, so....



Anyway back to Jason and Becca. 

According to my (albeit scant) internet research, they were supposed to do something outdoors on this date but it rained… and the backup plan is to… do yoga with strangers on rugs outside. Because here is the thing: if producers have a plan for a date to be outside, YES, they have a plan B. But it's a pretty sketch-tastic plan B. Because they count on the weather working in their favor (it usually does). So when they send an outline to ABC, they'll throw in "in case it rains, we'll go to a weird church and do a weird goth thing." They won't actually have to do this. ABC is pacified. Everything is great. 

....until it rains. 

So Becca and Jason Derulo roll up to a church where she tells him that Patrick Henry gave his "Give me liberty or give me death" speech, as well as the fun trivial fact that Edgar Allen Poe's mother is buried here. I wonder if Becca talked about how she was scarred for life by having to read Poe's "Anabel Lee" and her sepulcher by the sea when she was in seventh grade. I guess that part was cut. 

Oh wait, that was MY traumatic seventh grade experience. Not Becca's. 

They traipse through the church. They go to "Unhappy Hour" and as I said - do yoga with strangers on rugs outside. The producers are punching themselves for not coming up with a better plan B, but here we are... (on a rug... with a stranger... outside) 


Wait I have cared about Jason so zero until right this second when he sees his friends. He is so adorable. His one friend looks legit 12 but I love it. 

Just a quick aside for me to remind the audience that when Jason says "I love that Becca brought my friends... She is so thoughtful...." This - THIS is Jason being a part of the Bachelor Franchise Machine, where they convince him that Becca cooked this whole thing up. NEWSFLASH: it was the producers. They called Jason's friends and got them to book it down to Richmond. 
Image result for devil wears prada that's all gif


I think what is also super endearing about Jason’s friends is that they LOVE HIM SO MUCH. (My friends love me too, but if they sat down with a lead on the show, they would be like “Grace will be an exceptional wife and mother. You should know that she wears toe shoes and collects billing envelopes because she uses them to make stationery.”)

They leave the friends and beers. They go to dinner.

Call me the Ice Queen, but I’m a little unmoved by this story about Jason’s grandmother. BECAUSE – hear me out – this is text book vulnerability. He has been primed to “tell her something that you went through that was really hard.” And now that they’ve been vulnerable with each other, they’re gonna feel SO much closer to each other, obviously much closer than Becca has felt to someone like Chris. So they’re having this intense emotional vulnerably and exposure, sure, but a) Jason is also speaking like he is THE ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH to lose a grandparent and b) did y'all see Becca's face during the story? She was... so unmoved. And she didn't even really respond, she just kind of launched into this thing about her dad... 

Don't get me wrong - when there is mutual vulnerability, both parties feel closer to one another. By all means, Beckster - tell him about your dad. But if this is as monumentally vulnerable a moment for Jason as he talked it up to be, then he needs a liiiiiiitle affirmation for laying all those cards on the table. 

Also just a quick, off the cuff body language analysis: his eyes were SLITS for the ENTIRETY of that story. Which generally implies skepticism. Which means he was probably thinking "I thought a lot of things when my grandmother didn't recognize my dad that time, but I didn't think I'd be using the story to manipulate the Bachelorette into giving me the rose on this one-on-one date..." 


Spoiler alert: She gave him a rose. 

Let me be clear: I actually like Jason a lot. I don't understand why he is choosing to slick back his hair in 2018, but maybe he learned that from his dad. Either way, it makes me a little bit think he looks a little bit like this:
Image result for rat from zootopia



Group Date: 
Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

OMG A TOUR OF THE CAPITAL BUILDING THIS IS MY DREAM! I live for this stuff. I would have peppered Lincoln and Washington with questions. I have absolutely ZERO idea why this George Washington has on a brown wig but I'm HERE FOR IT. I wonder how much Hamilton they sang.

CHRIS HARRISON NEXT TO ABE LINCOLN IS LEGIT ALL I WANT IN LIFE.
Chris is going to crash and burn. I can already feel it. He says that it is a day for redemption. I love this. And I still can't get over the brunette George Washington being here.


OMG RALPH NORTHAM IS THERE I AM DECEASED. 

You GUYS. How they talked the Governor Northam into appearing on the show, I will never know. 

I'm just kidding. I'm sure they called up the recently elected governor and were like "Aye fam if you wanna identify with the millennials, come on our show." I can only PRAY that he wasn't there by the time that Chris repeated an expletive in front of CHILDREN. Also... wouldn't it be like, super chill and SUPER COOL if instead of this garbage debate, they... I dunno, went out in Virginia and registered people to vote? Cause I could get DOWN with that. 

I will legit be on my deathbed, still peddling my disbelief that Ralph Northam was here for this.

And then the debate that ensued! 

I just.... I'm so speechless. I took so few notes during this segment because my jaw was on the floor. All I can really say is that Chris was so DEEPLY primed by producers for this. You KNOW they told him "Hey, guy, Becca is really looking for a guy who is a go-getter and will stand up for what he believes in. And when I say 'stand up for what he believes in,' I mean 'will 11/10 go after Lincoln on the steps of the capital building on a day when Ralph Northam is in the audience....'"

Also just a quick question: What did Jason and Leo talk about all day? 

Anyway Chris makes a fool of himself in front of Governor Northam. I liked that Becca was wearing a jumpsuit. I don't know why they showed us the part where she said "Ok let's all go up here now..." after the debate. Was it for a photo? It was so weird. Then they went to the cocktail party and Garrett tried to talk to Becca but she was so weirded out from her conversations with Lincoln and Chris that she needed to take a breather. Garrett retired to the lobby with the other gentlement and hit us with a Chris Soules classic: “All’s I’m saying is…” 

I would prefer NEVER TO REMEMBER that Chris Soules was on this show, thx. 

I have zero idea why Conor is wearing glasses and has his shirt unbuttoned to the legal limit, but I am still reeling from the Chris and Lincoln exchanges with Becca that all I can do is allow it, for the time being... 

Garrett does great work consoling her. AND YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOW ADVANTAGEOUS IT IS TO BE THE ONE THAT GETS TO CONSOLE... But then I think about the Tomi Lahren memes that he hit the 'like' button on and... I can't. Oh! Did you guys see his wedding video?!!? Honestly I'm loving The Bachelor franchise in 2018, in the age if the internet sleuth because OF COURSE PEOPLE DUG UP THAT STUFF. 

It was weird. And... weird. It was so weird.

Meanwhile, back on the farm where Tony Wonder - I mean Chris, is imploding:

CHRIS: I’m here for Becca. I’m not gonna lose this battle.
GRACE: there are holes in your jeans, sir. Your knees are exposed.
ERICA: He wants to be a gangster so bad. He wishes he was a Wahlberg.


Group Date goes to Colton. I just wonder if she ACTUALLY had feelings for Colton or kept him around because he was nice... or because the producers told her to... Because how does she feel NOW, that Colton has obviously gone onto BIP to pursue Tia? Ah, the world will never know... 


One On One Date: Leo

Wait… I didn’t even take notes through the first part of Leo’s date because I was… kind of taken with him. I mean, he is so charming. He’s an actor, but like... He's so legit. 

Also would like to take a moment to tell you that Gran LOVES Leo:





Ok so Leo gets the rose because they have to go to the concert of Kelsea Ballerini's husband and I'm not mad because I think that guy is SO cute. 

That is legit all I have I have to say. 

Everything Else:

Ok where IS Chris as he writes in this journal? A Pier One Studio? A college dorm room model? WHERE? Every time he is on camera, I legit stop breathing. I don't breathe until we hear from someone else because he makes me cringe SO. MUCH. 

Chris is producer putty. He has been so primed by producers and I LOVE it but I also 🍩 breathe for the entire time that he is onscreen. I will now introduce you to one of my favorite Dan Brown quotes. (Yes I said Dan Brown, STAY WITH ME. ) “Every epic collapse, the provost believed, could be traced back to a single moment—a chance meeting, a bad decision, an indiscreet glance.” 

This is what happened to Chris. His one-on-one was great. And then, in my opinion, his downfall came when he said "you owe me like, 50,000 kisses." That- THAT is when his downfall began. And he has NEVER recovered. Then somehow the producers convinced him to GO AND SEE BECCA after her date with Leo. There is absolutely zero reason for this. 

But that being said: CHRIS IS GONNA BE SO GREAT AT THE MEN TELL ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT.
I slow clapped nine times during this scene with Becca and Chris. She LET HIM KNOW. And he left. And I CAN NOT wait til the Men Tell All.

Rose Ceremony: 
Whoaaaa I LOVE this dress Becca is wearing. Cary Fetman hasn’t updated his Instagram story with the details yet. Wait, wait, he has. Mac Duggal. I don't even know what that means. But I loved it.

The Bachelorette has never grabbed and clutched Chris Harrison’s forearm like Becca did just now, just before she told us that the final rose was going to Wills.

Aaaaaand we didn’t see any of Lincoln’s exit because he is… a convicted felon.

That is legit all I have to say about it. Sorry I'm not as funny as Davey. See you guys next week. If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

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