Producer Putty

Hey subscribers!

Hope you enjoyed our guest host last week. My dad apparently read it then EMAILED ME ABOUT MY BLOG FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER because of course it would take having a male guest host to get the attention of my father... No really. It went like this:






He knew that he could mollify me by alerting me to the fact that he was up on current events.... But subsequently decided to try and rile me up by telling me to call my (very conservative) grandmother, about it... Also I clearly wasn't kidding about the D Doug thing.

Ok let's get down to business - did y'all read that article about Jordan from his local paper? 

https://www.chronicleonline.com/news/spoiler-alert-crystal-river-s-jordan-kimball-finds-love-after/article_154aaea0-7d58-11e8-aa45-b759436c2a71.html

He said so many wonderful things. I have read it several times and decided that my favorite thing is how he says "Wilhelmina wants to represent me to the max now..." 

I am not a model. 

I do not have an agent. 

I am not represented by Wilhelmina. 

But I CAN tell you that agency representation is kind of like the salvation of Jesus - it's pretty black or white. Either you're represented by them or you're not. There are no varying degrees, which would cause one of their models to claim that they are now represented "to the max" as opposed to before being represented "to the 'eh' degree?" 

THE POINT IS that I can't wait for Jordan on Bachelor in Paradise. He is the gift that forever keeps on giving.

Why they went to Virginia, I 🍩 know. I'm just kidding - I totally DO know: there is a team of people to plan each episode and I can tell you definitively that they got the best offer from Richmond, Virginia. Which means the hotel and date packages and... RALPH NORTHAM (We'll get to that in a bit. I obviously have so much to say about it.)


As Jon Lovett would say: LET'S GET INTO IT... 

Right out of the gate my first question is: how is Connor still there? I very genuinely forgot that he was even alive. But let's NEVER FORGET THAT HE HAD THE GREATEST REDEMPTION TOUR OF 2018.

So stoked for Chris on this episode. He is going to 1000% implode.

Becca tells us that she loves historic towns because of... some weird line that was fed to her by producers and makes ZERO sense. There is absolutely nothing "mysterious" about historic towns. They are literally explained BETTER than other towns BECAUSE they are historic.

Ohhhh NO I did NOT need to see her spell out “LOVE” in front of that sign. Completely coulda done without that.


ONE ON ONE: Jason

Jason gets a one on one. And he is STOKED. Chris is hoping for a one-on-one – wait whoaaaaa this thing about Chris saying he lost 100 pounds. I just...

Honestly I couldn't even take notes during this segment because I was so transfixed by what happened on screen. A few subsequent thoughts: 

- How insane and amazing that Chris and Lincoln were seated next to each other. This whole thing happened without them making eye contact, and on a scale of One to Even... I can't. 

- Chris lost a lot of weight? When? How? Intentionally? Unintentionally? Literally? Figuratively? Did he tell that to Lincoln in confidence because they used to be friends but now they're not? Did Lincoln overhear him tell someone? HOW DID LINCOLN FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? Did a producer tell him? 

- I'm trying to recall what they were ACTUALLY arguing about during this exchange, but I'm coming up blank. Apparently Lincoln fat shamed Chris, but Lincoln now has to register as a sex offender, so....



Anyway back to Jason and Becca. 

According to my (albeit scant) internet research, they were supposed to do something outdoors on this date but it rained… and the backup plan is to… do yoga with strangers on rugs outside. Because here is the thing: if producers have a plan for a date to be outside, YES, they have a plan B. But it's a pretty sketch-tastic plan B. Because they count on the weather working in their favor (it usually does). So when they send an outline to ABC, they'll throw in "in case it rains, we'll go to a weird church and do a weird goth thing." They won't actually have to do this. ABC is pacified. Everything is great. 

....until it rains. 

So Becca and Jason Derulo roll up to a church where she tells him that Patrick Henry gave his "Give me liberty or give me death" speech, as well as the fun trivial fact that Edgar Allen Poe's mother is buried here. I wonder if Becca talked about how she was scarred for life by having to read Poe's "Anabel Lee" and her sepulcher by the sea when she was in seventh grade. I guess that part was cut. 

Oh wait, that was MY traumatic seventh grade experience. Not Becca's. 

They traipse through the church. They go to "Unhappy Hour" and as I said - do yoga with strangers on rugs outside. The producers are punching themselves for not coming up with a better plan B, but here we are... (on a rug... with a stranger... outside) 

Wait I have cared about Jason so zero until right this second when he sees his friends. He is so adorable. His one friend looks legit 12 but I love it. 

Just a quick aside for me to remind the audience that when Jason says "I love that Becca brought my friends... She is so thoughtful...." This - THIS is Jason being a part of the Bachelor Franchise Machine, where they convince him that Becca cooked this whole thing up. NEWSFLASH: it was the producers. They called Jason's friends and got them to book it down to Richmond. 

I think what is also super endearing about Jason’s friends is that they LOVE HIM SO MUCH. (My friends love me too, but if they sat down with a lead on the show, they would be like “Grace will be an exceptional wife and mother. You should know that she wears toe shoes and collects billing envelopes because she uses them to make stationery.”)

They leave the friends and beers. They go to dinner.

Call me the Ice Queen, but I’m a little unmoved by this story about Jason’s grandmother. BECAUSE – hear me out – this is text book vulnerability. He has been primed to “tell her something that you went through that was really hard.” And now that they’ve been vulnerable with each other, they’re gonna feel SO much closer to each other, obviously much closer than Becca has felt to someone like Chris. So they’re having this intense emotional vulnerably and exposure, sure, but a) Jason is also speaking like he is THE ONLY PERSON EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH to lose a grandparent and b) did y'all see Becca's face during the story? She was... so unmoved. And she didn't even really respond, she just kind of launched into this thing about her dad... 

Don't get me wrong - when there is mutual vulnerability, both parties feel closer to one another. By all means, Beckster - tell him about your dad. But if this is as monumentally vulnerable a moment for Jason as he talked it up to be, then he needs a liiiiiiitle affirmation for laying all those cards on the table. 

Also just a quick, off the cuff body language analysis: his eyes were SLITS for the ENTIRETY of that story. Which generally implies skepticism. Which means he was probably thinking "I thought a lot of things when my grandmother didn't recognize my dad that time, but I didn't think I'd be using the story to manipulate the Bachelorette into giving me the rose on this one-on-one date..." 

Spoiler alert: She gave him a rose. 

Let me be clear: I actually like Jason a lot. I don't understand why he is choosing to slick back his hair in 2018, but maybe he learned that from his dad. Either way, it makes me a little bit think he looks a little bit like this:

Group Date: 
Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, Chris

OMG A TOUR OF THE CAPITAL BUILDING THIS IS MY DREAM! I live for this stuff. I would have peppered Lincoln and Washington with questions. I have absolutely ZERO idea why this George Washington has on a brown wig but I'm HERE FOR IT. I wonder how much Hamilton they sang.

CHRIS HARRISON NEXT TO ABE LINCOLN IS LEGIT ALL I WANT IN LIFE.
Chris is going to crash and burn. I can already feel it. He says that it is a day for redemption. I love this. And I still can't get over the brunette George Washington being here.


OMG RALPH NORTHAM IS THERE I AM DECEASED. 

You GUYS. How they talked the Governor Northam into appearing on the show, I will never know. 

I'm just kidding. I'm sure they called up the recently elected governor and were like "Aye fam if you wanna identify with the millennials, come on our show." I can only PRAY that he wasn't there by the time that Chris repeated an expletive in front of CHILDREN. Also... wouldn't it be like, super chill and SUPER COOL if instead of this garbage debate, they... I dunno, went out in Virginia and registered people to vote? Cause I could get DOWN with that. 

I will legit be on my deathbed, still peddling my disbelief that Ralph Northam was here for this.

And then the debate that ensued! 

I just.... I'm so speechless. I took so few notes during this segment because my jaw was on the floor. All I can really say is that Chris was so DEEPLY primed by producers for this. You KNOW they told him "Hey, guy, Becca is really looking for a guy who is a go-getter and will stand up for what he believes in. And when I say 'stand up for what he believes in,' I mean 'will 11/10 go after Lincoln on the steps of the capital building on a day when Ralph Northam is in the audience....'"

Also just a quick question: What did Jason and Leo talk about all day? 

Anyway Chris makes a fool of himself in front of Governor Northam. I liked that Becca was wearing a jumpsuit. I don't know why they showed us the part where she said "Ok let's all go up here now..." after the debate. Was it for a photo? It was so weird. Then they went to the cocktail party and Garrett tried to talk to Becca but she was so weirded out from her conversations with Lincoln and Chris that she needed to take a breather. Garrett retired to the lobby with the other gentlement and hit us with a Chris Soules classic: “All’s I’m saying is…” 

I would prefer NEVER TO REMEMBER that Chris Soules was on this show, thx. 

I have zero idea why Conor is wearing glasses and has his shirt unbuttoned to the legal limit, but I am still reeling from the Chris and Lincoln exchanges with Becca that all I can do is allow it, for the time being... 

Garrett does great work consoling her. AND YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOW ADVANTAGEOUS IT IS TO BE THE ONE THAT GETS TO CONSOLE... But then I think about the Tomi Lahren memes that he hit the 'like' button on and... I can't. Oh! Did you guys see his wedding video?!!? Honestly I'm loving The Bachelor franchise in 2018, in the age if the internet sleuth because OF COURSE PEOPLE DUG UP THAT STUFF. 

It was weird. And... weird. It was so weird.

Meanwhile, back on the farm where Tony Wonder - I mean Chris, is imploding:

CHRIS: I’m here for Becca. I’m not gonna lose this battle.
GRACE: there are holes in your jeans, sir. Your knees are exposed.
ERICA: He wants to be a gangster so bad. He wishes he was a Wahlberg.


Group Date goes to Colton. I just wonder if she ACTUALLY had feelings for Colton or kept him around because he was nice... or because the producers told her to... Because how does she feel NOW, that Colton has obviously gone onto BIP to pursue Tia? Ah, the world will never know... 

One On One Date: Leo

Wait… I didn’t even take notes through the first part of Leo’s date because I was… kind of taken with him. I mean, he is so charming. He’s an actor, but like... He's so legit. 

Also would like to take a moment to tell you that Gran LOVES Leo:





Ok so Leo gets the rose because they have to go to the concert of Kelsea Ballerini's husband and I'm not mad because I think that guy is SO cute. 

That is legit all I have I have to say. 

Everything Else:

Ok where IS Chris as he writes in this journal? A Pier One Studio? A college dorm room model? WHERE? Every time he is on camera, I legit stop breathing. I don't breathe until we hear from someone else because he makes me cringe SO. MUCH. 

Chris is producer putty. He has been so primed by producers and I LOVE it but I also 🍩 breathe for the entire time that he is onscreen. I will now introduce you to one of my favorite Dan Brown quotes. (Yes I said Dan Brown, STAY WITH ME. ) “Every epic collapse, the provost believed, could be traced back to a single moment—a chance meeting, a bad decision, an indiscreet glance.” 

This is what happened to Chris. His one-on-one was great. And then, in my opinion, his downfall came when he said "you owe me like, 50,000 kisses." That- THAT is when his downfall began. And he has NEVER recovered. Then somehow the producers convinced him to GO AND SEE BECCA after her date with Leo. There is absolutely zero reason for this. 

But that being said: CHRIS IS GONNA BE SO GREAT AT THE MEN TELL ALL AND I CANNOT WAIT.

I slow clapped nine times during this scene with Becca and Chris. She LET HIM KNOW. And he left. And I CAN NOT wait til the Men Tell All.

Rose Ceremony: 

Whoaaaa I LOVE this dress Becca is wearing. Cary Fetman hasn’t updated his Instagram story with the details yet. Wait, wait, he has. Mac Duggal. I don't even know what that means. But I loved it.

The Bachelorette has never grabbed and clutched Chris Harrison’s forearm like Becca did just now, just before she told us that the final rose was going to Wills.

Aaaaaand we didn’t see any of Lincoln’s exit because he is… a convicted felon.

That is legit all I have to say about it. Sorry I'm not as funny as Davey. See you guys next week. If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

You Can Find Me on Venmo

One of the hardest things that no one talks about when it comes to  living 2,000 miles away from your family is that... No one here KNOWS my family!! I obviously talk about them all the time but my friends in Los Angeles have not actually laid eyes on Gran, Big Daddy, or Davey. That doesn't mean they think they're not real, but it means they have no actual context when I say things like "My brother is great. On a good day, I'll even admit that he's the funnier one..."

Today is a good day.

With that said, and without further ado, I present to you... GUEST HOST DAVISON DOUGLAS. He needs no introduction.

What Up Bachelor (ette) Fam!

Long time reader, first time writer. If you’ve made it to this sentence, then you’re clearly a fan of my brilliant sister’s witty and incisive weekly dissection of one person’s quest to hawk FitTea on Instagram; travel the world on ABC’s dime; and (most importantly) find out who’s here for the right reasons. Or you just accidentally stumbled on this blog. Either way, glad to have you!

Grace is unable to blog for this week’s episode, so you’re stuck with her long-suffering brother’s musings on the latest episode of “Becca Chooses Between 6 Guys From the Same Cloning Machine and Delightful Novelty Item Jordan.” Full disclosure—I’m writing and watching while attempting to pack, so some things might be missed/overlooked. Likely the things I’m trying to pack. 

The gang heads to Las Vegas, so it must be time for the obligatory onslaught of gambling and love puns. Becca packs at least 3 into her first sentence. This week’s episode could get a little dicey. It might be a real crap shoot. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself). 

Colton gets the first one-on-one. The dude was barely in the NFL long enough to get a real jersey (which is admittedly longer than I’ve spent in the NFL), but he’s already dated Aly Raisman AND had a brief fling with Tia. At their reunion in the beauty salon date, it seemed like Tia could have still been harboring some feelings for him. Which is devastating, because my Arkansas princess shouldn’t be pining away for some clown who is trying to get social media famous while thinking he can pull off a T-shirt with a purple sport coat. This isn’t junior year prom, Colton. If you want to be treated like a grownup, dress accordingly. Tia, if you’re reading this, I am gainfully employed, have been repeatedly told by my mom that I’m the most handsomest boy in school, and hope all your dreams come true. Holla atcha boy. 

Davey, Tia will NOT be my sister-in-law. We've been over this. Also it was a spa closet in Westlake Village, hardly a "beauty salon," which no one actually says anymore, but that's neither here nor there. Continue.

Jordan and David are stewing in the house as Colton arrives for a real redneck riviera of a date. He and Becca are riding camels, and then there is a hot tub in the “desert,” which is just a patch of grass next to the camels. I don’t know if this is Las Vegas, or just a typical Saturday afternoon field date in Alabama. But Becca is mesmerized by the idea of a desert hot tub. She and Colton make out in the hot tub, talk about how they’re on the same page, then do the same thing at dinner. I got bored so I walked away. 

I came back to Colton reading a gigantic flashing billboard saying “Kiss Her.” I immediately heard him saying that in the voice of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, and now I’m hearing everything he says in that voice. Highly recommend assigning Disney voices to the remaining bachelors. Maybe Jordan is Scuttle, and maybe Garrett is Copper from The Fox and the Hound (which is a deeply traumatic kids’ movie, but that’s neither here nor there). But now is your chance to get creative. 

Jordan and David get assigned the two-on-one, and the rest of the group rolls to Wayne Newton’s mansion for a songwriting sesh. Wayne rides up on majestic horse for the grandest entrance of the season. Dude is a legend. 

Wayne is not impressed with the group’s songwriting chops, but he still informs them that they’ll be playing their songs to a live audience that night. Once he hears the news, Jason actively starts looking for the mansion’s nearest fire escape. Everyone gamely struggles through their songs, and the audience safely concludes that they were not treated to any future #1s. Chris announces that he’s going to “work the crowd” for his finale performance. He seems like a pane of glass, and we’re starting to see cracks that very well could shatter by the end of the episode. 

We have our first declaration of love during the group date cocktail party, and it’s from Blake! Unlike Jean Blanc’s ill-fated “I love you I mean I don’t” debacle, Becca is quite receptive to this announcement. Blake gets the group date rose, much to Chris’s chagrin. Chris immediately talks about how he might go home, and that pane of glass starts to splinter a little more.

Jordan has given us some gems leading up to the two-on-one. He’s “full of clean energy,” and “David is not going to control his realness.” Jordan is like a verbal wind-up toy, and neither he nor the audience knows where he’s going to go. I love it. 

Becca takes the two guys to The Desert of Fire, and David proceeds to loudly talk about how amazing the silence is in the desert. Becca pulls him aside, and he wastes no time in throwing Jordan all the way under the bus. Jordan is understandably less than pleased and starts berating David, who is smugly reclining on a random bed in the desert. Jordan tells us that “being me is my greatest power,” and every single Avenger probably realizes they have a new hero to invite to the crew. If I get a tattoo, it will be that quote, in block letters, across my chest. I will never wear a shirt again. 

Becca looks like an exasperated babysitter dealing with two 5th graders, and David gets left in the desert! Not even a goodbye from Becca, let alone a ride. He’s standing alone by a random desert bed, the sun is setting, and his sworn enemy is riding shotgun with his dream girl in the one mode of transportation. Chicken is not on the menu tonight. 

Jordan has not yet been given a rose, and he’s got a dinner date to prove himself worthy of advancing. He is not up to the task. This date is checking almost every box for stereotypical awkward first dates. The elevator really starts tumbling down the shaft when Jordan says he wishes he could bring out his modeling portfolio. He loves him some him. Becca picks up the rose, and
Jordan thinks he has it in the bag. She then sends him packing while holding the rose, and we see Jordan debut his new surprised look. Should be hitting runways for the fall 2018 shows. The remaining guys in the Vegas suite are crestfallen when they hear fireworks and think it means Jordan is coming back. They erupt in high fives when a production assistant comes to pick up Jordan’s bag. With both Jordan and David being given walking papers, there’s only one bachelor left to have to take a moment to say his goodbyes at the rose ceremony. 

At the cocktail party, the pane of glass that is Chris shatters into 700 million pieces. After Becca calls him out for not talking to her on the group date, and then sulking and threatening to leave, he trips over himself trying to backpedal. Chris regroups after a huddle with Colton and Garrett and a few tears, and he goes to interrupt Wills’s conversation. Wills graciously gives him 2 minutes, and Chris is visibly stunned when Wills comes back and wants to talk to Becca again. Chris seems genuinely shocked that all the other guys don’t want to let him monopolize Becca’s time. Chris goes into the rose ceremony alternating between despair and wanting Becca to know everything she’d be missing out on if she had the audacity to cut him. 

Colton and Blake are safe with roses, and the remaining roses go to Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo (who might be one of my season favorites despite getting almost zero screen time this whole season!). The final rose goes to Mr. Glass, and we hear Becca sound audibly disappointed to announce th at they will leave Las Vegas to go to....Richmond, Virginia. We're also left with a wonderful post-credits shot of Jordan ironing his jeans. As soon as his lifestyle guide book hits stores, I will be purchasing dozens of copies. I’m certainly going to miss the drama Jordan brought to this season, but I have full confidence that Mr. Glass will waste no time in stepping up to become the house pariah. 

Thanks for playing

#blessed

Oh and speaking of Virginia, here's a cool podcast interview with Davey's namesake, by the way: https://soundcloud.com/user-36623013/office-hours-a-deans-life

And I want to let you know that you are totally justified to be scratching your head right now thinking, "Now which one of the Douglas siblings lives in Los Angeles and works in television? It isn't this hilarious one? He works for the state and fights for justice? So what does Grace do?"

Good question, fam. I ask myself that almost everyday.

Big ups to D. Doug, this week (yes, my dad still calls him that) until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Sponge Bob Jordan Pants

First things first - there are thousands of kids that have been separated from their parents at the border. Whatever you believe about immigration is your thing, but this "zero tolerance" policy was rolled out (much like the Muslim ban) with VERY LITTLE planning or instruction. So there's a lot of chaos and trauma and devastation. Here are two great places you can donate to help support these kids and the teams that are taking care of them: 

https://supportkind.org/

http://www.aijustice.org/donate

Yes there was an executive order today, but that just halts FURTHER separation of parents and children. It gives no direction about how to reunite the 2,000+ children that have been separated from their parents. Which is why it's great and important to support organizations like the above. 

I know you didn't come to this blog to read about politics. And I'm not trying to convince you to vote one way or another right now, but I am no longer willing to pretend like I have the luxury of ignoring the havoc that is being wrought in our country. These are CHILDREN. 

(But obviously hmu if you wanna discuss whom to vote for in November!) 

Ok totally switching gears.... Ashley I and Jared. You guys, I have so many thoughts. First of all, I *did* spend 45 minutes of my life watching their "Story of Us" and if you didn't, I don't recommend that you do, but you definitely should: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87t2QmKwmqI

The whole thing makes zero sense. Esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Kelly pointed out the most striking thing about them - THERE 👏 IS 👏 NO 👏 ARC👏. There is no arc to their story! When did they even definitively decide to be together? They never say! 

Also just some observations about the whole thing: 

1) I needed a wider shot of them to analyze their body language. But from what I could tell, Jared kind of spent most of the time leaning away from Ashley. Oh, did you want pictures? I've got you covered - big ups to LRPG member Coroline Murlock, who sat through me basically live-tweeting the entire thing with screenshots for her on Gchat:

Also... I know I'm not one to talk about makeup... but her highlighter was WAY too much. (As he leaned away from her) 

Look at how his head is tilted away from her! 

It's like he's obeying Melissa McCarthy's demand in Bridesmaids when she screams "LOOK AWAY" 

He also kept his eyes closed for what seemed like suspended moments in time. Every time he went to look at her, his eyes were closed as he moved his face up to meet hers Which could just be a tick, but it could also be indicative that he was very reluctant to face what was in front of him 

Also... they both kind of cried... through the whole thing. 

Seriously

I should also add that I have yet to watch this a) on mute and b) at 1.5 speed. Oh, why would I do that, you ask? For further body language analysis. Got those two tips from a former FBI agent that I was emailing after I read his book on body language. JUST KEEPING SOME CASUAL INTERESTS, OVER HERE. 

Other thoughts: 

- Their Instagram posts are WAY too curated. They don't seem genuine at all. It's totally run-of-the-mill stuff, nothing specific or even that seemingly thought out. 

- Again, no arc! Ashley's whole "Story of Us" thing (yes, I watched some other ones, all in the name of research for you, dear reader) is mapping out the story - when did you meet, when did you fall in love, when did you know... And for Ashley and Jared, everything is still pretty vague when it comes to their emotions. They say "this specific thing happened in January" but they don't really talk about their reactions to it, or subsequent emotions.

- Finally: it seems like after half a lifetime for both of them in the Bachelor Franchise... There's no such thing as just deciding that you wanna be with someone. It has to be this big, long, drawn out will-they-or-won't-they dramatic THING in order for it to be valid or real. Which is how TV works, sure. But it's absolutely not how real life works. And the more you try to make REAL life work like a TV show, the more disappointed you'll be. Trust me - I've been trying to produce Davey Douglas's life for YEARS now and he will not comply... 

My personal theory is that they decided that they wanted more followers and more sponsors and what better way to gain those than be engaged on Bachelor in Paradise? And what better way to build up dramatic tension before the proposal than have people like Nick Viall and Becca Tilley post about their relationship on Instagram? I give them nine months. 

OMG I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I'm not surprised, and I guess the culmination of two of my pet interests - body language analysis and Bachelor Nation - put us on the path for an essay. 

OK OK OK MOVING ONTO THE ACTUAL EPISODE. 

Oh geez I'd already forgotten that David had fallen off the bed and that they were trying to make it look like Jordan was responsible. What a snoozefest. I wonder how torn up his face will be. They are making it seem pretty dramatic. 

Future Mr. Grace Douglas aka Miles Teller Lite pulls the Beckster aside to tell her that he wants to name a kid Charlie. 

You guys know Blake is my fave for life, but seriously EVERYONE wants a kid named Charlie. I'm not impressed by this. I AM impressed by the fact that Blake apparently thinks it's a super casual thing to provide for a family with five kids. Hope you've got a big ole trust fund for that one, buddy!

Jordan is just my favorite creature, ever. “I could have five minutes with Becca tonight and make more of an impression than I have so far.” Becca gives him a pair of golden shorts. Does she knight him Captain Underpants, or does he give himself that moniker?

JOHNNY: Some PA was so embarrassed to buy those.

They really built up David’s return to be DRAMATIC and he looks like he got bitten by two flies. On the face, yes, but like, NBD.


Jordan said that David’s face looked like a time warped Picasso… “Clock is over here and the beach is over there” He is undoubtedly referring to a Salvador Dali painting. Dali did a LOT with clocks and beaches, but the Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that he was probably referring to “The Persistence of Memory”

Good Luck next time though, Jordy! 

Leo does NOT care about the David and Captain Underpants beef and I like him more and more for every second that he cares less and less. Why is the super white attorney in a track suit? We clearly missed a bit. Which sucks for him that it got cut from the show cause it just makes him look like an IDIOT.

Honestly what did Jordan’s comments about the scrambled eggs even mean. I won't dignify that with a question mark. He is totally bonkers and I love him so much. 

Also quick side note: I can’t believe that it’s 2018 and Jason is slicking his hair all the way back. 

Roses went to:
Jason, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean Blanc

OMG HOW could she sent Ryan home!?!? RyGuy, CALL ME ASAP, YOU CAN TEACH ME THE BANJO.

One on One Date: Garrett 

Upon arriving in Park City, Becca tried to flop onto a bed in a hotel suite (in a room that’s a little bigger than the one in the mansion) and it does NOT look comfy. So rustic. May as well be glamping. 

Garrett and Becca proceed to frolic around town like they've never even seen gift shops before.

GRACE: This date is so dumb. This is so stupid.
CAROLYN: No one does this. If a guy did this…
JOHNNY: Carolyn, you and I have literally DONE THIS. We have gone into gift shops and tried on all the things and probably hopped around in nightgowns. 

CAROLYN: Ok that's true. Well I like us a lot more than I like them...

A final word about Garrett and the Instagram incident - again, how you choose to vote politically is your thing. But the posts that Garrett liked were hateful. Sure, I don't agree with the political sentiment in the posts he liked, but what I hold against him is the fact that they were filled with vitriol. Which, about his character, makes me say:

GRACE: Good GRIEF Garrett is good-looking.
JOHNNY: Don’t be fooled. He’s a bigot.
BOOZER: They’re playing Jingle All the Way music right now in the bobsled, where is Sinbad? 

Get on up, it's bobsled time! 

Is this the first time we’ve ever seen a gay couple on this show? Can't help but wonder if Garrett said anything off camera.  

Turns out I wasn't the only one: 

JOHNNY: He was probably into it like, “MORE GIRLS IN THE BOBSLED!”



BECCA: I had such a good day with you.
MADISON: Is she about to cry cause she’s cold or cause she’s emotional? Seems like a toss-up.
JOHNNY: She’s in jeans in the snow. Definitely cause she’s cold.

Wait that’s kind of crazy that Garrett was with a chick for two and a half years but only married to her for two months.

GARRETT: No one in my bloodline had ever been divorced before.
GRACE: You know who uses terms like “bloodline?” White nationalists.
GARRETT: It’s gotta be 50/50, we share the same values and I’m here for you.
NARRATOR: According to Instagram, they did NOT have the same values. 

I honestly have so many questions about his ex. Someone get me a 60 Minutes interview with her. For the record, I'd have that many questions about the ex of ANYONE that dated for two and a half years and was only married for two months, this isn't just because I'm generally suspicious of Garrett. 

He got a rose. Shocker.

It’s definitely taking Becca and Garrett a second to find their synchronized rhythm at this Granger Smith concert but they're so friggen cute that I can't hold it against them.


Waaaaaait Lincoln believes that the Earth is flat. This is amazing. Oh but it could potentially change in the future, according to him. But he would like to discuss this with an astrophysicist over hot chocolate. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! 

And yes, now would be the time to discuss the fact that Lincoln was convicted of indecent assault and battery last month. And the entire casting and production team just SOMEHOW MISSED IT. Couple of things: 

- He was convicted last month, but the actual incident took place in 2016. That DOES mean that he was arrested. So the conviction wouldn't show up in a background report, but the arrest would. I point that out because when I first read about it, I thought "well if the conviction just happened, it wouldn't have shown up in a background check when he was auditioning to be on the show" but he was arrested... THAT would have shown up, people! 

- I don't even know that I have the energy to get into what this means for Lincoln as a human (legally, literally, ethically, spiritually, grammatically... etc) but what I CAN tell you is that... this is REALLY embarrassing for Warner Brothers, ABC, and Next Entertainment. I mean WOOOOW someone straight up did NOT do their job. This stuff isn't hard to find. And Lincoln will now have to register as a sex offender. I wonder if he'll be on the Men Tell All...


Group Date: Lumberjack, USA

Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc

No seriously, it was called: "Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash." The PA was probably so traumatized from buying those gold shorts for Jordy that this was the best he could do.

Ohhh Venmo John is coming in STRONG today.

OMG they have to do a Mulan pole climb. Cue "I'll Make a Man Out of You." According to Colton, John “Lives in the forest and eats bugs.” I mean, does he bring seasoning? Cause I'd let him serve me bugs, at this point... 

Venmo wins the whole thing and gets a golden ax. Woo. Meanwhile Jordan is a spineless, pale, pathetic lot and he hasn't got a clue...


They got to the after party and ohhh Colton is pulling Jordon aside. Also more sloppy editing, because unless I lost consciousness and quickly came to (also possible) we saw that Jordan sat down with Becca... Suddenly he was wearing just the underwear... then he was wearing it around the guys... then he had his pants back on. How did his convo with Becca even end? Also, Colton is really painting himself in a GREAT light, because even if he’s totally here to get to Paradise to date Tia, he is wearing the “HERE TO DEFEND BECCA” cape and I'm sure she LOVES it. 

Also just one more hilarious note about Jordan... he keeps talking about how he's the best looking guy in the house and how he's a model... HE IS NOT A TEN! He is not a ten compared to the other guys in the house and he's not even NEAR a ten in real life!! I love it so much.

Jean Blanc then pulls Becca aside and gives her a fragrance… whose label is in Monotype Corsiva font. And whose bottle looks strangely akin to "Miss Dior" 

Honestly I don't even know why I know what this bottle looks like, but here we are... 

JEAN BLANC: I’m falling in love with you
BECCA: That’s a lot.
JEAN BLANC: I know we’re just at the beginning. I don’t want to jump the gun.
GRACE: You definitely already did.
BECCA: I think you should go.
JB: I know I said I was falling in love with you but I didn’t mean that. I was just saying it.
BECCA: So was it untrue?
JB: No, but can I have my perfume back?
BECCA: No.

Ok so here's the thing about Jean Blanc... He was so produced in this episode. He was putty in the hands of the producers and they pulled ZERO punches with him. They'd probably already gotten in his head about not getting a one on one date and you know it would have been SO easy for a producer to tell him "You know, several other guys have already told Becca that they are falling in love with her. You don't want to be behind, do you? Especially since you didn't get a one on one date this week, you need to keep up the momentum!" And BOY did he fall for that one. He clearly tried to backpedal ASAP, but it was too late. She sent him home, told the guys she felt disrespected, and didn't give out a rose. 

GOOD NIGHT!


One on One: Wills



Interesting thing about Wills going on this date right now is that he has a chance to REALLY swoop in and get Becca’s attention. Remember how JP did such great work with Ashley after Bentley left? Wills has an OPPORTUNITY today. Also I’m pretty sure that this is where Wind River was filmed – hold please while I confirm – yes it WAS where Wind River was filmed. Did you guys see it? It was by far and away the most important movie of 2017. It’s super heavy but SO profound and necessary. It's on Netflix and everyone should watch it.


I love how Wills told Becca “I know what you’re going through, I’ve kind of been there.” And Becca just BUZZED by that opportunity to ask about his past and instead kept talking bout herself.


OH BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WILLS *IS* DOING GREAT WORK, HERE. He didn't need to redeem himself necessarily (See: Conor) but he needed to redeem this DAY for Becca and he is DELIVERING.


Wow Wills has a STORY. That ex-girlfriend tho! Also Becca is FINALLY asking legit questions like “What are you afraid of” and I’m here for it.

A producer asks Wills “is this the best day of your life?” AND HE DOESN’T FALL FOR IT and I love it. He says he hopes it ISN’T the best day of his life cause he hopes that is still coming. Wills is obviously pulling through at a lot better rate than Jean Blanc. He gets the rose.


Roses went to:

Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, Venmo John, Chris, David, Jordan


We then hear what may be the greatest line ever uttered in this franchise: “I'm like a sponge. You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you’ll never know unless you try.” 

I just... I love this so much. I don't even know where to begin. Did he mean to say something ELSE about a sponge and then just get derailed and go into the part about squeezing it? Did he realize that his inflection after "get everything out of me" implied that there was more to the aphorism he was inventing in the moment and so he just took a sharp right turn? He honestly could have said "One time there was a poster in elementary school that said 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams'" and it would have made more sense. I will be so sad when this guy gets the boot. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

PROFESSIONS OF PROFESSIONALITY

PSA: GUYS FATHER'S DAY IS THIS SUNDAY, GET GOING. 

First of all, just wanna say a huge thank you to everyone that has been so supportive in these past few days. Yes, I DID go to a taping of Lovett or Leave It last Friday, yes I WAS on the Crooked Media Instagram story, and subsequently their Twitter feed and the clipped has been viewed over 40,000 times, someone turned my face into a gif and like… it’s honestly just so much fame. Nearly too much to handle – I was kind of afraid of going outside for a while there, but I’m getting through.

(No but seriously – this happened, and I will NEVER be over it: https://twitter.com/crookedmedia/status/1005494620346712069

Secondly, for whatever reason, I have been saying “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams” NONSTOP since Sunday. I think that phrase is so dumb. Why would THAT make so many elementary school posters instead of something like “It’s ok to ask for help” or “be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle...” THAT PHRASE?! Whatever it makes no sense and I love it.

Thirdly, Boozer walked in the door with Chik-fil-et and now she is my wife: 

Will you accept this milkshake? 

We open the episode with some rain, and I could tell you the exact day that this happened because it’s literally rained once this year… This David/Jordan drama is giving me so much life. Jordan is the perfect candidate for this because he has no personality and ALL the insecurity. David is the perfect candidate because he is… eleven years old.

Is Chris wearing a one piece sweat- oh. It’s two pieces. Bless up. Whew. I don't even care about Chris, but I’m glad that it’s not a single sweatsuit onesie.

Harrison comes in to give them a really stupid and useless speech before he delivers the group date card for:

Group Date

Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton

I love that they bring Arie's girls here to remind us who they are before Bachelor in Paradise. There is NO reason for them to be here and you know who I wouldn’t want anywhere near a dude I was dating? Bekah M with her chest NOT COVERED UP.

For whatever reason, we have to watch Becca awkwardly put on a bathrobe over her bathing suit and her sandals are… not sexy. I KNOW I’M ONE TO TALK, but still. Not cute at ALL. 

I love that Colton and Jason decided to have a conversation about Tia in front of a waterfall that makes it sound like we are listening to dudes peeing. So much pee, so little Tia. 

I either like Jason or hate him, I can’t tell you which. And it seems like Becca feels the same because she 100% does NOT know his name. I'm sure she was honestly so flustered from looking at Colton - not because Colton is particularly dashing, but because she was so preoccupied with the Tia thing that she was NOT paying attention. 

MADISON: I feel like I wouldn’t tell someone if I forgot your name.

GRACE: No she did it literally in front of him.

JOHNNY: Is this guy a banker? I don’t believe his job is anything but a banker. Look at that widow's peak. 

This Tia/Colton thing is SO oversold, but I MUCH prefer it to the headlines of our president meeting with and praising a murderous dictator. Seriously I could watch Tia and Colton parade in front of their nations flags and sign documents for HOURS longer than the former.

This date is so crappy. I'm sure it sounded great when they pitched it, and maybe it was supposed to be outside, but that still wouldn't have made it any better. The producers should have at least had some kind of PLAN, don't just give the dudes glittery nail polish and tell them to go to town. (While they're cramped in this room, no less?) Also I can tell you something right now – none of those dudes could POSSIBLY massage my feet hard enough. And it's not like any of them know how to paint nails!

Wait, did Jordan just say that he’s “out here like a surgeon?” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! PS Jordan hasn't posted anything on Instagram since June 2 so you have to wonder what's going on with that dude. 

Tia and Becca sit down to talk and the timeline of Tia/Colton still makes no sense. Nor does it make any sense that Becca wouldn't have known about it. But I respect the fact that we're really just getting amped up for BIP, here.

Finally we leave the dismal spa room, and I’m not even a little mad that Jean Blanc pulled a slick move to get Becca away from the dudes. I don't understand why he has to pull out his hair massager, to show her that NO HE BROUGHT HIS OWN, but whatever. 

Meanwhile, Wills isn’t great at math, but he understands that if Jordan has 4,000 matches on Tinder then he’s gotta spend… a lot of time on Tinder.

David pulls Becca aside and tells her Jordan is a tool. Becca is savage AF and high fives Jordan about it, before he nearly accosts her by the fire place and says - verbatim - "I know it’s hard with me being like… a model. It’s hard to find someone who matches the intensity and the fun” This was followed up by “You are something I would like to see myself next to." Thing. She's a THING, to him! Time is UP, JordyRoo.

Jordan proceeds to lose even MORE of his chill and whines that: "MY IMAGE IS ME. This is the face of a Wilhelmina model. You know what is attached to my face? Professionality!!" This guy seriously doesn't even know which way is up and I couldn't possibly love it any more.

I should mention that the peanut gallery is divided on what we think about David vs. Jordan. Half of us love the spectacle that is Jordan, but half of us love the relentlessness that is David. 

COLTON: I will work my ass off everyday to prove myself to Becca.

JOHNNY: this sounds like a middle school election speech.

BOOZER: And that is why you should vote for me. Pizza for everyone.
JOHNNY: Gluten-free pizza too, cause I believe in inclusion.

Jordan continues to unravel: 

JORDAN: I’m gonna start being implicit with my strategy…

BOOZER: nice word.

JOHNNY and GRACE: But that literally makes no sense.

But seriously what did he even mean by that? Did he mean that he is going to be more subtle in his attempts to undermine David? Or did he (as we suspect) misuse the word and mean to say that he would be more EXplicit and overt in his strategy? 

Rose went to Colton. 

One on One: Chris

Becca and Chris’s body language is weird in the limo right now. They are NOT sitting close to each other and Chris keeps putting his arms up so she can't get near him. 

RICHARD MARX!!! No one in the living room has heard of him. And I immediately reminded them of “Right Here Waiting” AS WELL AS “At the Beginning” from a classic movie I like to call Ananstasia. 

Aaaaaaand life is a road and I wanna keep going... 

Quick shoutout to the time that SEAL came on that date with Brad Womack and Ashley Spivey - may we NEVER forget that. 

Honestly Chris looks way too much like Ben Stiller for me to focus on anything else.

JOHNNY: How old is this dude?

GRACE: 30? 31?

JOHNNY: if you told me he was 56, I’d believe it.

BECCA: I wanna get to know the real Chris.

JOHNNY: Same.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:

JORDAN: God is gonna 86 him.

CAROLYN: What does that mean?

GRACE: ‘Get rid of.’ Come on, don’t you remember in The Princess Diaries when Mia says “Hey Joe, can we 86 the flags” on the limo?

JOHNNY: Oh now I remember. That’s my favorite line. When they talk about 86ing things.

Chris has been so expertly produced on this date. The producers are pulling out ALL the stops, trying to tell him how he needs to be vulnerable if he wants to stay around, and trying to drag vulnerability out of him by making him write a song. He probably has no idea what kind of psychological ringer they are putting him through right now. 

CHRIS: My dad left our family on New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him since.

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot too. I was engaged one time

JOHNNY: He deserves a rose. He did great.

GRACE: But what if she doesn’t see a future with him? Then it’s just a sympathy rose.

JOHNNY: Oh whatever. It’s only week two.

BOOZER and GRACE: IT’S WEEK THREE!!

Group Date: 

Clay, Garrett, Leo, Chrstion, Banjo Ryan, Vemo John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, Blake

Lincoln trying to do the right over left crossovers (or whatever they are called) is LITERALLY me in Zumba class. Every. Single. Time. 

I love Blake so much. Johnny couldn’t hate him any more. Which makes me realize that any time I bring home a dude, Johnny will HATE him. Well, that and the fact that he couldn't contain any more hatred for all the guys in this franchise I love. See: Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, Dean Unglert... the list goes on... 

I seriously keep forgetting who Mike is. Every single time. I need more of Mike and I need more of Christon. I need WAAAAAY more commentary from Christon. 

They started this date in the early morning and now the sun is clearly going down. This seems to have been the longest day EVER, no wonder the dudes are starting to get sloppy. Clay now thinks he broke his wrist. Did he break it when he fell? Did he break it catching the ball? Oh, sports. Who even knows! 

BLAKE: I feel like Becca is my girlfriend.

MATT: Your girl’s cheating on you, man.

WHY IS BECCA WEARING A BATHROBE TONIGHT. Lack of question mark intended to display angst and indignation. Cary Fetman, YOU LET ME DOWN. 

CLAY: I’m just glad to be here.

JOHNNY: He is a soggy teddy bear. Let's move on. 

Clay gets the rose. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Becca's red dress is giving me Dillard’s Prom, circa 1999.

Welp, she sure does like widow’s peak guy. That's all I have to say about THAT. 

Johnny pointed out that they are massively overestimating how much the audience cares about Clay. Cause I wanna put his whole thing on 1.5 speed. He is speaking SO. SLOWLY. I still really like him, though. I wonder if he'll be in Paradise. 

OH HONESTLY. Now we’re back to the thing where they do the rose ceremony at the beginning of the next episode and I have NO idea why they do that. It is SO annoying and it doesn’t hook ANYONE!! So irritated.


To wrap up, just wanna mention a quick fact here at the bottom, because truth matters:

Facts:

Kim Jong Un has KILLED HIS FAMILY MEMBERS. He has led a regime of starving and impoverished citizens. If you wish to further read about the atrocities he has committed, please do so:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/11/world/asia/north-korea-human-rights.html

Until the next rose ceremony, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...