PROFESSIONS OF PROFESSIONALITY

PSA: GUYS FATHER'S DAY IS THIS SUNDAY, GET GOING. 

First of all, just wanna say a huge thank you to everyone that has been so supportive in these past few days. Yes, I DID go to a taping of Lovett or Leave It last Friday, yes I WAS on the Crooked Media Instagram story, and subsequently their Twitter feed and the clipped has been viewed over 40,000 times, someone turned my face into a gif and like… it’s honestly just so much fame. Nearly too much to handle – I was kind of afraid of going outside for a while there, but I’m getting through.

(No but seriously – this happened, and I will NEVER be over it: https://twitter.com/crookedmedia/status/1005494620346712069

Secondly, for whatever reason, I have been saying “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams” NONSTOP since Sunday. I think that phrase is so dumb. Why would THAT make so many elementary school posters instead of something like “It’s ok to ask for help” or “be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle...” THAT PHRASE?! Whatever it makes no sense and I love it.

Thirdly, Boozer walked in the door with Chik-fil-et and now she is my wife: 

Will you accept this milkshake? 

We open the episode with some rain, and I could tell you the exact day that this happened because it’s literally rained once this year… This David/Jordan drama is giving me so much life. Jordan is the perfect candidate for this because he has no personality and ALL the insecurity. David is the perfect candidate because he is… eleven years old.

Is Chris wearing a one piece sweat- oh. It’s two pieces. Bless up. Whew. I don't even care about Chris, but I’m glad that it’s not a single sweatsuit onesie.

Harrison comes in to give them a really stupid and useless speech before he delivers the group date card for:

Group Date

Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton

I love that they bring Arie's girls here to remind us who they are before Bachelor in Paradise. There is NO reason for them to be here and you know who I wouldn’t want anywhere near a dude I was dating? Bekah M with her chest NOT COVERED UP.

For whatever reason, we have to watch Becca awkwardly put on a bathrobe over her bathing suit and her sandals are… not sexy. I KNOW I’M ONE TO TALK, but still. Not cute at ALL. 

I love that Colton and Jason decided to have a conversation about Tia in front of a waterfall that makes it sound like we are listening to dudes peeing. So much pee, so little Tia. 

I either like Jason or hate him, I can’t tell you which. And it seems like Becca feels the same because she 100% does NOT know his name. I'm sure she was honestly so flustered from looking at Colton - not because Colton is particularly dashing, but because she was so preoccupied with the Tia thing that she was NOT paying attention. 

MADISON: I feel like I wouldn’t tell someone if I forgot your name.

GRACE: No she did it literally in front of him.

JOHNNY: Is this guy a banker? I don’t believe his job is anything but a banker. Look at that widow's peak. 

This Tia/Colton thing is SO oversold, but I MUCH prefer it to the headlines of our president meeting with and praising a murderous dictator. Seriously I could watch Tia and Colton parade in front of their nations flags and sign documents for HOURS longer than the former.

This date is so crappy. I'm sure it sounded great when they pitched it, and maybe it was supposed to be outside, but that still wouldn't have made it any better. The producers should have at least had some kind of PLAN, don't just give the dudes glittery nail polish and tell them to go to town. (While they're cramped in this room, no less?) Also I can tell you something right now – none of those dudes could POSSIBLY massage my feet hard enough. And it's not like any of them know how to paint nails!

Wait, did Jordan just say that he’s “out here like a surgeon?” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! PS Jordan hasn't posted anything on Instagram since June 2 so you have to wonder what's going on with that dude. 

Tia and Becca sit down to talk and the timeline of Tia/Colton still makes no sense. Nor does it make any sense that Becca wouldn't have known about it. But I respect the fact that we're really just getting amped up for BIP, here.

Finally we leave the dismal spa room, and I’m not even a little mad that Jean Blanc pulled a slick move to get Becca away from the dudes. I don't understand why he has to pull out his hair massager, to show her that NO HE BROUGHT HIS OWN, but whatever. 

Meanwhile, Wills isn’t great at math, but he understands that if Jordan has 4,000 matches on Tinder then he’s gotta spend… a lot of time on Tinder.

David pulls Becca aside and tells her Jordan is a tool. Becca is savage AF and high fives Jordan about it, before he nearly accosts her by the fire place and says - verbatim - "I know it’s hard with me being like… a model. It’s hard to find someone who matches the intensity and the fun” This was followed up by “You are something I would like to see myself next to." Thing. She's a THING, to him! Time is UP, JordyRoo.

Jordan proceeds to lose even MORE of his chill and whines that: "MY IMAGE IS ME. This is the face of a Wilhelmina model. You know what is attached to my face? Professionality!!" This guy seriously doesn't even know which way is up and I couldn't possibly love it any more.

I should mention that the peanut gallery is divided on what we think about David vs. Jordan. Half of us love the spectacle that is Jordan, but half of us love the relentlessness that is David. 

COLTON: I will work my ass off everyday to prove myself to Becca.

JOHNNY: this sounds like a middle school election speech.

BOOZER: And that is why you should vote for me. Pizza for everyone.
JOHNNY: Gluten-free pizza too, cause I believe in inclusion.

Jordan continues to unravel: 

JORDAN: I’m gonna start being implicit with my strategy…

BOOZER: nice word.

JOHNNY and GRACE: But that literally makes no sense.

But seriously what did he even mean by that? Did he mean that he is going to be more subtle in his attempts to undermine David? Or did he (as we suspect) misuse the word and mean to say that he would be more EXplicit and overt in his strategy? 

Rose went to Colton. 

One on One: Chris

Becca and Chris’s body language is weird in the limo right now. They are NOT sitting close to each other and Chris keeps putting his arms up so she can't get near him. 

RICHARD MARX!!! No one in the living room has heard of him. And I immediately reminded them of “Right Here Waiting” AS WELL AS “At the Beginning” from a classic movie I like to call Ananstasia. 

Aaaaaaand life is a road and I wanna keep going... 

Quick shoutout to the time that SEAL came on that date with Brad Womack and Ashley Spivey - may we NEVER forget that. 

Honestly Chris looks way too much like Ben Stiller for me to focus on anything else.

JOHNNY: How old is this dude?

GRACE: 30? 31?

JOHNNY: if you told me he was 56, I’d believe it.

BECCA: I wanna get to know the real Chris.

JOHNNY: Same.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:

JORDAN: God is gonna 86 him.

CAROLYN: What does that mean?

GRACE: ‘Get rid of.’ Come on, don’t you remember in The Princess Diaries when Mia says “Hey Joe, can we 86 the flags” on the limo?

JOHNNY: Oh now I remember. That’s my favorite line. When they talk about 86ing things.

Chris has been so expertly produced on this date. The producers are pulling out ALL the stops, trying to tell him how he needs to be vulnerable if he wants to stay around, and trying to drag vulnerability out of him by making him write a song. He probably has no idea what kind of psychological ringer they are putting him through right now. 

CHRIS: My dad left our family on New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him since.

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot too. I was engaged one time

JOHNNY: He deserves a rose. He did great.

GRACE: But what if she doesn’t see a future with him? Then it’s just a sympathy rose.

JOHNNY: Oh whatever. It’s only week two.

BOOZER and GRACE: IT’S WEEK THREE!!

Group Date: 

Clay, Garrett, Leo, Chrstion, Banjo Ryan, Vemo John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, Blake

Lincoln trying to do the right over left crossovers (or whatever they are called) is LITERALLY me in Zumba class. Every. Single. Time. 

I love Blake so much. Johnny couldn’t hate him any more. Which makes me realize that any time I bring home a dude, Johnny will HATE him. Well, that and the fact that he couldn't contain any more hatred for all the guys in this franchise I love. See: Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, Dean Unglert... the list goes on... 

I seriously keep forgetting who Mike is. Every single time. I need more of Mike and I need more of Christon. I need WAAAAAY more commentary from Christon. 

They started this date in the early morning and now the sun is clearly going down. This seems to have been the longest day EVER, no wonder the dudes are starting to get sloppy. Clay now thinks he broke his wrist. Did he break it when he fell? Did he break it catching the ball? Oh, sports. Who even knows! 

BLAKE: I feel like Becca is my girlfriend.

MATT: Your girl’s cheating on you, man.

WHY IS BECCA WEARING A BATHROBE TONIGHT. Lack of question mark intended to display angst and indignation. Cary Fetman, YOU LET ME DOWN. 

CLAY: I’m just glad to be here.

JOHNNY: He is a soggy teddy bear. Let's move on. 

Clay gets the rose. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Becca's red dress is giving me Dillard’s Prom, circa 1999.

Welp, she sure does like widow’s peak guy. That's all I have to say about THAT. 

Johnny pointed out that they are massively overestimating how much the audience cares about Clay. Cause I wanna put his whole thing on 1.5 speed. He is speaking SO. SLOWLY. I still really like him, though. I wonder if he'll be in Paradise. 

OH HONESTLY. Now we’re back to the thing where they do the rose ceremony at the beginning of the next episode and I have NO idea why they do that. It is SO annoying and it doesn’t hook ANYONE!! So irritated.


To wrap up, just wanna mention a quick fact here at the bottom, because truth matters:

Facts:

Kim Jong Un has KILLED HIS FAMILY MEMBERS. He has led a regime of starving and impoverished citizens. If you wish to further read about the atrocities he has committed, please do so:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/11/world/asia/north-korea-human-rights.html

Until the next rose ceremony, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

WAIT ARE YOU A MODEL?

Couple things:
1) IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA AND ARE NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE, DO SO *RIGHT NOW* so you can vote in the general election! (Or if you live LITERALLY anywhere and are not registered to vote)
2) Right before the episode, news broke that they also have Paul Manafort on witness tampering and I am LIVING.
3) Y'ALL HAVE TO READ AMY KAUFMAN'S BACHELOR NATION. It's such a good read on the show, but also unscripted TV in general. Also maybe the millennial psyche, in general.

Guys. You all know this is my favorite episode. The dates are totally overproduced because they’re still in LA, and there are still PLENTY of crazy contestants so we get plenty of nutty sound bites. We get crying over a picture frame and half-naked dudes at rose ceremonies and I LOVE IT.


We open with Becca biking around Venice and LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW: Biking in Venice is NOT this easy. 11/10 would NOT recommend doing this. I’m not just trying to be like, “Guys, I live in LA, I KNOW.” Truly: biking, walking, BREATHING in Venice Beach is very problematic.


The dudes saunter around the mansion, stand on a balcony and yell Becca’s name for no reason at all and I need the record to show that I’m REALLY enjoying Blake. I really think it might be because he reminds me of Miles Teller, who stole my heart as Willard in the movie reboot of Footloose, may we NEVER forget:

Group Date: 

Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln 

 
I’M SO EXCITED THAT JORDAN IS ON THIS DATE YOU GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A HOT MESS AND NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES ANY SENSE. 

 
Great product placement from BLK Tuxedo, whatever that is. Also I love how Becca said she wanted this to be about pampering and there are… tuxes. Like, the only thing they have to be luxurious about is… tuxedos. THAT’S SO RELAXING TO PUT ON A TUX! 

 
Jordan wants to give Becca some tips about what to do before she puts her… panty hose on in the morning. I really can’t dignify this with much commentary. Did he think it was too scandalous to say “underwear?” Or did he start to say “panties” then decide THAT was too scandalous and veer towards panty hose? I think I'm giving him too much credit. It was so weird and I love it. 

 
We see Rachel and Bryan and… I don’t miss Bryan. At ALL. This is honestly a great idea for a date (yes I know they did the Dad obstacle course with Ashton and Mila last season, but I’m thinking of how much better it will be than the bride obstacle course that they did with Farmer Chris. ) cause dudes are competitive AF and won’t worry about running an outfit. (I wouldn’t personally worry about “running an outfit” so much as I’d spend the whole time thinking “this cost HOW much?”
OMG as soon as we hear Bryan’s voice I am OVERWHELMED by how much I do NOT miss him!!

"Cold Feet" was the best thing they could come up with? There isn’t even ice in that thing! 

 
Carolyn has drawn our attention to the fact that there is a show in Japan called “Slippery Stairs," where people try to climb up… slippery stairs. No for real, it's a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGPLNQzKGSA Your'e welcome.

I do NOT have time for David saying that “he was drawn to the right cake like he was drawn to Becca. Was he drawn to a chicken suit because he has been "chicken" in love before? GIMME A BREAK.

Lincoln won, and I'm just so glad we are done seeing Bryan aka "Dr Abs" for the rest of the season. (No for real, he calls himself "Dr. Abs")

Interesting note about continuity - Becca's hair was straight on this date (at the end of the night) and in one of her interviews, it is definitely curly. BUT in OTHER interviews that night, it was straight! Which means, the producers looked at the footage, decided they needed another soundbite and sat Becca down in that same outfit for an interview, to get the exact soundbite (I can't even remember what she was saying when she had curly hair in that one shot. Maybe it was something to better set up the picture throwing sequence.) They did this a lot with Corinne on Nick's season, it's just interesting that we only saw ONE soundbite of curly-haired Becca, not even multiple.

I love that the dudes can have a whole conversation about who Lincoln is… when they’ve known him for 24 hours. They're sitting around on the couch saying bro things like "Yeah he just likes to brag man, he's that kind of guy..." Oh really? Do you know that from the years of friendship you've had with him? So many armchair experts. This episode is my favorite.

OMG this argument between Connor and Lincoln is really something else. Connor is already in self-destruct mode and it’s only the first group date!! STAND DOWN, STAND DOWN!!


Ok two things about the frame throwing: the sound of glass shattering was added in post production. And then they clearly sent the PA down to shove it in the pool and get a shot of it. I obviously love all of it, but let's not pretend that Connor had the ability and precision to throw the frame to hit a tree then land in the pool.
....and Jordan is LOVING it.

Because he has absolutely zero brain cells left, he is reveling in this whole thing. You and me both, Jordy.

Lincoln insists that the picture is broken and now his heart is broken, and honestly I hate that, but honestly it's better than David's line about the cake but honestly:

Could’ve done without Jean Blanc’s segue into the kiss, but I’ll allow it cause she was into it. And just as I'm getting comfortable accepting that I'm allowing this, Lincoln comes to Becca about Connor like my kindergarten students used to come to me when they wanted me to get another student in trouble. And instead of giving Lincoln the tools that he needs to solve this himself, Becca goes and fetches Connor.

Connor could have gotten out of this. He could have easily said “I was totally caught up and I regret doing that. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to get to know you." But instead it was just super tense and uncomfortable and I'm surprised she didn't send him home right away.

Ummmmm is anyone else seeing these HORRIBLE commercials from former Bachelorettes for Ocean’s 8??? Also… ASHLEY I, YOU WERE NEVER A BACHELORETTE WHAT IS GOING ON. (I have no idea why people like Becca Tilley and Nick Viall are publicizing their relationship. Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they are gunning for a Bachelor in Paradise wedding, but I truly have no idea. I mean, good for them, maybe true love is real, but like.... what is going on. Also a quick side note about Jared - y'all remember when Kaitlyn and Co were in Ireland and the dudes had to ride a bus to wherever they were going but Jared got to ride with Kaitlyn? AND THEN THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE TOP OF A TOWER AND KISSED A ROCK?! I'm still stressed out by all those germs. To this day. Whew, just needed to get that off my chest)


Oh and NOW Lincoln is weeping about the picture frame. Honestly the ability of these producers to KEEP UP THIS LEVEL OF HYPE ABOUT NOTHING is truly amazing. Also who even is that dude that listened to Lincoln and then turned around and laughed about him with Jordan? Do we need to be concerned about this? Jason. I think it was Jason. He looks like Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You. 

Then in a turn of events that we probably all saw coming... Jordan hits us with something for which we were not really prepared: "ingenuinity." In-Genunin-ity. Not "ingenuity," there is definitely a whole 'nother syllable added in there. This guy better make it to the final two then go to Bachelor in Paradise because I LOVE HIM.

One on One Date:
BLAKE
Blake’s teeth are definitely wine stained when he finds out that he gets the date, but who even cares.

OMG SEND ME ON A DATE WITH BLAKE I LOVE HIM. If he is the next Bachelor, I will do the Christmas gift sprint contest that Arnold Schwarzenegger does against Sinbad in Jingle All The Way to get to be the first in line.

(Did that happen? In that movie? With those people? I honestly saw the trailer one time but it clearly left an impression)

Wait Blake's posture in the limo is really defensive! See how he was a) gripping his knees and b) had his arm up, making a barrier between the two of them? HE IS CLOSED OFF.

I wonder if they had some kind of celeb lined up for this but they backed out, because it makes NO sense that Hare is introducing this date.

Oh. Oh I see that Li'l John is waiting inside. Maybe he showed up super late? Honestly the only song I really need from him is “Yeah!” But I’ll take “Turn Down for What” I love that he is like, narrating the whole thing… "Turn down for what?! Smash that dead love, Becca!" Also weird that this date is based on... Arie. Like, hey Blake, come on this date that is all about my ex! Weird.

I have never heard of Warwick, except to tell you that Richard III lived at/helped build Warwick Castle in England, but Carolyn HAS been there (to the LA bar) and says it’s super trendy. Wouldn't know.

The second episode is obviously my favorite for reasons listed above, but there is also so much talk of “I LOVE spending time with you. You have qualities that I’m looking for!” And I do NOT have any interest in those conversations. They are not real. Even the pleasantry "I loved meeting you!" is what you say when you have NOTHING else to say. Blake gets the rose because he is perfect and then Becca not-so-smoothly yanks him up against a wall. But I can't say I wouldn't do the same, soooo...


Group Date: 
Garrett, Ricky, John, Bryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton

I can't even remember what the date card said, but it definitely should have said "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"

OMG these kids are HYSTERICAL and I love it. These dudes are getting so sweaty and this is hilarious and awesome. YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH?!? I am howling.

So glad Fred Willard is here. This makes zero sense, but please bring him to narrate EVERYTHING.

Leo is probably “so good at dodgeball” because he is an actor and has plenty of time to practice trampoline dodgeball. (Have y'all ever been to one of these trampoline places? They're super fun.)

Alex is SUPA cute. His teeth are 100% fake but I will 100% allow it.

I think Wills might be the first time that a kiss on the show was described as “sultry," but like Alex's teeth: I'll allow it. (Why am I allowing so much this season? Am I getting soft in my old age?)

I love that the rose is on a platter with… clams and ginger roots. Legit like Ivanka Trump’s Thanksgiving table:


Colton takes Garrett aside and talks to him about how he dated Tia… 1) How could Becca NOT know that they dated? She had to know. 2) Garrett had absolutely ZERO idea who Tia was. Honestly good for him. This entire conversation was staged, at least that wasn't.

Ah, unless the footage they showed of her reaction was not the actual moment where he told her, her face really didn’t move. She’s frustrated, but she obviously very much knew. Interesting that she clearly likes him enough to keep him around. She didn't like that guy Jake from Minnesota, so she sent him home. She didn't like that guy Chase (whose ex-girlfriend texted Chris) so she sent him home. NOT SO WITH COLTON! Either Becca gets over the Tia hang up REAL quick, or it drags out for the next episode before she sends him home.

Sultry Wills gets the group date rose

Rose Ceremony

I think Becca is emotional this morning because she really wanted something to happen with Colton and she is having to deal with the fact that he dated Tia. Something about Colton rings VERY disingenuous to me. Or like he is full of un-in-genuity, or something.

Quick question: why are Garrett’s eyes welling up, like, always? He legit always looks like he's about to cry.

CLAY: Let’s have a victory dance. We do a couple of moves and then my teammates and I…
BOOZER: Kiss? Do you kiss?
Honestly the kiss wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I was bracing for, to be totally real.

Coulda been worse. 

Oh I’m glad that Venmo John went in for the kiss!

Wooooow Connor really went for the fresh start. This is so amazing. I am so impressed. He called in an entire PR team to figure this out and he NAILED IT. I'm so glad she didn't send him home so we could witness this comeback tour.

Jordan doesn’t go kyaking on Sundays, he wants you to know.

JORDAN: Tick tock, make it rock!
BOOZER: ...here's my great big...??
CAROLYN: Happy pride!

I love that Jordan STRIPS down and proceeds to say “I am spontaneous, I like to speed. My hair is usually kempt.” Also for a dude that is supposed to be comfortable in his skin… he is tightly wrapping that button down around his waist right now. This honestly reminds me of when Corinne did that whipped cream thing with Nick, that sounded so great in her head but the actual execution was very messy. Gosh, Corinne and Jordy would probably be perfect for each other.

Chicken David semi-confronts him and Jordan says ZERO things that make any sense.
INGENUINITY. He said it again. I love this.

Roses went to:
Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, I’M A WILHEMINA MODEL, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton

HOW DID THEY GET ALEX TO CRY OMG THEY MOST HAVE BROUGHT IN A CRISIS NEGOTIATOR TO PULL TEARS OUT OF HIM. He was so cute. I'll miss him and his fake teeth.


Finally a quick note - and I'm doing this at the end so I won't lose you at the beginning - I just wanna do a quick Life Fact Check, because the man who is in the highest office in this country has been saying some things in some public statements (because YES, sentiments from the social media platform he uses to post is considered a public statement) and they are categorically untrue. Like, VERY, VERY FALSE. Just wanna go over a few things quickly because truth matters:

1) There is not a law that is separating parents from children at the border. it is a policy. It is a policy that has been implemented by the current administration's Department of Homeland Security and Attorney General, so to say that "democrats are why we have laws separating parents from children" is categorically untrue.
I'm not even commenting on the policy itself, just pointing out some lies. Further reading: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2018/jun/06/what-you-need-know-about-trump-administrations-zer/
2) There was not a spy planted in the president's campaign. There was a very run-of-the-mill counterintelligence operation, because there were people in the campaign that raised A BUNCH OF RED FLAGS because of their communications and business dealings with people like... ALL OF RUSSIA. (Four - FOUR! of the former campaign associates have been indicted by the special counsel.) Even very Republican Trey Gowdy and House Speaker Paul Ryan have acknowledged that there was no spy. Further reading:
https://www.vox.com/2018/5/25/17380212/spygate-trump-russia-spy-stefan-halper-fbi-explained

Hooray for Facts!!

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

All God's Children Got a Rose

Guys... So much has happened in my life since Arie's season... I fell in love, I got married, we bought a house- LOL JK STILL ENJOYING MY SINGLE MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS, FAM.

Honestly the biggest update is that I got a stupid MacBook. I went into Best Buy for a new computer (because I literally had to use an earring to turn on my sweet, sweet Think Pad) and the deal that they had in the MacBook was TOO GOOD to pass up. It wasn't the software or the aesthetic that got me, it was the DEAL. Because by now we all know that nothing tastes as good as saving money feels AMIRITE?

Two quick book updates: most importantly: James Comey's book came out and it was WONDERFUL. 11/10 would recommend. The book isn't about the president, it's about Comey's life and what he considers to make an excellent leader - they peddled the bits about POTUS to help sell the book, it's only a small part. I was just writing down quotes that I loved from the book and here is one of my favorites:


"A sense of humor in particular, strikes me as an important indicator - or "tell" - about someone's ego. Having a balance of confidence and humility is essential to effective leadership. Laughing in a genuine way requires a certain level of confidence, because we all look a little silly laughing; that makes us vulnerable, a state insecure people fear. And laughing is also frequently an appreciation of others who have said something that is funny. That is, you didn't say it and by laughing you acknowledge the other, something else insecure people can't do."

COME ON, HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT?!

Also MARVELOUS shout-out to Amy Kaufman's Bachelor Nation, because it, too, was DELIGHTFUL. Let me give you the logline that I tell people - including the stranger at LAX that I convinced to buy a copy of the book: not only does she have things like Sharleen Joynt's journal excerpts from Juan Pablo's season, but her best friend's mom is the chair of Harvard's Folklore and Mythology department, so she does a deep dive on why we, as this allegedly progressive society, still cling to the old fashioned notions of gender norms and stereotypes. GET IT AND READ IT, PEOPLE.

Ok ok ok, moving onto the episode. Wait, one more thing about Arie - did y'all see this GQ article? 

https://www.gq.com/story/the-bachelor-arie-luyendyk-jr-profile

It's fascinating and there's a definite twist at the end. Very worth the read. 

(Scroll to the end to see my comments on the Garrett Instagram drama) 

Ok NOW onto the episode: 

First things first: I’m def into the Corgi that Becca's sister is holding. Is that Corgi ever gonna find love? That's the show I wanna watch.

Becca's mom telling her “You’ve got so much going for you” is EVERY MOTHER who has ever lived. My mom legit says this to me when I've binged on popcorn and chocolate and three seasons of Peaky Blinders, and she truly believes it. Thanks for your service, Moms.

Ok this room that Becca is staying in looks 0% spacious or luxurious. There is a 2 ft radius around the bed. Guess she won't have to worry about her charger reaching the pillow. Also why is she doing aerial yoga? Is this foreshadowing?

Becca says she “idolizes” what the former bachelorettes have.

That... is troubling. (Unless she means their Instagram sponsorships, because... who wouldn't?)

Why is JoJo wearing a school jumper to this Bachelorette Reunion? Like, legit what I wore in 4th grade? I also really want to see a NOT middle part on JoJo. This conversation is so dull and boring. Why isn't Kaitlyn talking more? Ohhhh we got a "Let's do the damn thing" from her. I think we're done here. 

Obviously that phrase will be way overused this season, but I just have to take a quick moment to remind us all that it was what Becca first said to Arie WHEN SHE MET HIM AND MADE HIM FAKE PROPOSE to her, and she also said it several other times on their dates... and he DIDN'T say it when he proposed. Which tells us legit all we need to know or remember about him. 

I am into this dress on her. All the pearls. Wait but why is there a safety pin? Did the Production Assistant really think we wouldn't see that? 

INTRO VIDEOS:

Clay… Clay is a sprinter. Legit all he does in this intro video is sprint. Clay’s speaking voice makes it seem like he hasn’t taken a breath in 19 years, but that's probably because he has been sprinting that whole time.

Garrett.... Garrett is pretty cute, but too cheesy. I don't hate a Matt Foley impression, but I don't think it's the thing to be leading with...

Jordan. Jordan is a professional model. “Intensive Gentleman” I CANNOT. I can’t believe they let him keep the title of “Male Model” and what even IS a “tub of chocolates?” He says he sits on the couch and eats a tub of chocolates... A tub of ice cream, you mean? A box of chocolates? I hope this guy sticks around cause he's like Robby and every dude from Armani fragrance ads had a baby...

Lincoln... Oh Lincoln can jump rope with one foot... I think I'm a little impressed by that.

Joe… Joe doesn’t know how to wink. But he's pretty cute.

Jean Blanc… I don’t even know where to start with this. I'm not mad about being obsessed with fragrances, I totally get that, but like... why is he showing us his watch collection?

Colton is wearing a velvet vest right now. Ok well he is kind of dreamy. Oh ok the vest is for charity. (I think) I sure hope this charity is real.

LIMO ENTRANCES:

Colton came out of the gate with confetti poppers, which I can get behind. Pretty cute. 

Clay said some football puns then legit yelled “I WILL CATCH YOU INSIDE” into her face. I really wanna like this guy but he seemed pretty nervous. 

Jean Blanc getting her to say “let’s do the damn thing” in French was the only acceptable use of that phrase.

"Connor. Fitness coach." was all I wrote down for him.

Joe. Joe has already had too much to drink. I was really hoping for some produce jokes from him.

John told Becca about his grandparents then hugged her. Bye, John!

Leo is a stuntman. I can’t imagine being a stunt man with that much hair.

Jordan’s limo exit was a dumpster fire. He “was not expecting this color” on Becca and is “already having a great time." I made us re-watch his limo exit about 14 times, because the way that he rehearsed exiting the limo but didn't account for how awkward that silence would be in real life was something ELSE.

Alex. Whoaaaa Alex. Alex is DREAMY.

Nick does not have socks on. Stunt man is already talking smack about him.

Mike has a cardboard cut out of Arie. His line about it isn’t TERRIBLE, but I could still live without Arie's face.

Grant came out of the gate in a minivan... does he want to drive the minivan, or does he expect Becca to drive it? When they have kids - what is it Gaston says in Beauty and the Beast? "While the little ones play by the fire..." 

STRAPPING YOUNG BOYS. YOU WILL BEAR MY CHILDREN. 

I can't decide if I'm going to love Garrett or hate him. Either he is gonna stick around for a long time, or his cheesiness will get the boot REAL quick. 

Now someone is whining about how many guys there are - how do these dudes NOT know that there are gonna be a bunch of dudes?

What is Blake even riding in on? Is this a bull? An ox? Oh it IS an ox, thank you, pun. Male model recognizes Blake. Oh he also recognizes Lincoln. Because he watched the AFTR footage like Matt Saracen watched old Dillon Panthers footage. 

My comments get shorter as my attention span decreases:

Darius is cute.

Oh I think Ryan is SO cute. Is he a jerk? Time will tell.

Wills looks cute.

Jason wanted to have a secret handshake. It looks like every other secret handshake ever.

Kamil wants to meet halfway. And then 60/40. Get that guy outta here.

Then we meet Jake… who knew Becca in Minneapolis. Oh this is gonna be interesting.

Trent rolled up in a hearse. I mean, he's fully committed to literal death, I'll give you that.

Christian had to “see” Becca, spun her around and... seems hammered.

I’d like to point out that David’s words were transcribed on the closed captions as “Beh-Kaw.” And the blonde attorney sure appreciates the pun.

Chris brought a gospel choir. Yawn.

Connor steals her away first as stuntman brushes out his hair and says something about real estate. 

Whatever to the fact that Clay brought along some... clay, but I like that he molded her wearing the dress. I feel like that shows some attempt at... art. 

I’m impressed that Christon could get her to spin the ball on her finger. WOW HE JUST DUNKED ON HER. I am officially impressed

I like salsa dancing guy. A lot.

Didn’t need to hear the poem that Jean Blanc wrote, but it’s cute that it’s on a candle.

BLAKE: My last relationship ended abruptly.
CAROLYN: Is she dead?

OMG WHY DOES THE ATTORNEY HAVE THAT MASSAGER?!?! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! 

Chicken guy is pretty cute… Aaaaaaand he’s a venture capitalist. Wait he’s 25? He’s a 25 year old venture capitalist? I honestly had to google "venture capitalist" because in my mind it's the same thing as "hedge fund manager" which basically means Chicken guy is Anthony Scaramucci.

Guys I love Jordan so much. He is such a righteously hot mess.

Wait I’m really starting to like Garrett.

Ohhhh WOW right now to Chase and calling out and blaming “Women, man…” This is NOT going to go well on Twitter. Also “I’m not that guy” ONLY comes from people who ARE THAT GUY. I love that this is turning into an actual thing.

Blake reminds me of Miles Teller and I’m HERE FOR IT.

Becca pulled Jake aside and told him that they'd met approximately 19 times back in Minneapolis. He said he recalled meeting her one time. And then said he'd had a transformative year. Which is honestly what I say after one trip to the gym. It is VERY easy to get the picture of Jake's past year, and I wish we got more of it in his intro video. Maybe he'll be on BIP...

Guys, Garrett is so cute. His smile is so big and I can’t even handle it. He got the first impression rose. And I liked him up until the Huffington Post article. See below.

Roses went to: Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Khal Drogo, Mike, Chris R.

Then of course after the episode, I read all about the Garrett Drama. For those who have just joined us, here's the gist: he hit the "like" button on some terrible stuff on Instagram. Detailed here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bachelorette-premiere-garrett-yrigoyen_us_5b0837d9e4b0fdb2aa5342b6

We're looking at the prospect of him hitting the like button on some of the following:

Couple of things: 

1) I am a little taken a back by the notion that your social media can lead to condemnation. I don't disagree with it, but it's definitely new territory for all of us. And also a quick admission that if someone combed through my social media likes, they'd probably say something like "How can she even have a job, she spends all her time liking stationery and pen bloggers!!" (...which is not untrue) But we knew this was coming. I keep work and politics off of my Facebook and Instagram for the most part because I don't think that those are a good platform for those thoughts. (Therefore I mostly just post about cookies) My Twitter handle is usually aflame with political statements and articles, but definitely nothing that I wouldn't defend in front of a court of law, or even in front of my super Republican grandparents. (Who told me five days ago that they love me even though I voted blue) But my point is: WE KNEW THIS WAS COMING! We know that these things aren't sacred! The like button has more power than I think we've all been willing to give it, but this isn't surprising. 

2) IF these screenshots are real, (he has yet to release a statement confirming or denying) did this stuff come up? Like it came up with Lee on Rachel's season? (Where we saw Lee showing some of his more racist colors) And if not... HOW DID THIS NOT COME UP?! Honestly the border wall is in like, the top 5 things I first talk to people about when I meet them. Not kidding. That, or Michael Cohen. Maybe there's a reason why I'm still single. LOL JK I WILL NEVER CHANGE. #SorryDad

3) I will be VERY curious about how ABC responds to this, especially in the wake of the cancellation of Roseanne. Like, how woke do you wanna be, ABC? (granted, I don't think that what Roseanne and Garrett have done are the same thing, nor do they have the same kinds of jobs/representations/expectations, but it will still be interesting to watch) ALSO interesting because I'm pretty sure it's a part of Garrett's contract that he can't really speak about the show until he's been eliminated. What if he lasts a long time? Will ABC craft a statement before then? 

UNTIL THEN,

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Starfish, Party of One

Things:

- Honestly all I cared about at the Oscars was Kween of my Life, Allison Janney. NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR *MY* POTUS. Big Daddy kept calling me throughout the show, mostly to ask me things like, "What does that movie with the baking soda guy have to do with Mike Pence?" But he called for Best Supporting Actress announcement because "I wanted to be on the phone with you when Your Meryl won!"

Also special shout out to other queen – Jennifer Garner and that gorgeous dress. She never doesn’t deliver.

Don't even need to crop this screenshot cause she's a straight up GODDESS.

- Frances McDormand just DOES not have any flips to give. She didn’t wear any makeup, she set Oscar on the ground, she ate a bucket of fried chicken at the after party – WE SALUTE YOU, FRANCES.

- E’erybody be sure and stock up on aluminum foil. I love that Paul Ryan is like, “You can come for the women, you can come for the immigrants… BUT HANDS OFF MY CHEAP ALUMINIUM, FAM.”


Finally… let me take you back to my freshman year of college… (Have I told this story before? Stop me if I have. Lol jk you can’t.) Lissa Rubin, idol goddess herself (who was a senior when I was a freshman) somehow majestically decreed that she was going to come to my dorm room and watch the finale of Jason Mesnick’s season with me (seriously what did I do to deserve such an honor?) We watched, as I clutched my Jonas Brothers pillow (no really – it was a thing - shoutout to Maria Kim in the background)

Jason proposed, then he, Melissa, and his son Ty jumped in that pool together (fully clothed – seems like an expensive dry cleaning prospect if you ask me) THEN WATCHED AS JASON BROKE UP WITH MELISSA. Which I know I’ve talked about on this blog before because I MADE this image:

I will never forget that night. One, because Queen Lissa thought I was cool enough to watch with, but TWO, because I remember looking at the screen thinking: “Oh wow. Oh he is actually going to do this. He is going to do this and get away with it. Chris Harrison is going to let him do this and no one is going to arrest him.” 

Well. Looks like Arie did the same thing last night. And you know what? We deserve him. I'm serious - stay with me, here. We elected a man to be president who thinks he is above the rules, and so now we have a Bachelor who thinks he is above the rules. Did you guys see this article? 

http://people.com/tv/bachelor-becca-kufrin-talks-arie-luyendyk-jr/

Becca was very calmly like, "Yeah he kept liking her photos but we were a team so I thought we could work through it together..." Bekah M also posted pictures of messages he has sent her recently. He has been treating women like this for YEARS and is just going to keep doing it. To quote Shang to the novice soldiers in Mulan: "You're a spineless pale pathetic lot AND YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE." 

Am I directing some of my rage at the radical unraveling of our democracy towards Arie? Sure. But the two are related. We have held up men who think they are above the rule of law (for one of those men it's the ACTUAL Constitution, and for the other it's just, you know, the rules of SOCIETY) so honestly this ending makes sense! 

That was not my tirade to announce that I will no longer be watching the show. This blog will never feature that announcement. But it was a tirade to say about this season: DUH. 

Now for the commentary: 

Living Room Peanut Gallery was comprised of: myself, Kelly, Carolyn, Austin, Madison and Matt

First thought: MESNICK THEY’RE BRINGING OUT MESNICK WHY

Hare is trying to defend Arie to us at the beginning of this (very much NOT LIVE on the west coast) show and NO ONE is buying it. Not should they. He even invoked Juan Pablo as he tells us that we are going to see the raw footage of the final scene... 

Meet the Fam in Peru: 
All I care about is the fact that we get to hear the word “Cusco” over and over again tonight.

Lauren walks out on her balcony to journal... in a leather jacket with some champagne.

You know what I have to be, to journal? TOTALLY SOBER.

Lauren goes to meet his family and tells Arie: “I hope that I don’t freak out and act weird.” Arie lamely responds: "Just be yourself." Which means: don't freak out and act weird. Also, what constitutes "freaking out and acting weird" for Lauren? Telling bad Knock Knock Jokes?

I love that the brother leads with the producer-fed question of “what date stands out?” Lauren proceeds to have NO answer for him, and instead basically says: “This has been different for me because I’m like, not cool…” Actually, when I say she "basically" said that, I mean "she intoned it in a basic manner." That is her actual quote.

Kelly walked in the door with a bouquet of roses and I told her “Lauren is meeting his family and is trash. The only highlight so far is that they’re in Cusco, Peru…”

KELLY: (singing) CUUUUUSCOOOOO!!!
GRACE: Exactly.

Arie whines that he has to spend a lot of time reassuring Lauren. 

HEY ARIE:

Is this blonde chick Arie’s sister or sister-in-law? Cause her hair extensions are ROUGH.

SISTER (in law?): Can you talk to her all night long?
ARIE: Um.
KELLY: Those were sex eyes! He doesn’t talk to her all night, he sexes her all night!

Sister in Law says that Lauren IS a cool girl. Whom do we even believe now?

Kelly and I then get into a conversation of who is worse: Lauren B or Lauren B. (From Arie or Ben’s season) I say from Arie’s. Kelly says from Ben’s. And proceeds to speak with SUCH vitriol that I almost have to agree with her. I mean VITRIOL

We talk about how Ben's Lauren was clearly just in it for the fame. Which could definitely make her worse. I'm slowly beginning to see Kelly's side of things.

Now Becca goes to meet Arie's fam.

KELLY: Gosh Arie’s mom is just so SCARY in the FACE! I keep thinking I’m going to get used to it and I don’t.

Interesting that Arie’s dad asks Becca if she gets along with Lauren. This is also interesting because we never get to hear the girls dish on other girls this late in the game. Becca very gently threw Lauren under the bus by mentioning that she doesn't really open up. Ok also v weird that the whole family keeps bringing up Lauren. But then again we are only seeing 7 minutes of a five hour date... Other sidenote: I’m totally here for the baby goat with the flower crown.

ARIE: What did you guys think?
AUSTIN: (walking in the room, having never seen an episode in his life) Who are these people?
GRACE: Strangers from Cusco. 

KELLY: CUUUSCOOOO!!

Ok the fam definitely likes Becca more. I wonder how that will influence his decision.

ARIE: This is probably the biggest decision of my life. Maybe.
GRACE: He’s saying that like there were a lot of other things in the running for that...

Meanwhile back at the live show: Caroline shows up and tells Chris Harrison that she still is pissed off about what Arie did. Shoutout to my friend Megan being on a flight with Caroline yesterday. I told Megan to harass her for answers, but she fortunately did not.

Final Date: Lauren 

WAIT WHEN DID ARIE AND LAUREN MEET IN DALLAS?!?! 

Update: Apparently she came to one of his "races," and met him. She showed him a picture of it on the first night but it was cut from the episode. 

I still hate her, but she definitely seems more comfortable than she has this entire season. Which means it's taken her the ENTIRE season to be as comfortable with him as Becca was on their first date. They go to Machu Picchu and I'm honestly surprised that Arie didn’t tell Lauren that this was a “vintage town.' 

AUSTIN: Is he biting his lip right now?
KELLY: YES HE BITES HIS LIP ALL THE TIME LIKE HE’S SOME NEWBIE AT THE DRAMA OF HIGH SCHOOL. LIKE, ‘KISS ME JONATHAN, IT’S PROM NIGHT”
ARIE: I could tell you that she has a speckle in her left eye. 

GRACE: Literally no one could possibly care less.

As they sit on the couch that night and blandly explain their feelings to each other… I realize that I do, in fact, hate her more than Ben’s Lauren B. The fact that she apparently has ACTUAL feelings for him (more than Lauren B had for Ben) make me somehow hate her more. She tells him “We see the world in the same way” SERIOUSLY WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! What WAY could she possibly see the world? As like, sunny? She could see that the sun is shining and Arie can too? When you say you "see the world the same way" as someone, it usually means you have similar views about things like immigration and white collar crime... I somehow don't think Lauren has heard of either of those things.

ARIE: When you close your eyes at night, what do you see our life like?
MATT: Oh good one, Arie- closing your eyes at night, imagine that!
KELLY: Matt’s got the jokes!
MATT: Gimme about twenty minutes. I’m just getting warmed up. 

Lauren and Arie say 'I love you' to each other about 923847 times and Lauren tells the camera, “I don’t think Arie would have let me say all those things if he knew he was picking Becca…” Hi, Lauren, quick spoiler alert, over here: HE TOTALLY WOULD.

Back to the live show: ohhhhh Sienne has lost her voice and is throwing SHADE about it.

Bekah M keeps serving up her truth by saying that if Arie is this conflicted then he shouldn’t propose… WELL WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT WENT DOWN WHEN BRAD WOMACK DID IT. 

Final Date: Becca

My biggest question about these final dates is where is the production assistant? Why are these women lighting the candles themselves? Also why didn't Lauren give him a gift of like, all her dried rose petals? Is Becca going to give him one? 

Becca says that she can’t imagine never seeing Arie again or never talking to him again (Update: OH IF ONLY SHE KNEW. If only she knew a) the realness of this possibility and b) let's talk about how never talking to him again IS a possibility for her. You know for whom it ISN'T a possibility? Arie. Cause you know whose DMs he keeps sliding into? Legit everyone's.

Watching Arie and Becca, the Living Room Peanut Gallery had an epiphany that most Bachelors are pretty good about keeping their feelings compartmentalized and kind of veiled. ARIE IS SUCH A SIMPLETON THAT HE CAN’T EVEN DO THAT. He is so transparent that when Becca says “How are you feeling about things?” instead of saying “Just focus on us!” he says “Well yeah I’m def thinking about proposing to another girl." 

Becca presents Arie with a gift (because of course) and it definitely looks like they sent the PA to the Peruvian Michael's for these stickers.. AND OMG THE STORK WHYYYY!! MAYDAY MAYDAY!! It was all ok until that moment. 

Although let us observe that this sticker book has "let's do the damn thing" in it, which is now the THIRD time she has brought us that phrase... Which means that if Arie proposes to her tomorrow and DOESN'T use that phrase, then this was all in vain. (Update: it was all in vain)

FINAL ROSE (CEREMONY)

Ok well Becca is clearly more of a rational journal-er, journaling here with tea, right now.

Also worth noting that neither woman asked Arie if he’d said “I love you” to the other woman, like JoJo did when she had her bathroom meltdown with Ben, on their final date.

What I really love about this proposal set up is the smattering of llamas and that muddy river in the background. 

AUSTIN: Twist! Flash flood! They all die. 

GRACE: Different show. 

OHHHHH Lauren is the first one out of the limo. Girl BYE! 

She gets through her whole spiel about how she's in love with him, he rejects her and has... nothing to say. Legit nothing. Is basically like, "It's not you" and then walks her to the car in SILENCE.

Lauren is wondering how he could possibly not know whom he was going to chose on the morning of but then propose to Becca three hours later, which is, quite possbily, the most logical thing she’s ever said. 

Then we get Becca. Who wore a dress that was designed in the way that Tia's rose ceremony dress SHOULD HAVE been designed.

BECCA: Arie, as soon as I stepped out of the limo, I was in awe of you…
GRACE: Really? You were?
KELLY: Shhh, she’s basic too. Don’t forget. Just not as basic as Lauren, but pretty basic.

IS HE GOING TO SAY “ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING” OR ISN'T HE?! (Update: he isn't)

THIS WAS LITERALLY THE WORST PROPOSAL OF ALL TIME!! HOW COULD HE NOT SAY “REBECCA JILL ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING?!” EVEN *I* KNOW THAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT AND I HAVEN'T BEEN DATING HER FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS!!!

The rose!! THE BROKEN ROSE, YOU GUYS!!

For real tho

Aaaaaand now we get to the break up. 

Couple of things: 

- I truly believe Becca did not see this coming. The final couple meets up every few weeks after the proposal, and this was just another one of those times. They probably told her they were just filming an update about their relationship and BOOM Arie walked in and broke up with her. 

- I think they played the raw footage JUST so they could say they were doing something unprecedented. It went on for way too long. It also FURTHER continued to expose Arie for being a clueless moron wafer, as he broke her heart and had NOTHING TO SAY. NOTHING! He sat there! And then he somehow couldn't find her in the bathroom?! We all SCREAMED when he knocked on the door and said “hey are you ok" ARE YOU *KIDDING* ME?!?! 

BECCA: You shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee.
GRACE: OR WHEN YOU DID YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID ‘REBECCA JILL ARE YOU READY TO DO THE DAMN THING”

She told him to leave. He did. Then he came back. She told him she was embarrassed. And that he should leave.

CAROLYN: Why is he still here?
GRACE: Literally for the affirmation. He wants her to tell him that she doesn't hate him or throw herself in his arms and beg him to take her back. 

I can't believe this. I was JUST getting over the fact that I couldn't believe that they made Arie The Bachelor and NOW THIS. What a schmuck!! 

I also can't stop thinking about how she said: "Well you finally saw me cry." I mean, it makes sense that he wouldn't see her cry when they're in the honeymoon phase, but also why was that a thing he'd brought up?!

CAROLYN: This is staged. She's too calm. 

KELLY: She had to bury her father. This is emotional pennies to her.

So I'd like to reiterate that it was NOT staged (this was also verified on Twitter by several of Arie's friends, who have NO reason to throw him under the bus) but also that no one was twisting Arie's arm to make him film it. You don't think he could've called her up and said "I'm calling it off, act surprised?" He totally could have and chose not to. Probably because he knew this was more dramatic, would get more viewers and would get him more Instagram followers. 

SPINELESS 👏 PALE 👏 PATHETIC 👏 LOT 👏

Final thought: if I were Lauren (and it sounds like she's gonna take him back) I'd want to see a) his proposal and b) the breakup. Because I'd want to confront him about the fact that he told Becca "I choose you today and everyday forever" AND I'd confront him about the cowardly way that he broke up with her. If Lauren takes him back (ESPECIALLY if she's seen this footage) she only has herself to blame. 

They better make Becca the next Bachelorette. Hope we find out tonight. Til then, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...