One of the hardest things that no one talks about when it comes to living 2,000 miles away from your family is that... No one here KNOWS my family!! I obviously talk about them all the time but my friends in Los Angeles have not actually laid eyes on Gran, Big Daddy, or Davey. That doesn't mean they think they're not real, but it means they have no actual context when I say things like "My brother is great. On a good day, I'll even admit that he's the funnier one..."
Today is a good day.
With that said, and without further ado, I present to you... GUEST HOST DAVISON DOUGLAS. He needs no introduction.
What Up Bachelor (ette) Fam!
Long time reader, first time writer. If you’ve made it to this sentence, then you’re clearly a fan of my brilliant sister’s witty and incisive weekly dissection of one person’s quest to hawk FitTea on Instagram; travel the world on ABC’s dime; and (most importantly) find out who’s here for the right reasons. Or you just accidentally stumbled on this blog. Either way, glad to have you!
Grace is unable to blog for this week’s episode, so you’re stuck with her long-suffering brother’s musings on the latest episode of “Becca Chooses Between 6 Guys From the Same Cloning Machine and Delightful Novelty Item Jordan.” Full disclosure—I’m writing and watching while attempting to pack, so some things might be missed/overlooked. Likely the things I’m trying to pack.
The gang heads to Las Vegas, so it must be time for the obligatory onslaught of gambling and love puns. Becca packs at least 3 into her first sentence. This week’s episode could get a little dicey. It might be a real crap shoot. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself).
Colton gets the first one-on-one. The dude was barely in the NFL long enough to get a real jersey (which is admittedly longer than I’ve spent in the NFL), but he’s already dated Aly Raisman AND had a brief fling with Tia. At their reunion in the beauty salon date, it seemed like Tia could have still been harboring some feelings for him. Which is devastating, because my Arkansas princess shouldn’t be pining away for some clown who is trying to get social media famous while thinking he can pull off a T-shirt with a purple sport coat. This isn’t junior year prom, Colton. If you want to be treated like a grownup, dress accordingly. Tia, if you’re reading this, I am gainfully employed, have been repeatedly told by my mom that I’m the most handsomest boy in school, and hope all your dreams come true. Holla atcha boy.
Davey, Tia will NOT be my sister-in-law. We've been over this. Also it was a spa closet in Westlake Village, hardly a "beauty salon," which no one actually says anymore, but that's neither here nor there. Continue.
Jordan and David are stewing in the house as Colton arrives for a real redneck riviera of a date. He and Becca are riding camels, and then there is a hot tub in the “desert,” which is just a patch of grass next to the camels. I don’t know if this is Las Vegas, or just a typical Saturday afternoon field date in Alabama. But Becca is mesmerized by the idea of a desert hot tub. She and Colton make out in the hot tub, talk about how they’re on the same page, then do the same thing at dinner. I got bored so I walked away.
I came back to Colton reading a gigantic flashing billboard saying “Kiss Her.” I immediately heard him saying that in the voice of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, and now I’m hearing everything he says in that voice. Highly recommend assigning Disney voices to the remaining bachelors. Maybe Jordan is Scuttle, and maybe Garrett is Copper from The Fox and the Hound (which is a deeply traumatic kids’ movie, but that’s neither here nor there). But now is your chance to get creative.
Jordan and David get assigned the two-on-one, and the rest of the group rolls to Wayne Newton’s mansion for a songwriting sesh. Wayne rides up on majestic horse for the grandest entrance of the season. Dude is a legend.
Wayne is not impressed with the group’s songwriting chops, but he still informs them that they’ll be playing their songs to a live audience that night. Once he hears the news, Jason actively starts looking for the mansion’s nearest fire escape. Everyone gamely struggles through their songs, and the audience safely concludes that they were not treated to any future #1s. Chris announces that he’s going to “work the crowd” for his finale performance. He seems like a pane of glass, and we’re starting to see cracks that very well could shatter by the end of the episode.
We have our first declaration of love during the group date cocktail party, and it’s from Blake! Unlike Jean Blanc’s ill-fated “I love you I mean I don’t” debacle, Becca is quite receptive to this announcement. Blake gets the group date rose, much to Chris’s chagrin. Chris immediately talks about how he might go home, and that pane of glass starts to splinter a little more.
Jordan has given us some gems leading up to the two-on-one. He’s “full of clean energy,” and “David is not going to control his realness.” Jordan is like a verbal wind-up toy, and neither he nor the audience knows where he’s going to go. I love it.
Becca takes the two guys to The Desert of Fire, and David proceeds to loudly talk about how amazing the silence is in the desert. Becca pulls him aside, and he wastes no time in throwing Jordan all the way under the bus. Jordan is understandably less than pleased and starts berating David, who is smugly reclining on a random bed in the desert. Jordan tells us that “being me is my greatest power,” and every single Avenger probably realizes they have a new hero to invite to the crew. If I get a tattoo, it will be that quote, in block letters, across my chest. I will never wear a shirt again.
Becca looks like an exasperated babysitter dealing with two 5th graders, and David gets left in the desert! Not even a goodbye from Becca, let alone a ride. He’s standing alone by a random desert bed, the sun is setting, and his sworn enemy is riding shotgun with his dream girl in the one mode of transportation. Chicken is not on the menu tonight.
Jordan has not yet been given a rose, and he’s got a dinner date to prove himself worthy of advancing. He is not up to the task. This date is checking almost every box for stereotypical awkward first dates. The elevator really starts tumbling down the shaft when Jordan says he wishes he could bring out his modeling portfolio. He loves him some him. Becca picks up the rose, and
Jordan thinks he has it in the bag. She then sends him packing while holding the rose, and we see Jordan debut his new surprised look. Should be hitting runways for the fall 2018 shows. The remaining guys in the Vegas suite are crestfallen when they hear fireworks and think it means Jordan is coming back. They erupt in high fives when a production assistant comes to pick up Jordan’s bag. With both Jordan and David being given walking papers, there’s only one bachelor left to have to take a moment to say his goodbyes at the rose ceremony.
Jordan thinks he has it in the bag. She then sends him packing while holding the rose, and we see Jordan debut his new surprised look. Should be hitting runways for the fall 2018 shows. The remaining guys in the Vegas suite are crestfallen when they hear fireworks and think it means Jordan is coming back. They erupt in high fives when a production assistant comes to pick up Jordan’s bag. With both Jordan and David being given walking papers, there’s only one bachelor left to have to take a moment to say his goodbyes at the rose ceremony.
At the cocktail party, the pane of glass that is Chris shatters into 700 million pieces. After Becca calls him out for not talking to her on the group date, and then sulking and threatening to leave, he trips over himself trying to backpedal. Chris regroups after a huddle with Colton and Garrett and a few tears, and he goes to interrupt Wills’s conversation. Wills graciously gives him 2 minutes, and Chris is visibly stunned when Wills comes back and wants to talk to Becca again. Chris seems genuinely shocked that all the other guys don’t want to let him monopolize Becca’s time. Chris goes into the rose ceremony alternating between despair and wanting Becca to know everything she’d be missing out on if she had the audacity to cut him.
Colton and Blake are safe with roses, and the remaining roses go to Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo (who might be one of my season favorites despite getting almost zero screen time this whole season!). The final rose goes to Mr. Glass, and we hear Becca sound audibly disappointed to announce th at they will leave Las Vegas to go to....Richmond, Virginia. We're also left with a wonderful post-credits shot of Jordan ironing his jeans. As soon as his lifestyle guide book hits stores, I will be purchasing dozens of copies. I’m certainly going to miss the drama Jordan brought to this season, but I have full confidence that Mr. Glass will waste no time in stepping up to become the house pariah.
Thanks for playing
#blessed
Oh and speaking of Virginia, here's a cool podcast interview with Davey's namesake, by the way: https://soundcloud.com/user-36623013/office-hours-a-deans-life
And I want to let you know that you are totally justified to be scratching your head right now thinking, "Now which one of the Douglas siblings lives in Los Angeles and works in television? It isn't this hilarious one? He works for the state and fights for justice? So what does Grace do?"
Good question, fam. I ask myself that almost everyday.
Big ups to D. Doug, this week (yes, my dad still calls him that) until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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