1) IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA AND ARE NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE, DO SO *RIGHT NOW* so you can vote in the general election! (Or if you live LITERALLY anywhere and are not registered to vote)
2) Right before the episode, news broke that they also have Paul Manafort on witness tampering and I am LIVING.
3) Y'ALL HAVE TO READ AMY KAUFMAN'S BACHELOR NATION. It's such a good read on the show, but also unscripted TV in general. Also maybe the millennial psyche, in general.
Guys. You all know this is my favorite episode. The dates are totally overproduced because they’re still in LA, and there are still PLENTY of crazy contestants so we get plenty of nutty sound bites. We get crying over a picture frame and half-naked dudes at rose ceremonies and I LOVE IT.
We open with Becca biking around Venice and LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW: Biking in Venice is NOT this easy. 11/10 would NOT recommend doing this. I’m not just trying to be like, “Guys, I live in LA, I KNOW.” Truly: biking, walking, BREATHING in Venice Beach is very problematic.
The dudes saunter around the mansion, stand on a balcony and yell Becca’s name for no reason at all and I need the record to show that I’m REALLY enjoying Blake. I really think it might be because he reminds me of Miles Teller, who stole my heart as Willard in the movie reboot of Footloose, may we NEVER forget:
Group Date:
Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln
I’M SO EXCITED THAT JORDAN IS ON THIS DATE YOU GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A HOT MESS AND NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES ANY SENSE.
Great product placement from BLK Tuxedo, whatever that is. Also I love how Becca said she wanted this to be about pampering and there are… tuxes. Like, the only thing they have to be luxurious about is… tuxedos. THAT’S SO RELAXING TO PUT ON A TUX!
Jordan wants to give Becca some tips about what to do before she puts her… panty hose on in the morning. I really can’t dignify this with much commentary. Did he think it was too scandalous to say “underwear?” Or did he start to say “panties” then decide THAT was too scandalous and veer towards panty hose? I think I'm giving him too much credit. It was so weird and I love it.
We see Rachel and Bryan and… I don’t miss Bryan. At ALL. This is honestly a great idea for a date (yes I know they did the Dad obstacle course with Ashton and Mila last season, but I’m thinking of how much better it will be than the bride obstacle course that they did with Farmer Chris. ) cause dudes are competitive AF and won’t worry about running an outfit. (I wouldn’t personally worry about “running an outfit” so much as I’d spend the whole time thinking “this cost HOW much?”
OMG as soon as we hear Bryan’s voice I am OVERWHELMED by how much I do NOT miss him!!
"Cold Feet" was the best thing they could come up with? There isn’t even ice in that thing!
Carolyn has drawn our attention to the fact that there is a show in Japan called “Slippery Stairs," where people try to climb up… slippery stairs. No for real, it's a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGPLNQzKGSA Your'e welcome.
I do NOT have time for David saying that “he was drawn to the right cake like he was drawn to Becca. Was he drawn to a chicken suit because he has been "chicken" in love before? GIMME A BREAK.
Lincoln won, and I'm just so glad we are done seeing Bryan aka "Dr Abs" for the rest of the season. (No for real, he calls himself "Dr. Abs")
Interesting note about continuity - Becca's hair was straight on this date (at the end of the night) and in one of her interviews, it is definitely curly. BUT in OTHER interviews that night, it was straight! Which means, the producers looked at the footage, decided they needed another soundbite and sat Becca down in that same outfit for an interview, to get the exact soundbite (I can't even remember what she was saying when she had curly hair in that one shot. Maybe it was something to better set up the picture throwing sequence.) They did this a lot with Corinne on Nick's season, it's just interesting that we only saw ONE soundbite of curly-haired Becca, not even multiple.
I love that the dudes can have a whole conversation about who Lincoln is… when they’ve known him for 24 hours. They're sitting around on the couch saying bro things like "Yeah he just likes to brag man, he's that kind of guy..." Oh really? Do you know that from the years of friendship you've had with him? So many armchair experts. This episode is my favorite.
OMG this argument between Connor and Lincoln is really something else. Connor is already in self-destruct mode and it’s only the first group date!! STAND DOWN, STAND DOWN!!
Ok two things about the frame throwing: the sound of glass shattering was added in post production. And then they clearly sent the PA down to shove it in the pool and get a shot of it. I obviously love all of it, but let's not pretend that Connor had the ability and precision to throw the frame to hit a tree then land in the pool.
....and Jordan is LOVING it.
Because he has absolutely zero brain cells left, he is reveling in this whole thing. You and me both, Jordy.
Lincoln insists that the picture is broken and now his heart is broken, and honestly I hate that, but honestly it's better than David's line about the cake but honestly:
Could’ve done without Jean Blanc’s segue into the kiss, but I’ll allow it cause she was into it. And just as I'm getting comfortable accepting that I'm allowing this, Lincoln comes to Becca about Connor like my kindergarten students used to come to me when they wanted me to get another student in trouble. And instead of giving Lincoln the tools that he needs to solve this himself, Becca goes and fetches Connor.
Connor could have gotten out of this. He could have easily said “I was totally caught up and I regret doing that. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to get to know you." But instead it was just super tense and uncomfortable and I'm surprised she didn't send him home right away.
Ummmmm is anyone else seeing these HORRIBLE commercials from former Bachelorettes for Ocean’s 8??? Also… ASHLEY I, YOU WERE NEVER A BACHELORETTE WHAT IS GOING ON. (I have no idea why people like Becca Tilley and Nick Viall are publicizing their relationship. Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they are gunning for a Bachelor in Paradise wedding, but I truly have no idea. I mean, good for them, maybe true love is real, but like.... what is going on. Also a quick side note about Jared - y'all remember when Kaitlyn and Co were in Ireland and the dudes had to ride a bus to wherever they were going but Jared got to ride with Kaitlyn? AND THEN THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE TOP OF A TOWER AND KISSED A ROCK?! I'm still stressed out by all those germs. To this day. Whew, just needed to get that off my chest)
Oh and NOW Lincoln is weeping about the picture frame. Honestly the ability of these producers to KEEP UP THIS LEVEL OF HYPE ABOUT NOTHING is truly amazing. Also who even is that dude that listened to Lincoln and then turned around and laughed about him with Jordan? Do we need to be concerned about this? Jason. I think it was Jason. He looks like Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You.
Then in a turn of events that we probably all saw coming... Jordan hits us with something for which we were not really prepared: "ingenuinity." In-Genunin-ity. Not "ingenuity," there is definitely a whole 'nother syllable added in there. This guy better make it to the final two then go to Bachelor in Paradise because I LOVE HIM.
One on One Date:
BLAKE
Blake’s teeth are definitely wine stained when he finds out that he gets the date, but who even cares.
OMG SEND ME ON A DATE WITH BLAKE I LOVE HIM. If he is the next Bachelor, I will do the Christmas gift sprint contest that Arnold Schwarzenegger does against Sinbad in Jingle All The Way to get to be the first in line.
(Did that happen? In that movie? With those people? I honestly saw the trailer one time but it clearly left an impression)
Wait Blake's posture in the limo is really defensive! See how he was a) gripping his knees and b) had his arm up, making a barrier between the two of them? HE IS CLOSED OFF.
I wonder if they had some kind of celeb lined up for this but they backed out, because it makes NO sense that Hare is introducing this date.
Oh. Oh I see that Li'l John is waiting inside. Maybe he showed up super late? Honestly the only song I really need from him is “Yeah!” But I’ll take “Turn Down for What” I love that he is like, narrating the whole thing… "Turn down for what?! Smash that dead love, Becca!" Also weird that this date is based on... Arie. Like, hey Blake, come on this date that is all about my ex! Weird.
I have never heard of Warwick, except to tell you that Richard III lived at/helped build Warwick Castle in England, but Carolyn HAS been there (to the LA bar) and says it’s super trendy. Wouldn't know.
The second episode is obviously my favorite for reasons listed above, but there is also so much talk of “I LOVE spending time with you. You have qualities that I’m looking for!” And I do NOT have any interest in those conversations. They are not real. Even the pleasantry "I loved meeting you!" is what you say when you have NOTHING else to say. Blake gets the rose because he is perfect and then Becca not-so-smoothly yanks him up against a wall. But I can't say I wouldn't do the same, soooo...
Group Date:
Garrett, Ricky, John, Bryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton
I can't even remember what the date card said, but it definitely should have said "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"
OMG these kids are HYSTERICAL and I love it. These dudes are getting so sweaty and this is hilarious and awesome. YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH?!? I am howling.
So glad Fred Willard is here. This makes zero sense, but please bring him to narrate EVERYTHING.
Leo is probably “so good at dodgeball” because he is an actor and has plenty of time to practice trampoline dodgeball. (Have y'all ever been to one of these trampoline places? They're super fun.)
Alex is SUPA cute. His teeth are 100% fake but I will 100% allow it.
I think Wills might be the first time that a kiss on the show was described as “sultry," but like Alex's teeth: I'll allow it. (Why am I allowing so much this season? Am I getting soft in my old age?)
I love that the rose is on a platter with… clams and ginger roots. Legit like Ivanka Trump’s Thanksgiving table:
Colton takes Garrett aside and talks to him about how he dated Tia… 1) How could Becca NOT know that they dated? She had to know. 2) Garrett had absolutely ZERO idea who Tia was. Honestly good for him. This entire conversation was staged, at least that wasn't.
Ah, unless the footage they showed of her reaction was not the actual moment where he told her, her face really didn’t move. She’s frustrated, but she obviously very much knew. Interesting that she clearly likes him enough to keep him around. She didn't like that guy Jake from Minnesota, so she sent him home. She didn't like that guy Chase (whose ex-girlfriend texted Chris) so she sent him home. NOT SO WITH COLTON! Either Becca gets over the Tia hang up REAL quick, or it drags out for the next episode before she sends him home.
Sultry Wills gets the group date rose
Rose Ceremony
I think Becca is emotional this morning because she really wanted something to happen with Colton and she is having to deal with the fact that he dated Tia. Something about Colton rings VERY disingenuous to me. Or like he is full of un-in-genuity, or something.
Quick question: why are Garrett’s eyes welling up, like, always? He legit always looks like he's about to cry.
CLAY: Let’s have a victory dance. We do a couple of moves and then my teammates and I…
BOOZER: Kiss? Do you kiss?
Honestly the kiss wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I was bracing for, to be totally real.
Oh I’m glad that Venmo John went in for the kiss!
Wooooow Connor really went for the fresh start. This is so amazing. I am so impressed. He called in an entire PR team to figure this out and he NAILED IT. I'm so glad she didn't send him home so we could witness this comeback tour.
Jordan doesn’t go kyaking on Sundays, he wants you to know.
JORDAN: Tick tock, make it rock!
BOOZER: ...here's my great big...??
CAROLYN: Happy pride!
I love that Jordan STRIPS down and proceeds to say “I am spontaneous, I like to speed. My hair is usually kempt.” Also for a dude that is supposed to be comfortable in his skin… he is tightly wrapping that button down around his waist right now. This honestly reminds me of when Corinne did that whipped cream thing with Nick, that sounded so great in her head but the actual execution was very messy. Gosh, Corinne and Jordy would probably be perfect for each other.
Chicken David semi-confronts him and Jordan says ZERO things that make any sense.
INGENUINITY. He said it again. I love this.
Roses went to:
Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, I’M A WILHEMINA MODEL, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton
HOW DID THEY GET ALEX TO CRY OMG THEY MOST HAVE BROUGHT IN A CRISIS NEGOTIATOR TO PULL TEARS OUT OF HIM. He was so cute. I'll miss him and his fake teeth.
Finally a quick note - and I'm doing this at the end so I won't lose you at the beginning - I just wanna do a quick Life Fact Check, because the man who is in the highest office in this country has been saying some things in some public statements (because YES, sentiments from the social media platform he uses to post is considered a public statement) and they are categorically untrue. Like, VERY, VERY FALSE. Just wanna go over a few things quickly because truth matters:
1) There is not a law that is separating parents from children at the border. it is a policy. It is a policy that has been implemented by the current administration's Department of Homeland Security and Attorney General, so to say that "democrats are why we have laws separating parents from children" is categorically untrue.
I'm not even commenting on the policy itself, just pointing out some lies. Further reading: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2018/jun/06/what-you-need-know-about-trump-administrations-zer/
2) There was not a spy planted in the president's campaign. There was a very run-of-the-mill counterintelligence operation, because there were people in the campaign that raised A BUNCH OF RED FLAGS because of their communications and business dealings with people like... ALL OF RUSSIA. (Four - FOUR! of the former campaign associates have been indicted by the special counsel.) Even very Republican Trey Gowdy and House Speaker Paul Ryan have acknowledged that there was no spy. Further reading:
https://www.vox.com/2018/5/25/17380212/spygate-trump-russia-spy-stefan-halper-fbi-explained
Hooray for Facts!!
Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
Lincoln won, and I'm just so glad we are done seeing Bryan aka "Dr Abs" for the rest of the season. (No for real, he calls himself "Dr. Abs")
Interesting note about continuity - Becca's hair was straight on this date (at the end of the night) and in one of her interviews, it is definitely curly. BUT in OTHER interviews that night, it was straight! Which means, the producers looked at the footage, decided they needed another soundbite and sat Becca down in that same outfit for an interview, to get the exact soundbite (I can't even remember what she was saying when she had curly hair in that one shot. Maybe it was something to better set up the picture throwing sequence.) They did this a lot with Corinne on Nick's season, it's just interesting that we only saw ONE soundbite of curly-haired Becca, not even multiple.
I love that the dudes can have a whole conversation about who Lincoln is… when they’ve known him for 24 hours. They're sitting around on the couch saying bro things like "Yeah he just likes to brag man, he's that kind of guy..." Oh really? Do you know that from the years of friendship you've had with him? So many armchair experts. This episode is my favorite.
OMG this argument between Connor and Lincoln is really something else. Connor is already in self-destruct mode and it’s only the first group date!! STAND DOWN, STAND DOWN!!
Ok two things about the frame throwing: the sound of glass shattering was added in post production. And then they clearly sent the PA down to shove it in the pool and get a shot of it. I obviously love all of it, but let's not pretend that Connor had the ability and precision to throw the frame to hit a tree then land in the pool.
....and Jordan is LOVING it.
Because he has absolutely zero brain cells left, he is reveling in this whole thing. You and me both, Jordy.
Lincoln insists that the picture is broken and now his heart is broken, and honestly I hate that, but honestly it's better than David's line about the cake but honestly:
Could’ve done without Jean Blanc’s segue into the kiss, but I’ll allow it cause she was into it. And just as I'm getting comfortable accepting that I'm allowing this, Lincoln comes to Becca about Connor like my kindergarten students used to come to me when they wanted me to get another student in trouble. And instead of giving Lincoln the tools that he needs to solve this himself, Becca goes and fetches Connor.
Connor could have gotten out of this. He could have easily said “I was totally caught up and I regret doing that. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to get to know you." But instead it was just super tense and uncomfortable and I'm surprised she didn't send him home right away.
Ummmmm is anyone else seeing these HORRIBLE commercials from former Bachelorettes for Ocean’s 8??? Also… ASHLEY I, YOU WERE NEVER A BACHELORETTE WHAT IS GOING ON. (I have no idea why people like Becca Tilley and Nick Viall are publicizing their relationship. Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they are gunning for a Bachelor in Paradise wedding, but I truly have no idea. I mean, good for them, maybe true love is real, but like.... what is going on. Also a quick side note about Jared - y'all remember when Kaitlyn and Co were in Ireland and the dudes had to ride a bus to wherever they were going but Jared got to ride with Kaitlyn? AND THEN THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE TOP OF A TOWER AND KISSED A ROCK?! I'm still stressed out by all those germs. To this day. Whew, just needed to get that off my chest)
Oh and NOW Lincoln is weeping about the picture frame. Honestly the ability of these producers to KEEP UP THIS LEVEL OF HYPE ABOUT NOTHING is truly amazing. Also who even is that dude that listened to Lincoln and then turned around and laughed about him with Jordan? Do we need to be concerned about this? Jason. I think it was Jason. He looks like Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You.
Then in a turn of events that we probably all saw coming... Jordan hits us with something for which we were not really prepared: "ingenuinity." In-Genunin-ity. Not "ingenuity," there is definitely a whole 'nother syllable added in there. This guy better make it to the final two then go to Bachelor in Paradise because I LOVE HIM.
One on One Date:
BLAKE
Blake’s teeth are definitely wine stained when he finds out that he gets the date, but who even cares.
OMG SEND ME ON A DATE WITH BLAKE I LOVE HIM. If he is the next Bachelor, I will do the Christmas gift sprint contest that Arnold Schwarzenegger does against Sinbad in Jingle All The Way to get to be the first in line.
(Did that happen? In that movie? With those people? I honestly saw the trailer one time but it clearly left an impression)
Wait Blake's posture in the limo is really defensive! See how he was a) gripping his knees and b) had his arm up, making a barrier between the two of them? HE IS CLOSED OFF.
I wonder if they had some kind of celeb lined up for this but they backed out, because it makes NO sense that Hare is introducing this date.
Oh. Oh I see that Li'l John is waiting inside. Maybe he showed up super late? Honestly the only song I really need from him is “Yeah!” But I’ll take “Turn Down for What” I love that he is like, narrating the whole thing… "Turn down for what?! Smash that dead love, Becca!" Also weird that this date is based on... Arie. Like, hey Blake, come on this date that is all about my ex! Weird.
I have never heard of Warwick, except to tell you that Richard III lived at/helped build Warwick Castle in England, but Carolyn HAS been there (to the LA bar) and says it’s super trendy. Wouldn't know.
The second episode is obviously my favorite for reasons listed above, but there is also so much talk of “I LOVE spending time with you. You have qualities that I’m looking for!” And I do NOT have any interest in those conversations. They are not real. Even the pleasantry "I loved meeting you!" is what you say when you have NOTHING else to say. Blake gets the rose because he is perfect and then Becca not-so-smoothly yanks him up against a wall. But I can't say I wouldn't do the same, soooo...
Group Date:
Garrett, Ricky, John, Bryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton
I can't even remember what the date card said, but it definitely should have said "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"
OMG these kids are HYSTERICAL and I love it. These dudes are getting so sweaty and this is hilarious and awesome. YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH?!? I am howling.
So glad Fred Willard is here. This makes zero sense, but please bring him to narrate EVERYTHING.
Leo is probably “so good at dodgeball” because he is an actor and has plenty of time to practice trampoline dodgeball. (Have y'all ever been to one of these trampoline places? They're super fun.)
Alex is SUPA cute. His teeth are 100% fake but I will 100% allow it.
I think Wills might be the first time that a kiss on the show was described as “sultry," but like Alex's teeth: I'll allow it. (Why am I allowing so much this season? Am I getting soft in my old age?)
I love that the rose is on a platter with… clams and ginger roots. Legit like Ivanka Trump’s Thanksgiving table:
Colton takes Garrett aside and talks to him about how he dated Tia… 1) How could Becca NOT know that they dated? She had to know. 2) Garrett had absolutely ZERO idea who Tia was. Honestly good for him. This entire conversation was staged, at least that wasn't.
Ah, unless the footage they showed of her reaction was not the actual moment where he told her, her face really didn’t move. She’s frustrated, but she obviously very much knew. Interesting that she clearly likes him enough to keep him around. She didn't like that guy Jake from Minnesota, so she sent him home. She didn't like that guy Chase (whose ex-girlfriend texted Chris) so she sent him home. NOT SO WITH COLTON! Either Becca gets over the Tia hang up REAL quick, or it drags out for the next episode before she sends him home.
Sultry Wills gets the group date rose
Rose Ceremony
I think Becca is emotional this morning because she really wanted something to happen with Colton and she is having to deal with the fact that he dated Tia. Something about Colton rings VERY disingenuous to me. Or like he is full of un-in-genuity, or something.
Quick question: why are Garrett’s eyes welling up, like, always? He legit always looks like he's about to cry.
CLAY: Let’s have a victory dance. We do a couple of moves and then my teammates and I…
BOOZER: Kiss? Do you kiss?
Honestly the kiss wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I was bracing for, to be totally real.
 |
| Coulda been worse. |
Oh I’m glad that Venmo John went in for the kiss!
Wooooow Connor really went for the fresh start. This is so amazing. I am so impressed. He called in an entire PR team to figure this out and he NAILED IT. I'm so glad she didn't send him home so we could witness this comeback tour.
Jordan doesn’t go kyaking on Sundays, he wants you to know.
JORDAN: Tick tock, make it rock!
BOOZER: ...here's my great big...??
CAROLYN: Happy pride!
I love that Jordan STRIPS down and proceeds to say “I am spontaneous, I like to speed. My hair is usually kempt.” Also for a dude that is supposed to be comfortable in his skin… he is tightly wrapping that button down around his waist right now. This honestly reminds me of when Corinne did that whipped cream thing with Nick, that sounded so great in her head but the actual execution was very messy. Gosh, Corinne and Jordy would probably be perfect for each other.
Chicken David semi-confronts him and Jordan says ZERO things that make any sense.
INGENUINITY. He said it again. I love this.
Roses went to:
Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, I’M A WILHEMINA MODEL, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton
HOW DID THEY GET ALEX TO CRY OMG THEY MOST HAVE BROUGHT IN A CRISIS NEGOTIATOR TO PULL TEARS OUT OF HIM. He was so cute. I'll miss him and his fake teeth.
Finally a quick note - and I'm doing this at the end so I won't lose you at the beginning - I just wanna do a quick Life Fact Check, because the man who is in the highest office in this country has been saying some things in some public statements (because YES, sentiments from the social media platform he uses to post is considered a public statement) and they are categorically untrue. Like, VERY, VERY FALSE. Just wanna go over a few things quickly because truth matters:
1) There is not a law that is separating parents from children at the border. it is a policy. It is a policy that has been implemented by the current administration's Department of Homeland Security and Attorney General, so to say that "democrats are why we have laws separating parents from children" is categorically untrue.
I'm not even commenting on the policy itself, just pointing out some lies. Further reading: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2018/jun/06/what-you-need-know-about-trump-administrations-zer/
2) There was not a spy planted in the president's campaign. There was a very run-of-the-mill counterintelligence operation, because there were people in the campaign that raised A BUNCH OF RED FLAGS because of their communications and business dealings with people like... ALL OF RUSSIA. (Four - FOUR! of the former campaign associates have been indicted by the special counsel.) Even very Republican Trey Gowdy and House Speaker Paul Ryan have acknowledged that there was no spy. Further reading:
https://www.vox.com/2018/5/25/17380212/spygate-trump-russia-spy-stefan-halper-fbi-explained
Hooray for Facts!!
Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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