Sponge Bob Jordan Pants

First things first - there are thousands of kids that have been separated from their parents at the border. Whatever you believe about immigration is your thing, but this "zero tolerance" policy was rolled out (much like the Muslim ban) with VERY LITTLE planning or instruction. So there's a lot of chaos and trauma and devastation. Here are two great places you can donate to help support these kids and the teams that are taking care of them: 

https://supportkind.org/

http://www.aijustice.org/donate

Yes there was an executive order today, but that just halts FURTHER separation of parents and children. It gives no direction about how to reunite the 2,000+ children that have been separated from their parents. Which is why it's great and important to support organizations like the above. 

I know you didn't come to this blog to read about politics. And I'm not trying to convince you to vote one way or another right now, but I am no longer willing to pretend like I have the luxury of ignoring the havoc that is being wrought in our country. These are CHILDREN. 

(But obviously hmu if you wanna discuss whom to vote for in November!) 

Ok totally switching gears.... Ashley I and Jared. You guys, I have so many thoughts. First of all, I *did* spend 45 minutes of my life watching their "Story of Us" and if you didn't, I don't recommend that you do, but you definitely should: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87t2QmKwmqI

The whole thing makes zero sense. Esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Kelly pointed out the most striking thing about them - THERE 👏 IS 👏 NO 👏 ARC👏. There is no arc to their story! When did they even definitively decide to be together? They never say! 

Also just some observations about the whole thing: 

1) I needed a wider shot of them to analyze their body language. But from what I could tell, Jared kind of spent most of the time leaning away from Ashley. Oh, did you want pictures? I've got you covered - big ups to LRPG member Coroline Murlock, who sat through me basically live-tweeting the entire thing with screenshots for her on Gchat:

Also... I know I'm not one to talk about makeup... but her highlighter was WAY too much. (As he leaned away from her) 

Look at how his head is tilted away from her! 

It's like he's obeying Melissa McCarthy's demand in Bridesmaids when she screams "LOOK AWAY" 

He also kept his eyes closed for what seemed like suspended moments in time. Every time he went to look at her, his eyes were closed as he moved his face up to meet hers Which could just be a tick, but it could also be indicative that he was very reluctant to face what was in front of him 

Also... they both kind of cried... through the whole thing. 

Seriously

I should also add that I have yet to watch this a) on mute and b) at 1.5 speed. Oh, why would I do that, you ask? For further body language analysis. Got those two tips from a former FBI agent that I was emailing after I read his book on body language. JUST KEEPING SOME CASUAL INTERESTS, OVER HERE. 

Other thoughts: 

- Their Instagram posts are WAY too curated. They don't seem genuine at all. It's totally run-of-the-mill stuff, nothing specific or even that seemingly thought out. 

- Again, no arc! Ashley's whole "Story of Us" thing (yes, I watched some other ones, all in the name of research for you, dear reader) is mapping out the story - when did you meet, when did you fall in love, when did you know... And for Ashley and Jared, everything is still pretty vague when it comes to their emotions. They say "this specific thing happened in January" but they don't really talk about their reactions to it, or subsequent emotions.

- Finally: it seems like after half a lifetime for both of them in the Bachelor Franchise... There's no such thing as just deciding that you wanna be with someone. It has to be this big, long, drawn out will-they-or-won't-they dramatic THING in order for it to be valid or real. Which is how TV works, sure. But it's absolutely not how real life works. And the more you try to make REAL life work like a TV show, the more disappointed you'll be. Trust me - I've been trying to produce Davey Douglas's life for YEARS now and he will not comply... 

My personal theory is that they decided that they wanted more followers and more sponsors and what better way to gain those than be engaged on Bachelor in Paradise? And what better way to build up dramatic tension before the proposal than have people like Nick Viall and Becca Tilley post about their relationship on Instagram? I give them nine months. 

OMG I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I'm not surprised, and I guess the culmination of two of my pet interests - body language analysis and Bachelor Nation - put us on the path for an essay. 

OK OK OK MOVING ONTO THE ACTUAL EPISODE. 

Oh geez I'd already forgotten that David had fallen off the bed and that they were trying to make it look like Jordan was responsible. What a snoozefest. I wonder how torn up his face will be. They are making it seem pretty dramatic. 

Future Mr. Grace Douglas aka Miles Teller Lite pulls the Beckster aside to tell her that he wants to name a kid Charlie. 

You guys know Blake is my fave for life, but seriously EVERYONE wants a kid named Charlie. I'm not impressed by this. I AM impressed by the fact that Blake apparently thinks it's a super casual thing to provide for a family with five kids. Hope you've got a big ole trust fund for that one, buddy!

Jordan is just my favorite creature, ever. “I could have five minutes with Becca tonight and make more of an impression than I have so far.” Becca gives him a pair of golden shorts. Does she knight him Captain Underpants, or does he give himself that moniker?

JOHNNY: Some PA was so embarrassed to buy those.

They really built up David’s return to be DRAMATIC and he looks like he got bitten by two flies. On the face, yes, but like, NBD.


Jordan said that David’s face looked like a time warped Picasso… “Clock is over here and the beach is over there” He is undoubtedly referring to a Salvador Dali painting. Dali did a LOT with clocks and beaches, but the Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that he was probably referring to “The Persistence of Memory”

Good Luck next time though, Jordy! 

Leo does NOT care about the David and Captain Underpants beef and I like him more and more for every second that he cares less and less. Why is the super white attorney in a track suit? We clearly missed a bit. Which sucks for him that it got cut from the show cause it just makes him look like an IDIOT.

Honestly what did Jordan’s comments about the scrambled eggs even mean. I won't dignify that with a question mark. He is totally bonkers and I love him so much. 

Also quick side note: I can’t believe that it’s 2018 and Jason is slicking his hair all the way back. 

Roses went to:
Jason, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean Blanc

OMG HOW could she sent Ryan home!?!? RyGuy, CALL ME ASAP, YOU CAN TEACH ME THE BANJO.

One on One Date: Garrett 

Upon arriving in Park City, Becca tried to flop onto a bed in a hotel suite (in a room that’s a little bigger than the one in the mansion) and it does NOT look comfy. So rustic. May as well be glamping. 

Garrett and Becca proceed to frolic around town like they've never even seen gift shops before.

GRACE: This date is so dumb. This is so stupid.
CAROLYN: No one does this. If a guy did this…
JOHNNY: Carolyn, you and I have literally DONE THIS. We have gone into gift shops and tried on all the things and probably hopped around in nightgowns. 

CAROLYN: Ok that's true. Well I like us a lot more than I like them...

A final word about Garrett and the Instagram incident - again, how you choose to vote politically is your thing. But the posts that Garrett liked were hateful. Sure, I don't agree with the political sentiment in the posts he liked, but what I hold against him is the fact that they were filled with vitriol. Which, about his character, makes me say:

GRACE: Good GRIEF Garrett is good-looking.
JOHNNY: Don’t be fooled. He’s a bigot.
BOOZER: They’re playing Jingle All the Way music right now in the bobsled, where is Sinbad? 

Get on up, it's bobsled time! 

Is this the first time we’ve ever seen a gay couple on this show? Can't help but wonder if Garrett said anything off camera.  

Turns out I wasn't the only one: 

JOHNNY: He was probably into it like, “MORE GIRLS IN THE BOBSLED!”



BECCA: I had such a good day with you.
MADISON: Is she about to cry cause she’s cold or cause she’s emotional? Seems like a toss-up.
JOHNNY: She’s in jeans in the snow. Definitely cause she’s cold.

Wait that’s kind of crazy that Garrett was with a chick for two and a half years but only married to her for two months.

GARRETT: No one in my bloodline had ever been divorced before.
GRACE: You know who uses terms like “bloodline?” White nationalists.
GARRETT: It’s gotta be 50/50, we share the same values and I’m here for you.
NARRATOR: According to Instagram, they did NOT have the same values. 

I honestly have so many questions about his ex. Someone get me a 60 Minutes interview with her. For the record, I'd have that many questions about the ex of ANYONE that dated for two and a half years and was only married for two months, this isn't just because I'm generally suspicious of Garrett. 

He got a rose. Shocker.

It’s definitely taking Becca and Garrett a second to find their synchronized rhythm at this Granger Smith concert but they're so friggen cute that I can't hold it against them.


Waaaaaait Lincoln believes that the Earth is flat. This is amazing. Oh but it could potentially change in the future, according to him. But he would like to discuss this with an astrophysicist over hot chocolate. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! 

And yes, now would be the time to discuss the fact that Lincoln was convicted of indecent assault and battery last month. And the entire casting and production team just SOMEHOW MISSED IT. Couple of things: 

- He was convicted last month, but the actual incident took place in 2016. That DOES mean that he was arrested. So the conviction wouldn't show up in a background report, but the arrest would. I point that out because when I first read about it, I thought "well if the conviction just happened, it wouldn't have shown up in a background check when he was auditioning to be on the show" but he was arrested... THAT would have shown up, people! 

- I don't even know that I have the energy to get into what this means for Lincoln as a human (legally, literally, ethically, spiritually, grammatically... etc) but what I CAN tell you is that... this is REALLY embarrassing for Warner Brothers, ABC, and Next Entertainment. I mean WOOOOW someone straight up did NOT do their job. This stuff isn't hard to find. And Lincoln will now have to register as a sex offender. I wonder if he'll be on the Men Tell All...


Group Date: Lumberjack, USA

Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc

No seriously, it was called: "Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash." The PA was probably so traumatized from buying those gold shorts for Jordy that this was the best he could do.

Ohhh Venmo John is coming in STRONG today.

OMG they have to do a Mulan pole climb. Cue "I'll Make a Man Out of You." According to Colton, John “Lives in the forest and eats bugs.” I mean, does he bring seasoning? Cause I'd let him serve me bugs, at this point... 

Venmo wins the whole thing and gets a golden ax. Woo. Meanwhile Jordan is a spineless, pale, pathetic lot and he hasn't got a clue...


They got to the after party and ohhh Colton is pulling Jordon aside. Also more sloppy editing, because unless I lost consciousness and quickly came to (also possible) we saw that Jordan sat down with Becca... Suddenly he was wearing just the underwear... then he was wearing it around the guys... then he had his pants back on. How did his convo with Becca even end? Also, Colton is really painting himself in a GREAT light, because even if he’s totally here to get to Paradise to date Tia, he is wearing the “HERE TO DEFEND BECCA” cape and I'm sure she LOVES it. 

Also just one more hilarious note about Jordan... he keeps talking about how he's the best looking guy in the house and how he's a model... HE IS NOT A TEN! He is not a ten compared to the other guys in the house and he's not even NEAR a ten in real life!! I love it so much.

Jean Blanc then pulls Becca aside and gives her a fragrance… whose label is in Monotype Corsiva font. And whose bottle looks strangely akin to "Miss Dior" 

Honestly I don't even know why I know what this bottle looks like, but here we are... 

JEAN BLANC: I’m falling in love with you
BECCA: That’s a lot.
JEAN BLANC: I know we’re just at the beginning. I don’t want to jump the gun.
GRACE: You definitely already did.
BECCA: I think you should go.
JB: I know I said I was falling in love with you but I didn’t mean that. I was just saying it.
BECCA: So was it untrue?
JB: No, but can I have my perfume back?
BECCA: No.

Ok so here's the thing about Jean Blanc... He was so produced in this episode. He was putty in the hands of the producers and they pulled ZERO punches with him. They'd probably already gotten in his head about not getting a one on one date and you know it would have been SO easy for a producer to tell him "You know, several other guys have already told Becca that they are falling in love with her. You don't want to be behind, do you? Especially since you didn't get a one on one date this week, you need to keep up the momentum!" And BOY did he fall for that one. He clearly tried to backpedal ASAP, but it was too late. She sent him home, told the guys she felt disrespected, and didn't give out a rose. 

GOOD NIGHT!


One on One: Wills



Interesting thing about Wills going on this date right now is that he has a chance to REALLY swoop in and get Becca’s attention. Remember how JP did such great work with Ashley after Bentley left? Wills has an OPPORTUNITY today. Also I’m pretty sure that this is where Wind River was filmed – hold please while I confirm – yes it WAS where Wind River was filmed. Did you guys see it? It was by far and away the most important movie of 2017. It’s super heavy but SO profound and necessary. It's on Netflix and everyone should watch it.


I love how Wills told Becca “I know what you’re going through, I’ve kind of been there.” And Becca just BUZZED by that opportunity to ask about his past and instead kept talking bout herself.


OH BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WILLS *IS* DOING GREAT WORK, HERE. He didn't need to redeem himself necessarily (See: Conor) but he needed to redeem this DAY for Becca and he is DELIVERING.


Wow Wills has a STORY. That ex-girlfriend tho! Also Becca is FINALLY asking legit questions like “What are you afraid of” and I’m here for it.

A producer asks Wills “is this the best day of your life?” AND HE DOESN’T FALL FOR IT and I love it. He says he hopes it ISN’T the best day of his life cause he hopes that is still coming. Wills is obviously pulling through at a lot better rate than Jean Blanc. He gets the rose.


Roses went to:

Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, Venmo John, Chris, David, Jordan


We then hear what may be the greatest line ever uttered in this franchise: “I'm like a sponge. You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you’ll never know unless you try.” 

I just... I love this so much. I don't even know where to begin. Did he mean to say something ELSE about a sponge and then just get derailed and go into the part about squeezing it? Did he realize that his inflection after "get everything out of me" implied that there was more to the aphorism he was inventing in the moment and so he just took a sharp right turn? He honestly could have said "One time there was a poster in elementary school that said 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams'" and it would have made more sense. I will be so sad when this guy gets the boot. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...