PROFESSIONS OF PROFESSIONALITY

PSA: GUYS FATHER'S DAY IS THIS SUNDAY, GET GOING. 

First of all, just wanna say a huge thank you to everyone that has been so supportive in these past few days. Yes, I DID go to a taping of Lovett or Leave It last Friday, yes I WAS on the Crooked Media Instagram story, and subsequently their Twitter feed and the clipped has been viewed over 40,000 times, someone turned my face into a gif and like… it’s honestly just so much fame. Nearly too much to handle – I was kind of afraid of going outside for a while there, but I’m getting through.

(No but seriously – this happened, and I will NEVER be over it: https://twitter.com/crookedmedia/status/1005494620346712069

Secondly, for whatever reason, I have been saying “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams” NONSTOP since Sunday. I think that phrase is so dumb. Why would THAT make so many elementary school posters instead of something like “It’s ok to ask for help” or “be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle...” THAT PHRASE?! Whatever it makes no sense and I love it.

Thirdly, Boozer walked in the door with Chik-fil-et and now she is my wife: 

Will you accept this milkshake? 

We open the episode with some rain, and I could tell you the exact day that this happened because it’s literally rained once this year… This David/Jordan drama is giving me so much life. Jordan is the perfect candidate for this because he has no personality and ALL the insecurity. David is the perfect candidate because he is… eleven years old.

Is Chris wearing a one piece sweat- oh. It’s two pieces. Bless up. Whew. I don't even care about Chris, but I’m glad that it’s not a single sweatsuit onesie.

Harrison comes in to give them a really stupid and useless speech before he delivers the group date card for:

Group Date

Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton

I love that they bring Arie's girls here to remind us who they are before Bachelor in Paradise. There is NO reason for them to be here and you know who I wouldn’t want anywhere near a dude I was dating? Bekah M with her chest NOT COVERED UP.

For whatever reason, we have to watch Becca awkwardly put on a bathrobe over her bathing suit and her sandals are… not sexy. I KNOW I’M ONE TO TALK, but still. Not cute at ALL. 

I love that Colton and Jason decided to have a conversation about Tia in front of a waterfall that makes it sound like we are listening to dudes peeing. So much pee, so little Tia. 

I either like Jason or hate him, I can’t tell you which. And it seems like Becca feels the same because she 100% does NOT know his name. I'm sure she was honestly so flustered from looking at Colton - not because Colton is particularly dashing, but because she was so preoccupied with the Tia thing that she was NOT paying attention. 

MADISON: I feel like I wouldn’t tell someone if I forgot your name.

GRACE: No she did it literally in front of him.

JOHNNY: Is this guy a banker? I don’t believe his job is anything but a banker. Look at that widow's peak. 

This Tia/Colton thing is SO oversold, but I MUCH prefer it to the headlines of our president meeting with and praising a murderous dictator. Seriously I could watch Tia and Colton parade in front of their nations flags and sign documents for HOURS longer than the former.

This date is so crappy. I'm sure it sounded great when they pitched it, and maybe it was supposed to be outside, but that still wouldn't have made it any better. The producers should have at least had some kind of PLAN, don't just give the dudes glittery nail polish and tell them to go to town. (While they're cramped in this room, no less?) Also I can tell you something right now – none of those dudes could POSSIBLY massage my feet hard enough. And it's not like any of them know how to paint nails!

Wait, did Jordan just say that he’s “out here like a surgeon?” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! PS Jordan hasn't posted anything on Instagram since June 2 so you have to wonder what's going on with that dude. 

Tia and Becca sit down to talk and the timeline of Tia/Colton still makes no sense. Nor does it make any sense that Becca wouldn't have known about it. But I respect the fact that we're really just getting amped up for BIP, here.

Finally we leave the dismal spa room, and I’m not even a little mad that Jean Blanc pulled a slick move to get Becca away from the dudes. I don't understand why he has to pull out his hair massager, to show her that NO HE BROUGHT HIS OWN, but whatever. 

Meanwhile, Wills isn’t great at math, but he understands that if Jordan has 4,000 matches on Tinder then he’s gotta spend… a lot of time on Tinder.

David pulls Becca aside and tells her Jordan is a tool. Becca is savage AF and high fives Jordan about it, before he nearly accosts her by the fire place and says - verbatim - "I know it’s hard with me being like… a model. It’s hard to find someone who matches the intensity and the fun” This was followed up by “You are something I would like to see myself next to." Thing. She's a THING, to him! Time is UP, JordyRoo.

Jordan proceeds to lose even MORE of his chill and whines that: "MY IMAGE IS ME. This is the face of a Wilhelmina model. You know what is attached to my face? Professionality!!" This guy seriously doesn't even know which way is up and I couldn't possibly love it any more.

I should mention that the peanut gallery is divided on what we think about David vs. Jordan. Half of us love the spectacle that is Jordan, but half of us love the relentlessness that is David. 

COLTON: I will work my ass off everyday to prove myself to Becca.

JOHNNY: this sounds like a middle school election speech.

BOOZER: And that is why you should vote for me. Pizza for everyone.
JOHNNY: Gluten-free pizza too, cause I believe in inclusion.

Jordan continues to unravel: 

JORDAN: I’m gonna start being implicit with my strategy…

BOOZER: nice word.

JOHNNY and GRACE: But that literally makes no sense.

But seriously what did he even mean by that? Did he mean that he is going to be more subtle in his attempts to undermine David? Or did he (as we suspect) misuse the word and mean to say that he would be more EXplicit and overt in his strategy? 

Rose went to Colton. 

One on One: Chris

Becca and Chris’s body language is weird in the limo right now. They are NOT sitting close to each other and Chris keeps putting his arms up so she can't get near him. 

RICHARD MARX!!! No one in the living room has heard of him. And I immediately reminded them of “Right Here Waiting” AS WELL AS “At the Beginning” from a classic movie I like to call Ananstasia. 

Aaaaaaand life is a road and I wanna keep going... 

Quick shoutout to the time that SEAL came on that date with Brad Womack and Ashley Spivey - may we NEVER forget that. 

Honestly Chris looks way too much like Ben Stiller for me to focus on anything else.

JOHNNY: How old is this dude?

GRACE: 30? 31?

JOHNNY: if you told me he was 56, I’d believe it.

BECCA: I wanna get to know the real Chris.

JOHNNY: Same.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:

JORDAN: God is gonna 86 him.

CAROLYN: What does that mean?

GRACE: ‘Get rid of.’ Come on, don’t you remember in The Princess Diaries when Mia says “Hey Joe, can we 86 the flags” on the limo?

JOHNNY: Oh now I remember. That’s my favorite line. When they talk about 86ing things.

Chris has been so expertly produced on this date. The producers are pulling out ALL the stops, trying to tell him how he needs to be vulnerable if he wants to stay around, and trying to drag vulnerability out of him by making him write a song. He probably has no idea what kind of psychological ringer they are putting him through right now. 

CHRIS: My dad left our family on New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him since.

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot too. I was engaged one time

JOHNNY: He deserves a rose. He did great.

GRACE: But what if she doesn’t see a future with him? Then it’s just a sympathy rose.

JOHNNY: Oh whatever. It’s only week two.

BOOZER and GRACE: IT’S WEEK THREE!!

Group Date: 

Clay, Garrett, Leo, Chrstion, Banjo Ryan, Vemo John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, Blake

Lincoln trying to do the right over left crossovers (or whatever they are called) is LITERALLY me in Zumba class. Every. Single. Time. 

I love Blake so much. Johnny couldn’t hate him any more. Which makes me realize that any time I bring home a dude, Johnny will HATE him. Well, that and the fact that he couldn't contain any more hatred for all the guys in this franchise I love. See: Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, Dean Unglert... the list goes on... 

I seriously keep forgetting who Mike is. Every single time. I need more of Mike and I need more of Christon. I need WAAAAAY more commentary from Christon. 

They started this date in the early morning and now the sun is clearly going down. This seems to have been the longest day EVER, no wonder the dudes are starting to get sloppy. Clay now thinks he broke his wrist. Did he break it when he fell? Did he break it catching the ball? Oh, sports. Who even knows! 

BLAKE: I feel like Becca is my girlfriend.

MATT: Your girl’s cheating on you, man.

WHY IS BECCA WEARING A BATHROBE TONIGHT. Lack of question mark intended to display angst and indignation. Cary Fetman, YOU LET ME DOWN. 

CLAY: I’m just glad to be here.

JOHNNY: He is a soggy teddy bear. Let's move on. 

Clay gets the rose. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Becca's red dress is giving me Dillard’s Prom, circa 1999.

Welp, she sure does like widow’s peak guy. That's all I have to say about THAT. 

Johnny pointed out that they are massively overestimating how much the audience cares about Clay. Cause I wanna put his whole thing on 1.5 speed. He is speaking SO. SLOWLY. I still really like him, though. I wonder if he'll be in Paradise. 

OH HONESTLY. Now we’re back to the thing where they do the rose ceremony at the beginning of the next episode and I have NO idea why they do that. It is SO annoying and it doesn’t hook ANYONE!! So irritated.


To wrap up, just wanna mention a quick fact here at the bottom, because truth matters:

Facts:

Kim Jong Un has KILLED HIS FAMILY MEMBERS. He has led a regime of starving and impoverished citizens. If you wish to further read about the atrocities he has committed, please do so:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/11/world/asia/north-korea-human-rights.html

Until the next rose ceremony, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...