You Can Find Me on Venmo

One of the hardest things that no one talks about when it comes to  living 2,000 miles away from your family is that... No one here KNOWS my family!! I obviously talk about them all the time but my friends in Los Angeles have not actually laid eyes on Gran, Big Daddy, or Davey. That doesn't mean they think they're not real, but it means they have no actual context when I say things like "My brother is great. On a good day, I'll even admit that he's the funnier one..."

Today is a good day.

With that said, and without further ado, I present to you... GUEST HOST DAVISON DOUGLAS. He needs no introduction.

What Up Bachelor (ette) Fam!

Long time reader, first time writer. If you’ve made it to this sentence, then you’re clearly a fan of my brilliant sister’s witty and incisive weekly dissection of one person’s quest to hawk FitTea on Instagram; travel the world on ABC’s dime; and (most importantly) find out who’s here for the right reasons. Or you just accidentally stumbled on this blog. Either way, glad to have you!

Grace is unable to blog for this week’s episode, so you’re stuck with her long-suffering brother’s musings on the latest episode of “Becca Chooses Between 6 Guys From the Same Cloning Machine and Delightful Novelty Item Jordan.” Full disclosure—I’m writing and watching while attempting to pack, so some things might be missed/overlooked. Likely the things I’m trying to pack. 

The gang heads to Las Vegas, so it must be time for the obligatory onslaught of gambling and love puns. Becca packs at least 3 into her first sentence. This week’s episode could get a little dicey. It might be a real crap shoot. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself). 

Colton gets the first one-on-one. The dude was barely in the NFL long enough to get a real jersey (which is admittedly longer than I’ve spent in the NFL), but he’s already dated Aly Raisman AND had a brief fling with Tia. At their reunion in the beauty salon date, it seemed like Tia could have still been harboring some feelings for him. Which is devastating, because my Arkansas princess shouldn’t be pining away for some clown who is trying to get social media famous while thinking he can pull off a T-shirt with a purple sport coat. This isn’t junior year prom, Colton. If you want to be treated like a grownup, dress accordingly. Tia, if you’re reading this, I am gainfully employed, have been repeatedly told by my mom that I’m the most handsomest boy in school, and hope all your dreams come true. Holla atcha boy. 

Davey, Tia will NOT be my sister-in-law. We've been over this. Also it was a spa closet in Westlake Village, hardly a "beauty salon," which no one actually says anymore, but that's neither here nor there. Continue.

Jordan and David are stewing in the house as Colton arrives for a real redneck riviera of a date. He and Becca are riding camels, and then there is a hot tub in the “desert,” which is just a patch of grass next to the camels. I don’t know if this is Las Vegas, or just a typical Saturday afternoon field date in Alabama. But Becca is mesmerized by the idea of a desert hot tub. She and Colton make out in the hot tub, talk about how they’re on the same page, then do the same thing at dinner. I got bored so I walked away. 

I came back to Colton reading a gigantic flashing billboard saying “Kiss Her.” I immediately heard him saying that in the voice of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, and now I’m hearing everything he says in that voice. Highly recommend assigning Disney voices to the remaining bachelors. Maybe Jordan is Scuttle, and maybe Garrett is Copper from The Fox and the Hound (which is a deeply traumatic kids’ movie, but that’s neither here nor there). But now is your chance to get creative. 

Jordan and David get assigned the two-on-one, and the rest of the group rolls to Wayne Newton’s mansion for a songwriting sesh. Wayne rides up on majestic horse for the grandest entrance of the season. Dude is a legend. 

Wayne is not impressed with the group’s songwriting chops, but he still informs them that they’ll be playing their songs to a live audience that night. Once he hears the news, Jason actively starts looking for the mansion’s nearest fire escape. Everyone gamely struggles through their songs, and the audience safely concludes that they were not treated to any future #1s. Chris announces that he’s going to “work the crowd” for his finale performance. He seems like a pane of glass, and we’re starting to see cracks that very well could shatter by the end of the episode. 

We have our first declaration of love during the group date cocktail party, and it’s from Blake! Unlike Jean Blanc’s ill-fated “I love you I mean I don’t” debacle, Becca is quite receptive to this announcement. Blake gets the group date rose, much to Chris’s chagrin. Chris immediately talks about how he might go home, and that pane of glass starts to splinter a little more.

Jordan has given us some gems leading up to the two-on-one. He’s “full of clean energy,” and “David is not going to control his realness.” Jordan is like a verbal wind-up toy, and neither he nor the audience knows where he’s going to go. I love it. 

Becca takes the two guys to The Desert of Fire, and David proceeds to loudly talk about how amazing the silence is in the desert. Becca pulls him aside, and he wastes no time in throwing Jordan all the way under the bus. Jordan is understandably less than pleased and starts berating David, who is smugly reclining on a random bed in the desert. Jordan tells us that “being me is my greatest power,” and every single Avenger probably realizes they have a new hero to invite to the crew. If I get a tattoo, it will be that quote, in block letters, across my chest. I will never wear a shirt again. 

Becca looks like an exasperated babysitter dealing with two 5th graders, and David gets left in the desert! Not even a goodbye from Becca, let alone a ride. He’s standing alone by a random desert bed, the sun is setting, and his sworn enemy is riding shotgun with his dream girl in the one mode of transportation. Chicken is not on the menu tonight. 

Jordan has not yet been given a rose, and he’s got a dinner date to prove himself worthy of advancing. He is not up to the task. This date is checking almost every box for stereotypical awkward first dates. The elevator really starts tumbling down the shaft when Jordan says he wishes he could bring out his modeling portfolio. He loves him some him. Becca picks up the rose, and
Jordan thinks he has it in the bag. She then sends him packing while holding the rose, and we see Jordan debut his new surprised look. Should be hitting runways for the fall 2018 shows. The remaining guys in the Vegas suite are crestfallen when they hear fireworks and think it means Jordan is coming back. They erupt in high fives when a production assistant comes to pick up Jordan’s bag. With both Jordan and David being given walking papers, there’s only one bachelor left to have to take a moment to say his goodbyes at the rose ceremony. 

At the cocktail party, the pane of glass that is Chris shatters into 700 million pieces. After Becca calls him out for not talking to her on the group date, and then sulking and threatening to leave, he trips over himself trying to backpedal. Chris regroups after a huddle with Colton and Garrett and a few tears, and he goes to interrupt Wills’s conversation. Wills graciously gives him 2 minutes, and Chris is visibly stunned when Wills comes back and wants to talk to Becca again. Chris seems genuinely shocked that all the other guys don’t want to let him monopolize Becca’s time. Chris goes into the rose ceremony alternating between despair and wanting Becca to know everything she’d be missing out on if she had the audacity to cut him. 

Colton and Blake are safe with roses, and the remaining roses go to Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo (who might be one of my season favorites despite getting almost zero screen time this whole season!). The final rose goes to Mr. Glass, and we hear Becca sound audibly disappointed to announce th at they will leave Las Vegas to go to....Richmond, Virginia. We're also left with a wonderful post-credits shot of Jordan ironing his jeans. As soon as his lifestyle guide book hits stores, I will be purchasing dozens of copies. I’m certainly going to miss the drama Jordan brought to this season, but I have full confidence that Mr. Glass will waste no time in stepping up to become the house pariah. 

Thanks for playing

#blessed

Oh and speaking of Virginia, here's a cool podcast interview with Davey's namesake, by the way: https://soundcloud.com/user-36623013/office-hours-a-deans-life

And I want to let you know that you are totally justified to be scratching your head right now thinking, "Now which one of the Douglas siblings lives in Los Angeles and works in television? It isn't this hilarious one? He works for the state and fights for justice? So what does Grace do?"

Good question, fam. I ask myself that almost everyday.

Big ups to D. Doug, this week (yes, my dad still calls him that) until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Sponge Bob Jordan Pants

First things first - there are thousands of kids that have been separated from their parents at the border. Whatever you believe about immigration is your thing, but this "zero tolerance" policy was rolled out (much like the Muslim ban) with VERY LITTLE planning or instruction. So there's a lot of chaos and trauma and devastation. Here are two great places you can donate to help support these kids and the teams that are taking care of them: 

https://supportkind.org/

http://www.aijustice.org/donate

Yes there was an executive order today, but that just halts FURTHER separation of parents and children. It gives no direction about how to reunite the 2,000+ children that have been separated from their parents. Which is why it's great and important to support organizations like the above. 

I know you didn't come to this blog to read about politics. And I'm not trying to convince you to vote one way or another right now, but I am no longer willing to pretend like I have the luxury of ignoring the havoc that is being wrought in our country. These are CHILDREN. 

(But obviously hmu if you wanna discuss whom to vote for in November!) 

Ok totally switching gears.... Ashley I and Jared. You guys, I have so many thoughts. First of all, I *did* spend 45 minutes of my life watching their "Story of Us" and if you didn't, I don't recommend that you do, but you definitely should: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87t2QmKwmqI

The whole thing makes zero sense. Esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Kelly pointed out the most striking thing about them - THERE 👏 IS 👏 NO 👏 ARC👏. There is no arc to their story! When did they even definitively decide to be together? They never say! 

Also just some observations about the whole thing: 

1) I needed a wider shot of them to analyze their body language. But from what I could tell, Jared kind of spent most of the time leaning away from Ashley. Oh, did you want pictures? I've got you covered - big ups to LRPG member Coroline Murlock, who sat through me basically live-tweeting the entire thing with screenshots for her on Gchat:

Also... I know I'm not one to talk about makeup... but her highlighter was WAY too much. (As he leaned away from her) 

Look at how his head is tilted away from her! 

It's like he's obeying Melissa McCarthy's demand in Bridesmaids when she screams "LOOK AWAY" 

He also kept his eyes closed for what seemed like suspended moments in time. Every time he went to look at her, his eyes were closed as he moved his face up to meet hers Which could just be a tick, but it could also be indicative that he was very reluctant to face what was in front of him 

Also... they both kind of cried... through the whole thing. 

Seriously

I should also add that I have yet to watch this a) on mute and b) at 1.5 speed. Oh, why would I do that, you ask? For further body language analysis. Got those two tips from a former FBI agent that I was emailing after I read his book on body language. JUST KEEPING SOME CASUAL INTERESTS, OVER HERE. 

Other thoughts: 

- Their Instagram posts are WAY too curated. They don't seem genuine at all. It's totally run-of-the-mill stuff, nothing specific or even that seemingly thought out. 

- Again, no arc! Ashley's whole "Story of Us" thing (yes, I watched some other ones, all in the name of research for you, dear reader) is mapping out the story - when did you meet, when did you fall in love, when did you know... And for Ashley and Jared, everything is still pretty vague when it comes to their emotions. They say "this specific thing happened in January" but they don't really talk about their reactions to it, or subsequent emotions.

- Finally: it seems like after half a lifetime for both of them in the Bachelor Franchise... There's no such thing as just deciding that you wanna be with someone. It has to be this big, long, drawn out will-they-or-won't-they dramatic THING in order for it to be valid or real. Which is how TV works, sure. But it's absolutely not how real life works. And the more you try to make REAL life work like a TV show, the more disappointed you'll be. Trust me - I've been trying to produce Davey Douglas's life for YEARS now and he will not comply... 

My personal theory is that they decided that they wanted more followers and more sponsors and what better way to gain those than be engaged on Bachelor in Paradise? And what better way to build up dramatic tension before the proposal than have people like Nick Viall and Becca Tilley post about their relationship on Instagram? I give them nine months. 

OMG I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I'm not surprised, and I guess the culmination of two of my pet interests - body language analysis and Bachelor Nation - put us on the path for an essay. 

OK OK OK MOVING ONTO THE ACTUAL EPISODE. 

Oh geez I'd already forgotten that David had fallen off the bed and that they were trying to make it look like Jordan was responsible. What a snoozefest. I wonder how torn up his face will be. They are making it seem pretty dramatic. 

Future Mr. Grace Douglas aka Miles Teller Lite pulls the Beckster aside to tell her that he wants to name a kid Charlie. 

You guys know Blake is my fave for life, but seriously EVERYONE wants a kid named Charlie. I'm not impressed by this. I AM impressed by the fact that Blake apparently thinks it's a super casual thing to provide for a family with five kids. Hope you've got a big ole trust fund for that one, buddy!

Jordan is just my favorite creature, ever. “I could have five minutes with Becca tonight and make more of an impression than I have so far.” Becca gives him a pair of golden shorts. Does she knight him Captain Underpants, or does he give himself that moniker?

JOHNNY: Some PA was so embarrassed to buy those.

They really built up David’s return to be DRAMATIC and he looks like he got bitten by two flies. On the face, yes, but like, NBD.


Jordan said that David’s face looked like a time warped Picasso… “Clock is over here and the beach is over there” He is undoubtedly referring to a Salvador Dali painting. Dali did a LOT with clocks and beaches, but the Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that he was probably referring to “The Persistence of Memory”

Good Luck next time though, Jordy! 

Leo does NOT care about the David and Captain Underpants beef and I like him more and more for every second that he cares less and less. Why is the super white attorney in a track suit? We clearly missed a bit. Which sucks for him that it got cut from the show cause it just makes him look like an IDIOT.

Honestly what did Jordan’s comments about the scrambled eggs even mean. I won't dignify that with a question mark. He is totally bonkers and I love him so much. 

Also quick side note: I can’t believe that it’s 2018 and Jason is slicking his hair all the way back. 

Roses went to:
Jason, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, Jean Blanc

OMG HOW could she sent Ryan home!?!? RyGuy, CALL ME ASAP, YOU CAN TEACH ME THE BANJO.

One on One Date: Garrett 

Upon arriving in Park City, Becca tried to flop onto a bed in a hotel suite (in a room that’s a little bigger than the one in the mansion) and it does NOT look comfy. So rustic. May as well be glamping. 

Garrett and Becca proceed to frolic around town like they've never even seen gift shops before.

GRACE: This date is so dumb. This is so stupid.
CAROLYN: No one does this. If a guy did this…
JOHNNY: Carolyn, you and I have literally DONE THIS. We have gone into gift shops and tried on all the things and probably hopped around in nightgowns. 

CAROLYN: Ok that's true. Well I like us a lot more than I like them...

A final word about Garrett and the Instagram incident - again, how you choose to vote politically is your thing. But the posts that Garrett liked were hateful. Sure, I don't agree with the political sentiment in the posts he liked, but what I hold against him is the fact that they were filled with vitriol. Which, about his character, makes me say:

GRACE: Good GRIEF Garrett is good-looking.
JOHNNY: Don’t be fooled. He’s a bigot.
BOOZER: They’re playing Jingle All the Way music right now in the bobsled, where is Sinbad? 

Get on up, it's bobsled time! 

Is this the first time we’ve ever seen a gay couple on this show? Can't help but wonder if Garrett said anything off camera.  

Turns out I wasn't the only one: 

JOHNNY: He was probably into it like, “MORE GIRLS IN THE BOBSLED!”



BECCA: I had such a good day with you.
MADISON: Is she about to cry cause she’s cold or cause she’s emotional? Seems like a toss-up.
JOHNNY: She’s in jeans in the snow. Definitely cause she’s cold.

Wait that’s kind of crazy that Garrett was with a chick for two and a half years but only married to her for two months.

GARRETT: No one in my bloodline had ever been divorced before.
GRACE: You know who uses terms like “bloodline?” White nationalists.
GARRETT: It’s gotta be 50/50, we share the same values and I’m here for you.
NARRATOR: According to Instagram, they did NOT have the same values. 

I honestly have so many questions about his ex. Someone get me a 60 Minutes interview with her. For the record, I'd have that many questions about the ex of ANYONE that dated for two and a half years and was only married for two months, this isn't just because I'm generally suspicious of Garrett. 

He got a rose. Shocker.

It’s definitely taking Becca and Garrett a second to find their synchronized rhythm at this Granger Smith concert but they're so friggen cute that I can't hold it against them.


Waaaaaait Lincoln believes that the Earth is flat. This is amazing. Oh but it could potentially change in the future, according to him. But he would like to discuss this with an astrophysicist over hot chocolate. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! 

And yes, now would be the time to discuss the fact that Lincoln was convicted of indecent assault and battery last month. And the entire casting and production team just SOMEHOW MISSED IT. Couple of things: 

- He was convicted last month, but the actual incident took place in 2016. That DOES mean that he was arrested. So the conviction wouldn't show up in a background report, but the arrest would. I point that out because when I first read about it, I thought "well if the conviction just happened, it wouldn't have shown up in a background check when he was auditioning to be on the show" but he was arrested... THAT would have shown up, people! 

- I don't even know that I have the energy to get into what this means for Lincoln as a human (legally, literally, ethically, spiritually, grammatically... etc) but what I CAN tell you is that... this is REALLY embarrassing for Warner Brothers, ABC, and Next Entertainment. I mean WOOOOW someone straight up did NOT do their job. This stuff isn't hard to find. And Lincoln will now have to register as a sex offender. I wonder if he'll be on the Men Tell All...


Group Date: Lumberjack, USA

Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc

No seriously, it was called: "Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash." The PA was probably so traumatized from buying those gold shorts for Jordy that this was the best he could do.

Ohhh Venmo John is coming in STRONG today.

OMG they have to do a Mulan pole climb. Cue "I'll Make a Man Out of You." According to Colton, John “Lives in the forest and eats bugs.” I mean, does he bring seasoning? Cause I'd let him serve me bugs, at this point... 

Venmo wins the whole thing and gets a golden ax. Woo. Meanwhile Jordan is a spineless, pale, pathetic lot and he hasn't got a clue...


They got to the after party and ohhh Colton is pulling Jordon aside. Also more sloppy editing, because unless I lost consciousness and quickly came to (also possible) we saw that Jordan sat down with Becca... Suddenly he was wearing just the underwear... then he was wearing it around the guys... then he had his pants back on. How did his convo with Becca even end? Also, Colton is really painting himself in a GREAT light, because even if he’s totally here to get to Paradise to date Tia, he is wearing the “HERE TO DEFEND BECCA” cape and I'm sure she LOVES it. 

Also just one more hilarious note about Jordan... he keeps talking about how he's the best looking guy in the house and how he's a model... HE IS NOT A TEN! He is not a ten compared to the other guys in the house and he's not even NEAR a ten in real life!! I love it so much.

Jean Blanc then pulls Becca aside and gives her a fragrance… whose label is in Monotype Corsiva font. And whose bottle looks strangely akin to "Miss Dior" 

Honestly I don't even know why I know what this bottle looks like, but here we are... 

JEAN BLANC: I’m falling in love with you
BECCA: That’s a lot.
JEAN BLANC: I know we’re just at the beginning. I don’t want to jump the gun.
GRACE: You definitely already did.
BECCA: I think you should go.
JB: I know I said I was falling in love with you but I didn’t mean that. I was just saying it.
BECCA: So was it untrue?
JB: No, but can I have my perfume back?
BECCA: No.

Ok so here's the thing about Jean Blanc... He was so produced in this episode. He was putty in the hands of the producers and they pulled ZERO punches with him. They'd probably already gotten in his head about not getting a one on one date and you know it would have been SO easy for a producer to tell him "You know, several other guys have already told Becca that they are falling in love with her. You don't want to be behind, do you? Especially since you didn't get a one on one date this week, you need to keep up the momentum!" And BOY did he fall for that one. He clearly tried to backpedal ASAP, but it was too late. She sent him home, told the guys she felt disrespected, and didn't give out a rose. 

GOOD NIGHT!


One on One: Wills



Interesting thing about Wills going on this date right now is that he has a chance to REALLY swoop in and get Becca’s attention. Remember how JP did such great work with Ashley after Bentley left? Wills has an OPPORTUNITY today. Also I’m pretty sure that this is where Wind River was filmed – hold please while I confirm – yes it WAS where Wind River was filmed. Did you guys see it? It was by far and away the most important movie of 2017. It’s super heavy but SO profound and necessary. It's on Netflix and everyone should watch it.


I love how Wills told Becca “I know what you’re going through, I’ve kind of been there.” And Becca just BUZZED by that opportunity to ask about his past and instead kept talking bout herself.


OH BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WILLS *IS* DOING GREAT WORK, HERE. He didn't need to redeem himself necessarily (See: Conor) but he needed to redeem this DAY for Becca and he is DELIVERING.


Wow Wills has a STORY. That ex-girlfriend tho! Also Becca is FINALLY asking legit questions like “What are you afraid of” and I’m here for it.

A producer asks Wills “is this the best day of your life?” AND HE DOESN’T FALL FOR IT and I love it. He says he hopes it ISN’T the best day of his life cause he hopes that is still coming. Wills is obviously pulling through at a lot better rate than Jean Blanc. He gets the rose.


Roses went to:

Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, Venmo John, Chris, David, Jordan


We then hear what may be the greatest line ever uttered in this franchise: “I'm like a sponge. You can squeeze me and get everything out of me but you’ll never know unless you try.” 

I just... I love this so much. I don't even know where to begin. Did he mean to say something ELSE about a sponge and then just get derailed and go into the part about squeezing it? Did he realize that his inflection after "get everything out of me" implied that there was more to the aphorism he was inventing in the moment and so he just took a sharp right turn? He honestly could have said "One time there was a poster in elementary school that said 'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams'" and it would have made more sense. I will be so sad when this guy gets the boot. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

PROFESSIONS OF PROFESSIONALITY

PSA: GUYS FATHER'S DAY IS THIS SUNDAY, GET GOING. 

First of all, just wanna say a huge thank you to everyone that has been so supportive in these past few days. Yes, I DID go to a taping of Lovett or Leave It last Friday, yes I WAS on the Crooked Media Instagram story, and subsequently their Twitter feed and the clipped has been viewed over 40,000 times, someone turned my face into a gif and like… it’s honestly just so much fame. Nearly too much to handle – I was kind of afraid of going outside for a while there, but I’m getting through.

(No but seriously – this happened, and I will NEVER be over it: https://twitter.com/crookedmedia/status/1005494620346712069

Secondly, for whatever reason, I have been saying “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams” NONSTOP since Sunday. I think that phrase is so dumb. Why would THAT make so many elementary school posters instead of something like “It’s ok to ask for help” or “be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle...” THAT PHRASE?! Whatever it makes no sense and I love it.

Thirdly, Boozer walked in the door with Chik-fil-et and now she is my wife: 

Will you accept this milkshake? 

We open the episode with some rain, and I could tell you the exact day that this happened because it’s literally rained once this year… This David/Jordan drama is giving me so much life. Jordan is the perfect candidate for this because he has no personality and ALL the insecurity. David is the perfect candidate because he is… eleven years old.

Is Chris wearing a one piece sweat- oh. It’s two pieces. Bless up. Whew. I don't even care about Chris, but I’m glad that it’s not a single sweatsuit onesie.

Harrison comes in to give them a really stupid and useless speech before he delivers the group date card for:

Group Date

Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton

I love that they bring Arie's girls here to remind us who they are before Bachelor in Paradise. There is NO reason for them to be here and you know who I wouldn’t want anywhere near a dude I was dating? Bekah M with her chest NOT COVERED UP.

For whatever reason, we have to watch Becca awkwardly put on a bathrobe over her bathing suit and her sandals are… not sexy. I KNOW I’M ONE TO TALK, but still. Not cute at ALL. 

I love that Colton and Jason decided to have a conversation about Tia in front of a waterfall that makes it sound like we are listening to dudes peeing. So much pee, so little Tia. 

I either like Jason or hate him, I can’t tell you which. And it seems like Becca feels the same because she 100% does NOT know his name. I'm sure she was honestly so flustered from looking at Colton - not because Colton is particularly dashing, but because she was so preoccupied with the Tia thing that she was NOT paying attention. 

MADISON: I feel like I wouldn’t tell someone if I forgot your name.

GRACE: No she did it literally in front of him.

JOHNNY: Is this guy a banker? I don’t believe his job is anything but a banker. Look at that widow's peak. 

This Tia/Colton thing is SO oversold, but I MUCH prefer it to the headlines of our president meeting with and praising a murderous dictator. Seriously I could watch Tia and Colton parade in front of their nations flags and sign documents for HOURS longer than the former.

This date is so crappy. I'm sure it sounded great when they pitched it, and maybe it was supposed to be outside, but that still wouldn't have made it any better. The producers should have at least had some kind of PLAN, don't just give the dudes glittery nail polish and tell them to go to town. (While they're cramped in this room, no less?) Also I can tell you something right now – none of those dudes could POSSIBLY massage my feet hard enough. And it's not like any of them know how to paint nails!

Wait, did Jordan just say that he’s “out here like a surgeon?” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! PS Jordan hasn't posted anything on Instagram since June 2 so you have to wonder what's going on with that dude. 

Tia and Becca sit down to talk and the timeline of Tia/Colton still makes no sense. Nor does it make any sense that Becca wouldn't have known about it. But I respect the fact that we're really just getting amped up for BIP, here.

Finally we leave the dismal spa room, and I’m not even a little mad that Jean Blanc pulled a slick move to get Becca away from the dudes. I don't understand why he has to pull out his hair massager, to show her that NO HE BROUGHT HIS OWN, but whatever. 

Meanwhile, Wills isn’t great at math, but he understands that if Jordan has 4,000 matches on Tinder then he’s gotta spend… a lot of time on Tinder.

David pulls Becca aside and tells her Jordan is a tool. Becca is savage AF and high fives Jordan about it, before he nearly accosts her by the fire place and says - verbatim - "I know it’s hard with me being like… a model. It’s hard to find someone who matches the intensity and the fun” This was followed up by “You are something I would like to see myself next to." Thing. She's a THING, to him! Time is UP, JordyRoo.

Jordan proceeds to lose even MORE of his chill and whines that: "MY IMAGE IS ME. This is the face of a Wilhelmina model. You know what is attached to my face? Professionality!!" This guy seriously doesn't even know which way is up and I couldn't possibly love it any more.

I should mention that the peanut gallery is divided on what we think about David vs. Jordan. Half of us love the spectacle that is Jordan, but half of us love the relentlessness that is David. 

COLTON: I will work my ass off everyday to prove myself to Becca.

JOHNNY: this sounds like a middle school election speech.

BOOZER: And that is why you should vote for me. Pizza for everyone.
JOHNNY: Gluten-free pizza too, cause I believe in inclusion.

Jordan continues to unravel: 

JORDAN: I’m gonna start being implicit with my strategy…

BOOZER: nice word.

JOHNNY and GRACE: But that literally makes no sense.

But seriously what did he even mean by that? Did he mean that he is going to be more subtle in his attempts to undermine David? Or did he (as we suspect) misuse the word and mean to say that he would be more EXplicit and overt in his strategy? 

Rose went to Colton. 

One on One: Chris

Becca and Chris’s body language is weird in the limo right now. They are NOT sitting close to each other and Chris keeps putting his arms up so she can't get near him. 

RICHARD MARX!!! No one in the living room has heard of him. And I immediately reminded them of “Right Here Waiting” AS WELL AS “At the Beginning” from a classic movie I like to call Ananstasia. 

Aaaaaaand life is a road and I wanna keep going... 

Quick shoutout to the time that SEAL came on that date with Brad Womack and Ashley Spivey - may we NEVER forget that. 

Honestly Chris looks way too much like Ben Stiller for me to focus on anything else.

JOHNNY: How old is this dude?

GRACE: 30? 31?

JOHNNY: if you told me he was 56, I’d believe it.

BECCA: I wanna get to know the real Chris.

JOHNNY: Same.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion:

JORDAN: God is gonna 86 him.

CAROLYN: What does that mean?

GRACE: ‘Get rid of.’ Come on, don’t you remember in The Princess Diaries when Mia says “Hey Joe, can we 86 the flags” on the limo?

JOHNNY: Oh now I remember. That’s my favorite line. When they talk about 86ing things.

Chris has been so expertly produced on this date. The producers are pulling out ALL the stops, trying to tell him how he needs to be vulnerable if he wants to stay around, and trying to drag vulnerability out of him by making him write a song. He probably has no idea what kind of psychological ringer they are putting him through right now. 

CHRIS: My dad left our family on New Year’s Day and I haven’t heard from him since.

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot too. I was engaged one time

JOHNNY: He deserves a rose. He did great.

GRACE: But what if she doesn’t see a future with him? Then it’s just a sympathy rose.

JOHNNY: Oh whatever. It’s only week two.

BOOZER and GRACE: IT’S WEEK THREE!!

Group Date: 

Clay, Garrett, Leo, Chrstion, Banjo Ryan, Vemo John, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, Blake

Lincoln trying to do the right over left crossovers (or whatever they are called) is LITERALLY me in Zumba class. Every. Single. Time. 

I love Blake so much. Johnny couldn’t hate him any more. Which makes me realize that any time I bring home a dude, Johnny will HATE him. Well, that and the fact that he couldn't contain any more hatred for all the guys in this franchise I love. See: Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, Dean Unglert... the list goes on... 

I seriously keep forgetting who Mike is. Every single time. I need more of Mike and I need more of Christon. I need WAAAAAY more commentary from Christon. 

They started this date in the early morning and now the sun is clearly going down. This seems to have been the longest day EVER, no wonder the dudes are starting to get sloppy. Clay now thinks he broke his wrist. Did he break it when he fell? Did he break it catching the ball? Oh, sports. Who even knows! 

BLAKE: I feel like Becca is my girlfriend.

MATT: Your girl’s cheating on you, man.

WHY IS BECCA WEARING A BATHROBE TONIGHT. Lack of question mark intended to display angst and indignation. Cary Fetman, YOU LET ME DOWN. 

CLAY: I’m just glad to be here.

JOHNNY: He is a soggy teddy bear. Let's move on. 

Clay gets the rose. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

Becca's red dress is giving me Dillard’s Prom, circa 1999.

Welp, she sure does like widow’s peak guy. That's all I have to say about THAT. 

Johnny pointed out that they are massively overestimating how much the audience cares about Clay. Cause I wanna put his whole thing on 1.5 speed. He is speaking SO. SLOWLY. I still really like him, though. I wonder if he'll be in Paradise. 

OH HONESTLY. Now we’re back to the thing where they do the rose ceremony at the beginning of the next episode and I have NO idea why they do that. It is SO annoying and it doesn’t hook ANYONE!! So irritated.


To wrap up, just wanna mention a quick fact here at the bottom, because truth matters:

Facts:

Kim Jong Un has KILLED HIS FAMILY MEMBERS. He has led a regime of starving and impoverished citizens. If you wish to further read about the atrocities he has committed, please do so:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/11/world/asia/north-korea-human-rights.html

Until the next rose ceremony, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

WAIT ARE YOU A MODEL?

Couple things:
1) IF YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA AND ARE NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE, DO SO *RIGHT NOW* so you can vote in the general election! (Or if you live LITERALLY anywhere and are not registered to vote)
2) Right before the episode, news broke that they also have Paul Manafort on witness tampering and I am LIVING.
3) Y'ALL HAVE TO READ AMY KAUFMAN'S BACHELOR NATION. It's such a good read on the show, but also unscripted TV in general. Also maybe the millennial psyche, in general.

Guys. You all know this is my favorite episode. The dates are totally overproduced because they’re still in LA, and there are still PLENTY of crazy contestants so we get plenty of nutty sound bites. We get crying over a picture frame and half-naked dudes at rose ceremonies and I LOVE IT.


We open with Becca biking around Venice and LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW: Biking in Venice is NOT this easy. 11/10 would NOT recommend doing this. I’m not just trying to be like, “Guys, I live in LA, I KNOW.” Truly: biking, walking, BREATHING in Venice Beach is very problematic.


The dudes saunter around the mansion, stand on a balcony and yell Becca’s name for no reason at all and I need the record to show that I’m REALLY enjoying Blake. I really think it might be because he reminds me of Miles Teller, who stole my heart as Willard in the movie reboot of Footloose, may we NEVER forget:

Group Date: 

Clay, Nick, Chris R, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, Lincoln 

 
I’M SO EXCITED THAT JORDAN IS ON THIS DATE YOU GUYS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A HOT MESS AND NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES ANY SENSE. 

 
Great product placement from BLK Tuxedo, whatever that is. Also I love how Becca said she wanted this to be about pampering and there are… tuxes. Like, the only thing they have to be luxurious about is… tuxedos. THAT’S SO RELAXING TO PUT ON A TUX! 

 
Jordan wants to give Becca some tips about what to do before she puts her… panty hose on in the morning. I really can’t dignify this with much commentary. Did he think it was too scandalous to say “underwear?” Or did he start to say “panties” then decide THAT was too scandalous and veer towards panty hose? I think I'm giving him too much credit. It was so weird and I love it. 

 
We see Rachel and Bryan and… I don’t miss Bryan. At ALL. This is honestly a great idea for a date (yes I know they did the Dad obstacle course with Ashton and Mila last season, but I’m thinking of how much better it will be than the bride obstacle course that they did with Farmer Chris. ) cause dudes are competitive AF and won’t worry about running an outfit. (I wouldn’t personally worry about “running an outfit” so much as I’d spend the whole time thinking “this cost HOW much?”
OMG as soon as we hear Bryan’s voice I am OVERWHELMED by how much I do NOT miss him!!

"Cold Feet" was the best thing they could come up with? There isn’t even ice in that thing! 

 
Carolyn has drawn our attention to the fact that there is a show in Japan called “Slippery Stairs," where people try to climb up… slippery stairs. No for real, it's a thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGPLNQzKGSA Your'e welcome.

I do NOT have time for David saying that “he was drawn to the right cake like he was drawn to Becca. Was he drawn to a chicken suit because he has been "chicken" in love before? GIMME A BREAK.

Lincoln won, and I'm just so glad we are done seeing Bryan aka "Dr Abs" for the rest of the season. (No for real, he calls himself "Dr. Abs")

Interesting note about continuity - Becca's hair was straight on this date (at the end of the night) and in one of her interviews, it is definitely curly. BUT in OTHER interviews that night, it was straight! Which means, the producers looked at the footage, decided they needed another soundbite and sat Becca down in that same outfit for an interview, to get the exact soundbite (I can't even remember what she was saying when she had curly hair in that one shot. Maybe it was something to better set up the picture throwing sequence.) They did this a lot with Corinne on Nick's season, it's just interesting that we only saw ONE soundbite of curly-haired Becca, not even multiple.

I love that the dudes can have a whole conversation about who Lincoln is… when they’ve known him for 24 hours. They're sitting around on the couch saying bro things like "Yeah he just likes to brag man, he's that kind of guy..." Oh really? Do you know that from the years of friendship you've had with him? So many armchair experts. This episode is my favorite.

OMG this argument between Connor and Lincoln is really something else. Connor is already in self-destruct mode and it’s only the first group date!! STAND DOWN, STAND DOWN!!


Ok two things about the frame throwing: the sound of glass shattering was added in post production. And then they clearly sent the PA down to shove it in the pool and get a shot of it. I obviously love all of it, but let's not pretend that Connor had the ability and precision to throw the frame to hit a tree then land in the pool.
....and Jordan is LOVING it.

Because he has absolutely zero brain cells left, he is reveling in this whole thing. You and me both, Jordy.

Lincoln insists that the picture is broken and now his heart is broken, and honestly I hate that, but honestly it's better than David's line about the cake but honestly:

Could’ve done without Jean Blanc’s segue into the kiss, but I’ll allow it cause she was into it. And just as I'm getting comfortable accepting that I'm allowing this, Lincoln comes to Becca about Connor like my kindergarten students used to come to me when they wanted me to get another student in trouble. And instead of giving Lincoln the tools that he needs to solve this himself, Becca goes and fetches Connor.

Connor could have gotten out of this. He could have easily said “I was totally caught up and I regret doing that. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to get to know you." But instead it was just super tense and uncomfortable and I'm surprised she didn't send him home right away.

Ummmmm is anyone else seeing these HORRIBLE commercials from former Bachelorettes for Ocean’s 8??? Also… ASHLEY I, YOU WERE NEVER A BACHELORETTE WHAT IS GOING ON. (I have no idea why people like Becca Tilley and Nick Viall are publicizing their relationship. Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they are gunning for a Bachelor in Paradise wedding, but I truly have no idea. I mean, good for them, maybe true love is real, but like.... what is going on. Also a quick side note about Jared - y'all remember when Kaitlyn and Co were in Ireland and the dudes had to ride a bus to wherever they were going but Jared got to ride with Kaitlyn? AND THEN THEY CLIMBED UP TO THE TOP OF A TOWER AND KISSED A ROCK?! I'm still stressed out by all those germs. To this day. Whew, just needed to get that off my chest)


Oh and NOW Lincoln is weeping about the picture frame. Honestly the ability of these producers to KEEP UP THIS LEVEL OF HYPE ABOUT NOTHING is truly amazing. Also who even is that dude that listened to Lincoln and then turned around and laughed about him with Jordan? Do we need to be concerned about this? Jason. I think it was Jason. He looks like Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You. 

Then in a turn of events that we probably all saw coming... Jordan hits us with something for which we were not really prepared: "ingenuinity." In-Genunin-ity. Not "ingenuity," there is definitely a whole 'nother syllable added in there. This guy better make it to the final two then go to Bachelor in Paradise because I LOVE HIM.

One on One Date:
BLAKE
Blake’s teeth are definitely wine stained when he finds out that he gets the date, but who even cares.

OMG SEND ME ON A DATE WITH BLAKE I LOVE HIM. If he is the next Bachelor, I will do the Christmas gift sprint contest that Arnold Schwarzenegger does against Sinbad in Jingle All The Way to get to be the first in line.

(Did that happen? In that movie? With those people? I honestly saw the trailer one time but it clearly left an impression)

Wait Blake's posture in the limo is really defensive! See how he was a) gripping his knees and b) had his arm up, making a barrier between the two of them? HE IS CLOSED OFF.

I wonder if they had some kind of celeb lined up for this but they backed out, because it makes NO sense that Hare is introducing this date.

Oh. Oh I see that Li'l John is waiting inside. Maybe he showed up super late? Honestly the only song I really need from him is “Yeah!” But I’ll take “Turn Down for What” I love that he is like, narrating the whole thing… "Turn down for what?! Smash that dead love, Becca!" Also weird that this date is based on... Arie. Like, hey Blake, come on this date that is all about my ex! Weird.

I have never heard of Warwick, except to tell you that Richard III lived at/helped build Warwick Castle in England, but Carolyn HAS been there (to the LA bar) and says it’s super trendy. Wouldn't know.

The second episode is obviously my favorite for reasons listed above, but there is also so much talk of “I LOVE spending time with you. You have qualities that I’m looking for!” And I do NOT have any interest in those conversations. They are not real. Even the pleasantry "I loved meeting you!" is what you say when you have NOTHING else to say. Blake gets the rose because he is perfect and then Becca not-so-smoothly yanks him up against a wall. But I can't say I wouldn't do the same, soooo...


Group Date: 
Garrett, Ricky, John, Bryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, Colton

I can't even remember what the date card said, but it definitely should have said "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"

OMG these kids are HYSTERICAL and I love it. These dudes are getting so sweaty and this is hilarious and awesome. YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH?!? I am howling.

So glad Fred Willard is here. This makes zero sense, but please bring him to narrate EVERYTHING.

Leo is probably “so good at dodgeball” because he is an actor and has plenty of time to practice trampoline dodgeball. (Have y'all ever been to one of these trampoline places? They're super fun.)

Alex is SUPA cute. His teeth are 100% fake but I will 100% allow it.

I think Wills might be the first time that a kiss on the show was described as “sultry," but like Alex's teeth: I'll allow it. (Why am I allowing so much this season? Am I getting soft in my old age?)

I love that the rose is on a platter with… clams and ginger roots. Legit like Ivanka Trump’s Thanksgiving table:


Colton takes Garrett aside and talks to him about how he dated Tia… 1) How could Becca NOT know that they dated? She had to know. 2) Garrett had absolutely ZERO idea who Tia was. Honestly good for him. This entire conversation was staged, at least that wasn't.

Ah, unless the footage they showed of her reaction was not the actual moment where he told her, her face really didn’t move. She’s frustrated, but she obviously very much knew. Interesting that she clearly likes him enough to keep him around. She didn't like that guy Jake from Minnesota, so she sent him home. She didn't like that guy Chase (whose ex-girlfriend texted Chris) so she sent him home. NOT SO WITH COLTON! Either Becca gets over the Tia hang up REAL quick, or it drags out for the next episode before she sends him home.

Sultry Wills gets the group date rose

Rose Ceremony

I think Becca is emotional this morning because she really wanted something to happen with Colton and she is having to deal with the fact that he dated Tia. Something about Colton rings VERY disingenuous to me. Or like he is full of un-in-genuity, or something.

Quick question: why are Garrett’s eyes welling up, like, always? He legit always looks like he's about to cry.

CLAY: Let’s have a victory dance. We do a couple of moves and then my teammates and I…
BOOZER: Kiss? Do you kiss?
Honestly the kiss wasn’t NEARLY as bad as I was bracing for, to be totally real.

Coulda been worse. 

Oh I’m glad that Venmo John went in for the kiss!

Wooooow Connor really went for the fresh start. This is so amazing. I am so impressed. He called in an entire PR team to figure this out and he NAILED IT. I'm so glad she didn't send him home so we could witness this comeback tour.

Jordan doesn’t go kyaking on Sundays, he wants you to know.

JORDAN: Tick tock, make it rock!
BOOZER: ...here's my great big...??
CAROLYN: Happy pride!

I love that Jordan STRIPS down and proceeds to say “I am spontaneous, I like to speed. My hair is usually kempt.” Also for a dude that is supposed to be comfortable in his skin… he is tightly wrapping that button down around his waist right now. This honestly reminds me of when Corinne did that whipped cream thing with Nick, that sounded so great in her head but the actual execution was very messy. Gosh, Corinne and Jordy would probably be perfect for each other.

Chicken David semi-confronts him and Jordan says ZERO things that make any sense.
INGENUINITY. He said it again. I love this.

Roses went to:
Chris R, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, I’M A WILHEMINA MODEL, Jordan, Lincoln, Colton

HOW DID THEY GET ALEX TO CRY OMG THEY MOST HAVE BROUGHT IN A CRISIS NEGOTIATOR TO PULL TEARS OUT OF HIM. He was so cute. I'll miss him and his fake teeth.


Finally a quick note - and I'm doing this at the end so I won't lose you at the beginning - I just wanna do a quick Life Fact Check, because the man who is in the highest office in this country has been saying some things in some public statements (because YES, sentiments from the social media platform he uses to post is considered a public statement) and they are categorically untrue. Like, VERY, VERY FALSE. Just wanna go over a few things quickly because truth matters:

1) There is not a law that is separating parents from children at the border. it is a policy. It is a policy that has been implemented by the current administration's Department of Homeland Security and Attorney General, so to say that "democrats are why we have laws separating parents from children" is categorically untrue.
I'm not even commenting on the policy itself, just pointing out some lies. Further reading: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2018/jun/06/what-you-need-know-about-trump-administrations-zer/
2) There was not a spy planted in the president's campaign. There was a very run-of-the-mill counterintelligence operation, because there were people in the campaign that raised A BUNCH OF RED FLAGS because of their communications and business dealings with people like... ALL OF RUSSIA. (Four - FOUR! of the former campaign associates have been indicted by the special counsel.) Even very Republican Trey Gowdy and House Speaker Paul Ryan have acknowledged that there was no spy. Further reading:
https://www.vox.com/2018/5/25/17380212/spygate-trump-russia-spy-stefan-halper-fbi-explained

Hooray for Facts!!

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...