Granny Got Run Over by a CHRIS HARE...

So Granny texted me last night while I was working (“Granny” is our affectionate term for my mother, in my family. For a full explanation on the nickname, see: 

http://pleasestopcryingoverthatrose.blogspot.com/2013/03/riding-off-into-sunset-on-elephant.html) 

and she said, “I know you’re watching Men Tell All, so no hurry to reply, but do you have enough sunscreen?”

Grace: Haha I’m impressed that you knew tonight was MTA, but Kirk and Kristy are in their new house, so cable and network TV aren’t even hooked up yet. And yes, I have sunscreen.

Granny: Oh, dear. But don’t you have to watch for your bloggy blog?

Grace: I do, but I shall watch on the morrow. I CAN assure you that you just became the most attentive mother of a blogger that there ever was…

And upon pulling up ABC.com this morning, I was greeted with THIS image:

Wait for it… WAIT FOR IT…

Nope, I still don’t regret the pop tart and two cookies I had with my bagel this morning…

I will most likely post tomorrow morning, because I refuse (unlike almost ALL of the contestants on this show) to sacrifice good grammar for the timely execution of drama. In the meantime, check out the Granny post, above. It was from the finale. Sean Lowe retweeted it, and we’ve been dating ever since.

That second part was a lie. But the first part was totally true. 

Mommy Dearest...

       I just need to take a quick second to talk about the ONLY date I've ever brought to my hometown.
       It was this guy:

   















Let me be clear: I wouldn't wish a hometown date with my family on the faint of heart. But as Robin Hood says, "A FAINT HEART NEVER WON FAIR LADY."

Danny not only put up with Mimi (he totally won her over, snuggie and all - NOT an easy feat)

He took it in stride when Big Daddy thought it was appropriate to wear denim on denim:

He was even appropriately enthused about his place card at the dinner table:

Needless to say: he's a champ. We had a great time.

MOVING ON:

Here’s what happened: There were four hometown dates. The families were equally eccentric, across the board. Everyone told Dez “I love you” except for Brooks, who, unless ABC is completely misleading us on purpose, is a serious front runner for Dez. And by “front runner,” I mean SHE’S-SAID-SHE-LOVES-HIM. Zak gave her a ... something ring. She sent him home. He threw the ring out the window.

        Ahem, to whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

        In the promo about the brother, Nathan, we hear him say,“I think Dez is worried about me because of last time with Sean…” What, WHEN YOU ACCUSED THE MOST INCREDIBLE MAN ON NATIONAL TELEVISION OF BEING A “PLAYER”?!

        You know those producers were pulling for the brother to make an appearance. Take your player accusations and SIT DOWN, NATHAN.

1) Hometown Date: Zak
Observations:
- The rate at which Zak is making up this ridiculous dream that he had, in order to preface the fact that he and Dez are going to drive the family SnowConeMobile, is giving me that scene from The Proposal, where Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock have to make up the story of his proposal. I’m surprised this dream sequence didn’t include decoupage, actually.

- So glad Zak cleared that fence, when he ran to go fetch the PenguinMobile, just now…

- Based on the level of utter exhaustion that I have reached merely listening to Dez TALK ABOUT how she and Zak love to carpe diem, I cannot imagine how draining it must be to actually spend five seconds with the two of them, while they’re carpe-ing the diem.

- Oh look: we’re doing the same thing with Zak’s family that we did with Lindsay Yenter’s family, where we talk about how it’s NOTHING SHORT OF A MIRACLE that he could made it to hometowns after what the pulled at the premiere…

- Ok listen. Zak’s brother and sister have great voices. And I don’t think I’ve EVER said that about anything I’ve seen on reality TV. BUUUUUUUT no one- no one should be made to sit in front of another person while they’re singing, three feet away from you. It’s just criminal. Make it stoooop.


Questions I Have:
- Why is he drawing right now, while he waits for her to arrive? Whyyy? Didn’t we learn this lesson earlier in the season?!

- Why is his hometown a normal-looking city in Texas? Why aren’t we in that nudist cabin of his, in the middle of nowhere? (Seriously, don’t you remember that excerpt from the premiere: Zak in the buff, on his deck?)

- Why did he pitch this whole snow cone thing to her as a dream? Why didn’t he just say “this is what we’re doing today”? Theory: the producers have totally checked out, leaving Bachelorette Intern Jacob to his own devices. Desperate to come up with a segue for the penguin suit and High Fructose Corn Syrup Van, Jake conjured up THIS bright idea. I hope Joel McHale still does that “Nice Segue” section on The Soup. This should headline that part of the show.

Memorable Quotes:
- May we talk about the mock enthusiasm in Dez’s voice on “it’s a penguinnnnn,” when Zak rolled up in the Puffin outfit? I cannot accept your abs right now, Zachery.

- Dez remarked: “I can see us living this awesome life of goofiness and fun…” and driving a snow cone truck together for the rest of our lives…

- In order to avoid the interrogation of Zak’s sister about whether or not she was really in love with Zak, Dez chose an elusive, “I want the best for Zak so I’m just following my heart…” WHAT AN EVASION.

- “Dez is the woman I’ve been waiting for. I see a future with her.” Maaaaydaaaay.

Oh no. Not the ring. Nooooooo.



2) Hometown Date: Drew
Observations:
- Dez tells Drew that he looks adorable. IT’S BECAUSE HE’S A WOMAN, DEZ.

- I just want the record to show: if I had to take a Bachelor home to Casa Douglas, I would totally make him one of those cheat sheets like Hallie and Annie made for each other in The Parent Trap. CAN I GET AN AMEN, ETHAN SAMUEL?!

Surprise inspection! First up: Navajo!

- Kudos to Drew’s parents, for being so civil. Anyone remember when Melissa’s parents wouldn’t meet Jason? Or Jef’s parents didn’t show up?

- Dez wants to stay at Drew’s house. Grace wants to stay at Zak’s house.

Questions I have:
- He’s Dad’s name is ‘Mal’? Oh wow. The brother’s name is Mal, too.

- What constitutes ‘a hard question’? I just need to know.

- Why the gel, Drew?? Whyyyy?

- My interest was piqued when I saw all the wine bottles on the table (Drew’s story about the dad and the car and the garage, anyone?) but did anyone else notice that his dad was toasting with a wine glass full of water? #classact

Memorable Quotes:
About his sister, Drew told Dez, "She’s got a lot to say." In a matter of words that shouldn't be shocking in how vague it was, she asked, "Do you know, though…?" Drew clarified, "Like, what she’s getting at?" Then in an anti-climax, blurted, "NO."

- “You can usually tell what kind of mood she’s in…” Oh. Funny, that: my brother says the same thing about me.

- “How does she make you feel? I mean I can tell by looking at you, but I want your words.” DREW’S GOTTA SMART MAMA.

- “The next time I see my family, I will be an engaged man…” WHOA, DREW. WHOA.

3) Hometown Date: Chris
Observations:
- May I just say how stoked I would be, if a boyfriend wanted me to a) see a chiropractor b) mentioned that his father was a chiropractor?

- I’m liking the whole sit-on-a-bucket-and-toss-balls to be hit by the batter thing they’ve got going on….

- OHMIGAH TAKE THE BLACK STRIPES OFF, ALREADY.

- Again, I’m finding myself… bored, with these two. Because they’re so… normal. I think Chris just might be my top pick for her.

- Dez is shockingly articulate, as she tells Dez’ mom what she likes about Chris.

- WOW, this Mama seems hard to please.

- Mama is worried about when Chris has to “jump back into reality” and I will say that if there’s anyone to jump back into reality with and experience a relatively smooth ride, my money would be on Dez.

Questions I have:
- May we talk about how there’s one member of Chris’ family who definitely looks like she’s living in 1987? Big hair, lavender eye shadow… I find myself wanting to know more about her.

Memorable Quotes:
- “This will help you in the next few weeks… well, hopefully the next few weeks!” Well thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad!

- “There’s no way that these feelings are being expressed with anyone else. It’s just too real.” Yikes. FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

4) Hometown Date: Brooks

Observations:
- The nametags. This is awesome.

- The men in Brooks’ life are hitting him with some intense questions. Ok, ok, I now understand what “hard questions” are.

- Alright I’ve had enough. these guys’ obsessions with their mothers is JUST too much

- Brooks’ mom definitely said the words “you’re my favorite” to him. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- When Brooks’ mom finally gave her approval, he kind of took a moment, as though this was seriously the ONLY verdict on which he’d been waiting. YOU ARE TWENTY-EIGHT, BROOKS. Spread your wings, Butterfly…

Questions I have:
- Brooks points out the cute little ducks that are on a date, just like he and Dez. Does he KNOW what happens when ducks procreate? Because if so, and he still chose to make that comparison, I’d run in the opposite direction…

- May we talk about how Dez adamantly filled in “THRESHOLD” for Brooks? WEDDINGS ARE DEZ’S LIFE. If you need a wedding term, this girl’s got it.

- Is it just me, or is an overweight Jimmy Kimmel sitting at that dinner table?

Memorable Quotes:

- “I love Brooks…” WHAT?! Isn’t she like, legally obligated to NOT say that? 

- Ma Brooks tells Dez, “We need to go and speak to each other, ok?” Kind of formal. But a helluva lot better than “can I just steal you away for a second?” 

- Chubby Kimmel asks the important question: “CAN SHE HANG WITH YOU?!” I appreciate your intensity, Chubby-Kimmel-Clone. 

- CKC also finishes out the date with a grand gesture to Dez: “Thanks for not being such a huge waste of time!” Good one, Chubby, good one.

Rose Ceremony:

Observations
- This is seriously the strangest brother/sister relationship I’ve ever seen.
- Dez's conversation with Hare is so… candid, yet so… distant. How bizarre. I don’t even know what to make of it…
- I can ONLY hope that Zak threw the ring out the window at an intersection where our boy Jacob could jump out and grab it, and give to his girl Friday, in ten years. (Or, at the rate this episode was going, GIVE IT TO HIS MOTHER)

Questions I have:
- …Has the brother ever had a girlfriend? Can we bring him in as The Bachelor? 

- HOW ABOUT A COCKTAIL PARTY, THIS WEEK?! Seriously, can you imagine if they did a cocktail party on the week of the hometown dates? There’d be so many emotional breakdowns…

Memorable Quotes:
- “You were mad for a little while. You’re mad now.” Even though all signs point to TOTALLY CERTIFIABLE, the brother seems shockingly perceptive right now. 

- “Drew is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.” I gave myself ten seconds to come up with people* who fit the bill of “sweetest person you’ll ever meet in your life.”

...Any of these people look like Drew??

- Dez is practically fighting a yawn as she tells Hare, “yeah Drew told me he loved me…”

- “I could break someone’s heart, potentially…” POTENTIALLY, DEZ?!?! Do you remember this time last season?


Verbal Faux Pas:
Vocabulary Drew had quite a few this week. What a disappointment… 

- “I’m going to throw Dez in the deep end. And see if she can swim with this family…” Didn't anyone ever tell Drew that the only way to use this phrase colloquially is to discuss someone's sanity, in relation to "the deep end"? No? 

- “Imagine somebody who doesn’t have the capability of letting you know how they’re feeling.” May we talk about pronouns, Andrew? 

- “I figured you were dead center… a perfect match for that.” Dead ringer, Dad! Dead RINGER! 

- “All I’m feeling are the breaks and the crinks…” I can’t even dignify this with any semblance of editing… 

- “I was wondering if I could make this step…” Since when do you make steps, Brooks? Is that a Salt Lake thing?



If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…



*If you're not one of the six people pictured above, don't you dare fret. 1) I only had ten seconds. 2) If you're indignantly feeling excluded, I salute you: I'd feel the same. But I'm certainly not "the sweetest person" ANYONE "will ever meet" in their life (or if I am, then there's obviously a problem) 3) If you feel like you belonged with those six, you're not pictured because I have another superlative for you that is far more fitting, I assure you. Just ask me. I dare you. 

Welcome to Madeira, Boooyz

        Here’s what happened: two favorite Bachelor Sean alums, Catherine and MyBestFriendLez showed up to Madeira to advise Dez, in her quest for a fairytale love.. Oh, and that girl Jackie that no one remembers, who got sent home on the two-on-one with Tiara, was there too. There were 3 one-on-ones and a two-on one, and although a rose was given out to Drew on the two-on-one, Zak didn’t have to go home right then. He just had to wait it out until the rose ceremony, to see if he’d get a rose or not. Dez and Brooks went on a date where they were in cumulus clouds, and they made terrible, TERRIBLE cloud references the whole time. I refuse to elevate them to the level of “puns.” Dez and Chris were on a boat. Michael and Dez walked around Madeira. Drew and Zak raced go carts on the two-on-one. Michael went home.

We all aged two hours.

        I apologize for the lack of detail in this post: I really had to half-listen to the episode, because if I fully engaged in the horrible word play, group poetry writing, and “romance,” my blood pressure would soar to dangerous heights. Also, in the spirit of what Granny likes to call “It Takes One to Know One,” it has become very painful for me to witness Dez under a delusion that I have faced in my own life.

She thinks that she is this:



When I thought I was the contents of the above picture, I was actually pretty much this:



We all gotta learn sometime, Dez.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Opening Montage

Observations: 

- Zak is giving me Crazy Eyed Chris, in this preview of the rose ceremony right now…

- This cat with two different colored eyes. The club can't even handle it right now. (And neither can I) 

- MyBestFriendLez reminds us that she got kicked off this week, in Sean's season. My life hasn't been the same since then. 

- Ok Dez is actually crying as she talks to Catherine about the One Who Got Away.
- Obviously Jackie and MyBestFriendLez are ready to take Dez’s sloppy seconds and they’re not upset about it. And neither am I. 

- I love how Dez is one of the biggest prudes we’ve seen on The Bachelorette, but she got graphically grilled by Hare about what kind of kissers the boys are and now she’s getting grilled by the girls about what kind of heat the guys are packing…

Questions I have:

- “Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?” Even though she still has very little personality, Jackie took the words right out of my mouth…
- If Sean wanted a “best friend,” why did he come on The Bachelor? 

Memorable Quotes:

- If I see this clip of Dez saying “Welcome to Madeira, booooyz!” one more time…

- Zak, I hate any use of the word “dream,” but you may be the first contestant in Bachelor HISTORY to ever talk about it sensibly, in mentioning that “it’s like we went to sleep in Barcelona and woke up in this dream land…” I will accept these abs. 

- “This is the fairytale I signed up for…”

I just... I can't. 

One-On-One Date with Brooks Brothers:
Observations:
- Oh Brooks. You and your perpetual sunburn.
- Brooks is clearly hesitant to really keep a firm grip on Dez’s waist, in fear of pushing her off this cliff into the ocean, also given her HORRIBLE CHOICE TO WEAR PLATFORMS.
- Brooks doesn’t have to think about when he’s going to hold Dez’s hand. This means they’re in love. 

Questions I have:

- Are they ever going to stop talking about what conversations they’re GOING to have?

Memorable Quotes:

Brooks: “Where are you taking me?”

Dez: “I’m taking you… on a trip.”
Good one, Dez.

- If I hear one more poorly-planned cloud comment, I will actually suffocate myself with this pillow.

One-On-One Date with Chris:

The date was on a boat. Dez thought it was going to look something like this:

Grace thought it was going to look something like this:

Observations:

- Zak is very confused by the use of “sea” in the date card.

- Chris’s reaction to the guys standing on the roof, waving goodbye, is giving me: embarrassed teenager, cursing their parents for showing up and ruining a first date…

- Apparently Chris wants his kids to only play with each other and never have outside friends.

- Well if Dez picks Chris, he will NEVER be able to take her by surprise. Based on how much he is sweating before choking out something that will probably be akin to “Roses are red/Violets are blue/After lots of thought I’ve decided that I maybe, somewhat a little bit could fall in love with you,” the man just might have a panic attack and pass out if he ever has to pop the question.

Questions I have:

Upon seeing the group poetry writing sesh that Chris and Dez were doing, Carolyn asked: Haven’t we already done the poetry thing?

Grace: He has. And she has. But they haven’t.

- Could someone PLEASE play John Mayer’s cover of “Message in a Bottle” in the background, here?!

Memorable Quotes:

- Chris, about the deserted island “there’s lots of colors and there’s lots of ridges.” (thatswhatshesaid)

- Dez said that her friends describe her as “mysterious.” I really, REALLY don’t want to dignify this remark by commenting on it, but: Dez, if I were given ONE THOUSAND YEARS to list words to describe you, the chances of that word coming out of my mouth are equivalent to the chances that Drew and Michael will come out of the closet on this show.  

One-On-One Date with Michael:

Observations:

- Dez said that Michael has a lot of qualities that she is looking for in a husband. I would like to substitute “husband” here, with this:

- This woman singing in the street is clearly the mother of the Bachelorette Intern Jacob, in a last-ditch effort to have a musical artist on this episode. Dez didn’t even care because she basically thought that this was happening.


(I WOULD like to say: given Dez's penchant for thinking that she is Allie Hamilton, perhaps that one dude who tried to spin her and dip her on the first night wouldn't have gone home so soon if he'd pulled it off without stepping on her dress...) 

- I personally thought their date was a little bit more like this:

Questions I have:

- Based on Dez’s exhilaration at riding downhill in this toboggan: Has she never… gone downhill… in her life, ever?

Memorable Quotes:

- Carolyn went to go skype with her boyfriend and when she came back she said, “What did I miss?” I replied, “They ate tropical fruit. Dez tried on clothes. Mike said ‘Oh yeah I like that. I like that royal blue.’”

Carolyn: Oh good. So I missed nothing. He still likes men.

- At one point, Dez told Michael, “You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known in my life.”

Sigh… I’ve thought about this one for quite some time now. First of all, I have to take issue with the fact that the “sweetest person she’s ever known” was a contestant on The Bachelorette. Not her kindergarten teacher, not one of her mother’s friends from church, but A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELORETTE. I then set about wracking my brain, to determine the sweetest person I’ve ever known.

No contest. It’s this woman:

And here's a spoiler: we didn't meet on The Bachelorette

Two On One Date:

Observations:

- Dez thought the date would go like this:

- It was a lot more like this:

- Even Dez taking her helmet off and attempting to shake out her hair… Such a fail. I NEEDED COMMITMENT ON THAT MANE SHAKE, DEZ.

- Awww look at that: Zak drew something that Dez recognizes!

Memorable Quotes:

Drew: My family is so excited to meet you. They were just as excited as I was. I feel bad for them that I’ve spent more time with you than they have.

Grace: STOP BEING SUCH AN ANN HOG.

- Dez gushed that, “Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”

Attention, America: I would now like to point your consideration to the fact that Dez dated THIS guy:

Superman that Lowe. Yuk yuk yuk. Fried Armadillos.

Perhaps it would have seemed rude, but it would have been much more appropriate for Dez to say, “Aside from Sean, Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”

Rose Ceremony:

- Hare is doing that therapist thing where he makes statements and follows them by silence, leaving it open for Dez to fill in with forced, obligatory words. She ended up saying that she loved how she and Brooks Brothers could be all of these things: “Witty, sarcastic, creative and goofy. And still serious.”
Cloud 9, Baby. If Brooks is a bird, Dez is a bird. 

- And it’s really a toss-up, whether or not this belongs here or in the last section, but she just might have topped herself for most nonsensical thing she’s EVER said when she asserted, “I have to discern my feelings each day about each guy, to figure out where I’m at.”

- In the Limo Ride of Shame, Michael phoned his mother, who, upon hearing of his broken heart, said: “Here we go again.”

Michael: “I don’t know why this keeps happening… Maybe I’m not meant to have a family…”

...I’m sure those two will have a GREAT time at MotherBoy 2014, this fall.

VERBAL FAUX PAS:

- Michael: “Coming right on the heels of the hometown dates...”

Dear Michael,

In case you need a lesson in anatomy, the heels are at the back of the foot. So “coming on the heels of” means it’s after the fact, not before. Please don’t use that phrase in front of a jury.

Love,

Judge Judy

Grace

- Brooks said something on the Cloud 9 date about his head being in the clouds, but he definitely didn't mean it in the usual state of euphoria, which is how the phrase is used. He just meant he is confused.

So am I, Brooks. So am I.

- About Chris’s love poem, Dez remarked, “Chris’s words blew me through the roof.”

…Was she angry? Was she seriously through the roof about it? Perhaps she was taking a break from thinking she was Allie Hamilton and was trying to be Carrie Underwood, cause she meant to say that she was “blown away.”

It’s ok Dez. Sometimes I think I’m Carrie, too.

So how 'bout it, kids? Who's the sweetest person you've ever known? Is Drew going to pull a Frank in a few weeks? Thoughts?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

Here She Is, Barcelona...

        Here’s what happened: Drew went on the first one-on-one. They made out. A lot. He told her that James is a snake. Everyone except for Zak went on a group date. They played soccer. This version of James was revealed to the guys:

But only this version of James was revealed to Dez:

       Dez was utterly petrified of hurting James’ feelings to his face, so she put off sending him home until the very last minute. He, Juan Pablo and Hashtag Kasey went home. Oh, and there was a one-on-one date with Zak. She opted to “accept these abs” and gave him a rose.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

        Several things about the opening montage:
 -  I was putting the finishing touches on my dinner (let’s be real: it was a bowl of pasta. For the ninth night in a row. Ask me if I’m upset about it) and I couldn’t see who was making yuk yuk jokes about Barcelona, so I hollered to my roommate to tell me who it was. She said, “Hang on… I’m waiting to see his face… Oh it’s the priest guy. With the really white teeth.”

You mean the abs guy, Carolyn?

-  I mean, really: where could they POSSIBLY go on this show and hear the contestants say, “Yeah, I just… I don’t think this is a great place to fall in love.” Is it the Black Hills of South Dakota? Where isn’t a “great place to fall in love”?!

- While I sprinkled fresh parm on my oversized shells, I couldn’t help but notice that my burning curiosity about how the evening would unfold was in regards to… Hare’s wardrobe. The man has been pulling out the stops when it comes to looking fresh this season, so I was stoked to see with what Barcelona would present us…

…It was a blazer and sweater.

-  And as I put the finishing touch of Jane’s Crazy Mixed-Up Salt on my delectable shells, I hear one of the guys yell, “Just because you’re here, you don’t get to be the Bachelor!”

        Let me put it this way: I work with children for a living. Upon hearing this, my instinctual reaction was to drop the bowl of shells and run into the living room to break up whatever fight had occurred between two four year olds. Oh, my bad: it was a squabble between grown men.

ONE ON ONE WITH DREW:

OBSERVATIONS:

-        Drew made the choice to immediately kiss Dez at the beginning of the date. Dez liked this. I’m not going to say I “liked” this, and I still think Drew is actually a woman, but I didn’t find myself too upset by it.

-        As we saw from her conversations with the flock of seagulls in the premiere, Dez is obsessed with The Notebook. Whether she wants to just be Rachel McAdams like I do, because it would mean she was actually the most beautiful woman on the planet, or just have Ryan Gosling tell her that “if you’re a bird I’m a bird,” is unknown. Both are completely valid, believe me. But Dez shoving her ice cream into her face just so she could recreate this moment?

…Not ok.

-        Now it’s not like he’d single-handedly just hauled a boat out of the river and swept a rain-soaked Dez off her feet or anything, but I’m not too upset that Drew dragged Dez outside and pressed her up against a wall.

Still think he’s a woman, though. Can’t escape that nagging sensation in the back of my mind.

-        Ohhhh good play, Drew, on waiting until AFTER she gave you the rose, to break the news about James. If you’re gonna throw someone under the hottug in this franchise, that’s the best way to do it…

-        I’m finding his angst about revealing this whole James thing to be endearing. If he looks this torn up about it, clearly he’s not gleefully rubbing his hands together about the kind of havoc he can wreck… Ten points, Drew. You’re still a woman, but you get ten points.
-        At his Man Pow Wow with the guys the next day, I need to remark that Drew’s hair looks INCREDIBLE when it’s not styled. It is seriously unreal how much more I prefer him when his hair isn’t full of gel.

QUESTIONS I HAVE:

-   So this is the first time Drew has ever told anyone about his dad… How long ago did the half-parked car thing happen? I mean, doesn’t it make a bit of a difference if it was ten months ago vs ten years ago?

-    Kasey, Mike and Drew: Did they congregate in Juan Pablo’s backyard for this little pow wow about Jafar James? Seriously where are they right now?

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

-About Drew, Dez gushes, “He’s so romantic and passionate about romance.”

…Not dignifying this nonsense with commentary.

- “I’m reserved in group settings but put me on a one-on-one… with a girl that I’m crazy about…” Well what happens with a girl you’re not crazy about, Drew?

- “Barcelona brings out my emotional, artistic side.”

Can we just talk about this, for a second? I know Dez is the queen of general clichés, but I JUST can’t let her off the hook on this one. What does it mean, exactly, for one’s artistic side to be brought out? As though it is closeted, otherwise? Like, does she doodle on napkins more, when she’s in Barcelona?

GROUP DATE:

OBSERVATIONS:
-Brooks tells us Dez is wearing workout lingerie but that we shouldn’t tell. I elbowed Carolyn at this line, pointed to Brooks and said, “Roommate. He’s going to be our roommate. We can’t tell my Dad.”

-  “Here’s to kicking the soccer  balls today and kicking it with Dez tonight” Ohhh LawyerMan’s got a pun…

-  Whether it was a set-up, to make James the goalie, remains unknown. I can’t help but compare this to that stupid Bentley they gave Dez at the beginning: the pay-off was just never as big as the set-up. Now if during his meltdown with the guys, James had shrieked, “And to top it all off, I got scored on today by little girls! AND NOT THE GOOD KIND OF SCORING!” it would have been worth it. But until then, leave the artistry to the big boys, Intern Jacob…

-  Kasey consulted his Legal Advisor, Michael, before proceeding with the confrontation. #LegalBackUp

-   I cannot begin to dissect the emotions and reactions that are rapidly flickering across James’ face right now. But the biggest one I’m getting is: BEWILDERMENT.

-  People with whom I don’t want to get in an argument: Michael. If anyone has ever spent more than .5 minutes with me, you know this is saying a lot. My own brother is a lawyer and he stopped picking fights with me long ago, because he knows he can’t win.

-  James is confused. “Cause this is tough. It’s tough, Dez.” (And Dez isn’t responding to his tears.) I’d love to see a relationship therapist analyze James’ tactics right now. If I had DVR, I’d go back and watch this whole exchange, for the sake of breaking down how many zillions of tactics James goes through, in attempt to cover his tracks, here.

-  Michael does make a strong point that James made no effort to talk proactively about his feelings for Dez. Even though I’m completely convinced that Michael is into men, I can’t help but be attracted to this concrete logic. (Maybe it’s just that it’s so lacking on this show, that I find it striking)

QUESTIONS I HAVE:
-How much help did Intern Jacob give Dez, on that poem for Chris? I just need to know…  

MEMORABLE QUOTES:

Emotions were running high, people. Therefore any and all verbal faux pas worth mentioning are in the last section. There were many on this particular group date.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH ZAK:

OBSERVATIONS:
- Jacob was clearly too jet lagged (or hungover from the night before? We all know Hare can drink anyone under the table…) to come up with anything even remotely clever, other than for Zak to approach Dez at her sketchbook. Seriously what could she have possibly been drawing? Sean’s Giant Snow Bus?

-  Zak quickly realizes that Dez is NOT joking about “being artists” all afternoon, as she takes him into an art studio.

-  His drawing of Dez is amazing. I would seriously propose in that moment, solely for the sake of building a family and home with Zak, where we could frame that picture and keep it forever.

QUESTIONS I HAVE:
-  Anyone remember the last time Dez was in an art gallery? Ugh. I miss Sean's Giant Snow Bus FAR too much right now. And his Dad's fried armadillos. Yuk yuk yuk. 

MEMORABLE QUOTES:
- I love that Dez thinks it’s ok to say “Zak is creative and I can’t wait to do this with him today…” when it’s SKETCHING. It’s not crafting. You can’t get away with “being creative,” when it comes to sketching, you just have to be GOOD at it.

- Zak tells Dez, “At this point in my life, you kind of mean everything to me.”

Two words: Kind of?!

ROSE CEREMONY
-  James thinks he’s back in the game when he steps outside to talk to Dez. In the past twelve hours he spent avoiding the guys, he was clearly looking at his reflection in the mirror, slapping himself saying, “COME ON, GOALIE. If you believe your story, she’ll believe your story.” I’m sad to say that… he was kind of right.  He’d apparently slapped his own face enough times to feel ok about saying, “The conversation with Mikey was about scenarios. Like, what if you were the Bachelor? What if you were the Bachelor? What if you were Dez’s husband? What if you were Dez’s husband?” Even though I would have been sweating WAY more profusely than Dez was in this instance, I would have stood up and said, “You didn’t say that. You and Mikey absolutely didn’t talk about being my husband. Bye.” Yet, inexplicably, Dez is TERRIBLE at having any kind of discernment.

-  HOLY TOLEDO, the sweat on James’ shirt right now is amazing. Clearly Intern Jacob held a hair dryer on “cool,” up to it for forty-five minutes before James strutted back into the suite to face the guys, because all traces of DRENCHED SHIRT were gone.

-  In a moment of shocking clarity, Drew says to James, “You wouldn’t say to a girl that you were dating: ‘Hey I can’t wait to meet the people that I date after we break up!” I’m slightly hesitant to say so, but I think Drew might have just nailed the crux of the issue, here.

-  I love how Drew thinks there are “so many questions that the guys will need to have answered tonight, based on her decision” when really, if she keeps James, the only question will be: WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR YOU TO BUY INTO CRAP, DEZ?!

- Why is this girl always in hose? I’m not mad about them but seriously why? We saw her legs when she *attempted* to rollerblade down the pier at Santa Monica, clearly they’re not covered in moles, so why the hose?

-  Ah the fine antique shelf of photos. Maybe THAT will help her make a decision

- Hare, the Perpetual Teacher, tells the guys, “I know you guys have just done the math” about the roses. He puts so much faith in these men.

- Ok so James will depart, soley based on the fact that three guys have to go home. That was easy.

VERBAL FAUX PAS OF THE EVENING:

I think there was a record high this week.

-        I don’t even know what she was referencing, but something in Barcelona made Dez say, “Makes me feel officially in Spain.”

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I DON’T think she was aiming for a Lucille Bluth delivery of “The apple does not far from the tree fall,” here.

- “I am being overcome by emotions right now” PARTY FOUL, VOCABULARY DREW. Even though he was overwhelmed with emotions, he neglected to remember that “overcome” is in fact an active verb, not a passive one.

- “I feel like I could give you any activity and you could do it so good…” Does Chris’ athleticism hurt so good too, Dez? Does it?

-  Dez apologizes to Chris for her poetry because she had to “do it on the airport.”

- Hashtag Kasey had QUITE a few faux pas last night. But then again, the man speaks in hashtags. Maybe I should cut him some slack.


....Nah.

- He told us that, “the contents of the conversation was…”
...I didn’t know “contents” was singular.

- He said that James was busy trying to calculate “how he can counter-accusate…”
Let’s stick to making up hashtags, Kasey. Not words.

- “We left and James and her were in the living room.” Dear Kasey, let’s talk about pronouns…

- Priestly Zak informed us that, “I’m in a cave and it’s just Dez and I.”
WAS JUST I IN THAT CAVE, ZAK?!

- Dez whines that, “James is so sincere in everything he says… I empathize with him.”
Oh good grief. Have you been there, Dez? Because to empathize means that you’ve been there. (Don’t get me wrong: it’s cool if she has been there, it just changes everything we thought we knew about her…)

- “He puts up this façade, this show…” Ah, Drew. I got you, brah. I’ve been there. I CAN EMPATHIZE with you. Either you meant to say “he puts up a wall and shuts people out” or “he puts ON a show so Dez can’t see who he is…”

IF YOU’RE A BIRD I’M A BIRD.