Welcome to Madeira, Boooyz

        Here’s what happened: two favorite Bachelor Sean alums, Catherine and MyBestFriendLez showed up to Madeira to advise Dez, in her quest for a fairytale love.. Oh, and that girl Jackie that no one remembers, who got sent home on the two-on-one with Tiara, was there too. There were 3 one-on-ones and a two-on one, and although a rose was given out to Drew on the two-on-one, Zak didn’t have to go home right then. He just had to wait it out until the rose ceremony, to see if he’d get a rose or not. Dez and Brooks went on a date where they were in cumulus clouds, and they made terrible, TERRIBLE cloud references the whole time. I refuse to elevate them to the level of “puns.” Dez and Chris were on a boat. Michael and Dez walked around Madeira. Drew and Zak raced go carts on the two-on-one. Michael went home.

We all aged two hours.

        I apologize for the lack of detail in this post: I really had to half-listen to the episode, because if I fully engaged in the horrible word play, group poetry writing, and “romance,” my blood pressure would soar to dangerous heights. Also, in the spirit of what Granny likes to call “It Takes One to Know One,” it has become very painful for me to witness Dez under a delusion that I have faced in my own life.

She thinks that she is this:



When I thought I was the contents of the above picture, I was actually pretty much this:



We all gotta learn sometime, Dez.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Opening Montage

Observations: 

- Zak is giving me Crazy Eyed Chris, in this preview of the rose ceremony right now…

- This cat with two different colored eyes. The club can't even handle it right now. (And neither can I) 

- MyBestFriendLez reminds us that she got kicked off this week, in Sean's season. My life hasn't been the same since then. 

- Ok Dez is actually crying as she talks to Catherine about the One Who Got Away.
- Obviously Jackie and MyBestFriendLez are ready to take Dez’s sloppy seconds and they’re not upset about it. And neither am I. 

- I love how Dez is one of the biggest prudes we’ve seen on The Bachelorette, but she got graphically grilled by Hare about what kind of kissers the boys are and now she’s getting grilled by the girls about what kind of heat the guys are packing…

Questions I have:

- “Why is Brooks wearing a tank top?” Even though she still has very little personality, Jackie took the words right out of my mouth…
- If Sean wanted a “best friend,” why did he come on The Bachelor? 

Memorable Quotes:

- If I see this clip of Dez saying “Welcome to Madeira, booooyz!” one more time…

- Zak, I hate any use of the word “dream,” but you may be the first contestant in Bachelor HISTORY to ever talk about it sensibly, in mentioning that “it’s like we went to sleep in Barcelona and woke up in this dream land…” I will accept these abs. 

- “This is the fairytale I signed up for…”

I just... I can't. 

One-On-One Date with Brooks Brothers:
Observations:
- Oh Brooks. You and your perpetual sunburn.
- Brooks is clearly hesitant to really keep a firm grip on Dez’s waist, in fear of pushing her off this cliff into the ocean, also given her HORRIBLE CHOICE TO WEAR PLATFORMS.
- Brooks doesn’t have to think about when he’s going to hold Dez’s hand. This means they’re in love. 

Questions I have:

- Are they ever going to stop talking about what conversations they’re GOING to have?

Memorable Quotes:

Brooks: “Where are you taking me?”

Dez: “I’m taking you… on a trip.”
Good one, Dez.

- If I hear one more poorly-planned cloud comment, I will actually suffocate myself with this pillow.

One-On-One Date with Chris:

The date was on a boat. Dez thought it was going to look something like this:

Grace thought it was going to look something like this:

Observations:

- Zak is very confused by the use of “sea” in the date card.

- Chris’s reaction to the guys standing on the roof, waving goodbye, is giving me: embarrassed teenager, cursing their parents for showing up and ruining a first date…

- Apparently Chris wants his kids to only play with each other and never have outside friends.

- Well if Dez picks Chris, he will NEVER be able to take her by surprise. Based on how much he is sweating before choking out something that will probably be akin to “Roses are red/Violets are blue/After lots of thought I’ve decided that I maybe, somewhat a little bit could fall in love with you,” the man just might have a panic attack and pass out if he ever has to pop the question.

Questions I have:

Upon seeing the group poetry writing sesh that Chris and Dez were doing, Carolyn asked: Haven’t we already done the poetry thing?

Grace: He has. And she has. But they haven’t.

- Could someone PLEASE play John Mayer’s cover of “Message in a Bottle” in the background, here?!

Memorable Quotes:

- Chris, about the deserted island “there’s lots of colors and there’s lots of ridges.” (thatswhatshesaid)

- Dez said that her friends describe her as “mysterious.” I really, REALLY don’t want to dignify this remark by commenting on it, but: Dez, if I were given ONE THOUSAND YEARS to list words to describe you, the chances of that word coming out of my mouth are equivalent to the chances that Drew and Michael will come out of the closet on this show.  

One-On-One Date with Michael:

Observations:

- Dez said that Michael has a lot of qualities that she is looking for in a husband. I would like to substitute “husband” here, with this:

- This woman singing in the street is clearly the mother of the Bachelorette Intern Jacob, in a last-ditch effort to have a musical artist on this episode. Dez didn’t even care because she basically thought that this was happening.


(I WOULD like to say: given Dez's penchant for thinking that she is Allie Hamilton, perhaps that one dude who tried to spin her and dip her on the first night wouldn't have gone home so soon if he'd pulled it off without stepping on her dress...) 

- I personally thought their date was a little bit more like this:

Questions I have:

- Based on Dez’s exhilaration at riding downhill in this toboggan: Has she never… gone downhill… in her life, ever?

Memorable Quotes:

- Carolyn went to go skype with her boyfriend and when she came back she said, “What did I miss?” I replied, “They ate tropical fruit. Dez tried on clothes. Mike said ‘Oh yeah I like that. I like that royal blue.’”

Carolyn: Oh good. So I missed nothing. He still likes men.

- At one point, Dez told Michael, “You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known in my life.”

Sigh… I’ve thought about this one for quite some time now. First of all, I have to take issue with the fact that the “sweetest person she’s ever known” was a contestant on The Bachelorette. Not her kindergarten teacher, not one of her mother’s friends from church, but A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELORETTE. I then set about wracking my brain, to determine the sweetest person I’ve ever known.

No contest. It’s this woman:

And here's a spoiler: we didn't meet on The Bachelorette

Two On One Date:

Observations:

- Dez thought the date would go like this:

- It was a lot more like this:

- Even Dez taking her helmet off and attempting to shake out her hair… Such a fail. I NEEDED COMMITMENT ON THAT MANE SHAKE, DEZ.

- Awww look at that: Zak drew something that Dez recognizes!

Memorable Quotes:

Drew: My family is so excited to meet you. They were just as excited as I was. I feel bad for them that I’ve spent more time with you than they have.

Grace: STOP BEING SUCH AN ANN HOG.

- Dez gushed that, “Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”

Attention, America: I would now like to point your consideration to the fact that Dez dated THIS guy:

Superman that Lowe. Yuk yuk yuk. Fried Armadillos.

Perhaps it would have seemed rude, but it would have been much more appropriate for Dez to say, “Aside from Sean, Drew is the best-looking guy I’ve ever met.”

Rose Ceremony:

- Hare is doing that therapist thing where he makes statements and follows them by silence, leaving it open for Dez to fill in with forced, obligatory words. She ended up saying that she loved how she and Brooks Brothers could be all of these things: “Witty, sarcastic, creative and goofy. And still serious.”
Cloud 9, Baby. If Brooks is a bird, Dez is a bird. 

- And it’s really a toss-up, whether or not this belongs here or in the last section, but she just might have topped herself for most nonsensical thing she’s EVER said when she asserted, “I have to discern my feelings each day about each guy, to figure out where I’m at.”

- In the Limo Ride of Shame, Michael phoned his mother, who, upon hearing of his broken heart, said: “Here we go again.”

Michael: “I don’t know why this keeps happening… Maybe I’m not meant to have a family…”

...I’m sure those two will have a GREAT time at MotherBoy 2014, this fall.

VERBAL FAUX PAS:

- Michael: “Coming right on the heels of the hometown dates...”

Dear Michael,

In case you need a lesson in anatomy, the heels are at the back of the foot. So “coming on the heels of” means it’s after the fact, not before. Please don’t use that phrase in front of a jury.

Love,

Judge Judy

Grace

- Brooks said something on the Cloud 9 date about his head being in the clouds, but he definitely didn't mean it in the usual state of euphoria, which is how the phrase is used. He just meant he is confused.

So am I, Brooks. So am I.

- About Chris’s love poem, Dez remarked, “Chris’s words blew me through the roof.”

…Was she angry? Was she seriously through the roof about it? Perhaps she was taking a break from thinking she was Allie Hamilton and was trying to be Carrie Underwood, cause she meant to say that she was “blown away.”

It’s ok Dez. Sometimes I think I’m Carrie, too.

So how 'bout it, kids? Who's the sweetest person you've ever known? Is Drew going to pull a Frank in a few weeks? Thoughts?

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.