Ok but like… Will’s outfit. I don’t even want to dignify the
term for what he was wearing by saying it here, but alas… He was wearing a
RompHIM. A leopard romphim, no less. I'm just…
Becca sits down with Chris and talks about how she’s never been
to the Bahamas and how excited she is to be there for the first time with
legitimately as much enthusiasm as I would have if I was talking to someone
while visiting Romania for the first time. Like, GIRL, it’s the Bahamas. Chill
out.
Becca comes to get Colton and there are so many innuendos
with the conch thing and I CANNOT be bothered to care. I guess my only question
for Becca is: did she not realized that she was being so primed for a big
reveal from Colton?! The producers spend ALL day asking her about how much
chemistry she has with Colton and she STILL didn’t catch on?! Woof.
Here is the Living Room Peanut Gallery takeaway
COLTON: I’m still
a virgin
BECCA: Really?
KELLY: No, Becca,
he was kidding. YES, REALLY.
Ok I have a lot of thoughts. I don’t know any other way to
go about this than to just list them out:
1)
I really love the picture that he paints of “I
was too busy sports-ing to… be a date.” So I now imagine HOARDS of women, lined
up on the sidelines waiting to go on a date with him and Colton just saying “Sorry
Ladies, gotta sports harder! Gotta do these sprints!”
2)
Who cares about Colton’s virginity?! Why are the
guys talking about it like it’s such a big deal? This is also something that is
such a case-by-case basis. Like, if I hear that you don’t eat any kind of
cookie and you hate all cookies that have ever existed, I know you’re a
terrible person. You can’t explain your way out of that one. (Because HI- there
are vegan and gluten-free and everything-free cookies these days so there are
NOT excuses) but if you tell me you haven’t had sex… there are SO many reasons
why and ways this could go. For the dudes to be sitting there, calling every
single shot about Colton’s very personal choice is… a lot.
3)
I love that Colton tells Becca “Yeah nobody
really knows. Even my dad doesn’t know.” WELL GUESS WHAT, COLTY BABY, NOW
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE KNOW FAM.
4)
Now what I DON’T get is when Colton says “I’m
not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right heart…” YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
that Colton Underwood – THIS GUY - hasn’t met the right heart yet? That feels v
v suspect to me. Also, call me cynical, but if there isn’t a SUPER SPECIFIC AND
COMMITTED reason you’re abstaining, I CANNOT FATHOM that Colton spent all that
time as an athlete and was never tempted by the women who threw themselves at
him? THAT is suspect.
5)
Becca got up from the table when he told her
that. But then she tweeted that she just got up to go to the bathroom. The
chances of either of those options being true is truly 50/50. Either she got up
and went to the bathroom and the editors went BANANAS, or she got up and walked
away about it. I seriously believe both so simultaneously that I don’t even
know WHAT is the truth anymore. Becca seems like a woman of (some more)
substance that some of our previous Bachelorettes, so it doesn’t seem like this
would be a huge issue for her, so I don’t know why she would have walked away.
6)
Interesting that Becca equates “having sex” with
“having lived a ton of life.” I feel like there are a loooooot of
qualifications to be determined before you make that call, but that’s just me.
BECCA: I wanna
meet the people that made Colton Underwood….
MADISON: Poor
choice of words, fam.
GRACE: First you
will meet my sister, Carrie…
KELLY: WAIT
REALLY?!?!
GRACE: Absolutely
not. Carrie Underwood is not his sister.
Ok so Garrett gets the second date card. Blake is bummed. I
am bummed that Blake is bummed. You know who doesn’t get bummed, like
apparently ever? Garrett. I have no idea why he and Becca needed to backwards
kiss like this on the beach before he told her how he’s never been discouraged
in his life, but here we are. Cute swimsuit. Ok but LITERALLY this is what he
told her:
GARRETT: I don’t
really get down. I can count the deepest darkest times in my life on one hand.
GRACE: Well what
were those LIKE, Gare-Bear? How do you handle them? ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS, BECCA!!
GARRETT: I’m not
perfect, you’re not perfect but I think we can be perfect together.
GRACE: I’m not
good at math but I don’t think that makes ANY sense. Legit zero.
Becca kind of half throws questions at Garrett about his ex
and he says she was a yeller. Which is… concerning. He then continues this
concerning rhetoric when he tells Becca that she’s done nothing to “set him
off.” Is it just me or is that sort of talk kiiiiiiind of aggressive? Because
here’s the thing – why didn’t he just say that his wife “had a tendency to
raise her voice,” or “there was a lot of miscommunication” because “she’s a
yeller” and “you haven’t set me off”
feels concerning.
She gives him a rose. He has the haircut of a Hitler Youth.
Finally – FINALLY Blake gets a date. Guys, if Blake is the
next Bachelor, I might forsake all my rules ever and go be on the show. I love
him so much.
They go to a performance from… The Baha men. I don’t even
know what to say, honestly. I’m pretty sure The Baha Men PAID The Bachelorette
for this coverage. That’s the only thing that makes sense becau-
Waaaait Blake can daaaaance.
WAAAAAAIT. You GUYS!!! I love him so much. Marry me!
Also he is GIVING me Gerard Butler in “The Ugly Truth” rn…
When I told the LRPG that he was doing so, this is what
ensued:
GRACE: He is giving me Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth.
KELLY: YAS.
MADISON: Is that the one where he dies?
KELLY and GRACE (in perfect unison): NO THAT WAS PS I LOVE
YOU.
MADISON: Ohhhh you mean the one with Katherine Heigl?
KELLY and GRACE: (in perfect unison): Yeah there you go.
GRACE: Did we just become the Golden Girls of RomComs?
OMG BLAKE’S STORY I CAN’T EVEN DEAL JUST MARRY ME BLAKE I
WILL HEAL ALL YOUR WOUNDS!! He gets a rose. Cause he is perfect.
Final Date: Wills, Jason and Leo “These days are never easy”
(That’s the best they could come up with?)
I got distracted here because I was thinking about Sean Lowe’s
episode before hometown dates and how a) He sent Lesley Murphy home in what I
still say was one of the worst decisions of anyone’s life, ever and b) the 3 on
1 date was Dez, Lindsay Yenter and Catherine. I looked this up and confirmed
it. Not that anyone doubted my memory, but I want to be clear about my
expertise.
Jason is SO New York and we can’t even take it here in the
Living Room Peanut Gallery. We have legit performed almost half of the
production of Newsies, in honor of him, as we talk about what his life must be
like. I bet he wears a Newsies Cap every single day as he battles Joseph
Pulitzer.
Also quick shoutout to my one and only truelove Jack Kelly –
Joey Barreiro himself:
Also, Joey – somehow I remembered that I created this photo for SUUUUUUPER old blog post of mine, no idea why but I really feel like we need to revisit it – NEVER FORGET:
Seriously no idea what that had to do with anything, but it
somehow seemed necessary to revisit it.
Becca sits down with Leo and… sucks his face off. Or maybe
it’s vice versa. Who’s to say? She then decides that she’s not feeling it with
Leo, which we knew she never was, and she sends him home. We didn’t get an exit
interview with him but we got plenty of sandy calves…
Jason sits Becca down and tells her why he wants to bring
her home... Here in the Living Room Peanut Gallery, all we are thinking about
is how we’d wanna go home with him because… of his mom’s cooking. Like, you
KNOW she makes a mean bowl of pasta and meatballs.
Becca sends Wills home and it’s a bummer that he’s gonna be
on BIP because he would’ve made a GREAT Bachelor I feel as though. But MAN that
limo ride was BRUTAL!!
Becca sends Wills home.
“‘I know you’ll find your person’ that’s the worst thing she
could have said to me. Cause it means she’s not my person.” WHAT?! I can’t top
that. I’ll see you clowns next week.
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…
No comments:
Post a Comment