Good news, fam: America’s favorite guest blog host is back. Our erstwhile blog owner has yet again abdicated her duties, so it’s left to the People’s Champ/world’s greatest brother to pick up the pieces. This is also really starting to feel like the fence painting scene in Tom Sawyer. Grace has bamboozled her guest hosts into doing her work for her, and we think we’re getting the deal. I resent this. I have to work late and will settle for NOTHING LESS than getting an apt recap to my loyal subscribers! So strap in for two hours of wanna be alphas trying to out-bro each other, all while Chris Harrison tries to goad somebody into giving us a “hold my beer and watch this” moment that makes reality TV so phenomenal.
Chris comes jogging out to what can only be described as orchestral pump up music. In order to tantalize viewers, we’re immediately treated to a BIP teaser. Following multiple makeout clips, we cut to a stunned Leo on the beach commenting that “everybody has kissed everybody here.” I’m a lil worried that he may have taken one too many knocks to the noggin during his stunt show, because he should not be that oblivious to the premise of Paradise.
In what has to be a BIP first, we have a genuine allegation of witchcraft! Hold onto your brooms—it’s gonna get spooky. (It takes me a few lame jokes before I get rolling.) We also have the seven stages of grief, but it’s compacted into the 3 stages of Colton crying. It starts with small tears, then progresses to he and Tia crying together, and culminates with Colton sobbing on another dude’s shoulder. Hi, Davey - it's the five stages of grief. I go through them every morning when I get out of bed: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance...
And just like that, I’ve lost my Arkansas princess. Tia, Colton, and Sales Trainer/Mr. Glass Chris are ensnared in a love triangle. If somebody is actually picking up what Chris is putting down, swipe left. He seems like he just watched episodes of The Pickup Artist on repeat and figured he knew how to talk to women. I’m pretty sure that every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross. He probably has a "coffee’s for closers" tattoo. But at best, Chris is Stephen Baldwin. At best.
The teaser ends, and we get introduced to our 17 panelists, starting with the guys that everyone forgot. Three guys who didn’t survive night one make the panel, and one of them has the job description of “social media participant.” I’m assuming that means he’s still very active on MySpace. Too bad Becca didn’t put him in her top 8.
They show us “highlights” of the season, and Jean Blanc opines that “you can’t sleep in the game of love.” Which fully explains why he launched a thousand torpedos to sink the SS Love. He was just sleep deprived.
The Jordan/David drama, Jordan in general, and Chris dominate the highlights. Hare asks Chris what happened with Becca, and Chris candidly admits that the wheels fell off. Bruh, it wasn’t just the wheels—it was the transmission, engine, doors, windshield wipers, and seat belts. It was like a moving out-of-state yard sale: everything must go. Conner and Christion also come up with what should be a trending hashtag (is that what the kids say?): #groupdateguys.
This episode seems to have a bubbling undercurrent of genuine dislike and anger. Jean Blanc and Colton exchange some heated insults, and everybody is still livid with Jean Blanc’s flip flop. Colton and Jordan then start verbally sparring, which leads David to decide to jump into the ring.
The real fireworks start when the guys cut after night one decide to go after Jordan. They’ve had months to plan the perfect takedown (that could even lead to a coveted BIP invite), and they finally pick their sport. It does not go anywhere near according to plan. Jordan obliterates them. He then adds insult to injury by mocking one of them for wearing high water pants. I’ve never been accused of being fashionable, but when and why did those pants and sockless loafers become a trend??
Jordan gets in the hot seat, and he’s staring longingly at himself in the recap clip they show. Even Narcissus would tell him he probably should take a step back. To the shock of no one but Colton, Jordan announces that he’s wearing his golden underwear, and he gives the audience a brief (see what I did there?) peek.
Next we hear from Grocery Joe, who has to be the most popular vendor of veggies in America. He further wins the crowd by parrying Hare’s “other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show” questions with deadpan aplomb. (Shamelessly stole that one from Garden State). Hare announces that Joe is bringing his produce to paradise, and Hare goes in for a handclap that he’s hoping will turn into a side bro hug. America’s Grocer is having none of it, and he goes in for a straight handshake. Hare deftly readjusts his grip to avoid the public shame of a rejected side hug.
Wills and Colton have to get in the hot seat, and Hare makes them awkwardly relive their heartbreak. Wills gives great answers to the obligatory dumb questions, and Colton gets emotional talking about his virginity. Jordan gives Colton an unexpected shoutout about respecting him for being true to himself, and it’s warmly received by Colton. Honestly at this point I feel like a CNN reporter live tweeting a White House Press Briefing. Still waiting for the real drama to begin.
Buffalo Jason hops into the hot seat...and it continues to be serious and heavy. In an effort to alleviate the tension, Hare talks about how he didn’t enjoy talking to Becca about how Jason was a great kisser. I’m still feeling all of the awkwardness.
Hare decides to introduce Becca by gleefully announcing that he has “17 broken-hearted men here that can’t wait to talk to Becca.” Once Becca takes the stage, the awkwardness of the episode continues to skyrocket. Jason tells Becca that he hopes they can be friends, he suggests a hug to the wild applause of the audience, and Hare asks if he was really that good of a kisser. Becca then proceeds to ask how Jason’s mom felt about the fact he was known as a good kisser, and I threw my arms around my eyes and ears in a form of solidarity to help Jason escape the awkwardness.
Hare asks if anybody has anything bad to say about Becca, and we have Jean Blanc again making an appearance. He offers up a second bottle of perfume as a gift, and everyone collectively rolls their eyes. Becca asks if anybody in the audience wants to test it, and there are approximately zero takers. Jean Blanc awkwardly leaves the stage.
Hare decides to give Stephen Baldwin the last word. And dammit, he actually gave a pretty decent apology. While bringing the choir back from episode one. But he’ll still be the sales trainer that stole my Arkansas princess, so we’ll probably have to fight if I see him.
We thankfully reach the end of the episode, and they send us off with bloopers! Hare shows us that he’s truly a master craftsman when he interacts with a young girl in the audience of the Richmond debate. Once he hears that the girl is 12, he tells her, “Oh, you’re not actually going to learn anything today then. This is actually what happens when you drop out of school. Stay in school. The world is not flat.”
Stay tuned for next week, when we finally get to see which proposal Becca decides to accept. Remember that the world is round, and stay #blessed.
Special thanks to my in house legal counsel for holding down the fort this week!! Happy Trial to Paul Manafort today!!
Until the final rose - if you're a bird, I'm a bird...
No comments:
Post a Comment