LOL jk Kellyanne wasn't there.
ARIE: I could fall in love in Peru.
JOHNNY: Same, tbh. Actually just put me on that pretty balcony and I'm pretty sure I could find love. With those pink blooms.
GRACE: Matt, how much do you know about The Bachelor?
MATT: Well I know Josh Murray really well.
GRACE: I don't care that you know Josh Murray really well (although he DID hawk Advocare for a while and I have been a patron of theirs for over a decade) What you need to know is that it's down to three women.
KENDALL:
ARIE: I could fall in love in Peru.
JOHNNY: Same, tbh. Actually just put me on that pretty balcony and I'm pretty sure I could find love. With those pink blooms.
GRACE: Matt, how much do you know about The Bachelor?
MATT: Well I know Josh Murray really well.
GRACE: I don't care that you know Josh Murray really well (although he DID hawk Advocare for a while and I have been a patron of theirs for over a decade) What you need to know is that it's down to three women.
KENDALL:
Kendall runs up to Arie and throws her arms AND legs around him, because apparently there is no other way to greet anyone, ever. They get in a dune buggy and Mad Max their way through the Peruvian desert.
JOHNNY: I dare you take your mask off and take in a bunch of sand!
ARIE: I could be married to Kendall, she’s fun.
JOHNNY: She can’t even stand up right now. If he wants a microwave version of her then he should pick Lauren B.
I honestly really couldn't even tell you what Arie and Kendall talked about. She said she was quirky because she likes dead animals and plays the ukulele, and I had to smack the side of my head several times to retrieve my eyeballs that had rolled into the back of my skull. SPEAKING OF SELF-DESCRIPTIONS - ya'll remember when one of our friends asserted that he was a "very stable genius?" This was, in my opinion, the most thoughtful response, and you all should read it. It's quick:
Bottom line: IF YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE THE THING, YOU'RE NOT THE THING, KENDALL.
She accepted the fantasy suite. Her skin looks fine without makeup. Don't forget to moisturize after being in the sun all day, Kendall.
She accepted the fantasy suite. Her skin looks fine without makeup. Don't forget to moisturize after being in the sun all day, Kendall.
LAUREN B:
BOOZER: Why do they all jump up in his arms?
CAROLYN: Cause they’re skinny enough to do that.
JOHNNY: And they have daddy issues.
ARIE: I'm so excited to see Lauren running towards me.
JOHNNY: (As Arie) Even with a plane behind me, Lauren is all I could see.
Arie definitely learned the word “geoglyph” today.
I honestly couldn’t even tell you what this conversation between Arie and Lauren on this cafe patio was about. I think she was trying to be deep. But I am also so bored by her that I can’t even focus on her words. Anything that starts with “I like, do this thing in my head…” is never going to end well. I think shes trying to tell him that she doesn’t trust him because he’s dating other girls… but like, didn’t she know what she was signing up for?
BOOZER: Why do they all jump up in his arms?
CAROLYN: Cause they’re skinny enough to do that.
JOHNNY: And they have daddy issues.
ARIE: I'm so excited to see Lauren running towards me.
JOHNNY: (As Arie) Even with a plane behind me, Lauren is all I could see.
Arie definitely learned the word “geoglyph” today.
I honestly couldn’t even tell you what this conversation between Arie and Lauren on this cafe patio was about. I think she was trying to be deep. But I am also so bored by her that I can’t even focus on her words. Anything that starts with “I like, do this thing in my head…” is never going to end well. I think shes trying to tell him that she doesn’t trust him because he’s dating other girls… but like, didn’t she know what she was signing up for?
 |
| Actual footage of Lauren fighting herself in her head |
WHOA HE JUST SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO HER OMG OMG THEY’VE NE'ER SAID IT THIS EARLY. WHAT IS HAPPENING. He is Ben Higgins on steroids. DIDN'T HE LEARN FROM BEN?!?!
 |
| MAAAAYDAAAAY |
WAIT WHY ARE THEY PLAYING “HOW DO I LIVE” RIGHT NOW DURING THE FANTASY SUITE WHAT IS HAPPENING I DON’T UNDERSTAND I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION Guys, It had to cost so much money to license this song, I AM SO OVERWHELMED. What could they POSSIBLY be trying to accomplish by playing this song right now?
Update: I spoke to our music department. They said it would've cost at least $30,000 to license the cover, would've been north of $50,000 to license the original. I see no other way to proceed than to list my questions:
1) AT WHAT POINT was this decision made? Because (usually) the episode is built by a story producer and an editor. Then reviewed by a co-executive producer. Then executive producers. When in that chain of command did they make this call? Did one of the story producers suggest it and then send it up the chain? Or was an EP like, "Get a song in there?"
2) WHY did they need a lyrical song? We NEVER hear songs with lyrics (pretty much at any point in the show, unless it's Juan Pablo playing Josh Ratchet from his iPhone on his final date with Clare) and we CERTAINLY never hear them during the fantasy suite date.
3) Why go for the cover, and not the original? If they have 30k to burn, why not shell out the extra 20k and get Leann Rimes in there?
4) Were Arie and Lauren consulted about this? Did they say "hey, what's y'all's song?" and put it in there? If so, does that mean that they did it because he CHOOSES Lauren, or was it a consolation prize because he told her he loves her but DOESN'T choose her?
**UPDATE: the song was covered by Laura Fleiss... Oh, does the name "Fleiss" sound familiar to you? If so, THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE LAURA FLEISS IS MARRIED TO THE SHOW CREATOR MIKE FLEISS. Still trying to get to the bottom of an actual cost report. Stay tuned.
**UPDATE: the song was covered by Laura Fleiss... Oh, does the name "Fleiss" sound familiar to you? If so, THAT WOULD BE BECAUSE LAURA FLEISS IS MARRIED TO THE SHOW CREATOR MIKE FLEISS. Still trying to get to the bottom of an actual cost report. Stay tuned.
This is seriously the biggest conundrum of this entire franchise that has ever happened. I am going to be chewing in this for WEEKS to come. I'll definitely let you guys know if I ever get any updates. I can't believe I just typed out four individual questions I had about this, as though I were Robert Mueller gearing up to interview DJT, but it happened and I'm not gonna fight it.
BECCA:
Becca runs up and ONCE AGAIN, embraces Arie with both her arms and her legs. It's a pretty overcast day, yet they're going out on a boat. How quaint. Hope they're wearing sunscreen.
Arie points out a seal
JOHNNY: Oh look there’s me.
GRACE: Johnny, I think we need to go to a Charlie Puth concert.
JOHNNY: There are very few things I would rather do LESS than that.
GRACE: Which is why we need to do it.
JOHNNY: I would rather fill my shoes with fish and not take them off for a week than do that.
GRACE: Exactly. We need to go.
JOHNNY: Honestly… if we went I would make t-shirts. That had the “Poo” emoji followed by “TH.” You know what, I’ll go. I just talked myself into it.,
HE HAS NOW SAID I LOVE YOU TO BOTH OF THEM. EVEN EARLIER THAN BEN HIGGINS DID AHHHHHHHHH
She accepts the fantasy suite, and it's a tent in the desert. Great, more sand.
They venture out of the tent for a picnic breakfast the next morning and honestly the fact that they are exposed in the sun right now is so disturbing to me. It's first thing in the morning and you KNOW that they're probably not wearing sunscreen.
GRACE: I mean, even when I am MARRIED, I would never let my mother see footage of me in a bathrobe the morning after. NEVER!
JOHNNY: Obviously. I could have told you that after knowing you for three days.
Then we get to the ex boyfriend... The entire living room was convinced that he was an ex of Lauren B, because that accent seemed to indicate Virginia Beach... But as soon as we heard Becca's sound bite of "Nothing could get me down at this point..." WE KNEW.
So then this guy shows up. They try to obscure his face at first, as we hear him say "I don't want cameras, I just want my girl..." And then goes onto allege that he didn't know the show ended in a proposal.
Honestly if I met ANY man from the age range of 20 to 40 who DID NOT know that this show ends in a proposal, I would run for the hills.
Also just a production note: by playing the audio of him saying "I don't want any cameras" before we saw his face, we were made to believe "Oh maybe there's a chance we won't even see him because he does it all behind closed doors because he's really just there for love..." SPOILER ALERT: You can't even go on camera until you've signed a release. He knew he was going to be filmed. He wanted to be filmed. And by "filmed" I mean "get Instagram followers."
BOOZER: He is so cute!
JOHNNY: Keep it in your pants, Boozer.
I love that Arie called him a… nerd. The unclassiest of nerds.
When Arie says “He goes from… being broken up to… I’m gonna propose… WHAT” The "what" was by far and away the MOST emotion he has ever shown.
The Living Room pretty quickly decided that Ross must be pretty annoying in real life. He came here with aluminum foil on his flowers (did his mom put them together?) and didn't even PROPOSE to her (After he told Arie "it's my proposal to give") didn't pull out a ring... Was just like, "I've been thinking about you..." Now I WILL say that there is NO CHANCE that the producers hadn't been calling him for weeks saying things like, "Becca keeps talking about you..." cause there's no way he would've shown up, otherwise. But he doesn't even have a ring! Becca tells him that he expects everything to be like the Notebook and he can't just show up like this. And honestly NO ONE can expect everything to be like the Notebook unless you're Ryan Gosling. She sends him home and goes to talk to Arie.
We all SCREAMED when Arie and Becca said the Krystal “Heeeey” at the same time. Can’t rewind because it’s live but Johnny legit almost fell out of his chair. He was kind of lowkey into Ross's spiel for about sixteen seconds before I snapped him out of it:
If everyone took a drink everytime the word “know” was said in this scene between Becca and Arie… “I know.. you know…. I don’t know… but you know… I don’t know…” I mean, that was really something else, you know?
It’s kind of cool that Arie is worried that “Becca might still have some feelings for Ross” when she a) didn’t let him in her room and b) WHEN HE HAS SAID I LOVE YOU TO ANOTHER WOMAN NOT TWENTY FOUR HOURS BEFORE.
Arie: I’m so excited to end this in a proposal. I feel good going into next week,” ALL THREE GIRLS THINK HE’S TALKING ABOUT THEM.
Arie pulls Kendall aside, sends her home, and we all collectively yawned. She'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise.
So deeply excited for next week. Hopefully that criminal conviction of Arie's will have gone through the court system and we'll find out what on Earth Caroline was talking about when she told him "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID (last summer)."
I will leave you all with the greatest line ever said on TV from my favorite too-short-lived Go On:
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...
BECCA:
Becca runs up and ONCE AGAIN, embraces Arie with both her arms and her legs. It's a pretty overcast day, yet they're going out on a boat. How quaint. Hope they're wearing sunscreen.
Arie points out a seal
JOHNNY: Oh look there’s me.
GRACE: Johnny, I think we need to go to a Charlie Puth concert.
JOHNNY: There are very few things I would rather do LESS than that.
GRACE: Which is why we need to do it.
JOHNNY: I would rather fill my shoes with fish and not take them off for a week than do that.
GRACE: Exactly. We need to go.
JOHNNY: Honestly… if we went I would make t-shirts. That had the “Poo” emoji followed by “TH.” You know what, I’ll go. I just talked myself into it.,
HE HAS NOW SAID I LOVE YOU TO BOTH OF THEM. EVEN EARLIER THAN BEN HIGGINS DID AHHHHHHHHH
She accepts the fantasy suite, and it's a tent in the desert. Great, more sand.
They venture out of the tent for a picnic breakfast the next morning and honestly the fact that they are exposed in the sun right now is so disturbing to me. It's first thing in the morning and you KNOW that they're probably not wearing sunscreen.
GRACE: I mean, even when I am MARRIED, I would never let my mother see footage of me in a bathrobe the morning after. NEVER!
JOHNNY: Obviously. I could have told you that after knowing you for three days.
Then we get to the ex boyfriend... The entire living room was convinced that he was an ex of Lauren B, because that accent seemed to indicate Virginia Beach... But as soon as we heard Becca's sound bite of "Nothing could get me down at this point..." WE KNEW.
So then this guy shows up. They try to obscure his face at first, as we hear him say "I don't want cameras, I just want my girl..." And then goes onto allege that he didn't know the show ended in a proposal.
Honestly if I met ANY man from the age range of 20 to 40 who DID NOT know that this show ends in a proposal, I would run for the hills.
Also just a production note: by playing the audio of him saying "I don't want any cameras" before we saw his face, we were made to believe "Oh maybe there's a chance we won't even see him because he does it all behind closed doors because he's really just there for love..." SPOILER ALERT: You can't even go on camera until you've signed a release. He knew he was going to be filmed. He wanted to be filmed. And by "filmed" I mean "get Instagram followers."
BOOZER: He is so cute!
JOHNNY: Keep it in your pants, Boozer.
I love that Arie called him a… nerd. The unclassiest of nerds.
When Arie says “He goes from… being broken up to… I’m gonna propose… WHAT” The "what" was by far and away the MOST emotion he has ever shown.
The Living Room pretty quickly decided that Ross must be pretty annoying in real life. He came here with aluminum foil on his flowers (did his mom put them together?) and didn't even PROPOSE to her (After he told Arie "it's my proposal to give") didn't pull out a ring... Was just like, "I've been thinking about you..." Now I WILL say that there is NO CHANCE that the producers hadn't been calling him for weeks saying things like, "Becca keeps talking about you..." cause there's no way he would've shown up, otherwise. But he doesn't even have a ring! Becca tells him that he expects everything to be like the Notebook and he can't just show up like this. And honestly NO ONE can expect everything to be like the Notebook unless you're Ryan Gosling. She sends him home and goes to talk to Arie.
We all SCREAMED when Arie and Becca said the Krystal “Heeeey” at the same time. Can’t rewind because it’s live but Johnny legit almost fell out of his chair. He was kind of lowkey into Ross's spiel for about sixteen seconds before I snapped him out of it:
If everyone took a drink everytime the word “know” was said in this scene between Becca and Arie… “I know.. you know…. I don’t know… but you know… I don’t know…” I mean, that was really something else, you know?
It’s kind of cool that Arie is worried that “Becca might still have some feelings for Ross” when she a) didn’t let him in her room and b) WHEN HE HAS SAID I LOVE YOU TO ANOTHER WOMAN NOT TWENTY FOUR HOURS BEFORE.
Arie: I’m so excited to end this in a proposal. I feel good going into next week,” ALL THREE GIRLS THINK HE’S TALKING ABOUT THEM.
Arie pulls Kendall aside, sends her home, and we all collectively yawned. She'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise.
So deeply excited for next week. Hopefully that criminal conviction of Arie's will have gone through the court system and we'll find out what on Earth Caroline was talking about when she told him "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID (last summer)."
I will leave you all with the greatest line ever said on TV from my favorite too-short-lived Go On:
If you're a bird, I'm a bird...
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