Tides of Realness

Announcements:

1) BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK ON ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD I AM SLEEPING SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT. Lack of punctuation intended to indicate stakes. 

1a) There's apparently a three part interview with DeMario happening sometime this week. I learned that when I went to yahoo.com to try to login to my yahoo email account. Couldn't guess my password. Gave up. But excited about that interview. 

2) I watched live at home tonight with my roommate Adrienne because Carolyn and Johnny are literally too famous to function - they were at a MOVIE PREMIERE for a film that Carolyn's company did. Everything famous that's ever happened is those two. 

3) I won't get to tomorrow night's episode til probably Thursday - I have dinner plans with two of my favorite ladies tomorrow that I sternly refuse to reschedule. 

THAT BEING SAID:

We open with Eric being too drunk to even fully open his eyes. Then Chiro Bryro tells Rachel some math equation about how they’re perfect for one another and I’m annoyed by him. WE JUST SAW SO MUCH OF HIS TONGUE WHILE THEY MADE OUT OH MY WORD.

I really appreciate how Will said something to the effect of “I don’t care about Lee and Kenny, unless someone is throwing punches.

....That said, I will go and watch.”

I think that’s my entire life summed up in two sentences.

Here’s the thing that Kenny and Lee need to do: have this discussion in front of Rachel. THAT is how they could solve this. I’m not saying I’m King Solomon (remember when those two women with the baby came to him and he was like “I know how to settle this”) BUT I KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS. If they hashed it out in front of Rachel it would go so differently. Especially because she's an attorney. Now Lee is walking away from the conversation, a definite giveaway that he has lost the argument. Good, cause I was tired of listening to them talk over one another. They were worse than political pundits on Meet the Press.

Group rose is going to Chiro Bryro, I’m calling it right n- oh, look. It did.  As his twin, Alex, stands behind him. Ouch. And then Rachel just slinks out. Kenny congratulates Bryan, implying that this is a contest, and then he... whispers at Lee.


One on One date: Jack
Oh my gosh this date with Jack is PAINNNN FULLLLL. Y’all what is even happening!!!??? This is disastrous. Why... is Jack... the way that he is?? No hot sauce on my oyster, please. Jack is every uncomfortable quality that a man could possibly have, rolled into one. 

Ok here's my one insight about Jack - You KNOW that Jack is every girl's friend. You know that every girl he’s ever known has told him that he’s a "great catch" and is "totally the marrying type".... but they won’t go on a date with him. BECAUSE HE IS THE CREEPIEST MAN ALIVE!! 

These background Shaggin Dancers are so excited to be featured on this show, though. 

Live your best life, shaggers. 

OH MY GOSH SHE JUST GAVE HIM A PECK AND THEN TOLD HIM SHE WAS SICK WHAT HIS HAPPENING I AM DYING OVER THIS.

And why does Jack keep giving her this serial killer look?!!? I didn't even have to wait for this moment. I just pointed my camera, snapped a picture and it was his serial killer face because he was hardly ever NOT making that face. And yes, that's how many cords it takes to run the TV to an antenna through a converter box because I insist on living no later than the year 1994. 

There seriously hasn’t been a date this bad since that guy Doug that Emily Maynard had to send home mid-group date after he tried to kiss her. I am locked in the fetal position and have no plans to get out of it any time soon.

I love how Rachel takes everything he says so literally – like when he told her he "couldn’t focus during the dancing," she looked at him like, "Oh so you have ADD?" Or how he was "shocked the first time he spoke to her," she looked like she was ready to ask, "Oh, did they tell you the Bachelorette was gonna be white?" She can't even enter onto a joking level with him because she is SO repulsed by him. 

Aaaaaand the first thing Jack would do back in Dallas is… lock the door. MERCY!! Rachel had a weird soundbite about that, saying how it showed her what kind of man he was, when there are plenty of things they could be doing around Dallas. I would argue that it isn't so telling that he wants to "go to Dallas and lock the door," but that he wants to do that and she doesn't feel good about it. Because I can guarantee that if Peter or ChiroBryro said that, she'd be all about it. 

WHY DIDN’T WE GET AN EXIT INTERVIEW FROM HIM?! I really hope he's on BIP. Full disclosure: I somehow found myself combing DEEP into Taylor’s Instagram comments (Mental Health Counselor Taylor who got into it with Corinne – remember her?) and she and Danielle M from last season were calling out some trolls, and then Jack jumped in on the fun… Probably because none of them have jobs and sit around on Instagram all day... It was several days ago before BIP resumed filming, so who KNOWS what will happen down there. Also I will never NOT endorse going deep into someone’s Instagram comments. It’s worth it every time. 

Can't stop. Won't stop. 

Whoa, Will is spitting some truth at Lee right now about what’s going on with Kenny. Lee isn’t having it. Guys, Will is growing on me something FIERCE. (EvenThoughHeDressedUpAsUrkel)

Rose Ceremony:
Adam and Iggy clearly missed the dark suit memo, but I’ll let it slide. I can’t believe they made Kenny and Lee stand beside each other but I’m obviously here for it.

Roses went to: Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and… Lee.

Wait what did Lee say about Kenny? A phrase that they use down south? I missed it. And I’m watching live so I can’t rewind!

I’m glad Iggy has support from his dudes. They seem to really like Iggy. Ok I really didn’t hate Jonathan's“one for the road” moment. It was definitely the most self-aware he's been all season and I’ve got time for that. Didn’t need to see his “tickle hands,” though. Woof.

Iggy is crying and saying that he has learned more about himself in the past four weeks than he has in thirty years. Can someone PLEASE explain to me how this show "teaches you about yourself?" Because I don’t understand how it does anything but make you miserable and insane… (and very TV worthy)

MOVING ON. Norway:

Glad that Rachel got a copy of the Norwegian Welcome Packet so she could read us the amenities that Norway has to offer. She couldn't have been any less excited about it.

RACHEL: This is real. I’m trying to find a husband.
ADRIENNE: WELL AREN’T WE ALL.

Rachel says that when you travel with someone, you really get to know them… Rachel, that’s when you’re stuck in a car with someone for seven hours. THAT’S how you get to know someone. Not when you fly cheap Norw-air while production makes it look like a chartered plane touched down on that runway just now... (No, "Norw-air" isn't a thing, but I should probably make it one.)

One on One: ChiroBryro

Dean thinks Bryan is going to go home… I respect Dean, but I think his barometer is a bit off on that one.

Rachel informs ChiroBryro that they are going to repel down off a huge ski jump. Cool. Scared of heights, scared to open up to love, blah blahhh.

Did I tell you guys that we’re doing the Sky Slide this weekend? It’s at the US Bank Building… You know, the slide that’s 70 stories up in the air that Nick and Vanessa DIDN’T do when they dined on top of the US Bank building. (Seriously why else would you POSSIBLY go to the US Bank building?)

WHY IS RACHEL RAPPELLING THIS IN HEELS? Sara Jung, may we please get an official statement from Rock Climbers of America about how this is a bad idea? (No, Rock Climbers of America isn't a thing - well, as far as I know it's not - but I should really make that one a thing)

Ok they’re a little bit charming together. I’m not mad. But I could definitely do without the smacking during their kisses.

I support the conversation that Rachel and Bryan are having at dinner right now. Super vulnerable. But when are we going to get to the fact that it’s crazy that he is still single?

Chiro Bryro told her that he’s falling in love with her and he has had NO MORE than eight total hours of conversation with her. No joke. God bless America and God bless reality TV.


GROUP DATE: 

Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

These outfits are dumb. They’re not even funny, Is Matt on this date? Can’t even tell.

I strangely love that Will played hand ball at summer camp growing up. I'm seriously thinking about tweeting incessantly at Will and making him meet me at the Venice Gold's Gym when he's in town for the Men Tell All. Any thoughts on that?

Peter has a GREAT attitude about this and is using his time on the court SO wisely.

Why is Dean wearing a jock strap on the outside of his jersey? Mad protection of the family jewels? Adrienne and I can’t figure it out but aren't ready to quit giggling about it.

I CAN’T BELIEVE RACHEL AND PETER GOT IN THE HOT TUB ON THE GROUP DATE! WHAAAAAT. That's honestly... kind of rude. Like, I believe the dudes when they said "Well here he is three hours later" when Peter finally emerged... Shout out to the Production Assistant who got to blow dry his hair and comb their fingers through those silky silver fox waves...

Group date rose went to Will. Peter obviously didn’t get it because she feels like he doesn’t need any affirmation DUH.

Two on One Date:

It always amuses me how people talk about preparation for these dates saying things like, “I’m calm, I’m focused,” like it’s an actual marathon. The proper response would be “I’m excited to spend time with Rachel!” Come on, dudes.

It’s also entertaining that the people that get sent on the two on one dates… have no physical connection with the lead. Remember Corinne and Taylor? (Don't tell me Nick and Corinne had physical chemistry) Or Alex and Mad Chad? Or Olivia and one of the Twins? Zero. Physical. Connection.

Is it just me or does Lee look… puffy? Like he had one too many drinks last night? Is that just me?

WHOA LEE IS LAYING DOWN A SCENE, HERE. Mercy. I can’t wait for VanGate to come up at the Men Tell All. 

Ok I'm no lawyer, but I DO want to explain some logistics, here. I'm not defending either party, but I have found that I am a VIGOROUS defender of clear communication, and I want to point out what happened, here with VanGate: 

Lee told Rachel something to the effect of "Kenny got really aggressive with me, he wanted to pull me out of the van one night... He showed up and said "Is Lee in there?!" 

Interestingly, Lee made no mention of Kenny actually laying a hand on him. Kenny probably said "Is Lee in there?" so he would know to ride in the other van. But because Lee set up his statement with "Kenny wanted to pull me out of the van," all Rachel heard was "Kenny attempted to pull me out of the van." 

Which Kenny obviously didn't do. I can't speak to the whole "Kenny said he has a dark side that comes out when he drinks," but in terms of VanGate, Lee pulled a REAL snaky move and IMPLIED a whole bunch of things. 

But I'm bummed that Rachel Lindsay, Doctor of Laws, didn't pick up on that. 

Very curious to see if she sends them both home. I feel like she doesn't, cause we have yet to see the instance where Kenny ends up with that blood on his face, which is obviously fake... SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Until tomorrow, if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

You Continue to Be in the Sauce!!

Let’s start with the important things on the agenda:

- The Jim Comey testimony was everything I wanted and more. (Yes, I watched all three hours of it. And all two hours of Jeff Sessions’ testimony. I’ve been watching way too much C-SPAN lately -whatever, I’m turning into my grandmother and I’m ok with it) Props to Comey for phrases like, “No fuzz on that,” and his quoting of Henry II. Bless.

Zero Fuzz. 

- Y’all… This Bachelor in Paradise thing… I very genuinely feel like a mother of five who found out that month-long summer camp was cancelled. WHAT am I supposed to do with my summer?!?!?!?! I am so upset. I am REELING. But seriously – how crazy is that whole thing? From all angles?! Now ABC has to come up with FOUR hours of programming for the summer (two hours of BIP on Mondays, an hour on Tuesdays followed by the live after show) everyone in production and post production is now out of a job, not to mention that this whole thing throws the show onto the front lines of every political debate ever: victim blaming, slut shaming, feminism, late capitalism (I’m looking at you, Buck Curley) DeMario says they should release the tapes. I say release the Comey tapes first, but JK ROFL we all know those tapes don’t even exist.

RIP Harambe

We pick up tonight's episode with a reminder that Lee and Eric are crazy. Look, I don’t hate Eric yet, he just yells an awful lot. Rachel wants to leave them behind and to talk to Tickle Monster in the rainbow tie. HOW IS TICKLE MONSTER STILL HERE?! Mercy. It seems like Josiah is taking Eric’s side and I trust Josiah, but that’s probably based on my general affinity for lawyers. It also seems like Lee got a haircut about two months ago and it’s growing out in a weird way… Get that under control, buddy. Lee is also too drunk to count right now. Dean asserts that he thinks that Lee is a moron and I am feeling real sweet on Dean, so I’m gonna agree with pretty much anything he says. OMG WHY IS LEE TALKING ABOUT HIS GRANDFATHER AND THE KNIFE RIGHT NOW WHERE IS THIS GOING. The way that he scrawled “ENCHANTING” onto a two by four makes me question his literacy. But then again, the male model next to Dean doesn’t know the difference between “cork” and “quirk” and the fact that Dean can’t straighten this out either is emotionally upsetting to me. Final observation: I like Kenny’s purple button down, but I hate Alex’s purple zebra blazer.

OHHH DR. BRYAN COMING IN STRONG WITH THE VULNERABILITY JARGON. I really like Bryan, but he’s just old AF. Rachel is scared that Bryan is too good to be true and Bryan has nothing to say to that except more… too good to be true jargon. Bryan is spitting some major game tonight… Before spitting into Rachel’s mouth. I do like Rachel’s coat. NOW THE KENNY-LEE CONFRONTATION IS COMING, MY BODY IS READY.

Kenny’s calm demeanor going into this is exceptional. Dunno know why Diggy is lurking in the background, though. The editing on this is kind of poor. Their conversation doesn’t make sense. Rachel is equally troubled by it as she talks to the large-eared elven man that I’ve never seen. Oh wait. Didn’t I make a Rivendell joke last week about him? Who is this guy? Lee is now saying some more nonsensical things about tears and beers to the “corky” male model, THANK GOD PETER IS HERE NOW. Peter, take me away, cowboy. Find us a river we can skate away on. Just say you won't let go. (And any other song lyrics that are appropriate, here) To be honest, I don’t exactly have a handle on the pressures that Rachel is telling this producer that she's facing, but what I DO have a handle on is the fact that the camera got WAY too close to Tickle Monster’s face, just now.

The producer has called in the big guns for Rachel and Hare shows up, insisting that he can facilitate anything. Can he facilitate a new shirt for Dean? This Hawaiian thing needs to go. Breaking news- oh my gosh it isn’t just a terrible purple zebra blazer that Alex is wearing, it’s an entire SUIT. No wonder Rachel ended the cocktail party early.

Roses went to: Will, Dean, Tickle Monster, Peter, (I feel like this track of music indicates that Lee is going to stay) Adam, Bryan, Matt (who? Is this the same guy I was asking about last week?) Josiah, Jack (so far the only words we’ve heard from Jack are that he knows the difference between cork and quirk) Iggy, Kenny, and last and least: Lee.

Sucks that Rivendell guy got his time cut off because of Lee and he still hast to go home. At least Diggy has his shoe collection waiting for him.

South Carolina:

They made it look like the guys had a private plane to HH… That is very clearly not true. #Southwest #FlyTheFriendlySkies #OrSomethingLikeThat But I am loving the dudes racing golf carts right now because I love watching dudes doing things.

One On One: 

Dean

Y’ALL DEAN IS SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW. The kind of cute where if he tried to talk to me I would genuinely just say nonsensical things. I really wish that I could hold him accountable for the shorts and pants he chose to wear on this date. And honestly he's young and poor enough that he's probably still wearing his high school wardrobe (oh, was that just me?)

Strange that Rachel thinks she can make Dean feel more reassured by driving the blimp herself. So glad that Dean is trying to find the seat belt before taking the reins himself. Dean is gonna fall hard for Rachel after this – you guys KNOW my statistics on dates with adrenaline. I love how Rachel thinks she’s a daredevil for... manning a completely piloted blimp.

The set-up of these moss trees reminds me of an EXCEPTIONAL show on CMT called “Sweet Home Alabama.” If you’ve never seen it, EDUCATE THYSELF and get back to me.

Dean starts dinner off with a vanilla “tell me about your upbringing.” And then replies that the foundation of his childhood was religion and… dirt bikes. Ok wait this story about his mom is devastating. Oh my GOODNESS. Dean passed Rachel’s expectations on this date. And mine. I have a lot more questions about what happened between 15 and 18 then 18 to 25, but meanwhile:

(Sidenote: that Secret deodorant commercial... Where the girl is fanning her armpits in front of the AC, talking to an imaginary date? ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME) Second sidenote: have you guys seen that T-Mobile commercial where the guy tries to buy lemonade from a little girl and she adds all those extra fees? THAT GUY is Dan from Dez’s season, also the dude that hooked up with Onion Ashley on BIP. (Rest in Peace, BIP)

Ohhh heeeey Russell Dickerson. Let me tell you about how much I love this song he is singing right now: a giant part of my life is based on analyzing and finding the perfect First Dance song. It’s my first question after EVERY wedding, and it’s really the only thing that matters. (I got two texts this weekend, as a matter of fact, with the titles of the first dance songs from two different weddings, because my really good friends know how to head me off at the pass with my wedding questions.) My brother actually introduced me to Russell Dickerson (because he supports my unfounded notion that the first dance song is the only thing that matters about a marriage) and if you all will remember Patrick Shea, winner of the “Boyfriend of the Year” award I mentioned a while ago – HIS song with his girlfriend (of the Century) Katie is the very song Russell played. ALSO THEY HAVE MET RUSSELL DICKERSON. It’s very casual.

Group Date:

Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Le, Iggy, Eric, Will, Josiah

Peter’s reading of this date card was the WORST in the history of this entire show, how even? I’m happy for Jack getting a one-on-one because he knew the difference between “cork” and “quirk” AND he’s an attorney. 

(JK the jury is totally still out on Jack, but he's got everything going for him so far....) 

Josiah is already pretty sloshed and it's probably only about 11 am. Kenny’s rapping is delightful, but you KNOW that I’m real into Peter spitting rhymes in that coral shirt right now.

Look, I’m all about a spelling Bee, but the fact that they’ve made these guys pound drinks and now they’re making them spell... is a lot. Rachel thinks intelligence is sexy. I do too, but I feel like there are many better indications of intelligence spelling words. I’m glad they put that Bachelor PA to work making him draw a bunch of bees to hang up all over the place.

To be fair, I don’t think I could spell boudoir… Wait, I typed it correctly, just now! Eric and “façade…” is very disappointing to me. It looks like Josiah is still pretty sloshed, and he’s still spelling correctly, but we haven’t seen him face any tough ones… boutinnere… Boutinerre… Oh I would NOT get that one. "Physiological," not a tough one. "Polyamorous," also not difficult. I’d honestly be fine if there weren’t any French words up in it…

Clearly Peter never had Joe Croker as an English teacher and never saw Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Mr. FitzHerbert... Because that... is his name. 

If Rachel has a choice, she would never wear shoes. Samesies, Rachel...

...unless you could Vibrams.

How did it come to be that Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin?? Is no one going to ask her about that? And by "no one," I mean "Peter."

Eric is making a GREAT comeback right now. He really could have slipped into just talking about Lee and Kenny, but he is using his time VERY wisely and I'm impressed.

I’m so bored by Iggy talking smack about Josiah to Rachel. He is still sweaty, what is going ON? And now he goes back and talks to Josiah. And tells him exactly what he said. He is such a pot stirrer!! I feel like Eric called him out really well, telling him he was part of the problem. Iggy needs to go.

Lee is digging a massive hole for himself, for the Men Tell All, it’s really just incredible. Telling Rachel how he "loves the guy" about Kenny, then turning around and telling the camera how much he likes baiting him... Also the fact that he said “yes ma’am” to Rachel is unreal.

Alex and Peter are obviously pretty sober and they’re not into Lee’s shenanigans at the bar right now. Also I have a big problem with the fact that the men seem to think “disingenuine” is a word. 

Kenny is trying to tell Rachel about what happened the night of the rose ceremony but she is NOT having it. She wasn't even into his rapping. Also massive points to Kenny because he actually commented on this, observing her closed body language.

OHHHH HE JUST DROPPED THE “ALTERNATIVE FACTS” ON US. No one is safe.

Who is Will even talking about when Kenny comes in to grab Lee for a chat? I really like Will more and more, but I’m still so upset about his Urkel Schtick. But he gets points for doing so well on the Spelling Bee.

Kenny and Josiah doing Game of Thrones while Alex looks on is so delightful in my life right now. 

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO JACK'S DATE!! What is life? Thank goodness we get two episodes next week, so rude of the sport games to intrude on our airtime last week. 

Ugh, if you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

GET YOUR JOY SOMEWHERE ELSE

Announcements:

1) Y’ALL JAMES COMEY IS TESTIFYING IN THREE DAYS YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. (True life: I don’t think he’s actually going to say anything earth shattering because all of it is still under investigation, but I definitely still wanna see him in a Gotcha game with Kareem Abdul Jabbar.)

2) Anyone else read “All the Light We Cannot See?” I just finished it and I am, as the kids would say, SHOOKETH.” It won the 2015 Pulitzer for a reason. Run, don’t walk, to pick up a copy of it.

3) Finally… Let me take you back to 2008. Just bear with me, I promise this is worth it. My mentor in the Miami BFA program, the legendary Tim Murray told me a lot of important things during my first semester. He told me who I should be friends with in the program and who I shouldn’t talk to (and honestly he was so right, to this day) But early in the fall he started snapping in my face and said, “Ok two names I need you to know: Lissa Rubin and Katie McClellan. They are legendary and they are infinite and you must love them, got it?” I nodded gravely, understanding that with which I had just been charged. When these two ladies returned for spring semester (I don’t even know where they were – they were literally too famous for first semester) I very genuinely sat at their feet and demanded that they love me. Fast forward to almost a decade later… Katie McClellan was in town this week, y’all. Remember Katie? She's my friend that I talked about being in that Hallmark movie? She's v famous.

I had the privilege of watching last night’s episode with her and if you ask me whom I adore in life, she’s near the top of the list. We watched with her friends Ross and Lauren. Ross has yet to convert to being a fan of BachelorNation. I told Lauren to just give him time.

So we picked up right when last we left our heroes and DeMario starts off his time with Rachel with a handshake. Strong. Let’s talk about how he wiped his lip before he recited his “favorite quote.” (I put that term in quotations because… you know.) But seriously. It was like his body knew what he was about to say was complete nonsense and was making a last ditch effort to cover up his mouth so he wouldn't say it. DeMario pleads with Rachel. He tells her what his Uber driver said. He genuinely BEGS for another chance. And he gets NO WHERE. Rachel’s handling of this situation was a masterpiece. She very diplomatically bid him adieu. Allegedly DeMario's gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise and I LOVE IT.

Jonathan (aka Tickle Monster) and those hands are very PRECISELY why I love the second and third episode, y’all! They still are in the vicinity of things like the 99 Cent Store, so they can make things like this happen! They can send a PA to get a bunch of skin colored fabric, fifty eight thousand cotten balls and eighty one sharpies so they can draw lines on the hands. But seriously WHAT are these hands and why is this guy the wooooooorst. Honestly it's just making me mad that we're wasting screen time on this guy and not seeing Buster Bluth:

Give your brother a hand. 

I feel like Alex is going to go far. Wait. I mean Bryan. I confuse the two of them. Ok, ok. Alex is the Rubix Cube vaccum guy that’s obsessed with his Mom, and Bryan is the handsy chiropractor first impression rose guy. Got it.


YOU GUYS I REALLY WANT TO LIKE WILL BUT HE DID THE STEVE URKEL AND YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT POORLY EXECUTED SCHITCK. Ugh. Just needed to get my feelings out in all caps about it. 

This whole Blake and WaBoom thing. I want to break it down like it's a poetry exposition assignment in a high school English class or something. The whole thing is just so rich. I guess I'll start with my questions: 

- WaBoom is so sloshed right now, how could anyone take ANY of his words seriously? 

- Why was Rachel's primary concern about whether or not WaBoom FINISHED THE BANANA? 

- Was this whole thing made up? Were there other witnesses? Because Blake, aka Johnnie If-The-Glove-Don't-Fit Cochran rushes into the courtroom and explains that he's on a ketogenic diet and couldn't have POSSIBLY been eating a banana at the time of the murder! (or at the time of the alleged incident. Whatever.)

Seriously what are we supposed to say to this whole thing?! I need approximately 10 million years to get over it.

I have lost the ability to even. 

Roses went to: Bryan, Bryce (who?) Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, (But seriously who is Bryce?) Jack, Matt (Matt?) Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy.

Iggy is still sweating. I feel you, bro.

Who is that unkempt PA that we saw in the jacket during this confrontation right now? This living room wants answers!

THE WABOOM AND LUCAS CONFRONTATION.

It’s not about winning, it’s about the world. Go back to your garbage clown life. THIS ISN’T EVEN MY COMMENTARY IT’S ACTUAL STUFF THAT THEY ARE SAYING TO EACH OTHER. This is the America that we have inherited. Dudes say stuff like this to each other. I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ross had joined us in watching, at this point, as any good sport would do. And even though Katie and Lauren and I were shaking our heads, asking how this could even be happening, Ross very calmly pointed out “People… REALLY want to be famous.” 

Ross isn't wrong. 

Group Date: Ellen

Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred,

I’m so excited for Ellen to be on this date. She loves this show and America loves HER. And I already really like her opinion on Jonathan and Will. About the Tickle Monster she said "Oh I don't like that." And about Urkel she immediately goes, "Uh oh." Ellen is America's sweetheart. Also at this point Katie wisely pointed out what kind of crazy contract had to go down to get ABC and NBC to merge for this.

Alex decided to kiss and tell AND SO DID WILL and I am not here for it. 

Never!

Ok I saw this date a while ago and am SO upset that none of the guys went and danced up on Rachel!! This was their CHANCE! Like, if E'ER there was a chance to say "Can I steal you away?" THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN IT. (Speaking of "steal you away" did anyone else see the coverage of Trudeu and Macron's political bromance at the G7 summit? It was so delightful)

Please accept all my roses. 

I have a lot of questions about Alex’s pants. But he wants us to know that his nude selfie was classy. Mercy these guys are trashy. THERE IS NO SUCH THING, ALEXANDER.

I don’t know what on earth this left eye to left eye thing that Alex is talking about but I’m so into it. Have I told you guys how this show turned me into a body language expert? Seriously US Magazine could use me as an expert analyzer of body language. I’ve read over seven books on it, now and I’ve never heard of this left eye thing but I love it.

I’m telling you right now: Fred is gonna lay one on her, it’s gonna be awkward and she’s gonna send him home.

Ok now I really don’t know how to feel about the fact that Fred asked her if he coud kiss her… As we all know, “If you have to ask… you’ll never know.”

THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK THE ROSE WITH HER TO SEND FRED HOME IS SAVAGE. I still don’t even know how to use that term, but I think that was an ok implementation of it.

Eric says that Rachel is not emotionally vulnerable to him. Also am I missing something in my understanding that Eric has never been in a relationship before? I feel like the plot just thickened.

One on One: Rodeo Drive

Well we didn't even see anyone read the date card, but Anthony is ready to meet Rachel at the Rodeo. I feel like this date isn’t going to go well. Remember the Beverly Hills date that Sean Lowe had with that girl… what was her name? Leslie? It didn’t go well. Who is that poor rodeo dude bringing Rachel and Anthony and the horses into West? What kind of insurance did they possibly have to have to do to do this?? What a bummer that Anthony is on this date. He is such a snooze. I wonder what legality requires them to blur the equestrian fecal matter? Watching this date, I think I realize how bored Johnny must've been during every episode of Ben Higgins, because I am whining as vocally about my dissatisfaction with Anthony as Johnny did about Ben....

This date is giving me shades of Derek and JoJo and Jillian and Farmer Chris - remember when Jillian won that bridal obstacle course and she went on that awkward one on one date with Chris for like, fifteen minutes before he sent her home? Mercy. AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEND ANTHONY HOME!!

So glad they can have grocery store jazz up on this hillside. Seriously why did she give him a rose? Who even cares anymore?

Group Date: Mud Wrestling

Brady, Dean, Ab, (some dude named Ab? Update: Adam) Kenny, Bryce, Lee, Jack, Eric.

Eric is giving me first one on one date anxiety – where you get the first one on one date then you get really anxious about how things are going with the lead (see Ashley on Brad’s second season, or Frank on Ali’s season)

...But Eric has hardly had any one on one time with her. 

...Or even a girlfriend, apparently. 

This is nuts that they are bringing the girls on the bus with the guys. THEY ARE SOWING THE SEED FOR BACHELOR IN PARADISE AND THAT IS BOLD. I wouldn’t want Corinne to touch my man with a 29 ½ pole, mercy.

Pretty Boy Pit Buill is READY for this date. After he BARKED at the camera, Katie looked at me and said “He just did that. That just happened”

Ross asked, “What kind of wrestler are we talking about with this guy?” and I said “Whatever the not admirable one is. Like, I don't think he did WWE." (But what do I know?)

The ring leader… what do we call her? She is quintessential to this whole thing and I love it. What is the term for the person who rings the bell? Ring master? I feel like we're so far down the rabbit hole with this episode that I can't possibly be held accountable for knowing the proper term for a wrestling MC, but this woman is par for the course.

The final is Bryce vs. Kenny… Bryce needs to go back to Rivendale. (not Riverdale. Rivendale. You heard me) I'm bummed that Kenny didn't pull through, but so glad he felt comfortable enough to tell her he worked at Chip 'n Dale's. Chippin Dale? Chippin Dales? Shows you how many times I've been to Vegas...

STOP CALLING THEM YOUR GIRLS, RACHEL.
LAUREN: We know they’re not your friends.

Rose Ceremony:

I don’t even understand what happened in this exchange with Lee and Eric. Why is Eric raising his voice so loud? Don't get me wrong - I'm told that sometimes I yell in restaurants. Seriously, Big Daddy very routinely tells me to keep my voice down. I tell him it's all my fabulous stage training in projection. I should probably get my ears checked. But Eric is more intense than "get-your-ears-checked-cause-you're-projecting-at-Applebees" loud.

RACHEL: I wanted it to be deeper with the guys.
KATIE: Deeper than mud wrestling?

Again, the Eric and Iggy exchange… What is happening??

A very sage voice of reason in my life pointed out: “Iggy is like Sean Spicer trying to explain a Trump tweet. It just ain’t gonna happen.” And by “sage voice of reason” I mean “my brother.” Sometimes I’ll send Davey screenshots of my conversations with dudes and he’ll be like, “Well that’s nice, it just means Im’ma have to pull out the BB gun that’s in Mom and Dad’s closet if you try to bring this schmuck home at Thanksgiving..." if anyone can comment on dude behavior, it’s Davey. He also points out that in addition to unnecessarily inserting himself all over the place, Iggy's strange hair part can be seen from SPACE and he’s not wrong. Iggy is just so overproduced, but I’m obviously here for it. The producers have told him that the guys really need to hear from him, and so for whatever reason, he has inserted himself in not one, but TWO conversations and given unsolicited advice. And you know what they say about unsolicited advice? IT’S CRITICISM. (For more on this, you’ll have to refer to the chapter of my memoir where I detail the week that I spent at a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I am 110% not joking. It’ll be a worthwhile memoir, trust me,) 

I don't know why they're doing this "To Be Continued" garbage, but I'll try to get to the bottom of it. 

Until next week, if you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Husbands and Health Insurance

You guys know how I feel about the second episode. It is a wealth of good TV. They're still in Los Angeles so the group dates are really specific and strangely niche (see: scientists testing Ben Higgins' pheromones, or a museum of broken relationships) and there are still plenty of crazy dudes around so we get a lot of amazing soundbites. (See: WABOOM) 

A few announcements:

1) Still waiting on Jim Comey's testimony. Stoked. 

2) Oh, I cut off over 12 inches of my hair on a whim and I feel GREAT about it. I would encourage everyone to do the same. 

3) Did the Preds win the Stanley cup or no? #SportzGamez

The evening began with a phone call from esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Katie Bocksel. You might recognize her name from being the first one that is tagged in the Facebook post each week. She’s very famous. She also has a boyfriend who is Boyfriend of the Year. He is so invested in The Bachelor franchise in the most devoted way and he is here for ALL the right reasons. I told him that I would send him a medal for this prestigious award. I still have yet to make that medal. But I’m announcing it here to keep me accountable. This Bud's for you, Patrick.

Katie informed me that not only was WaBoom pretty mellow on the date, but she said that the basketball group date was a LOT and I needed to be prepared for it. 

So glad Rachel’s dog can help her get ready. But seriously are we gonna get an explanation about his gimp condition? AMERICA WANTS ANSWERS. (This Living Room does, anyway) I wonder how much extra they had to shell out to allow Copper to stay at this Westlake Hotel cause he looks like he is a SHEDDER. 

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Hare explains the layout of the week to the men. As if no one has ever seen this show before. As if none of these men even own TVs. DeMario talks about how nice Rachel smells… What is this, a camp cabin time?

Group Date: Husband Material

 Dean, Jack, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Jamey, Fred, Lucas 

In the house, the dudes seem to be into the Waboom thing, honestly. I don't know why they're giving that guy the time of day. Which mostly reminds me of why I love dudes. You guys remember the bus of dudes on that group date with JoJo where they were freestyle rapping? Dudes are the greatest. 

Rachel is 100% not grilling ANYTHING on this grill right now. Craft Services is probably real upset that they aren't getting credit. I don’t understand why Westlake Village is sponsoring the Bachelorette this season, but I’m here for it. 

Blake is not having any of WaBoom right now. And I’m really not having any of the fact that WaBoom has covered his ENTIRE face in orange foundation.

Carolyn’s and my reaction to seeing Ashton Kutcher is like the girls seeing the Backstreet Boys last season. THIS MAN IS AGING LIKE A FINE WINE and is an inspiration to Dads everywhere. 

This baby/husbandry obstacle course is everything. This is a masterpiece of production. The producers outdit themselves on this one. THE HAIR ROPE WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING,

So glad that Mila is interested in men that have jobs and health insurance. Did I tell you guys that I proposed to the Kroger pharmacist last week, just for his healthcare? I was picking up a prescription for my Mom and pulled out my card and he says, "Oh, it's free." And I was like, "That's because they've already met their deductible because they're not young single women." And he was like, "Well that's a benefit to being married, I guess." And I said, "That, credit card points, and getting through all your groceries are my top three reasons to be talked into matrimony. I can't go through a thing of green onions by myself before they go bad!" He goes, "Me neither!" I responded, "Will you marry me? Jk don't worry, I won't make you do that, I don't live here. Can I buy these sugar cookies at this counter though? Thanks!" 

Totally kidding. No one asks me this. 

I love how seriously Mila explains “WaBoom” to Ashton. THEY ARE PROOF THAT TRUE LOVE IS REAL. WaBoom proceeds to win the obstacle course. I don't think anyone saw that coming. And honestly if I were Rachel, I'd be like, "Cool, but you ignored the rules of engagement. You don't get a medal." SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME INTEGRITY UP IN HERE.  

Rachel and WaBoom’s chemistry is worse than my chemistry with gluten free bagels... And I am so unmoved by poetry, honestly. Wait – just poetry on this show. We have NEVER heard a good poem on this show. Never once. I don't know how the Bachelorette manages to get emotional every time about some sloppy words! JoJo loved the bad poems. It's so weird. 

I also love that WaBoom can’t differentiate between WaBoom and Lucas. Very Lady Gaga of him.

Look, I'm not going to lie, I kind of really love Fred. She should give him a chance!!

Y'all Iggy is so sweaty!!! Why didn’t a PA dab off that sweat? MERCY. 

Rachel's lipstick job is a dead giveaway that she has clearly sucked face with someone by the time she's talking to Blake, but we don’t know who it is… My money is on Dean.

OMG BLAKE IS TELLING WABOOM THAT HE TOLD RACHEL HE’S HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS! He has done it so immediately after talking to Rachel! This is kind of unprecedented. Usually it comes up a few episodes later, but Blake is putting it all out there. 

Spoiler alert: they're not showing hearts... 

Y’all Dean, is so cute. Apparently he wasn’t the one with whom she has sucked face, so who is it?!?!

Ohhh we see Kenny go back to her and we are at pre-face suck… What is going on, you guys???

OH IT WAS DEAN, POST ROSE. OH HE HAS LIPSTICK EVERYWHERE. But that still doesn't explain why her lipstick was smeared earlier? I NEED SOME CHRONOLOGY UP IN HERE. 

One on One: Peter

Let me kick off this date by saying that I got one text from Gran this evening. It said “Hello, Peter.” Like Mother, like daughter. Peter looks like Dean’s older brother and I’m here for it.

BARKFESSSSTTTTT!!!! Get me there IMMEDIATELY. You know who loves dogs? Big Daddy. I’m just joking. He tells me how Catie pees on the rug like, everyday. But they’re still besties.

Also product placement for Curtis Sittenfeld's "Eligible"  

Sidenote: Did you guys see that commercial for the University of Phoenix? Some intense CGI thing set to an acoustic version of the Cranberries? That was crazy. Moving on. 

OMG LOOK AT PETER AND THAT DOUBLE BREASTED BLAZER I AM SLAIN PETER WILL YOU MARRY ME. Johnny Langan isn’t here tonight but he would be seriously holding a candle to my backside, ROASTING me for being so obsessed with Peter. (update: He texted me as he watched this morning and said "I caught about 12 seconds of that snoozefest one on one date") 

Also Copper must be very exhausted – what are her union rules on this shoot? And she LOVES Peter (you see her lying by his side at the dinner table?) and I’m here for her dog sense about him.

Look, between these gap teeth and Rachel and Peter both seeing a therapist in the same year… is it possible that they’re not soulmates but siblings separated at birth? Can we look into that?  (One time there was a couple that got married, only to find out they were brother and sister. I’m not lying. Google it)

Group Date: Swish

Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

The way that we’re seeing this footage of DeMario talking about how he has what it takes and he’s confident like Derek Jeter… He must be the one with the girlfriend.

Clearly Rachel is NOT a good shot because we never see a continuous take of her making a basket. Just taking a shot, and then we cut to the ball going in the hoop, an obvious shot by a PA. Probably the same PA that had to jam a hair rope down a freestanding sink for the Husbandry Obstacle Course. 

Let me be clear: Big Daddy is pretty tall. He’s almost 6’6”. However, Kareem Abdul Jabbar puts Big Daddy to SHAME. I’d honestly really like to see KAJ in a game of Gotcha with Jim Comey. 

Mila and Ashton coming on the show and making everything about love is one thing. BUT KAREEM MAKING BASKETBALL ABOUT LOVE IS NEXT LEVEL.

I love this crowd of high schoolers. And I love that Chris Harrison has turned into a professional wrestling commentator as he introduces "Raaaaachel Lindsaaaaay." 

Not only is Lee not good at basketball, he is looking puffy AF. So I think he’s just drinking… all the things. And not water. I think that's why we got some weird soundbites from him in the mansion earlier. And I bet they're setting us up for when he says some really outlandish stuff next week (or is it the week after? Looks like he gets into it with Eric) 

Loved that one shot of the marching band kid. I wanna see more of him. I also love how willing Rachel is to get into everything. The Bark Fest, the Marching Band, the Cheerleaders. I’m here for it.

I keep thinking I like Will and then I remember he did that Steve Urkel thing to which I will quote Fitzwilliam Darcy: "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." 

DeMario's ex-girlfriend is one of the greatest things to ever hit this show. I love how she was SO ready to deliver her karma line and get her fifteen seconds of fame. You go, Glen Coco. Drop your bombshell line, girl. Get your 500 new Instagram followers. Keep it up.

We had to rewind that moment where DeMario saw her EIGHT times. It is so good. "Whoa, whoa, who's this?" 

This was some GREAT TV

DeMario having his arms crossed during this whole conversation is NOT boding well. I mean, this ex-girlfriend DOES seem way crazier than that girlfriend who came on Dez’s season to come after… Bryan? Wasn’t it a girl who had a son named Brady? Hold please – I feel like I titled a blog post about him. DONOVAN. His name was Donovan. I was close. 

The girlfriend's timeline vs. DeMario's timeline vs. Rachel's questions... none of it made any sense. I do want to point out that if this had been one of the backseat guys like Lee or someone, Rachel wouldn't be that upset. But because it was a dude who she had kind of been talking about ALL DAY, and let herself be vulnerable about, I bet it hit harder than she cared to admit. 

MOVING ON. 

I love that they shut down Clifton’s for the night, after the basketball game. Has anyone been there? It is so cool. It used to be a food court for all the businesses downtown and now it’s just a really cool bar. (I don’t know bars in downtown LA, I don’t know why I happen to know that one. I’m just not that trendy)

Why is she sitting on the opposite end of the couch from that guy? What is his name, even? (Update: Jamey. I don't know why his name is spelled that way and I'm not into it) 

The end of this day was SUCH an opportunity for a guy to swoop in and play the savior. Remember when JP came to Ashley’s rescue after Bentley left? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME, YOU GUYS.

   
ROSE CEREMONY:

Look, I’m all about a good massage and a good chiropractic appointment, but not in an evening gown and not with a face down. It's gonna leave such a mark on her face!! Mercy. 

I love that they call that guy Paulie, who was the security guy they brought out for Chad. This guy is excellent. Now DeMario is telling Harrison that his character has been assassinated. I love everything. 

Ohhhhh they're doing that thing where the rose ceremony comes at the beginning of the episode. I wonder why. I'll try and get to the bottom of it. So excited for the guys to confront DeMario at the top of the next episode. Also real excited for DeMario on the Men Tell All. 

In the meantime... if you're a bird, I'm a bird.

Let the Circus Begin....

Look, first things first: I'm still hung up about Nick and Vanessa's AFTR. They were more awkward than Emily and Brad and I refuse to be over it.

Also HELLO I AM MOVING TO DENVER BECAUSE BEN HIGGINS IS SINGLE, YOU GUYS. Seriously WHERE do I sign up.

For those of you that don't follow me on Instagram (I'm not peddling Fab Fit Fun boxes, don't worry) but you should check out my story before it disappears forever... Got some solid commentary from Big Daddy tonight.

Since I run everything like it’s a church service, let’s start with some announcements:

1) I’m watching from home this week – home in the heartland. Gran had a knee replacement so I came to help her convalesce. (ie: buy rich people guac from Whole Foods and watch NCIS: Los Angeles with her. Seriously – we’ve watched so many episodes.)

2) Saturday night was Bobby Moynihan’s last episode of SNL. So it was the final Drunk Uncle on Weekend Update. My feelings about it are as follows:

Gone but not forgotten. 

3) Anyone else as excited about Jim Comey’s upcoming testimony as I am?

Living for it.

4) Quick shout out about the latest new name for Bachelor in Paradise – y’all know my friend Kimberly that I sometimes rave about on here? Her mom, Barbara, was in town a few weeks ago and naturally she and I were discussing Nick Viall and Barbara goes “I mean Nick has been on so many shows! He was on Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelorette, The Bachelorette again, and then that show… Everybody In the Pool… So many shows!” Kimberly and I said… “Do you mean Bachelor in Paradise?” And she said “Well whatever it’s called, where they get everyone drunk and put them in the pool!”

….Touché.

INTRO:

We are greeted on the freshly watered driveway of the Bachelor Mansion, as Hare tells us that we’ve never seen an outpouring of love like they did for Rachel Lindsay… OMG HER STAGED COURT APPEARANCE IS SO BAD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. Delighted that Rachel got to bring her pup along for this ride. But what is going on with this cast on his leg? I love that she feels like she’s in the movie Clueless… while she’s driving a Tesla.

Cher had never heard of Nikola Tesla. 

Guy Intros:

Wrestler Kenny

Texas Attorney

Meathead Alex

Start Up Mohit – I feel GREAT about his Bollywood dancing.

Lucas Waboom – STAHP. (the producers must love this guy)

Personal Trainer Blake – so much sex!

Chicago Diggy – I hope to one day own as many Vibrams as he owns sneakers.

Prosecutor Josiah – When he goes “My name is Josiah, I’m a prosecutor…” Gran burst out laughing and goes “I thought he was gonna say ‘I’m a prostitute.’” 

At the Bachelor mansion, we see all of the girls who we needed to be reminded of before Everybody In the Pool this summer, Raven cries. Astrid really wants America to remember her. They won't. Sorry, 'Trid. 

GRAN: There's so much alcohol at these things!

GRACE: How else do you think they get a dude to run around with a bullhorn? 

Limo Exits:

- Peter: Whoaaaaa I LOVE Peter. He is SMOOOOOTH. 

- Josiah: nice blazer, brah. Came out with a legal joke. Not necessary. 

- Bryan: Bryan comes from Corinne's neck of the woods. Maybe they can shop for expensive clothes together. 

- Kenny: Oh I kind of liked his intro with the dance move. Charming. 

- Rob: Law student. Gran is really worried that he is taking time off of law school to do the show... 

- Iggy: Iggy was not wearing socks. 

- Bryce: Fire fighter. 

- Will: Steve Urkel - DON'T. 

- Diggy wants to teach her how to Diggy. DON'T. 

- Kyle - food in a basket? 

- Blake K - Thank you for your service, Blake. 

- Brady - male model. just had to "break the ice." Even Big Daddy wasn't into it:

He said they're all tools. 

- Dean: "once you go black-" DON'T. 

- Eric - Big Daddy didn't like the dancing 

- DeMario - still got those tickets in his coat pocket. He thinks he's going all the way. 

- Sex Guy Blake brought a marching band. And he loves sex. And he loves telling you how much he loves it. And he has bad puns. 

At this point, during a commercial, I finally allowed Granny and Big Daddy to speak. They are under strict orders not to speak during the show because I have to catch every word. I had to explain to BD what "Once you go black, you never go back" meant... It went about as well as you would think. 

-Fred: kind of love this dude that went to school with her. 

- Jonathan: his career is "Tickle Monster." Oy vey. 

- Lee: Lee has clearly never held a guitar in his life. (also obligatory shout out to my favorite guy from Ashley Herbert's season who came in playing the guitar, threw it in the pool and said "Just kidding, I totally don't play guitar..." She eliminated him that night! Whatta loss) 

- Alex: Alex had a vacum and I don't even know what he said. 

- I didn't get Polaroid guy's name. But I noticed that he shook Peter's hand and Peter is my favorite. 

- Adam: Brought Adam Jr. Coulda done without that. 

- Matt: Matt came out in a penguin suit and at that point, Big Daddy walked out of the room and put himself to bed. 

- Ambulance Guy: No.

-  Anthony: Wants to understand her? 

- Jamey: Just told her how ridiculous her dress was? 

- Jack Stone... is that a package deal on the name? 

- Jedidiah - ...is bringing out the Biblical references. 

- Michael: something poorly executed about a brownie? 

- Lucas: the only thing I have to say is that Rachel handled this guy like a CHAMPION. Also wonderful sidenote about the fact that I'm pretty sure that even this dude himself isn't sure of his brand. Like, Courtney Roberts knew she was the sultry villain on Ben Flajnik's season. Corinne was the ditzy, slutty villian last season... But what IS this guy? It's not even like "WaBoom" is a protein powder or something he can sell or anything (although there ARE t-shirts) and even though he was talked about on the radio and the late night circuits, it doesn't seem like he has much staying power if he's not actually selling anything. Stay tuned. 

I don't hate Josiah. Dean wants to build a sand castle with Rachel and I'm bored. But my first crush was named Dean, so I'm here for it. 

Can I just take a moment to mention all the smells that must plague The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the premiere? Like, you're looking at an overload of perfume and aftershave, because everyone wants to make a memorable first impression, Then you get sweaty people because nerves are running high, which means that if someone doesn't smell so great, you will KNOW.  

I like Bryan. I don't know why Rachel has her arms crossed right now in this conversation with him. OHHHHH HE WENT IN FOR THE KISS! Preemptive, Bryan!!! Goodness. 

I love that Rachel was warned about DeMario but she's like, "Yeah, nah, I'm gonna decide for myself, no thanks." Also the dudes have now formed a LINE to talk to her. And now she's talking to Peter and Waboom is distracting them. And now Blake is already ready to call out Waboom. I don't care how crazy Waboom is, Blake is by far and away the WORST dude of this episode. 

First Impression Rose went to Miami Kisser Bryan. Meh. 

Roses went to: Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, , Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake, Lucas. 

Roses didn't go to... The law student, Mohit, Kyle, Blake, Milton and... some others? 

Oh also the Preds are going to the Stanley Cup. And as Donald Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Sports Games, I should probably be more enthused. 

Honestly if I lived in Nashville, I'd start a podcast where I'd make Big Daddy watch the show and then just get his opinion on all the guys. Especially because "Southern Baby Boomers" is a demographic that doesn't usually comment on this franchise. So excited for this season. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.... 

YOU DANCING FOOL!

First things first (not to make it all about me, but to make it all about me) I had the most delightful birthday last week. Every single person made it so special and there were so many Bachelor references everywhere and I love every single thing about it. You guys are the MOST delightful. 

MOVING ON...

We open with Chris Harrison telling the live studio audience that Nick… is at a crossroads… at the end of his journey. I’m not a geographical expert... But I’m pretty sure these things don’t go together. Strong start, Hare.

Better question: Is Ivanka Trump in the audience? Is Tiffany Trump? Cause it sure looks like it. This is a sea of basic blondes.

I definitely have a problem with Chris Harrison telling us that “Nick has to choose between two beautiful women…” How about two incredible women? Two… wonderful women, even? COME ON, HARE.

Really quick, very real memo from the remote Living Room Peanut Gallery about meeting the family:

John and Shannon def don't cry that much tho

RAVEN MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I have no idea where in Finland they are, right now. I’ve never seen those letters together before. Not even crammed up in my mind when I’m pathetically trying to figure out Wheel of Fortune.

A few questions about the family dinner: dynamics aside, are they eating… chicken and… hollandaise sauce? What is Bella drinking? That is 100% a glass of red in her hand.

I love that Bachelor Nation has witnessed the entire maturation of Nick’s sister Bella. We have been watching her on national TV since she was three.

I also always forget that it’s so easy to see that Nick gets his waterworks from his Mama. Hey, I get it – DO NOT talk to Lou Douglas about the episode of NCIS when Ziva’s Dad died… And how she made me GOOGLE TRANSLATE what Tony said to Ziva after the funeral, while she was bawling. I swear she was crying for days.

I need to express my discontent with both Raven and Vanessa for their mascara jobs, on these dates. Those lashes are CLUMPY. Less is more, ladies!

I’m unmoved by Raven meeting his family. But clearly Nick and Raven did plenty of MOVING because they’re covered in snow as they say goodbye to each other right now… Why are they always rolling around? What is it with these two?

VANESSA MEETS THE PARENTS: 

I’m surprised that Vanessa wore cargo pants this outing to meet Nick's parents. Probably to hold all her emotional baggage.

We had to take a break because Johnny walked in… With a vase of roses. There are a couple ways to my heart, but relevant shoutouts to my favorite things are one of them:

JOHNNY: Did you know that today is international nap day? Fitting, during this guy’s season. HE’S A SNOOZER, DOUGLAS. A TURTLENECK-WEARING SNOOZER.

Vanessa meets his family, carrying all that emotional baggage... This moment between Vanessa and Papa Viall is kind of endearing. But I’m still mad about her clumpy mascara. EVEN BELLA’S MASCARA IS LESS CLUMPY.

Sidenote: I’m kind of disappointed in the quality of chairs that they have on the ground floor of this live taping right now…They are giving me C grade Church Basement chairs...  

FINAL DATES AS NICK'S GIRLFRIEND: (Their words, not mine) 

Honestly, if I were Vanessa and I saw the two horses, I’d be like, “Are we reenacting the final scene from The Revenant? EPICCC.”

...No? Am I the only one? Is this why I'm still single?

Vanessa is more excited to see Santa than she has been for anything else this season. I come to understand that Santa does, in fact, speak English, (although you know I love subtitles) except now I’m wondering if they dubbed over him, because we definitely can’t see his mouth.

SANTA: This gift is for you.…
JOHNNY: It’s “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac. On vinyl.

....instead it looked like something out of an eighth grade art class. (I mean, from one of the good art students, not from an eighth grade Grace Douglas art student....) 

I’m so upset that they talked Vanessa into doing this whole comparison of Santa Claus and love…

Mercy.

Did Nick just say that he doesn’t care how this turns out? I'm kind of too bored by their conversation to care. Vanessa's mascara job is a little better today, but still pretty clumpy. 

Vanessa tells Nick that she wants answers. She doesn’t want him to give her general responses… But has she actually asked him any questions? If I got a dollar every time Vanessa has said “Going into… this/today/the date…” I’d no longer be packing my lunch to eat at work everyday. (Totally kidding, I’ll always pack my lunch – CAN I GET AN AMEN, KATHERYN RUPERT?!) It seems like Vanessa just wants to know if Nick is gonna propose to her. Which is fair. But them going around in circles during this conversation right now is boring to me. 

OH NO SHE’S CRY KISSING. MAYDAAAAAY.  

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

Vanessa, if your gut is telling you to question things, LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Honestly. This is not difficult. But I’m glad that at least her still-kinda-clumpy mascara is waterproof. 

We are beginning the date with Raven and Johnny has JUST figured out that they are in Finland. 

JOHNNY: They’re in Finland?!
GRACE: Seriously WHERE did you think they were? 
JOHNNY: I dunno… Milwaukee? Minnesota? I don’t know…
GRACE: You thought there was a Santa not speaking in English in Minnesota? 
JOHNNY: Well I just thought it was some place really lame and cheesy! Look at them skating right now… Imagine if they skated straight into a Sixpence None the Richer concert. 

We all agree that Raven and Nick have chemistry… but we kind of wonder who WOULDN’T have chemistry with Raven, because she’s so charming and silly. Vanessa is just so... difficult, it seems. 

THESE HUSKY PUPPIES ARE EVERYTHING DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW. 

Raven definitely does a better job of asking Nick ACTUAL questions than Vanessa does. And while I’m thinking about Vanessa… Where was her post-season gift for Nick? Where is Raven’s gift for Nick? What is this show right now? Looks like he just tried to take a bite of Raven's hand. Probably in aggression that she didn’t give her a gift. Sheesh. 

We took about twenty minutes to pause, rewind, pause and rewind again to observe the studio audience. Did you guys see the girl in the polka dotted dress that looked directly at the camera with intention? 

TWO THUMBS WAY, WAY UP. 

We are getting a full on Neil Lane infomercial right now. QUICK ANNUAL REMINDER: I don’t want a big rock, ok? Don’t let him give me a big rock! #FatFingers

Glad that Raven is in a floor length fur coat. Know what we call that in my family? My great grandmother had a mink coat and Davey, who was 2 years old at the time, toddled up to it, gave it a pat and declared “kitty!” So Raven is wearing a kitty.

Johnny points out that we need to acknowledge that no final rose ceremony location will compare to the one in Farmer Chris’s serial killer barn… Althought this rose ceremony room definitely provided the Lapland Michael's with the most business that they’ve had in YEARS. Johnny summarized it best as “Get all the dead things in Finland that you can and stick them in a room.”

Raven starts her spiel… And everyone is cringing. Honestly, if I started giving my spiel, I’d look at him, read his reaction and be like, “Oh, it’s not me, is it? Should I go?” Also let’s acknowledge how much makeup Nick is wearing right now? Goodness.

Oh she knows. Raven knows. And we see that she knows. You know what? Let’s clap it up for Ray-van because her mascara has FINALLY gotten itself together on her face. Nick tells her he’s going to miss her and she pulls a Han Solo and says “I know.” She then proceeded to walk out the door without her kitty. Brrrrr. But what a classy broad.

In the rejection limo Rayven asks “Why even look for love if it’s not possible?” SHE IS TWENTY FIVE.

Now all I can think about as Nick starts his spiel to Vanessa is… “Why doesn’t she have to give him a spiel first?” Also why has Nick been fighting falling in love with Vanessa? (I don’t know why I put that first question in quotations, but I’m letting it happen) Has there ever been so much crying at a rose ceremony? Well… aside from JoJo. But that was a single-handed delivery, on her part. We also can’t figure out why Nick has to pick up these women so much… Does he need to prove he can carry them? Mercy. 

Here are a few thoughts on Nick: I loved him on Andi's season. I loved him on Kaitlyn's season. I loved him on Bachelor In Paradise. I think he's one of the more interesting humans to be on the show - COMPARATIVELY, ok? Think about Marine Alex from JoJo's season... Or Jared from Kaitlyn's season... THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING INTERESTING. (I don't care how much Ashley I wants to cry her eyes out about Jared. He's dull. And the poem he wrote for Kaitlyn was terrible.) So I guess I mostly liked Nick cause he was interesting.But then he suffered from that Bachelor overexposure, where watching him becomes, "If I have to hear him analyze one more emotion, I'm gonna pull my hair out..." It doesn't help that he's a pretty analytical, in-his-head kind of guy, and let's face it: hearing someone parse their own emotions night after night gets kind of dull.

And finally: who's to say why he did the show. I don't know him. I can't rule whether he was in it for (literally) Love or Money. (Did anyone ever watch that show on NBC? Cause it was so good) The only thing I have to say about him being in it for the money is: HE IS THIRTY SIX! Why doesn't he even have a real job? Why hasn't he been able to find love? Basically what I'm saying is that Nick's life stresses me out almost as much as the Super Bowl Halftime show, right now...

After The Final Rose:

So Nick sits down with Hare... Anyone else thing that it wasn’t AT ALL convincing when Nick said “Yeah… Things are good?” This is weird.

Raven has opted to wear a nightgown, tonight. But she definitely got a spray tan. And her hair looks immaculate. And without ANY hesitation, she agrees to do BIP. Great. I bet she'll have some delightful one-liners...

Then Vanessa comes out... In a terrible 1994 Homecoming dress from Dillard's. Honestly, I respect that she didn’t watch the fantasy suites… Cause that’s not how I roll. But more power to her, for being able to resist the temptation to know how those dates went...

Guys… Vanessa and Nick are going to break up so fast. I haven’t seen a couple this tense since Brad Womack and Emily Maynard. He definitely doesn’t have his arm around her. They’re kind of holding hands, but they’re really not sitting that close together. Their bodies aren't even touching! So many pursed lips from both of them. They’re both touching their faces WAY more than the contestants usually do at this point – this is a self-soothing gesture that people do when they’re uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure he’s fiddling with his tie right now. Goodness. BODY LANGUAGE IS EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

THANK GOODNESS RACHEL IS COMING OUT TO SAVE THE DAY. WHEW! 

Loving her jumpsuit right now. At this point, Johnny and I are getting in an aggressive argument about whether or not Chris Harrison’s tie matches his pocket square. I think they’re the same. Johnny thinks they’re not. Then he got nasty: “It’s JUST close enough that PEOPLE LIKE YOU will think they’re the same. But they’re different.” I then consulted Bachelor designer Cary Fetman, found out it was a Mimi Fong tie, but no word on the pocket squares… You guys have any thoughts?

OMG BRINGING OUT THESE GUYS RIGHT NOW I’M NOT READY WHAT IS HAPPENING??!

DeMario – NO.

Blake – NO. (Blake is a terrible combo of Farmer Chris and Swimmer Woman Robby)

Dean – best so far, but like… still a baby. OMG WAIT I TAKE IT ALL BACK "READY TO GO BLACK?!?!?!" HE WENT THERE. Oh my goodness.

Ok wait what was that fourth guy’s name? We love him.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR HER SEASON ALREADY BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE MONTH AND A HALF!! 

Predictions on how long Vick will last? (Vick? Nessa? Nanessa? Eh?) Will they split before the season premiere of Rachel's show? I can't wait. 

Until then, 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...