Not Here For Her. I'm Here For US.

In her opening spiel, Kaitlyn tells us "I never thought I'd get a second chance at love..."

Oh. Really.

I do believe the proper sentiment would have been "I never thought I'd get a second chance at love... ON NATIONAL TV."

This post is dedicated to one of my nearest and dearest, J. F. Grano. In addition to being one of my nearest and dearest, and just a huge fan in general, Jessica has a 7 year old daughter, Izzie, that I'm pretty sure is my spirit animal. After they watched the Dancing with the Stars finale last week, her kids saw the first couple of minutes of The Bachelorette. Her oldest daughter rolled her eyes at the premise. Izzie, however, was sucked in from the first second, and declared that this was basically the best show that could have ever been conceived by anyone, ever. And all day on Tuesday she kept asking, "When can we watch more of that amazing show that we saw last night??"

Here's to you, Jessica! 

Legal disclaimer: None of this is meant to be slander. Just meant to be funny. In case NO ONE has been paying ANY attention, I live to draw a good chuckle from my fellow man. And in case any of our friends at home were wondering, my quest to be the favorite of EVERYONE is still on-going. This weekend I went to a birthday party for a colleague and on the way out, one of his friends said goodbye to my co-worker Levi and remarked, "So let's do some rock-climbing soon, yeah?"I immediately stepped in front of Levi and said to this man (whom I barely knew) "Yes, but you should take ME rock climbing, because I'm... the best. So forget Levi. Focus on Grace."

(And now the answer to your subsequent question is yes, it IS exhausting to pursue being a constant favorite. Egg-zausting.)


Moving on, quick question: have we ever seen Chris Harrison take a drink of a beverage, EVER? I’m not sure what to make out of America’s favorite host taking a giant swig out of a Ball jar as he talks to our Bachelorette… We see footage of him talking to Kaitlyn, interspersed with footage of the guys (also worth noting that the dentist has now been named "Cupcake." I'm into it.) We see Vin Diesel offering a mimosa toast... I'm into that, too.

Hare talks to Kaitlyn about moving forward as The Bachelorette, but of course, he turns the topic to Britt... Cue "All By Myself," as we see America's second favorite Bachelorette crying alone on her hotel bed (again the BREACH OF CONTRACT with that phone call to Mama...) when lo and behold, who knocks on the door?

Tom Brady.

Brady’s pants are too tight. That is the first thing I have to say. Second thing I have to say is that Britt had a copy of Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling on top of her stack of… journals? Contracts? Whatever that stack o' papers was, she had a copy of the devotional book that out-sold Fifty Shades of Grey in 2013 on top of it. Good work, B.

Group Date:

Daniel, Justin, Jared Corey Tanner Ben H, Ben Z, and Kupah
“I see this ending with a ring”

Observations:
- The sound effects of fists hitting the punching bag, in the set up footage of the date… #ThankTheInterns

- Loving the dramatic build up to revealing Laila Ali, hoodie and all… Also loving how they’re setting up a romance between Laila and Kupah. Am I wrong?

- Ohhh there’s the token line from Laila about how boxing is like love…

- I need the record to show like Tanner more and more, each time we see him.

- Anyone remember that photo editing program called “Picasso?” You could give rosy hues to photos, or soften the edges… THAT’S what I think they used to put the line of dudes in slow motion as they walked into the boxing ring. #Internz #ThanksToOurSponsors #Everlast #EverlastingLove

- Dudes fighting each other… Wait - dudes doing ANYTHING that stirs up massive levels of testosterone in the presence of a lady… The worst idea EVER. Seriously they are all going to end up dead. And this isn't even weird olive oil fighting, like it was on Ali's season, it's just straight up HITTING each other...

- Clearly Kaitlyn has no memory of hearing that what’s-his-face had a kid named Aurelius. I distinctly remember remarking on that last week... (Obviously the kid's name made more of an impression on me than the dude's name. Turns out it was Justin.)

- Personally, I wouldn’t have opened that note in front of the Nashville fashion designer. But I'm betting they waited until she was mid-conversation to deliver it to her. Either way, I hope Amy Shumer is the one that’s downstairs. Oh… it’s hopsital-released Jared. Kaitlyn described their kiss as "hott." This guy is in neon yellow shorts and converses, and apparently their kiss was "hot…" (I KNOW this is coming from the girl who owns two sets of Vibram Five Finger Shoes, but I'm JUST saying...)

Questions I have:

- Just one: why are Kaitlyn’s eyes so puffy? I mean those are some first class, grade A, I-stayed-up-ALL-night-crying Puffy Eyes. Am I wrong? 

Memorable Quotes:

- “My idea of going to the gym is sitting in the steam room for thirty minutes…” TANNER. I ENDORSE ALL OF YOU.

I'll sauna while you steam... 

- “Ben Z. makes me feel... like myself.” While I WOULD like to see a little more variation in Ben’s smooching (SAID IT!) but I’m not mad about this sentiment. Ben Z. got the rose.


One on One Date: 
Clint… You take my breath away

Nailed it. 

Can we take a moment to acknowledge that I have no idea who Clint is? I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t VERY familiar with who went on the first one on one… Ohhhhh wait. This is the guy who drew Hare on a dinosaur. Ok, ok, I'm back on track...

Observations:

- While she leads them through warm up/breathing exercises, all I can think is that this photographer needs to take some lessons from the sex therapist. Speaking of sex therapist, if Carly ISN'T on Bachelor in Paradise, Im'ma have things ta SAY.

- So we learn that Clint is a man of a few words… I like that Kaitlyn remarked that he brings out her romantic side, but… he really just has so very few words… So few.

Questions I have:

- Did anybody else see Clint getting kind of handsy with the photographer?

- Any girl who’s worn anything strapless near ANY body of water will share my question: How many nip-slips were there in those strapless dresses? THE STRUGGLE IS SO REAL.

- Ok I’m SORRY to be the one to ask, but is that a massive zit on Clint’s neck? Or a bug bite? Whatever. He got a rose.

Memorable quotes:

- “Love is selfless. Love is given. It’s not something you have to fight for.” Spiritual Gangsta Tony isn’t even on this date, but BOY is he lighting up the night with his insights right now…

Group Date: 
JJ, Jonathan, Joshua Chris, Ian, Joe, Tony
"Stand Up for Love"

SHUT UP for love. 

Observations:

- Quick story about Amy Schumer: one time I made my parents watch a clip from Inside Amy Schumer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGXnlFLC0Ck it pretty much sums up my problem with everyone I know. A few weeks later, Big Daddy called me and said “I was listening to NPR and that friend of yours was on there…”

Grace: Allison Norris? (The only friend I have who would be on NPR)

Big Daddy: No that friend who is a writer…

Grace: That friend who is a writer…?

BD: Yeah, I think her name is Amy?

Grace: Dad, I have zero friends named Amy that are writers…

BD: You know the one who you showed us that funny sketch that she did…

Grace: OHHHHHH AMY SCHUMER.

BD: Yes! Her!

...needless to say: So so glad “my friend Amy” got some air time, tonight.

- Yaaaaaassss ladies!! Loving all these female mentors. GET IT, WOMEN.

- Honestly I was pretty disappointed by Tony’s piece… They set us up for him to be SO bad and he just kind of... was there. Of course, we truly have no idea how any of the acts were received, because they could have completely cut and pasted that laughter into different sequences, but I was still expecting WAY weirder stuff from Tony...

Memorable quotes:

- “Nightmare Fuel “ and “Tony is bringing his own demise…” are two verbal gems that we have from JJ… I still don’t think I like JJ, but I don’t think I hate the way he speaks…

- Just for the record, Tony has said “Surprise, surprise” THREE times now. And we're not even ON the date yet.

- “Is she supportive?” Tony earnestly asks Justin (who still has his shades on his head even though the sun went down LONG ago). “Cause I’m intense… and I think what I’m really looking for is for her to be open tomorrow…” and then he called her Britt. I hope this guy gets a LOT of air time.

-  My friend Amy, to Kaitlyn: “Be honest with me… we’re sisters, now. So if I hook up with two of the guys… Would you be mad?”

- My friend Amy, on JJ: “Maybe when he gets a chance to see the show he’ll reflect on himself a little bit and not be such a turd…”

- Let us note: Welder is a "love-virgin." His words, not mine.

- “I’m not here for her. I’m here for US.” I have no idea where Tony is going with ANY of this speech right now… Apparently neither does Kentucky Joe…


Questions I have:

- Why does JJ live with his parents? Isn’t he an Investment Banker? So glad my friend Amy reacted to him the way that she did...

- I liked JJ for the fifteen seconds that he was talking about his daughter. But then he said he’d lay fifty grand on the fact that he was getting a rose… HEY JJ, WHY DON’T YOU PUT THAT FIFTY GRAND TOWARDS A HOUSE??!

Cocktail party:

- Whoaaaa that dress of Kaitlyn's. That's a lot. (or LACK OF a lot, as it were...)

- I need everyone to note that we are calling JJ’s behavior a “power move.” Not “swooping” or “getting a target on his back,” but a “power move.”

- So Ian shared his story about the car accident… AND THEN HAD THE SMOOTHEST SEGUE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW. (So smooth that I don’t really remember it, but it was something about how he "gave his all" when he was getting better, and he's "giving his all" right now with Kaitlyn... I wholeheartedly endorse Kaitlyn's description of "being beside herself at this human being.")

- Ok but then Kaitlyn and Kupah’s conversation DIEEEEEE... Just to be clear: NO ONE got an easy out, in this instance. Everyone had to keep putting feet into mouths. Kaitlyn had to defend herself. Kupah had to defend himself. Kaitlyn had to tell him she needed some time, because she was obviously too uncomfortable to send him home right then... Ohhhh but then she overheard him. And dragged him out front (why were his suspenders down?) Upon her declaration that he needed to go home, he responded with: “I don’t wanna go home. You’re hot.”

No show will ever be greater than this show. 

And since I was watching in real time (reminder: TV to converter box to antennae by the window) I have a few commercials upon which I'd like to remark:

1) Jennifer Aniston does NOT use Aveeno. There is no way. I'm sure she gets HUGE gift baskets full of free Aveeno that she subsequently pawns off on her assistant, and her assistant's assistant, but there is ZERO way that this woman uses drugstore moisturizer.

2) In case anyone was wondering: yes, it IS terrifying to see commercials for San Andreas, when you live in Los Angeles...

3) Just for the record, out of Sprint, T-Mobile, and Verizon… T-Mobile is winning me over right now, solely based on advertisements…

4) Is Alyssa Milano not on the next season of Mistresses? Not that I want to dignify an OUNCE of that show with any commentary whatsoever, but why is she not in the promos? I absolutely DO NOT care enough to actually look into it, but I am curious...

5) Ohhhh Jesse Palmer on Good Morning America? Clearly he is still under contract with ABC... Does ANYONE remember that crazy girl Trish that came back and interrupted his one on one date? The same one that was intentionally eating burgers while the other girls were doing lunges? ELISA GOODRICH, I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO REMEMBER THIS...

Until next week...

Dear Future Husband...

First things first:

AND WE'RE BAAAAACK!!

NO-BACHELOR(ette)-MONDAY NO MORE!!

Second things second:Absolutely none of these words are malintended. No, "malintended" isn't technically a word, but Shakespeare got to make up his own words, so I'm taking the same liberties. This isn't meant to be mean, it's meant to be hilarious. So there's the disclaimer. For all other legal questions and concerns, please see my lawyer. (Spoiler alert: he's two years older than I, bears remarkable resemblance and also shares the same last name)

Ok we're nineteen seconds into the promo and I already have two major questions.

1) Was it REALLY necessary to spend gas on TWO limos, en route to Bachelor mansion? THERE IS A DROUGHT IN LOS ANGELES, PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU CAN.

2) Also, how much did it cost to have that rose box custom made?? To have the carpenter shape out a rose outline? I am voracious in my curiosity as to whether or not we see said boxes down the road in I dunno, Bachelor in Paradise? Survivor, maybe? 

According to America's favorite host, this is a HISTORIC premiere. Let's all take a moment to acknowledge that he has never used "historic" to describe an episode. Bet he had to dig deep for that one. He goes on:“This is one of the most controversial, talked-about premieres in Bachelorette history…”

BECAUSE WE’RE EXPOSING THE TRULY MISOGYNIST FOUNDATION OF THIS SHOW!!

Upon seeing Kaitlyn’s dress, that had more sequins than Lupita's Oscar dress had pearls, I remarked: “Dude, there would be so much chafing in that dress.”

CAROLYN: Seriously!

DEVIN: What?

GRACE: Chafing. X-BOX, PAUSE! (They have a voice-activated x-box that I'm pretty sure is from the Year 3000, but you can do things like that and X-box will listen to you) Yeah, chafing. Like, my skin would be raw from rubbing against those sequins. 

DEVIN: Oh, are you quick to chafe?

GRACE: Very quick. And very aggressive. I am a quick and aggressive chafer.
X-BOX, PLAY!

.....nothing

DEVIN: X-BOX, PLAY! (it does)

GRACE: well clearly someone listens to Dad... 

Moving right along, let's talk about memorable intro clips: 

-  Jonathan, Automotive Spokesman: not a car SALESman, but a SPOKESman. Wait. His kid coming into the frame right now. This kid is a forty year old trapped in a five year old’s body. I love it all. 

-  Joe, Insurance Salesman: This guy is from the back-est Back Woods of Kentucky, so far back that you almost get to Australia. He also claims that he always dreamed of wealth, a wife, and a mansion... with a white picket fence. So he's clearly never even seen a mansion, because if he had, he'd know that they don't (ever) come with a white picket fence... 

- Josh... the law-school-grad-turned-stripper. Is he making more money than Andi Dorfman? Probably. Does he have SIGNIFICANTLY less dignity than Dorfman? Absolutely.

- Brady, singer-songwriter from, wait for it... Nashville… Y'all, Nashville got a STRONG showing this season, but I still can't say I'm at all impressed. Brady leads off with, “I’ve always had melody inside of me…”

PLEASE LEAVE. 

- Josuha, welder, Idaho: Don't get me wrong, this guy is cute. But more importantly: THERE ARE SO MANY DUDES LEANING AGAINST WALLS ON THIS SEASON IT'S UNREAL. #BlameTheInterns

- Ian, Executive recruiter (what?)  Ok wait but in the background of Ian’s intro shot, I need you all to notice that we caught a glimpse of “The Flyin’ Jalapeno…” For the record, when I say I work right by there, I mean I could have thrown a stone at hit Ian's perfectly shaven head with it, in that shot. When I say I work right by there, I mean my friend Amy and I went to lunch on Tuesday and she said, "I'm craving a burrito, is there anywhere we can go?" and I said, "WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE FLYN' JALAPENO TO CELEBRATE ITS TELEVISION DEBUT LAST NIGHT?!! Back to Ian. I like him. He seems intense. I'm into it. 

- Jared, restaurant manager… Ohhhh nooooo he has an alter ego of... Love Man… 

Maaaaaydaaaay!!!

Let the record also show that Jared described Kaitlyn as a “Wildfire.” I do believe the word he was looking for was “spitfire.” (And may we ALSO let the record show that this is the dude who told said "Wildfire" that he voted for the other chick? JUST an observation....) 

- Tony, Healer, also known as... spiritual gangster. I believe he referred to himself as "antisocial." Super. Can't wait to see what happens next.  

- Ben, Fitness Coach: This was the guy who's mom passed away when he was 14... Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn only had one question: “Is that the best picture he had of his mom?” (We saw that picture at least nineteen times. Unframed AND framed.) #BlameTheInterns #Kasey #TheSantaAnasRuinedKaseysDate

Our gracious host informed Kaitlyn and Brit that that the men will have a ‘little bit of power tonight,” which, nobody worry, Brit finds to be “romantic.” 

Can we just stop right here and establish whatever the male equivalent is to Slut Shaming? Like, what is it called when you blatantly shame a man for being a misogynist? Cause we need it, right now. Y'all know I don't love standing on my feminist soap box, but HOLY SMOKES this is worse than Chris and Juan Pablo COMBINED. 

And honestly, if I were in either of the girls' shoes, I'm fairly positive that I would turn to the other girl and say “I’m so sorry. You’re lovely, but I’m about to fight dirty.” And then I would proceed to tell each man very directly why they should choose me. Come to think of it, I’m actually quite skilled at this – I do it at the office daily. Today my boss was talking to my co-worker Levi and I stepped in front of him and said to her, “Quick reminder: I’m your favorite. 

BOSS: You put my hard-boiled egg in the freezer this morning.

GRACE: Yes, but that was an accident. And Levi wouldn’t have tried to refrigerate your food. You should make me your favorite. 

BOSS: Ok. You can be my favorite.

(I high-fived myself on the way out) 

I can't even really discuss which guy went to which of the girls first, because you all know we got about MAYBE 35% of the truth in those sequences... There's no way to know that we even saw the original order that the guys got out of the limo, let alone in what order they said hello to the women... #BlameTheInternsEditors

Just a few notes: 

- JJ. Investment Banker. At JJ’s entry I yelled, “X Box, increase volume!” Devin quirked a brow and said, “you can just tell it to “volume up.” WHOOPS. I don't think I like JJ. His pucking joke wasn't bad, but he's somehow not my favorite... 

- Shawn B… It takes a while, but FINALLY WE get a guy who calls for a group hug… He and Brit have a connection… HIYOOOO UNTIL WE FIND OUT THAT HE WANTED THE BACHELORETTE TO BE KAITLYN. 

- Tony, aka Spiritual Gangster: Listen ladies, Tony lives in Tony's world. That means that if he thinks Kaitlyn can't hear what he's saying to Britt, he's gonna turn right around and say the EXACT SAME WORDS to Kaitlyn and nobody's gonna bat an eye about it. Also, what's up with his black eye?

- This Drunk Ryan is absolutely as good as it gets. Let's start with one of my favorite lines of the night: “I’d like to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and… never call her again…” Misogynist Shaming. He needs it. He goes outside to moan about the next contestant we meet, who is... a man driving a hot tub car... Wait, it get's better... The guy is an "Amateur Sex Coach." Only question: Does that mean he coaches amateur sex, or is he an amateur coach? (Do I even want to know the answer?) I'd like to thank my friend Camille for the apt description of the "Former-Newsie-Turned-Harrison-Security" to describe the man whose glorious job it was to pull Ryan outside for an intervention with Hare. And by "intervention" I mean "departure orders." Still in a bit of disbelief that ABC aired the rape comment... That guy is gonna have a REAL hard time finding a job... 

- THERE’S A MAN IN A CUPCAKE CAR. Marriage. Marry him now. HE HAS A CUPCAKE CAR, MARRY EVERYTHING. 

Don't even care that he's a dentist...

Ok. Onto the Misogynist Cocktail Party:

- The first guy that pulled Brit away a) has a son named Aurelius and b) WE CAN SEE THE TEETH OF THE FINE TOOTHED COMB THAT HE USED TO STYLE HIS HAIR.

- Let's talk about the guy who asked, "Do you choose the one that you like the most, or do you choose the one that likes YOU the most?" WHAT A QUESTION. 

- The guy with Chris Harrison on the triceratops… So much respect for a man who knows how to WORK WITH WHAT HE’S GOT. 

- Before the voting began (with the custom-carved rose boxes) Hare asked the ladies, "Is there anything you would like to say?" Once again, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT OPPORTUNITY TO SAY SOMETHING, to convince the men that I should be the favorite. 

- “I just found a pocket of guys that are pro-Kaitlyn…” THOSE ARE REAL WORDS THAT WERE UTTERED BY A DUDE. 

Ok whatever blah, blah, it ends on a cliff hanger... 

ONTO NIGHT TWO: 

SHOUTOUT TO MY ROOMMATE MARY THAT LET ME RIG UP THE ANTENNA MISCELLANEA IN HER ROOM. There's a drought. Save water. Don't pay for cable. 

Ok so I turned on the TV, and this is what I saw, no joke:

Rest in peace, Bachelorette Career for Britt...

WE GET IT.  

Anyway. Let’s talk about the set-up (that I successfully rigged up myself, if you really must know)

TV to converter box to antennae...

Very few comments about the evening: (BESIDES THE FACT THAT NICK IS BACK AND I LOVE HIMMMMM)

- Ok so obviously Hare was going for the fake-out, and wanted to make Kaitlyn think she was getting sent home… But then on the reveal, he didn’t… do a reveal. He kept a somber tone the whole time... huh? 

- Um, breach of confidentiality that Kaitlyn called her mom, or no? 

- In very unrelated news, the show “Whispers” looked very un-good. UNTIL I LEARNED THAT LILY RABE IS IN IT. Game. Has. Changed. 

- Ok how exhausting it must be, to live a day in the life of Spiritual Gangster Tony, being as sensitive as he is? Does he break down in tears when he gets cut off in traffic? (Or can he even drive cars without having psychotic breaks?)  After a few more minutes I decide that it’s a toss up: who cries more in traffic, Tony or Songwriter Brady? I really couldn’t say.

But what I COULD say is that Tony’s name reminds me of the Tony that proposed to Blakelee on Bachelor Pad II, only to have a broken engagement months later. UGHHH I JUST WANT EVERYONE IN THIS FRANCHISE TO FIND TRUE LOVE AND I GET SO UPSET WHEN THEY DON’TTTTT. 

- Just so we're clear, when it comes to Jared, (yes, LOVE MAN) voting for Brit was one of the hardest decisions he’s ever had to make. Even harder than whether or not to tell America he was "Love Man." SO DIFFICULT. 

Blah blahhh rose ceremony... 

The only two noteworthy guys who got sent home were the potential-barrister-turned-stripper and the hot tub car guy... Jury is still out on what part of his career was amateur, but after his conversation with Britt, it sounds like it just might be the "coaching" part of it...

Whatever. I'm so stoked for Nick. 

The One Thing I Know Is That I DON'T Know...

Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Let me start with my phone call with my Dad this morning:
Big Daddy: Happy birthday! How was your show last night?
Grace: Oh it was great. And they knew it was my birthday today because next season we're getting not one, but TWO Bachelorettes. Happy Birthday to me. Nothing like some good ole fashioned misogyny to start off my quarter century...
Big Daddy: Ewwwww.
Grace: Misogyny, Dad. Mistreatment of women.
Big Daddy: Oh. I thought you said androgyny...

GET ON MY LEVEL, DAD.

Facts:
1) We don't have cable in our new apartment.
2) Esteemed Living Room Peanut Gallery Member (but very sadly no-longer-roommate) Carolyn has not only cable, but some mega x-box crazy hook up, where you can say things like "X-BOX, PAUSE!" and it WILL.
3) EXCEPT... we didn't know how to work it.
4) BUT fortunately The Bachelor was trending on Twitter, so SOMEHOW we pulled it off of a random menu on the X-box, probably from the future, I don't even know, but it WORKED.

Wait... Maybe it didn't work. We definitely missed Prince Farming's family meeting Becca. But we care very little. So we started the episode somewhere around Whitney's emotional toast to Farming... What is most uncomfortable at this point is how deeply Whitney cares for Farming, how intent Farming is on Becca, and how... lukewarm, if anything, Becca seems to be towards Farming...

Let's take a quick moment to allot points for insightful sister questions: Chris's sister asked him, "What are your hesitations about Whitney?" This is smart. I'll give her some points for this. (speaking of sisters: did we ever see Farming's brothers-in-law? What do THEY look like?)

And then once the spotlight was on Gary, we all hollered, "X-BOX, REWIND!" about sixteen times. to make sure we'd heard what we thought we'd heard...

Gary: "Whitney is a sure thing... but Becca... Becca's who Chris wants... "
OH SNAAAP.

It very well could have been a pitch fork, but you know Gary dropped SOMETHIN' after that line....

Here's the crux: CHRIS STILL WANTS BECCA BECAUSE HE HASN'T CONQUERED HER.

I actually went on about this at work yesterday to my poor co-workers: my personal theory about why there have been so few Bachelor relationships that have lasted is because when they're the Bachelor, the guys do ZERO chasing. None. Women hurl themselves at the feet of these guys, as opposed to the months-long uphill battle that is The Bachelorette. (Well... at least, until last night, anyway)

Did we also miss the first part of Becca and Farming's date? "X-BOX, DO YOU HATE BECCA?"

...It didn't respond.

In their oddly charged conversation, we hear Farming say, "Maybe the question I should've asked is... Why don't you feel like you're in love with me?" This might be his most insightful question all season. She can't articulate an answer, and even X-box knew that the answer was "BECAUSE I'M STILL A BABY," but we suffered through the painful conversation anyway.

Grace: Wait why aren't we getting to see the gift? What gift did she give him?
Johnny: There's a gift?
Grace: Of course there's a gift! It's like, 'Here's dried petals from all the roses that you gave me... Plus all my tears...'
Johnny: Well she didn't give him the ULTIMATE gift...
Carolyn: Not yet, anyway...


About Becca/to Becca/to Chris I would like to call upon one of my all-time favorite TV shows that was taken from us all-too soon:

TRUER WORDS, MY FRIENDS. 

I shared my additional insights about Becca with the LRPG: "She was totally that girl that never really talked in class, but you'd get stuck on a bus next to her one day on a field trip and come away saying "y'all, Becca is so hilarious. I don't know why she doesn't speak up more, cause she's so funny..."

...But we're still in the "she's quiet in class" phase...

Way to plant, Ann.

As we later watch Whitney and Chris guzzle wine in his Pier One house, we have a few questions:

Johnny: What is the wine budget for this thing? There is never NOT wine.
Grace: No WONDER things fall apart after the filming stops. You can't drink this much in real life without getting sent to AA...

(But come on: He spent half a night in a hotel room with one woman, and spent the entire DAY on his FARM with another woman? Followed by the half a night in a hotel thing? And you wanna tell me this is a tough decision?)

Also, can we talk about how all that the women can say about Arlington is how beautiful the... fields are? I can't help but feel like they're all filled with so much panic about their desolate future in Iowa that they involuntarily gush about the VERY dismal landscape...

Even more dismal: Chris's empty words to Whitney: "This is a place I feel good about being in with you., right here..."

She is clearly trying to force an "I love you" out of him and he is clearly not giving it to her. And now she's kind of crying and clutching his face about it...

Wait... Did they break up? Is he telling her that he isn't where she is and so she's walking out? I have no idea what is going on.

For all of Chris's inability to be articulate, Whitney sums up the evening quite nicely: "Honestly I feel like I have taken my heart out of my chest and put it in his hands."

Finale:

Let's get right to it:

Grace: Is that...?
Carolyn: That is a red velvet dress.
Grace: Oh she is READY for Arlington, THAT IS A RED VELVET DRESS.
Johnny: That is a red velvet MESS.

OH. MY. WORD. As if the red velvet mess wasn't enough...
This proposal barn, right now.

Remember how earlier Whitney joked, "What, there aren't chandeliers everywhere?"

BECAUSE THERE ARE DEFINITELY CHANDELIERS EVERYWHERE.

Grace: They pulled out the STOPS for this gig.
Carolyn: There is a lantern in a cage. Lot's of them. What happened to a tropical paradise proposal?
Johnny: There is nothing romantic about this. This is absolutely the space where a cult leader would hold cult meetings.
Grace: There is absolutely a tractor in the wall. They have run a tractor into the barn wall and it is stuck there and they're pretending like it's decoration. X-BOX, PAUSE! Look, there it is!
Johnny: This is a BARN-MITZVAH.
Grace: Mazel tov.

We all have VERY few things to say about Becca. Her goodbye, exit, and limo ride were all very uneventful. No tears, even. She'd probably spent all of her tears on the fact that she was made to wear a red velvet mess...

Whitney, on the other hand, looks amazing. Absolutely zero thermal protection in that little black number, but she looks pretty good. We also witness a finale freak-out from her that is unlike anything we've seen since Catherine Giudici nearly hyperventilated when Sean proposed... But she's also got to be FREEZING. We can see their breath right now, in this stained-glass, tractor-crashed Barn Mitzvah. 

The LRPG begins to wonder if the "never before seen finale" moment will be... Whitney barfing on Chris.  

Ohhhhh he said he loves her. Who knew? (We knew) He got down on one knee. I'm shocked. (I'm not) She said yes. More shock. (Not more shock) 

Blahhh blahhhh After the Final Rose... Becca looks GREAT. 

Let's clap it up for what was absolutely Farming's best line of the season: 

Hare: So Whitney didn't watch the show and see your dates with other women. You're a smart man.

Farming: She's a smart woman. I think I'm a smart man because I chose her. 

I absolutely support Whitney's decision not to watch the show. I wouldn't be able to do it myself, because I'd be too curious, but I totally support it... 

Aaaaand let's clap it up for Kimmel: "I got you something you can take to that horrible farm you're going to... This cow's name is Juan Pablo... It doesn't speak English..." 

And now a brief word about The Bachelorette... 

I just... where do I even begin? I can say I haven't fully developed my thoughts, but I'm a little concerned to hear Britt, Kaitlyn and Hare all say that because they've signed a hulluva lot more contracts about it than I have. 

I suppose my thoughts will be more formulated around May 18th, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to say. Very curious about the politics involved in this decision, because contrary to what Hare told us, America (and the studio audience) are very clearly NOT divided AT ALL about who they think should be the next Bachelorette...

I still wanted Carly... 

Women Tell All... but not to Grace

True Life, True Tori:

I haven't watched the Women Tell All.

You want the truth?

Nevermind that it was the single episode to which I'd been looking MOST forward, all season.

Facts:

1) I moved over the weekend. And in case anyone was wondering: it rained more over that one weekend than it has in the past two years COMBINED. 

2) I was moving in a pick-up truck. Special thanks to the Living Room Peanut Gallery for all of their help. 

3) We have no TV. Correction: we HAD no TV. My sweet roommate went out and got one on Monday night, only to discover that the antennae were not compatible.

4) We have no cable. Or working antennae.

5) We have no internet. No Hulu, no Hulu Plus, no ABC.com, no NUTHIN'.

So basically, the jury is still out on whether or not I will even watch it by a decent time, so the jury is DEFINITELY still out on whether or not there will be commentary about it.

BUT IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, it's time for me to go wring out my Vibrams, that got SOAKED over the weekend.

Note to self: wet, cold feet in the middle of February do NOT keep one warm...

No Problem, Just A Little Pee Pee...

Earlier in the kitchen this evening:
Johnny: Is tonight Paradise Cove?
Grace: Huh?
Johnny: Adventure Island?
Grace: …Bali?
Johnny: Yeah whatever. The sex date.
Grace: FANTASY SUITE, THIS ISN'T REAL WORLD: BALI.


Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Lezzbe honest: Bali is gorgeous. Prince Farming is decently attractive.

But Farming + Contemplative walks out on the Bali Terrain = 

But actually...

Johnny: I wanna know what’s going through his mind when he has these moments of sitting and staring at things.
Grace: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Johnny: You’re so right. There are literally no thoughts in his head.


Let’s start this off with the most obvious elephant in the room: Bali is clearly VERY muggy. There is so much sweating on this date. I won't even say anything more because I sympathize WAY too much to even vaguely make fun of any of it.



Overnight: Kaitlyn

As we see this date in Monkey Jungle, I can't help but be overcome with a single thought: THERE ARE GONNA BE SOME AMAZING OUTTAKES AT THE END OF THIS EPISODE. (Spoiler alert: there weren't. Chris isn't funny or apparently able to even pretend to speak to animals.)


Oh and then we got the monkey metaphors… they go after what they want… how ironic that we’re hearing Kaitlyn, of all three girls, say that she’s hesitant to go get what she wants… Just a quick reminder for our friends at home: this is the chick who waltzed up to Chris and said "You can plow the [beep] out of my fields anytime!" on the first night...


Alas, she mentions it in her interview and she's currently talking about it at dinner with Chris: DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING OR DID I CALL THE VULNERABILITY THING? Except until Chris goes off on his speech about vulnerability, and an assortment of other qualities for which he very likely would NOT be able to provide a definition.… Johnny definitely nodded off. There was snoring....

And then there was:
Kaitlyn: I have NO questions right now.
Grace: Except maybe “What would I do in Arlington? Cause they definitely haven’t heard of Hip-Hop there.”

WHOAAAA CHRIS SAID ‘I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO, AS WELL.’ OMG THEY NEVER SAY THAT OMG WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN THIS HAS EVEN MORE GRAVITY THAN PENETRATION. HE HAS TO WED HER NOW. ONCE THOSE WORDS HAVE BEEN SAID, THE DOWRY IS OFFERED AND THERE ARE NO TAKE-BACKS. AHHHH I CAN’T EVEN STOP WITH THE ALL CAPS.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Overnight: Whitney

Whitney very strategically started off by telling Chris that she was displeased with her sister’s reaction to him on her hometown date because she was worried that it might affect where HE stood with her. Of course Chris TOTALLY missed this memo and just tried to pat her on the head and told her not to worry about it… He was probably distracted by the tanner on her face that didn't match the tanner on the rest of her body... (Shoutout to my girl Crystal, who picked up on that one...)

Can we talk about some of Whitney's next words?

“I love Chris so much my heart could explode… I feel very confident that I will marry Chris.”

This is how I feel about it:

#OscarBuzz

Quick observation: so Chris told Kaitlyn he’s "falling in love with her too." But yet didn’t ask her anything about how she’d do teaching hip hop in Arlington, meanwhile he is VERY inquisitive of Whitney, about it… SOMETHING IS AMISS...

Whilst defending (excusing) the small town of Iowa to Whitney, we heard:

Chris: Des Moines is two hours away. If you wanna be somewhere, you drive.
Johnny: Well no wonder he has fifty DUIs!


OMG OMG "CHECK PLEASE" FROM WHITNEY, HELLOOOOO TRIBUTE TO RYAN SUTTER. Elisa Goodrich and I might have been the only two people who caught that, but I am on Team Whitney, after that remark.

(For our friends at home: "Check please!" was what Ryan Sutter said to Trista Rhen on the overnight date on the first season of The Bachelorette.)

Overnight: Becca

I have so little to say about Becca’s date… Except how stressed I am that she’s come THIS far and HASN’T told him that she’s NEVER. HAD. SEX.

Listen, by ALL means: wait till marriage. YES. YAAAAAS. However… be a little more forthright about it… Just a tad. At one point, Johnny remarked "It's just not who she is, to come right out and tell him..." Carolyn and I were both on board with this for several seconds before I realized (and articulated) "She has LITERALLY told America that she's a virgin... and hasn't told him. EVERYONE except for Chris knows. I don't think that's worth a "it's who she is" dismissal..."


The oracle-guru (hey, better than the sex guru) told them that they should make love. After he informed Chris that Becca's biggest weakness was that she was "hard to control."

And I'm sure Chris's was "No crops in his fields"

Alright, time for a sidetrack: I've mostly avoided this rant all season because I know if I go too far down that track, I'll never return...

But actually.... This could be me... 

The misogyny is rampant this season, obviously. OBVIOUSLY. From Ashley I's high virginity horse to Jimmy Kimmel's Hall Pass double standards to there being NO negotiation of Chris giving up a single THING for these women...

And sure, it's The Bachelor. We know we're gonna get some good ole fashioned women degradation. But last night was too much. Is it COMPLETELY unreasonable to wonder why there is absolutely NO discussion of how Chris might alter his life to accommodate these women? Because the only - ONLY questions he's been asking are "Who could move to Arlington? Who's told me that they love me?" It's not like the man actually works on a farm - why can't he conduct his farm biz from Chicago, huh?

So Chris and Becca spend dinner kind of circling around whether or not she could see herself in Iowa... She still hasn't played the virginity card.... Oh you KNOW those camera guys were high-fiving the life out of each other about that shot of the reflection of Chris and Becca in the water... They make it to the suite... SHE STILL HASN'T PLAYED THE VIRGINITY CARD.

Whew - finally, FINALLY as they're sitting on the edge of the bed, she drops the bomb. What's my favorite line in Chris's response? "It's never easy to respond to this kind of stuff..."

Oh really? Is it that difficult, Christopher? Or is it that you thought you were getting laid tonight and are having to respond to the denial of the D? (Listen, Ma, I'm sorry to be so crass, BUT YOU ALL KNOW THIS IS TRUE. *Is helped up onto feminism soapbox by Johnny Langan*) And you can BET YOUR BIVVY that if Chris is going to act like the sole purpose of these women is to serve his Neanderthal needs and produce little Chris and Christina Soules, then I will CERTAINLY continue to speak like this.

(*steps down from soapbox* Whew! I don't know why I got so carried away! I don't know that I could even tell you the formal definition of "bivvy."  I think I will choose to blame my father for raising me to be relentlessly outspoken...)

Also let's clap it up for Chris's "And I'd be lying if I said I'm not...I'd be lying if I said I'm surprised..."

SPOTIFY CARE.

Oh geez. It's now the next morning and we hear that Chris might have to send Becca home…. Or Kaitlyn… OR EVEN WHITNEY! (Lies. He is feeding us lies like candy.)

True life: the difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m in love with you”…what is it? Is some girl going to get to the end and say, “Yeah, I was falling in love with you, but I JUUUUST missed it, and I’m not there anymore.” Cause I'm pretty sure in BachelorLand, 'I've fallen in love with you' holds more weight than 'I'm falling in love with you.' (Listen, I think it's horrifying that the contestants are pressured into saying ANYTHING about love after spending maybe 12 hours total with the Bachelor, but does anyone else remember when they were forced into saying  "I love you" on the show?? Honestly maybe that was better because it forced them to speak with relative commitment... But these are millennials. What do we know if commitment?)

Except when it's not... 

Thank GOODNESS Chris Harrison is there so he (and we) can talk it out. Hare is truly floored that Farming can actually imagine a future with ALL three women. He can't hide the surprise in his voice. And neither can we. I'm pretty sure that Farming's biggest obstacle at this point is his fear of messing up. As in: which of the women is the LEAST of a risk in the end? What woman holds the SMALLEST possibility of high-tailing it out of there, as soon as she sees Arlington? I'll go ahead and give Chris some awareness points for this - Arlington is his biggest insecurity, and although the women try to tell him to be more proud of where he's from, he's not wrong in fearing that he won't be able to bring home a woman to live in a GHOST TOWN.


Ah, and only Chris Harrison could give such a stern paternal warning about the sacred nature of this Rose Ceremony temple, followed by “With that being said… how ya doing?”

...Farming is doing no better than he was during the heart-to-heart this morning...


Clearly the Bachelor stylist just went to TOWN and did each of the girls’ hair in the way that she’s been DYING to for weeks, now. For once, Kaitlyn’s hair is pulled out of her face. Whitney and Becca’s hair also looks amazing. I am so into this messy up-do on Becca right now... Wait but can this stylist do my wedding, please?


OHMIGAH THE GAME IS CHANGING DURING THIS BECCA-CHRIS CHAT RIGHT NOW.


Well... the LRPG votes are in:


Johnny: Who do you think is going home?
Carolyn: Kaitlyn.
Grace: Kaitlyn.
Johnny: Same.
Grace: Cause I think it’s Becca… which makes me think it’s Kaitlyn. Makes me think this is all a dirty set up from the editors…

We all got in the fetal position as we heard Kaitlyn tell the camera that she'd be pretty stoked if Becca went home... Suddenly we all realized that Kaitlyn was, in fact, getting the Loser's Edit and was going home VERY shortly...

OHHHHHH GOODBYE KAITLYN.

Aaaaaaaand Chris has her hand in a vice grip. Her fingers are purple. I know this because I can see them hanging out of his hand that he's clenching...


Chris walks her out and has literally said NOTHING of use in the past three minutes. Although I'm distracted because I’m SUPER focused on how amazing her skin looks at age 29. And how she’s made it through so gracefully, up until this point… The whole LRPG was cheering her on, NOT to have a breakdown when he was saying goodbye – EVEN THE ROOSTER WAS PISSED.


Ohhhh she made it to the van and then.... she broke down, cradled in his arms.


Grace: NOOOOOOO!
Carolyn: YOU’RE SO CLOSE!
Grace: KEEP IT TOGETHER, NO MA’AM WE DO NOT BREAK DOWN RIGHT NOW!


Chin up, Kaitlyn. Women Tell All next week. America (and the roosters) are on your side:

"I Won't Say It Was a Deal-breaker, but..."

IT WAS A DEAL-BREAKER.

As Carly so wisely put it: "It's another thing to say 'don't Google my wife.'"


Per uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

First things first: I'm sad we didn't see a hometown date with Carly. Zak Attack would have been there and I would have LOVED to witness Chris watch a family singalong.

MOVING ON:

SHREVEPORT, LEEZYANA: BECCA


The Living Room Peanut Gallery likes Becca because she is simple, quite like Prince Farming. She tells the camera how she's basically never had feelings for any guy anywhere, ever. But she's glad Farming is in her hometown. Seeking a natural Leezyana experience, they go for a little rowboat ride...

Methinks it was supposed to be like this:

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

But per BachelorUze, it went more like this:

If you haven't seen this, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING and watch Just Friends. 

They kiss in the boat for a little while before they realize that a crab is NOT going to come out singing "Kiss the Girl," not to mention the fact that it's rather hard to successfully.. kiss a girl... on a boat, before they eventually retire to the veranda (her parents' house) for some mint juleps (some chastity).

Let's clap it up for Becca's sister Katie, who makes her out to be NOTHING LESS than a spinster lesbian. For inquiring minds: according to Katie's Twitter, she was displeased with how she was depicted on this episode. How anyone could express displeasure over a portrayal of themselves to which they have legally given away ANY AND ALL rights is BEYOND me...

Here's what's striking: (according to the editors, at least) not only has Becca never brought a guy home before, but her family didn't think she was capable of bringing one home. They didn't say "well we've never seen her holding a guy's hand and we're sure glad it's you, Prince Farming!" they said "We've never seen her hold a guy's hand. It's weird." WHERE ARE YOUR CHEERLEADERS, BECCA??! (Apparently they're at Starmont High School, still trying to raise money for cheerleading uniforms)

OHMIGAH THIS FAMILY IS RUINING THE DATE EVEN HARDER THAN DEZ'S FAMILY DID ON SEAN LOWE'S SEASON. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 

Special shoutout at this moment to Kirk's family, on Ali Fedotowsky's season, with the taxidermy, and shoutout to Dez's (NOW HUSBAND) Chris, whose Dad did a chiropractic family date...


Regardless of her oddly unsupportive family, I WILL give Prince Farming points for NOT running away from the Beckster: "it would be great to be the guy who Becca has been waiting for..."

ps - during the ferris wheel part, I turned to the LRPG and said: "The only way I'll ride a ferris wheel with a guy is if we have scripts in our hands and we're reenacting the scene from season one of The OC, between Ryan and Marissa..."


CHICAGO: Whitney

Am I wrong, or was the last Chicago hometown date with Emily Maynard and Crazy Eyed Chris?

Owwww my leg. 

Just a quick question:
.....has it occurred to Whitney that there aren't fertility nurses in Arlington? (And there won't be for at LEAST fifty more years?) I really like Whitney and I really like Whitney and Chris, but once again: there's no future for her in Iowa. I'm pretty sure the only one who could actually have a relatively un-miserable future in Arlington would be the Beckster...

Blah blah blah we see Chris putter around the fertility clinic... I'm surprised we didn't see any signs of Jade's Playboy issue in the "Man Room." (YOU KNOW I'M NOT EVEN BEING CATTY, THIS IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY)

Three cheers for Whitney's uncle as he raised his glass: "We're pretty glad to have Chris here, but we'll see how it goes..."

Raise 'em up. 

Whitney's uncle also has some insightful words about her, "She almost exudes vulnerability, but she is so strong..." This uncle is scoring more and more points with me by the minute... Chris was floored by this observation from the uncle, saying he could never really define that quality about her but that it's very accurate. NEWSFLASH: he could never define that quality about her because he has a vocabulary of sixteen words. 

I can get onboard with Whitney's relationship with her sister, I can get onboard with the tears that well up as she tells her sister that it is REAL, and I can get onboard with this bottle of whatever that she got at a flea market years ago, that she wanted to share it with the man that she married...

BUT I CAN'T GET ONBOARD WITH CHRIS AND WHITNEY. CHRISNEY. (Whis?) I want more for her. I want more for her than Chris, and I want more for her than Arlington...

Oh look: I feel the same about...

Phoenix: Kaitlyn

Special thanks to my friend Kristen, who informed me that she had a legal friend who happened to mention that this hometown date was in Phoenix instead of Canada because if you have an unusually high number of DUIs, it can be pretty tricky to get into Canada... And after the VERY little research I did, it looks like Prince Farming is guilty of no less than TEN of these alcohol-related offenses...

I only wrote four things about this date. Here's the unedited Director's cut:

- Chris's rapping that's happening right now... THIS IS UNREAL. UN. REAL.

- Kaitlyn's Mom looks like she could be Michelle Money's mom...

- "So you have feelings for him... How far into your heart do those feelings go?" GREAT QUESTION, MAMA MONEY KAITLYN.

- Kaitlyn has been KILLING the vulnerability game, this season.

Nebraska: Jade


Let's clap it up for Jade's Dad who remarked that, "I want her to live free but loved."

....Everything after that line was downhill. As an informed audience, we understand why Jade's family is speaking about her in the weirdly cryptic way that they are, but if we hadn't seen Jade's conversation with Carly, we'd be left with two major questions: 1) does she have bipolar disorder? or 2) Does she have a raging addiction?

Because her family set her up to be a nut job. Which begs the question: was Playboy the only elephant in the room? Or are there other sides to Jade that we don't know yet?

Chris perfectly summed up the whole family description of Jade: "Your brother's called you a Wild Mustang..."

After the bomb drop:

Chris: I know why you are the way you are.
Carolyn: But do you, Chris? Cause up until five minutes ago, you didn't know she modeled for Playboy...


Chris: If she's my soulmate, I'll stand behind her, no matter what's on the internet...
Grace: Because... there's no internet in Iowa.


Chris:It wasn't a deal-breaker, but...
Carolyn: "It wasn't a deal breaker, it was just... absolutely a deal breaker..."


Conclusion: The Living Room Peanut Gallery has decided that Jade is an exquisite crier. Her tears look GREAT. Way to go, Jade.

CarlyMoon at Night: Bachelor's Delight

But actually... Where do I even begin discussing the past five hours of my life that were dedicated to BachelorNation? All of the "most dramatic" (thank you, Hare) moments we've seen in the history of this show basically all aired in our living rooms in a single twenty four hour period. My commentary is actually pretty limited due to the fact that a) I was GLUED to the screen. Couldn't take my eyes off this train wreck, and b) real talk: Carly is my spirit animal and I didn't even really have to bother taking notes during the first three hours because SHE SAID ALL OF IT FOR ME. I just want to BE Carly, everyday. 

er uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Ahem, in the meantime: Allow me to briefly walk though the RIDICULOUS amount of breakdowns we witnessed, as well as offer some brief comparisons:

1) Andi and Josh Break-up: I mean... Does anyone even know WHY they broke up? I learned NOTHING from that interview. Except that Andi still ferociously rubs her eyes when she cries and it stresses me out because THAT SKIN IS SO DELICATE AND SUSCEPTIBLE TO WRINKLES, DORFMAN!

AGING IS REAL, DWARFMAN. 

The only reason this interview was remotely likable was because it's VERY pleasant to see Hare actually care about she to whom he is speaking. (For examples of the contrary, see Prince Farming, Kelsey, etc) We have high standards for the post-break-up interview, if anyone remembers the breakup interview where Jake accused Vienna of undermining him by interrupting him and measuring the cabinets...

I watch this at LEAST once a month... 

2) Britt's breakdown... OHMIGAH OHMIGAH OHMIGAHHHHH. I don't know who was more pleased about the whole thing: myself, or Carly. This was by far and away the most rapid and steep decline that we have EVER seen in a contestant. Britt will be spoken about for YEARS.

What was so great about the whole thing is that she went from 10 to 0 in a DAY. There was no slow demise with her, like say, Ashley Herbert on Brad Womack's season. Or even Tierra - she went down pretty slowly. Or even Mickey - remember him? That dude that eliminated himself and took off from Hong Kong, as soon as he found out that Bentley had returned and Ashley had been pining for him?

Buh-bye, China! Hello Dignity! 

But no. Britt was absolutely first in Chris's book, up until Carly pulled the rug out from under her. (Or did she pull it out from under Prince Farming, because she revealed a completely different woman than the one he thought he knew?) 

3) Hometown dates: I mean... I'm pretty sure Becca's family threw her further under the bus than Dez's family could have ever DREAMED of throwing her, the time she brought Sean Lowe home to meet them.

4) Jade. JAAAAADE and her sordid past. Shall we compare this to the reveal of Rated X? Or the reveal of that random dude on Dez's season whose girlfriend showed up? The perfect "Wild Mustang" buildup from her family was BEYOND anything that is up with which the producers could have conjured.

Each of the above events will be discussed in detail below, but I had to lead off with the acknowledgement that truly: that two night event was unlike ANYTHING we'd ever seen.


Sunday Night:
Farming (and Kelsey) tell all:

Fact: they told us literally NOTHING. The only remotely remarkable thing we learned was from Chris Harrison, when he told us that bless-her-heart Ashley S thought that the crew was running a gambling ring from the accounting office.  The only thing I can surmise is that the production team wanted to give Kelsey a chance to make herself NOT sound like she calculated the end of her husband (who was named Sanderson Poe, for those who just joined us), and they didn't even pull THAT off, because the only noteworthy word that Kelsey used was "crucifixion" in regards to the Women Tell All.

Wanna know how I feel about the Women Tell All?

I'MSOEXCITED

Rose Ceremony:

Nashville Megan very, VERY gracefully eliminated herself. You go Glen Coco.

I'm fairly certain that Hare just made up the notion that another woman was going to be eliminated on top of the departure of Kelsey, Ashley I and now Megan. So what looks like a GRAND gesture of generosity, [insert Carly's "WE'RE GOIN' TO IOWA!" here]


Trip to Iowa:

Why they went to Iowa, perhaps we will never know. Was it to give the women (*cough cough* Britt) a chance to back out, if they found Iowa to be too much of a small town? One thing's for sure: Arlington is LITERALLY so small that they couldn't even put the girls up in a hotel there. I guess it was stay at the pastor's house, or head to Des Moines. (Shoutout to my girl Amy, who observed that the pastor was wearing a "Call of Duty" t-shirt.)

We see footage of Farming puttering around a farm, and this is how I feel about how natural he looks on a farm talking to a cow that is DEFINITELY not named "Bessie."

Has Chris ever SEEN a cow before? 

Can we go ahead and establish that Farming isn't a Jason Aldean-grade "takes the tractor another round" farmer? CLEARLY this guy works in an office, apparently selling corn all day, but there's NO WAY that man works on a farm all day everyday. (Where this office is, we will never know)

Britt was NOT pleased that Jade got the first one on one date card. She was wearing what appeared to be an unusually low amount of eye make-up as she pretended to be happy for Jade. LITTLE DID WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF UNRAVELING WAS IN STORE.

Quick reminder: again, I took VERY few notes during this episode because truly: Carly said nearly all of it. I don't know HOW they ended up using that clip of Carly's face superimposed on the moon - clearly Jacob got a little punchy around 3 am one morning and did it as a joke, before one of the story editors saw it and passed it along and suddenly it was on national TV...

As Farming and Jade meander around Arlington, Farming points out that it's deserted because "technology has taken over the role of a lot of farmers and..." he trails off, unsure.
"People have to move where there jobs," Jade finishes for him.

Grace: People have to move where there's PEOPLE. In unrelated news, is there a Blockbuster in Arlington? I need to know.

Perhaps some of you will remember the piece I did on Arlington last season when I spoke about real estate in Arlington as well as the teachers at Starmont high school, aka the Starmont Stars. For any of you that are picturing the small town charm of somewhere like Dillon Texas (clear eyes, strong heart, CAN'T LOSE!) perhaps you should know that the Starmont Star cheerleaders... DONT HAVE CHEERLEADING UNIFORMS.

That is, unless the two lines of girls that we saw on the sidelines with pom poms, wearing jeans and Ugg boots were NOT the cheerleaders.

And THEN we saw that some of the football players doubled as the marching band. To which I have only ONE question...

If they're playing the trombone, won't they miss Coach's rousing halftime speech??

Clear eyes, strong heart... LONG WAY FROM DILLON.

The Living Room Peanut Gallery was comprised of some of my oldest favorites: Nashville Friends Meaghan and Laura Grace, as well as the usual suspects: Carolyn and Johnny, and we very quickly decided that EVERY WOMAN IN ARLINGTON HAS THE SAME SHORT HAIRCUT.

You know what you did, Kate Gosselin 

Ok but REALLY... I am SO creeped out by this old high school jaunt right now... Don't get me wrong: we all want to walk through the halls, feeling like we own the place - I'm SURE Chris felt like nothing less, when he walked through with Jade. But based on the fact that this is the ONLY thing that they could possibly do in Arlington... It's creepy and weird. I refuse to dignify Chris's "less of English and more like French" line with ANY commentary.

When Jade returned to the... suite at the Marriott in Des Moines, she told the other girls what she and Farming did. The green eyed monster was nearly crawling out of Britt's skin about it. In the first of (SEVERAL) spectacular meltdowns, Britt started out saying she was happy for Britt, but then immediately BURST into tears. She tried to back pedal by saying, "I'm sorry... its this weird thing I have..."

Grace: IT'S CALLED JEALOUSY, BRITT.
Meaghan: Oh HONESTLY. She's just jealous because she wants crowds chanting at them to be HER thing with Chris.

Farming took Whitney on a one-on-one date in Des Moines and there is very little worth mentioning. They took pictures. They had pictures taken. They kissed. She met his friends. By the way: the LRPG was wondering how far away Arlington is from Des Moines - you know, like, is it at least close enough that they could go there for a date night?

.....It is 150 miles away.

The girls drove the one hundred and fifty miles to see it. I don't even know what to say about Britt's Pout Session in the morning, but somehow they talked her into going and THANK GOD THEY DID.

Sweet Becca summed up Arlington in a single line, "I think if I lived here I'd like to pop out babies ASAP." This supports the notion that children are an activity, as opposed to a responsibility,  but Becca is just so sweet and simple that we can't even really hold it against her...

Let’s all clap it up for Carly, who loved the Jesus portrait inside the church… And then met the pastor of the church, two doors down. Oh, AND the treasurer.


When Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly's names were read on the group date card, the words “ouch” and “shocker” were uttered by the women, clearly indicating that this IS a competition. Also indicating that they think that Farming has some kind of say over who decides on the date participants. Hasn't that always been a shot called by production?

Major points to Carly for then calling Britt out on her false modesty, when it came to her whining about how bad she was at ice skating. (Just out of curiosity... is there anyone who isn't/wasn't a competition skater that would claim to be GOOD at ice skating? Just curious.) 

Allow me to stand on my soapbox for a brief Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus moment. Time and time again, we see a running theme on this show: Bachelor is smitten with a lady who has been deemed a snake charmer by all the other ladies. Chances of Bachelor catching onto said Snake Charm seem small, so all other ladies make it their goal to inform Bachelor of the Snake Charmer. Because the stakes are high, no lady can ever trust that Bachelor will eventually see Snake Charmer for what she is: a Charmer of Snakes. Ladies must tell Bachelor of Snake Charm IMMEDIATELY. 

I'd like to think this doesn't happen in real life, but it kind of does.

But we're not talking about real life, here, are we??!

Carly perfectly sums up Britt's behavior: “IT’S JUST LIES. HE’S GETTING LIES FED TO HIM, LIKE CANDY."

My question: Why hasn’t Britt decided that she doesn’t want to be with Chris, when she clearly doesn't want to live in Arlington? Her obvious disdain for his hometown, followed by the pure lies that she fed to him like candy now put Britt in what I like to call Category 3. You know, the one where they're not there to promote themselves, they're not there for a connection, they're just THERE TO WIN. Britt moved into Category 3, somewhere between the tears and the lies in this episode. 

Also noteworthy: when Carly gave Farming her Snake Charmer Revelation, she uttered the words, “I know how much you like her…” which, let's face it, have never been uttered on this show. There is a camaraderie that has been born between these women which is rather unusual (for the contrary, see Nikki and Clare, on Juan Pablo's season) and that also makes the prospect of Farming facing them at the Women Tell All horrifying for him and exhilarating for me.


Another quick question: why does Britt’s family eat off of each other’s plates? I am the most invasive person I know, and I can't remember the last time I actually ate something off of someone's plate. I often demand that my mother give me the other half of her loaded baked potato when we go out, but I don't shovel it into my mouth straight from her plate? Britt mentioned this to Chris when she was giving her spiel about how much she would love for him to come visit her hometown. She was probably patting herself on the back for sounding slightly ashamed as she "admitted" that she could show him her whole life in less than a block... 

I'll bet. 

Farming handled his "confrontation" with Britt VERY well. Might have been his BEST move this whole season. He never gave any indication that someone had said something to him, and gave her a distinct chance to set the record straight.

...she didn't. 

Later Farming was off with Kaitlyn and he gave her the rose and KAITLYN IS CRYING AGAIN AND I LIKE HER WAY TOO MUCH FOR HER TO EVER BE WITH CHRIS. Farming is “making Kaitlyn be soft.” KAITLYN IS MAKING ME BE SOFT.

Another quick Bachelor soapbox speech: You know those girls that leave the show and say "maybe I should have been more vulnerable?" Kaitlyn is that girl, EXCEPT SHE WAS VULNERABLE AND SHE IS KILLING IT, SUBSEQUENTLY. The LRPG voted that she was a) way too good for Chris and b) way too grounded and down to earth to be the next Bachelorette.

Britt and Carly were left sitting on the couch while Kaitlyn got the rose, and Britt’s Transylvanian accent as she said “Where’s Kaitlyn?” is the most that I’ve liked her since the premiere.

When Farming and Kaitlyn returned with the rose having been bestowed, Britt's unravel began to really pick up speed.

Carolyn: (looking at Britt) Oh yes. Let it begin.
Grace: Breakdown. Breakdown to Mama.

In front of everyone, Britt began telling Chris why she deserved the rose. This is amazing. This is even better than the time that Ryan tried to talk Emily Maynard back into giving him the rose, after she'd already told him he was going home.

I would like to take a quick moment to invite EVERYONE to a 5k that will be hosted at our house very soon, in an effort to raise awareness of... the self. Yes, that's correct: a Run for Self-Awareness. Britt will obviously be there because she is in DIRE need of some.

Carly (again) perfectly described it when she said "Britt thinks she's the Bachelorette. She has to be number one. She gets really upset when she isn't." Followed by her description of Britt's breakdown: “It was so much better of an explosion than I could have possibly expected.” WHERE IN THE WORLD this girl got the idea that she could a) demand an explanation from Farming and b) do it in front of the other girls is beyond me. Clearly her mom was too busy spooning meatballs off of Britt's plate onto her own to bother with, "Now sweetheart, just because you don't get your way doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum..."

Upon hearing the full story, Whitney asked, "What switch went off?"

Carly: “Uh, rejection. I’d just told him she was two different people and then he SAW it ten minutes later.”


As for Britt's departure... Where to even begin? ONCE MORE, Carly summed it all up for us: "Britt doesn’t want to be rejected, so she’s going to leave before he can send her home."

Except we all knew that Britt was really setting out to get Chris to beg her to stay and to say that "it backfired" would be a gross understatement. There was still a chance for her to walk out of there holding her head high, but she chose to say to Chris: "In light of what I said to you... do you have anything to say to me?"

What followed (before we got to the part where she was bawling on the sidewalk) LRPG Carolyn summarized with: "He literally cannot speak words. He has no words to say to her because he has no thoughts in his brain."

Once again: that downward spiral was unlike ANYTHING we have ever seen. There was no room to even faintly pump the brakes because it started flying out of control so quickly, never to be restored.

Goodbye, Britt. Please don't return as the Bachelorette. (And you know the sale of Bratz dolls would be through the roof if she does grace us with her Bachelorette presence...)

Ugh. Goodbye, Carly. If you're not the next Bachelorette, I WILL QUIT.

Surely she didn't get poached by the producers to come on this show when they went home for Zak's hometown date with Dez, only to NOT be the Bachelorette after all her one-liners....


Commentary on hometown dates is coming soon, stay tuned...

- gd