If You're a Bird, I'm a Bird...

I’d like to take a moment to offer special thanks to all the people who made tonight’s viewing possible.

It started with a TV that was found on the side of the road.

Then the engineering advice of Josh and Lisel Albee that led to the purchase of antennae for the Roadside Television. This was followed by a generous donation from those two and Mark A. Norman, that resulted in a converter box. Finally, with the help of my Handyman Neighbor Josh, legitimate TV reception was obtained, by moving the stationary door to our balcony, so the antennae could sit outside (since stucco is a poor conductor of electricity.) But seriously. Look:

MOVING ON.

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these men are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary.

(Oh, and another quick disclaimer: since this whole thing is ALREADY a commentary and I believe that hashtags are a form of commentary in and of themselves, I will refrain from ending every paragraph with a hashtag, like that one dude did last night, however tempting it may be.)

Ok let’s start with my theory about why Dez is going to be one of the most useless Bachelorettes EVER. I feel entitled to my authority on this opinion because there is not a SINGLE episode that has been aired by ABC’s Bachelor franchise that I have NOT seen. I could have put together last week’s episode of “The Bachelor’s Funniest Moments” in my SLEEP. So here’s the problem: the most boring Bachelorettes are the low-drama women on there, like Jillian or Ali. (As opposed to high drama women, like Emily, Ashley or DeAnna.) The Low Drama Bachelorette is actually ok for ratings because she has the ability to draw in some of the crazies: remember the dude with the foot fetish, on Jillian’s season? Or singing Kasey, on Ali’s season? (And for the record, I could recall those men BEFORE I saw Bachelor’s Best Moments last week) But Dear Old Dez is not ONLY a Low Drama Bachelorette, she is utterly and completely DULL. At least Jillian and Ali were entertaining human beings. There was entertaining commentary.

Dez… Dez, on the other hand…

Let’s talk about her opening quote:
        “Picture the best dream you’ve had. Times that by ten and then live in it. That’s where I am right now.” The ONLY time I will spend on this useless statement is to say that I’ve ALWAYS (literally, since third grade) had a problem with people who think that you TIMES numbers instead of MULTIPLYING them. That is all.

Other memorable moments from the useless opening:
- “My biggest fear is for it to all come crashing down.” And just how do things “come crashing down” on this show, Dez?
- “This is the ultimate risk.” Is it, Dez? Is it the ultimate risk? THE STOCK MARKET IS A BIGGER RISK RIGHT NOW, AND IT’S HIGHER THAN IT’S EVER BEEN.
- Dez saying “I’ve never felt so loved” is going to be the overplayed line this season, like aShLeE’s line about Tiara to Sean, when they were lying on the beach: “Who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets.”
- Why is this Honda Civic happening right now? How many times did they have to shoot this mediocre exit from this mediocre car? If it took Andy Baldwin nineteen times to get out of that space car, I can ONLY imagine the retakes for this car. The car itself is actually so mediocre that it doesn't even achieve the effect that I have to assume they were going for, to demonstrate the difference between her normal car and the Bentley. Clearly no one alerted the ABC summer intern/gopher to the fact that the car that they SHOULD have used is sitting in the Douglas Family Garage in Nashville. Referred to as "The Crusier" (short for The Comfort Crusier) and valued at 99$, there is an '89 Oldsmobile Cutlass  that Big Daddy still drives around the neighborhood once a week to keep the battery going...I put the "It Don't Matter to Jesus" bumper sticker on there when I parked between an Escalade and a BMW in high school. I'm JUST saying.)
- Dez says she wants to "give this show an opportunity." How generous of her.
- “I haven’t had the most extravagant life” Well you certainly haven't had the most extravagant haircuts either, sweetie, according to that childhood picture they're showing right now. I've been there. I feel you. This happened:

- Ugh. I miss Sean already.
- Ohhhh I forgot how Dez basically begged Sean to keep her. That was rough. Oh she is CRYING about it right now. Dez, you need to spend some more time with the ABC shrink.

- Honey, it is never a fairytale if cameras are following you around.
- DEZ DOES NOT DESERVE ANDY GRAMMER PLAYING RIGHT NOW.
- Please stop rollerblading. Whose idea was this? See what I mean: she is THAT boring, that we have to get this kind of footage right now. I don’t understand.
- “I’m hoping there’s a man who can control all this love” …as she chases seagulls down the beach. Ohhhh Ephesians 5, here we come. If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

*Brief interjection: There was some kind of Clorox commercial that is supposed to peddle the Bachelorette that is happening right now. I’m pretty sure that the person who came up with this concept was the same person who came up with the whole car thing at the beginning of the episode. It JUST wasn't fully executed.
*Let's take another breif moment to give thanks for a game I like to call Deep Questions With Chris Harrison: “How ready are you though, really?”  READY, HARE. WE ARE SO READY.

- “At the end of this, I could be designing my own wedding dress.” Well we all certainly remember that Dez is a bridal stylist because WHO COULD FORGET HER TOSSING THE BOUQUET INTO THE CHANDELIER that one time.
- Ohhh she’s crying again. Here we go.
- Has Hare written a book about how to smoothly transition from camera to camera? Cause he has MASTERED that skill.

Thoughts on the guys: 

(Note: the period instead of colon after each of their names is intentional. It's like I need a moment to absorb their existence on its own, before beginning my commentary...) 

- Bryden. Bryden reminds me of Ben Affleck. And he should know that you can put a pink handkerchief on that dog, but you can’t make a German Shepherd look girly, Bryden.

- Will. Who says, “A lot of black guys don’t do Bikram yoga.” But I wonder: is he being filmed in a Bikram yoga class? Cause it looks like the Intern Gopher (aka PA to the PA) didn't get the rights to film in the Bikram studio and so they turned and impromptu dance studio into a "sauna" by throwing water on Will and making him pose. Also, whatever exclamations he gesticulated at the end of his intro gave us a glimpse of those pit stains. I salute you, William.

- Drew. Let me do crunches with you. Tell me your ab regimen. Ok stop stewing and brooding over those photos, now. We get it. NOWW.

- Nick R. Well I’m glad it’s not “Big R,” cause that’s what I thought he said his name was, at first. OMG HE’S GOB BLUTH. THIS IS GREAT. TELL ME HE HAS A SEGUE. “I can definitely see Dez being a magician's assistant." He better make a yacht disappear tonight.

- Zac. So full of yuk yuk jokes right now. (Lest anyone be confused about the definition of a yuk yuk joke, it is a joke after which one makes the "yuk yuk" noise, as they chortle to themselves. Sean's Dad pulling a fried armadillo out of the oven on Emily's hometown date with him constitutes a yuk yuk joke.) Did Zac just jump into a lake in loafers and black socks? Oh great: hey Dez, come live in an isolated house with me.  I walk around naked all the time.

- Robert. MARRY ME. I’m also impressed with his sign-spinning tricks. OHHH HIS DOG HAS ONE EYE. There it is.

- What is it with high fives on this season?

- Mike, I have a serious problem with you introducing yourself to America while your hands are cradling the face of a 14 year old girl. Mike thinks he’s a Renaissance man. His whole family is British but he “lost his accent.” I smell a rat.

- Grant. Ohhh Grant has some family baggage. So much family history of addiction happening on this season. “As a kid you just wanna be loved.” Surely that can't be the only thing he learned at Family Week...

LIMO INTRODUCTIONS: 

I can't decide if it's more entertaining to watch nervous girls or nervous guys. Cause girls tend to do some wildly inexplicable things when they're nervous. But guys are so much worse at even attempting to mask their trepidation. Like Drew.
- Drew started holding his arms up for the hug as soon as he stepped out of the limo. Which is a long time to hold your arms up before you meet someone for the first time. And I'm pretty sure he just stared at her chest and kept looking her up and down, the whole time they were talking. EYES UP, DREW.

- At least Brooks caught his “classic mistake” of not mentioning his name at first. But then he kept talking about it. And they’re playing the awkward music under this moment. And I'm really concerned that Brooks Brothers hasn't showered in what looks like a month.

- Whoa Brad. Brad with the wishbone. I’m impressed. (When he talked about the fountain wish, my shoulders started to tense up. But giving a nod to that moment and making a new one of his own? The matchmakers on my other favorite show, "Ready for Love" would be ALL over this.)

- My shoulders are scrunched up to my ears by the end of Bryden's intro

- Michael please don’t have an- NO. no, don’t have an idea right now. Don’t. Please do not. DON’T GET IN THE FOUNTAIN. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY DIDN'T HE HAVE A BACKUP PENNY IN HIS HAND TO JUST PRETEND LIKE HE FOUND IT!? Heaven knows that fountain runs dry when BachelorNation isn't filming there. Don't you try and hug her now: your jacket sleeve is soaked.

- Dear Kasey, if you have to adjust your pants when you step out of the limo, THEY’RE TOO TIGHT. No don’t do the- STOP. DON’T DO HASHTAGS. STOP THIS.

- Bikram Will was so awkward. But I’m not upset about an Athena reference. When he told her that she had to come up with an appropriate Greek Reference for him, am equally cheesy and quick quip would have been, "Well clearly you're an Adonis," but we all know that Quick Quips aren't something with which Dez is overflowing...

- Mikey. Oh Mikey wanted Dez to know that he was sympathetic about her crazy brother. Which really just makes Mikey cray cray.

- Jonathan. Don’t tell me you brought her something. Stop. STOP. STOP IT. Ohhhh a Fantasy Suite card. What to do with this one? I can't even decide how I feel about the fact that he wrote “you may elect to forgo your individual rooms…” His use of "you may elect" is interesting and appropriate. I want to give him points for this. However, I feel like points should be deducted because this phrase has NEVER appeared ANYWHERE on a fantasy suite card. OH JONO JUST GOT SHUT. DOWN. BY DEZ. His subsequent lack of social cue pickup depletes him of any potential points.

- When he stepped out of the limo shirtless, Dez asked Zac if “he forgot something.” Kind of quick on your feet right now, Dez. As he walked away, she said, “Daaamn – NO I’M JUST KIDDING.” Ohhhh Dez. You just ruined it.

- Well look at that, Ronnie from Jersey Shore is here. He wastes NO time in getting really intense with his assertion that “loyalty is love.” I think he said it sixteen times.

- If I spend anymore than a sentence talking about Larry and that dance move gone wrong, my shoulders will French braid themselves around my head...

- Nick – OH GOB BLUTH IS LIGHTING THAT THING ON FIRE RIGHT NOW. I guess it's commendable that it actually ignited, instead of triggering the release of a dead dove from his jacket sleeve.

- Zak is wearing an ensemble that isn't quite "an outfit with a bowtie," but not necessarily a tuxedo. I'm confused.

- Ohhhh here comes the knight. Great. Diogo. You need to leave. Leave now. And there wasn't even a joke to go along with the armor, he’s just WEARING it. One of the guys proceeded to call him "Sir Crazylot." Not too off-base. And Fantasy Suite Guy called him... wait for it, "a shining knight in armor." This will further be addressed in the Verbal Faux Pas Section.

- Michael G... likes men.

- Ohhh I'm liking Chris. Wait. He’s getting down on one knee. Wait. He wants to tie his shoe. He’s full of puns and… and I don’t hate it. 

- Mike… You are not McDreamy. Don't.

- Ugh Robert. You are my soulmate.

- Juan Pablo, she is not getting your linguistic lesson right now. Hope there’s nothing in that candy that she’s allergic to- OH GEEZ HERE COMES A MOTORCYCLE.

- She asks Motorcycle Brandon, “Are you gonna take me for a ride?” I don’t know; is he, Dez?

- Brian. So vanilla.

- Micah. I can't even see what Micah's hand-crafted suit looks like because our TV has sadly gone into Epilepsy Mode, where green becomes the primary color onscreen, but I won't lament this loss.

- Nick “I wanted to do something a little different.” IT’S NOT DIFFERENT. IT’S A POEM?! THAT’S DIFFERENT? Oh look at that: Dez “loves poetry.”

THAT WAS NOT POETRY, DEZ.

- Dan – Beverage Sales Director. What does that even mean?

- Oh no. Noooooo. A kid. Why is there a kid. THIS MAN BROUGHT HIS SON?! Stop. He tells Dez,“I wanted you to know exactly who I’m talking about when I talk about him.” This was possibly the BEST recovery up with which he could have conjured. (I wasn't going to end that sentence with a preposition. I just wasn't.)

Miscellaneous thoughts on the cocktail party: 
- "Hashtag: I want a rose.” STOP.

- I need the matchmakers from Ready for Love to be here right now and tell Ben that he needs to make it about HIM and not his son. He then gets into the mother of his child by saying, “It’s more that two friends having a kid together. And we’re best friends.” MAY DAY.

- I will not dignify the pool charade with commentary. DEZ IS LITERALLY SO VANILLA THAT SHE THINKS IT’S OK TO GIVE THIS GUY A ROSE ABOUT IT.

- Bryden described his dog as “one of my best friends.” Just one of the guys. Except it's my dog.

- Well of course Michael is stoked for it to be “Bachelor eats Bachelor.”

- Ok Drew is turning more and more into a woman by the minute.

- Larry is upset about his dance move. He has clearly been handed glass after glass of champagne by the ABC shrink. He is giving me “glasses on/ glasses off” circa Kitty from Arrested Development. Hammered. He has his wits about him enough to remark that he's glad Fantasy Suite Guy is here, so he's not completely in last place... Hammered.

- Fantasy Suite. Also hammered right now. One-legged push ups. Happening. Brimming with romance (and booze) he claims,“And then I’m gonna try and kiss Desiree on the mouth" and says that his bringing her to the Fantasy Suite is to show that he "has no filter." I'm still not sure what that means. He reminds himself of the ultimate affirmation: “My Mom says I’m good-looking.” And now he’s talking about a Love Tank, and weighing his options of “sitting it out” or “being greedy.” Oh great. What’s this "other side of himself"? I can’t wait. 

...And now he's leaving. And he’s definitely leaving without his blazer. 

Dez told the camera, “I’m not that kind of girl and I don’t want to go to a dark room with him.” She clearly has NO interest in photography.

- This rose dispensing throughout the evening is giving me Max Lucado’s “You are Special,” with the star and dot stickers.

I am SO bored by these guys that I will list who LEFT, not who stayed:

- Diogo “shining knight in armor,” Diogo really doesn’t seem to have a mastery of the English language. He has an explosion of love and feelings within him. But he is at a loss, at being sent home.

- Nick, the Tailor Magician. (Or the Magician Tailor?) Ok wait in his exit interview he turned into a real person. Why didn't he try any of this at the top of the night?

- Mike, the creepy dentist

- Micah, the guy who made his own suit. YIKES.

- Larry, Poorly-Timed Dance Move Guy. He definitely suffered from a first impression gone wrong. Might be the first contestant EVER, to admit that it’s straight up embarrassing to be sent home on the first night.

- And Jonathan, our Fantasy Suite guy.

Final question, after watching the previews for the rest of the season: ARE PEOPLE DYING THIS SEASON? Why is she crying so hard every five seconds?

Last but not least, the section devoted to 

VERBAL FAUX PAS:

Aside from Fantasy Suite calling Diogo a "shining knight in armor," Dez had a few mix-ups with adverbs and prepositions last night. She told the guys "that it meant a lot for me for you to be open…” Did it mean a lot for you or to you, Dez? She commented that her conversation with Bryden just "comes off so natural.” Well I'm sure the conversation was natural, Dezzie, but the way it came off would be naturally. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

(And as always: shoutout to my recap idol, Lincee Ray)

GET. EXCITED.

Stop the presses. First things first: THIS.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexrees/ranking-the-new-bachelorette-contenders-on-promo-photo

I can only hope that ABC (or at least Hare, Himself) sponsored this post.

A few things that are worth discussing:

1) There is a contestant named Bryden. This is perhaps the most EPIC combination name the franchise has ever seen. I will not dignify the the past cumbersomely-named contestants by taking the time to look up names, but the name Bryden is definitely in the leagues of "Camden" or "Kayden" (whether these names belong to a man or a woman is debatable) and of course there's always just the capitalization debacle of "AshLee," that is ALWAYS worth mentioning...

2) There is a contestant named... Not "Dingo," or even "Diego," but... DIOGO. Perhaps it is my uber Nashvillian, WASPy upbringing, but I have never heard of this name in my life.

3) There is also a contestant named Juan Pablo. I expect great things from him. The same kind of great things I would expect from any female contestant named something like Ashley Grace or Lauren Craven. (Note: contestants with those names don't actually exist, but double names ARE something that I can come up with on the fly, due to my Southern roots.)

4) Props to the author for two major inventions: "Car Seat Fabric Blazer" and an outstanding description of Desiree's promo photo-shoot outfit: "Frumpfest."

5) I would also like to propose the theory that perhaps #2, Brad is just wearing... a medical bracelet, perhaps? Is that too hopeful of me?

6) Finally, #19, Robert: Sweetie, if she gives you the early boot, CALL ME.

As of tomorrow, we've got one week to go. Only ONE WEEK left of the Morbid No-Bachelor-Monday.

Riding Off Into the Sunset... ON AN ELEPHANT

I do not mean to flatter myself by implying that everyone was on the edge of their seats, waiting for my commentary on the finale. Or maybe the implication that more than .06 people read this blog. And yes, I do hate myself a little bit for what I’m about to do, in playing the card that is played by EVERY GIRL EVER on this show, who comes from below the Mason-Dixon line: y’all, I just can’t help my Southern upbringing, which guilts me into apologizing for the tardiness of this post, ‘cause it’s real rude to be late.

BUT WHATEVER: I WAS IN CHINA. 
Where they don’t have The Bachelor. 
Or Facebook. 
Or blogspot.com


And while the United flight over there had the entirety of Joe Jonas’ solo album for me to listen to, they didn’t have WiFi. 

But China does have this guy: 

So I watched the finale the night before I left and didn’t get a chance to post it before I entered Communist territory. ONWARD AND UPWARD:

I’m packing for China as I write this. That is not a joke.
I’m also watching this with my mother.
Lou, THE PEANUT GALLERY HERSELF.

        I mean, I consider myself a heavy Movie Talker, but I most certainly learned it from this lady. I threatened to revoke her speaking privileges multiple times in the first fifteen minutes.

        She hasn’t seen any of this season, unless you count keeping up with the US Magazine covers, although she is not new to The Bachelor Franchise: in high school, before DVR existed (ok before it existed for the Douglas Family, anyway) she would watch the show and take notes for me, when I had late rehearsals. Whatta gal. She doesn’t actually know Hare’s name, she just knows him as “THE TOOL,” but she slowly warmed up to him last night, although she had many qualms with the man’s tie.
        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)
        And a final disclaimer: I shall refer to my mother as “Granny,” one of my father’s sick pet names for her that is utterly ill-fitting, yet totally perfect at the same time: the term “granny” calls to mind a wrinkled, sun-baked, cigarette-smoking, possibly-motorcycle-driving redneck. My mother is none of these. So the irony, coupled with her passionate protests against the nickname, make it hilarious.



Memorable Quotes:
- Granny: How can he be in love with two women at the same time?
Grace: THIS IS THE BACHELOR FRANCHISE, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, MA.
- At one point Lindz asserted, “I am consumed by him.”
…For someone who is NOT articulate so much of the time, these are big words.
- Lindz tried to drag the truth out of Sean on their last night with a final plea, “I would just love to know what YOU’RE thinking.” To which he replied something exceedingly vague, which may as well have been, “Yeah but I signed a contract where I can’t say anything until my appearance on the live three-hour season finale and After The Final Rose, k?”
- Sean whined and wallowed in his indecision, whilst in Thailand: “I’m all by myself, here.” To which Granny retorted: “Certainly is a nice place to be all by yourself.”
- And finally, again, in a shocking turn of events, where Lindsay surprised us with her striking verbal clarity in a moment of deep rejection: “I’m gonna go, cause this is painful. And This is my nightmare. And I didn’t see it coming.” YIKESBIKES.

Questions We Have:
(These are all from Granny:)

- “How are they not sweating their asses off?”
- “Where are his shoes?” Sean appeared shoeless on SEVERAL occasions. Is it irreverent to wear shoes in Thailand?
- Granny: “Is he from Thailand?”
Grace: Do you think he’s from Thailand? Why would you ask that?
Granny: Well I didn’t know if they were missionaries. Like your Future Mr. Grace Douglas’s family, the Tebows. Why is the family there?
Grace: BECAUSE THIS IS THE FINALE.


Observations:
- Granny is LOVING Sean’s Dad’s yuk yuk jokes right now. Spoiler alert, Granny: Grace will NOT have a father-in-law who is full of these.
- Sean’s Dad asked Catherine, “Do you believe in the bachelor process? Do you believe it can happen?” These are both great questions. But the tone in which he asked them was indicative that the second was to reiterate the first. When in reality, these are two TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUESTIONS.
- Granny basically got out a notepad and started taking notes on the questions the parents were asking. I have no doubt she’s called Sherry and scheduled a date to go power walking. At the beginning of the segment, she asked, “How do we sign your brother up for this?” But as Sean took his Mama for a little stroll so she could cry it out, a weeping (no joke, the woman was crying) Granny said, “I would NEVER put Davey through that!” Too bad I’ve been sending his application in to Chris Harrison six times a day for the past six years.
- Instead of bringing out the oft over-used Bachelor Scrapbook/Dead Rose Petal Collection, Lindz pulled out a pile of white material, to which my dear friend Katie shouted, “I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WEDDING DRESS AND SHE WAS GOING TO BURN IT.” She proceeded to tell Sean that lighting the lanterns and making wishes were “a thing in Thailand.” Dear Lindz: These lanterns aren’t a ‘thing’ in Thailand, they are a tradition from a magical Disney movie we all call Tangled.
- I love that Catherine is as excited about riding the elephant as every other girl EVER is about riding a helicopter. And apparently she’s so tiny that holding her waist would stabilize NOTHING for Sean, and he has to hold her arms. Or his hands are so large and her waist is SO tiny and short, that he’d be grabbing her chest, if he tried to hang on any other way.
- About Cat, Granny went from, “I’m impressed with her honesty,” to “I really dig her honesty.” WE LOVE CAT’S HONESTY, OVER HERE
- At the LIVE THREE HOUR SEASON FINALE, when Sarah came on the screen I said, “Oh yeah. That’s the girl with one arm. Granny replied, “Well no, she has… one and a half.” Classic.

And finally, everyone’s favorite section: Highlighted Verbal Faux Pas:
While I nearly revoked Granny’s speaking privileges SEVERAL times throughout the night, she is my mother, and it should surprise no one that she’s just as big a grammar snob as I, so it was delightful to have nit-picky company throughout the show. My biggest beef was with Lindz, asking Sean’s dad “Can I have Sean’s hand in marriage?” First of all, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. But secondly, Lindz, let me put it to you like you’d put it to your third graders: Are you asking Mr. Lowe if you’re physically capable of having Sean’s hand in marriage, or if you have his permission? MAY I have his hand in marriage. The lack of question mark at the end of that clause is intentional. Granny had a big problem with the TWO times Sean chose to say, “I think I could have a long marriage with both Lindsay and Catherine, at this point.” Is it a point of deep conflict for you, that you get along so well with BOTH of them, Seannie? No. the conflict lies in the fact that you could choose EITHER of them.



And fortunately, he only picked one. And if those two don’t get married and live happily ever after, I’ll just die. They are so cute that I could literally vomit.

However, my stomach is turned in a NOT pleasant way by Dez the Arnaz being the next Bachelorette. The only redeeming quality is that, while she wasn’t nearly in the leagues of aShLeE or Tiara, in terms of verbal faux pas, I have zero doubt that she’ll come out with a couple of classics, next season.

What Happens When You Don't Say "Good Morning"

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

Ok new plan. I put my iPod on shuffle* and am assigning the first ten songs to our ten favorite ladiez. Don’t ask questions. Don’t judge.

- Sarah: “Too Good to Be True,” Eden’s Edge – “Before I knew it, my heartstrings unwound / I fell faster than a cannon ball; straight down…” I mean, not only did Sarah literally “fall” for Sean, off a building, but figuratively yes, the girl fell faster than a cannon ball…
- aShLeE” “If You Told Me To,” Hunter Hayes – “I’d run through the desert, I’d walk through the rain/ I could be so good at loving you, but only if you told me to…” I’m gonna let this song speak for itself.
- Dez: “Just Stay Here Tonight,” Augustana – “You’ll be the last one, picking up the pieces/you’ll be the last one, standing up strong…” This is going along with Hare’s assertion that Dez was Sean’s soul mate. Cause if Hare thought Dez was Sean’s soulmate, who are we to question their bond?
- Tiara: “Warning Sign,” Coldplay – “Come on in, I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in…” those were more or less the words Tiara said to Sean when he entered the mayhem in St. Croix, just before he sent her home. This is actually one of the most underrated/brilliant songs of Coldplay’s, and doesn’t fit Tiara at ALL, but that one line was too good to resist.
- Selma: “Kiss On My List,” Hall and Oates - …Because Selma’s kiss was not on Sean’s list of “the best things in life.”
- MyBestFriendLez: “It’s Too Late,” Tim Halperin & Haley Orrantia – MBFLesley and Sean will sing this to each other on the day of Lesley’s wedding, obviously. Sean will start with the serenade, “Your dress is white, his eyes are blue, just hope that he takes care of you, my love…”
- Robyn: “Forget About Love,” Return of Jafar – “Love really is revolting: it’s even worse than when you’re molting…” If you never saw this movie then you can just stop reading right now. Robyn needed to forget about Tiara, but definitely forget about love with Sean…
- Catherine: “Little Things,” One Direction – I mean, Cat and Sean talk about their “little things” all the time, don’t they? No one seemed to tell One Direction that “you still have to squeeze into your jeans” is not exactly a winning line, but still, this song seemed fitting…
- Lindsay: “Merry Go Round,” Kacey Musgraves – “We get bored, so we get married…” WHY IS LINDSAY DYING TO SETTLE DOWN AT 12 24?
- “Miss Me,” Andy Grammer – I’m pretty sure Sean could sing this to Emily Maynard any day of the week. That is all.


        I actually didn’t even see all of last night, but the first half that I did see was so repetitive and un-worth it that I don’t even care what aShLeE had to say to Sean.

        I only have one question, followed by MANY memorable quotes and verbal faux pas…

        1) WHO SAID this dark-at-the-top/light-at-the-bottom hair was ok? Seriously, GIRLS. It looks like you had a scalp wound, had to put hydrogen peroxide on it and are now growing out your roots. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS OK. I understand that Giuliana Rancic made this a thing, but she should be punished for doing so.

        The next section can pretty much be split into Tiara and Hare, in terms of documenting memorable things that were said throughout the night. (Or the half of the night I watched)
        America’s favorite host showed a crack in that seemingly-flawless veneer last night, with his redundant concoction of “self-admittedly.” There is no ‘admitting’ that doesn’t involve the ‘self.’ Congrats, Hare: you are now in the leagues of Gretchen Weiners, and her use of “irregardless.”
        I’ve decided that I would like to see Jennifer Lawrence do an interview with Chris Harrison, because she seems capable of calling out a bad question when she sees it. I don’t even want to know what kind of blatantly obvious questions he asked aShLeE, but let’s talk about the time he posed THIS question to Sarah: “When you say ‘it’s always the same thing,’ from guys, what does that mean?”
        WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS, HARE? Digging the knife in isn’t even remotely interesting here, because any man, woman, boy, girl or DOG can answer this question. And is it just me, or were they going a bit overboard on Sarah being a “TOTAL FAN FAVORITE,” last night? I would argue that what “won over” America was Sarah’s candor with the “it’s always the same thing,” comment. Because who can’t relate to that? He did try and access America’s empathy for Tiara when he asked her, “Is this normal? Are you normally misunderstood like this?” Her answer was no.
…Well that was awkward.

And finally, Hare’s brilliant question about Tiara’s engagement: “How did this happen?”
Barbara Walters couldn’t have executed that question anymore beautifully. Someone give this man an Emmy…

        Tiara said a lot of things last night that made zero sense. Mostly it’s just her grammar and vocabulary that needs work. But perhaps one of her most bewildering lines was, “They judge me based off of what I look like, not all my morals I have, as well and the good family I come from…”

…Questions I have, in regards to this:
1) What kind of conclusions do people draw, in their judgment of your appearance? I would also like to take a moment to quote the late, great Oscar Wilde: “It is only shallow people who do not judge my appearances.” Just think about it. John Murdock, you may use that as your next Quote on Twitter. Quitter. Twote?
2) How are they supposed to know your morals, if you give them the stink eye and don’t say good morning, eh?
3) Don’t good families teach you to say “good morning” back? Cause the Douglas Family question of the day is “How did you sleep?” Roommates still think I’m weird, for asking this…

And finally, everyone’s favorite section, featuring the Best Of last night’s verbal faux pas. We’ll start with aShLeE and her phrase, “Bash on people.”

Unless this has been turned into a severe colloquialism without my knowledge, such as “hate on each other,” there is not preposition to soften the blow. People don’t get bashed on, they just get bashed. 

TIARA:
- “I light up in a room.”
…Do you light up in a room, or do you “light up a room”?

- "I can’t tell you what every day happened in the house.”
Tiara meant to use “every day” at the end of the sentence. But the way she said it last night, “every day” would have been a nonessential phrase… Which should have been set off by commas… Which should have induced pauses on either side of it.

-  “Sean and I’s connection”
I just… I’m not even going to dignify this with any attempt at commentary.

- “Ashlee kept pinpointing and poking.”
PICKING. Ashlee kept PICKING at you, Tiara.

- “Heavy on my chest.”
Heavy on my HEART.

- “She ganged up on me…”
I don’t even remember if this was the example phrase that Tiara used to say how “she was always wrong,” with the women, and if so: POOR CHOICE, TIARA. Because a single person cannot “gang up” upon another. This phrase literally has the word “gang” in it, which implies a plurality.


And finally, we shall close with a golden exchange between Tiara and Hare:

Tiara: Who cares about my eyebrow?
Hare: America cares.




*I said “shuffle.” That was a total lie. These are 10 songs from a playlist of about 15 songs on my “Shower Tunes” playlist. It is the only playlist on my iPod. This is because my iPod buttons don’t work, but it plays from the iHome, so I can still have shower tunes - the playlist is never very long because I can’t skip songs – I have to LOVE all the songs that are on there. I didn’t wanna waste anyone’s time by putting all of this extraneous information at the top, but I DO want to take ownership of the fact that I absolutely adore every single song in that list and refuse to apologize for things like One Direction and The Return of Jafar.

Here's to What Could Have Been...

I'm not really sure what is inspiring this post, but I'm just gonna need to take a minute to talk about what kind of Bachelor success COULD. HAVE. BEEN. if these bozos had ANY discernment about choosing a soul mate. We will go in chronological order:

1) Sean: MyBestFriendLesley said "Oh she's just being Miley," and Lez's best friend Grace said, "OH SEAN SHOULD HAVE WIFED YOU." 

 2) Emily: I'm really sorry, but I LOVED Ryan and Emily together. I mean yeah, he said some weird things but they kept each other on their toes. And let's face it: Emily is a trophy wife. Sigh.

3) Ben: Obviously we all know Ben's real soulmate is a one Rita Spellings, but in terms of who was on the show, this was by far the best match. (I was totally a fan of Kacie B, due to her "I just want it to be over. To just be the two of us, together in real life, going to the grocery store..." BECAUSE THAT IS REAL LIFE, as opposed to the usual shtick we hear, like Michelle Money's "I want us to ride off into the sunset and see lots of fireworks in the background..." that is, UNTIL KACIE WENT CRAY, ON SEAN'S SEASON...) But I'm pretty sure this girl Emily was a Paleontologist or something; she was definitely getting her PhD... And she DEFINITELY had a sense of humor... 

4) Brad: If nothing else, this picture says it all. I don't know where they are (Africa? I can't remember...) but that hat is too good. As is Chantal. I thought they were great together. Remember when it rained on their date and they were both totally chill about it? Soul. Mates. 

(I would, however, now like to make the pitch that Brad get together with aShLeE from Sean's season... Right??)

5) If ever there was a major mess-up in Bachelor History, it was this one. Ali and Frank were meant to be. I think I cried when Frank announced his departure. I'm totally kidding; I didn't, but Frank stands at the summit of Bachelor Mountain for myself, as well as for Kirk and Rebecca Johnson, and anyone else who is willing to admit that they have a soul. Here's to you, Frankie.

6) Is Tenley still with Kiptyn? I don't know. They were definitely cute together. And I'm no fan of Jake's, but did anyone NOT see that this was a match made in heaven? Clearly America never would have had to see the raging angry Jake that appeared during his VERY public break up with Vienna, if he had picked Tenley in the first place...

7) Ugh. I don't even have words. Reid was by far my favorite contestant on the show EVER and why Jillian broke his heart a SECOND time, when he came back to propose, I'll never know. Especially when we all knew a life with Ed was not promising. As he made VERY clear to us on Season 3 of Bachelor Pad... 

8) I mean, yay Jason and Molly. But I also need the record to show that I thought DeAnna and Jason were PERFECT. I don't know what's going on in this picture, but I won't fight it. Remember when having a kid and being a contestant on the show was a big deal? Cause he didn't tell her until he was in the final five, or something... And seriously, the ONE time in all of Bachelor history EVER that I have cried was on Jason's hometown date, when he saw his son for the first time in weeks. DeAnna cried too. They were meant to be. 

9) And finally... The biggest Bachelor FAIL of all time goes to the couple who could have been: Bob and Kelly Jo. To this day, I read spoilers compulsively because when Bob picked Estella instead of Kelly Jo, I was SO infuriated that when the phone rang and it was my good friend Laura Grace, I answered the phone with violent yelling, wondering WHY THE UNIVERSE (Chris Harrison) COULD LET BOB MAKE SUCH AN EGREGIOUS MISTAKE. 

....LG was calling to tell me that her dog, Lupe, had been run over that day and was no longer with us. 

(If I'd known to whom he proposed, beforehand, this never would have happened.) I told a fifth grader that I baby sit for about the Estella/Kelly Jo debacle and when we were at the grocery store last week, she saw the US Weekly cover with Sean Lowe's face on it, as well as the word "Bachelor," and she pointed to Lindsay and Catherine and said, "Which one is Estella?" 

Touchdown. 

(I was so impressed by her listening skills and remembering the name 'Estella' that I didn't point out that the whole point of the story was that I was in fifth grade when it happened, just like she is now...) 

I also made a Bachelor reference in order to coax her younger brother to learn his multiplication tables, so he wouldn't say "11x11=141" on national television one day... 

Spreading the love of Bachelor Nation, one fifth grader at at time... SO THEY WON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES ONE DAY. 

11x11 = 141

        This post is dedicated to a one Eric Aboozer. And by that, I obviously mean, “Erica Boozer.” It’s almost as fun to say her name that way as it is to say my name “Gray Stouglas.” And due to how quickly I say my name sometimes, certain people (one in particular, who will remain anonymous) are prone to think that’s my name.

        To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)
     

   While she was watching on the east coast, my dear friend Katie was remarking on HOW. CRAZY. aShLeE is, “I mean, you know her therapist is shaking her head right now, because AsH is PSYCHO. WHY DOES SHE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE?!” I replied, “Her shrink isn’t shaking her head right now, she’s probably shopping online because she knows she’s gonna make a killing when AsH gets back and needs SIX. SESSIONS. A. DAY, to mend her broken heart…” I also realized soon after that: it’s not that AsH is crazy. It’s that she’s had SO much therapy and is, in fact, so UN-crazy, that she’s leaps and bounds ahead of the other girls, when it comes to articulating her emotions. Middle America is used to a giddy Lindsay saying that she “gets tongue tied, every time I try to tell Sean I love him,” that AsH turning the whole Polar Bear plunge into a Family Week ropes course exercise is "crazy" to us. Girl is not off her rocker. She’s just rocking so intensely that… she’s gonna get sent home.

        And her cold exit? Let’s get one thing straight right now: that’s the equivalent of any other contestant getting into the fetal position and rocking back and forth and crying about rejection. She reverted back to a deeply ingrained defense mechanism, that she LEARNED WHEN SHE WAS FOUR, as we all know, of putting up walls and shutting people out. Most children learn early on to recoil and self-soothe and protect themselves. aShLeE learned early on to throw up the big D (…defense, hello?) and be an icy brick wall. Which means that if she hadn’t been so taken aback by the rejection, she would have cried her eyes out, in a breakdown for which sadistic Bachelor Nation was waiting. But due to her shock, she immediately reverted to the only thing she knew: ICY BRICKS AND DAGGER EYES.

I didn’t mean to turn this into a psychology thesis, but there it is.

MOVING ON:

1) Fantasy Suite: Lindsay 
Observations:
- Sean says that “traveling is a test” and thinks this time with Lindsay is going to be very telling of their relationship. Hey Seannie? Just a heads up: you might wanna try the kind of “traveling” your Dad did, to set a world record and spend SEVENTY TWO HOURS IN THE CAR with a girl. That will tell you about compatibility…
- SEAN, LINDSAY DOESN’T WANT TO EAT BUGS; LEAVE HER ALONE.

Questions I have: 
- How many times did it take Sean to say the name of the resort and city where they are, that smoothly?
- Ok who says the girls have to say “I love you”? Is it just me, or is Sean digging around for that proclamation like it’s some kind of notch in his belt? It’s getting old…

Memorable Quotes: 
- “Worrisome” is the word Sean chose to use, about this week of dates. About the intimate, alone-time-with-no-cameras dates. Worrisome.
- “To know that someone I like so much is… in love with me is… humbling.” I put certain words in bold that should be noted as having HUGE CONTRAST.
- “I thought Lindsay could be crazy. And not a good kind of crazy.”
- “If we end up together, this is what a normal vacation would be like.” Oh, would it, Lindsay? Have you cleared that with Seannie? That your “normal” vacations will be to Thailand?
- “This is not supposed to be pink…” What a Christian way to put it. Sean’s subtext, here: JESUS DIDN’T MAKE THE BIRD PINK. THIS IS WRONG.
- Ok so Lindsay can say “I’m so excited for our life to start,” but she can’t say “I love you”? Because all she has to say is “I know you might dump me tomorrow, but you should know that I love you.” But to talk about their future life together? THAT is no-holds-barred vulnerability, people. Which only reiterates the point that Lindsay has the maturity of a seven year old.
-  Lindsay: I love you
    Sean: I love hearing you say that.
   Grace: Good one, Sean.

2) Fantasy Suite: aShLeE 

Observations:
- I mean, we get it, Sean. You’re looking for a woman to fulfill Ephesians 5:22. You want her to submit. You want her to hold onto you like you’re a darn life preserver, as you excavate a dark cave. Your inability to be straight-forward and articulate this Messianic need to be needed, in addition to these bug-eating, cave-excavating “tests,” make me “trust” you less and less.
- I have no idea what just happened in the exchange between AsH and SeAn about the Fantasy Suite. I’m pretty sure she was trying to say, “I’m not gonna have sex with you and I don’t want you to think that (unless you DIDN’T have sex with the other two, then I might consider it) also my shrink told me I should use the word 'boundary.' But we’re not having sex.”
        …Instead there were a lot of vague references and suddenly all three girls seemed to turn into Catherine’s sister, when it comes to talking about the Fantasy Suite, with their ability to not actually say anything specific, just make oblique inferences…
- OH SHE’S TELLING HIM ABOUT HER RING SIZE. I’m done.

Questions I have: 
- Am I missing something? WHAT has Sean done to gain Ashlee’s trust, in this sea-cave business?! He doesn’t know what he’s doing – what is supposed to make him a good candidate for Leader, here?

Memorable Quotes: 
- “I’m more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my life…” …IN AN UNDERWATER CAVE, SURROUNDED BY A PRODUCTION TEAM?! THAT’S THE MOST VULNERABLE YOU’VE BEEN?
- “My commitment is to Sean and my commitment is to change my way of thinking.” AsH’s shrink gave herself a HUGE pat on the back for this one.
- “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety, every time.” This, THIS is why I say Sean has a Messiah complex. Because Seannie, you CAN’T get AsH to safety, every time, Honey.

Ok, I kind of hate myself a little, for standing on my feminist soap box right now, but the Allison Norris within me will NOT be silenced. If you have any desire to read further about why I have such a beef with Sean’s Messiah complex, read the following article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704409004576146321725889448.html

(See what I did there with “beef”? Yuk yuk yuk) But seriously: Sean acts like the girls are the outlier, for not being uber quick to put their trust and faith in him. I would argue that SEAN is the outlier: I’m sorry, men of America, but maybe if you stepped up your game, women wouldn’t have such a hard time letting go of this panicked sense of independence that we’ve had to develop.

   



Ok. My feminist rant is over.

- “This man has literally healed my broken heart.” I think we’re done here.

3) Fantasy Suite: Catherine

Observations:
- I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR TONGUE AGAIN, SEAN.
- So glad they’re making the Fantasy Suite about “time together.”
- There are many reasons why I’d be a terrible contestant on this show. I find that I am rarely tempted to apply for such. But last night marked a rare time where I found myself tempted to apply, JUST to get to Fantasy Date Week, so upon being handed the card from Hare, I could say to the Bachelor, “I will absolutely go to the Fantasy Suite with you… IF you can recite the contents of this letter, by heart. BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN.”
- I have no idea why Hare came on and started talking about-
           Oh. It’s a promo for that Wizard of Oz thing.
- I’m waiting for one of these women to be asked, “Where do you see us in 5 years?” and reply “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!”

Questions I have:
- Why can’t Sean move to where one of these women live? Why do they all have to be ready to move to HIS home?
...Sorry. I’ll shut Feminist Grace back in the closet.

Memorable Quotes:
- “I’m pretty traditional, in terms of relationships…” Cat, you’re turning into your sister here, LOOK OUT. What she means to say is: “I know I come off as a hipster, which indicates that I’d be all about casual sex, but I’m not gonna hop in the sack with just anybody…” Instead, we get Vague Bachelor Contestant, who totally skirts around what she really means, here…
- “I’m attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the Fantasy Suite…” I don’t even know what to say about this, Seannie, except for: YIKES BIKES.
- “When we’re together, I feel like he’s mine and I am his.” Ohhhh you know King Solomon Sean LOVED hearing that line, when he was watching last night.

4) Rainy Rose Ceremony:

- Sean’s eyes are contesting Hare’s, for brilliance right now.
- If I had to leave Sean a video message, I would sing Hunter Hayes’ “Somebody’s Heartbreak.” The end.
- Is Sean wearing lipstick, as he watches these video messages? ALSO, can I get a slow clap for Arie’s video message, this time last season? Or rather, the outtakes of his video message? Cause they were epic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKEOJ4Qyiio
- Ash looks SMOKIN’ for the Rose Ceremony. Have fun breaking her heart, Seannie.
- OH NO SHE’S GONNA CRY, MID-VID-MESSAGE. “I believe that together, we are whole.” SOMEONE STOP THIS. AsH, Honey, only Jesus can make you whole. Sean can’t do it.
- THEY’RE ALREADY PLAYING THE DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EXIT/LIMO RIDE OF REJECTION GUITAR CHORDS AS SEAN FINISHES ASH’S VIDEO; WHAT IS THIS? WE’RE NOT EVEN TO THE LEXUS RIDE OF SHAME YET! (Anyone else notice it was a Lexus? Good one, Thailand.)
- I will close with a classic delivery of Cat’s: “She… She didn’t say goodbye to us.”


And just like the show closes with bloopers each week, I will close with some classic verbal faux pas from the women:

- Lindsay: “I do take this serious.”
Grace: YOU ARE A TEACHER, LINDZ. LEARN TO USE ADVERBS.

- aSh: “It’s pitch dark.”
Grace: IT’S PITCH BLACK, AsH.

- AsH: “That doesn’t set well with me.”
Grace: SIT WELL. That doesn’t “sit well,” aShLeE.

- Cat: “I feel great. My head is in the clouds.”
Grace: Oh Catty Whack. You possess the strongest ability to be generally articulate, among the women, so I’ll forgive you. But this is the second time you’ve incorrectly spoken about “your head” and “clouds.” A head in the clouds indicates that someone is not thinking through their actions. You meant to say “I’m walking on air.” But aShLeE left without saying goodbye: it’s been a tough week for you. You're forgiven.

He's A General with HOW MANY Stars?

Shoutout to a one Buck Curley this week, who sent me the following picture, with the caption: “Your brother woke up to a single rose in his apartment this morning. He doesn’t know why. Is he the Bachelor?”  

I replied: “Well I had to tell him SOMEHOW that I sent his bio to Chris Harrison…

MOVING ON.

To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these ladies are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary, and her attempt to be an ounce of the funny that is achieved by a one Lincee Ray, who is the Chris Harrison to my “Ladies. Sean. This is the final rose tonight. Sean, whenever you’re ready…” (http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/)

HOMETOWN DATES

1) aShLeE

Observations:
- Anyone who would “take lightly” the meeting of the parents… wouldn’t introduce someone to their parents anyway, aSh. Stop patting yourself on the back…
- Ohhhh and we’re BACK TO FAMILY WEEK. AsH “submerged” her “feelings” in the polar bear plunge waters. Don’t get me wrong: AsH has clearly done a lot of emotional work. This is healthy. This is great. But I will now quote Miranda Lambert: “GO AND HIDE YOUR CRAZY AND START ACTING LIKE A LADY…”
- WHOAAA Mama brought it full circle. aShLeE was abandoned. And she has abandoned herself to Sean. BOOM.
- Sean is cleverly masking his judgement as he asks Daddy about AsH’s previous marriage. Whatever he says certainly doesn't come out as “HOW COULD YOU LET HER RUN OFF WHEN SHE WAS SEVENTEEN, BRO?!”

Questions I Have:
- Why is aShLeE just finding out that Sean’s father is ordained?
- I’m JUST curious: did AsH bring home… her first husband? Can we get some pictures of her first wedding? Anyone?
- Why is Sean giggling as he anticipates that Ash’s father might ask if he loves her?
- aSh goes on for about fifteen minutes to the camera about how she DOESN’T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE to get married… Are you SURE it’s just marriage that you “don’t wanna wait for,” Ash?

Memorable Quotes:
- “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was…” I’m pretty sure I said this last week, but: MAYDAAAAAY.

- “I’ve loved… and I’ve had boyfriends…” SHE’S NEGLECTING TO MENTION THAT SHE HAD A HUSBAND.
- “I wanna know what y’all have done up till now…” DO YOU, PAPA FRASIER?
- Ash: “Y’all are gonna have to forgive me. There was a lot of romance.”
   Sean: “All in fun, of course.”
   Grace: Please excuse me while I get in the fetal position.
- “What are your intentions for aShLeE? Are you gonna break her heart?” Mama practiced this one in the mirror a few times. And by “a few” I mean "fifty." I'm pretty sure the women at her Bible Study told her that if she said it dramatically enough, it would be shown as many times as Sean's "Don't put your hands on me," in the promos...
- Sean asks Papa Fraz, “Would you be ok with me asking her to marry me?” Lemme tell you what kind of “asking for your blessing” wouldn’t fly with my father: THIS ONE. “Are you ok with it?” I’M NOT OK WITH HOW YOU POSED THAT QUESTION, SEANNIE.
- “I had a connection with her and I fell in love with her.” – I GOT PROBLEMZ WITH THIS ANALOGY, Papa Fraz.
- “Today was magical. It’s like there was little pixie dust everywhere.” 

....I don't even really have a comment... about that comment...


2) CAT: 
Observations: 
- I have NO idea what is going on with the fish and the yelling, but I’m not upset about it. And I want Sean and Cat to be my best friends NOW.
- Catherine is by far the most articulate lady of the four. I don’t find this upsetting.
- Wow. That being said, we are now watching her sister as she literally says nonsense. No wait. "Nonsense" isn't even accurate, because that implies that she'd use actual WORDS. She's just gesturing and letting Sean fill in the blanks. Joel McHale better address this on The Soup.
- Well, Sean certainly never did get that blessing, from Cat's Mama.

Questions I have: 
- Is aShLeE compulsively organizing her DVD collection, in agony, as she watches this?
- This is by no means a racial comment, but a Disney one. Anyone else getting “Would you like to stay for dinner/ WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?” From Cat’s Lola? 

Memorable Quotes:

- Sean says, “If I know Catherine…” So there’s a possibility that you DON’T know Cat?
- Cat: It’s slippery:
  Fish guy: I know; it’s a fish.
- “I never worry about being the cool guy in front of Catherine… Because that’s impossible. I love that. I never wanna be the cool guy with Catherine.”
- “I don’t think in the clouds.” She needed to say her head isn't in the clouds. But this is her first verbal mistake, so I’ll forgive her.
- “She's either very happy or very… focused.” Good save, Sister of Cat.
- “Her sisters brought up things that make me doubt our relationship.” (Like… you’re worried that she’ll turn into her older sister and never use actual words again? Or be really messy? Or be in a really “focused” mood?)

3) Lindsay: 

Observations: 
- I’m gonna vote that Linz’s “youthful energy” can be attributed to… HER AGE. 
- This whole army role playing thing. I’m not digging it.
- At the rate we're going, I’d hate to see Sean meet a FOUR star general… 
- If I were Lindz’s dad watching at this point, I’d be offended that she had apparently done nothing to defend her Dad from appearing as a vengeful villain in Sean’s mind. 

Questions I have: 
- Are they, or are they not going to tell General Daddy about their drunken first night? 
- …Why does Lindz not know her father’s title? 

Memorable Quotes: 
- “If my parents like him… I’ll be ready… To tell him I’m falling in love with him.” Spoiler alert, Lindz: aSh beat you by two weeks… 
- “I love cupcakes.” Ah, the most magical words for a man to utter... 
- “Ive never taken home a boyfriend that I’m serious about...” So you've only taken home boys you’re NOT serious about? 
- “He just wants to see me happy and doesn't want anyone to get in the way of that.” I mean, my dad wants a lot of things for me... however, morphing into DESTROYER MODE, to annihilate anyone who "gets in the way," is not at the top of his list. 
- Lindz has been waiting for this, “ALL MY LIFE.” ...all twenty four years? COME ON. 

4) Dez: 

Observations: 
- RUNYON CANYON, GET OUT OF MY FACE WITH YOUR STUPID YAPPY DOGS. I would like to take a moment to give a shoutout to a one Andy Patton, former Latin teacher, who introduced me to the term “drop and kick dog,” that is defined, as he put it, by “if it’s the kind of dog that you can, you know, drop and kick.” Dorothy Williams’ face turned an indignant bright red when he asked her if this was the case with her dachshund, and since I’ve moved out here, I think about drop and kick dogs almost every day. Mind you, my precious dog Achates (named after a character in Vergil’s Aeneid = Latin is life) is the size of a drop and kick dog. She will do anything to stay next to warm body. I’m still kind of uncertain as to how this picture happened, but somehow she wedged herself between all the pillows to get closer to my mom: 

THE POINT IS: I wouldn’t take Catie to Runyon Canyon and make her schlep all the way to the top. But these hippie actors out here can’t stand to be alone for one minute, so they haul their poor drop and kick dogs through the canyon. And Sean and Dez passed about fifty of them.

- THIS BOYFRIEND THING IS THE WORST. PRANK. EVER. It is seriously a toss-up: making Dez think she owed 1.5 million dollars, or making Sean’s blood pressure rise to unreasonable heights. Your pranks SUCK, guys.
- Wait I’m loving Dez’s parents right now.

Questions I have:
- Every day, Sean? You walk your dogs every day?
- Anyone remember that girl on London Bachelor Matt Grant’s season, who had the fake parents come out for a minute? With the mom that was crazo hitting on Matt? That was pretty funny…
- See how un-fun it is to be pranked, Sean?
- Why is the brother’s accent so much thicker than Dez’s?
- If Seanskii isn’t good enough for Nate… who is?
- Why are Dez and the parents letting Nate get away with this kind of behavior right now? Is this real life?
- And finally, lemme tell you who WOULDN’T put on the kind of show that Nate just did. THIS GUY: 

(But seriously, Davey: you have about ten more seconds left to live before I sign you up to be the next Bachelor. WHO’S WITH ME?!) 

Memorable Quotes:
- “Because I did miss you so much, I realized that I don’t want to miss you.” Like I said... Dez seriously reminds me of every girl I NEVER liked in life.
- “What am I about to do to this guy?” SOMEONE IS THERE TO GUARD AND PROTECT DEZ'S HEART.
- “Just don’t fall for nobody.” …Did her brother just say that to Dez?
- Sean says to Crazy Brother, “I’m sorry I gave you that opinion.” – IMPRESSION, Sean. I’M SORRY I GAVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION.

5) Rose Ceremony: 
- So glad Hare has adopted the use of “chopping block,” from Bachelor Pad. Also delighted that we’re back in front of the Headshot Bookshelf.
- You know those stories about people blindly following the voice of God? I’m in no way knocking these kind of stories. I’m just commenting on the fact that THE ROSE CEREMONY was probably never a place where one thought that this would be the case.
- Why is Dez whispering to Sean right now? Can I also get a slow clap for the time that Crazy-Eyed-Chris pulled Emily aside before the rose ceremony? Cause I thought we were actually going to witness cardiac arrest on national television, that day.
- How sweet that Kacie B let Lindz borrow her dress.
- Hare offers his advice: “Get this right.” OMG THANKS HARE, IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
- Honestly if I were Cat or Dez right now, I would have just walked out. If he was that unsure of who he wanted to be with, he should just send them both home. (Also, why didn’t Hare come out to announce it was the final rose?)
- Oh wait. I DID just walk out at that moment. To go get my roommate from the airport. Don’t say I didn’t qualify for the Friendship Award, 2013. I’m too lazy to wade through all the commercials on ABC.com right now, but I DO look forward to seeing the fallout of Dez, in the Limo Ride of Shame.

SEAN IS GOING TO TELL US ALL TONIGHT.