Like My Tattoo Says....

Guys. I still stand by the fact that “Like my tattoo says, ‘You can’t love someone unless you love yourself,’" is one of the GREATEST things that’s ever been said on this show.

Miscellaneous observation: during the previews of the show tonight, it looks like they’re gearing up to tell us that Ben came out of the closet…

Lezzbe real about it: This post is dedicated to Grace C. Douglas. Is a self-dedication as gratuitous as a nude selfie, circa Kim Kardashian's Instagram? Sure. BUT BETTE MIDLER CAN THROW SHADE AT ME ALL DAY CAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THURSDAY AND I DO WHAT I WANT. (But please, Bette, feel free to throw shade. I'd love any and all attention from you.) If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner eating ALL the cookies.

Current mood: ready to find love (and cookies)

Bachelor Nation field trip: The baby with “#HOMETOWNS” onesie is EVERYTHING. The producers are patting themselves on the back for coming up with the line about “bachelor across the generations…” that Ben was able to throw in there, about the baby...

As the show started, Tina (honorary member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery and girlfriend to  esteemed LRPG member Bryan) was going to go home and do laundry. I turned the volume up and sat back on the couch, “Just stay and watch him introduce the ladies, Tina. You know you want to see who's had their roots touched up...” Bryan rolled his eyes, “Grace, you are the WORST influence. You are terrible.” I replied, “Oh come on, Bry. You know this is my only vice. I’m not the one to say 'Come on, Tina, do one more shot. Stay out for one more song…' No, I just influence people to stay for the show. I ONLY CARE ABOUT THE SHOW."

....Tina and Bryan stayed for a while.

So tonight we have: Lace, Tiara, Amber, Jami, Izzy, Rachel, Jubilee, Jennifer, Shushanna, Lauren H, Olivia, Leah, Becca, Haley, Emily, Amanda, and Caila. What we DON'T have is Mandi, that girl that wore the giant rose headband on the first night. What's that about? And what about that girl, LB? I think I liked her. But she was on Johnny's fantasy team, Maybe it's better that she isn't there...

Random thoughts:

- I’M SO EXCITED TO SEE LEAH FACE THE WOMEN FOR WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT LAUREN B. Update: it wasn't nearly what I dreamed that it would be. Even Ben didn't give her too much flack about it. What a let down.

- Olivia’s eye lashes need some WORK. Is it that they need heavier eyeliner over the adhesive? More mascara? Allison Norris, please weigh in, here. Thank you.

- Shout out to Dad Lyfe Himself, Chris Harrison, casually manning the fort with that chicken running around: “Lace, you got Sheila?”


I think part of the reason that I love this episode so much is because the women are perhaps more desperate in this studio than they are in the premiere. It's like they've all told themselves "I have to look so good that he'll lament what he can't have now..." Which basically equated to... CLEAVAGE. You guys. There was SO much cleavage last night! Good GRIEF, Charlie Brown, put the girls AWAY! Im'ma be real candid, here: I wouldn't know anything about it. I realized pretty early on that my chest wasn't going to get me attention, so I better learn to be the funniest girl in the room if I wanted attention. But you know who never had to learn that? EVERY GIRL ON THAT STAGE LAST NIGHT. Special shout outs to Jami and Hailey and Jami. And Jami. Hey, it's only fair: Jami CLEARLY never learned to be the funniest girl in the room, soooooo....

Loving the race conversation that’s happening right now. It’s so tense yet so very meaningless. We haven’t seen anything this tense and meaningless since Marquel and JJ on Dorfman’s season. You know the producers love it cause it means drama, but they're all super WASPy themselves, so they don't even really know how to incite a racially charged conversation, which means there's just random accusations flying. The producers have so much more control over other tense moments because they can set them up and draw them out of people how they want to, but the race discussion is always more of a crapshoot and it makes very little sense and I LOVE it.

Harrison brings Jubilee down to the hot seat for her audition as The Bachelorette. She tries to differentiate herself by saying that Ben’s brand is “unlovable.” Hers is “hard to love.” Right now the only thing about her that is hard to love is those eyelashes that she's struggling with, but who's to say? She'd be a whopping mess of a Bachelorette and would prove much more entertaining than Baby Caila, but my only problem with her is that she seems to spend so much time whining about how "complicated" and "layered" she is. You guys know my beef with people who over-peddle their own "flaws"....

Harrison tells Jubes: “One thing I hope you realize is that a guy as terrific as Ben saw you and got you. I hope you realize that you are that person.” THANK YOU FOR THE DAD WISDOM, HARE.

Ok this guy that has Lace’s face as his tattoo… I don’t even know what to say. BUT I'M SO UNBELIEVABLY STOKED THAT LACE WILL BE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

What I have to say about Olivia is that... her jumpsuit was a nice choice. The women on this show seem to choose dresses for the Women Tell All that are great for standing, but not for sitting. Big Liv chose something that is great for sitting and I COMMEND her for that.

This girl Izzy, who is talking about bullying to Olivia… WHO IS SHE. Lack of question mark intentional.


CAROLYN: I hate how the “Teen Mom” comment was an insult. Do you know how much those women have overcome? I’ve been with these women for seven years. They had babies that are actual humans now. And MAN, are they going to be messed up...

Caila’s jumpsuit and earrings. Also a good choice. OH GEEZ NOW HARE IS ASKING HER HOW SHE THOUGHT THAT REJECTION DAY WAS GOING TO GO. He is pulling out the DAGGERS tonight! Strictly in terms of auditions, I couldn't make a call between Jubilee and Caila for the next Bachelorette. Although... can we just acknowledge that Caila's face looked fuller? MORE POWER TO HER, I'M NOT JUDGING, I'M JUST REMARKING. (I know, I know: Lena Dunham isn't letting anyone photoshop her anymore and I'm over here calling ladies 'fat,' Happy Women's Day.) 

Ok true life: I have heard NOTHING of Ben and Jubilee's squabbling, because I was too busy looking for this clip: start watching at 3:30, when Kaitlyn says hi to Ben at the Men Tell All: (just watch his salutation. It's all you need to see.) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOVhjyEBqZg

One final note: who are we kidding: Ben could tell Emily and Hailey apart because the women were seated in ascending order! DON'T TRY AND PULL A FAST ONE ON AMERICA, HARRISON!

Whew, I'm exhausted. So much ranting. I love it all.

Ugh, I'm in a glass case of emotion about next week. I think he's going to pick Lauren B, but I'm still standing by JoJo being a better choice (once more: WE CANNOT IGNORE how he says "I'm most myself with JoJo."  WE CANNOT IGNORE'T!!)

If you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

Fireworks in His Eyes, in My Heart, And in the Sky...

Thoughts on the opening:

BEN: I think Jamaica could be a great place to fall in love.

JOHNNY: And it smells like weed. I am so stoned right now.

BEN: We will be doing really romantic things.

CAROLYN: Like having sex. That’s romantic. We will be doing that. 

JOHNNY: Are those floating pillows in that mini pool in this shot?

GRACE: I was thinking floating tea bags…

This post is dedicated to Mary Grace Toler. Mary Grace and I go way back, all the way to out here in California on a week long retreat with our Dads... There was hiking, ropes courses, and obviously... Friendship. Mary Grace has been a fan for quite a long time and we all know that there are fewer ways to my heart than, well, being a fan. (And yes: "fan of Grace" amd "fan of the show" are interchangable here, and pretty much always in my life...) THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, MG.

First Overnight: Caila

Something has GOT Caila’s goat. She is speaking ZERO words on this date. Ben remarks upon her mood at dinner. She acts like he is Indiana Jones and his observation of her mood is a discovery of the lost arc "It's soooo crazy that you picked up on my mood..." Yada yada, she tells him she’s in love with him, and her telling of it is like it’s a book report for which she wasn’t prepared, and then they suck face. There is no other phrase for what they did. I saw so much tongue. Whew, we're only two paragraphs in and I've said "sex" and "tongue" already. Oy.

JOHNNY: She is gonna BANG him tonight.

CAROLYN: I bet she’s a freak in the sheets.

JOHNNY: Totally. But are we fetishizing Asian women by saying that? *whispers* YES.

Let’s talk some logistics: we know that he professes his love to TWO women… in the preview where we saw that, it was definitely night time when he said it… NIGHT TIME HAS PASSED AND HE HASN’T SAID IT TO CAILA.

Down in flames... 

Overnight Date: Lauren B

It is very, VERY obvious that Lauren B can NOT walk in those shorts. Not to mention the fact that she planned that shirt with the thought that she’d be standing for the date, not sitting on a boat. I'm JUST saying...

Two thoughts about this date:
1)

Take what ye can. Give nothin' back. 

2) The only important thing about sea turtles is a WONDERFUL Nicholas Sparks film, written for Miley Cyrus, also featuring a wonderful performance from Greg Kinnear, “The Last Song.” What a classic. “You read Tolstoy and take up arms to defend innocent sea turtles. This ice cube act's not working..." (no but Liam Hemsworth is a DREAMBOAT in that movie and I'm super ok with it)

Come on. You're not mad at this, K. Bocksel

After (maybe) saving some baby sea turtles, the two sit on the beach and Ben whines that Lauren is out of his league. I don’t know how I feel about that. I think you should always feel like you got the deal in a relationship, but there’s something self-deprecating about Ben’s tone that doesn’t seem to bode well… 

Quick note: I've always been of the school of thought that the Bachelor isn't actually prohibited from saying "I love you," it's just heavily discouraged. Because it's never really been addressed in a way that makes me convinced that it's formally disallowed. Right?

Also... There's no WAY I could make it all the way through the day and wait 'til night time without saying it, like Lauren B did. Granted, I would probably be so overwhelmed that I'd shout "I love you!" then do something spastic like chucking a baby sea turtle in the ocean, but still. I couldn't wait till the end of the day. Absolutely not. When I was in elementary school, we had this babysitter named Ann who was (and let's be real: still is) my idol. She told us that when her Dad proposed to her mom, he was going to take her to some beautiful park and do it there, but he was too excited and he did it at a rest stop on the way. You'd think that 9 year old Grace would be horrified that Mr. Jennings couldn't wait till the park overlook, but I've always been super ok with that story. If you have good news, get it OUT there. (I suppose this is the equivalent of people swooning over the When Harry Met Sally quote about wanting the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, blah blah... Basically: propose to me at a rest stop, Future Mr. Grace Douglas. I don't want no viral video proposal...)

Let’s talk about this… Lauren prefaces her love confession with “I guess there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…”

I’VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU?!

What the actual-

Welp... Then Ben did himself ZERO favors by saying it back to her. We are officially in unchartered waters, people. Ben closed the door, they probs played Scrabble and went to bedsies. Totes adorbs.

Ohhhhh I did NOT need to see Lauren’s clothes on the floor, post fantasy suite night. I 100% did not need to SEE that.

Overnight Date: Jojo

Well... we know that JoJo has read 'The Five Love Languages," as she tells the camera that her love language is words of affirmation. In an UN-shocking turn of events, she tells Ben she loves him. HE TELLS HER THE SAME THING. 

What is HAPPENING?

JOHNNY: He should just pick JoJo, and if it doesn't work out, he can blame it on the brothers. 

Y'all. Is he going to pick JoJo? I've been thinking Lauren B this whole time but like... what is going on right now? 

CAROLYN: I really hope this is a Sandals resort.

GRACE: They're all at a Sandals Resort. 

JOHNNY: Really?

GRACE: Yeah. Haven't you seen all the signs?

JOHNNY: Sandals is where Michael and Jan went on The Office. He took a topless picture of her. This is so great. There were billboards for Sandals all over the Jersey turnpike. 

This part with Caila is so painful I can't even stand it. She knows. As soon as they sit down, she knows. (She later confirmed that even as early as him hugging her, she knew.) 

I was threatening to pull my hair out during that entire exchange. Shout out to when Sean Lowe said goodbye to Lindsay Yenter on the finale and she said. "Well I'm gonna go... Cause this is my nightmare..." I FEEL YA, YENTER. 

I'm glad she jumped out of the car and asked him  (in so many words) if he'd known when he took her to the fantasy suite... 

CAILA: I feel like my purpose in life is to love other people, and I don't know why I haven't found that yet."

GRACE: IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TWENTY FOUR, CAILA.

Oh man, Women Tell All next week. One of my most favorite weeks. 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...


Closing thought: it's been almost twenty four hours. I can't stop thinking about Caila crying in the car and saying, "And I could tell. I wanted to jump into his arms but I knew something was up..."

My birthday is coming up on the 10th. That's next Thursday. You're welcome.

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN ON TWO DATES WITH HIM AND YOU'RE MY SISTER.

Ohhhhhh hometowns. What a great week for BachelorNation. Im’ma go back to an old format because I have SO many things to say…

Hometown: Orange County, CA (Amanda)


Observations:

- Let’s call it like it is: Ben is WASTED during this opening monologue, right now.

POUR ME ANOTHER

- Amanda could have worn ANY shirt… and she chose this one. This strapless-but-not-strapless, off-the-shoulders-but-not-really little black number, and I’m so overwhelmed by what a bad choice this was. The running and hugging while she's wearing it, the holding her kids, the hanger straps, WHATTA MESS.

- Amanda waiting to see her kids for the first time AND introduce them to Ben at the same time is the WORST idea that’s ever happened. No wonder Little Charlie was a Meltdown Machine. Also quick reminder that no introduction to kids that tops when DeAnna meeting Jason’s son Ty. (Elisa Goodrich, can I get an amen?)

- Ben has apparently never seen a child in his life. He offered the two year Charlie a handshake. Keep it up, Dad Lyfe.

- I’m not doubting that Ben is a geat guy and great with kids. But anyone - ANYONE can pretend to be nice to kids on the beach for two hours. WHY DID AMANDA CHOOSE TO WEAR THAT SHIRT I’M SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT IT lack of punctuation intentional.

- I love that Amanda’s dad thinks Ben is "young"… BEN IS OLDER THAN AMANDA.

Seriously get me a grave plot. 

- Of course the two of them putting Charlie down for a nap is going to be a DISASTER. I'm sure Amanda is a great mom, but she is exhibiting NO authority over these girls and it's stressing me out...

- THE LIGHTS ARE SO HARSH AT AMANDA’S HOUSE. If we can see their shadows, you're doing something wrong, Bachelor Gaffer....

- I can't believe this didn't occur to me until this episode. I've been watching this show for years - all the years - and I didn't think of it 'til now: I bet they rent houses for half these people. I feel like JoJo's house was a rental (the one where the producer boyfriend left the roses and the one where her family was) because did anyone else notice how not personalized these homes are? Like, the random beds that they all go sit on to talk? HOW HAVE I NOT CONSIDERED THIS UNTIL NOW?! I bet they rent houses cause they need space for all the lighting and equipment... My brain is doing one of those flip-book flash-backs, circa How to Get Away With Murder right now, as I consider all the blandly decorated homes we've ever seen on this show...

- We all know Ben isn’t going to end up with Amanda. He has got to feel like a DOG right now, trying to peddle himself as a potential father to her family…

Memorable Quotes:

- Amanda asks her mom what she thinks about Ben… her response is “he’s sweet.”

This is how I feel about that.

- Amanda’s Dad “If she’s happy, I’m happy.” Let me tell you who DOESN’T have that philosophy. Actually I don’t have to tell you: you already know.

Hint: it's this guy. 

- Amanda: “It is hard because my feelings have grown so much today and I’d be heartbroken if I were sent home…”

Can I just take a second to remark that with guys, I sometimes have that notion: “ok Grace, your feelings have grown a lot today, things are going so well, this is kind of crazy.” But then I remind myself: :Grace, shut up. You need to sit down, calm down and SLOW DOWN.”

Works every time. 

Hometown: Portland, Oregon (Lauren B)

Memorable quotes: 

- Ben: “When I saw her for the first time, the world stopped.” I’m SORRY to keep making comparisons, but you know who WOULDN’T be impressed by that line? You guessed it.

"Tell me about your retirement plans, son."

Observations:

LAUREN B: We are in Portland, Oregon.
GRACE: And your bra is out, gf.

- The most I’ve liked Lauren B is when she discusses her love of butter – SHOUT OUT TO KIMBERLY IRION, GIRL, I SEE YOU.

Questions I have:

- Quick side note: is Christy Carlson Romano doing abbreva commercials now?

- Why is this the longest that Lauren's family has gone without seeing her? I thought she lived in MdR? Oh, sorry, that's what we call Marina del Rey. V trendy, over here. 

*Fact: "Of Kings and Prophets" is ABC trying to have a "Game of Thrones." Keep it up, ABC. Keep it up. 

Hometown: Somewhere, Ohio (Caila)

Observations:

- High school shaped Caila into the woman that she is today. Because she’s had no other experiences in life since she’s 24. 

- I need to admit… even though aside from group projects, I wouldn’t really seek Caila out and force her to be my friend (like I did with most people, see: Carolyn Murdock) I can’t help but smile at this home building date. Although I still don’t understand why Caila moved so much as a kid if her dad wasn’t in the army? 

 - Caila’s mom is THIRTY.

Why didn't my dad marry a Filipino woman? 

- Caila’s dad REALLY stresses me out... buuuut he asks good questions. 

- SHE HAD TO GET HER MOTHER TO TELL HER THAT BEN WAS IN LOVE WITH HER?!?! I AM SO STRESSED OUT BY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE QUINN FAMILY. Caila has for SURE fallen the hardest and the fastest, of these four girls. (Yes, "girls.") She full on, Olivia-grade thinks that Ben is her HUSBAND. 

For those of you who just joined us, this is Genie doing his
"MAAAAYDAYYY" in Aladdin. 

Questions I Have:

- Why has Caila seen a lot of couples on this bench on campus? At this high school? OH. Wait. I totally just figured it out. It’s because it was a co-ed school. DANGIT.

- Why is Caila’s brother sitting at the head of the table?

- WHY DOES SHE CALL HER MOM “MOMMY” Lack of question mark indicative of anxiety about it.

Memorable Quotes:
- Caila’s Dad: “The fact that Caila was emotional all night long means that it is real.”

- Hopefully this is the last thing I say about my Dad, but it would very legitimately go something like this: “Grace has been emotional all night. Which means she must be really tired. Or hungry.”

*Sidenote: Let’s be real about it: "The Catch" doesn’t look good. And the lead, Mirielle Enos, is giving me Poor Man’s Connie Britton…

Hometown: Dallas, Texas (JoJo) 

Observations:

- JoJo’s ex has learned what love is and has completely matured in 39 days. 

I'LL BET. 

- JoJo's family is the winningest, so far. Her mother is a lot. But I love her brothers. And how much they love her, AND BEN PATTON'S RETURN TO TELEVISION IS SO GREAT. (Call me!) 

- Did anyone else have the same thought that I did, when JoJo's brother Matt greeted her? Am I alone? 

- Nothing that Ben (H) is saying to the brothers is making any sense. Granted, he's probably scared spitless right now, but he still has NO real words coming out of his mouth

- I don't know whether or not to applaud the mustache on JoJo's dad, or  be appalled by it. Be Appreciative or Appalled. Can't decide. 

Memorable Quotes:

- "You've got him up on a pedestal and he's all these great things... YOU ARE THOSE THINGS, TOO, JOELLE." This is how I feel about Ben Patton:

Also just a really quick shout out to my own brother (who, very truly, would say the same things). He very recently started watching this show and reading this blog, so now is obviously a GREAT time to dig up a classic photo:

Sorry not sorry.

Memorable quotes: 

- JoJo's mom: "You're not going to get hurt, you are beautiful!" 

Let's also see something else from JoJo's mom:

HEY TINA VARGAS, I SEE YOU, GIRL

Questions I have:

- Where was JoJo during this kitchen interrogation? Seriously where was she? How did they get her out of the (fake) family kitchen long enough to grill him? 

Rose ceremony: 

"It seems silly to say 'I want a rose this week,' cause it's so much more than that..." JUST might be the most profound thing that Lauren B has said.

EACH OF THE GIRLS HAVE HAD THEIR ROOTS DONE AND I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. 

Amanda's exit was graceful... And as much as I love tears, I can certainly applaud a graceful exit from the show... 

Fantasy Suite Dates next week! Can I get a shout out for the time that  Jesse Csincsak told DeAnna Pappas that he'd have to ask her Dad if he could take her to the fantasy suite? Anyone? Bueller?

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

If I Could Watch Movies For The Rest Of My Life...

Again, honestly I didn't take too many notes this week. This was probably due to the immense heat, indoor and out. Yes, you read that right: our thermostat said 80 degrees today. I'm mostly the saddest that Twin Emily - Twemily, if you will, got sent home. She was on my fantasy team. Now I've only got Lauren B left. To be fair, Twemily needed to go home, Ben's mom legitimately burst into tears at the prospect of Twem bearing her grandchildren... 

Ben is waving to strangers, driving through Warsaw right now, at the beginning of this episode. He seriously knows no one there. I don't know why he told Lauren B they were at "his place." The guy lives in Denver. And no 26 year old software salesman has a place in Denver AND owns a place in Warsaw.

This post is dedicated to a one Mark Norman. I went to church with Mark when I lived in Miami, and he's just the greatest guy. And he laughs at my jokes, That's always an immense plus. AND HE'S FROM WARSAW, INDIANA. He definitely knows more people in this town than Ben does.

Apparently the only thing for the girls to do there is throw leaves at each other. There aren’t even hotels here, they just have to stay with family friends. Becca is shocked that they are staying so close to his hometown, as opposed to 200 miles away, like they had to do in Iowa with Farmer Chris.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you... LIES THAT WERE TOLD ON THIS EPISODE:

1)  The kids TOTALLY remember Ben from when he used to work at the youth center.

2)  Lauren B knows who the Indiana Pacers are. 

3) Lauren B knows what basketball is. 

4) Lauren B hasn't had cheek fillers.

5) Twemily has a connection with Ben.

6)  JoJo knows how to use pronouns

7)  Ben is a die-hard Cubs fan. 

8) Ben has even heard of the Cubs.

9) Becca was NOT coached by the producers to draw answers out of the ladies in this group discussion.

10) JoJo is NOT scared right now. Or ever. 

11) The cobwebs on these dying flowers on the group date are romantic.

12) All the bachelorettes hate each other. They are crying tears of hatred for one another, right now.

13) Warsaw, Indiana is NOT the orthopedic capital of the world.

14)  I was NOT in the fetal position when Amanda and Ben went back behind the counter at McDonalds. 

Did you want fries with that?

15) Twemily got a one on one because she’s special, not because Ben wants to send her home.

16)  Twemily is WAAAAY younger than  than Caila, who is talking about her like she’s a “bright eyed puppy.” (Truth: she is one year younger. If that) 

ADRIENNE: I’m not sure I like Caila.

CAROLYN: I think I’d be friends with her.

GRACE: Yeah I’d want her to be in my group for a group project.

CAROLYN: Yeah. Cause she’s definitely intelligent.

GRACE: Oh she’d for sure read all the directions. Like, towards the end of the project I’d say, “Ok guys, we checked everything off the list!” And Caila would say “Well actually, page 3 of the directions say that we need to do this…” and I’d say, “That’s why I keep her around. She reads all the directions, people! I only read through the third paragraph.”

And THEN Caila said… “I picture myself as moss. I’m just looking for a tree to grow with…”

YIKES.

As I said... Sad to see Twemily go, just like I was sad to see Olivia go. You guys know I love the crazies. 

And Becca... We saw tears from Becca tonight, for the first time ever! I think that was the first time she's maybe ever cried in her life! She should definitely get some therapy. And cry some more tears. I will now show an image that I created for Clint, on Kaitlyn's season, but I was so ahead of my time that I'm pretty sure no one got the joke:

She'll be ready for Bachelor in Paradise in no time!

Other news: WHO IS STOKED to see JoJo's step brother Ben Patton on the hometown dates next week? (If you DIDN'T watch the short-lived run of "Ready For Love" (by executive producer Eva Longoria) on NBC (featuring hosts Bill and Giuliana Rancic, as well as love guru Matthew Hussey, Amber Kelleher-Andrews and Tracy McMillian, to name a few) IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THIS SHOW THEN DON'T TALK TO ME. 

(But seriously. It was so good. It got pulled from the air about three episodes into the season, and they released each episode online every Tuesday night... You better BELIEVE Carolyn and I were in front of the computer every Tuesday night...)

Final word about next week: the clip of what appears to be Ben saying "I can't do this" as he gets in the car... I think they're stringing us along. I don't think that line was actually said there. Remember how Tiera fell down the stairs on Sean Lowe's season and in the previews they showed her being carried out on a stretcher, while they played the audio (from weeks later) where she was saying, "I can't believe they did this to me!" I think the Bachelor Editors are pulling one of those on us, here... 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

It's like a bar in Dallas: Full of Pigs.

Straight up, this post is dedicated to Katie McClellan. Allow me to remark that Katie wasn't even at Miami for my first semester of college (she was gone filming a movie. Seriously so legit you don't even know) but my mentor Tim basically told me, "This girl is God. She is everything. We worship her." 

Tim was right. If e'er there was a worthy idol, it is found in K. McClellan. She's a phenomenal actress, FIRST OF ALL. I asked if I could stage manage a studio show my freshman year so I could watch her work. (Nobody worry: I am 100% aware of sounding like a NUT JOB, but in case you haven't noticed: I'm REAL GOOD at choosing idols and then unapologetically sitting at their feet until they accept me) But not only is Katie brilliant onstage, she's brilliant in life: one night after rehearsal for that show, she just TOOK ME TO WHIP N DIP TO GET ICE CREAM AND TALK TO ME ABOUT LIFE. (Reminder: she was a senior. I was a freshman. I DIDN'T EVEN DESERVE TO LOOK HER IN THE EYE.) Per usual, I could seriously go on for ten more episodes about this girl (including a live after show) But THE POINT IS Katie is just the greatest thing there ever was, AND she's in a movie on the Hallmark Channel and I haven't even had a chance to watch it yet but I'm just so excited about it that I had to talk about it. It's called The Ultimate Legacy and she's LITERALLY (so. literally) a star of the stage and screen:

EXCUSE ME SINGLE TITLE CARD, NO BIG DEAL

I did and still do listen to every word that my mentor Tim tells me. Very little has changed since college. And to give you an illustration of things, just the other day, this was our conversation: 

Ok so we open back up with the BIG CLIFF HANGER: IS OLIVIA GONNA GET A ROSE (of course she's getting a rose, I'm not even dignifying that "question" with a question mark)

Womp womp, Jennifer goes home, Jennifer’s biggest fear in this show was leaving without Ben knowing who she was… And he didn’t… Because she NEVER. SPOKE. Except for that first night, and it was her chest doing most of the talking. I'm sure she's a great girl, but why didn't she try and sneak into his bungalow once or twice, huh?

My roommate Adrienne and I were getting VERY tired of Emily and I relayed the sentiments that had been so acutely conveyed to me about Emily by my friend Christian: “Emily has that one half of her hair constantly pulled back and half of the costume jewelry section of Walgreens poked through her ear on that side.”

This one's for you, Christian.

Blah blah blah, the Bahamas... ok here’s the thing about “romantic destinations:” call me an irretrievably hopeless romantic, but… isn’t it not supposed to matter where you are? I understand that candles and oceans make things romantic, but give me the Kacie B that just wants to be at the grocery store with Ben Flajnik…


After Chris Harrison’s opening spiel, I threw up my hands and said “YAAAAAS TWO ON ONE, YAAAAS!” Adrienne asked what was going on. (God bless Adrienne, she hasn’t been watching for too long) and I only replied: “Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes.”






One on One date: Caila


Shoutout to the rando PA that was on the bow of the boat as they were pulling out of the harbor. Hope he got that hoodie over his head.


We haven’t even seen a single actual second of this date, we’ve only seen Leah crying about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be crying too, but it also does VERY little to back up the sentiment that Ben was inviting Caila on the date because he “needed more time” and “had unfinished business.”

Ben's not here to make friends.

Ben wants to get to know Caila. So he asks her, “So like, hard times, right? Do you feel like you’d smile through it, or you’d actually feel it?”

Ten points for Gryffindor and ten points for CANDOR!

Ugh. This is excruciating. It's like watching a simultaneous aggressive half-proposal and breakup. He went to Jared's, and she's not ready to love again.

Group Date: Hog Wild

Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, Lauren H, & JoJo

Welp… Lauren B is REALLY excited about feeding some ocean pigs.

They feed the pigs and squeal a LOT, and then they try and disperse to have one on one time, but it's kind of hard when you're... literally surrounded by pigs. And we all know that if you're stranded on a desert island, you at least need some rum, and there seemed to be NONE of that...

Ten points for JoJo, on this date. I adore the way that she handles herself. Leah, on the other hand…. She's spiraling out of control quickly... Meanwhile Ben seems genuinely shocked that no one thinks swimming with feral pigs is romantic... 

I think the group date was awkward because a) all the girls on this date are actual friends, and they don’t want to start macking on him in front of their friends and b) well… it’s not like there were many places to sneak off to, on that island of… trees and pigs.... (and really bad eggs, DRINK UP, ME HEARTIES, YO HO!)

I like Becca Tilley more after her honest conversation with Ben than I have in an entire one and a half seasons. Ten more points for Candor. 

Ok, is it just me, or are Leah’s eyebrows SUPA dark and SUPA defined? Allison Norris, can you help me out, here? Am I wrong?

Other note: Laruen B’s eyelashes… Too much. They’re too much right now. I don't know if her tears make the adhesive react like gorilla glue and swell to ten times the normal size, but SOMETHING is going on and it's a mess. 

Quick detour: Someone is stroking Emily’s arm, as she lays in bed and whines about how great Lauren B is… Update: It’s Amanda. And what’s even weirder is that I have the notion that Emily is still a 13 year old, and did what 13 year olds do: stuck out her arm and said to Amanda, “Oh I like, LOVE it when someone is stroking my arm. It helps me fall asleep. Will you do that?”  

If you DON’T know what I’m talking about, you’ve never been to camp, or to a girls’ school. Or met Ethan Kasnett.

The problem with Leah is that she decided to get on the Lauren B Train to SabotageTown, and now there’s no turning back. She could have SO easily gone to Ben’s room and talked about… her job, about game night, about WHATEVER... but she spoke about Lauren B.

Aaaaand here’s how Leah’s time with Ben went:

BUH-BYE!!

Two on One: Emily & Olivia

I’m so torn about the two on one. Both girls are on my team! I NEED THEM BOTH TO STAY!

So great that Olivia talked about how young she thinks Emily is… They are both 23. TWENTY THREE!

My sentiments exactly, Buster.

OLIVIA IS 100% NOT LIVING ON PLANET EARTH AND I AM SHAMELESSLY LOVING EVERY SECOND OF HER DELUSION.

Clearly this little island doesn't have cell reception, otherwise Emily would have Haley on speakerphone so she could whine about Olivia...

As young as she is, Olivia HAS caught onto the fact that you don’t get the guy by talking smack about the other girls. I think she’s absolutely delusional, but I DO still think she’s getting a terrible edit. And this dramatic drone shot around her as she's LITERALLY stranded on a desert island is SO MUCH.

And as young as she is, Emily has caught onto the fact that if a man is forced to choose between two mediocre women, neither of whom he is going to marry, you should use your... assets.

Emily had her twins out, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

No surprise: Becca, JoJo and Lauren B all got roses.

Finally... Here's something to tide you over till next week:

Bryan giving us his best Pensive Ben Higgins...

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... 

Well She's Got The Bidet Going For Her...

I mean, honestly, I really didn’t take too many notes, this evening. I was so wrapped up in the drama. You GUYS, this was such a good episode. Good for television, and good for my fantasy team, if I’m gonna be totally honest.

OLIVIA IS GOING TO CRASH AND BURN SO HARD, BUT I NEED HER TO EARN ME MORE POINTS THIS SEASON. 

God bless this show, and God bless these United States of America...

She is so obviously spiraling out of control so quickly. The romance that’s built up in her head is so far from real life and it’s going to explode in her face. She tells the camera, “It keeps getting better. There’s a bidet. I love Ben. Our love language is reserved for the two of us.” (if you don't know what a bidet is, your life is going well.)

Let me just be real about it: this post is dedicated to Jamie Fraser. You GUYS. I am so deeply entrenched in the Outlander series right now, it's unreal. I have been SO. ROYALLY swept away by these books and I don't even know how to talk about it. Per usual: I'll still be single the next time you see me. I'm halfway to my full-on status as a crazy old cat lady, but there is no frigate like a book and I'M OK WITH THAT.

AMIRITE?

One on One: Amanda

BEN: The girls aren’t up yet. But I am. I’ve showered and everything. Let's go see the girls!

JOHNNY: I hope one of them has mace.

Ok but that LED light that Ben has is SUPA bright. Big Daddy used to wake me up by flipping on the light in my bedroom, but there wasn't an LED light involved. 

Let's all take a moment to acknowledge that Amanda is wearing lip gloss right now. There is 100% gloss on her lips, as she's sitting up in bed. DON'T TELL ME YOU WOKE UP LIKE THIS. 

As their balloon went up over Teotitlan, I said, “Dude, did you guys see the story about the German kid that climbed to the top of one of the Great Pyramids?"

JOHNNY: No… Cool… Is that allowed?

GRACE: Absolutely not. But apparently he took pictures.

CAROLYN: Guys, remember when Amber was on this show?

Meanwhile: the banner at the bottom of the screen reads, “Trump Thumped in Caucus…”

GOD BLESS THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Guys, we need to talk about Amanda’s hair for a minute. I understand that it’s vogue right now to have dark roots and light tips, but let me tell you about a kid in fourth grade named Benjamin Hutto. (Stay with me, I promise I'll bring it back home) A set of cubbies, or something of the like, fell onto his head and he had to get staples. Because it was the year 2000, they poured hydrogen peroxide on his head while he was bleeding. (A nurse’s office doesn’t even HAVE hydrogen peroxide, now, if you really want to know. When I was teaching kindergarten, I asked for hydrogen peroxide to get a stain out of a sweater. The nurse looked at me like I was NUTS. "We don't use hydrogen peroxide, anymore," she asserted) But ANYWAY, it dyed the top of Ben's hair light yellow. He had naturally dark hair. So he had what appeared to be frosted tips, for a while. And they continued to grow out, and after a while, it just looked like he’d dipped the last inch of his hair into yellow highlighter liquid. I think he finally got a buzz ‘cause it looked so weird.

Moral of the story: THIS IS WHAT AMANDA’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE. I want to pat her on the back and say, “I’m sorry a bottle of hydrogen peroxide fell on your head, but you’re doing a great job letting those roots grow out, girl! Keep it up!”

PASS THE H2O2

And I don’t mean to be ripping on Amanda, but her voice makes me want to mute this television. And it’s getting higher and higher as her story gets more and more traumatic.

Group Date: Cook Things In Spanish

Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

So they sat in a classroom and learned some Spanish phrase and Jubilee was super shut down. 

Quickly: have I talked about this before? I can’t roll my R’s. It’s legitimately impossible for me. I would’ve failed this class. Failed this "class," rather. 

During the cooking portion, JoJo and Becca are just drinking in the corner. Great. Keep it up, girls. 

Apparently if you know how to cook, you’re ready to get married. Emily made a tortilla that was the consistency of a brick. I guess she isn’t ready for marriage. 

Jubilee is going down in FLAMES. She is spiraling out of control so quickly. 

When he pulled her aside, I was nearly in the fetal position.

GRACE: Why is she sitting like that?

BRYAN: Because she is a child.

JOHNNY: She is the next Bachelorette, thank you.

BRYAN: I can’t take one more second of her.

JOHNNY: Shut up, you racist.

BRYAN: I’m not a rac-

JOHNNY: ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LOVE JUBILEE FOR ALL THAT SHE IS AND ALL THAT SHE WILL BECOME IS A RACIST.

GRACE: Johnny, if you don’t lower your voice, I will turn on the closed captions. YOU KNOW THAT ISN’T AN EMPTY THREAT.

JOHNNY: Ben isn't cool, Grace. He’s just not cool.

GRACE: *through gritted teeth* HE HAS A BIBLE VERSE TATTOOED ON HIS RIB CAGE.

JOHNNY: It’s not even a cool Bible verse!

GRACE: Ugh. Well it’s certainly not an original one. BUT IT’S A BIBLE VERSE.

One on One: Lauren H.

Johnny wisely pointed out that Lauren H was obviously chosen for this date because of her dimensions.

...that is all I wrote about this date.

Oh, but that WINK, YOU GUYS! When Ben winked at her on the runway? Am I the only one that caught that? I hit the rewind button at least ten times. Other honorable mentions of runway affection include, but are not limited to:

This one's for you, Katie Bocksel...

Is Lauren H our dark horse? Her story about the boyfriend and how she wakes up and chooses to be happy everyday.....

The door is THAT way....

BEN: JoJo, I promise you will never be blindsided.

CAROLYN: That’s the worst promise, EVER.

LAUREN B: I could see a LIFE with you.

CAROLYN: They are totally in lust right now.  That’s it. They know NOTHING about each other.

Ugh. The Teen Mom thing DELIVERED. I mean, WOW to that whole scene. I was so appalled and horrified and entranced. I will say this, once more: Olivia is getting ANNIHILATED by the editors. They are relentlessly shredding her to pieces. Does this mean we're only getting about 10% of reality? Probably. Am I upset about it? ABSOLUTELY not.

Emily crying to Ben about how much she hates Olivia... GO HOME, EMILY, YOU'RE DRUNK. She's seriously a baby. No, not in the insulting kind of way, but in the literal kind of way. 

The girls freak out about whether or not a rose can technically be taken away from someone. Wasn't it taken away from Rozlyn, on Jake Pavelka's season when they found out that she was sleeping with a producer? She'd been given the rose on a group date before Harrison had to pull her aside and let her go? 

UGHHHH CLIFFHANGER WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL NEXT WEEK TO SEE OLIVIA'S FATE UGHHHHHHHHHHH

In the meantime, if you're a bird, I'm a bird. 

I WANT A DATE AND I WANT TO SEE CELINE

First of all, there was SO much yelling at the beginning of this episode. 

But actually. 

Guys. It's Las Vegas. Who cares? NO, that sign from Ben is NOT romantic. THIS IS VEGAS. Home to fake Elvis, drive thru weddings, and well, ALL the debauchery.

OLIVIA: I’m not threatened by other women. Ben is my peace. (wry smile) I’m zen with Ben.

YUK YUK YUK.

If Sean Lowe's father could pass the fried Armadillo right about now, that would be great. 

(To our friends that just joined us, a "Yuk Yuk Joke" is a corny, self-indulgent joke after which one makes the "Yuk Yuk Yuk" sound when they chuckle at themselves...)

This post is dedicated to a one Kimberly J. Irion.

It was her birthday yesterday, so very fittingly, Olivia jumped out of a cake for her. She also happens to be one of my MOST favorite people. (Ahem, Kimberly, not Olivia) I'm not one to gush (except for the time I saw Ty Brown from Ali Fedotowsky's season at the Green Hills YMCA - it's a story for another time, but TRUST ME, "fan girl" doesn't even begin to cover it) but I'm not joking when I say that when Kimberly and I met, after exchanging a brief introduction, the next words out of my mouth were "YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" One time I was over at her house to drop something off, she spontaneously fed me dinner and after dinner when we were talking, she suddenly lit up and said, "I think we need ice cream and fudge. Do we need that right now? I totally think we need that right now, come in the kitchen." I'm not kidding: this girl is a magical fairy and I a. DORE her. Happy birthday, Kim!! 

One on One Date: JoJo

That table disaster with the helicopter was hilarious. Chris Harrison said the intern had been fired. Update: it wasn't Intern Jacob, no one worry. (But that's only because he's worked his way up to Assistant Editor, a few seasons ago...) Nineteen extra points to JoJo for going in for the kiss, there. And then again when Ben was basically leaning against her face in the helicopter. Get those mics out of the way, JoJo. You go girl. 

On the dinner date with JoJo and Ben, whilst listening to JoJo's voiceover about how "it's hard for her to open up," I turned to Johnny and Carolyn and I said, “Ok, do you think it’s hard for you guys to open up? Would you say that you are hesitant to open up?”After a bit of discussion, I finally realized that my beef with the phrase “It’s hard for me to open up,” is that… WHO DOESN’T OPEN UP EASILY?! Good GRIEF. It's like the women who say "I'm just really looking for an AMAZING guy who will treat me right, I'm ready to find him." LIKE WHO ISN'T?!

COULD YOU NOT?

BEN LOVES TO ALWAYS BE TOUCHING JOJO ALL THE TIME. ALL HANDS ON DECK EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. 

JOHNNY: He and JoJo are so perfectly basic together.

GRACE: Funny, that. It’s exactly what Carolyn said about Ben and Lauren B last week. I think I like him and JoJo a little better than him and Lauren B.... But I need Lauren B to go all the way for my fantasy team!

JOHNNY: She’s so… It's not that she’s a dime a dozen, she’s... eleven a dozen, I guess.

GRACE: I think she’d be a good bachelorette.

JOHNNY: YOU GIVE AMBER A SHOT, WHY DON'T YOU?

Johnny loves the underdogs.

Group Date: Talent sho- SHUT UP.

Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel and...Olivia

First things first: they had to walk nineteen miles to get to this talent show. So much walking. All the steps. And apparently the girls have ZERO talent. Lauren H made a very strange sound about it. They also feigned shock and surprise at the prospect of performing in front of other humans... 

CAROLYN: YOU’VE SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE, YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING.

TERRY: "Las Vegas crowds are the toughest in the world."

GRACE: No they’re not. Juries in Manitowac County are the toughest in the world.

JOHNNY: These are people who got paper tickets on the sidewalk. Like, “Here’s your marijuana card, and here’s a ticket to a show!”

HEMILY: "WE’RE IN IT TO TWIN IT"

JOHNNY: ....they’re just SO. DEAD. In the eyes! 

The only part of the Cake Debacle that's worth dignifying is Olivia's awareness of it. The whole thing was so... painfully... PAINFUL, but I honestly think it might have been worse if she came away acting like she crushed the whole thing.
And may we PLEASE take a moment to acknowledge that Olivia goes to the Boys II Men dressing room to have her panic attack. Casual. (THANK YOU, BOYZ II MEN ON ANDI DORFMAN'S SEASON, THANK YOU) 

During her spectacular mope, Olivia whined, "I couldn’t even look at him because he was so mortified," as she looked at Rachel, waiting for confirmation or denial (hoping for rapid contradiction) She was expecting denial. She got confirmation. Didn't help.

JOHNNY: You KNOW that single mom was totally encouraging her to do it the whole time. I’m telling you: single mom has evil eyes.
CAROLYN: Well I just need the single mom NOT to turn down the fantasy suite, otherwise I lose 75 points for my team. 

Honestly, I go back and forth about Caila. She reminds me of every girl I never liked in school, (circa DEZ) but then I think she’s really optimistic and I’d really want her to be on my team for a group project. She's the kind of girl in class who would be so smiley and positive that she'd make me feel slightly remorseful for being so cynical and sarcastic. But then I'd realize that my jokes made the teacher laugh harder, so I'd keep up the sarcasm.... I'd still pick Caila to be my lab partner, though. 

(We paused here, for Carolyn to answer the door for Dominos. ‘Sorry,” she said as she came back in with two boxes and a small diet coke, “I thought I got a two liter. I got a twenty milliliter.” For the record, Carolyn was the girl in class who made the same jokes with me AND whom I wanted for a lab partner.)

Making poor food choices since 2007..... Pass the cheesy bread. 

Olivia has a two fold plan right now:

1) Let Ben know that she put herself out there.

2) Let Ben know that SHE knows that she bombed.

My thoughts on this:

1) Putting herself out there: Sure. Go ahead. The producers probably coached her on this one. Why not slightly cover up an embarrassing performance by reminding him that you're laying it all on the line for love?
2) The bomb: This- THIS, my friends, is where she went so terribly wrong. Is it a great trait to be able to laugh at yourself? YES. Olivia could have acknowledged the bomb and MOVED ON.

...but she didn't. She talked about it and talked about it and cried about it and talked about it and- SHUT UP OLIVIA I AM A HUNDRED YEARS OLD WAITING FOR YOU TO FORGET ABOUT THIS AND MOVE ON.

No slowin' down now: she's a runaway train. 

 One on One: Becca

JOHNNY: We missed out. WE MISSED. OUT. You guys, I would have married EITHER OF YOU at the hands of Becca and Ben.

CAROLYN: WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.

JOHNNY: Becca looks like a cult bride right now.

CAROLYN: A Manson Bride.

JOHNNY: A little too old, I have to say. Sorry. 

Loving this fake Bible that has the vows taped into it. 

BECCA: "It’s different than last season."

CAROLYN: Is it, though? Cause last time you got sent home in a kimono...

GRACE: IT WAS A RED VELVET DRESS.

JOHNNY: NEVER FORGET THE RED VELVET DRESS ON THE FARM IN IOWA. 

Emily And Haley without make up right now… YOU GUYS. This is why I don’t wear a lot of make-up. I will NEVER- I REFUSE to be as strikingly different without make-up. I don't care if not wearing make-up means I look like Chernobyl happened while I was asleep, if there is a striking, shocking difference between you made up and you made down, you need to reevaluate some things... 

BEN: "Haley and Emily’s mom has been great."

GRACE: And this plate wall isn’t bad, either.

CAROLYN: And this is great for the budget, because we don’t even have to pay for a car to send the one twin home.    

This rose ceremony is the most I’ve liked Amber’s hair, during this season, last season and Bachelor In Paradise COMBINED. 

Granted, Olivia is NUTSO MAGEE. But let's go ahead and acknowledge that she had a piece of text that was totally cut together. “I read a lot of romance novels where it all just comes together, and that would be GIGANTOR for me…” This was pieced together, and it wasn't even a smooth job, and I blame Assistant Editor Jacob for not catching it.

Roses went to: Amanda, Lauren H, Jubilee, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia  


YOU GUYS OLIVIA DROPS THE TEEN MOM BOMB NEXT WEEK AND I AM SO STOKED.


If you're a bird, I'm a bird...