Deep Down, There's a Mean Girl In There...

This post is dedicated to my brother, Davey. Inexplicably, he started watching the show last week. Special shout out to his friend Buck, who basically talked him into it, and is ready to sign them up as a package deal for next season, like the twins. "Plus," Buck told me, "I did eight push ups today, so I'm feeling pretty buff." This show has been on the air for over ten years and I’ve seen every single episode, but Davey has legitimately never watched. This was so exciting. "Davey," I said. "This is so exciting. There is an entire part of my life that is dedicated to this show that you don't even know about. I have an entire following that you don't even know about. (The 'following' is really just Johnny and Mom, cause I make her read when in between episodes of NCIS) but you can read my funny words now!" He started texting me, as soon as he started, and immediately remarked that he was a fan of Olivia and Lace. This was more or less my response:

Whatta rookie.

He eventually came around.


One on One date: Lauren B.

Guys, before we go any further, let's all acknowledge that this date was sponsored by Jacuzzi. Please and thank you.

Hold up, quickly: did Ben just call her “Bee?” Queen Bey? Yey? or Nay?

Ok let's talk about this... Bee is a flight attendant… And she’s scared of planes? Listen, I get it. If there was no fear, there’d be no tension. No tension, no drama. No drama, no story. But COME ON.

GRACE: EWW DON’T, WHY IS THEIR KISSING SO WEIRD?
CAROLYN: Probably because they’re in goggles. And those microphones.

Then we get a REMARKABLY basic line from Bee: “I’m not super into situations that I’ve never been in before.” 

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

Let's call it like it is: Lauren B is a walking, talking Pinterest Board. This messy bun in the hot tub right now? Her fake eyelashes? Her – DANG IT YOU’RE CUTE. (Just kidding. Ben said that, not I.) Does Ben have a Bible verse tattooed on his side? I’m pretty sure he does.

But actually.

*UPDATE: He has Proverbs 16:3 tattooed on his hip. I have legitimately missed my chance to find true love.

Meanwhile, back on the farm, Caila is having a full-fledged, chirpy meltdown and she is FREAKING OUT right now. I haven’t made those kind of sounds whilst crying since I was seven, maybe four. Is she even talking to Jo Jo right now, or is did they just edit it that way? GIMME A WIDE SHOT, BACHELOR EDITORS, OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.


Quick sidenote: My dad is obsessed with our yard. He is NOT a simple man. Carolyn pointed out that apparently Laruen B’s dad mowing the grass is the FUNNIEST thing Ben's ever heard.

Sorry, brief moment to speak about Big Daddy. All I really need to say is this photo, that my mother snapped yesterday morning, when he was on his way to Spin class:

Seriously, put him on a watch list.

Not that it's a contest, but just a note that Lauren B remarked that her dad is the “Nicest, kindest, most sensitive person…” It's safe to say our beautiful Pinterest board is BAE. ZIC. Granted, I don't have great fake eyelashes, I don't look like that in a bikini, and messy bun isn't even a THING for me, but off the cuff, in seven seconds flat, here are three superlatives for Big Daddy: "most charismatic, shrewdest, most gracious man I have ever known... and he LOVES to work in the yard."

But ACTUALLY. 

LAUREN B IS GOING ALL THE WAY I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW. 

Lack of punctuation intentional. She's pretty. But pretty basic.

No idea who Lucy Angel is, but they sound so much better than Bachelor Bands usually do (circa Juan Pablo and Clair’s date)

Group Date: Soccer Time
Amanda, Hailey, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily

BRYAN: Dude, you know there’s gonna be some chubby girl that pops out and is like, “THIS DATE IS MY CHANCE.”
CAROLYN AND GRACE: ...not this show.

Clearly there isn’t enough drama this season, because they had to bring back the competitive date and obviously the Stripes are going to win, because we saw that footage of Olivia hollering at the girls from the hotel balcony, SPOILER ALERT.

Apparently Ben thinks that Twin Emily being the goalie is even greater than Lauren B’s dad mowing the grass. He is losing his MIND on the sidelines right now.

BRYAN: Dude, that goalie, though. She’s laying it all on the line for love. Hey Grace, put that in your blog...

Quick observation from the after-party: Ben wasn’t wearing sunscreen today.

WRINKLES ARE REAL.

This conversation between Olivia and Jami is NOT real, right now. It is so absolutely unreal. Does Olivia have the feet of Shrek? What about the rest of her? Calves? Cankles? This conversation is seriously how guys make fun of girls for talking and I just...

Believe me, I went to a girls' school. I've heard it all.

And don't get me wrong: I am DOWN to talk about any kind of personal deformity. I can pick apart ANYTHING with you all day long. My nail beds suck, too. But national television is NOT the place to talk about it. 

AMBER: I can just tell that this is different. Like, it’s emotions, and I know what I want, and like how you handle things.

SERIOUSLY WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY.

DEVIN: They’re drunk like, 80% of the time on this show, right?

YOU GUYS. AWKO TACO JUST BECAME A THING AND I LOVE IT.

One on One Date: Jubilee

BEN: Hey Jubilee, I think our ride’s here…
CAROLYN: Why do they act SO surprised EVERY single time a helicopter shows up? Like they’ve never seen one before? Ugh. I just want a helicopter.
DEVIN: Stick with me, kid.

Ben and Jubilee go to some rando spa in California, and they're now sitting facing each other like they are legitimately father and daughter. So weird.

BEN: Jubilee is an interesting girl, I’m glad she’s on this date.
CAROLYN: She spits out caviar...
BRYAN: I’m pretty sure she puked on me and told me she hates helicopters…

This hot tub conversation between Jubilee and Ben is even worse than Lace talking to Ben on the balcony last week. She is going down in flames.

I love that for three straight weeks we’ve heard, “There’s a lot more to you than people see” from Jubilee and we thought it was about Ben… IT WAS JUBILEE TALKING ABOUT JUBILEE.

So, SO much general talk about Jubilee's past. And her... "bloodline?" I don't even really know what to say about that dinner conversation. Except for the fact that she didn't touch her steak. (Oh and that Netflix show with Kyle Chandler was GREAT)

GIVE HIM ANOTHER EMMY (this isn't even from Bloodline but whatever)

Update: due to online research, I have determined that Jubilee’s tattoo says, “The past is practice.” You're welcome.

Cocktail Party:

After Ben acknowledged how two pillars of his community back home passed away, and Olivia pulled him aside…. To talk about her toes. And cry about them. This girl is so certifiable and I am LOVING it. She's every producer's dream. OHHHH AMANDA IS GOING TO CRUSH THE CONSOLATION GAME, TONIGHT. I am TELLING you - the consolation game is HUGE, in this arena. Remember how JP was the one who came over to Ashley's house after Bentley left? (and she was THIS?)

Rest in peace, purple duvet cover...

Meanwhile, they’re playing audio of Jubilee saying that girls don’t really like her, as Jo Jo is walking away from her and we hear random audio of Becca saying “I’m gonna go get some lip gloss or something…”

Finally, all I wrote for the end was: "So… Amber just dug her own grave…"

Blah blah blah, Lace left.... (I'm mostly just bummed because she was on my fantasy team...) And YES, she QUOTED. HER OWN. TATTOO. That just happened. (I've now THRICE mentioned tattoos in this post, which is enough to meet my tatt discussion quota for at LEAST the next six months...

Roses went to:
Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, JoJo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

If you're a bird, I'm a bird...

Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party....

This isn’t a commentary on the Golden Globes, but I feel like I should give a brief shout out to a gif-worthy night of television. I’ll give a quick top five:

Wait – before I begin, I need to acknowledge something: I am in the throes of a full-fledged obsession with Leo DiCaprio, right now. It’s like I’m catching up after missing the boat, post-Titanic. (See what I did, there?) I am so deeply obsessed with him right now it’s not even real. That being said, top five:

5) Taraji P. Henson passing out cookies, "COOKIES FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT."

4) The winner for Inside Out, “When I was in Middle School, my ONLY goal was to make it through the day NOT being seen… Clearly, something went TERRIBLY wrong…”

3) Let’s be honest about it: everything about Kate Winslett is VICTORY.

2) Jonah Hill, as “just a two year old bear from the Sierra Mountains and you took a chance on me, Alejandro…”

1) #GAGAFORLEO

YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS

This post is dedicated to the entire Sturdivant Family, really. My friend Abby Sturdivant reads this commentary and she somehow roped her older brother, Peter, into reading it, last week. My older brother doesn't even read it. But my older brother WAS in a cub scout troop with Abby's older brother, once upon a time. And you better BELIEVE Big Daddy was the Scout Leader. No clue why I couldn't stay at home with my Mom, but I somehow got dragged to the Cub Scout meetings on Monday nights when I was a kid. And I couldn't tell you how to tie any kind of  boy scout knot, but I did learn a lot about the American flag, and you can bet the farm that I had a siiiiick Pinewood Derby car. Anyway, Peter, I hope you're reading this and I hope you watched last night. I always enjoy seeing your parents at church when I go home. Hiyoooo did I just get creepy? INTO IT. 

We’re off to a great start to tonight's episode with: “Ben is the greatest Bachelor on the planet of history...” from one of the twins, and JoJo tells us that “if I had a list, Ben checks of every list.”

Uh huh.

Have I talked about orchid care on this commentary before? ‘Cause we’re seeing some wilted orchid blossoms in front of Ben's face right now, and I just want everyone to know that a) the Bachelor Production Assistant is letting me DOWN, and b) Orchid Care is an ART and it is NOT easy.

Group Date: Back to School... or something.

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandy, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace

My dear friend Allison very astutely pointed out “Lace is absolutely “Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party,” from Saturday Night Live.

Nailed it. 

GRACE: I’m pretty sure Lace’s forehead is frozen.

JOHNNY: And I’m pretty sure it’s perfect.

Johnny loves Lace. Even though she is absolutely NOT on his fantasy team, he's a huge fan. And ever since we decided to do the fantasy teams, watching this show turned into Carolyn and Johnny are watching it, GLUED to the checklist, tallying up the points. The competition in the air is THICK. 

Chris Harrison’s sweater vest and glasses. I don’t want anything else on this date, I JUST want this.

Obviously the person that put together the volcano instructions on this date is the same person that put together the foam core fantasy players that were featured on the live after show last week. (S)he probably has a college degree.

But what absolutely NONE of these girls have right now is basketball skills. 

Don't challenge me to a game of Gotcha. I'm JUST saying. 

Mandi had a BIG advantage in the final race because of those long legs- pause, who is driving the Mustang around the track right now? Is that Ice Cube? Is it Chuey? Who is it? 

After the whole thing, Becca pulls Ben aside for some hoops. As we learned from Love Guru Matthew Hussey on "Ready for Love" (a TERRIBLY underrated and too-soon cancelled show) it is good to have a task to complete on a date, (ie: shooting some hoops) to ease tension. The Beckster has, in my opinion, now moved up from the status of "filing cabinet" to "a Knoll filing cabinet." If you don't know about Knoll Office Furniture, use The Google. 

I don't even want to ADDRESS Olivia's gaping wide mouth. I would not at ALL be surprised if she's trying to turn herself into a meme with that. Also worth noting: the difference between Olivia With Make-Up and Olivia WITHOUT Make-Up is cause for concern.

JOHNNY: Olivia is 23 going on 35. She looks BEAT.

Speaking of "beat:"

Ok, she doesn't look like this, but hot DAWG, I love this comparison... 

I love that Jubilee thinks Lace’s name is “Lacey.” I have ZERO tolerance for people who mix up names, but I'm not mad about this one. 

Also, apparently JoJo has never been in an airplane before, because (unless they smoked a bowl off camera just now) the roof of this building right now is the highest she’s ever been. #Amazing #Blessed #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

CAROLYN: I think Ben's been drinking.

JOHNNY: Yeah, for sure. He’s real sweaty. And grabby. His hands have been EVERYWHERE, tonight.

Update: we now know that Jubilee’s tattoo says “The Past…” the rest is still a mystery.

One On One Date: Caila (plus a shameless plug for "Ride Along 2." Where's A. Shue when you need her?)

Wonderful intro from Ben:“Ice Cube has done everything from acting… to rap.” Whatta guy. 

Additionally, one time Kevin Hart cooked fried chicken for a girl in a crock pot, and it was cool.

His words, not mine.

Very genuinely, we got a line of wisdom from Caila: “I was waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of the story.” (About her whole Fated Airplane Romance Story) That was when they sat at dinner in downtown LA, after traipsing around hot tubs in what I can only assume is Van Nuyes... 

Sidenote: it’s crazy to me that they’re getting to know each other and date… without phones. It's brilliant, it's amazing, everyone should do it, but how crazy that we are now facing this as an ABNORMALITY.

Group Date: Love Lab

Emily, Shusahnna, Haley. Sam, Olivia, Amanda  

                     

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN WITH THIS LOVE LAB RIGHT NOW.

I’m not mad about the smell test. I am ALL ABOUT smell. Pity that Ben chose the word "sour" to describe Samantha. Double pity that all he could conjure up to redeem himself was "passionfruit." 

Olivia is unbearable. She is on my team, so I’m not mad..... but she’s unbearable. #GroupDateRose #TwentyPoints

This hoodie and blazer on Ben is WRETCHED. (It's wretched on ANYONE, but come ON, Bachelor stylists) 

Cocktail party:

Quick poll: does anyone else remember when the word “b*tch” was bleeped out? Anyone?

I CAN’T HANDLE LACE SPEAKING TO HIM ON THE BALCONY RIGHT NOW. WHAT IS SHE EVEN SAYING ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD AND RIDING THE BUS?! 

But srsly. 

Johnny aptly described it as, "That was just like watching ALL of the car parts fall out of the car and trying to get to the side of the road…" Thank HEAVEN that Lauren B came to the rescue. 

(Also random points to Ben for stepping out on the balcony and saying "Wow, it's beautiful up here," as though he HADN'T lived in that house and seen that balcony before. As if he HADN'T witnessed JJ and Clint sitting on that balcony talking about how much they loved turtles and each other.)

Roses went to:

Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, LB… but NOT LB, Jennifer, Emily, Jami, Lauren H, Shusanna, Haley, and Amber.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird, 

A Sea of Basics...

It’s the mooooost wonderful tiiiiiime of the yeeeeeear!!

Hearts will be glowing when roses are neeeeear...

This post is dedicated to my friend, Natalie Holzapfel. She is carrying Baby H. right now. That makes it Baby H’s first season. Ben H. and Baby H. INTO IT.


In an unprecedented turn of events, I'll have you all know that I have not read spoilers for this season. It actually wasn't on purpose - but last night Johnny threw out the idea of a fantasy draft and Carolyn said, "But Grace already knows who wins. She always reads spoilers."


A few things:

1) I've been reading spoilers since Brad Womack's second season. Which, by the way, was inaccurately predicted. I first experienced the fruits of Bachelor Spoiling one day in college, I walked out of Play Analysis and asked my friend Christine, "Yo, we're about to have a reading quiz on Death of a Salesman, and I totally didn't read it. What can you tell me?"

CHRISTINE: Spoiler alert: he dies.
GRACE: Oh good. Well here's a spoiler in turn for you: Brad picks Chantal on The Bachelor.

This was the moment I found out that Christine even watched the show in the first place, because her response was "HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THIS YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU KNOW THIS I'M ONLY WATCHING CAUSE MY ROOMMATE KATIE WATCHES AND NOW YOU'VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING."

(For the record, Christine was (is) a Stage Manager, (no literally, she stage manages the Broadway. She's a big deal) so she was NOT prone to hysterics, unlike everyone else in the theatre department: I think this was the most emotion I'd ever seen from her. Also, if you look at the tags on facebook, the first tag is is always a girl named Katie. It's Christine's roommate. It was very shortly after this that we became very dear friends.)

2) Why do I read spoilers, you might ask? Short answer: I grew up without cable.
(Which is actually one of the reasons I got into this show in the first place: the number of available TV shows was very limited) I grew up watching very little television. Which means that my emotional tolerance for television heartbreak is VERY low. Which means that when (SPOILER ALERT) Michael Vaughn died on Alias, I was INCONSOLABLE. I was crying SO hard that my mother would later tell me, "You were crying like someone actually died." I responded, "SOMEONE DID DIE!" The day that Bob Guiney picked Estella instead of Kelly Jo, I was DEVASTATED. I couldn't take it. I can't deal with bombs being dropped on me in real life, why should I even THINK about dealing with it on television? As soon as I found out that Dan Stevens was leaving Downton Abbey, I stopped watching altogether. I'm telling you: I'm not emotionally conditioned to handle Television Devastation. So as a matter of self-preservation, I happily read spoilers, so I can prepare myself (especially on this show) to be disappointed.

3) If you're not feeling at least a LITTLE impressed that I've read spoilers and been writing commentary this whole time WITHOUT revealing the spoilers of which I am aware, you should probably just stop reading this.


All that (The Broadway, Michael Vaughn and Downton Abbey) to say: I HAVEN'T READ ANY SPOILERS THIS SEASON. I was actually planning on reading them after I watched the premiere, but once Johnny suggested a fantasy league and I realized I was still eligible, I turned a blind eye to them, for the first time in a long time. But I'll tell you right now, even without reading spoilers, my fantasy team is STACKED. I feel great about it.

MOVING ON.


Let's start with a visit to Ben's hometown, or "The Bread Basket of America," if you will, courtesy of Living Room Peanut Gallery Member J. Langan (yes, we'll bring that one back home, a little later on) Loving the intro that Ben gets at homecoming, from the football bullhorn: “It’s the Bachelor… From The Bachelor TV Show…”

God bless Middle America...

We then hear the voiceover of Ben talking about how he might be unlovable...

THIS GUY IS LEGITIMATELY SO PERFECT THAT HIS GREATEST FEAR IS BEING UNLOVABLE.

I have a great number of fears that make the list before "being unlovable," especially since I will always feel loved an accepted by so many things in my life... Cookies, pasta, pop tarts, my bed... The list never ends, really.

This small town family convo with Mom and Dad about finding a nice girl to marry is nearly putting me to sleep… All I can say is that sitting down with Big Daddy and having this conversation would entail something to the effect of “Find out what YMCA he has a membership with. Talk to him about his retirement plan. I’ve been married to your mother for thirty one years. I thought she was independently wealthy when I first met her because she had Pepperidge Farm cookies in her pantry. Those are expensive. I’m still glad I married her. She’s lucky she married me. I’m an Eagle Scout. Find out if this guy is an Eagle Scout.” (It might not TOTALLY go like that, but… basically. Oh, and the part about the Pepperidge Farm cookies? Totally true.)


Bachelor Boons of Wisdom:

FARMER CHRIS: Kiss all the girls.
CAROLYN: Who the- Whoa. I TOTALLY forgot about his WHOLE season. Oh man. It just came rushing back. Wooow that was a bad season.


I hate Ben’s undercut so much I could die. I think this hairstyle is the worst thing that’s ever happened, anywhere and I’m SO ready for it to be on the way out… My only question that remains is why he exited a hotel room, pre-limo entrances? Where's his bachelor pad for the girls to run around in, wearing motorcycle helmets, huh?

JOHNNY: Ben is like that guy you forget is in your fraternity until formal. You know that guy? That shows up and you’re like, “Ohhh I forgot you were in SAE!”


LADIEZ:
Lauren B: A flight attendant (but is she? We didn't even see her on an actual plane, like we did with that Jersey flight attendant on Farmer Chris's season) She was the first out of the limo, and I’m pretty sure her grandmother made her dress. She brought him a pair of – “ONNNN THE WINGS OF LOOOOOVE!!” She looks like a doll, but Ben seems to be really into her. I have a feeling this one is going far. She's on my fantasy team and I feel GREAT about it.

Caila: Software Sales. She has an umbrella in her intro... And it isn’t raining. “There’s definitely something wrong when I have butterflies for someone on TV! I’m ready for Fate, Part II” 

Her intro of launching herself into his arms wasn’t too terrible, and Ben handled it like a champ. They’re both in software sales. Cool. I don't even know what software sales means. If I had to fake my way through a conversation as a software salesman, I'd tell people I sold Microsoft Word. That's software, right?


Jubilee: Oh no. Oh nononononono. 

All is NEVER fair in love and reality.

There are going to be so many war comparisons and I am NOT ready for it. At one point I said, “What does her tattoo say?” Johnny responded, “Tit. With a sign pointing to it.”

Mandy: Dentist. Johnny hopes she’s not out the first episode. Rose headband… That Ben can pollinate later…




Emily and Haley: GET THESE TWINS OUT OF HERE.

The door is THAT way...

Later in the mansion, Carolyn raised a valid question, "Why is everyone acting like they’re dragons? They’re… twins."

Amanda: Orange County, two kids. She tells us, “I think Ben could be a great role model for my kids”
JOHNNY: He's 22. He is not ready for your kids

Tara: Chicken Enthusiast. She has a bookshelf with pictures of chickens and a picture of Ben. What DOES come first, the chicken, the Ben, or the Fried Amradillo? Correction- her name is TIARA.


Sam: Attorney, her dad Dad had ALS – I’M NOT DIMINISHING THIS, but WHOA, we are getting into this family stuff REAL fast… And Sam is wearing as much makeup in this one shot as I wear in six months. She got out of the limo and told Ben she found out "on the way there: that she passed the bar. SHE DID NOT FIND OUT ON THE WAY THERE, SHE’S KNOWN FOR MONTHS. Johnny and I tried really hard to imitate her voice and it hurt both of our throats too much… Weird voice or not, Samantha is on my team, and given the points you can rack up for your players speaking about deceased loved ones, she's a solid choice.


Jennifer: small business owner. She’s the girl to whom Ben said “welcome." This is what 'welcome' means to me:

Jami: Bartender. I love her dress. That's all I have to say. Find me on Pinterest, James.

Lace: Got the first kiss. Ohhhh and then she racked up 85 points in one episode alone. You BET I got this girl on my team..
Later on in the mansion (ten drinks in for Lace)

Johnny: I love Lace so much.

Carolyn: Says the guy who loves that rando that shows up at SAE parties. Let’s wait till she’s sober. That will be a true test of your allegiance to her.

Lauren: Math Teacher. He DID NOT get her name. He tried three times.

Shushanna: she is NOT speaking English right now. And she doesn't speak any English for the rest of the episode. This is going so well.

Leah: Event Planner OH NO NO SHE HAS A FOOTBALL OUT AND I HEAR VELCRO I WANT TO DIE


JoJo: the unicorn. So much. She also did the card/charades/guessing game later, which was actually a VERY clever move, on her part.


Lauren: Threw the bouquet. She is on my team as well. COME ON, SHE'S A KINDERGARTEN TEACHER, YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT.


Laura: Red Velv-SHUT UP. (For the record, when we caught a glimpse of Red Velvet in the limo, Johnny pointed to her and said, "That girl. That girl is 100% going home on this episode and we WILL NOT learn her name...")

BEN IS BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT FOR ALL THESE YUK YUK ENTRANCES.

Maegan... brought a pony. As Carolyn put it “She can just turn back around now…”

Breanne: first thing she tells him is that she doesn’t eat gluten.

Pass the cookies.

JOHNNY: She is breaking bread with him. He is from America's Bread Basket and she is breaking bread with him! (Ohhhhh there it is. I passed Johnny the fried armadillo at that point)

Izzy... is in a onesie. Please leave, Izzy. Go find Denny. Just go.

Rachel: at least she picked up her train when she rode down the driveway on a hoverboard...

JOHHNY: SHOCKER, THE UNEMPLOYED ONE COMES IN ON A HOVER BOARD”

Jessica: All I have written is "Not painful intro." Ohhh now I remember. She was a brunette that I thought would be going far until she... got eliminated... Can't win them all. (We made our fantasy teams after the premiere, for the record)

Lauren, “LB” fyi: that dress is from French Connection and it’s impossible to get into it. My mom and I nearly wrestled each other to the ground trying to get me into one of them one time, it was so hard.


Jackie: She brought him a save the date. She studies old people. I reached out and clawed my arms into Johnny’s arm when we saw #ToHiggensAndToHold


Olivia: news anchor, very disappointed that he... doesn’t have dimples? She guilted him about how she left her job for him… STILL NEVER BEATS THE GIRL WHO SOLD HER CAR TO MEET PRINCE LORENZO.

I will NEVER forget this girl. 

Olivia tired to give him a schmorgasboard of things that shes interested in… she is interested in NONE of those things… “I love to travel... Pick a spot on a map and just go there” SHE DOESN’T DO THIS. (But yes, she's on my team and I have high hopes for her points, this season)


Once everyone had exited the limos:

JOHNNY: Look at this sea of Basics… White chicks that are blond who wear sparkles. That is this season.


We interrupt the normal broadcast to tell you this bit of commentary:

"Well… Becca is looking great" is what I wrote down. That girl seriously has the personality of a filing cabinet but hot DAWG she's pretty.


Roses went to:

Lauren B
LB
Caila
Amber
Jaimie
Jennifer
Jubilee
Amanda
JoJo
Leah
Rachel
Samantha
Jackie
Hailey (twin 1)
Emily (twin 2)
Shushanna
Lauren H
Becca
Mandy




Quick note: WE HAVE NEVER HAD A CHORUS BEFORE THE FINAL ROSE and we are getting a CHORUS right now. Seriously the Russion choir that underscored "Anastasia" is singing in the background and I could NOT be happier about it.


Last rose went to...

Lace

Shocker. I won't even dignify her pout about his lack of eye contact with commentary...

JOHNNY: Yusssss! WHO DID HE PICK? LACE. WHO DID I SAY HE WOULD PICK? LACE. WHO DID I SAY WAS GOING HOME BEFORE I EVEN HEARD A WORD FROM HER? RED VELVET. GIVE ME CREDIT. CREDIT, I SAY! CREDIT FOR BEING A GENIUS.

There's your credit, Johnny.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird,

"Kaitlyn... Gentlemen... This Is The Final Rose Tonight..."

Whew, so sorry for the delay. I am very busy and important. I have many – MANY leather-bound books and my apartment smells of VERY rich mahogany.


MOVING ON.
Update on where we were at the beginning of the night: Carolyn is convinced it’s Nick. How could she not choose Nick? (Carolyn isn’t even a Nick fan) But based on what we’d been seeing on our screens for the past two weeks, it HAD to be Nick… right?


I think Kaitlyn should’ve chosen Nick. I think Nick would actually make a really great husband. OBVIOUSLY I would rather have a husband in Ben H or Ben Z, but does the conversation ever drag with Nick? It doesn’t. Granted, he IS a little bit into the face-mauling, but I can very easily see Nick as somebody’s husband. Furthermore, I realized why I’m such a fan of the guy: his neuroses. He is so unapologetically neurotic. And would you look at that – know who else is admittedly neurotic? THIS GIRL. I will now go so far as to say: it’s not that I LIKE Nick, it’s that I GET Nick.

FAMILY:

So when he was about to meet the fam and Kaitlyn told him that she spilled the beans about their late night merriment, he couldn't just said, "Oh, um, ok." and then told the cameras "I don't feel great about this," but he responded with more or less, “Oh wow. I didn’t know you were going to tell them. But that's ok. I just didn't know. Well I wasn’t nervous before, but I’m nervous now…”

See the difference? 

HE’S ARTICULATE, PEOPLE.


Kaitlyn’s Mama has got some EYELASHES on. And she is not holding back in her interrogation of Nick, and I am LOVING it. She did a pretty substantial 180 During Nick’s… tears, during which I turned to LRPG Carolyn and Bryan, pointed at the screen and said, “ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT JERKS CAN’T CRY ON DEMAND LIKE THAT. THEY JUST CAN’T.”



Ok but WHY were Nick’s darty eyes glancing around while he was LITERALLY sucking Kaitlyn’s face?! I get it, that you need to compose your thoughts, but maybe put a pause to the kiss and compose your thoughts, THEN resume. Ohhhh I’m uncomfortable.


OHHHHH NICK’S FAMILY IS AT THE LIVE EVENT THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH FLAGRANT LACK OF PUNCTUATION INTENTIONAL TO DEMONSTRATE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Kaitlyn definitely has a bigger grin on her face whn she walks in the room with Shawn.... OH MAN I DIDN’T KNOW THIS SNAPCHAT STORY ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE SAW KAITLYN, SCORE ONE FOR TEAM SHAWN.

OHHHH SHAWN’S GONNA GET THE MAMA INVOLVED IN ASKING FOR THE BLESSING, LIKE A MANNNN

(I just can’t stop with the all-caps. I can’t.)

Final Dates: 

So I guess we’re just never going to acknowledge that we’re not off the coast of South Africa…. We’re “off the coast of” Marina del Rey. NOT THAT I’M KNOCKING MdR, but I’m JUST saying…. And the cameraman is EXCEEDINGLY seasick right now (as are we all). Does making out cause less seasickness, or more? I’d assume the latter…


And then – THEN, ladies and gentlemen, we hear Nick utter some famous last words: “It’s becoming increasingly harder to not imagine it ending well…” 

Carolyn is still convinced she’s picking Nick. I can see this flying downhill so fast and it is PAINFUL. AND HIS FAMILY IS AT THIS LIVE THING, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?


Ok she’s definitely picking Shawn. This date with him is so awkward right now and it’s because the editors are going to pull a hard and fast one on us. Let me be clear: I don’t have anything against Shawn. I don’t think he and Kaitlyn are going to last, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy. And I definitely don’t have anything against him telling Kaitlyn: “I can’t wait to call you and say ‘I can’t believe you’re making out with Joe…’”

Ok this Memory Jar right now…. Do we credit a bored intern, or was Shawn locked in a room long enough with a “handler” to finally learn what Pinterest is? Obviously I’d fall at the feet of any potential suitor who chose to bequeath such a gift, but I think I’d also have a bit of hesitation about the fact that he would be whole-heartedly supporting my hoarding tendencies, with such a gift. 

Final Final Date Thoughts:

(See what I did, there?) 

I bet Kaitlyn was so awkward and NOT present with Shawn because she was thinking about how difficult it was going to be to send Nick home. Or how well he was NOT going to respond… 

OHHH THIS IS SO OLD SCHOOL, THROWING IT BACK TO A PROPOSAL AT THE MANSION. You KNOW Byron and Mary were thrilled to see that the Proposal Platform had been placed back over the edge of the pool, so as to say: “This is romantic! This totally ISN’T the spot where that Horn Dog McDill threw himself into the water…” 

Then poor Nick was led even FURTHER on by the appearance of Mr. Neil Lane. Not to mention more words of terrible foreshadowing: “I think the calmness I feel is because I love Kaitlyn And I’m looking forward to finding out if I’m right.”

MAAAAAAYYYDAAAAYYYY!!!

During Nick’s proposal, I looked at Carolyn and said, “I’m not one to “spread the hate on the Twitter… BUT I AM WILLING TO SPREAD HATE ABOUT HER LETTING HIM NEARLY PROPOSE TO HIM.”

Let us take a final moment of silence to commemorate Nick’s existence on this show with an acknowledgement of his words to Kaitlyn: WHAT I FELT FOR YOU WAS MORE THAN JUST A MOMENT. 

In vaguely related news... All I have to say about Bachelor In Paradise so far is... Carly's eyebrows need some HELP.

Addendum to the Bucket List of G. Douglas

But truly... Bucket list item #37: Attend a taping of the Men Tell All.

I'm going to do it. I don't care if I'm 85 years old, but I will BE in the audience of one of these tapings (It's not for lack of trying, on my part, or on the part of any member of the Living Room Peanut Gallery) LRPG Carolyn and I were practicing our facial expressions so that when we go, we'll be GOLD for the editors to use. So in the meantime, if you need anyone to demonstrate things like "aghast," "contemptuous," or "straight up SCANDALIZED," call me. 

Moving on....

I don't even feel like dignifying this franchise by using too much of my time to compose paragraphs, so Im'ma stick to bullet points this time:

- Harrison insists that Kaitlyn is the most serious Bachelorette we’ve ever had.

Look at her life. Look at her choices. WHAT.

- It looks like a BIG CHUNK of Bachelor in Paradise is Kardashley crying. I’m not upset at ALL.

- Becca Tilley and Kentucky Joe with this "Bleachable Moments schtick...

Of our TV screens. And each other's lives, please. 

- Tanner memorized an entire monologue to rail against Ian, and his delivery was maaaaaybe a 7 out of 10.

- And now Kupah has Ian’s BACK as he sheds his coat to stand up to apologize. Or… to get on one knee and repent. Ian clearly called a PR firm, who coached him on how to specifically execute the kneeling apology. I didn't hate his apology. Honestly, I never hated him, (you know I'm a sucker for the Ivy Leaguers...) and this apology WAS certainly off the beaten path of the typical MTA schtick...

- Clint sat around for at LEAST three weeks to coin the term “DepressionMobile” and I’m gonna give it a 4 out of 10. But I WILL give him mega props for his use of “exclusionary.”

- I’M SO RELIEVED THAT CLINT AND JJ’S RELATIONSHIP IS OK.

- I love how Kupah totally shifted the conversation away from JJ and Clint and started talking about Nick. And then Clint SLAYED everyone with his reply.

- Corey needs to CLOSE HIS MOUTH. Obviously there's always one at these things that runs their mouth way more than the airtime they received (so this is actually socially awkward of Corey. America hasn't had time to get to know him, so we just think he's rude and weird...)

- Why are they putting Ben Z in the hot seat? To find out if he’s cried since being on the show? (Update: Yes. That's exactly why.)

Carolyn: imagine not crying for eleven years…
Grace: He’s obviously never seen The Notebook.

- Let me be clear: the fitted- I’ll go a step further and say SKINNY pants on men… NEED TO GO. I am so tired of them. But there IS an upside: we can see some SERIOUS sock action, because the pants hike up so high when gentlemen sit down in them.  Per usual, JJ’s sock game is KILLING it. Another dude is apparently not wearing socks – my money’s on Kentucky Joe.

- Jared lying down on the hot seat couch. Appropriate. Love Man was ABOMINABLE.

- Why is Harrison acting like it’s unusual that Kaitlyn would be taking the stage tonight? As though the lead has NEVER done that at a Tell All?

- Thank GOODNESS Jared shaved that “spotty beard." Carolyn and I still agreed with Johnny's initial assessment that he looks more like Rat Man than Love Man...

OK BUT SERIOUSLY WHOM IS SHE GOING TO PICK?!?! I can't even pretend to decide. I can't imagine her NOT choosing Nick, but then I just wonder if that's because the wily editors are just leading us on? She had two very distinct reactions when each man told her that he loved her - what can be made of that? Which is more telling: her lack of response (she had NOTHING to say to Shawn) or her "Promise?" that she said to Nick right after he told her... Honorary LRPG member Amanda VERY insightfully pointed out that during the MTA, Kaitlyn clenched her jaw every time somebody said Nick's name, but not so with Shawn. Does that mean she resents them for blasting the man to whom she is now engaged? Or does that mean that she resents Nick for what we can ONLY imagine will be a less-than-graceful exit, once she rejects him? THE AFTER THE FINAL ROSE IS GOING TO BE SO GOOOOOOOD. 

Finally, if Kaitlyn DOES end up with Shawn, LRPG member Johnny would like everyone to know that it would officially make Nick the New York of The Bachelorette. 

I'm JUST saying... (He's just saying)

SOCKS ON, LIKE A BOSS.

….so there was no point to the confrontation between Nick and Shawn. Great.

Overnight Date: Ben

There aren't many to be had, but one of the downfalls of living on the west coast is that Bachelornation Social Media is updated on East Coast time... So Living Room Peanut Gallery Member Carolyn had already seen Ben H's post about leaving the show... And I'm SURE he's crying into some dollar bills from the deal he just signed to be the next Bachelor...

Circa THIS...

But in the episode, Kaitlyn is moving right along to her overnight with Ben. (Apparently we are NEVER going to learn why these episodes aired in the odd format in which they did...)

Obviously Kaitlyn cares NOTHING for Ben because her outfit right now is everything my frunp-tastic dreams are made of.

BEN in a sweater, on the other hand…

I'll drink to that.

Props to my donkey friend that started eating straight out of the bucket and following Ben. That guy is my spirit animal. Did they play hide and seek on this date, or the last one? These Irish castles aren't the best spot for dates, if I'm honest about it... At this point LRPG member Tina and I were so bored that we got into an animated conversation about the stakes of Amazon Prime Day... I HAVE SO MANY THINGS IN THE CART RIGHT NOW MOM, YOU DO NOT EVEN REALIZE. 

WE'RE ON HIGH ALERT, HERE!

We see Ben sit on a pretty picnic blanket and say some really sweet things to Kaitlyn that he may or may not have pulled out of a Nicholas Sparks novel from the hotel lobby. But no matter.

Then the poor guy must have soiled his sweater at some point, because he showed up to the castle that night wearing the sweater that Kaitlyn had on earlier that day, but again: NO MATTER.

Ben: Best sleepover ever!

Tina: And I just had one last night! Have you met my friend Nick?

Bryan: And I’m gonna have a sleepover tomorrow with my friend Shawn! Oh and look at this cool Granny Bed we get to sleep on tonight! This is SWEET!

Loving that Ben H. is walking out with a backpack, the next morning. It's the morning after and the man has a backpack. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THE BACKPACK, PEOPLE. (Unless you spent your childhood touching them, circa JJ. Ugh can't WAIT for the MTA)

Overnight Date: Shawn

Well I sure don’t hate this golf outfit. And I certainly don’t hate Shawn wearing it right now. Not one bit. 

Kaitlyn sets the wager for the golf game: “If I win, I get whatever I ask for. And if you win, I get whatever I ask for.”

I like Kaitlyn’s rules.

Shawn and Kaitlyn tried to pretend to play a game of Truth or Dare, but somehow it just turned into Shawn streaking across the green, chasing after Kaitlyn and his clothes...

...he doesn't look unfortunate without clothing. 

  

Later that night:
Kaitlyn: I have some reservations about Shawn and I know I need to talk to him about it because I need to know.

Grace: ...and I know it makes good TV.

Ok whatever about this Eskimo Buddies, here’s the real question: does the Eskimo story have ANY shred of clout, or is it completely made up? Is there any truth to it, or did Nick completely make it up? THAT'S the crux, people. 

Aaaaand we got another shot of silence between Shawn and "the other guy," post rose ceremony, just like we had with Claire and Nikki.

Ben H, that was a WONDERFULLY graceful exit, and you will live on in our hearts forever.
(And by "hearts," I mean "televisions.")

Hometown Family Dates

I feel like watching Nick’s family is so terribly similar to watching the Bluth Family. Not to mention that LRPG member Carolyn is REALLY weirded out that every member of this family looks exactly like Nick. And you KNOW those producers have already begun priming little Bella for when she's old enough to be on this show...

Not sure why they shot the fantasy suite date and hometown date out of order. (Maybe Kaitlyn couldn't stand to meet more than two families?) But regardless, we quickly moved on to Shawn's family. Just a few thoughts:

- Serious POINTS to Shawn’s older sister Jessie, cause if she’s the older sister… well, the other sisters aren't aging as well…

- Bottom line: I see Kaitlyn with Shawn’s family more than I see her with Nick’s family. (It seems like you can't be in Nick's family unless you look like him...) 

- Question: How is Shawn’s accent so thick? I'm baffled. 

- Quick sidenote: The lights are SO intense on these family jaunts. The intern is letting me DOWN right now.

- Shawn’s dad is asking SO many serious questions and not taking ANY crap and I am LOVING it.

Waaaaait wait that was all a ruse. He just fronted like he was a serious dude, Shawn gave him ZERO real answers and the dad suddenly shrugged it off with a "Well, if you love her, son..." 

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO' DAT. 

Ok y'all. This is such a toss up. Seriously we can’t decide how this is going to end. They’ve both said I love you. She cried after one declaration but not the other, she loved meeting both the families... THIS IS SUCH A TOSS UP. I don't think we've ever ACTUALLY confronted the reality of someone ACTUALLY being in love with two people. (Like Chris Harrison always claims that they ACTUALLY are).

And I certainly don't think America has ever actually been rooting for a contestant to find love like we're ALL TOTALLY ROOTING FOR BEN H TO FIND LOVE, NEXT TIME AROUND.

(I also don't think I've had as many close friends submit for the show at one time)

**chants**SEVEN DAYS! SEVEN DAYS! SEVEN DAYS!

Kilarney Me Softly...

...sorry. I don't even know where that title came from, but I won't fight it.... 

Listen guys, you know my thing is honesty. Like, I want you to be brutally honest with me and I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Let's just bathe in our brutal honesty together. For the rest of our lives. 

But actually, real talk: this week is a crazy week. I don't have time to edit my notes down into the realm of razor sharp wit and sass, where they usually reside. I'm not here to make friends, and I'm not here to waste your time: I'm here for the right reasons. I'm not going to take you for a ride in your aqua Bentley rental car and then lie to the other guys about it. So without further ado, here are very few, very truncated thoughts:

- The producers are GRASPING AT STRAWS for Ben H. They made him suggest playing Hide and Seek. They made him tell Kaitlyn he thought he was unlovable. They made us spend fourteen seconds thinking he was a virgin. If he isn’t next Bachelor material, I don’t know what is.

- Joe… We all knew Joe was headed out sometime. We all thought it would be sooner, but he lasted an oddly long time. Of COURSE he shut Kaitlyn out as soon as she sent him home. His freezer reaction was even more severe than AshLee’s, when she left Sean. Obviously he wasn't going to get very far physically. so he tried to go to third base verbally. 

Can’t WAIT for Joe at the MTA.

- Shawn is wearing makeup. He also refuses to call Nick by name.

- Quick note: Nick is EIGHT YEARS older than Jared and Ben.   

- Buh bye, Jared. This is an EXCEEDINGLY graceful exit. 

- Where are they for the fantasy dates? Colt? Dart? It escapes me. Loved the dress Kaitlyn was wearing when she "pranked" Nick with that Fantasy Suite, yuk yuk yuk... 

FOURTEEN DAYS TIL THE MEN TELL ALL.

(And if you didn't get the "Aqua Bentley" reference, you may see yourself out...)