Ok I know no one was asking, but I DID do a version of Elizabeth Banks' "Hanks on a Banks" for #ElfOnTheShelf, and it was SO CLEVER and it's just not getting the praise it deserves:
Whatever. The haters are just made that they aren't clever enough.
Ok so here is an unfortunate truth:
I can’t write a funny blog about this season. THE CONTENT JUST ISN’T THERE! I’m soldiering on, don’t worry. But the most bloggable moment of the night – the Noah/Bennett face off – just DOESN’T have good content.
First of all, Tayshia never asked the guys what was in the box. Did you see how the camera was focused on the box as we heard her say “what’s in the box?” and we never saw her say it? That means they took a soundbite of her in a later interview saying something like “I’m sitting there in this stuffy room, between two teenage boys, thinking ‘what’s in the box?’” Also if she’d asked in that moment, both of them would have offered explanations.
That is neither here nor there, just some magic of post-production.
If I were a betting woman, I’d say that Tayshia was gonna send Bennett home, because she knows she’s not gonna end up with either dude, and she’d rather make out with Noah. And it turns out that I wasn’t too off on this prediction. I was surprised by how “hard” she said it was, to say goodbye to Bennett? Which leads me to the conclusion that Bennett must be the dude that Tayshia always described on paper as her dream man.
….I also think that he was probably the kid in the class that was super mean to her, growing up, and so she has a weird need to prove herself to a guy like Bennett.
I ALSO need to mention once again that I WOULD HAVE SENT BENNETT PACKING AS SOON AS I REALIZED HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL “LIMOUSINE.”
Noah didn’t have a terrible point, when he told her that if Bennett is so condescending to the other dudes, what if he is eventually that condescending to her? However, I believe this idea was planted in his head by producers. Our Tic Tac Kid isn’t that clever. She sends Bennett packing.
Bennett came back at the end of the episode for the same reason that this blog isn’t funny – there’s nothing going on this season but a whole bunch of psychological warfare. The producers NEEDED the intrigue and drama of a Bennett Hail Mary, so they had him stick around for two days after she sent him home, then told him that he should attempt said Hail Mary (ok ok I’m done with sports references; sorry.)
Obviously the producers of this show are used to dragging deep-seated wounds out of these contestants. We know this. But it’s usually against the backdrop of like, Reykjavik. A little story of childhood divorce sprinkled against the backdrop of beer in the alps. Paletable.
But this season, everyone is trapped in a compound in the middle of the desert, so said psychological trauma is taking CENTER STAGE and it’s making everyone REAL uncomfortable.
I’m saying that there is nothing else going on except producers sitting down Poor Ben in an interview and telling him that if he doesn’t open up and tell Tayshia that he tried to commit suicide, she’ll send him home. And they’re clearly working it on Tayshia’s side too because she went into this date saying “I really need Ben to open up more.”
GIRL, HE TOOK ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF LAST WEEK AND TOLD YOU THAT HE IS RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?!?!
Ben is a brave dude. Did you notice the way that his fingers kept covering his mouth as he was telling her how he broke his back? That’s literally the body’s way of trying to prevent words from coming out of your mouth. This was hard for him. And then Tayshia’s response is to give him a rose? So now his disclosure is tied up in some kind of weird trophy, you-made-it-to-the-next-round thing? Gross.
I don’t know how production found out about Riley’s name change, but you know they did, which is why they brought it up in the lie detector date. (also sidenote: as someone who has worked on enough true crime shows to know EXTENSIVELY how lie detector tests work, this entire date was a sham. But you don’t need to have watched hours of lie detector tests to know that.)
(OTHER sidenote: do y’all remember the lie detector test on Andi’s season when we found out that Dylan 1) did not wash his hands after he went to the bathroom and 2) LIED ABOUT IT?! I am forever disturbed by that moment)
I think Tayshia was really touched by Riley’s openness and vulnerability (or as she says – VUH-nerability) but knows she isn’t going to give him a rose. It would have felt wrong to give anyone else the rose at the group date, so she just didn’t give one out. I think Ivan and Zac are shoo-ins for hometowns, not sure who the fourth will be.
Also I didn’t blog last week (even though we had an incredible Video Description Service turned on during the episode because of an AT&T glitch – the wedding date was literally narrated (it’s a great service for people with vision impairment!) like “Tayshia grabs Zac’s face and kisses him deeply. They kiss for a lingering moment.”) But I REALLY LOVE ZAC C. I love a good recovery story, but also I really love a humble dude and MAN it takes some humility to tell that story on national TV. Also it takes some kind of… SOMETHING to go through a season of this show in sobriety, so my hat is off to Zac C.
Tayshia seems to really like Brendan. I honestly don’t know why. I feel like there is VERY LITTLE going on behind the eyes for Brendan. Like, I see very little evidence of any kind of gears turning behind those baby blues.
Honestly I think Ivan, Zac, Ben and Riley are out of her league. I’m also super irked by the fact that she has been demanding all of this VUH-nerability from them, but has disclosed VERY, VERY LITTLE of herself, in return. She told Ivan what it was like growing up Black in Orange County, and she told Brendan what it was like to get divorced, but other than that….? Which seems riotously unfair.
She is beautiful! She is FUN! Those are the makings of a good Bachelorette!
……but she seems to have VERY LITTLE ELSE going on.
I’m VERY curious how they did hometowns from a Covid standpoint. I think they bring in the dude’s families, but if they’re sticking with a two week quarantine, they had to bring them in EARLY. Which means they had to have an idea of at least her top five, even before that rose ceremony that we saw at the top of the show. I wonder if they brought in some families that never even got to meet her.
Finally, Tayshia’s ex-husband, Josh, was interviewed by Reality Steve this week, to “tell his side of the story” and it felt GROSSSSSS. He went on to say how he didn’t appreciate his reputation being smeared by the show, how Tayshia was making it sound like he carried on a years-long affair and lied about it, when it was really just a drunken, one-night hook up that he told her about right after.
I get the notion of him wanting to tell his side of the story – after all, if you were to google this dude to see if you wanted to hire his roofing company, the first thing that comes up in a search is TROVES about him and how he cheated on his ex-wife. Not great!
But the way he went about this was ALL WRONG. I’m kind of disappointed in Steve for even giving him the time of day. If ANYTHING, Josh should have at least met with a PR team to strategize how to go about this. Because all he did was go on Steve’s podcast and whine about how their marriage had been falling apart before his infidelity, disclose some details that NO ONE would want their ex to be publicly sharing, and look like he was trying to set the scene to justify his cheating. It all felt VERY gross.
Ugh. I’m thinking about next week and realizing that we have to watch her send Bennett home AGAIN. And didn’t we see him on the Men Tell All, anyway? (Not that there was any chance of her keeping him). Can’t wait to see Yosef, though.
Also I MUST say (in order to end this on a tolerable note) y’all KNOW I absolutely LOVED whatever kind of drapery/romper-with-a-detachable-train thing she was wearing at the evening portion of the lie detector date. It was so excessive and dramatic and literally the only redeeming thing that ANYONE has worn this season.
And finally, Tyler Cameron is writing a book thank you that will be all, Martin.
See y’all next week.
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!
