Grace-sha on a Tayshia

 Ok I know no one was asking, but I DID do a version of Elizabeth Banks' "Hanks on a Banks" for #ElfOnTheShelf, and it was SO CLEVER and it's just not getting the praise it deserves:

Whatever. The haters are just made that they aren't clever enough. 

Ok so here is an unfortunate truth:

I can’t write a funny blog about this season. THE CONTENT JUST ISN’T THERE! I’m soldiering on, don’t worry. But the most bloggable moment of the night – the Noah/Bennett face off – just DOESN’T have good content.

First of all, Tayshia never asked the guys what was in the box. Did you see how the camera was focused on the box as we heard her say “what’s in the box?” and we never saw her say it? That means they took a soundbite of her in a later interview saying something like “I’m sitting there in this stuffy room, between two teenage boys, thinking ‘what’s in the box?’” Also if she’d asked in that moment, both of them would have offered explanations.

 

That is neither here nor there, just some magic of post-production.

If I were a betting woman, I’d say that Tayshia was gonna send Bennett home, because she knows she’s not gonna end up with either dude, and she’d rather make out with Noah. And it turns out that I wasn’t too off on this prediction. I was surprised by how “hard” she said it was, to say goodbye to Bennett? Which leads me to the conclusion that Bennett must be the dude that Tayshia always described on paper as her dream man.

 

….I also think that he was probably the kid in the class that was super mean to her, growing up, and so she has a weird need to prove herself to a guy like Bennett.

 

I ALSO need to mention once again that I WOULD HAVE SENT BENNETT PACKING AS SOON AS I REALIZED HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL “LIMOUSINE.”

Noah didn’t have a terrible point, when he told her that if Bennett is so condescending to the other dudes, what if he is eventually that condescending to her? However, I believe this idea was planted in his head by producers. Our Tic Tac Kid isn’t that clever. She sends Bennett packing.

 

Bennett came back at the end of the episode for the same reason that this blog isn’t funny – there’s nothing going on this season but a whole bunch of psychological warfare. The producers NEEDED the intrigue and drama of a Bennett Hail Mary, so they had him stick around for two days after she sent him home, then told him that he should attempt said Hail Mary (ok ok I’m done with sports references; sorry.)

 

Obviously the producers of this show are used to dragging deep-seated wounds out of these contestants. We know this. But it’s usually against the backdrop of like, Reykjavik. A little story of childhood divorce sprinkled against the backdrop of beer in the alps. Paletable.

But this season, everyone is trapped in a compound in the middle of the desert, so said psychological trauma is taking CENTER STAGE and it’s making everyone REAL uncomfortable.

 

I’m saying that there is nothing else going on except producers sitting down Poor Ben in an interview and telling him that if he doesn’t open up and tell Tayshia that he tried to commit suicide, she’ll send him home. And they’re clearly working it on Tayshia’s side too because she went into this date saying “I really need Ben to open up more.”

GIRL, HE TOOK ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF LAST WEEK AND TOLD YOU THAT HE IS RECOVERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?!?!

 

Ben is a brave dude. Did you notice the way that his fingers kept covering his mouth as he was telling her how he broke his back? That’s literally the body’s way of trying to prevent words from coming out of your mouth. This was hard for him. And then Tayshia’s response is to give him a rose? So now his disclosure is tied up in some kind of weird trophy, you-made-it-to-the-next-round thing? Gross.

 

I don’t know how production found out about Riley’s name change, but you know they did, which is why they brought it up in the lie detector date. (also sidenote: as someone who has worked on enough true crime shows to know EXTENSIVELY how lie detector tests work, this entire date was a sham. But you don’t need to have watched hours of lie detector tests to know that.)

 

(OTHER sidenote: do y’all remember the lie detector test on Andi’s season when we found out that Dylan 1) did not wash his hands after he went to the bathroom and 2) LIED ABOUT IT?! I am forever disturbed by that moment)

 

I think Tayshia was really touched by Riley’s openness and vulnerability (or as she says – VUH-nerability) but knows she isn’t going to give him a rose. It would have felt wrong to give anyone else the rose at the group date, so she just didn’t give one out. I think Ivan and Zac are shoo-ins for hometowns, not sure who the fourth will be.

 

Also I didn’t blog last week (even though we had an incredible Video Description Service turned on during the episode because of an AT&T glitch – the wedding date was literally narrated (it’s a great service for people with vision impairment!) like “Tayshia grabs Zac’s face and kisses him deeply. They kiss for a lingering moment.”) But I REALLY LOVE ZAC C. I love a good recovery story, but also I really love a humble dude and MAN it takes some humility to tell that story on national TV. Also it takes some kind of… SOMETHING to go through a season of this show in sobriety, so my hat is off to Zac C.

Tayshia seems to really like Brendan. I honestly don’t know why. I feel like there is VERY LITTLE going on behind the eyes for Brendan. Like, I see very little evidence of any kind of gears turning behind those baby blues.

 

Honestly I think Ivan, Zac, Ben and Riley are out of her league. I’m also super irked by the fact that she has been demanding all of this VUH-nerability from them, but has disclosed VERY, VERY LITTLE of herself, in return. She told Ivan what it was like growing up Black in Orange County, and she told Brendan what it was like to get divorced, but other than that….? Which seems riotously unfair.

 

She is beautiful! She is FUN! Those are the makings of a good Bachelorette!

 

……but she seems to have VERY LITTLE ELSE going on.

 

I’m VERY curious how they did hometowns from a Covid standpoint. I think they bring in the dude’s families, but if they’re sticking with a two week quarantine, they had to bring them in EARLY. Which means they had to have an idea of at least her top five, even before that rose ceremony that we saw at the top of the show. I wonder if they brought in some families that never even got to meet her.

 

Finally, Tayshia’s ex-husband, Josh, was interviewed by Reality Steve this week, to “tell his side of the story” and it felt GROSSSSSS. He went on to say how he didn’t appreciate his reputation being smeared by the show, how Tayshia was making it sound like he carried on a years-long affair and lied about it, when it was really just a drunken, one-night hook up that he told her about right after.

 

I get the notion of him wanting to tell his side of the story – after all, if you were to google this dude to see if you wanted to hire his roofing company, the first thing that comes up in a search is TROVES about him and how he cheated on his ex-wife. Not great!

But the way he went about this was ALL WRONG. I’m kind of disappointed in Steve for even giving him the time of day. If ANYTHING, Josh should have at least met with a PR team to strategize how to go about this. Because all he did was go on Steve’s podcast and whine about how their marriage had been falling apart before his infidelity, disclose some details that NO ONE would want their ex to be publicly sharing, and look like he was trying to set the scene to justify his cheating. It all felt VERY gross.

 

Ugh. I’m thinking about next week and realizing that we have to watch her send Bennett home AGAIN. And didn’t we see him on the Men Tell All, anyway? (Not that there was any chance of her keeping him). Can’t wait to see Yosef, though.

 

Also I MUST say (in order to end this on a tolerable note) y’all KNOW I absolutely LOVED whatever kind of drapery/romper-with-a-detachable-train thing she was wearing at the evening portion of the lie detector date. It was so excessive and dramatic and literally the only redeeming thing that ANYONE has worn this season.

 

And finally, Tyler Cameron is writing a book thank you that will be all, Martin.

 

See y’all next week.

 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!

Got the Horse Right Here, His Name Is Paul Revere...

Aaaaand we are OFF to the races with Tayshia! Just like the producers had given up by Clare's Love Language date (didn't that feel like it was 10,000 years ago?) stylist Cary Fetman has given up on dressing Tayshia. He clearly grabbed some military garb from one of the bases out in the desert, threw some sparkles on it and called it a day. But Tayshia is still a STUNNA, I'll give her that. 

By the grace of the La Quinta gods, we have no awkward limo entrances tonight! Just.... lots and lots of awkward hugs. SO many. Like literally went around the room and hugged everyone. Aka my actual worst nightmare. 

I have to say that I DO like Tayshia's energy more than Clare's. There's something less entitled and way less nervous about her. And the dudes were clearly excited. But why does she keep talking about how hot they are? Uncomfortable emphasis on their appearance... 

Riley says that he's interested in finding out who she is and where she came from... Here's to hoping Tayshia is a little more gracious and doesn't send him packing IMMEDIATELY for having the audacity not to have WRITTEN HER BIOGRAPHY by now. When he finally does talk to her, I'm terribly bored by their conversation, but I guess it's necessary for us to learn about Tayshia, since she didn't even get an intro package. 

I'd put Jordan in my top 5 for cutest guys, and he only endeared himself to me further by telling her that she had "big-ass eyes." 

BlakeMoynes tells her that he has no expectations (which is honestly a good tactic for him, to say that he was super geared up for Clare, but can now just focus on getting to know Tayshia without all the preconceived notions and ideas) but he should have told her he had no  expectTAYSHIAns, AMIRITE? (I'll see myself out) 

Tayshia sits down with Turtleneck Brendan and is having aNOTHER boring intro conversation, when CHRIS HARRISON OF ALL PEOPLE, comes to whisk her away.  Haha we have NEVER seen Hare interrupt one on one time! He has never said CAN I STEAL YOU FOR A SEC!!

Aaaaaand he pulls her aside to tell her eVeRyThiNg Is aBoUt To cHaNGe. 

NARRATOR: Everything was not about to change.

Yada yada, more guys arrive, blah blah blah... 

This DOES seem like proof that they had a bit more of an agenda to get Clare out earlier than they might have let on - remember this is earlier in the summer when there weren't rapid tests - these dudes had to arrive, quarantine, get tested, quarantine again... So they'd been there for a while. 

Spencer is clearly a dude the dragged off the streets of LA, and he legitimately has more gel in his hair than a sixth grade boy. I'm CONCERNED by the fact that she SO VERY QUICKLY announced "Oh Spencer is my TYPE. I would GO for a guy like Spencer..." You know where I would go for a guy like Spencer? At a bar. I'd quickly get him talking about the women in his life and how he was secretly resentful of his sister and how he felt like his dad was never really there for him. I'd point out to him how he probably treats women pretty terribly. And then I'd never see him again. THAT'S where I'd go for a guy like Spencer. 

Spencer goes inside and the guys are NOT happy. The only two dudes who show any sign of playing nice are Zach C. and Jason. Jason went full on Principle Gold from She's the Man and basically sang Spencer a welcome song and I was NOT MAD. When I googled the gif for this moment, the thing that came up was so perfect I couldn't have even written it myself:

Other guys: I love Montel's vibes, Peter feels like a tool, Noah seems like a chill dude (although according to the promos, everyone is going to hate him. Can't wait.) 

Boy Band Kenny really seems to be getting into his role as "whiney dude in the corner." He's mad Clair left, he's mad Tayshia's there and they have to start all over, he's mad that new guys are there, he's mad he has to wear a suit. 

And WOW Spencer is wasting NO time and is already getting accused of cutting in line. Props to the producer who primed him to come in and be the villain, straight out of the gate. 

One of my favorite initial takes on TikTok (no I don't frequent the app, but if someone sends me a video, I'll watch it) was that Ed's eyebrows "looked like they got in a fight and were slowly backing away from each other." 

ACCURATE THO

Then my dear friend Kelly came in with a take that absolutely NAILED Ed:

I am going to be laughing about this on my deathbed. 

I think I like Ben. He looks a lot like my fave Zach C, but with more of an underbite. The dudes on this season look eerily more similar than usual, which is saying a LOT. I was V V WORRIED about Ben trying his dance moves on Tayshia, but it went way better than I was expecting. Ten points for you, Ben Coco. 

Tayshia says that Zach C. is "interesting" and I think the word she's looking for is "sober." I'm telling you I LIKE THIS GUY. 

In a disappointing turn of events, she gave the first impression rose to Spencer and WENT FOR IT with the kiss. Which, honestly, wasn't a bad idea. These guys (although not Spencer, I guess) are probably so used to walking on eggshells and not knowing what they're gonna get, that they need a woman to take the lead for a second. 

An already-hammered Bennett congratulates Spencer on getting the rose. I guess they teach you that at Harvard. 

THEN WE GET TO THE “AFTR” WITH DALE AND CLARE. (Dlare? Cale? I’ll workshop it)

Apparently this was filmed way back in August, after they’d only been engaged for about a month. But according to social media, they’re still together, looking for houses in Sacramento, and she met his family this weekend.

 

The most notable thing about this interview was Hare saying “DAAAAYUM” on television. I genuinely don’t think we’ve ever heard him use that word before.

 

Clare proceeds to gush about Dale and say things like “I felt like we’d known each other… And I can’t put words to it.” CLARE, YOU LITERALLY JUST PUT WORDS TO IT, SHEESH.

 

CLARE: I just needed a man to show up for me. I didn’t need to get proposed to.

NARRATOR: She did.

 

This is so weird without the audience and I love it. I wonder how they kept their energy up, because you know that music wasn’t playing in the background when Dale walked out.

 

Hare asked if it was love at first sight and Dale replies, “Well see, it’s weird how we play things in our mind before they happen…” I think I’ve said this before, but Dale is certainly not the most articulate human to ever walk the Earth.

 

Literally WHAT DOES IT MEAN to “show up”?!?! Why is that the only thing Clare wants? 

 

Oh. Oh I see. It means pacing around the pool with someone. Excuse me while I continue to journal about why I don’t understand this.

I'm trying to think of what my version of this schtick would be if I were the bachelorette and all I've got is "I just wanted... cookies. And a visor. And he brought me both." 

 

Clare’s dad wanted her “to be ok,” and WOW, now that she’s found a man, BOOM! SHE IS OK!

 

Also the way that she gushes about BEING WITH SOMEONE is troubling. She just wants the relationship! (And we will soon find out: the babies) I can’t wait to gush about how I’ve found a man who will spontaneously bring me cookies and is excited to eat grocery store sushi with me in the Ralph’s parking lot and has read more than one Shakespeare play since high school. Clare is just NEBULOUSLY gushing about… romance? happiness? I honestly don’t even know. She’s stoked about something, but it’s way too general to feel sustainable. Sunbeams out of my heart? WHAT?

 

Hare saying what we are all thinking – Dale totally glossed over the baby! ALSO worrisome.

I think I said this last time - I don't see these two making it through the end of the year. Can't wait to see Dale on Bachelor in Paradise. Good riddance, you two. 

 

BACK TO TAYSHIA:

Ok my first takeaway about Tayshia is that SHE HAS A WAY BETTER JOURNAL. I’m already giving her points for that. 

GROUP DATE: Let's Get Scantily Clad! 

Tayshia comes out of the pool like some Palm Springs Bond Girl and the men all drool. WE GET IT, SHE'S PRETTY. The men gather around the pool and remove their clothes and it becomes clear that Boy Band Kenny has literally never removed a shirt from his torso before, but he’s also never owned a suit, so I guess I’m not too surprised.

 

Why is there SO much emphasis from her on their appearance? Tayshia's “Let me see what I’m working with, take off your clothes?” WHAT? And why are we always insisting that the men don as little clothing as possible? (I mean I KNOW why, but also.... why tho)

 

Ohhhh it’s another competition date. Is Blake Moynes on this da- OH WOW YES HE IS. Is he going to lose two times in a row is the ONLY thing I want to know.

 

In the locker room, we see that mah boi Zach C. is clearly familiar with a sun salutation. Guys that do yoga are so hot. I hate yoga. And guys that do things that I don’t have the patience for are HOT.

 

The game begins and ok WOW I was NOT expecting the underwater cam of their pasty thighs, but #2020. Is this water polo? Water foot game? HydroSport? Who cares.

The team that BlakeMoynes (say it like it's a double name - it's fun) is NOT on wins the game. Apparently the winning team got to do an open bar BBQ with Tayshia, but it weirdly wasn't filmed? The whole crew gathers in the evening, solely to avoid a weird BlakeMoynes SoreLoser interruption. 

Wow Eazy proceeds to tell her that he thinks he just met his wife. Bold. Also worth noting that Eazy has been accused of sexual assault. His accuser has spoken with the legal team at NZK, which is no small step. Seemed worth mentioning.

 

And now thanks to Riley, I’m going to start calling every person I don’t like “lunch meat.” He and Spencer had some kind of exchange that must have been weirdly edited, because I came away understanding they'd agreed to a duel at dawn. Somebody pop the popcorn. 

Eazy gets the rose. Yawn. I still like Zach C. the best. 

  

Awwww poor Jason. He was literally emotionally terrorized by Clare, no wonder he is unwell. He goes to tell Tayshia that he's leaving. Hope that guy finds someone who won't stomp on his heart. Also weird that they showed this clip here when it was clearly filmed right before the evening portion of her date with Brendan. Did they think we wouldn't notice? 

 

One on One: BRENDAN

Honestly I wish that Brendan had been sitting next to his bestie Joe when he got the news about the one on one. 

MORE OF THIS, PLZ

Not QUITE sure why she liked this guy so much. I honestly don’t care about the turtleneck, but he seemed pretty nervous and shy when they talked for eight seconds before Hare interrupted them.

It’s honestly impressive for Tayshia to lead these two horses beside a swimming pool right now. Bennett was showing ZERO interest in her until she showed up as an equestrian and his Harvard ears perked RIGHT UP.

 

Ok honestly I don’t hate the Chris Harrison cameos on this date. They could do way worse than this.

 

WHY DOES HE KEEP TALKING ABOUT WANTING TO KISS HER WHEN THEY ARE ON HORSES? PLEASE DON’T TRY TO KISS HER WHILST ON HORSEBACK, BRENDAN.

 

Brendan just seems like a huge dweeb and I honestly kind of love it. And Tayshia REALLY loves it.

  

If I had $800,000 and the best researchers in the world, I STILL couldn’t tell you what “vibing” means. But apparently Tayshia and Brendan are doing so.

 

I know no one was asking, but this is to serve as a reminder to you that TAYSHIA DATED COLTON. I just remembered that and was kind of floored. 1) that it was so long ago and 2) that it was… COLTON.

 

I honestly don’t know anything about divorce, but it’s got to be hard to have an early divorce for a not explosive reason. People like tidy answers. And “we fell out of love” always leaves them asking more questions, which has to be annoying. Also it has to be hard to get divorced when you married a FAMILY FRIEND? I mean my dad would die of happiness if I married a family friend, but he’d come back from the dead JUST to die again if I got divorced from them. (Not because of divorce, but because of a SCHISM IN A FAMILY FRIEND RELATIONSHIP.)

 

I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE WANTS FIVE CHILDREN. I haven’t heard anyone under the age of 40 say they want even TWO children in YEARS. I’m not shaming her, I’m just SHOCKED. (Does she know how expensive kids are?) I thought their conversation about it was charming enough. I can’t remember the last time I heard a man my age say that his life passion was to become a dad, so I’ll give him that one.

 

This is, according to him, the best day of Brendan’s life. That feels worrisome.

 

I wrote down “Oh she LIKES Brendan” seven times. (Yes I was taking notes by hand at this point because honestly my thumbs hurt from texting these days)

 

Honestly my biggest question about the rest of the season is: What’s the deal with Noah?

 

SPEAKING OF NOAH:

I Felt It. I Accepted It.

WOW GOOD MORNING TO MY FRIENDS AND SUBSCRIBERS WHAT A WEEKEND WE’VE HAD.

 

Couple of things:

1)    I watched last weeks’ episode two times.

2)    Honestly the best thing for Election Night would have been if they’d just given us the show, instead of the media circus that we got while we all bit off our fingernails, but you’re looking at a newly minted Steve Kornacki stan, which is more than he had yesterday!

3)    Do you think Clare and Dale are mad that their engagement was overshadowed by the election?

4)    Do you think Clare and Dale are real people? 

 

 

Let’s get right into it – that journal Clare is using is TRASH. Her entirely unstable emotional well-being can be traced back to the fact that she’s writing her feelings down on poor quality paper from the 99 Cent Store. AND I LOVE THE 99 CENT STORE!

 

….but not for journals.

 

Ok so here’s the thing: I didn’t realize that Chris Harrison was gonna call this whole thing off. You say tomato, I say to-MAH-to, Chris Harrison says: LET’S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF. I thought that Clare was gonna say “I want to leave with Dale,” not be goaded into it by Chris. This is a fascinating role for Hare, because up until this point, we’ve ONLY seen him as a host, not a producer. He usually shows up and just TELLS PEOPLE how things are going to go. “Chad, you WILL leave the premises for being a drunken mess last night." or "Remaining couples in the Bachelor in Paradise Pagoda, you WILL go to the fantasy suite now." But he had to go in there and CONVINCE Clare that having a one-on-one to see if Dale liked her back was the best idea. I mean he’s only had 65,000 seasons of television to prepare for this moment, and he did ok. He DID come in doing Clare’s weird, uneven breathing thing at the top but then he seemed to get it together as he calmly told her she’d blown up the Bachelorette. I wonder how many different versions of that sound bite the producers tried before they settled on that one.

 

Personally I thought it was pretty messed up that Hare asked her if Dale reminded her of her dad. Especially followed by his wiping away a fake tear. I actually don’t know that I’ve ever met a man who reminds me of my dad, but I can tell you one thing for sure: I’d know if he reminded me of my dad after a cross-country road trip, not after spending a combined total of four hours with him.

WE LOVED CADILLAC RANCH THO.

The height difference doesn't make for good selfies... 

Even Clare’s fake lashes are giving up on her, here. I don’t know anything about brows or contouring or threading or honestly makeup, but I know bad lashes when I see them. If they can bring DeAnna in from Texas, they can bring in one of the ten billion lash extension artists that live in Los Angeles.

 

I don’t think I’ve reflected on how terrible the mantra of “Just show up” is. Becca’s “let’s do the damn thing!” was overdone, but at least it was cute and well-intentioned. I am still doing zoom workouts with friends to pass the time and the other day one of the stupid instructors on the youtube video said “Just press play, it will keep getting easier!” My blog post on virtual workout video instructors is a whole ‘nother thing, but when she said that, I realized that even THAT was a better mantra than just show up. Just show up should be the slogan of like, the DMV, not a woman looking for love, MERCY.

 

I’m actually going to go out on a limb here and share something with you guys that I haven’t talked about before – I actually know what it’s like to know in your gut when you’ve found The One, even though everyone doubts you.

 

I had to find a dress for an event when I was in college and I thought it was going to take MONTHS. I walked into the first store in Miami, had them take me to the Clearance Section, and put my hand on the first dress and said “Oh… this is my dress!” and the woman said “Girl, does it have your name on it?” and I said “It is SINGING to me!” I tried on a few other dresses just to pretend like I’d given other options a fair shot, but I bought the dress. Everyone kept asking me “Are you sure? Do you not want to look around some more?” My mom was VERY anxious that I’d made a mistake. But I knew. I knew in my bones as soon as I saw the dress that it was made for me.

 

I wore it, and it looked FABULOUS.

 

HATE ON, HATERS.

 

….that was a dress.

 

………not a relationship.

 

I’m so anxious as we go into this dinner with Dale. You could see the wheels start to turn when Chris Harrison pulled him aside. Up until this point, I think Dale was riding high on being the frontrunner, and choosing to pull her aside as much as he did just to keep his status in first place. (I say “as much as he did” like it’s been weeks – it was like, two times. But to Clare it was apparently enough to warrant a joint checking account.)

 

Clare immediately unloads all her hopes and dreams on Dale, telling him that he reminds her of her father, and every other awful over-eager social faux pas we have been taught to avoid. It could have been a trick of editing, but it would appear that Dale DEFTLY PIVOTED, and asked her about her parents. (Obviously trying to figure out who her father even was, to see if the comparison was warranted.)

 

AND WOW NO WONDER CLARE IS THE WAY THAT SHE IS! HER FATHER PROPOSED TO HER MOTHER AFTER THREE WEEKS!!

 

I’m a big believer that we grow up wanting our parents’ love stories – if nothing else, because they’re usually the first love stories we learn about! So NO WONDER she is ready for a proposal after sixty seconds. WOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Throw in the fact that BOTH THEIR DADS HAVE HITCHIKING STORIES? CAN YOU SAY “MATCH MADE IN CRAWLEY HEAVEN?!?!”

 

She really seems to gloss over her parents’ relationship because if it had truly been totally smooth sailing, I doubt she’d have so many attachment issues. She then essentially asks Dale how he got over his mom’s death. And he… Does not answer her. Unless the name of his therapist got left on the cutting room floor, he literally just fast-forwarded through his mother’s death, straight to Clare being announced as the Bachelorette.

 

I don’t use emojis, but if I did, I’d just the SUSPICIOUS ONE here.

 

Clare continues to look at Dale like she is Mr. Potter of Bedford Falls and he is a pile of cold, hard cash. I feel like she is looking at him with the same gleam in her eye that a businessman sees when he’s about to close a lucrative deal. She is a product of materialism and just wants the PRODUCT. She sees Dale as A MAN THAT CAN GIVE HER THE ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING THAT SHE WANTS.

 

And it is SO uncomfortable to watch.

 

The only thing I have to say about the rest of the night is WHY ARE HER FEET SO DIRTY? When they climbed on the bed, her feet look like mine do after walking around barefoot in my brother’s apartment for three minutes (JK, DAVEY – THANKS FOR LETTING ME QUARANTINE AT YOUR PLACE WHEN I CAME HOME THIS SUMMER)

 

 

What followed the next morning was one of the most disturbing scenes in Bachelor history. We saw them in bed (keep in mind – they’d had a chance to get up and freshen up – we saw breakfast on the bed, this wasn’t rolling RIGHT OUT OF BED) and Dale proceeded to keep his eyes closed THE ENTIRE TIME.

 

This is VERY telling.

 

This is indicative of a literally avoidance of reality. Think about when you close your eyes in real life; what kinds of expressions people are usually making:

-       closing their eyes as they shake their head in disbelief, because something doesn’t make sense – and they can’t face it.

-       closing their eyes as they grimace in pain over a mistake, willing reality to change, trying not to face reality.

-       closing their eyes in joy (for me, it’s biting into the center part of a soft sugar cookie from Ralph’s) thinking “surely this has to be a dream” this can’t be real.

 

Dale was literally trying to avoid reality. He was closing his eyes to shut out what was in front of him. Because what was in front of him was a really clingy and demanding woman with terrible fake lashes. That moment when she asked him what would happen next and he said he hadn’t thought about it and she anxiously tapped his chest and nagged “no but THINK ABOUT IT!”

 

Maybe I cringe so much at Clare because I’m so afraid of BEING her? Or people perceiving me the way I perceive her? I can’t remember the last time someone called me desperate or needy or clingy, so it doesn’t feel like an accurate comparison, but I have been known to fly off the handle with my insecurities.

 

I still don’t know if Dale had totally figured out that it was over at this point. But he definitely didn’t wanna be there.

 

My final comment about the morning is shout out to her trainer because her legs look great in that romper.

 

 

Clare sits down with Hare and proceeds to tell him an even more outlandish motto: You know they love you WHEN THEY DON’T RUN.

 

Clare, you know they love you when they stop to pick up cookies for you. You know they love you when they turn the electric blanket on for you before you get home. YOU KNOW THEY LOVE YOU WHEN THEY SEND YOU DANK MEMES. When they don’t run?!?! The audacity.

 

Here is actual footage of me after this conversation with Hare:

It seems like even Clare didn’t know a proposal was coming. On the one hand, I get it. The producers had to go for the highest stakes if they were gonna blow up the show. Of COURSE they were gunning for a proposal. I guess I was surprised by how calmly Hare told Clare what was going to happen, and HOW CALMLY SHE ACCEPTED IT.

 

But of course she did. Because she is certifiable.

 

She goes to tell the guys and she clearly didn’t have any time to plan what she was going to say. She did her weird breathing thing and basically shouted at them that you can’t hate on love, and expected them to be happy for her. Somehow Boy Band Kenny drew the shortest straw and had to be the Poor Sport. He made a good point about her not being present in her conversations, which is a legitimate complaint for someone whose motto is “just show up,” but what’s the point, Kenny? I think Zac C might be my favorite dark horse. He just kind of quietly observes everything, AND he was the one who tried to say “Ok, well, Clare I’d love to steal you away right now!” after her group date meltdown when no one jumped at the chance to pull her aside.

 

Poor Jason is STILL nursing his vulnerability hangover from the Therapy Date. I don’t think we’ve ever had a First Date Crash and Burn like his. I mean he thought they were going to get MARRIED after that date, no wonder he’s bummed. And Blake Moynes and the book on dementia! I was touched by that until Carolyn’s boyfriend goes “Dude, he bought a book cause this is a game and he wanted to win.” And I was like “Ok well I’m no longer touched but like, gotta respect the game.”

 

 

After FaceTiming Neil Lane (who is VERY CLEARLY on the premises and just didn’t have enough time to quarantine to appear on camera in person) Hare sits Dale down to let him know HE WILL BE PROPOSING. TONIGHT. Dale avoids a lot of eye contact with Chris, and absently scratches his face, which is a self-soothing gesture. BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS GUY WAS SPIRALING.

 

Here’s the thing: I think Dale is a good dude. Seems like a perfectly fine guy. According to what I’ve read, he wants a broadcasting career. (Don’t we all?) I would imagine he came on the show for the exposure (Don’t we all?) Probably didn’t imagine he’d be the frontrunner, certainly not the immediate frontrunner, and DEFINITELY NOT must-propose-now-or-face-certain-death-frontrunner… So he has two choices:

1)    Give Bachelor Nation a reality check and say “what are you TALKING ABOUT I literally just met you”

Be hated and villainized everywhere before disappearing into obscurity,

 

OR

2) Go along with it. Propose. Be engaged for a while. Hit 1M on Insta. Act cluelessly overwhelmed about the prospect of marriage in a few months and amicably part ways. Keep 1M on Insta. Get broadcasting career.

 

….Clearly he went for the latter option.

 

And for all the awful sequins that we’ve been subjected to this season, the Meaghan Markle wedding dress knock off ain’t so bad. We knew it was gonna either be no sequins at all or just ONE GIANT SEQUIN for this proposal outfit.

The whole thing was very strange. I felt like both of them were having an out-of-body experience. They didn’t seem really connected. It’s like Clare is more connected to the idea of Dale in her mind than she is to him in real life.

 

He pulled out a ring and got down on one knee like he was supposed to, but then Clare MADE SURE HE STAYED ON THAT ONE KNEE FOR A WHILE, telling him “Hold on, put that ring on my finger I've waited a long time for this!”

 

Also Clare literally two years ago:

 

Her comments after they stood up and kissed included, but were not limited to

1)    “I mean look at you, though!”

Like he’s literally a piece of meat.

2)    “Clare Moss has such a nice ring to it…”

Reminder: we are still so early on in the process that this sounds like an obsessive seventh grader reading from her journal.

Dale’s comments after they stood up and kissed included, but were not limited to:

1)    “I felt it”

2)    “I accepted it”

He accepted it. The AUDACITY!! He “accepted” that he was a pawn in Clare’s grand vision for her life. She even told him that she’d “waited for THIS” for so long, not “waited for YOU.”

 

I go back and forth because I want to say that I hope we never hear from Clare again, cause I find her kind of insufferable. But then I remember that she’s being replaced by TAYSHIA, who is one of my least favorites. I remember cringing all the way through Tayshia’s dates with Colton, because I felt like she wasn’t even genuinely connecting with him, she was too invested in presenting herself as the kind of woman she thought he wanted. (And honestly, what kind of woman DOES Colton want, because seriously no one knows. Did y’all see Cassie dropped all the charges?)

 

Honestly it seems hard to imagine Clare and Dale making it through the holidays. Especially when they live on separate coasts and it’s a pandemic. If he spends Thanksgiving with her, I’ll just hear “I felt it. I accepted it” on repeat in my mind. All of their footage together post-show feels VERY stilted. And disconnected. And if they DO make it through the holidays, I’ll honestly see it as how badly they both want the post-show fame.

 

Ugh. Here comes Tayshia. 

 

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…

 

 

PS I don’t understand Dale’s football career, nor do I really care, but here’s what’s on Wikipedia, in case anyone was wondering:

After going undrafted in the 2012 NFL Draft, Moss signed with the Green Bay Packers on May 11, 2012. He was waived at the end of the preseason during final roster cuts on August 31, 2012. He then signed with the practice squad of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on September 3, 2012, and was released on November 13. Two weeks later, he signed with the practice squad of the Chicago Bears.

After spending the remainder of the 2012 NFL season on the Bears' practice squad, he signed a reserve/futures contract with the team on December 31, 2012. He was waived on June 10, 2013. Moss then was signed by the Carolina Panthers on June 19, 2013, and was waived on August 24, 2013.

Moss was assigned to the Los Angeles Kiss of the Arena Football League in January 2014. After making nine catches for the Kiss, he was placed on recallable reassignment on April 23, 2014. He re-signed with the Chicago Bears on July 29, 2014, and was waived during final roster cuts on August 30, 2014.